Monday, September 19, 2005

Heartbreak Hotel

The other day I was being interviewed by a young lady named Candice who wants to do a documentary on my band. When she first came to me with the idea I agreed, not because I wanted our band to get exposurd to a greater audience, but primarily because I have come to grips with the fact that I am a full blown attention whore. So far she has some pretty good performance footage, me arguing with my band-mates, me cursing out a heckler, me kicking some asshole directly in the chest, I'm starting to think that she will title the documentary: HumanityCritic: The man, the Spaz, the total fucking psycho.

Anyway, she was interviewing me the other day and asking me questions that I personally thought were very personal, outside the scope of band related stuff. But since she is a very kind individual who has showed extreme passion behind doing a documentary with a front-man with the temper of a petulant five year old, and a guy whose own mother describes as a 32 year old "boy", I figured I would answer all of her questions honestly.(Some ladies would say that I was hung like a 5 year old as well, but you can't believe the rumors.) She asked me about my family, habits, dislikes, very standard questions until she got to the question, "Can you tell me about your most extreme heartbreaks? Immediately your mind goes to heartbreaks of the relationship variety, where some misguided trollop of a woman loosely juggled with your emotions like a fucking circus clown. But as I sat there, I realized that I have had heartbreak in my life more extreme, that had nothing to do with some girl I loved simply because she didn't totally "irritate" me, or because she lacked a "gag reflex". I went into detail about two "heartbreaks", and here they are..

Stella:(picture not Stella) I used to date this chick named Renee who lived in a extremely bad neighborhood. It was so bad that I used to call her area "Little Beirut" for all the gunshots you would hear during any given night. Every time I left my car to go inside her house I always looked back at the car, the same way someone might look at a weekend fling as they boarded a plane, having to deal with the fact that that might be the last time you ever see them again. Yes, it was that bad. Anyway, during the course of me "dating" Renee(I put quotes around her name because our length phone conversations consisted of the ever romantic, "Hey, whatcha doing? Can I come over? cool!") I became friendly with her elderly neighbor, a woman named Stella. Stella had to be like 75, but she was still sharp as a tack and she took a quick liking to me, probably because she said that I reminded her of her grandson.

Through many conversations that we had I learned several interesting things about her, like her active involvement in the civil rights movement, tales of a brother of hers that was lynched, but most of all I learned her extreme love for music. We would sit in her living room that always smelled like cornbread, which I mean in the best way possible, and we would spin records for hours listening to Ella, Nina, Count Basie, Miles, you name it we played it. She was also a first class riot, especially when she would say to me, "HumanityCritic, you know the girl that you are messing with is easy don't you?? I hope you aren't falling in love, so you would be smart if you had the same emotional investment in her as you do your socks. She's pretty easy!" I would always nod in agreement and say, "Stella, I'm not with her because of her mind. Plus, I could never get serious with anyone who has to think for a moment when asked who the president is, plus there is a good chance that if me and her had a child together she would name my offspring some ghetto ass name that she thinks is unique, but is actually a Ethiopian word for asshole. Don't worry." Stella had a special place in my heart, and I anxiously awaited the days when I would see her, seeing her frail body answer the door and the look of happiness on her face.

