Thursday, June 09, 2005

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

My best friend and I have lived in the same neighborhood for about 2 years now. When it comes to drinking in close proximity our options are pretty limited. There is a bar right up the street that is currently called "Crazy C's", that has changed owners about 5 times in the past year. Then there is a bar across the street that Danny and I hardly talk about. OK let me explain. I am the furthest thing from a homophobe, but the bar "across the street" is currently a gay bar.** It was once a gay biker bar, but then it turned into a "regular" gay bar, and the chances of me ever setting foot in there were the same as me becoming a black republican. When Danny would wear something even remotely feminine I would say, "Did you just come from the gay bar up the street?" That drinking establishment was a running joke between the two of us for a while. That was until one very snowy night a few months back.

A few months back when we had a pretty bad snow storm(bad for Virginia) Danny and I looked for a place to drink. We went everywhere, that bar up the street was closed, 5 bars that we went to in our city was closed, 3 bars that we went to in a neighboring city were closed, we were officially fucked. As we come back home dejected after not finding a place to drink at, we both look over and see that the gay bar is open. We briefly look at each other, thinking the same thing and I say, "Fuck no! Hell no man!" Danny replies, "You are supposed to be the liberal here, all excepting of everyone and shit. What gives?" I reply, "It's not about them being gay, but what if I see some girl there that I know?" "What are you talking about", he says. I say, " OK, when I used to go to this lesbian bar to check out some bi-curious chicks I would often see girls that I knew. No matter how much they told me that they were "just there for a drink", I would always think they were full of shit. If I saw a girl there that I knew there would be no explaining that!" Danny turned the car around and said, "I'm getting drunk so fuck you!"

He pulls right in front of the gay bar and says, "Are you coming or not?" Defiantly I said, "Not, I'm walking home". "Suit yourself asshole!", he said as he walked in. I sat in the car pondering a few things. 1. Was I giving a phony excuse because I am a homophobe? 2.What in the fuck is up letting Danny talk to me that way 3.Damn I hate Shaq 4.Damn Serena Williams has a fat ass and 5.I really do want to drink.(OK, my mind wonders) I enter the establishment and for some reason I felt the sudden need to walk with a tough swagger, and even speak with a rougher voice. I sit beside Danny and the Bartender says, "Honey, we all know you are straight, don't worry!" Even though I thought I should be embarrassed by what the bartender said, I was actually happy, because this is a homosexual with the ultimate "Gay-dar" and he knows that I am straight as straight can be. So Danny and I begin to systematically throw back shots, but I was still a little wary about my surroundings.

The funny thing is I guess a few straight guys that I knew had the same problem we did in finding a bar, because about 7 guys that I knew all showed up within minutes. The conversations between us went like this: Me: What's up man? Them: Nothing man. I'm not gay, I just want a drink. Me:Me either, I just want to get a drink. I'm all man baby! And when I say baby I mean it as slang, not really calling YOU baby. Typical guys.

Little did I know that that night would change my life forever. I sparked up a conversation with this gentleman named Richard who had just lost his lover to AIDS. He told me that at his lover's funeral, it was this religious right-wing fanatic along with his followers who picketed the funeral and said things like "All fags are going to hell" during the funeral proceedings." He laughed when I told him that if I was him that I would of cut that guys' nuts off and shoved them in his mouth. Richard laughed even more when I told him that I was dead ass serious. There was also this dude named Chris, who basically had two black eyes, who told me that he had gotten beaten up leaving the bar we were at simply because he was gay. I assured him that if that guy showed up tonight that I would beat his ass in front of everybody, he giggled and said "OK, I'm going to take you up on that!"

The coolest thing was that they all laughed at my wildly inappropriate jokes. When I said "I'm not getting too drunk around you guys because i don't want to wake up with stretch marks around my mouth" they laughed. When I told a gentleman who didn't laugh at my jokes, "Come on guy, if you can take a dick then you can take a joke"(I heard that somewhere) they laughed as well. Moments later this beautiful sister walked in with a couple of her friends, but I didn't try to speak to her because about an hour earlier I had seen someone who I thought was a woman but wasn't. She walks over and says, "How about you buy me a drink?" Usually I tell women to fuck off when that question is posed, not because I am cheap, but because I am an asshole and I would buy you drinks all night if you just let me initiate the order of things. But tonight I feel pretty generous so I buy her and her friends some drinks.

