Monday, March 07, 2005

Jumping out of the Closet


A few months ago I mentioned in a post that I am one of those guys who people feel that they can just open up to, express their deepest feelings. Well, besides being a person that certain individuals have felt obliged to come out of the closet to, I have also been present to some very public displays of people expressing their new found gayness. From day one, since I started my blog, I have shared very personal stories for the world to see. Here are a few examples of real life situations that I have gone through.

My cousin Sean: I got a call from my mother about 4 oclock one morning. When you get a call that early you figure that someone died, or some national tragedy just happened. She says, "Critic, guess what??" Half asleep I say, "What mom?? Do you know what time it is?" She informs me that my cousin Sean just came out of the closet, with a sort of disbelief in her voice. I say to my mom, "Ma, I knew Sean was gay from the time he was 10 years old!!" She asks me to explain because she never noticed and I say the following: "Mom, when we were playing basketball he was playing double dutch. When we were playing with G.I. Joe he was collecting Pound Puppies. Remember when he used to wear his mother's dresses and high heels? He only had friends who were girls growing up, and when I paid a stunningly beautiful woman 60 bucks to "make the moves on him" when he was 20 he acted as if she had a contagious disease. Mom, Sean is gayer than Ru Paul at a gay pride parade singing show-tunes."

Homophobic Dad: Growing up, my friend Mitch had a dad that was a huge homophobe. When we would play football and someone made a mistake you could hear him in the distance saying, "What are you a fag??" For the past 20 years I came to realize his hatred for homosexuals, even expressing how he wanted to see all of them killed. His extreme views always made me uncomfortable, because I always felt that he possibly felt the same way about African Americans. As time passed, and I got bigger and more of an asshole, I used to challenge his very homophobic views. I used to tell him that I thought he was gay since 80% of his conversations were about homosexuals, which made him furious. I used to say, "Look at the stretch marks around your lips, your fruity ass isn't fooling anybody!" That used to get him irate. Fast forward to 2003 at his 60th birthday party where he told everyone in attendance that he had a announcement to make. He gathers everyone together, brings his lover out, and informs all of us that he is gay. I have to admit that he seemed at peace with himself and a big burden was lifted from his shoulders. But I couldn't let it go. I told him, in front of the crowd "Wait a minute, I had to hear the most hateful homophobic shit ever uttered and your ass is gay? What the fuck? I am glad that you came out the closet but let me be the first to say that you are a motherfucking asshole! You sorry son of a bitch!" OK, I was kind of drunk, but the intent was pure. He talked to me later and ironed things out, but when someone that you know is highly homophobic they might just play for the pink team.

Ex-girlfriend: In college I was in a intense relationship with a woman name Juanita. Even though I was in the middle of my "whore" phase, I tried my best to maintain the monogamy and treat her with the utmost respect. Along the way I made my mistakes like cursing out her dad when he told me that he was a black republican, throwing a drink in her homegirls face when she said that Juanita should leave me, and beating up her male friend when he said the wrong shit to me. That isn't that bad is it?? Youthful indiscretions is how I would categorize it. We dated a while but after about a year she broke up with me. I was crushed because I actually saw a future with her. About 3 years later I see her at a club with her "life-partner". She tells me that she always knew that she was gay and that she had recently came out of the closet. A feeling of relief came over me, and I said: "Wow, so you always knew you were gay?? That means that the reason our relationship ended wasn't because of me but because of your suppressed lesbian feelings. It is good to know that it wasn't my fault" Then she quickly put me in my place with the following rant: "Critic, we broke up because you were a first class asshole, my "gayness" had nothing to do with our separation. Come to think about it you were such a piss poor boyfriend that it's my theory that you drove me to my alternate lifestyle!" A few moments of discomfort passed and she said, "I'm kidding, you didn't make me gay but you were a asshole" Damn..

Everybody Loves Raymond: While in college I had a few things that I lived by. 1)That Hip Hop will never die 2) I have a obsession with breasts and think thighs 3) That black republicans should be slowly tortured and 4) That my friend Raymond was a bad motherfucker. For one thing, the guy could talk the drawers off a nun, totally unbelievable. Also, he was the toughest guy that I have ever known. One night I saw him take on two big bouncers and had them on the ground in less than a minute. This other night I was about to get my ass kicked by 4 frat guys that had me surrounded, until Ray saved my black ass by beating all of them with a pool stick. Maybe its because he was a couple of years older than me, but he was definitely a person that I looked up to. Ray was also the most popular guy on campus, I used to call him "Norm from cheers" because everybody seemed to know his name. One night he called me over to his apartment because he had something to tell me. When I get there he has tears streaming down his face, asking me to sit down. He sobbingly tells me that he has been living a lie and that he was indeed gay. At the time I remember thinking that I was honored that he would confide in me with that information. But then I asked, "But your a pimp Ray, what about all the girls you talk to?" He informs me that that was just a ruse, and that he never was intimate with any of the girls I saw him with. I was shocked, but I was proud of myself because my opinion of Ray never changed.

32 comments:

Breez said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Breez said...

I went through a phase like that. Everyone and their mother wanted to come out to me, roughly within a month's time. It's good that folks have that comfort level and know that you won't judge them.

BTW your blog is one of my favorites. ;-)

summer m. said...

your ex-g/f gets about 10 points for that shit, 'i'm gay, but you're still an asshole.'

that's hot shit.

Kajuana said...

