Friday, June 22, 2007

An honest talk about race, amongst friends(The Ebony and Ivory edition)

I hate to say this, but my generation is filled with a bunch of blubbering vagina's and whining malcontents, millions upon millions of weak willed motherfuckers who shy away from personal responsibility as if it were that diseased "Outbreak" monkey - or a Tyler Perry sitcom. I should know, I'm one of the aforementioned "motherfuckers". I mean, my father has been dead for more than 6 years now and I'm still blaming the man for my emotional unavailability in relationships, my distrust of anyone with a pulse, and a temper so quick that a dime-store psychic once refused to tell me my future after she touched my hand, looking down as she shook her head, simply saying "Sometimes you have to just walk away!!" Sure, I lived in a virtual state of emotional constipation based on all the times my father told me that I'd "never be shit", and the man did have the ability to go from jovial to cantankerous in a matter of moments - a mood shift so severe that it had me choosing my words as carefully as a person doing a crossword puzzle in pen, even when contemplating the most pedestrian of conversations. But at the end of the day I feel that I just have to just "nut up" as they say and be a man, I can't forget that my father had a plethora of great qualities as well - besides, having "daddy" issues at the age of 33 just isn't sexy, I already have a hard enough time getting chicks to look at my cock as it is. The last time I checked, my father had nothing with my penchant for eating macaroni and cheese off of some woman's ass-cheek, he's not responsible for me telling a handicapped man who was chatting endlessly with a bank teller, "Lets get a move on Hop-along Cassidy, talk to her about the wonderful world of prosthetic limbs on your own fucking time!!" - and my old man never said it was alright for me to call women that I'm dating "Titty's", "Gag Reflex", and "Bottomless Pit" as terms of endearment.

Besides, I have to cut the guy a little slack - my father had to be one of the most conflicted individuals that I've ever encountered in my 33 years on this earth. I've heard stories about how hard he came up, the verbal abuse disguised as tough love - I'm certain that based on the ways in which he was particularly reared, I'm sure he felt that he was taking it rather easy on me. But the guy was conflicted in other areas as well, especially when it came to white people - being raised in the deep south in the 40's and 50's tended to do that, a place where the lynching of black folks was such a regular occurrence that I actually got the feeling that he thought "Mississippi Burning" was a comedy. So he had to juggle those painful experiences with all the cool ass white guys he had known and became friends with during his 30 year military career - you could almost hear the internal conflict slowly churning inside of him, akin to hearing a washing machine struggling to operate with far too many clothes inside of it.

Thankfully, based on me being a Gen X'er and living in the suburbs for my entire life, a black man unafraid to scream from the highest mountaintops that that my crush for Janeane Garofalo is so deep that sometimes you can find me masturbating to "The Truth about Cats and Dogs" - I've never been that conflicted about race to be completely honest with you. I mean, in this day and age I'm able to be a fan of "My Name is Earl" and know a few Malcolm X speeches verbatim at the same time, argue that ones colloquialism doesn't equate to blackness and call Larry Elder a "fucking House Negro" all in the same breath - even having a card carrying member of the republican party as one of my closest friends(Danny) while believing that Ronald Reagan was a government built robot designed to destroy black people.

Ok, he wouldn't particularly care for me saying that he's a "card carrying member of the Republican party" because that's not entirely accurate - lets just say that his political stance is often on the right of mine, but I promise you, he's never masturbated to Mein Kampf. But regardless of his political ideology he's been a friend of mine for the past 22 years, he's truly a good dude - a person that I find myself having the most frankest discussions about race I've ever had with a white dude without wanting to commit a hate crime. So, based on my feeling that we all have a little bit of good old fashioned racism flowing through our veins, my childhood friend and I decided to have a very blunt conversation - one concerning our beefs with each others race.

Danny: Dude, are you really planning to put this conversation on your blog?

HumanityCritic: Of course I am, why?

Danny: It just seems risky that's all, such a blunt discussion could turn off your readership! - think about all the future ass you'd be putting in jeopardy?

HumanityCritic: This blog will never get me ass man, it's basically an online cautionary tale for women to recognize assholes quicker - full of stories of me putting ashtrays on chicks' back while receiving oral sex and examples of my sexual inadequacies. Besides, all the women who did want to touch my penis got the fuck outta dodge as soon as I posted a piece where I let my ex-girlfriends vent about how much of an asshole I was.

Danny: *Shaking head* OK, who's going first here? Shall I start?

HumanityCritic: By all means.

Danny: Alright, let me preface what I'm about to say by expressing my love for black women..

HumanityCritic: Oh shit..

Danny: know how much I adore your mother and..

HumanityCritic: ..just say it man!

Danny: Let me finish motherfucker!! Like I was saying, I'm sure the scores of black women who read your blog are delightful human beings and in no does what I'm about to say apply to them

HumanityCritic: Jesus Christ man..

Danny: OK, its been my experience, when walking into a mall, supermarket, convenience store, etc - that black women never hold the door for you.

HumanityCritic: Really? Maybe they didn't know that you were behind them - you do know that black women don't have periphery vision?

Danny: Huh?? Is that true??

HumanityCritic: Naw, I'm just fucking with you..

Danny: Bastard! Again, that's just my experience - OK, your turn.

HumanityCritic: Three words, "Whiteboy Walking Distance"

Danny: Here we go, please explain to the good people what you are referring to.

HumanityCritic: White folks, i.e you, who act so cavalierly about walking to the furthest distances imaginable - like that time we were shit-faced drunk on Gramby street and you wanted to walk to waterside.

Danny: It was right across the street for Christs sake!

HumanityCritic: Sure, in a car it's a three minute drive, but black folks can convert driving time into walking time faster than "Rain Man" and shit - that was a 15 minute walk while intoxicated, fuck that! "Whiteboy Walking Distance"!!

