Friday, October 28, 2005

Some of my bad habits..

Call it simple idiosyncrasies or just plain bad habits, but some of the things that people do on a regular basis piss me the fuck off. If it isn't the way my brother lets out a inappropriate "Ahhhh!" after taking a drink like he had just ran a marathon and shit, or the way a friend of mine continuously says "Huh?" after every time you say something even though she heard what the fuck you said, sometimes I want to choke the living shit out of people sometimes. Being that I am pretty vocal about my irritation immediately, I thought it was time to be less of an asshole and expose some of my bad habits. Here are a few, and don't worry, I won't go into my chronic masturbation, I've touched on the subject enough.("touched on", "masturbation", hee-hee)

Knuckle Cracking: As long as I remember I have cracked my knuckles, it has to be my most severe habit to date. This has to be the habit that irritates those around me the most, making people cringe in agony as I crack my knuckles 5 at a time. Hell, I even lost a girlfriend one time because of this habit, but being that she found giving "mouth-hugs" to be disgusting, she had a rather short shelf life in the first place. Even though I'm glad that this is the only "crack" that I am addicted to, I crack other things as well, turning this habit into a full fledged way of life. Lets see, I crack my knees, neck, elbow, ankles, toes, wrists, back, and I can even make my jaw make a popping noise ever since I got punched really hard in the face one time. When people give me that same old "But you'll get arthritis" line, I brush them off with the same blind naivete that people have that think that the whole moon landing was "staged".

Talking to Myself: I've heard for many years, especially from my father, that it is fine to talk to yourself unless you start to "answer yourself", but it can be an embarrassing habit nontheless. Granted, I don't do it that often, and most of the time the dialog consists of me saying something like "Who does that motherfucker think he is talking to!!??", it can make people question your sanity. For example, a couple of years ago I was walking my dog and verbally going over a relationship situation in my life at the time. Talking to myself, I said: I wonder if I should pursue that girl or not, she said she likes me, but she just got out of a long term relationship though. Shit, but those thighs, to quote a famous leprechaun, are magically delicious. Not only that she either digs my love-making, or she is one hell of an actress, either way it is quite the ego stroke.." I thought I was alone, rambling to myself in a way that only a deranged homeless man could relate to, but I wasn't. Apparently an old lady was right behind me, walking her dog, and as soon as I turned around she said, "You should try to pursue that, she sounds like one hot number!!" Yeah I was embarrassed, so now when I am caught talking to myself I act like I have a cell phone ear piece in, even though I know people don't buy my wack theatrics.

My Potty-mouth: I love curse words, to the point that I incorporate them in my every day vernacular. Some people say that using excessive curse words just exposes the fact that a person has a limited vocabulary, and using said words is the only way that they can accurately express themselves. Well, Fuck those motherfuckers, that's what I say. But really, I am secure with my vocabulary and only use swear words as sort of a "seasoning" to my daily diatribes. This is indeed a bad habit, but not one that I am concerned about in the slightest, but when I say I have a "potty mouth" I mean something totally different in this case. No, it's not some sort of fecal fetish either, just childish bathroom humor, let me explain. Ever since I was a kid, I found it funny to come out of the bathroom after going "Number 2" and saying to whomever was listening "I feel so clear now!!" Another golden oldie was when I would try and make my old man laugh by finishing my "bathroom duties"(or "dooties") and yelling something inappropriate like, "I just lost weight!!. As I got older the phrases changed like my quoting Ice Cube and saying, "Comin' out, feeling about, 10 pounds lighter!!" or "I just saw the "browns" in the "Superbowl". I know, childish, and not really one to endear me to the opposite sex, but I am the same guy who currently rides a skateboard and who's favorite movie is "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory", so I guess you have to consider the source.

My Big Mouth: Like the chronic masturbator who once accidentally used super glue instead on hand lotion, it is extremely hard for me to let some shit go. For example, I was in a restaurant where this woman was praising Mariah Carey for her being an "innovator" by having the "first hip hop and R&B collaboration" with the ODB. Outraged, and somewhat drunk, I said "How about Jody Watley and Rakim with the song "Friends", you shithead?? Yeah, I should have just let their public inaccuracy go, and the fact that I was on a first date with someone didn't help things. Or the local radio personality and the way I questioned her sanity, her intelligence, and her sobriety after she had the nerve to claim that "John Legend outsang Stevie Wonder" during a performance that they gave. I pointed out that beside the fact that John Legend doesn't have the muscle fibers to carry Stevie Wonder's jockstrap on his best day, but also that Stevie is a very unselfish performer who will scale down his own performance to give the other person some shine. I think the conversation ended on me calling her a "Clear-Channel puppet", a "douchebag" and that she should resign as soon as possible because her "incompetence was embarrassing". I know, it wasn't that serious, but I felt better though.

