Psychopathic Girlfriend 101

It has come to my attention while scanning my blog that a lot of my recent writings have been about looking into myself and my insecurities, faults, and overall mistakes. I must admit that it has been cathartic, sharing my personal faux paus with you good people out there in the blogisphere. But todays post isn't about self analyzing, just good old fashion blame. That's right, Blame. I have admitted that I have been distant, a prick, a conniving asshole, and all around lecherous son of a bitch when it came to my relationships with the opposite sex. But believe it or not, not all my relationship woes were my fault. Hard to believe? Check this out.

Boy Toy: Her name was Sofia, and she was the pure essence of beauty and elegance. She looked like Dorothy Dandridge, with cleavage like the Holland tunnel. I met her through a mutual friend, and even though she was 20 years my elder we connected immediately. It didn't hurt that Sofia was filthy rich and didn't mind spending countless amounts of money on me. I'm not ghetto, I was raised in a middle class community and the only time I have been to a project is when I was picking up some unaware bastard's daughter to touch in a inappropriate manner...But, Sophia took me places that were of the highest quality. Fine Dining, clothes, dancing, for a college kid I was in heaven. What they say about women over 40 being at their prime is true, and since a man's prime is around 18 you can guess that the sex between us was damn near criminal. I had the time of my life until I noticed something rather strange. For one thing she started demanding that I be somewhere at a certain time and that I "better not" be late. Very demanding, I almost felt like I was being talked to like a disobedient pet. Then in public, she tried to talk to me like a child, which was embarrassing for the both of us because of the verbal venom that I can spew. To add insult to injury she didn't really listen to me when I talked. You know the way a busy parent addresses a child when the kid is asking them a plethora of questions?? "Uh huh..OK, yeah" OK, blame my late realization on the fact that I was 20 at the time, but a epiphany hit me like a sack of bricks. "I'm her fucking boy toy!!! After that realization I can kind of sympathize with women who feel objectified and wanted only for what they can do in the bedroom. Some guys might like the idea of being used for simply sex, but when you realize that your mind is irrelevant and you are only good for intercourse it can be rather demeaning. She had as much emotional attachment to me as a average woman has to her Dildo. Shortly after I came to my senses I cut it off with her, telling her that I am "No ones bitch". She looked amazed and classically said the following, "But what about all the money I have invested in you? What will you do without me? Oh well, you can be replaced." I smiled, placed her keys on the table and said, "you take care of yourself Sophia" and walked out of her overpriced apartment.

Simone: I met this Caribbean delight at a get together a college friend was having one summer night. She was gorgeous, brilliant, an ass that you can put a drink on, besides I am a sucker for accents. We hit it off and we were a couple almost immediately. We had a beautiful time, and like a person who takes their first hit of cooked cocaine I knew I was hooked. Slowly, as time went on, the fact that she was crazy as catshit began to show itself. From overwhelming jealousy, fits of rage, and when she got drunk she used to say crazy shit like "What would you do if I stabbed you right now". I used to reply, "Probably bleed you silly bitch!" It got downright scary, especially when I opened my eyes from a long sleep and she was standing over me with a menacing look on her face. It didn't help matters that my old man told me something about some Caribbean women putting period blood in food to control their man.(If I am wrong about this, please check me on it) Lets just say the only thing I ate at her house was popcorn, potato chips, anything that came in a sealed bag. When I did try to break it off with her it was ugly, she had actually said she was going to get a gun and "kill my Yankee ass". I have to be honest, even though I have never hit a woman, I have never came so close to beating a chicks ass during my lifetime. In my pathetic male mind I wanted to think that the way that I "put it on her" caused her to act in such a way, but I suspect that she has been nuttier than squirrel shit her entire life.

