A couple of weeks ago I was invited to my friend Calvin's house for a birthday party he was having for his sister. Well, it wasn't exactly a "party" it was more like a birthday gathering. The Birthday Girl in question, Karen, I have known for the better part of 16 years, through High School until now. She has always had a crush on me, always inquiring to Calvin about my whereabouts or girlfriend I might have at the time. She's a cute girl, with a shitload of intelligence, but dating her was out of the question. It wasn't a possibility for me because I value my friendship with Calvin, and the chances of me eventually being a asshole to her were pretty great. So I always tried to look at her like family, even though she doesn't view me the same way.
Anyway, I went to her "gathering" for a couple of reasons. 1) Because I knew that Calvin would have free alcohol and boy do I love free alcohol! 2) Since my boy Buddy died I felt like I've been a pretty shitty friend, so I wanted to hang out with Calvin 3) Karen is book smart but she lacks common sense.(one time she was watching videos with Calvin and I a few years ago and she said, "Look at them, you can tell they are lip-syncing!!" Then I said, "It's a video jackass!!) So she is always good for a few laughs.
I arrived at Calvin's house about 8:00. Karen was already there so I wished her a Happy Birthday and mentioned something about her ass looking delicious nowadays. She smiled, then we all(Calvin, me , Karen, and Calvin's girlfriend Jenn) proceeded to talk about everything from pop culture to politics. I hear the bathroom door open and in walks a girl that I automatically envision making amateur porn movies with. It is a pretty safe bet to say that I was probably drooling. As my saliva hit the floor like a waterfall Karen grabs my arm and says, "HumanityCritic, this is my friend Sheila." Sheila said, "hey, how are you doing?" I said, "Fine, are you a friend of Karen's?" Karen said, "I just said she was my friend Jackass!." I felt rather small, but Karen got me good.
Sheila jumped in the conversation, and that is where my amateur porn fantasies were all but a distant memory. For one thing she is married, to a drug dealer, and she brags about him being a drug dealer. Secondly, she got his name tattooed on her neck, arm and back.(When I heard this I said, "Are you his wife or cattle??) She also told me that it was her "dream" to be a video girl in a rap video.Then she was telling me why she voted for Bush, and miraculously this voluptuous sexual goddess that I had pictured in my mind suddenly turned into the neighborhood crackhead. In the end I am glad, because even though I will never date Karen, I didn't want to hurt her feelings by staring at her friend's breasts all night.( I ain't going to lie, I still took the occasional peek now and then)
Calvin gets a phone call from his brother Kevin, saying that him and his kids will be over soon. When Calvin tells Karen that their brother is on his way with his kids, Karen says, "Not those bad ass kids!!" I thought to myself that those kids couldn't be that bad, boy was I wrong. As soon as those crumb-snatching bastards walked in they hit the house like a adolescent tornado, taking out everything in sight. I sat there and politely smiled, waiting for their parents to control them. I mean, these kids were yelling, screaming, throwing things, jumping on me, doing cartwheels. I kept waiting for someone to say something, but nothing happened.
That is when I couldn't take anymore and said, "Kevin, can't you control these motherfuckers!!? Jesus man!!" Kevin said, "HumanityCritic, they're just playing".I said, "They aren't playing, that is what I call criminal mischief!" Then Kevin said, "You don't have kids so you don't understand." Right away I pointed out, "Everybody understands the universal language of "bad ass kid". You don't have to be a parent to know when a kid needs their ass beat." As I sat down and watched these kids do things that would get most adults locked up in some countries, I thought about the advantages of getting a vasectomy. No unruly kids, no discipline, no hassle. Plus, if I ever get famous and a woman that I have given horrible sex to claims that I am the father of her love child, at least I know that there is a 95 percent chance that she is full of shit.
But then I snapped out of it. Listen, I love children, I really do. But people have to understand the importance of discipline so their kid doesn't grow up to be a piece of shit, or even worse, a black republican. I don't believe in child abuse but I believe that you should start laying down the ground rules early on. Looking back, I didn't get a lot of spankings. My father would just have to mention a beating and I would straighten up, that is because he laid the groundwork early. When I am a parent, my form of discipline will be more cerebral, not just spankings.(Unless the future mother of my children wants to be "disciplined", but that is a entirely different story. Boy, do I hope that she is into that!) I am tired of seeing some unruly kid whose parents find their behavior "cute". Newsflash: That shit isn't cute, and you look like a delinquent parent for not handling your business. Lastly, I'm tired of seeing kids that know the words to a rap song and the little fucker can't spell their name. Note to parents: You don't want your kids becoming Bobby Brown..
Monday, November 22, 2004
Friday, November 19, 2004
"Do the Ladies run this motherfucker"? Hell Yeah
**Originally posted on November 19, 2004**
Because of the fact that we can't hop into a 85' Dolorean and go back in time, many of are stuck with the consequences of our actions. But in the blog world, where you can go back into your archives and go through an opinion you once had, you can see where your ideas and writing style has either progressed or regressed. Anyway, another blogger had linked this old post of mine, comparing it to the female MC's that he considers to be the best of all time. He was in no way dissing me, he had a pretty good list to be honest with you. But his post made me read this archival post again, and it sparked off an idea that I had. Like I said this is an old post, but under each entry I will comment on how my opinion has changed or strengthened over the past year. My new commentary will be in italics.
1. MC Lyte- Hands down, my favorite female rapper of all time. Ever since "Paper Thin" she has been holding it down for not only females, but for any human being that enjoys pure Mic skills. People say that there aren't any great female Mc's nowadays, and I agree, but maybe its because Lyte set the bar so fucking high. Brilliant writer, classic delivery, razor Sharp voice, and she is royalty when it comes to the diss track. She is the first female to let me know that a woman can be as good as or better than a man at anything. She was the first rapper to perform at Madison Square Garden, and she is first on my list.
I still agree with this, she was revolutionary and she had something that not many people have nowadays, good albums. I had a friend of mine blurt out all of these underground Female Mc's as his opinion of the greatest of all time. I openly reject his choices because some of them are overrated for their lyrical prowess because of the horrible shape that Hip Hop is in, and most people don't know they fucking exist. The issue of them having sub-par albums doesn't help matters. Lyte, had solid albums unlike a slew of underground female MC's. So, if you have a "underground MC's that are OK, and you might have never heard of" list, then I will listen to you.
