Wednesday, July 06, 2005

My "Hooptie"

The other day, as I drove around and frequented car lots for what would be my next automobile, I got to thinking about all the "Hoopties" that I have had. What is a "Hooptie" you ask? Well, it is a car that could be described as a "rust bucket", a car that you wouldn't be entering in any car shows any time soon, a car that's repairs exceed the amount of the worth of the car. (The term was actually popularized by Sir Mix-alot in the song "My Hooptie", hence the title of this post.) Yep, that's a "Hooptie"! Here are a few that I have had in my lifetime. By all means, share some stories of "Hoopties" you have had in the comment section, feel free.(Disclaimer: The image of the cars provided don't accurately depict the condition the car was when I drove it.)

1981 Cutlass: This was my first car so it has a special place in my heart. Of course the car that I had wasn't in good as shape as the picture I provided, actually it was pretty rusted and in desperate need of a paint job. I remember being quite ashamed of it at the time, but as I look back it was a pretty kick ass car when I think about it. For one thing it was a T-top, so driving by beautiful women while blasting Biz Markie as my bald fade blew in the wind was a every day summer occurrence. Also, since my father was a master mechanic, he put a high performance engine in that rust bucket so I was able to beat all my friends who all had new cars and wanted to test my Cutlass. This was also was the first car that I eluded police in, speeding down a deserted countryside with my lights off, hoping I wouldn't meet my demise. The backseat was pretty spacious as well, so I had numerous escapades of miscellaneous sex back there. The memories are unforgettable, but this car met its untimely demise because I didn't put oil in it like I was supposed to so the engine locked up. I almost shed a tear as my father had that car hauled off to the junkyard, then he gave me an awkward look as I uttered "Goodbye old friend" under my breath.

1991 Chevrolet Spectrum: This was a very strange car because it was exactly like the Isuzu-Imark. It was a undeniable piece of crap, that gave me problems through most of my college years. For one thing, the backseat was so small that there wasn't any vehicular love going on back there. Also, the car would shut off sometimes for no reason, and it would have a mind of its own because it wouldn't start back up until a half hour later. This happened when I was on a date with this fine ass girl named Christy, you know you have a fucked up car when you have some chick giving you bullshit advice like "pour some soda on the battery!" I had to call a friend of mine to take Christy home, which he gladly did, because I am certain that he got to know Christy "biblically" because of my horseshit car. There is another interesting tidbit concerning the Spectrum. I read somewhere that the Chevy Spectrum was one of the easiest cars in the world to steal, which I found as a "fun fact" until it was stolen 3 times in the span of 4 months. This one time it was stolen, the robbers had actually attempted to steal the radio, but when they saw that it was a piece of crap they left it on the passenger seat.

1986 Cougar: Every time I see a Cougar nowadays I want to light it on fire, or roll that motherfucker in a ditch somewhere. I know that I shouldn't take my rage out of all cougars since mine was a specific piece of crap, but the issues that I had with it were many. For one thing, no matter how many times I got it fixed, it seemed to leak transmission fluid on a regular basis. The running joke with my friends at the time was, "You want to know where the HumanityCritic is going, just follow the trail!" It was embarrassing, it got even more unbearable when my car suddenly lacked the ability to go in reverse. Driving around in a parking lot for minutes, trying to find a spot that I could "pull out of" and not "back out of" was basically pathetic. Those few times that I found myself having to back out of a parking spot, or back up because I was too far into an intersection, I would throw my foot out Flinstones-style and manually back-up. Nothing says "loser" more than a man using his left foot as a reverse function.

1972 Nova: This was supposed to be my "fixer-upper", but sheer laziness set in, so this car was a rolling piece of shit the entire time I drove it. For one thing the car needed a engine badly, so anyone who dared to get behind me while I drove it found themselves in a proverbial smoke cloud.(It was funny to see people race besides me, screaming "Get your motherfucking car fixed asshole!!") I was also dating a girl who had a crazed ex-boyfriend while I drove the Nova, so when he put 6 bullet holes in the driver side door it was kind of like a badge of honor for me.(For Christs sake, if you are going to make a statement at least let me be IN the car while you are filling it full of holes. That would of gotten his message across better.) The funniest part about the whole bullet-hole thing is when my father grabbed both sides of my face, and said with a stern look on his face, "What exactly are you into son?? You can tell me." This car met its demise when it caught fire on the side of a interstate on hot summer day. Looking back the fire was pretty small and probably could have been contained. BUT, if I learned anything from watching poorly produced cop shows in the 70's and 80's, it is that you vacate the premises if your car is on fire because that fucker will blow up any second. It did blow up, but not in a Hollywood fashion though. When the fire department showed up and put out the fire, a fireman asked me, "What are these, bullet holes?? What exactly are you into?" I had to laugh at that.

