Monday, March 14, 2005

Barbershop..Nothing like the movie

A few days ago, when I had ran out of perverse activities to partake in, I sat and watched the movie "Barbershop" when it came on cable. Of course I have seen the movie before but this particular viewing was important because I realized how different my "Barbershop" was. In the movie version they try to show you how honest and frank discussion happens in most barbershops, and I'm sure that is the case in many barbershops that you all go to. Not at my Barbershop, I have heard some of the most ignorant and asinine conversations ever uttered by man. After going to this particular barbershop after a year I had to start wearing headphones to mask the incoherent ramblings that were going on around me. But I quickly learned that idiocy can penetrate any Walkman, my last defense was to stage a aggressive dialogue. People there hate me because I lack the ability to close my mouthpiece when I hear someone say some dumb shit. Here are a few examples.

"George W. Bush is the best president ever!"- This gem came from my barber, so I really had to struggle with this one. I know you don't want to fuck with a man that is shaping up your beard, but I couldn't resist. I asked him why he thought Bush was the "best president ever" and he said something about him "having character" and him being "resolute". The following rant is probably the reason why I have been getting sub-par beard trims of late. "Jamal, did you recently get a position with FOX news and you didn't tell me?? Bush is a bastard, being "resolute" doesn't mean shit if your ignorant ass is always wrong. "Character"? The man reminds me of Milli Vanilli, only this time Dick Cheney is really singing the songs and his piss poor record is the equivalent to a record skip. Don't come at me with that shit." Jamal gave me a slight grin. Not a "HumanityCritic sure is a character" grin, but a "Motherfucker who are you talking to "grin. Oh well.

"Lil Wayne is better than Rakim"- Believe it or not someone actually said this. I was actually on my way out of the door, drinking a soda, when I spit it out when I heard this nonsense. I didn't know the guy who said it but I had to say something. "What in the fuck are you talking about? Lil' Wayne? That jackass is horrible, and you are old enough to know better. Man, I would of been less surprised if you said that you ate your own fecal matter, at least that wouldn't have been as stupid. That is just retarded.(I quickly put my hand on his shoulder and say) Are you actually mentally handicapped? If you are, excuse me for the "retarded" line. Rakim is the greatest artist to ever touch a microphone, Lil Wayne shouldn't be in the same discussion. Are you shitting me!??" I guess I struck a nerve because dude was highly upset, quoting Lil' Wayne verses. When he was finished I said, "That's exhibit A your honor, proof of the wackness. I rest my case!" My barber told me that I better leave because apparently the guy that I was arguing with carried a gun, even more evidence of his vaginal nature and poor decision making. I obliged and left.

"SoulPlane is the best movie to come out this year"- This was the equivalent to fingernails scraping against a chalkboard to a movie lover like myself. That quote was uttered by the owner, a woman named Patty who owns the Beauty Shop next door. I talked to her a few times before so I knew her style. Ghetto gospel plays, horrible movie selections, every song she likes is about some "baby's momma", you get the picture. Not only that, she acts like she went to the Monique school of Drama(The Parkers) so I knew the following rant wouldn't earn me any love: "Soulplane? That was a two hour minstrel show, and I totally question the mental stability of anyone who liked said flick. That movie was so ghetto, I wouldn't be surprised if they handed out chicken and Kool Aid at the theaters. If there was a movie to set black folks back one hundred years, Soulplane is it. Tom Arnold, Snoop Dogg, Monique, ingredients that add up to box office poison." She rolled her eyes and gave me a hand wave, but ever since then she gives me a evil look when I enter her establishment.

"I'm dating your ex, what do you think about that?"- It was a beautiful summer afternoon when I was getting my beard trimmed up. I felt no hostility that day, I was at peace with myself. This guy walks in and looks at me like he knows me, but I didn't know who he was. He starts talking loudly about his girlfriend, and as he is talking I realize that he is talking about my ex. OK, he knows who I am and he is trying to get a rise out of me, I'll ignore him. After about 10 minutes of him talking about his "girlfriend" he says the following, directly to me this time: "I'm dating your ex, what do you think about that?" I arose from the barber-chair, paid my money, and said the following: "So you are dating my ex, so fucking what? That was like a year ago, you want a gold ribbon or some shit?? That is like me having a car for a few years. I put most of the miles on that motherfucker, the dent in the door was made by me, I was the one that broke the car in.. Then you get the same car and brag about a vehicle that I have finished using, how stupid do you look??" After I said that he had mentioned how he would tell my ex that I compared her to a car and I called him a bitch for it. Nothing like a Barbershop.

27 comments:

ShellyP said...

This is why I love you, Critic! You are brutally honest.

Dee said...

lil wayne can't even have his name in the same sentence!!

Rakim is one of the BEST!! I usually just ignore dumb comments like that cause any REAL hip hop head would never compare the 2...

Jdid said...

lil weezy is what? has this guy even even heard a rakim verse? is your barbershop located in an alternate universe?

summer m. said...

comparing your ex to a car? problematic, but an appropriate analogy nonetheless.

Ms. Blaize said...

Whooooaaaa! I resent the 'Vaginal Nature' comment!!! I am of the 'Vaginal Nature' variety and speak for all those in my clan when I say that we can in fact show more heart than a lot of the Vaginally Challenged variety! You know it too, HC, don't front! *LOL*!