So you can imagine my shock and horror when I learned that Stella was brutally raped and murdered outside her house as she got her morning paper one day. I was in a state of disbelief for hours after Renee had told me what had happened over the phone, it was also a shock that her neighbors either didn't see anything or they wouldn't cooperate with police. The reality set in when a police officer, who probably shouldn't have told me anything, went into vivid detail of how many times she was stabbed and the two probable men that committed that heinous crime. As he finished up the horrible specifics of what happened I dropped to my knees and sobbed uncontrollably. I looked up at the police officer with my tear ducts about to explode and said, "Are you going to get these motherfuckers?" and he assured me that he would. That wasn't enough for me, and since 75% of the people on Stella's block wer either on drugs, or selling drugs, I seriously considered threatening people to get some answers, on some Hollywood dectective shit. I realized that my anger was out of control as I heard myself saying the following to Renee, right before I planned on getting some guns and doing lord knows what: "I'm going to find out who in the fuck murdered Stella! If I have to put a bullet in a dope fein or a dealer, fuck it, because no one would miss those motherfuckers anyway!!" As soon as those words left my mouth I realized that I had lost it, the look on Renee's face told me as much. Plus this isn't Hollywood, because in real life "good guy" vigilante's get shot the fuck up, and the last thing I would want is to break my mothers heart.(Even though I did try to beat the living shit out of the two individuals who "wouldn't cooperate" with the police. The cop shouldn't have told me that shit either, but I can't fault the guy in aiding some good old fashion "street justice") Stella's murderers, as of September 19, 2005 are still at large.

My Father: I have gone on and on about my father, to the point that many of you are probably saying "OK, we get it, you had issues with the old guy!!" If you say that, I would be forced to agree with you, but he is the main topic of conversation because a lot of what he did I feel has shaped the asshole that I am today. Granted, I am a asshole who didn't need any help being one, but his behavior definitely didn't help matters. Anyway, for a 2 week period during his last days in the hospital we had bonded in a way that we had never bonded before. We talked about the years he stayed in Japan and all the women he "dated" while he was there. I talked about all the shit I hid from him and my mother while i was a kid, we even watched movies together and hit on nurses as they came into his room. I knew that he was shitty to me before, and that I shouldn't forget any of that, but I was so starved for his affection and approval that I wanted to take in all the kindness that was coming in my direction. As he got sicker, the kindness wore off and we were back at square one with me feeling like a 27 year old "accident".

The first major heartbreak was when my father, grasping for every breath, apologized to me for how he treated me and told me that he loved me. It hurt me deeply because why did he need to be near death to express his love for me, I would have rather he not apologized and been consistent. Lastly, the incident that tore my heart to shreds is when he held my brothers hand and IN FRONT OF ME told him that he was the "good son" and he should take pride in the fact that he wasn't "a disappointment" like HumanityCritic. Right when he said that my mother immediately looked at me, I smiled back and nodded to her in a "don't worry about it" kind of way and silently left the room. My whole life, when he would do something horrible I would say to myself "I'm not doing that!!", referring to how I wouldn't treat my child. I sat down outside his room, laughed to myself to keep from crying and said, "I'm definitely not doing that!"

42 comments:

totolehero said...

you have no idea how much i want to just hold you right now...
losses are tough, and that's why you have to be kind, and have to be a 100%, at all times with the people you love, cuz you just never know if that could be the last time with them, this world is so rough...
i'm so sorry that you had to hear those words from your father before his death...

glory said...

when you mean heartbreak, you are not kidding. i can't imagine the loss you felt with stella, nor the pain you felt with your father. but i'm glad you can talk about it, and hope that you find healthy ways to deal with it.

Anonymous said...

That had to be tough dude, I sometimes forget that you can write touching stuff because you are so fucking funny. Thanks for sharing.

I am Jack said...

Great writing man. You are dope!

FantasyFootballGuru said...

My dad was messed up also man. If I start a support group you are definitely invited.

shinjyo said...

You have my co-workers tearing up over here.

Bob Smith said...

I know that people say this all the time but you are a amazing writer. Please get paid full time for writing man you have a gift.

cera said...

wow hc! you are an incredibly deep individual. one minute you have me crackin up laughin my ass off, the next im bawlin like a lil bitch. the depth of your writing sends me on an emotional roller coaster. keep it up killer!

aplomb said...

Man, what a way to start off Monday Morning...Those heartbreaks are ones you just can't bounce back from...Thanks for sharing!

Amadeo said...

The worst Heartbreaks are not spawned from romantic love.

brooklyn babe said...