We talk a while and I ask if she is really a female, she sternly says "Hell yes!" I say "prove it" and she flashes me her tits, making me simply say "You could of had surgery!" This chick pulls down her skirt and underwear and exposes her pierced clitoris, again I say "A guy can get one of those too!" She then riffles through her purse and not only shows me her I.D, but a picture of her as a child, and a birth certificate. It was weird because as soon as she showed me proof of her gender I got a pretty stiff erection, which troubled me because of where I was at exactly. We exchanged numbers but to be totally honest I never called her, maybe her birth certificate was a forgery!

The night winds down, me and Danny heavily intoxicated, leaving the establishment heavily intoxicated. We are standing outside I am, believe it or not, having a pretty polite argument with a gentlemen about how "There is no way you can compare being gay to the civil rights movement." I told him that even though I am leaving the bar with a new outlook, there is no way I could except that assertion. In the middle of our discussion a car pulls up and a grizzled looking guy not only throws a bottle near us, he scream out "I should burn this bar down! Nothing but Niggers and Faggots!" I looked at Chris and he had told me that that was the guy that had beaten him up. The guy gets out of the car with a gas can, this mother fucker was really going to burn the place down!

When he walks up I punch him in the face with all my might, dropping his ass like a sack of potatoes. For the next five minutes I beat him bloody all over that fucking parking lot, thinking about how he just called me a "nigger", thinking about that right wing douchebag that picketed his lovers funeral, thinking about Chris getting beat up. I must of kicked this guy a thousand times, then something very scary happened. I put him back in his car and started to pour gas all over the car. All I heard was a chorus of gay men scream, "Noo" as Danny tackled me and asked me "What in the fuck are you doing? You trying to burn this asshole up and be in jail forever?" He had a good point, so as we hear sirens in the background we start to leave.

Chris comes up to the passenger side window and thanks me. He says, "I know you won't come here again, but it was cool that you were understanding." I shake his hand and head home. As I stand in the shower, washing premium grade gasoline off me, I just reflect on what had just happened.

74 comments:

I am Jack said...

Look at you, being the gay rights activist abd shit..lol P.S I read the blogger that yu are talking about at the end of your story. Honestly, he can't fuck with you and HE DOES KNOW IT. Good post.

Goldi said...

Think about it you were at the least likely of places at the least likely of times. You were there to make sure Crakka Joe didn't burn the place up (and get a gratuitous view of coochie).

Who is this doppelganer blogger y'all keep talkin' about?

gonebabygone said...

:-) This post made me smile so much. I have quite a few gay friends and it hurts me to think that they are targets for close-minded assholes like that. It also pains me to think about how they don't have equal rights. Thanks for sticking up for them. We need more people like you....well, with slightly less volatile tempers. lol. The gay rights movement is kind of cool like that. Most of my friends are passifists because they have seen so much violence that they know they can't cure it with more violence, so they fight back legally... I'm confident that one day they will have their rights and we'll all look back and see how bigotted the nation as a whole was to people who just plain wanted to live in peace.

courtneyelizabeth said...

nice read....nice perspective. :)

Anonymous said...

It was cool that you could admit your homphobia and how yu perspective was changed. Bravo!

Nikki said...

Wow, that was cool that views changed somewhat once you entered the bar and conversed a bit with the patrons. I knew a beatdown was coming to ol' guy though. Good read.

Derek said...

wow, everything is just so crazy! haha. my life is so boring compared to what i read here

you hit up my site, so i thought i'd check out yours. i'll be back ;)

DaKelzz said...

Great Post.

Amazing what can happen when we take chances we don't normally take

Guessaurus said...

HC, I have been lurking round here for a while, but this, I couldnt pass up.
Has me LOL

PS: thanks for stopping by my corner...

SP said...

I have a lot of gay friends, male and female. I am glad that you met some cool people and have become a bit less of a homophobe. But I feel you on the "There is no way you can compare being gay to the civil rights movement." argument. I had the same "conversation" with one of my co-workers when he proceeded to tell me how his people had it so much harder that my people in this day and age and how racism was going away. I told this white guy from England to try visiting the mid-west or the south to see what discrimination was really about.

kev fan said...