But anyway HC, can you really fault dude for totting a gun? Lil' Wayne is better than who???? Dumb ass! Anyone who comes out with ridiculous, mind-boggling Tourette-Syndrome type comments like that knows that there's a chance that they'll be shot at first. Either that or worse.... demasculated on the spot!

Oh wait. That's what you did, isn't it? (*Smile*)

My bad!

E to the dwige said...

bwahaha that was too funny. I wish I was able to come clear and concise comebacks when folks say stupid shit around me. I'm usually too startled at the assholishness.

DaKelzz said...

*smh*

That is a damn shame....Lil Wayne and Rakim....in the same sentence...

LOL @ "That is like me having a car for a few years. I put most of the miles on that motherfucker, the dent in the door was made by me, I was the one that broke the car in.. Then you get the same car and brag about a vehicle that I have finished using, how stupid do you look??"

Fucking.Priceless.

Tha G Perspective said...

"soulplane is the best movie to come out this year. I didn't even need to read your response. I burst out laughing just at how you must have felt when hearing that.

Breez said...

Priceless as usual! Lil' Wayne! LMFAO!

Breez said...

Priceless as usual! Lil' Wayne! LMFAO!

Breez said...

Priceless as usual. That whole car thing...that's funny for real.

Breez said...

Ok, your blog must be hot because I can't post my comment lol! Hilarious and accurate as usual. Gotta love anyone who can link an old relationship to a used car.

Breez said...

Ok, your blog must be hot because I can't post my comment lol! Hilarious and accurate as usual. Gotta love anyone who can link an old relationship to a used car.

Brother OMi said...

yo, which barber shop do you go to?

here is my list:

1. 26th Kapital Kuts.. the barbers were cool, they listened to me and heads shut up when i corrected them. BUT it was frequented by stick up kids and wanna be ballers. there was too much crime going on. i pointed this out to the owner and never returned.

2. Kapital Kuts near NSU .. heads usually listen there too but there is too much going on. so i don't go. plus my barber left

3. PLayers out in VA beach off Newtown Road. pretty good. i don't get cuts anymore but i go there to chill. they treat me like a Jedi in there

Bijan C. Bayne said...

"...better than Rakim..."? That's an oxymoron if a ever heard one. Talk about LOL.

Bluu said...

LOL - all quality anecdotes.

Soul Plane conjures the phrase, "These are our heroes," doesn't it? Very much so.

notyouraverage.... said...

"the dent in the door was made by me, I was the one that broke the car in.. "

you're good HC. his response, he's going to 'tell' on you. hilarious!

asdfasdfasd said...

Wayne better than Rakim? holy muther of FUKK!!!!!! maaaan, i'm not all that familiar with Rakim's shit (I'll be gettin sum of his shit soon though) but what little i've heard completely massacres all of lil wayne's albums. that nigga was just plain stupid.

regarding the gun = pussy issue, I think I'll blog about that soon. in many cases i'd agree, and I'll agree that for most people it is a poor decision to carry heat but i know first hand that it aint always fear (pussy-ness) that makes a nigga pull the trigger on sum1 thats fukkin with him. i'll detail it in my blog sumtime.

great post by the way.

Danja said...

Ok so thank you for referrencing the ghetto gospel plays. If I hear another person tell me I'm not black because I have no interest in seeing "Diary of a Man In Drag", Imma scream!!

No, I didnt see Soul Plane, nor do I ever plan on assaulting my senses by sitting through it. The only way I would see it is on some ole Clockwork Orange ish.

^5 on rejecting that shit...Snoop needs to stick with cutting records because the minstrel show isnt cutting it.

Monique is a disgrace to all of us "normal" fat black women. Ugh *spit*

You're funny love, I always look forward to your words.

Liza Valentino said...

lmao...what kinda barbershop is this? Fools...

grayse said...

I am so so so so gone at the Lil Wayne comment as well.

I hate when people want to brag they have your ex. Shithead, he's/she's the EX for a reason. You deal with their ass.

Luke Cage said...

I haven't seen SoulPlane and truth be told, I really have no desire to. However, how an individual, any individual can compare the Lord Rakim to Lil Wayne is beyond total comprehension. I don't know if I would've even wasted any time trying to sway young man's head away from that nonsense. One has to wonder what's going on inside his mind when he formed his lips to even make that comment. Hold it down HC!

Yolanda said...

H-futchin'-hilarious. I love, love the things you share. Nevah a dull moment. Nevah. LMAO

Sunnchine said...

LITTLE WAYNE???!!! WTF?

Dude could NOT have been serious. Rakim? c'mon man! How can you disgrace hip hop and say that Lil' weezy is better than Rakim?

Good call HC.

o said...

I'm glad you spoke out against that Soul Plane mess. I don't understand why some Black folk still consider this...ENTERTAINMENT??

-faints-

Ron said...

Glad you set the record straight in that place. I miss the old Muslim barbershop I went to, where the guy who owned talked about how the white man was the reason everything on earth was bad.

And how they had one Jehovah's Witness working there as their "diversity"

Hehe..then they'd get into religious arguments.

shay said...

hey hey im a lil wayne fan, but to compare him to Rakim is extreme. lil wayne is not shitty he got talent. Rakim is a legend in hip hop. Everybody thats hating on lil wayne can stop he has came a long way. I bet yall be blasting his songs and not Rakims. Y is that? I don't think I can remember a time when they played Rakim in the club or just on the block. Rakim is the man, but lil wayne is what hot right now!