Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Phone Etiquette

I know that I have my faults concerning phone etiquette(Not calling people back, etc.) but some things absolutely irritate me when it comes to the fine art of "reaching out and touching" somebody. Granted, I don't want to bludgeon someone with a receiver or strangle them with a phone cord or anything, these are just random things that irritate the piss out of me.

If you call, say something you savage!: Ladies and Gentlemen,(holding up a candle) my name is HumanityCritic and I am an asshole! I have admitted that fact from day one, but I cherish my friends and try to treat them with the utmost respect. Now, I have a friend named Quincy who is truly a nice guy who wouldn't hurt a fly. The problem is that when he calls me he doesn't say anything, at all. For example: (Phone rings) Me: Hello Quincy: Hey HC what's up man?? Me: Chillin', just trying to figure out if I can market my 2 minute porn flicks to the public Quincy: Cool (Then there is a extremely long, painful silence) The next few minutes is mixed with me manufacturing conversation and trying to get off the phone immediately. It's funny, I have no problem hitting some random asshole with a chair or telling some miscellaneous woman that her private area smells like roadkill after she rudely dissed my friend, but I can't bring myself to tell Quincy that his calls are as boring as a Oaktown 357 reunion album.

I don't want to talk to your fucking kid!: Ladies, I respect the fact that many of you are single mothers, holding down the fort responsibly and with grace. I also understand that your child comes before any man, and whoever you date has to understand that. That being said, I don't want to talk to your fucking kid. It always happens, while I am trying to negotiate a deal to "bump uglies" later that night, the woman goes, "Hold on HumanityCritic, my baby wants to talk to you!!" (Rolling my eyes) I say, fighting back a tone of irritation, "OK, sure" See, if the kid is a certain age then we can have a somewhat decent conversation where they could express certain things articulately, and answer certain questions that I have.(i.e How many dudes come and visit "mommy" during a 7 day period?..and, Do you usually hear moans from "mommy's" room the first time a guy visits? You know, shit like that.) But most times the child just learned to talk, so the conversation usually goes like this: Me: Hey little man, how are you doing? Kid: hello Me: How are you doing? Kid: Huh, hello Me:(frustrated) I'm going to know your mother in a "biblical" sense! Kid: Hello Me: Don't tell your mommy, but I plan on folding her up like origami. Woman's voice: I had you on the speaker phone asshole!! Don't call here again motherfucker!! Fucking kids.

Can't they see you are on the phone!: I don't know about any of you, but if someone tries to have a conversation with me while I'm on the phone, I tell the person to wait until I'm off the phone or I tell the person that I'm on the phone with that I will call them back. I can't tell you how many times I have been talking to some woman on the phone and her no good, lonely as hell, agenda of cock-blocking friend tries to talk to her about the most asinine shit while I'm on the phone with her. I dated a woman named Terry who was pretty cool, but it seemed that her friend "A Fish Called" Wanda(as I called her) would always be over her house interrupting our convo. Here is a sample conversation: Me:Isn't Bush a motherfucker Terry: He sure is, how could he appoint that asshole John Bolton. That motherfucker..hold on HC..(talking to Wanda)..yeah girl, that skirt would look so good on me, but I want it in another color though.(back on the phone with me) OK, what were we talking about? Me: John Bolton Terry: Right! He was known to throw tantrums and..hold on..(talking to Wanda) That's right girl, he ain't shit. Looks like Star Jones husband should be on Queer Eye and shit. ME: TERRY!! Doesn't that dirty peasant have a home or something?? I'll call you later. That shit is just downright frustrating, but I got Wanda back though. I saw her in a club sometime back, on the bottom of a pile consisting of a couple women stomping her like they were trying to make wine. I could have easily got the women off her, but then again I didn't want to interfere.