Flipping my Hair: Growing dreadlocks for more than 10 years has left me looking, in the eyes of some, like a "black Rapunzel", "black Jesus", or a "Chubby black bastard who is in desperate need of a haircut". I put it in a pony tail sometimes, or I have some girl that I know put them in a sort of braided pony tail, but for the most part I leave them dangling in the wind. Leaving them like that causes me to do something that is not in the least bit masculine, flip my hair. I mean, not only do I do it with my hand, making me look like one of "Charlies Angels" circa 1977, but I also do it with the whip of my neck which looks uber feminine. I don't do it on purpose, it is like a reflex, but when people see it they usually give me a "He obviously doesn't know how gay that looks" face. This one time I was helping my brother carry some huge engines at my fathers old auto repair shop before we closed it down, and I grabbed something heavy by myself forcing my mother to say, "Look at my strong baby boy, looking like a real man!!" Well, right when she said that I did my feminine "hair whip" and she said, "..that was until you did that, Farah Fawcett!!"

38 comments:

CaffeineDiva said...

diggity damn, I'm turning red trying not to laugh since I'm at work. Go Farrah, go Farrah!
I do the hair flip too, which makes my friends say stupid shit like, Damn, you sure you're not white!
good post Fucker!

BTW, I love my potty mouth too... tried to change it, didn't feel right. And I KNOW I have a wonderful vocabulary!

ManNMotion said...

Never thought I'd see the term "uber feminine" on this blog...what is the world coming to?

glory said...

pissy drawers and farrah fawcett - yo your mom is hilarious!

(whatchu say about my mama)

totolehero said...

"i dropped the kids at the pool" is my nes fav expression!!

indigo said...

other than the potty mouth i think i have all of these qualities. lol.

Quest4love said...

LMAO @ ya mama calling you Farrah Fawcett

Rhapsody Diva said...

It's funny, I crack my knuckles but can't stand to hear other folks do it. It irks me to no end.

And that Farrah Fawcett comment is hilarious.

chele said...

HC - "mouth hugs"? Dang. Funny post (as usual). I like the tidbits you drop about your mom -- sounds like you inherited her sense of humor.

Andrea said...

damn but I love your mom!

Haley said...

Yeah I'm glad you could relate to my post! Black dread locks? Nice. I love dread locks..makes me think..mysterious, yet layed back and easy going.

Haley

lady in satin said...

Haha! I don't mind knuckle-cracking! I heard that is not only will cause arthritis, but it makes your knuckles bigger!

I don't know what my annoying habits are. Maybe I don't have any! =)

Rachel said...

Damn, you and I have almost identical bad habits--I'm with you on all but the knuckles.

Chele said...

*rubbing & patting HC on his back* let it out baby. It's okay. lol

GC (God's Child) said...

the sound from cracking your knuckles is, they say, the result of the breaking of air pockets in the sinovial fluid between bones.

ever notice how stiff and useless your hands become when you don't crack your knuckles? I can crack my chest right where my ribs meet in the middle.

Chubby Chocolate said...

I am fying over here...My (twin) brother and I say the SAME thing when we blow up the toilet...Comin' out feelin' about 10 pounds lighta...Classic material.

Rose said...

I talk to myself when people piss me off like if I am in a car and somebody cuts in front of me...rather than road rage...I have a whole conversation about the stupid MF. I used to crack my knuckles and I loved it. Want to crack them now but my father swears that makes your hands fat and your knuckles big. Who wants to be a cute girl with monster hands? You are funny!

piranha said...

your mom sounds so cool HC,say hello to her, i like her.

i also enjoy talking to myself, you know, at times things just look different when you actually say them instead of only thinking them.
i use my cellphone sometimes to have fake conversations when i am bored or want to show off in front of a cute guy. whacky tactics, i know, especially because it is so unproductive.
the potty mouth thin....people say it is not feminine to have one but hell, i give a fuck! really! i enjoy laughing so here we go.......at times i offend people without noticing it in the first moment, so i am aware of a problem with that but i can't really change my personality can i

Funkee said...

"..that was until you did that, Farah Fawcett!!"

*dead*

I talk to myself too..you're not alone. Now listen honey, I have shoulder length hair and I am FEMALE and don't flip my hair LOL! *raised brow*

Dr. Deborah Serani said...

Too funny.

~Deb

Coffey0072 said...