2. Queen Latifah- The first time I heard her was on her first single "Princess of the Posse" and her performance on that track proved that she was a force to be reckoned with. Her album "All Hail the Queen" is a Hip Hop classic with some of my personal favorites like "Queen of Royal Badness", "Ladies First", and her collaboration with De la Soul called "Mama gave birth to the Soul Children". She was the first female rapper to really push Female empowerment in her lyrics. She pushed that agenda on classic albums like "Black Reign" proving her place in Hip Hop history. She has moved on to be successful in television and films, but we all know that she started with a Mic in her hand.
I still agree with this, even though she has turned into the Queen of Rap into a wanna-be Ella Fitzgerald. She held it down, providing the masses with two quality albums, always promoting a positive influence in the world of Hip Hop.
3. Lauryn Hill- Mostly known as a gifted songstress, many fans have seen her grow lyrically throughout her years spent as a member of the Fugees. In my personal opinion she would be my number one choice if rhyming was her priority, and if she had more of a catalog of Hip Hop songs to her credit. Versatile rhyme flow, unmatched vocabulary, dazzling voice, and a delivery that epitomized precision. Looking back, I can see that she carried 90% of the lyrical workload on The Fugees album "The Score". She is a great singer, but if she concentrated more on being a MC she would be the best female rapper by far.
I love Lauryn, I really do, but she can't be ranked higher than # 3 because she doesn't have one solo Hip Hop album under her belt. You can point out her verses on "Fugees" albums, guest appearances on other people's songs, mixtape rhymes, book signings, bar mitzvah's, bake sales, but until she has one CD displaying her rhyming skill where she doesn't mostly sing on it,, she can't be no higher that #3. She is kind of like a basketball player with all the skill in the world, who settles for 3 point shots instead of driving to the whole and dunking on a motherfucker. She is lyrically gifted, but she needs to see a fucking shrink and put out a god-damned Hip Hop record already!!
4. Da Brat- People will question this choice but let me explain. When the Brat's career first started many complained that she was trying too hard to be a female Snoop. But one thing was evident, even early on, that the Chicago native had a flawless delivery and rhyme skills to boot. You can question her song concepts, her image, but you can't question her skills. Out of everyone on my list, she is the only person that I know of that has impeccable freestyle skills, adding to her arsenal. She is the first solo female MC to go platinum which is quite the accomplishment. Her career has suffered, primarily because she fell victim to what many female artists are pressured to do, "sexy up" their image. But at the end of the day her skills are undenyable.
Yeah, I was bugging when I typed this, I know. I just think that Da Brat has a world of untapped lyrical skill that will never be realized because of the current state of Hip Hop, her misguided attempts to come off as sexy when all I care about are her skills, and having a midget albatross like Jermaine Dupree around her neck contributing to the wackness. A year later, she doesn't belong on this list.
5. Roxanne Shante- She is the Harriet Tubman of females in Hip Hop. Of course she isn't the first female rapper in history, but she is the first female MC that mattered. From her classic battles with UTFO, she has proven that she is fearless and commanded the utmost respect. Part of the legendary Juice Crew which included the likes of Big Daddy Kane, Kool G Rap, and Biz Markie, she wasn't any sort of "female sidekick" but she was a equal part of the crew. She is the model for what every female rapper should aspire to be.
I still agree with this choice, you can't front on Roxanne. I agree with the rest of this list as well.
6. Bahamadia- This Philadelphia bred M.C first made her mark on cameo appearances on tracks with The Roots, but she soon proved that she could rock the Mic all by herself. Like Lauryn, Bahamadia has a enormous vocabulary, excellent delivery, and a hypnotic rhyme flow. Even though she has one noteworthy album, she has proven herself worthy of being on this list because of her lyrical capabilities.
Honorable Mention
*Monie Love- Debuted on Queen Latifah's "Ladies First", this London M.C showed America that England wasn't all tea and crumpets. She displayed a quick delivery, and lyrical prowess that female rappers today would be hard pressed to deal with. The reason she isn't on my favorite list is because she had mediocre albums, and wasn't in the game very long.
*Boss- When she first came out I thought she was the best thing since sliced bread. Her song "Deeper" is still one of my personal favorites, displaying her gritty rhyme flow about street life. She was lyrical, with a aggressive rhyme style, and a take no prisoners persona. Her debut album was her only noteworthy album, after which she virtually disappeared from the hip hop scene.
*Heather B- She should win the "Most improved M.C" Award, because when she was a member of BDP she was garbage. But when she left BPD, did The Real World and waited a few years, she came back a new lyricist and made me a believer. The reason why she isn't on my favorite list because she doesn't really have any noteworthy albums, and possibly because I just didn't hear enough of her.
*Lady of Rage- She was the First Lady of Death Row Records, first showcasing her skills on Dr. Dre's "Chronic" album. She went solo and hit the world with "Afro puffs" which many people that I knew liked. She had a simple rhyme structure, but was lyrical and had a dynamic voice. She suffered from 1)Image issues that many females fall victim to 2) Lackluster production 3) She simply wasn't a priority for Dr. Dre and Death Row.
Glaring omissions? Let me explain.
Salt & Pepper- They were a legendary group, no doubt about that. But the sheer fact that Herbie Lovebug wrote their lyrics disqualifies them from my list. I love you ladies, but Sorry.
Foxy Brown- She is just "ok" to me, but I find her rather boring. Not only that, she doesn't have any songs that I would personally recommend. How many times can you rap about being a female thug who loves money??
LiL Kim-How do I hate thee, let me count the ways..But seriously, she is automatically disqualified because she hardly writes her own lyrics. She doesn't have any songs that stick with me, and she is basically all image. This is going to sound weird coming from me, being that I love porn and other filth more than the next guy, but I feel that her raunchy image hurts females who want to gain respect because of their skills. Again, how many times can you rap about getting money for sex, Versache, and your Vagina??
Eve- I think eve is legitimate, she just bores the piss out of me. That simple.