If you know how I am, don't have me on speakerphone Jackass: Depending on the woman, and the shit she will let me get away with, my phone greetings can be a little vulgar. I had dated a woman that wanted me to call her a "Senora blowjob" because of her prowess with the almighty "mouth hug". I did just that, I would even address her as such when I talked to her on the phone most times. So why did she get mad at me when she called me on speakerphone, with her mother in the car, and not only let me call her "Senora Blowjob" but let me go on a 30 second salvo about me physically giving her "pearl jewelery". She was pissed, and her mother grabbed the phone and gave me an impromptu lecture on how to talk to a lady. I usually respect my elders, and I should have just let her finish cursing me out, but during her diatribe she called me one too many "degenerates" for my taste. So I said, "Ma'am, ask your daughter who wanted me to call her "Senora Blowjob"? Wait a minute, isn't you daughter 27? If you haven't come to grips with the fact that your daughter is freakier than Rick James on a three day crack binge, that's on you lady!" Let's just say I never saw "Senora Blowjob" again, but her silly ass knew better than to put me on speakerphone.

Think Before you leave a message: I have been known to leave silly messages, from singing the theme song to the "Beverly Hillbilly's". or quoting a line from "Juice" where Tupac goes "Riverside Motherfucker!!" I'm not really talking about that childish behavior, something even more embarrassing. If you ever are hurt by a boyfriend or girlfriend, try to actually talk to them on the phone or face to face. The last thing you want to do is leave a seething message, or a message where you are sobbing while expressing your undying love for them. Being 31, I thought that this practice was long and gone amongst people my age, until a friend of mine played the message of her ex-boyfriend crying and saying "how sorry" he was. As she played the message of this sorry son of a bitch crying, her girlfriend's were laughing and absolutely cracking the fuck up. I usually have a sick sense of humor, but I guess being a guy who has been brutally hurt before, I didn't find anything funny about that. Later that night I went to a friends house to play pool, then he wanted to play me a message of his pissed off ex. Her message went something like this: "I know you are cheating on me, and if you are I will castrate you! I will burn your fucking house down, then I will let some guys out of prison hold you down and make you their bitch. I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HAAAAATE YOOU! AHHHHHH!!" Now that's some funny shit, I know, I'm a hypocrite.

38 comments:

CaffeineDiva said...

I'm first? No way! HA

ok, you are an asshole! But damn if I don't luv ya anyway!
The thing I hate is kids that ANSWER the phone yet they are not old enough to say, "Mommy, Dia is on the phone and wants to talk to you". So if your child cannot muster up a full sentence, answer the phone yourself. I don't mind doing the baby convo AFTER I speak to the adult though.

CaffeineDiva said...

oh yeah...and I hate it when someone calls and puts me on hold.
example: ME~ hello, THEM~ hey hold on...
what the...?

Thykness said...

Okay This was a hilarious post!!! I am still trying to figure out why I laughed soooo hard at the Senora Blowjob! You are a mess!! But just from reading your blog ever so faithfully I must say, people should know better when it comes to you and your mouth!!! I love it!

Nikki said...

Yeah, you really have to think before you leave a message on someone's answering machine.

One of my friends broke up with her man and he had left messages crying, begging and singing to her on her answering machine. She played that tape for any and everyone who would listen. He's never lived that down.

Msnhim said...

I am guilty of the nasty messages. I always feel bad though but at the moment I just want to say what I have to say... yeah I need to control my anger.

As usual.. funny as hell. Thanks for the daily laugh

melette said...

I keep my messages quick and to the point. Speakerphone is not your friend. I don't like talking to kids who can't talk either.

DM said...

I have horrible phone ettiquite...talking loud and laughing in public places, answering the phone when I'm busy, talking to three people at once..all that shit. I'm waiting to get knocked off my black one day, but I'll take hede to your advice and ship up.

introspectre said...

The last guy I dated screwed some bitch he worked with so I dumped him. (duh) Had I known the long sobbing messages he would leave on my machine, I never would have dated him. Then I called him back one day and he had Neil Diamonds "Hello" for an answering machine message. I hung up, called him back a few weeks later once he had changed it and asked him how many of his friends beat him up for being such a p*ssy. Ugh.