Cool read man but..Where you really going to burn ole' boy up?? That's gangsta man!..lol

Beloved said...

Good read. Just a little wary of you now since I know that you will douse a fool w/ gasoline if provoked...

melette said...

Critic, I was with you during the beatdown but please don't try to burn anybody else up.

Anonymous said...

It is good to read a blog from such an open minded individual..

that_girl said...

Straight guys in a gay bar I damm sexy,just my opinion! ;)

PaintingChef said...

well damn...

Dee said...

THE MANY ADVENTURES OF H.C.
Good that you stood up for yourself and the guys you met!! I have many gay male friends and you would be shocked at the many times I have had to bring it rough and rugged like to some ass holes while we are out in public!!! Sad but true!!!

JEW said...

Stretch marks! Good one!

I like taking my boyfriend to gay bars. It's better than showing off good shoes.

Amadeo said...

See a beat down is the universal translator...bridging the gap one asskicking at a time.

Imara said...

Interesting blog! Thanks for stopping by 'Where Two or More...'

Gas-o-leana said...

Wow, since i have been on here you have gotten the most comments I have seen. I live in VA too about 4 hours from you and I even went to HU. Anyways, I'm doing a project. You seem very intersting and I would love your input. please help me.
gas-o-leana.blogspot.com
spread it.

Steph said...

Wow. This is the first time I've hit your blog and I loved this post. I have a few comments...

1. You're my new hero.
2. Next time a girl approaches you and tells you to buy her a drink, turn around and order her a glass of water.
3. Isn't it sad to realize how many homophobes there are out there and how hurtful and narrow minded they can be?
4. I've spent many evenings in gay bars with friends. One night, I was with a girlfriend who is gay, and while we were in the bar, a woman came up to her and said, "You're friend isn't gay, is she?" But she said it as though it was so obvious and even a little comical. I actully got a little offended, thinking - "What do you mean?! Why can't I be gay?!" Trust me, it was a few drinks down! :)

I am Jack said...

Also, i have felt that homphobia runs rampant down here in the south.

Jdid said...

call the chick!

soundboyz said...

Wattup dude!!!Thanks for sticking up for justice !!!!I think when everybody realizes that evil should be dealt with in a real way , and not sitting around waiting for Jesus to help them, then people will start to understand that things can change for the better !!!

Slow Metamorphosis said...

This is a great post but couldnt homegirl have shown you the license and the birth certificate before showing her pierced clit and her tits? lol. just an observation

coley said...

Wassup HC...

I really enjoyed that post! And when you got to the beat down, I was thinking... There he goes again, actin a dayum fool! Which is to be expected, I aint new here... LOL!

Now... Who is the blogger you're talking about???

FantasyFootballGuru said...

Awesome post, you have one of the best blogs around.As for that "blogger", fuck him!..lol

No4real4real said...

Yo thanks for stopping by!

I didn't know they be wilding out like that in VA. Good shit on your handle, that is whats up! I need to go back and read more of your post and see what other violence you been involved in...

U-Liang said...

I have to echo others who posted here, you are my new hero. I love all your writing, you are very gifted. I have to ask whoever posts after me: Is HumanityCritic your favorite blogger? He's my favorite blogger. Ok, I'll shut up now.

Luke Cage said...

"Me either, I just want to get a drink. I'm all man baby! And when I say baby I mean it as slang, not really calling YOU baby." -that was right on time friend. But damn HC..u were going to turn ol' boy into the Human Torch huh? -lol

GeckoGirl said...

Please tell me you make this stuff up! There's no way one person's life can be that exciting...

Bec said...

Remind me never to piss you off! Great story, and I agree with the poster above; You ARE the best blogger out there!!!!

G. Cornelius Harris said...

Good sh!t HC...Around here gay bars stay open later...So for a group of straights to end up there by the end of the night is usual...

"There is no way you can compare being gay to the civil rights movement."

I mean WTF! You got to be bullshittin'...I'll keep you posted

CaffeineDiva said...