Because of the fact that we can't hop into a 85' Dolorean and go back in time, many of are stuck with the consequences of our actions. But in the blog world, where you can go back into your archives and go through an opinion you once had, you can see where your ideas and writing style has either progressed or regressed. Anyway, another blogger had linked this old post of mine, comparing it to the female MC's that he considers to be the best of all time. He was in no way dissing me, he had a pretty good list to be honest with you. But his post made me read this archival post again, and it sparked off an idea that I had. Like I said this is an old post, but under each entry I will comment on how my opinion has changed or strengthened over the past year. My new commentary will be in italics.
1. MC Lyte- Hands down, my favorite female rapper of all time. Ever since "Paper Thin" she has been holding it down for not only females, but for any human being that enjoys pure Mic skills. People say that there aren't any great female Mc's nowadays, and I agree, but maybe its because Lyte set the bar so fucking high. Brilliant writer, classic delivery, razor Sharp voice, and she is royalty when it comes to the diss track. She is the first female to let me know that a woman can be as good as or better than a man at anything. She was the first rapper to perform at Madison Square Garden, and she is first on my list.
I still agree with this, she was revolutionary and she had something that not many people have nowadays, good albums. I had a friend of mine blurt out all of these underground Female Mc's as his opinion of the greatest of all time. I openly reject his choices because some of them are overrated for their lyrical prowess because of the horrible shape that Hip Hop is in, and most people don't know they fucking exist. The issue of them having sub-par albums doesn't help matters. Lyte, had solid albums unlike a slew of underground female MC's. So, if you have a "underground MC's that are OK, and you might have never heard of" list, then I will listen to you.
2. Queen Latifah- The first time I heard her was on her first single "Princess of the Posse" and her performance on that track proved that she was a force to be reckoned with. Her album "All Hail the Queen" is a Hip Hop classic with some of my personal favorites like "Queen of Royal Badness", "Ladies First", and her collaboration with De la Soul called "Mama gave birth to the Soul Children". She was the first female rapper to really push Female empowerment in her lyrics. She pushed that agenda on classic albums like "Black Reign" proving her place in Hip Hop history. She has moved on to be successful in television and films, but we all know that she started with a Mic in her hand.
I still agree with this, even though she has turned into the Queen of Rap into a wanna-be Ella Fitzgerald. She held it down, providing the masses with two quality albums, always promoting a positive influence in the world of Hip Hop.
3. Lauryn Hill- Mostly known as a gifted songstress, many fans have seen her grow lyrically throughout her years spent as a member of the Fugees. In my personal opinion she would be my number one choice if rhyming was her priority, and if she had more of a catalog of Hip Hop songs to her credit. Versatile rhyme flow, unmatched vocabulary, dazzling voice, and a delivery that epitomized precision. Looking back, I can see that she carried 90% of the lyrical workload on The Fugees album "The Score". She is a great singer, but if she concentrated more on being a MC she would be the best female rapper by far.
I love Lauryn, I really do, but she can't be ranked higher than # 3 because she doesn't have one solo Hip Hop album under her belt. You can point out her verses on "Fugees" albums, guest appearances on other people's songs, mixtape rhymes, book signings, bar mitzvah's, bake sales, but until she has one CD displaying her rhyming skill where she doesn't mostly sing on it,, she can't be no higher that #3. She is kind of like a basketball player with all the skill in the world, who settles for 3 point shots instead of driving to the whole and dunking on a motherfucker. She is lyrically gifted, but she needs to see a fucking shrink and put out a god-damned Hip Hop record already!!
4. Da Brat- People will question this choice but let me explain. When the Brat's career first started many complained that she was trying too hard to be a female Snoop. But one thing was evident, even early on, that the Chicago native had a flawless delivery and rhyme skills to boot. You can question her song concepts, her image, but you can't question her skills. Out of everyone on my list, she is the only person that I know of that has impeccable freestyle skills, adding to her arsenal. She is the first solo female MC to go platinum which is quite the accomplishment. Her career has suffered, primarily because she fell victim to what many female artists are pressured to do, "sexy up" their image. But at the end of the day her skills are undenyable.
Yeah, I was bugging when I typed this, I know. I just think that Da Brat has a world of untapped lyrical skill that will never be realized because of the current state of Hip Hop, her misguided attempts to come off as sexy when all I care about are her skills, and having a midget albatross like Jermaine Dupree around her neck contributing to the wackness. A year later, she doesn't belong on this list.
5. Roxanne Shante- She is the Harriet Tubman of females in Hip Hop. Of course she isn't the first female rapper in history, but she is the first female MC that mattered. From her classic battles with UTFO, she has proven that she is fearless and commanded the utmost respect. Part of the legendary Juice Crew which included the likes of Big Daddy Kane, Kool G Rap, and Biz Markie, she wasn't any sort of "female sidekick" but she was a equal part of the crew. She is the model for what every female rapper should aspire to be.
I still agree with this choice, you can't front on Roxanne. I agree with the rest of this list as well.
6. Bahamadia- This Philadelphia bred M.C first made her mark on cameo appearances on tracks with The Roots, but she soon proved that she could rock the Mic all by herself. Like Lauryn, Bahamadia has a enormous vocabulary, excellent delivery, and a hypnotic rhyme flow. Even though she has one noteworthy album, she has proven herself worthy of being on this list because of her lyrical capabilities.
Honorable Mention
*Monie Love- Debuted on Queen Latifah's "Ladies First", this London M.C showed America that England wasn't all tea and crumpets. She displayed a quick delivery, and lyrical prowess that female rappers today would be hard pressed to deal with. The reason she isn't on my favorite list is because she had mediocre albums, and wasn't in the game very long.
*Boss- When she first came out I thought she was the best thing since sliced bread. Her song "Deeper" is still one of my personal favorites, displaying her gritty rhyme flow about street life. She was lyrical, with a aggressive rhyme style, and a take no prisoners persona. Her debut album was her only noteworthy album, after which she virtually disappeared from the hip hop scene.
*Heather B- She should win the "Most improved M.C" Award, because when she was a member of BDP she was garbage. But when she left BPD, did The Real World and waited a few years, she came back a new lyricist and made me a believer. The reason why she isn't on my favorite list because she doesn't really have any noteworthy albums, and possibly because I just didn't hear enough of her.