36 comments:

Luke Cage said...

"Those few times that I found myself having to back out of a parking spot, or back up because I was too far into an intersection, I would throw my foot out Flinstones-style and manually back-up. Nothing says "loser" more than a man using his left foot as a reverse function."

-man, I felt your pain right there on that one. I have no stories of hoopties since I'm from NY and what good was a car there. Although my wife's first car "The Cherry" was a rolling disaster. It was a Mercury Tracer and it just gave us hell until we had her taken out to the pasteur, and ended her miserable existence. Your '86 Cougar seemed like the equivalent of her '89 Tracer -lol

Belle said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Belle said...

My best friend had a Cutlass, "The Cut." It was his first car too. He cried-tears rolling down his face-when they towed it to the junkyard. I cried too...we had good times in that car.

Girl With An Alibi said...

My "hooptie" was Chevy Chevette. I still get hives when I see one. My Dad had a Cougar which also met it's demise by blowing up. But that was because some a-hole ran a semi into the back of it. Fortunately a cop got my folks out before it blew up. Sometimes there is a cop around when you need one.

piranha said...

well critic, now that is an accomplishment to make an utter car-ignorant read an entire post on cars. lol.
you can figure that i have no idea what cars i had and there were not many and i have to admit actually they belonged all to my sister. but i remember that fucked up hooptie in alaska in which i learned how to drive. it was an old pick up which wouldn't have passed the TUV in Germany by no means. I had my first car accident with that car and stuff. very exciting. and lovely. good memories, sure. i wish i knew where it is now.....

JUL'S said...

You should try driving a yellow stationwagon around! Dull yellow with the muffler hanging by duct tape and close hangers. When it died I got another yellow station wagon. Not much better but it got me from point A to point B and back. I was just kuel and all!That's funny !Tee-hee!!! Jul's

GeckoGirl said...

You've got my LOL over here. Now my abs hurt!

I had a hooptie once - the Demon Box, an 80-something Sunbird. It was prone to not starting so I always tried to park on an incline so I could pop the clutch to start it if need be (or sometimes I would just leave it running if I was only going to be inside for a minute). It had no AC - I lived in AL/VA so you KNOW that was torture. It was a two door but passenger seat didn't lean forward like it was supposed to so everyone had to get in on the driver's side. And last but not least (and the inspiration for the name), it would overheat so I'd have to turn on the heat to draw heat off the engine. That car had some powerful heat!

Running2Ks said...

Thx for the memories. My first was a 1979 Chrysler Newport. My parents wanted me to drive that black powder spewing/conking out sexy beast so that I wouldn't get a date. The backseat was large ;) Soda on the battery--I think that was disproven on Mythbusters, but I think the bullet for something electrical works.

Amadeo said...

I am blessed to have no hooptie experience. I have had familiarity with some though the worse thing in the world is to put your foot to the brake and hope it works. My favorite hooptie was man mans bronco the pre-Expedition SUV...when you gave him 5 dollars for gas the joint just laughed.

Herschell / Special*Dark said...

LOL. I rocked an Oldsmobile Delta '88 in high school. Three words: OMGHUGE BACK SEAT. There's nothing like maroon velour on your bare back to make you feel alive.

Ben Kenney (From The Roots and currently from Incubus) has a single out now called Hoopdie. I was humming it the whole time I read your post.

The memories. :)

~Spec

Brother OMi said...

ha ha ha ha haha haha ahahha

every car i owned was a hooptie. i refuse to buy a new car.

but dope story

Elms said...

Man thats a lot of "hoopties." But you got some classic ones in there like the Nova. My buddie had a Nova, and I used to make fun on him when we drove past girls by sliding down in the seat. Take it easy man.

InterstellarLass said...

ROFLAMO on the 1986 Cougar! My 'hooptie' was a Chevy Cavalier (don't remember what year). My first car. My dad bought it for me at an auto-auction for about $200. You bid on it, and get it and whatever's in the car. He then sold a pair of shoes (from a giant bag of shoes that was in the trunk) to a Mexican for $2, so the car really only cost $198. Ran like it too. The AC barely worked, it needed paint, and the engine was all messed up. He had a couple of buddies that 'worked on the car', and 'painted the car' (only had a few drips when it was done). The thing ran for less than a year, and he spent waaaay more on the car keeping it 'running' that it was worth. Oh! I almost forgot! If it was raining and you drove through a puddle, you'd better pull your feet up off the floor, 'cause they were gonna get wet! Rust...

Nikki said...

I never owned a hooptie, but my brother did and still does. He has other cars, but his pride and joy is his doublemint gum wrapper green 1968 Chevy Impala.

