Friday, November 30, 2007

Another Edition of "HumanityCritic's Asshole moments"

For most of you, my asshole antics are probably nothing more than just some rotund degenerate perpetrating tactless acts just for the sake of humoring himself(wiping my genitals on a woman's curtains after sex, rolling a wheelchair-bound man into traffic) - and sure that's part of it, but mostly its just an average black fellow's journey, trying to figure out the meaning of life while pissing people the fuck off.(Imagine David Carradine's character in "Kung-Fu" if he was black and had a thyroid problem.) Ever since my grandmother fell down our family's steps and I desperately fought back laughter as I helped her to her feet, with my father curiously looking at his 10 year old son while saying "You really are a cocksucker, you know that?" - I knew exactly what path I'd take for the rest of my life, a hostile roadway where random passers-by welcomed me with affectionate "you motherfucking asshole!!" greetings. My mother learned that her baby boy was destined to live the life of a scumbag way before that, based on a few minor incidents in kindergarten where I tried to choke a kid to death with my nap blanket, and another time when I proceeded to urinate on another child after I hit him in the face with my lunch tray - a story that my mother has felt compelled to tell any woman that I happen to date for more than a four month period. Damn some things never change.

Hillary Clinton: Whenever I fix my lips to say anything negative about the musical group the "Clipse", I'm sure that the average reader chalks up my disdain for those brothers as nothing more than simple "hometown" envy - mistaking me for one of those "crab in the bucket" ass Negroes who verbally undermines the positive steps that anyone born with melanin takes. Believe it or not, nothing could be further from the truth, sure I'd love to be able to pelvically penetrate the vaginal reinforcements of women way above my respective pay-grade - but that's where the bitter envy ends, I sincerely wish those brothers all the best. That being said, like tongue kissing a woman after an orgy - ever since they laughably suggested that my city(Virginia beach) was the epitome of urban decay where the dope dealer reigns supreme, I always get a bad taste in my mouth whenever I hear one of their records. Respectfully, Virginia Beach is much worse but for different reasons - this is the land of Pat Robertson where people are so socially retarded that they almost elected a man with ties to the clan to the senate - sometimes I think that I'd prefer the Clipse's fictitious version of my hometown. I mean, I'm a small fish in a sea full of rabbid Bush supporters, I'm constantly bombarded with inbred Jed Clammpett's decorating their respective automobiles with confederate flag stickers and signs that say "No one is taking my gun away!" - so when I saw a couple with a sign in their jeep window saying "If Hillary's lips are moving, you know she's lying!" I absolutely lost it.

Granted, I'm a supporter of Obama who feels that Hillary's political positions heavily depend on the polling that particular week - but as I very carefully followed the couple home like a fucking stalker, I kept trying to figure out how any one of those empty suits on the republican side of the isle were any more truthful. So, as they pulled up into their driveway, I unfortunately rolled down my window and said the following: "Excuse me, I read your sign and all, it was cute in a "wow, my retarded child's motor skills are really improving" sort of way - but I have to say, the empty suits on the republican side don't exactly have the market cornered when it comes to honesty. Rudy? Lets talk about him using 3,000 dead americans to get him into the White House, and him fucking around on his wife on the taxpayers dime. Romney? Mitt "Big Love" Romney himself, the man has changed his positions so many times that you can't tell if he's giving a speech or reading a god-damned kama sutra chart!" Before I could even tear into the other republican candidates the wife very calmly walked to my car, opened her jacked and said "We are supporters of Barack Obama, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!" exposing her "Barack 08" pin.

Refusing to express my condolences by quoting Easy-E: Despite all my failings as a man, a malfunctioning moral barometer when it comes to physical altercations, and my penchant for being emotionally unavailable in relationships - the one uncanny characteristic that I have is being a proverbial shoulder to lean for my friends when they lose a loved one. I know how it was when my old man died, people bombarding you with tired "he's in a better place now" rhetoric that you don't want any parts of - I've learned the sophisticated art of being completely supportive while subtly playing the background. That being said, on the flip side, I simply can't muster up the energy to offer up phony condolences when a historically bad person loses their life - I don't wish death on anyone, and you'll never hear me say "I'm glad that motherfucker is dead!", but if that person happened to be a notorious bastard while they were on this earth, I privately couldn't give two shits about their untimely passing. I even make sure to quote Eazy-E concerning the person's passing, when I'm in the privacy of my own home that is. Case in point, this guy that I knew named Lee recently lost his life when he was gunned down at some house party across town - I'm sorry the guy is taking an eternal dirt-nap and all, but not only has this guy killed people(allegedly), but he was a known rapist who physically abused his children. Last week, when I was speaking with this chick named Gloria who was friendly with the recently deceased, she hit me with the standard spiel consisting of "Lee was a good man, he ain't never hurt anybody". That's when I blurted out with pinpoint accuracy, unfortunately, the words that Eazy-E made famous in the song "We're all in the Same Gang": "..But he STILL got smoked at Bey-Bey's Party!!!" She quickly moved to the other end of the bar.

Throwing someone a helpful beating: I don't know about any of you, but I'm the sort of guy who likes being corrected - sure, getting publicly shown the error of my ways can be somewhat humiliating, but at least I know to never let those factually inaccurate morsels of information escape my hairy mandible ever again. My problem is that I assume that everyone thinks like I do, so when I correct one of my friends about some historic fact that they've botched or some inconsequential Hip Hop fact - they take it as me being a insufferable prick, and not as a friend lending a helpful hand. For example, there is fellow named Richard who frequents my neighborhood bar ever so often, nice enough brother in his mid-40's - the problem occurs when he gets drunk, he gets so belligerent that he starts talking shit to people and picking fights with total strangers. He's committed hell-worthy watering-hole trespasses like talking to someones wife in front of them, shoving people, I even saw him growl at a couple of Navy guys a few months back - fortunately people have taken the high road when it comes to him and ignored him, but I have warned him that his irrational behavior is going to put him on the business end of a shiv or a bullet. You know you're fucking up when I give you advice. Two months later, after him nodding in agreement as he pretended to heed my warning, he was up to his old antics - that's when I decided to take action.

A few weeks back, as I was entering the bar and he was exiting it, he mean-mugged the shit out of me - that's when I grabbed him by his shoulders, said "I'm doing this for your own good!", and proceeded to bombard the brother with a firestorm of right and left hands as if his face was a pinata and I was trying to get sugary sweets out of it. As women rushed out of the bar and huddled around the beaten gentleman for comfort, looking at his bloody face and a visibly winded chubby writer standing over him - I looked at the ladies, shrugged and said, "Its alright, he'll thank me tomorrow!" Outside of the fact that the women yelled things at me like "You're an animal, get the fuck outta here!!", Richard stopped speaking to me and he makes sure be on the other end of the bar when I'm around(sound familiar?) - but he stopped picking fights though, I know that much.

1 comment:

jameil1922 said...

the hillary was hilarity!!!!!!!! i screamed with laughter!!! love it!! hahahahaha