*Lady of Rage- She was the First Lady of Death Row Records, first showcasing her skills on Dr. Dre's "Chronic" album. She went solo and hit the world with "Afro puffs" which many people that I knew liked. She had a simple rhyme structure, but was lyrical and had a dynamic voice. She suffered from 1)Image issues that many females fall victim to 2) Lackluster production 3) She simply wasn't a priority for Dr. Dre and Death Row.
Glaring omissions? Let me explain.
Salt & Pepper- They were a legendary group, no doubt about that. But the sheer fact that Herbie Lovebug wrote their lyrics disqualifies them from my list. I love you ladies, but Sorry.
Foxy Brown- She is just "ok" to me, but I find her rather boring. Not only that, she doesn't have any songs that I would personally recommend. How many times can you rap about being a female thug who loves money??
LiL Kim-How do I hate thee, let me count the ways..But seriously, she is automatically disqualified because she hardly writes her own lyrics. She doesn't have any songs that stick with me, and she is basically all image. This is going to sound weird coming from me, being that I love porn and other filth more than the next guy, but I feel that her raunchy image hurts females who want to gain respect because of their skills. Again, how many times can you rap about getting money for sex, Versache, and your Vagina??
Eve- I think eve is legitimate, she just bores the piss out of me. That simple.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
101 Things that I Hate about YOU!
Even though I try to stay upbeat and maintain a positive attitude, there are a lot of things that piss me off. Some of these things might seem petty to some of you, but I wouldn't feel right if I wasn't honest about some of the things that irritate me. These are various examples of things that get me upset during any given day. Here we go..
People that eat with their mouth open- I know this irritates a lot of people, but I hate when people do this. Its not so much the sight but the sound of it that makes me want to slap the shit out of someone. Close your mouth you fucking barbarian!
People who make a "Ahhh" sound after taking a drink- This is really petty but this truly irritates me. What in the hell is the "ahhh" for?? My theory is, if you haven't just finished running a marathon, completing a vigorous work-out, or trekking through a desert, there shouldn't be any damn "ahh" sounds!!!!
Serena's outfits- I don't really mind what Serena wears and I feel that she is a awesome tennis player.(not to mention a backside that you could bounce a quarter on, Sweet Jesus!) The problem I have is that she seems more concerned about what she wears on the court, and not about actually winning matches. Message to Serena: Nobody cares what you wear if you are getting your ass handed to you in the first round.
Black Republicans- I have written about this before but it has to be readdressed. Not only do I feel that many black republicans are delusional in thinking that their party embraces them, they have turned their back on their own people. Whenever I see any of them on T.V, for some reason I can't stop thinking about them being a modern day minstrel show. Truly pathetic. Message to them: Your party uses you to say that they are "diverse" then they hide your black ass away until the next election cycle. Shame on you, House Negro peasant..
Eminem Albums- This pains me to admit because I was one of his biggest defenders early on. The simple fact is that he doesn't make great albums, as awesome a MC as he is. He has good songs in his overall catalog, but he hasn't made one solid, cohesive album. Not only that, he needs to stop producing because many of his beats are just downright pedestrian. Message to Eminem: You have a good following, you will go platinum no matter what, don't you think it's about time you stop pandering to the TRL crowd and make some classic Hip Hop??My
Mailman- I feel me and this postal clown are going to get into fisticuffs any day now. For a long time my mail came at 2:00, like clockwork. Now, since the arrival of the new mailman, he drags his ass to the point that the mail gets here at 4:30. That is 2 and a half hours later!! When he drops off the mail I give him a "its about damn time" look, and a few times have been close to confronting him about his piss poor service. I always chicken out though because you never know who has a automatic weapon nowadays. Hence the word "postal"..
Women who say that they "like thugs"- This has to be one of the most shallow comments that I hear from women. Maybe I am out of touch, but I don't see the glamor of being with somebody with a criminal record, bad manners, a person who promotes the bastardization of the English language, and someone who mistreats you. Not to mention, many of the same men that some of you women characterize as "thugs" are the same cowards that find me in the club and say, "Hey man, you got my back, I think this guy has beef me me??." You call them thugs, I say their heart pumps pure Kool-Aid.
People who are still racially unaware- As a die hard liberal that I am, I love all people of all colors. Sadly though, there are many that are still racially ignorant even if they have good intentions. Questions or statements that set me off include:- "You are cool for a black guy." "Wow, you are sooo articulate." "Do you wash your hair?" "I have plenty of black friends." "Black people say it, why can't I use the word "nigger"".-- People, it is 2004 for Christs sake, it pains me that I am having the same conversations with people that I had in 3rd grade..
Early morning "pillow talk"- whenever you are with someone in a "intimate" fashion it could be a beautiful thing. What is not so beautiful is early in the morning, when the other person wants to bombard you with non-stop conversation as soon as you wake-up. Can a brother get a minute to gather his thoughts?? Message to early morning babblers: Don't take this personally, but SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
Old School Rappers who mislead us- I love Chuck D, Krs One, Dougie Fresh, and other old school pioneers,but they piss me off sometimes. Whenever any of these cats are asked about the current state of Hip Hop they always say complementary things about modern rap, and they utter some garbage about "Hip Hop's growth." Chuck, Kris, Doug...Stop it, You all know damn well that the current state of Hip Hop is in shambles! I never thought a artist that once said "fuck Elvis", talked about kidnapping the governor of Arizona for not approving a MLK Holiday, and dissecting the history of black cops would be so politically correct.
Sensitive ass Local MC's- My motto is, if you don't like scary answers then don't ask scary questions. There is a local group that I flat-out think is wack, but I never made my belief public. A girl that I know asked me what I thought of said group and I proceeded in telling her what I thought, explaining to her how horrible this group was and that they need to reconsider their career options. Little did I know that she was a girlfriend of one of the guys in that group. Fast forward a few weeks and I see him at a show and he confronts me about my comments. I think that he thought that I would backtrack on my statements being that he was face to face with me. Being the asshole that I am I said, "Yeah, I said that yall were wack, pretty damn horrible come to think about it." He called me a "Hater" so I proceeded on quoting Common: "If its wack then its wack, it don't mean that I'm hating." Then I said, "Everyone in your group sounds like someone else. One dude sounds like Pharoahe Monch, one sounds like Mos Def, and your ass sounds like Jay-Z. If you want me to say positive shit about your group then I suggest you get your own fucking identity!!". Lets just say he wasn't too pleased with my point of view.