He has to get in and out of that mugh Dukes of Hazzard style. Through the damn windows. And when it rains, it leaks in the trunk, which has caused a foul stench throughout the car.

He's been wanting to fix it up as his pet project, but work has kept him extremely busy. I recently took pictures of it and sent them into Overhaulin' on the TLC network. Maybe they can turn his bucket into a beauty.

Quietbeauty said...

LOL great story, I'm happy that I never had to have a hooptie of my own, but I do recall the days when my parents had a few, my mom owned 1976 grand prix and we were in a ball of smoke every where we went , I remember one time the car couldn't go into drive so we had to go all the way home in reverse so embarassing, and the worse car I think she owned was a 1970'something Dodge challenger she would pull up to get me from school and all the kids be yelling that my "chuck wagon" was there to pick me up.

BlueAngel said...

My first car was a 1982 Mercury Cougar - Black. Didn't even have a radio. It had a carburator (I don't know if I spelled that right), and I often flooded it out because it wouldn't start. Hell I used to say prayers to make it start. I traded it in for another car, which ended up being the Hoop DeVille (1994 Ford Tempo - Teal).

When I finally got rid of it last October, it had never started again, once I parked it at the gym one evening. The front seat was on the back seat (which is why my back is messed up) and it had no AC (I spent 2 summers in FLA like that).

Thank God for new cars!

E_1979 said...

Driving around in a parking lot for minutes, trying to find a spot that I could "pull out of" and not "back out of"

Damn that's the most original funny shit I dun heard mayne...... hmmm hooptie stories... had an old monte carlo.... Typical driver side door aint work..... crawl through the other side.... and no sometimes on the highway it would just fall into neutral ........ bah..

JEW said...

I had a Hooptie.

It was a shit brown '82 Chevette.

It backfired and blew up a car once.

We called it Firestarter.

It was hot. Stop being jealous.

DM said...

Wow, I thought my 1985 Delta '88 was bad...you've suffered through a lifetime of hoo-rides (a derivative of hooptie). Once I was on the freeway in the middle of a storm and all of the lights, inside and out, decided to go out on my car. It was bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

You deserve a Esacalde or sumthin now...I only have a Saturn.

courtneyelizabeth said...

lmao @ the bullet holes...lol

Sankofa said...

1987 Chevy Escort....I miss that car. Well, only on days between 65 and 75 degrees since there was no heat and no AC. I MISS YOU BLUE EYES! LOL

Aziza said...

*lol* Oh Lawd. I nearly cracked my side laughing while reading this entry. This entry reminds me when I had to drive the family's old 1972 Oldsmobile Delta 88 back in 1986 when I was in high school. My parents never let me drive the new car. A light bulb use to hang from the rust spot near the old battlewagon's muffler. Driving that thing was like flying the Battle Star Galatica around tight street curves. I absolutely love this blog.

Bullet Proof Diva said...

HC, I just adore reading your blog!! One of the highlights of my week.

I had my first car when I was 16. My dad didn't even let me shop for one, just handed me the keys. It was a black 83 Cadillac Cimmaron. My friends clowned me just on the name, called me the Cinnamon Roller, LOL. I thought it was a cute car!! I didn't realize it was a hooptie until I got my beemer in college. *

mai said...

31 years, never had a car. how sad am i? oh well, at least i have a license...

lol @ "throw my foot out Flinstones-style"...

that is freakin' hilarious

Chele said...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

coley said...

U done did it again... I was LMAO at this shit! Especially that Flinstone-style...manually back up deal you had goin on! HILARIOUS!!

My first car was a hooptie. a 1978 Chevy Z28. I bought it for $700.00. It was primer grey and when it rained the floor filled up like puddles. To top it off, it had a tendancy to stall in the middle of an intersection. When I came to a stop I would have to put into neutral so it wouldn't shake, and as soon as I would put it into a gear and accelerate... the shit would die! I'd have to wait a minute, while everyone honked and screamed at me until the bitch started up again! I got rid of that thing quick!

Mary said...

Oh shit, the damn Spectrum was my first car. I hated that thing and just imagine my 6'7" (at the time) getting in and out of it.

Actually heard from a passer-by, "Son, you don't get in that car, you put that car ON."

Sadly, ours was never stolen. And that soda tidbit is actually supposed to work although I've never witnessed it myself.

Mary said...

I meant to say husband, what happened to the husband? LOL

Anonymous said...

I had an 89 mazda 323 that wouldnt reverse. The one time i got it to go into reverse, it got stuck that way!!! I've spent many drunken nights calling friends to help me push that piece of shit because i forgot to pull in the parking spot "the right way". Dam, i'm all nostalgic about my "Black Pearl".

John said...

