Friday, June 22, 2007
An honest talk about race, amongst friends(The Ebony and Ivory edition)
I hate to say this, but my generation is filled with a bunch of blubbering vagina's and whining malcontents, millions upon millions of weak willed motherfuckers who shy away from personal responsibility as if it were that diseased "Outbreak" monkey - or a Tyler Perry sitcom. I should know, I'm one of the aforementioned "motherfuckers". I mean, my father has been dead for more than 6 years now and I'm still blaming the man for my emotional unavailability in relationships, my distrust of anyone with a pulse, and a temper so quick that a dime-store psychic once refused to tell me my future after she touched my hand, looking down as she shook her head, simply saying "Sometimes you have to just walk away!!" Sure, I lived in a virtual state of emotional constipation based on all the times my father told me that I'd "never be shit", and the man did have the ability to go from jovial to cantankerous in a matter of moments - a mood shift so severe that it had me choosing my words as carefully as a person doing a crossword puzzle in pen, even when contemplating the most pedestrian of conversations. But at the end of the day I feel that I just have to just "nut up" as they say and be a man, I can't forget that my father had a plethora of great qualities as well - besides, having "daddy" issues at the age of 33 just isn't sexy, I already have a hard enough time getting chicks to look at my cock as it is. The last time I checked, my father had nothing with my penchant for eating macaroni and cheese off of some woman's ass-cheek, he's not responsible for me telling a handicapped man who was chatting endlessly with a bank teller, "Lets get a move on Hop-along Cassidy, talk to her about the wonderful world of prosthetic limbs on your own fucking time!!" - and my old man never said it was alright for me to call women that I'm dating "Titty's", "Gag Reflex", and "Bottomless Pit" as terms of endearment.
Besides, I have to cut the guy a little slack - my father had to be one of the most conflicted individuals that I've ever encountered in my 33 years on this earth. I've heard stories about how hard he came up, the verbal abuse disguised as tough love - I'm certain that based on the ways in which he was particularly reared, I'm sure he felt that he was taking it rather easy on me. But the guy was conflicted in other areas as well, especially when it came to white people - being raised in the deep south in the 40's and 50's tended to do that, a place where the lynching of black folks was such a regular occurrence that I actually got the feeling that he thought "Mississippi Burning" was a comedy. So he had to juggle those painful experiences with all the cool ass white guys he had known and became friends with during his 30 year military career - you could almost hear the internal conflict slowly churning inside of him, akin to hearing a washing machine struggling to operate with far too many clothes inside of it.
Thankfully, based on me being a Gen X'er and living in the suburbs for my entire life, a black man unafraid to scream from the highest mountaintops that that my crush for Janeane Garofalo is so deep that sometimes you can find me masturbating to "The Truth about Cats and Dogs" - I've never been that conflicted about race to be completely honest with you. I mean, in this day and age I'm able to be a fan of "My Name is Earl" and know a few Malcolm X speeches verbatim at the same time, argue that ones colloquialism doesn't equate to blackness and call Larry Elder a "fucking House Negro" all in the same breath - even having a card carrying member of the republican party as one of my closest friends(Danny) while believing that Ronald Reagan was a government built robot designed to destroy black people.
Ok, he wouldn't particularly care for me saying that he's a "card carrying member of the Republican party" because that's not entirely accurate - lets just say that his political stance is often on the right of mine, but I promise you, he's never masturbated to Mein Kampf. But regardless of his political ideology he's been a friend of mine for the past 22 years, he's truly a good dude - a person that I find myself having the most frankest discussions about race I've ever had with a white dude without wanting to commit a hate crime. So, based on my feeling that we all have a little bit of good old fashioned racism flowing through our veins, my childhood friend and I decided to have a very blunt conversation - one concerning our beefs with each others race.
Danny: Dude, are you really planning to put this conversation on your blog?
HumanityCritic: Of course I am, why?
Danny: It just seems risky that's all, such a blunt discussion could turn off your readership! - think about all the future ass you'd be putting in jeopardy?
HumanityCritic: This blog will never get me ass man, it's basically an online cautionary tale for women to recognize assholes quicker - full of stories of me putting ashtrays on chicks' back while receiving oral sex and examples of my sexual inadequacies. Besides, all the women who did want to touch my penis got the fuck outta dodge as soon as I posted a piece where I let my ex-girlfriends vent about how much of an asshole I was.
Danny: *Shaking head* OK, who's going first here? Shall I start?
HumanityCritic: By all means.
Danny: Alright, let me preface what I'm about to say by expressing my love for black women..
HumanityCritic: Oh shit..
Danny: ..you know how much I adore your mother and..
HumanityCritic: ..just say it man!
Danny: Let me finish motherfucker!! Like I was saying, I'm sure the scores of black women who read your blog are delightful human beings and in no does what I'm about to say apply to them
HumanityCritic: Jesus Christ man..
Danny: OK, its been my experience, when walking into a mall, supermarket, convenience store, etc - that black women never hold the door for you.
HumanityCritic: Really? Maybe they didn't know that you were behind them - you do know that black women don't have periphery vision?
Danny: Huh?? Is that true??
HumanityCritic: Naw, I'm just fucking with you..
Danny: Bastard! Again, that's just my experience - OK, your turn.
HumanityCritic: Three words, "Whiteboy Walking Distance"
Danny: Here we go, please explain to the good people what you are referring to.
HumanityCritic: White folks, i.e you, who act so cavalierly about walking to the furthest distances imaginable - like that time we were shit-faced drunk on Gramby street and you wanted to walk to waterside.
Danny: It was right across the street for Christs sake!
HumanityCritic: Sure, in a car it's a three minute drive, but black folks can convert driving time into walking time faster than "Rain Man" and shit - that was a 15 minute walk while intoxicated, fuck that! "Whiteboy Walking Distance"!!
Danny: Ok, why is it that when you let a black person across the street they just take their sweet old time - you could basically time their speed with a fucking sun-dial.
HumanityCritic: ..but aren't all people like that?
Danny: No offense, but I get the feeling that its more prevalent in melanin owners.
HumanityCritic: Fair enough. How about all the white people I've seen over the past 30 years walk into business establishments without any fucking shoes on? What's that about?
Danny:(Looking down) I have no idea what you're talking about?
HumanityCritic: Come on now..
Danny: (throwing up his hands)I don't know why some white people do that, the same way you can't figure out why some black folks like Cam'ron or T-Pain!
HumanityCritic: You've been reading my blog haven't you?
Danny: Of course, I have no fucking idea who those people are. But really, what's up with dudes trying to be so cool that they look like their car seat is swallowing them whole? Sometime I have to do a double-take to see if a god-damned toddler is driving an automobile!!
HumanityCritic: How about how some white folks always want to hug up on you when they get drunk?
Danny: ..the cold stares that urban look give me when I drive by..
HumanityCritic: (giggles) Urban Youth? We live in Kempsville, home of Pat Robertson and Missy Elliot!!
Danny: You know what I meant!! By the way, what's up with black men's fascination with phat asses?
HumanityCritic:(in a stern voice) Danny..
HumanityCritic: Come on now, what's you favorite site?
HumanityCritic: That's right, you like a plump posterior as much as the next black guy.
Danny: "Even white boys got to shout!!"