You are out of control!
On behalf of my multitude of gay friends, THANK YOU FOR KICKING THAT GUYS ASS!
On the other hand, you really need to calm your ass down before you end up behind bars. Please tell me that you really weren't gonna light his ass up, literally.
Great post as usual. Funny stuff!

shinjyo said...

You are a wild dude, hands down!! Great story man.

Jelly said...

Violence is clearly the answer. Either that or gasoline, but one of them must be the answer.

Death said...

I hear that you're only gay if you're on the bottom. I'm just sayin and shit.

GirlInterrupted said...

I love you right about now! Awesome post, excellent writing, and a sharp sense of humor.

Anonymous said...

I usually don't respond, just read you on a daily basis from the great city of Brooklyn but... This is a very good post, you are so talented.

jimbo said...

Wow, we could use you, your tolerance and your rage on our half-gay rugby team in The District. Are you in the DC area?

BLESSD1 said...

"If you can take a dick you can take a joke" came from Immortal Technique. Great post man. Before moving to Atlanta, the "San Francisco of the South", I wasn't so much homophobic as I was homo-ignorant. I was just clueless, and thought they were all just nasty (well...except for two attractive gay women. Whew! There's little in life more entertaining!)Then, when I discovered that some folks that I worked with, and thought to be really cool were gay, I didn't think any less of them. I've since begun hanging w/a GORGEOUS lesbian that throws me on her gorgeous friends all the time! Yes...there are some flambouyant gay guys that still make my stomach turn in disgust, but there are some that are really cool. Again, kudos on the post man

Heavyskies said...

Thank you very much for your comment on my blog. You're blog is extremely impressive. I felt small after reading it :)

Anonymous said...

Dayum, your an inspiration H.C. ;)

April said...

That was me, sorry bout that.

Maya's Brother said...

Sensitive Blk Man for $500 Alex.

DAILY DOUBLE!!!!

*punches up some numbers on an archaic calculator*

The PPP index just went through the roof!!!!!

Girl With An Alibi said...

Awesome Post!!! But please don't kill anyone. We don't want your future posts coming from the State Pen.

Ms. Blaize said...

I'm with Slow Metamorphosis right there..... driver's license and birth certificate should be enough... and if the tittie flash couldn't convince ya then it's probably not worth it!;-)

Oh and don't get too excited luv..... open minded or not, I've heard of that spot (off of P.A. Road) and that bar has had way too many health violations (food issues) so if you go back.... you might not want to eat there. Werd.

Bish said...

Remind me never, never to piss you off. It was cool how you can learn alot more about accepting people different from you when THEY aren't all up in your face demanding you accept them.

Toya said...

dude...you're crazy! i'm sure glad they stopped you before you ended up in jail....

Miss_Vicki said...

Thanks for coming by & commenting on my blog. I can't say I agree with what ya did, but I understand it. But that kinda shit only fuels the fire and gives the asshole racists something to bark about. I think one punch woulda been fine ;)

obifromsouthlondon said...

once is enuff for me dude. gay bars suck wood.

circleinasquare said...

I agree with H.C. in that "there is no way you can compare being gay to the civil rights movement". It's not the same , but there are similarities. The harsh shared experience of people of color before that great struggle is nothing like the day to day experience of lesbian and homosexual citizens in the urban neighborhoods where we cluster for safety and comfort. I guess I can always step out of my faggot's skin if I need to, watching what I say or wear, or where I cast my eyes, and hiding behind the straight educated middle class European American I can appear to be (i'm actually gay, working class, and half Puerto Rican) Kind of like a light skinned Black woman former neighbor who was able to work in Wannamakers cosmetics department in the 1950's because she could "pass"for white. The key idea leading to the official legal descrimination of both groups is the same; the notion that some types of people are better than other types of people BY BIRTHRIGHT. In both cases the majority holds a position which puts themselves above the minority, and then gathers and promotes supposed "evidence" which supports it's right to higher status. Similar too is that in both cases the notion of superiority is said to be supported by texts in the Christian Bible. It's ironic that a group subjugated for hundreds of years to a large extent on the basis of selective interpretations of that ancient text, and who now have achieved some measure of releif through civil rights legislation, would then use the same book as a basis for continued official legal discrimination against another group made the way they are by the very same God described in it's pages. (Please don't fall back on "it's a lifestyle choice". Do you remember the day you "chose" to be straight? Of course not. Because you didn't, you just were you. Just like we were just us. We can see that queers have existed all through recorded history. That's never changed. What does change, is if cultures decide that fact is nothing to get excited about, or if it's something to be hated and feared.) How fluid and subjective are these interpretations? Well, do any of you believe that persons who have married for a second time(divorce and bigamy), who have taken out a home loan(usuary), or who have married outside of their race(misegination) will be denied access to heaven because of their "sins"? Historical interpretations of the Bible have asserted that to be the case for all of those things. Black folks struggled , sacrificed, and died for their freedoms. They would not have succeeded without the assistance of Jews(persecuted for their birthright) East Coast liberal intelectuals, and an increasingly sympathetic media. Similar forces are at work today on our behalf. It truly saddens me that many in a group which has benefitted from the forces of diversity and inclusion banding together, would join with the forces of hate and exclusion(and their historical enemies) to deny justice and self determination to others, jealously hoarding freedom, it seems, only to hold on to the status of being better than somebody else. As the great Solomon Burke sang, "None of us are free, if one of us is chained." Ed T.