Mary: Again with the accents, but this is the British variety. This UK import and I had met at a bar in Downtown Norfolk. We discussed politics of the day, her Nigerian parents, Hip Hop, American women vs. English women, and other topics that are blocked out of my mind due to excessive alcohol and me staring at her thighs all night. We have a good time and we exchange numbers, that was that. About a week later I give her a call and we plan to spend the day together. We had a good time, shortly after that we began dating. She was sharp, and I swear she was the first woman that I have ever known that knows something about every topic you can imagine. From mechanics, music, the Final Four, Jim Brown's stats, comic books, fashion, obscure Hip hop..truly amazing. But like Sophia and Simone the cracks in Mary's armor began to show. Let me explain: She always used the term "taking a piss". Like if I was being sarcastic with her, or joking around, she would ask, "Are you taking a piss". That was her lingo. OK, we are sitting in bed and she turns to me and asks me, "You wanna take a piss on me?" So I reply, "Why would I want to joke you??" She said, "No, you don't understand. Do you want to URINATE on me??" "Urinate on you??", I said. She went on to say that she has a piss fetish and every boyfriend that she has had has done that to her. I don't get disgusted yet because I just knew that she is kidding, but after waiting for the punchline she says the following, "I also like for guys to take a shit on me also. Come on love, you will like it!" Suddenly my mind flashes back to when I licked every inch of her body, then I have visions of all the guys that shit on her and I get extremely nauseous. I run out of her apartment only wearing my boxers in 35 degree weather, vomiting my guts out. As I am hunched over, and the bile is dripping from my lips I turn my head and scream towards her second floor window and say "You nasty bitch!!" I wish I tried to understand her fetish and not judge her for it, but I simply couldn't get that shit out of my mind. To top it all off she had the nerve to tell me the following, "I though you Yanks were supposed to be so adventurous." I told her, "If we are talking about white water rafting, fucking in a public bathroom, or gambling 3 thousand dollars in Vegas then yeah, I'm up for the adventure. But eating someone feces is jut downright nasty."

Like Father Like Son

When a person is going through the trials and tribulations of growing up they always say that they will never be like their parents. Even if someone's parents were fundamentally good people, there is a desire to separate yourself from the individuals that raised you. I am no different. I have mixed feelings on my father. Even though I found him amazing by being able to fix anything, becoming a Master Chief in the Navy, becoming a engineer that taught classes, all on a 6th grade education. The mere fact that he was self taught still blows my mind. Then there is the side of him when he would tell me that I wasn't shit and that I would never amount to anything. I acknowledge that there are things that are hard for me to look past.

I woke up the other morning, washed my face, and when I looked in the mirror I said to myself "I have become my father". Not totally, but there are some similarities that are hard to miss:

My Father was notoriously late: This is hard to admit but I am known for my late arrivals. Granted, if a check is involved my black ass is there early, but other than that people find themselves waiting on me. I know it isn't sexy. It's not that I am late on purpose, with some master plot to piss people off. The problem is I always miscalculate the time allotted to get somewhere, if my destination is 15 miles away and I have 5 minutes to get there I think I can make it. It's so bad at this point that my friends tell me to get somewhere super early, fooling me to be there on time.

My Father wasn't big on religion: OK, even though I hate Ghetto Gospel plays and think that most preachers are despicable bastards because their support for Bush this past election, I believe in God. I grew up Catholic, and most of my biblical knowledge came from my time in Catholic school. My problem with religion is that a lot of people become fanatical, damn near cult-like, and they allow their faith to alter ever opinion they ever had.

My Father said whatever he felt: OK, most of you guys who read this blog know this to be true, but it's sort of different. I tend to think that I use my powers for good and not evil. If you are a dear friend or a family member I try not to hurt your feelings and I am considerate with my outspoken nature. But if you are a black republican, or some garden variety jackass then I have no problem spewing venom in their direction. Fuck em'.

My father had a pretty bad temper: I actually think my temper is worse than his was, which legitimately scares me. The good part is that people I truly care about have never and will never see that side of me but knowing that rage is inside me is a bit unsettling.

My Father had a hatred for current music: I used to get so irritated when my father would criticize hip hop because I felt that he didn't know what he was talking about. But I realized early that good music is good music. When I was helping him one summer at his car shop, I had put in a mix tape with Rakim, EPMD, Big Daddy Kane, etc. He turned to me and said, "That stuff is pretty good. That hip hop I like!" My jaw hit the ground when I heard that. Now that I am a grizzled old man of 31, I totally detest 95%of what is played on the radio. When I reminisce about the "times when hip hop was pure" I start feeling like my father.

My Father could talk about Pu**y(slang for female genitalia) all day: Even though I have tried to come clean on my blog and express all of me, the one part of me that I have just showed a piece of is my nastiness. I have wrote about some pretty nasty topics, but I have tried hard not to be totally crass. But the truth is I have the mind of a nasty old man. Not as bad as my father though, he would have sex stories and anecdotes that would make me blush.

My Father was judgmental: Here is another thing that I would like to alter as I get older. Here is the deal: If I'm talking to you and during our conversation you say some seriously stupid shit, the rest of the time you sound like Charlie Browns teacher to me.(Whah-whah-whah..) I need to be patient with people and give them more of a chance.

