Thursday, March 24, 2005

First Things First

The other day I ran into Nikki, she is the first girl that I kissed. She was shopping in the grocery store and we reminisced about old times and the childhood mischief that we went through. Our lives are rather different these days, I am unmarried and a bona fide asshole. She is married and has 6 kids.(I mistakenly said that she didn't have a few kids, she had a litter. Somehow she didn't find that amusing) But thinking about our kiss made me think about other "firsts" in my life.


First Kiss: Being a Navy Brat and living in Navy housing at one point in my life I was surrounded by kids of all types. I quickly became best friends with a kid named Kevin and through our friendship I learned things that a 8-10 year old shouldn't be learning.(i.e watching their parents smoke weed, watching his father and his friends beat a man within a inch of his life, hear loud moaning sounds from the mother's bedroom from having sex with a man that was not Kevin's father) If my parents knew what I was being subjected to they would of went batshit. Besides all of that, Kevin had a sister named Nikki. We were the same age, she was cute, but I never paid her any attention. Until it was revealed to me that Nikki had a crush on me. Everyone kept telling me that I should kiss her but I was scared shitless because I had never kissed a girl before. So one evening, tired of all the pressure and adolescent ridicule, I take Nikki to the side of her house. Heart racing, hand shaking, and lips quivering I touch Nikki's face like I had seen in a million movies and I gently kiss her. I still remember my boys applauding like I had scored a touchdown or some shit.

First Fight: I was 7 years old and for a few months I was being bullied by this guy named Tyrone. Tyrone was about 13, and you just knew that this motherfucker was destined for the penitentiary. The bullying was tame at first, but one day he smacked me around to the point that I was crying uncontrollably. I went to my house and my dad was standing in the doorway and asked, "Why in the fuck are you crying?" Sobbing, I told him that Tyrone had just slapped me. He said, "You aren't getting in this house until you fight back".I tried to get in the house anyway but he had locked the door, I dropped to my knees begging him to open it but he ignored me. When I realized that I had to fight him I went back, mainly to receive an ass whipping. As I approached Tyrone he called me a sissy and pushed me down. In a classic "fight or flight" moment, knowing that my dad was watching and me wanting the whole ordeal to be over, I picked up a brick that was in someones yard and threw it at Tyrone with all my might. Luckily it landed right between his eyes, and he was screaming for what seemed for an eternity. I hear my father scream, "Now kick that motherfucker" and I did. I love my father(R.I.P), and his lesson made me tougher, but that memory is definitely a uncomfortable one.

First time I had Sex: I have always been a notorious shit talker, even when I was young. Everybody thought that I wasn't a virgin from all the made up sex stories I always told people. But the truth is, in Junior High, I was a Big old virgin. No doubt about that. I had seen girls naked, touched breasts, seen other private parts, but I never experienced the ultimate prize. Anyway, there was a girl in my math class named Joann. I wasn't the most popular guy in school but Joann was a bona fide nerd, a band geek as some like to say. The funny thing about her, like the character in American Pie, she actually told me "band-camp" stories. Suddenly Joann began to flirt with me, telling me how cute I was, and saying that she would like to see my house one day. Boy was I scared, because I knew that she was talking about "bumping ugly's"! After a while I took her up on her offer and invited her to my house after school. We arrived at my house and quickly went to my bedroom. I took one of my brother's condoms and started with the four-play. I knew that I would have problems finding the "designated area" so I told her my back was hurting and that she should "ride me". As soon as she got on I liked what I was feeling. I probably liked it too much because a couple minutes later I was "done". Joann was cool about it and she promptly left. Then I noticed that some girls in my school started calling me "speedy". Since I ran track I thought the nickname was a compliment. I didn't learn until later that it wasn't complimentary at all.

First time I got High: As a kid I was so anti-drug that Nancy Reagan could have had my black ass in a commercial or something. Every opportunity that I had to get high I strongly refused. It got to the point that friends of mine stopped asking, and their friends who didn't know me knew ahead of time not to ask. That all changed one hot spring day. I was cool with this girl name Rhonda, we would go to her house after school and raid the fridge, watch videos, and get into all sorts of mischief. One day her mother comes from upstairs with a vanilla envelope and said three words that will stick with me forever, "Wanna get high?". She reached into that envelope and pulled out a lime green marijuana bud straight from a Cheech and Chong movie. She starts rolling the weed in rolling papers and my heart is racing because i know that I am about to smoke what some call "The Chronic". The mere fact that I was about to smoke with someone's mom made me feel like I was in a John Hughes movie. I kept expecting to see Molly Ringwald or Anthony Michael Hall appear and smoke with us. I started smoking and I got high as a kite, so high in fact that I told Rhonda's mom the following: "Mrs. Jones, I always wanted to tell you that you had some beautiful titties". Geez, what a jackass. I still feel to this day that if my mother knew half of the shit that adults subjected me to that she would be looking to beat someones ass.

29 comments:

summer m. said...

now kick that mutherfucker? that's a classic.

blakkwidow said...