People are constantly sharing things with me too. Not coming out but sharing things. Do you share stuff with these people too? I know I don't yet, they always come to me with their issues.

E to the dwige said...

That was too funny. I always look at really homophobic folks with a raised eyebrow..the whole "thou protests too much" thing. Its amazing how folks can be so scared of their feelings.

Brother OMi said...

you know, people feel the same way about me. i don't know why. I don't approve of homosexuality and people know it. but they tell me anyway..

but i had a friend like your Sean. i looked up to this dude, he was always big pimpin'..

i guess you never know

SunShyn said...

Well, you can't possibly be as much of an ass as you profess to be if you have so many "friends" who feel comfortable enough to confide in you...just my 2 cents...

Positively Cheryl said...

Truthfully, you do seem to be, based on your writing style easy going and caring. Maybe that's why you're an open door for the more sensitive types.

I can't believe you cussed out your friends homophobic DAD. Wow. You know what I really despise? Homophobes who are judgemental but who are also hiding their own skeletons. That really tears it!

Liza Valentino said...

I can definitely relate to this post. I've had 3 people very close to me come out of the closet to me first. I guess I should feel special that I have their trust like that, but to me it's no bigger than anything else a friend may tell me and not be ready for everybody to know.

That is crazy about your friend's dad...I agree with edwidge tho...The ones who open their mouths TOO much are always suspect...

peachy said...

The story about Juanita cracked me up. She probably uses that line for all her old boyfriends though. You'll have to investigate.

Too funny also about the homophobe dad. I knew something was up when he would always say 'you must be a fag.' They're the worst.

Dee said...

Great post...I have only had one person come out to me and he prepared to tell me like he was gonna die soon of cancer or something...my only reply was...I don't care who you sleep with...it's your friendship that matters!

Nikki said...

*over here howlin' with laughter*That ex-girlfriend story was classic!!

Jdid said...

I think I had a raymond type friend in university. He never came out and told me and he was like the toughest yet coolest dude around but I just got this feeling that he was. After college we went our seperate ways and i have no idea what happened to him though.

Luke Cage said...

The tale about the homophobic dad was truly shocking. So much vile and anger towards someone's sexual preference and he's a homosexual. Man, I give you kudos for lighting him up. At least he's at peace now. Good post man.

Yolie said...

Shit, boy! You can nevah stop sharing yourself up in here. This is hilarious. Great post! I've already told you once, but I'll say again: People like you gonna get me fired. LOL

Danja said...

Can I just say, my mother is a lesbian, has been with her partner for 18 years, and has yet to say directly to me "I'm gay" lol

Good stuff, man.

Schatzi said...

We had a Raymond in HS named Kyle.. A complete Ladies Man and a star on our basketball team. He later come out to me that he was gay. But he was shocked that I wasn't shocked. He wasn't saying anything that wasn't already known. Guess he wasn't as slick as he thought he was.

That was some funny shit!

Me said...

man you must be really interesting in person. lol.

that story about the homophobic dad was too funny.

anyway a lot of unexpected people seem to be coming out of the "closet." even some people i've know have revealed that they were gay.

kiesha said...

You always have the funniest stories lol.

Miki said...

Holy Shit! I was laughing so hard I woke the baby up in the next room.

"... you didn't make me gay but you were a asshole"

That is hiliarous!

shoplove said...

I am weak off of your cousin and the pound puppies! My mother never knows when someone is gay (or stays smoked out either, for that matter...)

Sivad said...

man, you know you have some stories. lol @ ur ex.

G. Cornelius Harris said...

Sometimes I be wondering do you make this stuff up cause it be too tripped out...I'll keep you posted

Larry D. Lyons II said...

great post, man.
not too often that i hear a "people always come out to me" post without the underlying sentiment "and i wish they would go back in".

also: i sent you a shout out in my most recent blog post... but be warned - it's also a call to action. let me know what you think.

R7 Soulhemian said...

Dman, my friend in high school was a combination of the "Raymond" and "Dad".... Makes me wonder if HE was hiding something... hmmm.

Great Post though.

Golden... said...

GREAT POST!

golden

BohemianChic said...

Great blog Critic! I haven't visited as often as I need to! I need a laugh and your blog put a smile on my face..great wit and humor about some real shit! Love it man!
Crazy story about your homeboy's homophobic homo dad! (lmao).

Reza said...

That was rich. You are the official out of the closet commentator.

Elle said...

I'll just agree with everyone else...GREAT POST!

Fran said...

Wow, I just had to respond to this post. Reading about that homophobic guy, really reminded me of my brother back some years ago. He used to ALWAYS just hate this gay friend that I had, and would never want him around. He was just horrible to him..

As you can guess, my bro turned out to be gay. I asked him why was he so mean to that friend of mine and he only confirmed to me that it was because he was afraid that he would have known that he was gay. Now that I think of it, he also always tried to act all tough too. :/

He's open and at peace with himself now though, thank God.

EJ Flavors said...

'bout time Blogger fixed this...just like Elle said, great post!

Bridging The Dock said...

Yup, this blog is wild! Come to think of it, there was this guy in college that my friends and I nicknamed Raylene because everybody knew he was gay and he coud've cared less about it. He could clack flipflops louder than any chick, he rolled his eyes all the time, wore crazy colored contacts and owned the phrase, "Hey gurl." The boy actually got a rise out of visiting manly men once on a criminal justice visit to a nearby prison. Nice, huh?