Monday, May 09, 2005

Getting cursed the fuck out by your old self.

Maybe I've been watching too much Sci-fi lately, or the years of continuous bong hits are starting to affect me, but I always wondered what your old self would say to your present self. How would your old self feel about the way you turned out, decisions you made, or the overall direction your life took. The following are examples of what the old selves of certain individuals would say to their new selves in the form of a single rant.


Ice Cube(circa 1990) To new self: Damn fool, what have you done to me?? I have read your file and I must say that I'm glad that you are making your paper, but what in the fuck was that kid movie you did a few months back? I was the self proclaimed "N*gga you love to hate", now you got my black ass doing Disney movies and shit? You are fucking up, for real. I was part of one of the most popular rap groups ever, went solo and did my thing with a more political message, and now you are doing songs with a guy named(looking down at the file) "LiL John"? Seems kind of hypocritical for a guy that once proclaimed that "You can new jack swing on my nuts!" Shit, that Lil John makes Teddy Riley look like DJ Premiere motherfucker! Hate to nitpick about the whole "hypocrisy thing", but didn't I once say "Stop giving Juice to the Raiders/Cause Al Davis/Never paid us"?? Now all I see your ass in is Raiders gear, I've become a god-damed walking contradiction. Wasn't I all into the Nation of Islam, bean pies, and chilling with Farrakhan?? What happened to that, or that isn't wise for you to talk about since you went all Hollywood on a brother? You have made some memorable movies, and did some good things, but is there any chance you can focus seriously on our rap career again? I don't mean with that Horrendous "West Side Connection" bullshit! Come on Cube, man up!

Dennis Miller(1992)To new self: Wow, how the mighty have fallen. Look, I've never been the biggest star in the world, but I was a successful comedian who was a star on Saturday Night Live. I also had a respectable weekly talk show on HBO that ran for many years, how did you fuck all that up? It says here that you had a short stint on Monday Night Football. Football?? Who's bright idea was that? When I was on SNL, Farley and Sandler used to give me shit because I threw like a girl when we had work related events, I know squat about sports. What is this shit about you drastically changing your political beliefs and becoming a big George Bush cheerleader?? We always hated that douchebag, what gives? Not to be mean or anything, but your political talk show on CNBC sucks ass. I was once mentioned in the same breath with SNL greats like "Chase", "Belushi", and "Radner". Now I am mentioned in the same breath with the assholes like "Scarborough", "O'Reilly", and some bottom feeder named "Hannity".(Looking around for the person in charge) Can I kill myself, being that I am an earlier version of this prick, and stop this career debacle from happening? Look dude, even though your cinematic high point is "Bordello of Blood", that doesn't mean that you should pack it in and fuck our career up.


Bobby Brown(circa "Don't Be Cruel")To new self: Yooo! I know that I have always been a wild man, doing whatever I want, but I'm a fucking crackhead? Not only was I part of a popular teen group, then breaking out on my own being adored by women the world over, now I am simply known as Mr. Houston? How degrading. Current Bobby, why is the file that I'm holding have nothing but a shitload of mugshots in it? Have you lost your fucking mind? Also, why is it that the last hit we had was during the Bush administration, not "W" but his sorry ass daddy. You are a fucking embarrassment, and coming from me that is saying something. Cocaine, heroin, alcohol, you are a walking lab experiment man! I saw that "Behind the Music" special recently and I have to ask you this pressing question: What in the fuck have you done to my bottom lip?? Did we have a stroke or something? Man, this shit is depressing so I'm about to bounce. Shit, while you shoot up that lethal dose of Heroin between your toes, I will be backstage with a couple of hot groupies, knowing that in 16 years I am going to be a bona fide loser.


George W. Bush(1974)To new self: Run this by me again, I become president of the United States? No fucking way!! Is America stupid enough to elect a alcoholic coke head, who was also a C student at Yale to the presidency of the United States? Man, the country must really had a lapse of judgment to elect me to anything(sniffing cocaine off of a small mirror). It says here that your people made a war hero named John Kerry look like a coward during my presidential run in 2004. Didn't people know that we ran like a coward in 1973 and used my father's influence so I could get out of Vietnam, the mere fact that my people were able to paint a true blue vet as weak is amazing! People always said that our brother Jeb was the one that was destined for the White House, not me. (Taking a shot of Yeager, looking at file) What is this shit about our daughters being drunken whores? That ain't cool man. Besides the fact that you ignored terrorist warnings pre 911, invaded a country illegally, and turned record surplus' into a record deficit, who cares I become president! Yee-Haw!