Oh dayum Ike, not on a Monday, you know Tina gotta sing @ the club, and you get all upset when my mascara runs.

Thanks for sharing babes, here playing catch up.
And those two people were lucky to have you in their lives when they needed you most. You're Loved!
As for your Dad, you know they say, pride goes before a fall, I'm sure he saw a lot of him, in you.
Peace

brooklyn babe said...

@ totolehero.... Ike you better let her know, Tina got something for her to hold aiiiigggghhhhttt!
*wink* (slides item back in mouth.. j/k, i'm lover, fighter is just my part time hussle, lol)

CaffeineDiva said...

That's just great asshole, make me cry when I just ran out of tissues!
Damn... you want a hug?
Heartbreaking is kind of an understatement huh?

kathi said...

Can't think of anything to say that wouldn't be an understatement. Thanks for sharing.

totolehero said...

@brooklyn babe..
i don't think i understand your comment to me...

Nia said...

That's some real shit. You have enough people offering you hugs, so I offer my respect. Because I'm sure a lot of other men wouldn't have come out of the other end of that still having compassion and respect.

Arriet Till said...

Sometimes their is something in a person that reminds you of what you don't like about yourself. Even when you realize that is why you are treating someone wrong it can be hard to stop and treat them right.

Sometimes you live your childhood saying what you won't do when you have kids and you end up doing those things anyways cause that's all you know.

Chele said...

I want to leave my mark because your words affected me, but I am speechless. If my dad did me like that I think I'd be an "asshole" too.

piranha said...

HC, i know the whole laughing to prevent from crying thing. the pain actually goes even deeper when you don t release it with tears....I am so sincerely sorry to hear what happened to Stella. this is a real heartbreak. and it makes me understand that even I would become violent in such a situation
. i am all into peace and anti violence and all that stuff but as soon as it comes down to a person you love this way, you can t help it really but to feel it.

your father must have had issues himself. big issues. generosity of heart is something very fragile.........
love!
piranha

mrblackromantic said...

I hope that the men responsible for Stella's death only find peace when they are left in pieces...

I still haven't come to terms with my old man but I'm glad you can talk about... maybe one day I will too.

brooklyn babe said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
brooklyn babe said...

@ HC can you set your girl straight... *wink* lol

msjaim said...

Here's a cyber hug man!!... Unfortunately I overstand what u speak of when having ur heart just fucking crushed!!!Not just w/ romantic love bcuz eventually( hopefully anyway) we all get over that. I had a cousin who was murdered down in Fl LAst yr.. he would have turned 20 on 8/30.. I was a second away from flying down there & participating in the "offing" of the individuals who did this b4 they were captured... Just some heart wrenching shit!....The father thing(but w/ my momma).. I overstand that too.. but Ill save that for my own blog :).. Lets pool our resources & get some group therapy yall.. BTW.. blogging is theraputic anyway!!!

msjaim said...

Im just tripping though.. being the product of a parent who was verbally abusive.. I vow(ed) to never speak/belittle my kids(once I have some)like I was It is possible to stop the cycle!!!

smallislandgirl said...

Had to put in my two cents and tell you thanks for sharing this you have a rich life.

Safire said...

I haven't been to the blog in a while, and that post made me glad I dropped in. That shit was real, brutal, but real. I felt it.

Anonymous said...

wow, I thought let me drop in for a good laugh and now I'm crying, that was deep man.

Inside Man said...

I'm always amazed at how much you are willing to share of yourself. Great blog, that was from the heart.......

Anonymous said...

cliche but we need to own our own record labels and penetrate pop culture to the point that the generations upcoming represent themselves as one human body.
next remove religion. it is simply a means to brainwash the masses especially stupid ass white folks (the ones who even white people call stupid fucks) who dont know shit and will never know shit.
the world hasn't changed for shit since the days of alexander the great and the sick ass greeks. however before that the original man in africa had a system of trade that ranged many continents on a peaceful buzz (to a degree). now it is the age of caucaian world domination but have no fear for once we pass on and turn to dust mankind will identify more dominant races until the term 'race' is no longer recognised and difference between humans. my estimate 4000 AD minimum. see you then, peace from new zealand

Butta said...