"Now kick that motherfucker"

OMG!

*Can't breathe*

Belle said...

The first kiss is so sweet but you f*cked it all up with the first piece of booty and "I told her my back was hurting and that she should "ride me".

And your dad...I choked I was laughing so hard.

gonebabygone said...

LOL...After that first fight story, I'm surprised your name isn't Sue (Johnny Cash refrence, not a comment on your fighting)!

Puddleglum said...

Yo...
Someone's MOM got you lifted?!

What about the milk and cookies?! That's too much like a farside comic.
Image:
Two runts and a grown-up on a couch puffin the dragon.

Caption: "The Day Rhonda's Mom Misplaced Her 'What Would Donna Reed Do?' Bracelet.

Classic...

Ms. Blaize said...

Oh.my.gawd. I think there’s some sort of parent handbook out there that tells parents to just kick our lil' tan and brown butts out there so we can be roughed up early! Your story reminded me of what my Great Grandmother did to both my mother and myself. I think my mother got chased home by 2 girls and my Great Gran put a shovel outside of the door, locked her out and told her to beat their asses or don’t come home. Then when I was 11, I had this girl steroid looking chick Keisha come after me because I liked her brother (??? Why she’d care, I don’t know???) and when my father saw me running up to the house, he swiveled me around, booted me out of the house and told me that if I didn’t beat her ass, he’d beat me! Beat me? Ex-Marine? Oh hell no! Keisha got the brakes stomped out of her that day! My father’s only complaint? That I didn’t stand around and talk junk when the other kids came out to watch (sigh!*) The things they put us through to make us better people!
Thanks for the memories HC!!

blackgirliniowa said...

Is that allowed...smoking with your kids? I'm just wondering what the consensus is on this. I don't have a problem with the smoking but I can't see putting my kid on to it.

Fran said...

LMBO!! Your dad was something else, man that was just hilarious.

Me said...

geez man. it took me forever to get to this page to leave a comment. every time i come here it's like i'm the only person who can't leave a comment.

anyway. wow you had some interesting "firsts." i haven't had a first in anything, but yours were cute and funny.

Nikki said...

It's a good thing I'm never drinking juice when I read your topics. I would for certain have it shooting out of my nose from laughing so hard.

melette said...

Classic!! Your Dad sounds like my Dad twin brother. The first kiss was sweet.

golden said...

You are going to get me FIRED! lol

Have a great weekend!

Anonymous said...

This was hilarious...talk about reminiscing...

-Adora

the kid said...

*wow*

Keish said...

OMG! Love this post! That first fight/first time getting high experiences were hilarious to me!!! Wow. Thanks for the laugh!!!!!!!!!!!

muffin said...

i lurve your stories!

Schatzi said...

You're dad and mine sound so much alike! I was taught, "Never to start a fight, but to make sure I always finished it." And I'm a GIRL!

ROFLMAO @ Mrs. Jones! BWAH!

Sivad said...

wow, i can't believe that was your first experience, getting high with someone's mama. shame on her for ruining the kids. lol
and your dad's lesson? man, you hit that kid with a brick. you sure did catch on quick. lol

Sankofa said...

Wow, I am reminiscing like crazy right now! So thanks...

I never know what to expect when I come to you here...outside of knowing that I will be laughing hysterically or moved to protest.

Lene said...

kicking a man when they are already down is the best thing you can ever do. hahahahaha.

your stories make me feel sooo warm and tingly inside....

Dayrell said...

lol! you've had a pretty interesting life. your dad is the ish! had me cracking up! lol

:)

Yolanda said...

"Now kick that motherfucker" That, my friend, is truly a classic. You pulled a true Craig and Debo. They must have got that scene from you.

Your dad sounds like an aunt of mine. I was whipping the shit outta this girl with a pipe from an old swing set. Instead of trying to stop me from killing her, she was like "beat that cat-eyed bitch's ass." LMAO Ooooh, such was our influences. Lawd, help us all.

I hope for your sake, and the women you encounter, that speedy is no longer a label that applies. hehehe

josie said...

i like your daddy. but you pick up a brick. a brick? damn. and i like the litter joke. but you know, this one time a-a-at band camp...

Bridging The Dock said...

sir, u need to start puttin' disclaimers on these blogs!!!!!!

LMBO!

notyouraverage.... said...

cringing at your story of your first fight.

greggy said...

I've hurled my share of bricks in my time broman, but don't think I've ever kicked someone once they were down...LMAO...I do know our parents were working out some of their own aggressions through us in our battles I bet...great post!

Me said...

lol, that "fight" is a mess. Your dad and my dad, (R.I.P.) bless they hearts would have hung out and drank brew. Let me try to bring my ass in the house after getting my ass whopped. Sheeeit. While my stories prolly won't top yours, you've inspired me to do my own first firsts.
:)

courtneyelizabeth said...

lol...aint nothin like being a military brat...i think i had my first kiss on one of the playgrounds of officer's housing...in a tire tube....

Jazz said...

lol, you are crazy.