A few days ago, when I had ran out of perverse activities to partake in, I sat and watched the movie "Barbershop" when it came on cable. Of course I have seen the movie before but this particular viewing was important because I realized how different my "Barbershop" was. In the movie version they try to show you how honest and frank discussion happens in most barbershops, and I'm sure that is the case in many barbershops that you all go to. Not at my Barbershop, I have heard some of the most ignorant and asinine conversations ever uttered by man. After going to this particular barbershop after a year I had to start wearing headphones to mask the incoherent ramblings that were going on around me. But I quickly learned that idiocy can penetrate any Walkman, my last defense was to stage a aggressive dialogue. People there hate me because I lack the ability to close my mouthpiece when I hear someone say some dumb shit. Here are a few examples.
"George W. Bush is the best president ever!"- This gem came from my barber, so I really had to struggle with this one. I know you don't want to fuck with a man that is shaping up your beard, but I couldn't resist. I asked him why he thought Bush was the "best president ever" and he said something about him "having character" and him being "resolute". The following rant is probably the reason why I have been getting sub-par beard trims of late. "Jamal, did you recently get a position with FOX news and you didn't tell me?? Bush is a bastard, being "resolute" doesn't mean shit if your ignorant ass is always wrong. "Character"? The man reminds me of Milli Vanilli, only this time Dick Cheney is really singing the songs and his piss poor record is the equivalent to a record skip. Don't come at me with that shit." Jamal gave me a slight grin. Not a "HumanityCritic sure is a character" grin, but a "Motherfucker who are you talking to "grin. Oh well.
"Lil Wayne is better than Rakim"- Believe it or not someone actually said this. I was actually on my way out of the door, drinking a soda, when I spit it out when I heard this nonsense. I didn't know the guy who said it but I had to say something. "What in the fuck are you talking about? Lil' Wayne? That jackass is horrible, and you are old enough to know better. Man, I would of been less surprised if you said that you ate your own fecal matter, at least that wouldn't have been as stupid. That is just retarded.(I quickly put my hand on his shoulder and say) Are you actually mentally handicapped? If you are, excuse me for the "retarded" line. Rakim is the greatest artist to ever touch a microphone, Lil Wayne shouldn't be in the same discussion. Are you shitting me!??" I guess I struck a nerve because dude was highly upset, quoting Lil' Wayne verses. When he was finished I said, "That's exhibit A your honor, proof of the wackness. I rest my case!" My barber told me that I better leave because apparently the guy that I was arguing with carried a gun, even more evidence of his vaginal nature and poor decision making. I obliged and left.
"SoulPlane is the best movie to come out this year"- This was the equivalent to fingernails scraping against a chalkboard to a movie lover like myself. That quote was uttered by the owner, a woman named Patty who owns the Beauty Shop next door. I talked to her a few times before so I knew her style. Ghetto gospel plays, horrible movie selections, every song she likes is about some "baby's momma", you get the picture. Not only that, she acts like she went to the Monique school of Drama(The Parkers) so I knew the following rant wouldn't earn me any love: "Soulplane? That was a two hour minstrel show, and I totally question the mental stability of anyone who liked said flick. That movie was so ghetto, I wouldn't be surprised if they handed out chicken and Kool Aid at the theaters. If there was a movie to set black folks back one hundred years, Soulplane is it. Tom Arnold, Snoop Dogg, Monique, ingredients that add up to box office poison." She rolled her eyes and gave me a hand wave, but ever since then she gives me a evil look when I enter her establishment.
"I'm dating your ex, what do you think about that?"- It was a beautiful summer afternoon when I was getting my beard trimmed up. I felt no hostility that day, I was at peace with myself. This guy walks in and looks at me like he knows me, but I didn't know who he was. He starts talking loudly about his girlfriend, and as he is talking I realize that he is talking about my ex. OK, he knows who I am and he is trying to get a rise out of me, I'll ignore him. After about 10 minutes of him talking about his "girlfriend" he says the following, directly to me this time: "I'm dating your ex, what do you think about that?" I arose from the barber-chair, paid my money, and said the following: "So you are dating my ex, so fucking what? That was like a year ago, you want a gold ribbon or some shit?? That is like me having a car for a few years. I put most of the miles on that motherfucker, the dent in the door was made by me, I was the one that broke the car in.. Then you get the same car and brag about a vehicle that I have finished using, how stupid do you look??" After I said that he had mentioned how he would tell my ex that I compared her to a car and I called him a bitch for it. Nothing like a Barbershop.