People that eat with their mouth open- I know this irritates a lot of people, but I hate when people do this. Its not so much the sight but the sound of it that makes me want to slap the shit out of someone. Close your mouth you fucking barbarian!
People who make a "Ahhh" sound after taking a drink- This is really petty but this truly irritates me. What in the hell is the "ahhh" for?? My theory is, if you haven't just finished running a marathon, completing a vigorous work-out, or trekking through a desert, there shouldn't be any damn "ahh" sounds!!!!
Serena's outfits- I don't really mind what Serena wears and I feel that she is a awesome tennis player.(not to mention a backside that you could bounce a quarter on, Sweet Jesus!) The problem I have is that she seems more concerned about what she wears on the court, and not about actually winning matches. Message to Serena: Nobody cares what you wear if you are getting your ass handed to you in the first round.
Black Republicans- I have written about this before but it has to be readdressed. Not only do I feel that many black republicans are delusional in thinking that their party embraces them, they have turned their back on their own people. Whenever I see any of them on T.V, for some reason I can't stop thinking about them being a modern day minstrel show. Truly pathetic. Message to them: Your party uses you to say that they are "diverse" then they hide your black ass away until the next election cycle. Shame on you, House Negro peasant..
Eminem Albums- This pains me to admit because I was one of his biggest defenders early on. The simple fact is that he doesn't make great albums, as awesome a MC as he is. He has good songs in his overall catalog, but he hasn't made one solid, cohesive album. Not only that, he needs to stop producing because many of his beats are just downright pedestrian. Message to Eminem: You have a good following, you will go platinum no matter what, don't you think it's about time you stop pandering to the TRL crowd and make some classic Hip Hop??My
Mailman- I feel me and this postal clown are going to get into fisticuffs any day now. For a long time my mail came at 2:00, like clockwork. Now, since the arrival of the new mailman, he drags his ass to the point that the mail gets here at 4:30. That is 2 and a half hours later!! When he drops off the mail I give him a "its about damn time" look, and a few times have been close to confronting him about his piss poor service. I always chicken out though because you never know who has a automatic weapon nowadays. Hence the word "postal"..
Women who say that they "like thugs"- This has to be one of the most shallow comments that I hear from women. Maybe I am out of touch, but I don't see the glamor of being with somebody with a criminal record, bad manners, a person who promotes the bastardization of the English language, and someone who mistreats you. Not to mention, many of the same men that some of you women characterize as "thugs" are the same cowards that find me in the club and say, "Hey man, you got my back, I think this guy has beef me me??." You call them thugs, I say their heart pumps pure Kool-Aid.
People who are still racially unaware- As a die hard liberal that I am, I love all people of all colors. Sadly though, there are many that are still racially ignorant even if they have good intentions. Questions or statements that set me off include:- "You are cool for a black guy." "Wow, you are sooo articulate." "Do you wash your hair?" "I have plenty of black friends." "Black people say it, why can't I use the word "nigger"".-- People, it is 2004 for Christs sake, it pains me that I am having the same conversations with people that I had in 3rd grade..
Early morning "pillow talk"- whenever you are with someone in a "intimate" fashion it could be a beautiful thing. What is not so beautiful is early in the morning, when the other person wants to bombard you with non-stop conversation as soon as you wake-up. Can a brother get a minute to gather his thoughts?? Message to early morning babblers: Don't take this personally, but SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
Old School Rappers who mislead us- I love Chuck D, Krs One, Dougie Fresh, and other old school pioneers,but they piss me off sometimes. Whenever any of these cats are asked about the current state of Hip Hop they always say complementary things about modern rap, and they utter some garbage about "Hip Hop's growth." Chuck, Kris, Doug...Stop it, You all know damn well that the current state of Hip Hop is in shambles! I never thought a artist that once said "fuck Elvis", talked about kidnapping the governor of Arizona for not approving a MLK Holiday, and dissecting the history of black cops would be so politically correct.
Sensitive ass Local MC's- My motto is, if you don't like scary answers then don't ask scary questions. There is a local group that I flat-out think is wack, but I never made my belief public. A girl that I know asked me what I thought of said group and I proceeded in telling her what I thought, explaining to her how horrible this group was and that they need to reconsider their career options. Little did I know that she was a girlfriend of one of the guys in that group. Fast forward a few weeks and I see him at a show and he confronts me about my comments. I think that he thought that I would backtrack on my statements being that he was face to face with me. Being the asshole that I am I said, "Yeah, I said that yall were wack, pretty damn horrible come to think about it." He called me a "Hater" so I proceeded on quoting Common: "If its wack then its wack, it don't mean that I'm hating." Then I said, "Everyone in your group sounds like someone else. One dude sounds like Pharoahe Monch, one sounds like Mos Def, and your ass sounds like Jay-Z. If you want me to say positive shit about your group then I suggest you get your own fucking identity!!". Lets just say he wasn't too pleased with my point of view.
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Eloquent ways to say "fuck you!" on a track: My favorite diss records..
From as long as I can remember, I have been a fan of the age old diss track. Some people love them because they say diss tracks are a essential part of hip hop history and display the competitive spirit of the genre. Some people hate diss tracks because they feel that they perpetuate everything negative about hip hop.(i.e bragging, inciting violence, ect.) Personally I love them because they are usually straight to the point, mean spirited, and it tests the true skills of your favorite MC. Here are a few of my favorites..