Adam E. Robinson said...

"Mouth hug"? Oh, holy shit, I love that one! I can't believe I've never heard it before. Anyhoo, great post, as usual.

BLESSD1 said...

Man HC...I damn near soiled myself after reading "Woman's voice: I had you on the speaker phone asshole!! Don't call here again motherfucker!! Fucking kids." Man...I cannot STAND when chicks do that shit if their kids can barely speak! Excellent post, man! Excelsior!

Girl With An Alibi said...

My best friend C. is known for leaving incredibly long, funny, bizarre messages. One of C's friends saved them and recorded them to a tape and then played back like a year's worth to her. C was so pissed, but she couldn't stop laughing cause she finally realized how crazy she really is.

Amadeo said...

I leave as wild a message as possible...my man has his daughter on his cell phone and I always remind him in messages that only loser old people do that type of thing.

jpsweet92174 said...

I have spent all morning trying to remember if I have ever tried to get you to talk to my daughter on the phone...needless to say, if it did happen, it will never happen again! And how come you don't leave me any nasty messages??? *wink*

Zantiferous3 said...

I've never left one of those messages... Good Lawd... I'd rather die. LOL I have girlfriend who have though... and right in front of me too. while I begged them not to... *eyes getting wide and head shaking violently while running finger across throat in a CUT IT motion* Lawd hamercy. Those are the PITS!!! It's one thing to act like an ASS on the phone... LOL but not on the voicemail where it's recorded for all of eternity. LOL

E_1979 said...

man that's some funny stuff....
yeah I don't know why guys leave that sorry message.... If she ain't answering your phone call dude move on ........ Ain't no tail on the planet.. worth that .. watch my ass gonna be on the phone tonight talking about ( from meet the browns) Baby I'm saaaaaaaaaaaaawwww reeee... im saww awawwwwwreee...

Coffey0072 said...

I hate piss poor phone etiquette... at home AND at work... so while at home, I screen my calls shamelessly, and if it's someone I can't stand talking to, I don't answer. In fact, if I feel the conversation is going nowhere, I will either hang up casually w/out warning or I will put the receiver down and continue on watching whatever movie I was watching, while they yap away about nonsense. At work, a huge bulk of my job involves heavy phone contact... unfortunately, I HAVE to deal with it... bummer.

Nia said...

I've left a nasty threatening message or two (or ten) before in my day. When at all possible I make the threats happen though...so that doesn't really make them threats now does it?

Coffey0072 said...

P.S.
I also hate when people will stay on the phone long enough for my voicemail (home or work) to pick up, and then as a message... they hang up.

dParker2.0 said...

I can't stand telephones... I do all I can not to have to talk on one... I'm really bad about that, I've even been known to hang up on a phone conversation with a friend and IM them instead, because I don't feel like holding the phone...

The thing I really hate, though, is when people put those long, goofy greetings on their answering machine. You know the kind, where they either have everybody in the house lined up to say their respective piece into the recorder like some poor man's version of a Von Trapp performance from The Sound of Music, or the ones where they sing along to some grainy music that sounds like doing karoake to a victrola playing in the background. By the time the bizarre greeting is over, I've forgotten who I've called and what I wanted to say.

E_1979 said...

@ Coffey0072 let me get this straight..... The same Woman that has no shame in hangin up on someone or... leaving them on the line yapping to themselves is actually mad.. when someone doesn't play along with your game of screening them ? comon.. have a heart

Anonymous said...

This is so!!! funny. Esp. the part about messages. Don't incriminate yourself! LOL!!! BTW, if Quincy reads your blog you won't have to tell him that he has no convo.

coley said...

Hey HC!

Great post as always!

"Granted, I don't want to bludgeon someone with a receiver or strangle them with a phone cord or anything, these are just random things that irritate the piss out of me."

LOL! U know what though??... I really think I DO want to do the above to some folks at times!!

And I'm sooooo with you about people leaving incriminating messages!

Girl X said...