Hmm...
This makes me ponder some of my own idiosyncratic behaviour.
Anyway, you'll be fine with the knuckle cracking. Studies have shown that nothing happens from knuckle-cracking. Nut cracking is a different matter, however.
Um, cursing makes the fucking world go 'round, hello. Shit. Sonso'bitches need to recognize.
And you maaaay want to try to get a handle on that hair tossing. Es Muy Buffyesque.

Inside Man said...

"...I just saw the browns in the superbowl" is hillarious.

Brownsoul said...

hilarious....just plain hilarious!

Knockout Zed said...

My locs has gotta be much shorter than yours (only 3 years of growth), but damn if doesn't get in my face and I have to flip that shit. I hate it. I gotta cash in "manhood" chips and shit. Especially during sex.

KZ

David said...

HC, your bathroom memories reminded me of the kids in my sixth grade class. I don't know what their mommas were feeding those children, but it seemed like somebody was always farting! What was worse was the invariable fascination with finding out who did it. The farter would usually not stand up and take a bow. Rather, there would be a chorus of accusations and finger pointing. One child would point to another and say, "You pootie?" The other would respond with, "Your momma pooted!" This might be returned by, "Yo greezy greezy granny pooted!!" Eventually, a "pooter" (usually an innocent) would be singled out and acclaimed for his or her alleged nastiness. I wouldn't even care to imagine what some of those former poot patrollers are up to today!

Are you sure that girl in the picture is flipping her hair? It looks like she is practicing her "mouth hugging" technique to me! :)

***Double_Oh_No*** said...

You sound so damn hot...uh, minus the F.F. image. *shiver*

hehe...

Love said...

my bad habit is that i make that throat scratching sound. I also i like to talk to myself in the mirror. i run through scenarios like a mad woman and come to a resolution. but i dont answer myself. just talking out loud

Melle Mel said...

You are hilarious! I totally feel you on the potty mouth thing - I'm working on that one, it's been my new years resolution for the past 5 years.

Quel said...

My bad habit...I pick my nose. Is that a bad habit? If I'm somewhere and can't get a piece of tissue or something, I collect them in my hand until I find some.

**RPM** said...

You know what I hate? When guys go, "huh?" like we don't know it's the universal word for...

"Oh shit, she's onto me. Better come up with another reply."

miyna said...

you know, Farrah, that hair flip is handy as hell!

nothing wrong with curse words, as long as you know when to say them!

Kathryn said...

You would hate me because I always say "huh" when someone asks me a question. That is THE clue that you have caught me doing something, you have asked me something I care not to answer, or I am hoping you will get split second amnesia and change the subject. And potty mouth can be used to your advantage...nobody messes with me once I get to cursing, lol.

Sparkling said...

Knockle-cracking, swearing potty mouth, flipping his hair... gives a whole new meaning to HC

Serial_Dater said...

I think I love the way this guy thinks. And I mean that in the non "Queer As Folk" kinda way. lol

My number one bad habit is my facial expressions. I don't have a poker face and unfortunately I have a serious tendancy to look at people like they're complete retards or they have another head growing out of their neck.

I also have a bad habit of repeating stories to people. I guess I'm starting to loose at 35. ;o)

paco said...

LMAO the last sentence had me rolling at work...

anyway, i just wanted to say when somebody tells u that cracking ur knuckles is gonna give u arthritis... give them a nice big fuck you because that is a complete and total lie. When you crack you crack your just decresing pressure between ur joints... (dont know if u knew dat already but thought i'd point it out)

and i make comments when I leave the bathroom too!! glad im not alone on dat one

msjaim said...

funny as hell as usual.. u seem like a male version of myself which is scarry.. I have all of those habits( I think I had carpul(sp) tunnel syndrome, but anyway).. Ive been cussing since I can remember. my pops is a vietnam vet and every other word is/was mf, so it was only natural that I picked it up...imagine a sweet lil yella girl w/ chubby cheeks and a big forehead cussing out lil boys who threw rocks @ her in her yard.. that was I( I think I made my daddy proud that day) I try not to cuss around kiddies too much though.. with the hair whipping.. I overstand that as well man.. I had locs for five yrs( i cut them working on a 2nd set now).. I used to do what I called loc aided dancing..lol. it was some sexy shit though.. I had to learn how to dance differently when i cut my locs.. great post man!

VAN007 said...

ummm...yeah.... I'm taking notes.... Willie Wonka and hair flipping. Ha!!!

Brother OMi said...

hey
Jesus is black...

ChiChi10 said...

I do 3 out of 5.

But my potty mouth is great, IMO. LOL

Nothing like a bitch or muthafucka to give a sentence more...oomph!