HumanityCritic(1991)To new self: (shaking head) Look at you motherfucker, what have you done to my body?? I once had a six pack that people could wash clothes on, now it looks like your ass stays handcuffed to the buffet table! Chubby bastard! No wife, no kids, what in the fuck is wrong with you? I was reading through your file and it says that not only can't you maintain a relationship, but you have commitment issues. What kind of pussy are you?? I'm not trying to be mean but, what in the fuck is up with that hair?? Jesus man, Dreadlocks, are you shitting me?? What in the fuck is a blog anyway?? You mean to tell me that you spend your precious time in front of a computer, expressing your deepest thoughts for the world to see? How gay is that? I either envisioned me having a beautiful family by now, or being like a black James Bond, romancing miscellaneous international vagina. Well at least you aren't a criminal, or a black republican, so I guess that is a positive.

37 comments:

Breez said...

Basically, I'm in tears right now. LMFAO! What the hell DID happen to Bobby's bottom lip? I'm not even gonna touch that Ice Cube thing. Excellent as usual...though I'm sure you didn't need me to tell you that. ;-P

Luke Cage said...

HC, nice as usual brah. Cube has been taking it on the chin in the blogosphere since he released that "Are We there Yet?" flick. Honorable Mentions: Eddie Murphy, Arsenio Hall & the Star Trek franchise! Holla.

blue2go said...

Wow, I love this concept! Too funny!

summer m. said...

great idea.

but what's most important(ly) is your picture of old bobby brown.

priceless.

Sunnchine said...

ROFLMAO!!!

How funny is that? You were so on point with Ice Cube. Great post HC :)

Mahogany Elle said...

Man, I missed that b.brown episode and everyone and their momma's talking about it (LOL)... Like your "at least I'm not not a criminal or black republican quote". Classic :)

Mala said...

Ok, I wet myself and I think I love you....

E to the dwige said...

LMAO dude that was hilarious. WTF happened to bobby's lip indeed. I think he's missing a few teeth cause of all the crack in his system.

Nikki said...

With the way Bobby Brown's bottom lip was twisted, you woulda thought he'd had a stroke or something. And he probably did, because excessive drug use does cause strokes in some cases.

Brother OMi said...

i missed the bobby ep too.
this is ill...

but you gay? lol... thats funny man

good jobby job again..

Amadeo said...

I'd probably be most pissed that I don't slide into my car window like the Dukes of Hazard...or that my car is not that cool...minus the confederate flag on top.

Dee said...

great post!!! You are too funny...."international vagina"

lindsay-lee said...

Whoo, I can't breathe!!! This was too funny! I was (and obviously other people were) thinking the same think about bobby's bottom lip. He may have had a stroke, cause some people have them without even knowing it. He was looking a hot mess. I know my old self would curse me the hell out too!

gonebabygone said...

lol! Makes you ownder what bobby brown would have been if whitney hadn't come along.

The Marlo Girl said...

miscellaneous international vagina? i'm going to cop that one and use it on all my male slut friends.

"asshole! time to grow up and stop messin' around with miscellaneous international vagina! settle down and get married already!"

LOL

priceless.

bakari said...

Hey, first time visitor. I didn't read your entire post yet, but I just had to stop and comment on what you say about Cube. You got me laughing as well. I've been a long time listener of Cube's early work. Played Death Certificate hundreds of times over the years. But yeah I get conflicted about where he's going now. I once read that he said he didn't want to get boxed in, but I think he's just getting older and is primarily going where the money is. His new CDs are not that hot, but Barbershop was positive in its own way.

I guess Black entertainers should be allowed to make flops and go in different directions like anyone else. But dang, it makes it hard to remain devoted to them when they do so.

Danja said...

