Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Ask HumanityCritic..

For the life of me, I would think that the last thing people would do after reading this blog for more than a few moments is to seek my advice about anything. I'm the same guy who not only angered a priest so much that he called me a "motherfucker", I also got back at an ex-girlfriend by treating her sister like a bowling ball and filling all three holes, and I can't forget about the time that I assaulted a handicapped gentlemen in a wheel chair by tipping his chair over and kicking his legs like they had any life to them, the mere fact that people still come to me with questions is nothing sort of astonishing. But they do, so I will now attempt to answer some very serious, and not so serious, questions to the best of my ability.

HumanityCritic, my wife says that I have "let myself go" since the wedding, but I always contend that she married me for me and not my stellar physique. What do you think?

You're asking me what I think? A guy who has had one girl leave him for a homeless man, and another leave me and find comfort in the arms of a vagina owner, asking me anything of the marital variety is like asking Charlie Sheen about celibacy. But you came to me with a real concern, so I will try to answer your question with the utmost seriousness. Listen, I hear many guys say "Hey, I'm married so I can stop trying now!", but its my opinion that if you follow that advice you'll constantly wonder about the sudden spaciousness of your wife's vagina and why your kid has a miraculous letter delivering prowess. I'm not saying that you have to be as ripped as Brad Pitt in "Fight Club", but try to hover around the same weight you were when you got married and try to be less of a slob, I'm sure your woman will be appreciative and fuck you more frequently.

Dear HumanityCritic, I found one of my husband's porn tapes and I was wondering, should I be mad that he needs to get gratification by seeing other women fuck? -Cheryl

I have heard many women of the feminist variety go on and on, waxing poetic about how they feel that their mate's viewing of video smut is not only an endoresment in the objectification of women, but its also a betrayal. Maybe I'm the wrong guy to answer this question, me having a library of porn that is so vast that you hear angel sounds when you open up the doors, and the fact that they are alphabetized, but it is my thinking that you would rather have your man "rubbing one out" to some harlot who's path to Hollywood took a disastrous turn than him actually fucking another woman. Shit, try watching it with him, that might spice things up. Hell, come to bed dressed as "Smurfette", and while you have his dick in your hand call your man "Beefy Smurf". Ok, ignore that last sentence, I'm trying to push my fantasies onto you.

Dear HumanityCritic, I love my fiancee to death but she has a best friend that hates my guts. I'm always very nice to her mind you, but she is always in my girls ear telling her that she shouldn't marry me and that I'm all wrong for her. What should I do?? -Gary

Gary my friend, you have come to the right guy because I have been dealing with dusty crotch having, whining malcontent-ed best friends of girlfriends since I started disappointing women with my penis. Listen, I think that you should play it cool until you get married, be very cordial to the broad to make it look like you are the level headed one and she is the stretch-marks around the lips having saboteur. Now afterwards, I suggest, make it clear to everyone with functioning eardrums that you wouldn't piss on her if she is on fire. I say this because when some friend of a girl that I'm dating hates on me for no reason, when I see her I disclose information that my girl wanted to keep top-secret like the time she let a nun go down on her, that donkey show she was a part of when she was low on cash, or the time that she had to have her stomach pumped because of a hefty "gastric deposit" after a video-taped gang-bang. Just let loose. Because then she has a reason to hate you, and your girl won't inundate you with updates on her friends life based on how much she knows you hate her. Good luck.

Dear HumanityCritic, there is an 18 year old kid in my neighborhood that keeps bullying my kids.. I feel hesitant about going to the authorities because I don't want to put another black man in jail. What should I do??

He's 18, right? Shit, if I was you I'd walk up to the young man and tell him, in a direct way, to stop bullying my kids as soon as possible. If said bullying continued, now listen carefully, I'd walk up to him and throw him a beating that he would remember for a lifetime. Hey, he's an adult now, and nothing is a better "welcome to manhood" present than a handful of jabs and a couple of well placed shell-toe Adidas' to the rib cage. Some times you just need to make an example out of motherfuckers, I bet he leaves your kids alone after that..

Dear HumanityCritic, my girl cheated on my a couple of years ago but I took her back because I love her. The problem is, no matter how good she is to me now I can't get the fact of her being with another man out of my mind. It literally haunts me. What should I do? -Troy

That's a tough one. I guess my first instinct is to tell you to possibly go to some sort of relationship counselor, sure it sounds corny, but if you love the chick like that I'm sure you would walk around in a chicken suit and ramble incoherent statements like "I invented Mash potatoes motherfucker!!" if you thought it could salvage your relationship. But I have been there my friend, a girlfriend of mine disgusted with my emotional unavailability and me randomly giving her what she affectionately described as "The Liquor dick", that she found it necessary to run into the arms of another man, albeit briefly. Then I took her back and tried to go on like nothing happened, but every time I came home late, called her mother a "whore", beat up her brother, or accidentally pissed the bed my only response was "Yeah, but you fucked another man!!" Try to save what you have bro, but if you really can't get your head around the fact that your girl put her head around another head, maybe you should let it go.


Amadeo said...

Dude you showed much more patience than I. I would have told Terry to just kick that kids ass and then suggest he stop messing with other kids...that's just me.

Peach said...

my mom handled some shit like that once. Some 20-some-odd chick kept trying to hang out with my 15 year old brother...my mom gave her one warning. the chick came to the house to drop my brother off and my mother pulled her out of the car by her hair. forget callin the police LOL

SimplEnigma said...

@Gary, chick prolly wants u for herself. If she doesn't have a justifiable reason for disliking you, then it's probably jealously. Is she single? LOL.

LOL @ some of HC's responses. Dude, you're too funny.

jameil1922 said...

i'm appalled that people ask you for advice... pause... that being said most of it was sound. gary? please ignore that shit. you will only piss off your girl if you go telling her friend's biz. you def. need to be cool right now, and after the wedding, not so much, but just bein an ass? not even worth it.