Wow, HC. I don't even know what to say. When I started reading I kinda knew that the Stella story wouldn't have a happy ending but I didn't know it was going to be that ending. My God. My heart goes out to you experiencing such profound loss.

Butta

mai said...

yeah. kinda like when my mom told me age 12 that she wanted a boy.

sorry, mom. can't help you there.

but i don't even know what to tell you about Stella. what goes through people's minds when folks do crazy shit like that, i will never understand. just evil, for no reason at all.

but i knew you had a heart in there somewhere.

you'll be aight, baby, i just know it.

rhein said...

"full blow attention whore" (smiling), i'm like the EXACT opposite.

Mark Schannon said...

You dropped in on my blog & left a nice comment, so I thought I'd check yours out. A mite different, eh?

Your comments about your relationship with your father are heartbreaking.

I also had problems with my father for years, although, at the end, we resolved most of them. I think one of the hardest thing for kids to do is make the distinction between crazy parents and themselves...to see the problem as "their's", not yours. If you can do that, you win--if not, you're trapped.

Just from that one post, it's clear that your father's the asshole--not you. The challenge, once you're beyond childhood, is to erase all the negative tapes he laid down. Otherwise, you're never free--all your actions are merely reactions to what tape is playing. Good luck, man!

Guessaurus said...

Wow HC - you know what? You are brave for sharing that, and this here is my respect to you! I will echo most of the people above in wishing you the best as you deal with those heartbreaks - oh, and an e-hug too!

Jomama said...

Those two stories were so sad. I kinda wish I hadn't read the first one because the thought of someone being that inhumane breaks my heart too.

I'm sorry for your heartbreaks.

*Big Hug*

Rowan said...

wow! I can only hope to match your level of ability at story telling, fact or fiction, you have the gift. I am currently writing a book about my own life, which I think is truly colourful at the least and interesting at best, but I wish I had your talents as you made me feel a part of what you must have felt. I have still put off writing my feelings about my own parents' deaths...maybe your inspiration has helped.

introspectre said...

Oh, baby. There's nothing I can say. Just know my heart is broken for you.

~sigh~

feels good b n FREE said...

you'll be a wonderful dad...
thank him for teaching you what NOt to do.
much luv to you

Brother OMi said...

damn dude. thats rough..
man, i feel you. all my life i wanted my father's affection and still ain't get it. i feel you man

ManNMotion said...

That's deep about Stella, I feel your pain on that one. Big time.

Starla Spaulding said...

Stella sounded like she was a great lady. I was stunned to read how her life ended. There's a special hell for those murders. Vengence is mine sayeth the Lord.

In some ways your dad sounds similar to mine. It says alot that you were able to rise above what he pulled in the hospital room with your family there.

lady in satin said...

I love reading your blog because you are so real and so raw. You spill your guts and don't care what people think about you, or how they see you as a person, and I admire that. I've had issues with my mom, so I can totally relate to you and your issues with your dad. But for me, its hard to talk about, so most of the time, I keep it to myself. However, I will say this. Don't let what happened to you as a child control who you are as an adult. Realize that what you were looking for from your father, that need will never be fulfilled. So don't look to fulfill it. I had to learn that the hard way...because like I said, I've been through some major shit with my mother. But I'm pretty sure you already know all of this. Goodluck with it!! It's a journey that will last a lifetime.

Stella reminds me of my Grandmother and my Great Grandmother (who both are still living by the grace of God). I love elderly people, and it breaks my heart when they are mistreated. I'm sorry that it happened to her because I know she didn't deserve it. And I'm sorry that you went through the mental anguish of losing a loved one, because I know how hard that can be. Take care, be strong, much love!