Danny: Ok, why is it that when you let a black person across the street they just take their sweet old time - you could basically time their speed with a fucking sun-dial.

HumanityCritic: ..but aren't all people like that?

Danny: No offense, but I get the feeling that its more prevalent in melanin owners.

HumanityCritic: Fair enough. How about all the white people I've seen over the past 30 years walk into business establishments without any fucking shoes on? What's that about?

Danny:(Looking down) I have no idea what you're talking about?

HumanityCritic: Come on now..

Danny: (throwing up his hands)I don't know why some white people do that, the same way you can't figure out why some black folks like Cam'ron or T-Pain!

HumanityCritic: You've been reading my blog haven't you?

Danny: Of course, I have no fucking idea who those people are. But really, what's up with dudes trying to be so cool that they look like their car seat is swallowing them whole? Sometime I have to do a double-take to see if a god-damned toddler is driving an automobile!!

HumanityCritic: How about how some white folks always want to hug up on you when they get drunk?

Danny: ..the cold stares that urban look give me when I drive by..

HumanityCritic: (giggles) Urban Youth? We live in Kempsville, home of Pat Robertson and Missy Elliot!!

Danny: You know what I meant!! By the way, what's up with black men's fascination with phat asses?

HumanityCritic:(in a stern voice) Danny..

Danny: What?

HumanityCritic: Come on now, what's you favorite site?


HumanityCritic: That's right, you like a plump posterior as much as the next black guy.

Danny: "Even white boys got to shout!!"


GG said...

I've always liked Danny.


Peach said...

oh damn. the last line slayed me.

Stucco said...

I may be the shoeless white boy, although I don't normally go into stores barefoot. You know these hideous ugly Crocs shoes that are (fashionable?) in some places? I love those damned things.

I don't know why I hate shoes so much.

goldiilocs said...

I didn't know I was supposed to 'hold' a door open for white men *puzzled*....unless he just means in general....i think its a nice gesture if people in general hold the door open for me, but I don't really care if they don't, and don't attribute it to race...

Matt said...

Great post man, if more people were honest with each other we'd be in a better place. Also, I don't think that Danny was implying that its black women's responsibility to hold doors for white men *not puzzled in the least*... but that was just his personal experience.

ian/thoreauly77 said...

ooooohhhh shit. that door opening bit was fucking hilarious because when leaving my black studies class last quarter, there were two doors, and when i would open the first one for a black girl, she would let the next one slam right in my face! this happened so many times with so many different black girls that i actually wondered about it myself. what's up with that? and a lot of white peoples think it's cool or hippy-ish to go sans chanclas, but i have a lot of black boho friends that are willing to do the same thing, so who knows?

Humanity Critic- bringing the races together, one post at a time.

oh and i put you on my blogroll --- i hope that's cool with you.

Sam said...

I thought I was the only one who had Garafolo/"Cats and Dogs" thing goin'. People don't get that shit. She is Geek FINE in my book.

Damn, Critic. DAMN.

Ms. Blaize said...

I'm alittle confused about that holding the door open thing but I guess I'll have to pay attention to others next time.

As for myself, I hold the door open for just about anybody. If I can see their shadow then they're close enough to get the door held for them.

I even go so far as to look a man in the eye and say "thank you" when he holds the door for me because I have seen plenty 2 legged cannines who will know I'm right behind them but they'll let the door go in my face. Still, I do all of this and *gasp* I'm very much a female and believe me when I tell you that I am totally chocolatey goodness! LOL!!!

I just didn't know that I was in the minority about this.

~ Jaine Blaize

JustMeWriting said...

DAG... I had SOOO much to say about all that, but lost every thought...LOL, but I did laugh a lot...I'll spear you any serious commentary (THIS TIME)

bfnh. said...

fantastic. danny's "black women holding the door" comment has reminded me of one of the things i hate most on this planet -- "THE LOOKAWAY."

THE LOOKAWAY is prevalent amongst white women at the mall. because there is no other side of "the street" to escape to while avoiding a scary black man, white women will make split-second eye contact at approximately 20 yards distance, then execute THE LOOKAWAY (in which they refuse to make eye contact again, yet continue along their same collision imminent path) which will lead to actual physical contact between you and her.

when in college, i typically dipped shoulder first to place my rugged jansport betwixt the offending fem's breasticles, but, as a suburban backpackerless adult, i frustratingly lean back to avoid contact.

so, at what age do white women teach their daughters THE LOOKAWAY, and is it around the same time that they learn to carry scrunchies for emergency he-could-turn-pro sessions of mouth love?

lynngnews said...

"who act so cavalierly about walking to the furthest distances imaginable"

But, that's my husband's complaint about my choice of parking spaces :-).

"How about how some white folks always want to hug up on you when they get drunk?"

Are these women or men?


What I love is out of all the other posts, you decide to leave a comment on the "teacup" post. You have started something. I want to start a conversation with my one and only real white girlfriend to see where it ends. This was a great post.

Hostess said...

I don't drop doors. It's rude. But what's up with whites talking so damned close?? What's up with the whites telling all their personal business to anyone who will listes--AT WORK?

Also, the shoe things with whites, does it start as babies??? I see so many of them let their babies go barefoot so it's not wonder when they grow up and don't want to wear shoes.

lynngnews said...

What are scrunchies? Are women actually sticking those things for putting hair in pony tails in their mouths if they see a kiss coming?

I see so many of them let their babies go barefoot so it's not wonder when they grow up and don't want to wear shoes.

Well, white people toughen their children's feet up by making them carry the sailboats down to the shore barefoot over the mussel beds :-).

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