My wife had a Ford Aspire before we got married. We both went to school in Alabama and she was home to visit. On her way back, the engine caught fire. She got it towed to a dealership in the town we went to school in. There, they ordered the new engine. Problem solved, right. Nope. After several weeks with the rental the dealership provided, we asked about the engine. They actually told us that the boat coming from Korea with the engine (they were made by Kia, if I recall) HAD BEEN BOMBED IN THE OCEAN and sank. We looked at each other and said WTF? Like it wouldn't have been on the news if someone had blown up a transport ship, let alone one that had engines and parts for Fords.

To this day, when we see one of those, we shake our heads and try to warn the owners.

AlphaNerd said...

This is by far the best blog I've ever read...

But this comes from a late 20 something, (not so obviously) nerdy, bush-hating, rap beat making, black Son of Sista, who lives in Texas but doesn't give a flying fuck who Mike Jones is.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHA i'm drivin an '89 lincoln continental. not a bad car, and someday i think i'll miss it.

anyways i enjoyed readin your post, made me laugh a lot.

Anonymous said...

This was some funny shit! Your blogs are soo funny!

My first car was a '75 Plymouth Valiant. It belonged to my mom and her husband. They called it the "Big Brown Turd". Out of the they love of their hearts they sold it to me for only $200. I had that car for about 7 months, 4 of which it sat at the curb, unable to start. Her name was Louise, (my sisters cars name was Thelma), and was a piece of shit ( both because it was a big ugly shit colored brown and 'cause it ran like it). We had alot of fun in that car though. We could fit about 9 of us in there. Only bad thing was that every time you turned left it would die. Had to wait about 5 minutes and it would start again, so I totally identified with the people yelling at you to get out of the way at intersections. I got that problem fixed finally and drove it for another couple of months and it started doing the same thing. I had it fixed profesionally that time, paid $150 to get that fixed and got an estimate of $500 to fix all that was wrong with it. On my way home (I lived about 3 blocks from the shop I took it to it died and I had to have it towed back to the shop. They got it running and I took it home. The damn thing died in exactly the same spot after a really loud thud and dragging sound. I ended up having to have her picked up by the junk yard(they charged me $25 to haul it off). I was very very sad when they took her. Especially when as they were pulling her up onto the bed of the tow truck when what looked like blood started flowing from underneath her. I thought I was going to cry I felt so guilty... like I was killing her.

Kelly said...

Ah, the hoopties. Well, my first was a 1989 Buick Regal, that my boyfriend bought for me when I first moved to VA to be with him. 2 months of ownership and the trasmission literally fell out. Then I got a 1987 Chevy Celebrity. I had never even heard of such a car, much less seen one. It had a dent in the drivers side door so bad it wouldn't open all the way. Thankfully i'm thin and could squeeze thru. Next I bought a 1994 Explorer. From my mom. I'd grown up with it, it did her right. Shit fell apart 1 month after the title was put in my man. About 3 times a month I was stranded and towing it to the mechanic to pay an arm and a leg for a repair. After awhile of it sucking me dry, the bitches insides burst and I broke my damn hand beating the shit out of it like my arch nemisis. Fuck that car.

Anonymous said...

LOL!!!

Your story brings back fond memories of my 1980 BMW 320i. You could barely recognize that it was a BMW. It was rusty. The emblems (e.g., "i") were constantly falling off. Every time I parked, I had to stop and pick them up. Not only was the interior a hot mess, but the brake and clutch system were completely gone. I used to live in a city made up of hills. For a 19-year old college girl (at the time) who just learned to drive a stick, I was constantly traumatized in the car. Fear that either the car was going to turn off b/c I couldn't balance the clutch with the gas or that when I rolled down the hill, I would (accidentally, of course) tap the cars behind me who were just a tad bit too close.

When I tried to get it fixed by a "legitimate" auto mechanic, they told me that it would take $500 to completely fix the whole system. I tried to bargain to see what "needed to be fixed", but they sent me away teary eyed telling me that $500 was cheap and $1000 was really what I needed to be charged.

soxlove

Anonymous said...

I had THE hooptie back in high school in '93-'94. It was a '76 Olds Cutlass 4-door given to me by my uncle. No exhaust, 9 miles per gallon, plaid interior! I put a good stereo in it, worth more than the car. The car was originally red, until I got bored one day and thought it would look better in Krylon black.

H-Dawg, Ohio
The car had a few nicknames, those being "Oldsmo-Beast" and "Uncle Buck-mobile". I also called it the "School bus" since I would follow the bus route to school 10 minutes early and pick up my friends, along with anyone else who wanted a free ride. We usually ended up with 7 or 8 people in the car by the time we made it to school.

The Cutlass finally met its maker when I got a newer car, and decided to run it in a demolition derby.