Artist: Boogie Down Productions
Song: The Bridge Is Over
Target:Juice Crew(MC Shan, Roxanne Shante, Marley Marl)
Classic lines:"Because Shan and Marley Marl dem-a-rhymin like they gayPickin up the mic, mon, dem don't know what to saySayin that hip-hop started out in QueensbridgeSayin lies like that, mon, you know dem can't live"
"I finally figured it out, Magic mouth is used for suckinRoxanne Shante is only good for steady fuckin""What's the matter with your MC, Marley Marl?Don't know you know that he's out of touch,What's the matter with your DJ, MC Shan?On the wheels of steel Marlon sucks"
Song: Shut The Eff Up!(Hoe)
Artist: MC Lyte
Target: Antoinette
Classic line:"Step back, let the Lyte shineDo not say shit till you write your own rhyme"
Song: Second Round K.O
Artist: Cannibus
Target: LL Cool J
Classic lines:
"I studied your background, read the book that you wrote/Researched your footnotes, bout how you used to sniff coke"
"You walk around showin off your body cause it sells/Plus to avoid the fact that you ain't got skills/Mad at me cause I kick that shit real niggaz feel/While 99% of your fans wear high heels"
"And if you really want to show off, we can get it on/Live in front of the cameras on your own sitcom/I'll let you kick a verse, fuck it, I'll let you kick em all/I'll even wait for the studio audience to applaud/ [cheers]Now watch me rip the tat from your arm/Kick you in the groin, stick you for your Vanguard award/In front of your mom your 1st, 2nd and 3rd born/Make your wife get on the horn call Minister Farrakhan"
Song: Ether
Artist: Nas
Target: Jay-Z
Classic lines:
"Is he Dame Diddy, Dame Daddy or Dame Dummy?/Oh, I get it, you Biggie and he's Puffy/Rockafeller died of AIDS, that was the end of his chapter/And that's the guy y'all chose to name your company after?"
"You a fan, a phony, a fake, a pussy, a Stan/I still whip your ass, you thirty-six in a karate class"
"So little shorty's gettin gunned up and clapped quick/How much of Biggie's rhymes is gon' come out your fat lips?"
Song: No Vaseline
Artist: Ice Cube
Target: N.W.A
Classic lines:
"First you was down with the AK,and now I see you on a video with Michel'le?"
"But if they were smart as me,Eazy E would be hangin' from a tree./With no vaseline, just a match and a little bit of gasoline./Light 'em up, burn 'em up, flame on...till that Jheri curl is gone."
Song: "The Bitch in yoo"
Artist: Common
Target: Ice Cube, W.C, Mack 10
Classic lines:
"Now what the fuck I look like dissing a whole coast/You ain't made shit dope since AmeriKKKa's Most""Hyprocrite, I'm filling out your Death Certificate/Slanging bean pies and St Ide's in the same sentence""Rap career is over, better off actingWhat trouble I see, you're managing WC and Wack 10"
Artist: Boogie Down Productions
Song: The Bridge Is Over
Target:Juice Crew(MC Shan, Roxanne Shante, Marley Marl)
Classic lines:"Because Shan and Marley Marl dem-a-rhymin like they gayPickin up the mic, mon, dem don't know what to saySayin that hip-hop started out in QueensbridgeSayin lies like that, mon, you know dem can't live"
"I finally figured it out, Magic mouth is used for suckinRoxanne Shante is only good for steady fuckin""What's the matter with your MC, Marley Marl?Don't know you know that he's out of touch,What's the matter with your DJ, MC Shan?On the wheels of steel Marlon sucks"
Song: Shut The Eff Up!(Hoe)
Artist: MC Lyte
Target: Antoinette
Classic line:"Step back, let the Lyte shineDo not say shit till you write your own rhyme"
Song: Second Round K.O
Artist: Cannibus
Target: LL Cool J
Classic lines:
"I studied your background, read the book that you wrote/Researched your footnotes, bout how you used to sniff coke"
"You walk around showin off your body cause it sells/Plus to avoid the fact that you ain't got skills/Mad at me cause I kick that shit real niggaz feel/While 99% of your fans wear high heels"
"And if you really want to show off, we can get it on/Live in front of the cameras on your own sitcom/I'll let you kick a verse, fuck it, I'll let you kick em all/I'll even wait for the studio audience to applaud/ [cheers]Now watch me rip the tat from your arm/Kick you in the groin, stick you for your Vanguard award/In front of your mom your 1st, 2nd and 3rd born/Make your wife get on the horn call Minister Farrakhan"
Song: Ether
Artist: Nas
Target: Jay-Z
Classic lines:
"Is he Dame Diddy, Dame Daddy or Dame Dummy?/Oh, I get it, you Biggie and he's Puffy/Rockafeller died of AIDS, that was the end of his chapter/And that's the guy y'all chose to name your company after?"
"You a fan, a phony, a fake, a pussy, a Stan/I still whip your ass, you thirty-six in a karate class"
"So little shorty's gettin gunned up and clapped quick/How much of Biggie's rhymes is gon' come out your fat lips?"
Song: No Vaseline
Artist: Ice Cube
Target: N.W.A
Classic lines:
"First you was down with the AK,and now I see you on a video with Michel'le?"
"But if they were smart as me,Eazy E would be hangin' from a tree./With no vaseline, just a match and a little bit of gasoline./Light 'em up, burn 'em up, flame on...till that Jheri curl is gone."
Song: "The Bitch in yoo"
Artist: Common
Target: Ice Cube, W.C, Mack 10
Classic lines:
"Now what the fuck I look like dissing a whole coast/You ain't made shit dope since AmeriKKKa's Most""Hyprocrite, I'm filling out your Death Certificate/Slanging bean pies and St Ide's in the same sentence""Rap career is over, better off actingWhat trouble I see, you're managing WC and Wack 10"
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Don't Worry, I'm not moving to Paris
I woke up on November 3rd, 2004 hopeful that John Forbes Kerry would be our next President of the United States. I liked his chances because Iraq is a mess, people have lost their jobs, and Bush's administration is as corrupt as it gets. Not only that, I have the fundamental belief that Kerry is flat out a better person morally, intellectually, and when it comes to integrity. I jumped out of bed and turned on the t.v to find out that George W. Bush was the projected winner.
"What!! How can this be!!", I thought. On the news they were saying that it all came down to Ohio and Bush had gained more votes there."Ohio voted Bush?? Most of those motherfuckers lost jobs under that asshole. How stupid can you fucking get!", I yelled aloud. Overwhelmed by the bad news, the idiocy of the American people, and hard work I put in to get John Kerry elected I looked in the mirror and said, "My black ass is moving to France, fuck it!"
The first thing I did was I called my mother and told her I'm leaving. "Mom, you have been the best Mom a guy could of asked for. I love you, god bless you, but I'm moving to France.", I said. "What?", she replied. "I have to leave. Bush is a blundering idiot and the American people who voted for him should be beaten within a inch of their lives." "You're not going anywhere, stop playing boy!" she uttered. "Bye mom", I replied and hung up the phone.