My Father had a handful of friends: I am exactly the same way. I have about 5 good friends, the rest are in the category of "motherfuckers that I just know". The weird part is most of those people consider me their friend but I just consider them my acquaintance. My definition of friend is: A person that you can call 3 in the morning, tell them that you have a dead hooker in your hotel room, and they ask you if they should bring a shovel. That is a friend.

Hopefully I will be different in the way I treat my child, when and if I ever have one. I really don't want to repeat the history of verbal abuse that I was a victim of, but maybe since I am aware of it I can stop the cycle in its tracks.

Barbershop..Nothing like the movie

A few days ago, when I had ran out of perverse activities to partake in, I sat and watched the movie "Barbershop" when it came on cable. Of course I have seen the movie before but this particular viewing was important because I realized how different my "Barbershop" was. In the movie version they try to show you how honest and frank discussion happens in most barbershops, and I'm sure that is the case in many barbershops that you all go to. Not at my Barbershop, I have heard some of the most ignorant and asinine conversations ever uttered by man. After going to this particular barbershop after a year I had to start wearing headphones to mask the incoherent ramblings that were going on around me. But I quickly learned that idiocy can penetrate any Walkman, my last defense was to stage a aggressive dialogue. People there hate me because I lack the ability to close my mouthpiece when I hear someone say some dumb shit. Here are a few examples.

"George W. Bush is the best president ever!"- This gem came from my barber, so I really had to struggle with this one. I know you don't want to fuck with a man that is shaping up your beard, but I couldn't resist. I asked him why he thought Bush was the "best president ever" and he said something about him "having character" and him being "resolute". The following rant is probably the reason why I have been getting sub-par beard trims of late. "Jamal, did you recently get a position with FOX news and you didn't tell me?? Bush is a bastard, being "resolute" doesn't mean shit if your ignorant ass is always wrong. "Character"? The man reminds me of Milli Vanilli, only this time Dick Cheney is really singing the songs and his piss poor record is the equivalent to a record skip. Don't come at me with that shit." Jamal gave me a slight grin. Not a "HumanityCritic sure is a character" grin, but a "Motherfucker who are you talking to "grin. Oh well.

"Lil Wayne is better than Rakim"- Believe it or not someone actually said this. I was actually on my way out of the door, drinking a soda, when I spit it out when I heard this nonsense. I didn't know the guy who said it but I had to say something. "What in the fuck are you talking about? Lil' Wayne? That jackass is horrible, and you are old enough to know better. Man, I would of been less surprised if you said that you ate your own fecal matter, at least that wouldn't have been as stupid. That is just retarded.(I quickly put my hand on his shoulder and say) Are you actually mentally handicapped? If you are, excuse me for the "retarded" line. Rakim is the greatest artist to ever touch a microphone, Lil Wayne shouldn't be in the same discussion. Are you shitting me!??" I guess I struck a nerve because dude was highly upset, quoting Lil' Wayne verses. When he was finished I said, "That's exhibit A your honor, proof of the wackness. I rest my case!" My barber told me that I better leave because apparently the guy that I was arguing with carried a gun, even more evidence of his vaginal nature and poor decision making. I obliged and left.

"SoulPlane is the best movie to come out this year"- This was the equivalent to fingernails scraping against a chalkboard to a movie lover like myself. That quote was uttered by the owner, a woman named Patty who owns the Beauty Shop next door. I talked to her a few times before so I knew her style. Ghetto gospel plays, horrible movie selections, every song she likes is about some "baby's momma", you get the picture. Not only that, she acts like she went to the Monique school of Drama(The Parkers) so I knew the following rant wouldn't earn me any love: "Soulplane? That was a two hour minstrel show, and I totally question the mental stability of anyone who liked said flick. That movie was so ghetto, I wouldn't be surprised if they handed out chicken and Kool Aid at the theaters. If there was a movie to set black folks back one hundred years, Soulplane is it. Tom Arnold, Snoop Dogg, Monique, ingredients that add up to box office poison." She rolled her eyes and gave me a hand wave, but ever since then she gives me a evil look when I enter her establishment.

"I'm dating your ex, what do you think about that?"- It was a beautiful summer afternoon when I was getting my beard trimmed up. I felt no hostility that day, I was at peace with myself. This guy walks in and looks at me like he knows me, but I didn't know who he was. He starts talking loudly about his girlfriend, and as he is talking I realize that he is talking about my ex. OK, he knows who I am and he is trying to get a rise out of me, I'll ignore him. After about 10 minutes of him talking about his "girlfriend" he says the following, directly to me this time: "I'm dating your ex, what do you think about that?" I arose from the barber-chair, paid my money, and said the following: "So you are dating my ex, so fucking what? That was like a year ago, you want a gold ribbon or some shit?? That is like me having a car for a few years. I put most of the miles on that motherfucker, the dent in the door was made by me, I was the one that broke the car in.. Then you get the same car and brag about a vehicle that I have finished using, how stupid do you look??" After I said that he had mentioned how he would tell my ex that I compared her to a car and I called him a bitch for it. Nothing like a Barbershop.

