Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Like Father Like Son
When a person is going through the trials and tribulations of growing up they always say that they will never be like their parents. Even if someone's parents were fundamentally good people, there is a desire to separate yourself from the individuals that raised you. I am no different. I have mixed feelings on my father. Even though I found him amazing by being able to fix anything, becoming a Master Chief in the Navy, becoming a engineer that taught classes, all on a 6th grade education. The mere fact that he was self taught still blows my mind. Then there is the side of him when he would tell me that I wasn't shit and that I would never amount to anything. I acknowledge that there are things that are hard for me to look past.
I woke up the other morning, washed my face, and when I looked in the mirror I said to myself "I have become my father". Not totally, but there are some similarities that are hard to miss:
My Father was notoriously late: This is hard to admit but I am known for my late arrivals. Granted, if a check is involved my black ass is there early, but other than that people find themselves waiting on me. I know it isn't sexy. It's not that I am late on purpose, with some master plot to piss people off. The problem is I always miscalculate the time allotted to get somewhere, if my destination is 15 miles away and I have 5 minutes to get there I think I can make it. It's so bad at this point that my friends tell me to get somewhere super early, fooling me to be there on time.
My Father wasn't big on religion: OK, even though I hate Ghetto Gospel plays and think that most preachers are despicable bastards because their support for Bush this past election, I believe in God. I grew up Catholic, and most of my biblical knowledge came from my time in Catholic school. My problem with religion is that a lot of people become fanatical, damn near cult-like, and they allow their faith to alter ever opinion they ever had.
My Father said whatever he felt: OK, most of you guys who read this blog know this to be true, but it's sort of different. I tend to think that I use my powers for good and not evil. If you are a dear friend or a family member I try not to hurt your feelings and I am considerate with my outspoken nature. But if you are a black republican, or some garden variety jackass then I have no problem spewing venom in their direction. Fuck em'.
My father had a pretty bad temper: I actually think my temper is worse than his was, which legitimately scares me. The good part is that people I truly care about have never and will never see that side of me but knowing that rage is inside me is a bit unsettling.
My Father had a hatred for current music: I used to get so irritated when my father would criticize hip hop because I felt that he didn't know what he was talking about. But I realized early that good music is good music. When I was helping him one summer at his car shop, I had put in a mix tape with Rakim, EPMD, Big Daddy Kane, etc. He turned to me and said, "That stuff is pretty good. That hip hop I like!" My jaw hit the ground when I heard that. Now that I am a grizzled old man of 31, I totally detest 95%of what is played on the radio. When I reminisce about the "times when hip hop was pure" I start feeling like my father.
My Father could talk about Pu**y(slang for female genitalia) all day: Even though I have tried to come clean on my blog and express all of me, the one part of me that I have just showed a piece of is my nastiness. I have wrote about some pretty nasty topics, but I have tried hard not to be totally crass. But the truth is I have the mind of a nasty old man. Not as bad as my father though, he would have sex stories and anecdotes that would make me blush.
My Father was judgmental: Here is another thing that I would like to alter as I get older. Here is the deal: If I'm talking to you and during our conversation you say some seriously stupid shit, the rest of the time you sound like Charlie Browns teacher to me.(Whah-whah-whah..) I need to be patient with people and give them more of a chance.
My Father had a handful of friends: I am exactly the same way. I have about 5 good friends, the rest are in the category of "motherfuckers that I just know". The weird part is most of those people consider me their friend but I just consider them my acquaintance. My definition of friend is: A person that you can call 3 in the morning, tell them that you have a dead hooker in your hotel room, and they ask you if they should bring a shovel. That is a friend.
Hopefully I will be different in the way I treat my child, when and if I ever have one. I really don't want to repeat the history of verbal abuse that I was a victim of, but maybe since I am aware of it I can stop the cycle in its tracks.