I just discovered your blog a few weeks ago, and I must say that I'm glad that I did.

I have a friend like your Quincy. I love the girl too much to actually tell her what I think about her conversation. If it isn't a conversation similar to what you have about Quincy, then it's about her boyfriend and what they talked about that day on the phone (they have a long distance relationship).

Anyway, you're an excellent writer.

*Blessings*

Jdid said...

the one with the lil kids is so true

2hot2handle said...

ROFLMAO @ "If you haven't come to grips with the fact that your daughter is freakier than Rick James on a three day crack binge, that's on you lady!"

HC, you are WRONG for that!! But you're hella funny. I don't like speakerphones either. I'm the type to say whatever's on my mind and sometimes, some crazy stuff comes out, and it may fall on the wrong ears. Oh well. Disclaimer: for mature audiences only.

Brother OMi said...

another banger man...
word... i feel you on the little chilluns and phone thing. I hate when folks have a conversation with you while they are on the phone...

solitaire said...

HA HA HA at you on the speakerphone and talking with the kid... STOP KILLING ME!

You know what you didn't talk about? Maybe it's just West Indian folk... don't get them on the phone.

-phone rings-
Solitaire: Hello?
Nigga on other end of the line: Hello?
Solitaire: (mad as hell) HELLO?
nigga: Hello?
Solitaire: WHO IS THIS?
nigga: Oh, it's so and so. Can I speak with....

WHEN THE OTHER PERSON PICKS UP, YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY HELLO BACK!

I am Jack said...

That is the funniest shit ever!!

shinjyo said...

Talking to someone's brat on the phone is the worst. funny stuff man.

FantasyFootballGuru said...

Again, you prove why you are the best blogger around.

piranha said...

yeah, i subscribe all that.
one thing I might add: it makes me furious when I talk to a good friend to whom I haven't talked for a long time and suddenly i hear that 'click click'. yah. she is typing sth. WTF? if you wanna talk to me - talk! if not, don't ! but don't write emails WHILE I am calling you and paying that shit!

NewYorkMoments said...

How about people who insist on calling at all hours of the night? For some reason, it's the SAME people. All of the f*cking vampires!

Kevin said...

Oh holy fucking hell, the thing about people not paying attention when you are obviously on the phone just hits home in so many ways.

When I'm at work and I'm on the phone, my boss will walk in and start to talk to me as though I'm supposed to just stop midsentence in my other conversation and start to talk to her. Then, when I give her the "hold on" sign with my index finger (although wishing it were a different finger I was holding up to her), she stands there and waits although I have given no indication whatsoever that this conversation is going to terminate anytime in the immediate future.

What the hell is it with people?

Running2Ks said...

Hate hate hate it all.

Like when a cell phone drops calls and someone calls you back over and over just to drop the call again?

And, on the land lines, my mother says it best--"Take me off that G_DD_M speakerphone!"

STYLE+GRACE said...

i sooo feel u i hate talkin to peoples lil kids who dont even say anything on the phone or u hear the parent saying, "say hi...say hi." then the parent gets back on the phone sayin,"what did he say?"

u say nothing and the parent always has some excuse...oh he/she is watchin tv...he/she is sleepy...its never a legit excuse like yeah my kid doesnt know what the phone is yet.

after some bs like that i instantly have something else that needs urgent attention and i end the phone call.

if i wanted to talk to lil kids that cant form sentences on the phone i would call and ask to speak to them. (wow i didnt know i could be that mean...that actually sounds vicious)

August said...

OK, you keep me in stitches. I got a question for you though. Do embarrassing messages include playing excerpts of songs on someone's voice mail? For a month, the guy I was dating and a guy I broke up with were both leaving "I REALLY LOVE YOU" from Erykah Badu's "Think Twice" on my voice mail. I really know how to pick 'em.

Duane said...

Dude, the kid one was a classic! I am still laughing.

Paul Baker said...

"and to bitchslap George Bush and Dick Cheney with the force of a Tyson Blow"

I think I like you already...

=P