Danja (circa age 16): Wow, you are still fat. But damn you are gorgeous. So you fucked how many dudes? WOW. Have you called Guiness, you easy slut? Oh well, you did finish school, but did you have to go $50K in debt to end up working with crackhead prostitutes and dopefiend pimps? Geez, community college would have gotten the same end result!! Don;t you know how to cut up a credit card? Ahh you finally quit smoking, that's good. Still have a face full of pimples though, thats what u get for 10 years of smoking!!! lol

good post love

TheSaga said...

loved the post, as usual.

as far as what happened to Cube, in all honesty, i think he just became a dad... a family man. i mean the nigga was on Oprah talking bout his family life for crying out loud. in all honesty, i aint gonna hate on him though. i see a lot of street OG's change once they have some age on'em. they end up cherishing shit closer to them like family and friends more than the violent streets.

muffin said...

ROTFLMAO!

coley said...

LMAO!!! U are a mess! This shit was hella funny, especially you vs. you! International Vagina....say no more! :)

Positively Cheryl said...

"How gay is that?" Lol...blogging is not at all gay but this was funny as hell. You kill me...lol.

Beloved said...

Thanks for the love on my blog! WTF happened to B Brown's bottom lip??? You ask the questions that we are ALL thinking!! LMAO!!! This post was great! I think I'm gonna like reading your blog!

Ms. World said...

Pure brilliance! If you were white, they would be including you in all of those people who blog stories.

PlatinumGirl said...

That shit is funny! I love the stuff you come up with.

Jdid said...

ha ha ha, I was thinking the same thing about cube last week when i saw triple x. wasnt this the same dude who said burn hollywood burn

Cynthia said...

You are good. Where do you come up with this stuff...

Bullet Proof Diva said...

HC! You are a damn genius...good stuff! LMAO!

Ms. Blaize said...

WAIT! WAIT!! HC!! WHAT ABOUT THE UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR???!!!

*ehem* and I quote....

" I was really, really high on that tour! I was intoxicated .... in a lot of different ways."

Oh and....

" I was so far gone that.... that I can't even explain myself!)

~slurs Bobby Brown (on VH-1's Behind the Music: New Edition 2005)

Uhm... negro, YA THINK??????

What EXACTLY tipped your high ass off???

*Rolling my eyes*!

~Ms. Blaize

JustDes said...

LMAO....I think my mom thought i was convulsing!

SweetB... said...

Wait, I don’t know what was funnier, Bobby Browns comments or the ones to yourself. Classic!!!! Good job!

Coffey0072 said...

Well, when you spend a good part of your life with your lips wrapped around a crack pipe, they start to fashion themselves into a loopy-droopy like configuration.

introspectre said...

Oh my GOD that was funny. I'm gonna have to run with the idea. Not sure when I'll get around to that blog but someday.
My old self, what the hell WOULD she say...hmmm...
Delish food for thought, you fucking awesome brainiac. LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!

Toya said...

LMAO! man you are crazy!

oSSyCoCoTaSo said...

great idea... im tryna imagine this idea on folks like stallone, vanilla ice and of course wacko jacko

piranha said...

heya. my ex was just trying to explain me how much my former self would hate me now that I betrayed it with smoking. (cuz I was the most famous non-smoker you can think of lol. )
good he doesn't know that I recently had the best sex ever on a kitchentable, totally stoned haha. and guess what, one of the most important reasons why he 'loved' me was that he thought that my former self would appreciate and like me, if we met. haha. ain't that a fucking.....insult!!!
well maybe not, but honestly, I don't wanna be bound to the horizons I saw back then. I wanna stay true to my attitude but not in terms of contracts or anything I made wiht myself.
FUCK that shit!
I would still be a virgin then, because the damn 'right guy' just didn't show up until now!!!

smiles from berlin
piranha

Systa Soul said...

You know ... I just came across your blog ... and I must say ... your ass is STOOPID! The Bobby one? FUNNY yet truthful. The one about the Critic? Even FUNNIER. I'll be back for more ... lol. FUNNY!!

Anonymous said...

HC,

I always adore your writing technique and style, but I must admit (as I review old blog entries I have missed) that you have outdone yourself. With this particular entry, you have demonstrated a greater level of sophistication in both your technique and style that humbles me. I know you receive such complements quite often, but let's just say that I am compelled to write this giving you your props. Take care my brother, soxlove