piranha said...

okay, i actually wasn't going to comment here because you get too many comments anyways ;-))
but here I have to jump in because it gives me the oppotunirty to make a point i long ago wanted to make but didn't really feel the necessity for it or the appropriate situation. I first of all agree very much with 'circlinasquare' that it seems rediculous that someone who must have encountered racism and the injustice of being treated differently due to something he cannot or doesnt want to change anyways, should treat others the same way.
my case now is a bit more tricky because the motivation happens not to be so easily defined: i cannot blame anyone who is black if he has a reverse emotional reaction to those who treated him differently. But the whole talking about 'your black ass' and stuff just shows how much all this is still an issue. so i don't blame you but i think it s pretty significant that you hardly will find any white person talking bout their white asses or about how much white or less white they are except for they are so lucky to have some 'mixed' blood (blood?)
I say 'lucky' because in fact I think those are lucky because I think it sucks big time to be white (and it sucks even more that colour matters, but, on the other hand it might as well just be that persoanl taste plays a big role here). anyways, part of why it sucks to be white is, that some of the beautiful black people i know happen to be very ignorant (oh, and the black bloggers are mostly even more ignorant!!!!) and arrogant towards me and seem to think they are by definition cooler than me and for example, having a relationship with me is out of the question cuz i am not black. of course this could be due to personal preferences, because some blacks are not that way ( in fact two of my three boyfriends i had so far were afroamerican) but I still am worried bout some racist tendencies amongst afro-whatevers. (sorry, i am not up to date which name is appropriate currently, as obviously saying nigga is not really appropriate for a non-black person)
its sad , but then again, we are all humans and this then is normal... sadly enough.......but also the proof that neither you or we (speaking in generalized terms) is better than the other....
piranha

Sankofa said...

(side note - Ms. Vicki, HC never delivers one hit..lol)

You already know what I say HC...hot post. You deserve one good C. Pie :-)

Sankofa said...

Wow...ok. So I came back to read all of the posts...I hear this arguement all of the time, from both sides. And frankly, I am sick of the whole thing! Are we actually so concerned over who had it worse? Between racial discrimination, gay bashing and the holocaust...who cares which one was worse? THEY WERE ALL TERRIBLE! It's like hearing abused woman argue over whose man beat them more! If we spent less time COMPARING ATROCITIES and more time helping each other heal our wounds, then we ALL would be better off...ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

piranha said...

sankofa, i perfectly can relate and agree.
i hope that my comment didn't suggest that i am whining.
i am merely sad at times, that sometimes friendships or even only interesting encounters are prevented because the very fact that I am not one of 'you' (be it black, gay or a person who was affected by the holocaust - in fact i am even worse off than this, cuz my grandfather was a f***** nazi!). of course, not having the experience of what it is like to belong to one of those categories deprives me automatically of some common background, but then again, there could be so many things that we could share despite this.
but then, reality shows, that some things can really only be truely understood with some sort of experience, which you cannot purchase at the next supermarket...maybe in some distant future this kind of experiences doesn't exist anymore and we all have common ground....