Next I called every girlfriend that I ever had and not only told them that I'm leaving, but also apologized. Apologized for being distant, sarcastic, and probably giving them the worst sex of their lives. Suffice it to say I received various types of reactions. I then started frantically throwing clothes in a suitcase, gathering whatever I could find.
After that, I figured it was a good idea to find out how much money a one way ticket to France is. "7000 Dollars!! Jesus!", I shouted. "Screw it, its a small price to pay for freedom", I thought. I rushed out the door wearing a wife beater(which isn't too flattering for a brother that could stand to lose a few lbs.), boxer shorts with the image of Sade on them, and pink bunny slippers. I wasn't concerned with my appearance, I was focused on leaving this horrible country.
As I sped down the street, I was wondering what went wrong. Bush lied about the war. The economy is bad. People have lost their jobs. Kerry has the ability to complete a articulate sentence, something Bush can't do. Kerry bitch-slapped Bush in the debates. Halliburton. "How did we get here?", I wondered. I was half way to the airport when I saw a man driving a truck that had the words "Kerry is a liberal, and that's why he lost. He can't protect us" written on it. Enraged, I stopped my car, opened the trunk, and pulled out my tire iron. I jumped on the man's hood and proceeded in bashing the shit out of his truck. As I walked away from the battered car I shouted "Bush can't protect you either Motherfucker!!"
I jumped back in my car and anxiously raced to my destination. "France can't be so bad" I thought. "I'll get a chance to embrace a new culture, new cuisine, and I heard that women in France love "the brothers". Imagine the possibilities", I thought. When I got there, I kissed my car and said "Goodbye hooptie" and raced inside the airport. The lines were very long with people that had the same feeling that I did. This one lady was moving to Sweden, this Native American man was moving to England, and this guy I met named Rick told me that he was moving to Hawaii. Lets just say he was was disappointed and embarrassed when I politely informed him that Hawaii was part of the U.S. Got my ticket and raced upstairs to the gate that I was supposed to be at. The plane didn't take off for another hour so I waited patiently for my chance to escape this idiotic wasteland that I call my country. Next to me was a elderly black woman named Ella who sparked off the a conversation.
Ella: Hello young man, have you ever been to France.
Me: No ma'am, this is my first time. How about you?
Ella: This is my first time also. My son lives there with his wife and my grandkids. My husband couldn't make it because we can't afford another ticket. This is my husband John.(she motions to John)
John: Hello young man:
Me: Nice to meet you sir.
Ella: Why are you going to France.
Me: Because I can't take it anymore. Bush has just been re-elected and he was by far the inferior candidate. I put in so many hours volunteering for Kerry, trying to explain to people how he was the better choice. I constantly pointed out Bush's incompetence with facts and evidence to people I knew. He is a nightmare and people couldn't see that. It was decided in Ohio and most of those miserable bastards are jobless because of this president. I feel that my only choice is to leave the country.
Ella: Son, I don't mean to be rude but, that has to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard!
Me: What?
Ella: Listen, I agree that Bush isn't worthy of being president, but you leaving the country is just stupid.
Me: In what way?
Ella: "In what way"?? Kid, I am 72 years old. I have lived through segregation, lynchings, minstrel shows, not having the right to vote, deaths of family members by members of the Klan, sitting on the back of the bus, MLK being murdered, Malcolm being murdered, JFK being murdered, Bobby Kennedy being murdered, Medgar Evans being killed, Emmit Till being murdered. Did you know that Emmit Till was murdered because he whistled at a white woman??
Me: Yes ma'am, I knew that.
Ella: Did you know that they shot, stabbed, castrated.. They did everything to that boy. His mother had a open casket at his funeral so people would realize how serious things were and to make more people aware.
Me: I knew that too, and I totally respect what you are saying Ella, but what does that have to do with me leaving the country.
Ella: you aren't too bright are you? Through all of those trying times that I explained, people never gave up. What you are doing is giving up. Hell, if people would of given up we would still be slaves. Everything that is worth having(i.e freedom) involves a struggle. I got into politics because my people were being mistreated and I felt that I could help change things. Isn't that why you're into politics?
Me: Sure. Looking at it as a struggle puts it into perspective.
Ella: How did you first get into politics?
Me: Something my father said to me. First you have to understand that my father lived through a lot of the same things that you did, and he was a Vietnam veteran that did two terms there. I saw him cry ONE time. Not at funerals, or a movie, or even during the last days when he struggled with prostate cancer. The one time I saw him cry is when he told me that when he was in the Navy, men on his ship actually cheered when John F. Kennedy was shot. That must of been a painful memory for him. Hearing that not only outraged me, but it motivated me to get involved and make a difference.
Ella: Exactly. What would your dad say if he knew that you were abandoning the struggle? Leaving when you can do good for your country, your people, and future generations?
Me: He wouldn't be too pleased. Wow, you are right. The battle continues and I am now more motivated than ever. Thanks Ella!
Ella: No problem. I have to ask you a question: What in the hell are you wearing??
Me: Lets just say I was in a rush. Thank you so much.(HumanityCritic reaches over to embrace Ella) Take care.
Ella: May god bless you child
Me: Oh, this is so your grandkids can enjoy both their grandparents.(Humanitycritic hands John his ticket)
John: Thank you son!! This is going to be a great thanksgiving!!
As I walked back to my car I knew that the struggle continued and that we must all fight everyday for our rights. Is Bush still a idiot? Are Americans still stupid? You bet. But I drove home thinking three things. 1) That I will continue to fight the good fight, and hold this administration's feet to the fire as well as our "President" 2) I hope that the guys whose car I smashed didn't get my license plate number and 3) I would have to cut down on buying beer, porn, and hip hip being that I just gave away a $7000 dollar ticket.
"What!! How can this be!!", I thought. On the news they were saying that it all came down to Ohio and Bush had gained more votes there."Ohio voted Bush?? Most of those motherfuckers lost jobs under that asshole. How stupid can you fucking get!", I yelled aloud. Overwhelmed by the bad news, the idiocy of the American people, and hard work I put in to get John Kerry elected I looked in the mirror and said, "My black ass is moving to France, fuck it!"
The first thing I did was I called my mother and told her I'm leaving. "Mom, you have been the best Mom a guy could of asked for. I love you, god bless you, but I'm moving to France.", I said. "What?", she replied. "I have to leave. Bush is a blundering idiot and the American people who voted for him should be beaten within a inch of their lives." "You're not going anywhere, stop playing boy!" she uttered. "Bye mom", I replied and hung up the phone.
Next I called every girlfriend that I ever had and not only told them that I'm leaving, but also apologized. Apologized for being distant, sarcastic, and probably giving them the worst sex of their lives. Suffice it to say I received various types of reactions. I then started frantically throwing clothes in a suitcase, gathering whatever I could find.
After that, I figured it was a good idea to find out how much money a one way ticket to France is. "7000 Dollars!! Jesus!", I shouted. "Screw it, its a small price to pay for freedom", I thought. I rushed out the door wearing a wife beater(which isn't too flattering for a brother that could stand to lose a few lbs.), boxer shorts with the image of Sade on them, and pink bunny slippers. I wasn't concerned with my appearance, I was focused on leaving this horrible country.
As I sped down the street, I was wondering what went wrong. Bush lied about the war. The economy is bad. People have lost their jobs. Kerry has the ability to complete a articulate sentence, something Bush can't do. Kerry bitch-slapped Bush in the debates. Halliburton. "How did we get here?", I wondered. I was half way to the airport when I saw a man driving a truck that had the words "Kerry is a liberal, and that's why he lost. He can't protect us" written on it. Enraged, I stopped my car, opened the trunk, and pulled out my tire iron. I jumped on the man's hood and proceeded in bashing the shit out of his truck. As I walked away from the battered car I shouted "Bush can't protect you either Motherfucker!!"
I jumped back in my car and anxiously raced to my destination. "France can't be so bad" I thought. "I'll get a chance to embrace a new culture, new cuisine, and I heard that women in France love "the brothers". Imagine the possibilities", I thought. When I got there, I kissed my car and said "Goodbye hooptie" and raced inside the airport. The lines were very long with people that had the same feeling that I did. This one lady was moving to Sweden, this Native American man was moving to England, and this guy I met named Rick told me that he was moving to Hawaii. Lets just say he was was disappointed and embarrassed when I politely informed him that Hawaii was part of the U.S. Got my ticket and raced upstairs to the gate that I was supposed to be at. The plane didn't take off for another hour so I waited patiently for my chance to escape this idiotic wasteland that I call my country. Next to me was a elderly black woman named Ella who sparked off the a conversation.
Ella: Hello young man, have you ever been to France.
Me: No ma'am, this is my first time. How about you?
Ella: This is my first time also. My son lives there with his wife and my grandkids. My husband couldn't make it because we can't afford another ticket. This is my husband John.(she motions to John)
John: Hello young man:
Me: Nice to meet you sir.
Ella: Why are you going to France.
Me: Because I can't take it anymore. Bush has just been re-elected and he was by far the inferior candidate. I put in so many hours volunteering for Kerry, trying to explain to people how he was the better choice. I constantly pointed out Bush's incompetence with facts and evidence to people I knew. He is a nightmare and people couldn't see that. It was decided in Ohio and most of those miserable bastards are jobless because of this president. I feel that my only choice is to leave the country.
Ella: Son, I don't mean to be rude but, that has to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard!
Me: What?
Ella: Listen, I agree that Bush isn't worthy of being president, but you leaving the country is just stupid.
Me: In what way?
Ella: "In what way"?? Kid, I am 72 years old. I have lived through segregation, lynchings, minstrel shows, not having the right to vote, deaths of family members by members of the Klan, sitting on the back of the bus, MLK being murdered, Malcolm being murdered, JFK being murdered, Bobby Kennedy being murdered, Medgar Evans being killed, Emmit Till being murdered. Did you know that Emmit Till was murdered because he whistled at a white woman??
Me: Yes ma'am, I knew that.
Ella: Did you know that they shot, stabbed, castrated.. They did everything to that boy. His mother had a open casket at his funeral so people would realize how serious things were and to make more people aware.
Me: I knew that too, and I totally respect what you are saying Ella, but what does that have to do with me leaving the country.
Ella: you aren't too bright are you? Through all of those trying times that I explained, people never gave up. What you are doing is giving up. Hell, if people would of given up we would still be slaves. Everything that is worth having(i.e freedom) involves a struggle. I got into politics because my people were being mistreated and I felt that I could help change things. Isn't that why you're into politics?
Me: Sure. Looking at it as a struggle puts it into perspective.
Ella: How did you first get into politics?
Me: Something my father said to me. First you have to understand that my father lived through a lot of the same things that you did, and he was a Vietnam veteran that did two terms there. I saw him cry ONE time. Not at funerals, or a movie, or even during the last days when he struggled with prostate cancer. The one time I saw him cry is when he told me that when he was in the Navy, men on his ship actually cheered when John F. Kennedy was shot. That must of been a painful memory for him. Hearing that not only outraged me, but it motivated me to get involved and make a difference.
Ella: Exactly. What would your dad say if he knew that you were abandoning the struggle? Leaving when you can do good for your country, your people, and future generations?
Me: He wouldn't be too pleased. Wow, you are right. The battle continues and I am now more motivated than ever. Thanks Ella!
Ella: No problem. I have to ask you a question: What in the hell are you wearing??
Me: Lets just say I was in a rush. Thank you so much.(HumanityCritic reaches over to embrace Ella) Take care.
Ella: May god bless you child
Me: Oh, this is so your grandkids can enjoy both their grandparents.(Humanitycritic hands John his ticket)
John: Thank you son!! This is going to be a great thanksgiving!!
As I walked back to my car I knew that the struggle continued and that we must all fight everyday for our rights. Is Bush still a idiot? Are Americans still stupid? You bet. But I drove home thinking three things. 1) That I will continue to fight the good fight, and hold this administration's feet to the fire as well as our "President" 2) I hope that the guys whose car I smashed didn't get my license plate number and 3) I would have to cut down on buying beer, porn, and hip hip being that I just gave away a $7000 dollar ticket.
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