Brother OMi said...

1. the term homophobe is used incorrectly...

2. the homosexuals who are involved in politics (noticed i am being specific) continue to CO-OPT the black struggle in the United States.

3. We don't have to choose to be heterosexual, its natural. just like we don't have to choose to be breathers of oxygen.

4. NOT all segments of the Black community are in favor of denying homosexuals their human rights just the conservative xian types.

5. I commend HC on his honesty. you did your thing

6. Africans in the diaspora did not set the tone or rules on racism. I agree that some of our emotions are reactionary. But it did not start with us. I agree that Blacks, whites, asians, etc. need to be totally honest and candid about the issues of race, but i find it a problem with the great majority of whites tend to deny it.

7. the liberal left and the jewish community continues to betray black folks on several levels by
a. being condescending
b. not allowing blacks to take leadership positions or to be self determined on any issue
c. would rather compromise us then lose their position.

i am sure that some of these points will bite, but I am being honest and can support my statements.

Cynthia said...

HC,

You seem like you have issues...

Mahogany Elle said...

Great read, as always. Really, I'm amazed that in one night you:
-beat up a man and were about to burn him to death
-had a girl, who habitually carries around a birth certificate, show you her unmentionables in a public club
-mistakenly tried to kick it to a he/she
Either you have the most fanciful life I have ever heard of or you're Jayson-blogger-Blair. LOL. Either way, your stories are well told. I'll keep reading :)

Hermes said...

Again, another fucking brilliant post. Your writing rocks.

Hermes said...

Critic. Please let me know when your book is coming out. Your shit is that good. You need to somehow get published (if you haven't already)

introspectre said...

A chorus of gay men screaming, "Noooooo!"
fuck.
brilliant.

Bullet Proof Diva said...

spectacular writing. Your talent amazes me. I would buy the book too...hell, I would even watch the movie based on your life!

Kevin B said...

I have absolutely nothing in common with you, HC, but I'm enjoying reading your stuff. Your blog is an inspiration. I've just started trying to share amusing or interesting thoughts from a Dad's perspective, but I've got a way to go before reaching your level.

Mad Bull said...

HC, let me ask you a question... have you ever, ever, ever lost a fight? Give us a post about that story, nuh?

Vladimir de León said...

I am naturally a pacifist, but if I were to see you beat up that asshole I probably would have joined in.

miyna said...

"bridging the gap one asskicking at a time." good one, Amadeo.

HC, I'm about to make your blog my homepage, I kid you not. You get me every time.

moluv said...

Another great post. As a fan and avid reader, I've visited the site pretty often. However, I'm wondering how much of what you write actually happens.

Whether the stories are embellished doesn't really take away from the entertainment value. Besides, the dialogue they create is at least as good as the content. It's especially true for this post. I'm just curious, though.

I am Jack said...

I can't speak about his other entries, but since I live in the same area of HC I could verify the following few things.

1. A gay guy that I work with told me that he witnessed the incident and toldme that HC beat up a gay basher.

2. My sister's husband went to college with HC and he tells me that he was a legitimate bad ass.

3. The bar that he talks about actually exists in the Virginia Beach area.

4. As a person that has lost his license many times, I didn't find it odd that the lady he was talking to had a birth certificate with her. If she had a purse than the vhances of that happening are doubled.

Great story HC, don't let people's disbelief sway you, keep doing your thing. Hell, I created a dummy account just to comment..LOL

the kid said...

DAMN!!! I am glad they stopped you!!! I think it's strange that she had a birth certificate on her... I don't know anyone who just has one in their purse like that...

thatcoloredfella said...

HC,

Until I am convinced otherwise, I will believe that only educated, well-rounded and successful hetero Black folks like you can, or will develop the type of tolerance you've displayed towards gay people.

Which means, the prevalent homophobia in the Black community is a mixture of ignorance, denial and hypocrisy. For example, R. Kelly continues to sell millions of records, tour and get played heavily on Black radio - in spite of the overwhelming evidence of a sexual predator against him. Yet, Tevin Campbell is caught soliciting a male cop in a public bathroom, and his career is over.

Young'un said...

Damn. That was a funny post, mostly because of the ending. Congrats on the BBA's, by the way.

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