Dan Rather

Over the past few years I have come to the conclusion that our media is bullshit. Evidence of that is the shabby way the media covered the run up to the Iraq war by not questioning anything. Or the way that every media outlet became a virtual Bush mouthpiece during the 2004 election. With Fox news being #1, and the other stations trying to imitate by becoming Fox-lite, it is hard to find a respectable journalist out among the plethora of incompetent boobs out there. One of the last relics still around from a time when journalism still mattered was Dan Rather.

Dan Rather stepped down from his CBS anchor chair this week and it is a shame that his farewell had to be a unpleasant one. From republicans constantly criticizing him from what they consider a "liberal bias" by Rather over the years, or the documents they claim were fraudulent exposing George W. Bush's "service". What the media misses about the documents are 1)It's true that they were never authenticated, but they were never proved to be false either. 2)Even though the wife Lt. Col. Jerry Killian, the author of those memos, didn't know if they were authentic but she confirms that the memo was consistent with his feeling at the time. Fuck it, lets break down Bush's service:

Media reports found Bush didn't fulfill obligation to the Guard
*According to a September 20 U.S. News & World Report article, Bush didn't fulfill the "military service obligation" that he signed. He still didn't attend enough drills to meet requirements. Bush also failed to comply with time limits on making up missed drills. The U.S. News article reported: "[D]uring the final two years of his obligation, Bush did not comply with Air Force regulations that impose a time limit on making up missed drills." In addition, Bush never made up five months of missed drills.

Bush flew planes for 22 months, not for "several years as Bush claimed
*Joe Conason pointed out, "[I]n May 1972, only 22 months after he completed pilot training, he [Bush] stopped flying. Twenty-two months, hardly constitutes the "several years" that Bush claimed.

Bush got preferential treatment
*Former Texas Speaker of the House Ben Barnes swore under oath that he helped Bush get into the Air National Guard.
*Bush's Harvard Business School professor Yoshi Tsurumi said Bush admitted his father's friends got him into the Guard.
*Records examined by the Boston Globe, and interviews with military specialists of that era, prove that Bush's attendance was so irregular that he could have been disciplined or ordered to active duty in 1972, 1973, or 1974

Bush never made up five months of missed drills
*In a U.S. News article, Bush "apparently never made up five months of drills he missed in 1972, contrary to assertions by the administration.

Bush twice signed documents pledging to meet requirements; twice violated that oath
*According to a article in The Boston Globe: "Bush fell well short of meeting his military obligation, a Globe reexamination of the records shows: Twice during his Guard service -- first when he joined in May 1968, and again before he transferred out of his unit in mid-1973 to attend Harvard Business School -- Bush signed documents pledging to meet training commitments or face a punitive call-up to active duty. He didn't meet the commitments, or face the punishment, the records show. The 1973 document has been overlooked in news media accounts. The 1968 document has received scant notice."

Bush skipped a required physical, and was grounded from flying
*The Globe article continued: "While Bush was in Alabama, he was removed from flight status for failing to take his annual flight physical in July 1972. On May 1, 1973, Bush's superior officers wrote that they could not complete his annual performance review because he had not been observed at the Houston base during the prior 12 months."

So now you understand where I'm coming from. Even if the documents were totally falsified there is no doubt that Bush not only got in the National Guard because of family connections, but also there is proof that he was a miserable soldier that missed a significant amount of time.

What makes "Rathergate" even more laughable is that there were journalistic misdeeds which made anything that Dan Rather did seem small in comparison. You had a journalist who leaked the identity of a CIA operative just because her husband came out against the Bush administration. You had a White House plant whose main purpose was to throw softball questions at Bush and his staff.(He turned out to be a gay escort by the way) You have Fox news with their misinformation, 65% of their viewers still think that Saddam was linked to the 9/11 attacks. Lastly, you have a handful of journalists who were paid to push George W. Bush's pathetic agenda. "Rathergate"?? Give me a fucking break.

Since 1961 Rather has covered the Kennedy assassination, Vietnam, Watergate, the fall of the Berlin Wall, Tianemen Square, you name it he's has been the first to cover it. He has had a long and respectable career, and its sad that he is being torn down by fellow colleagues who couldn't hold his journalistic jockstrap.

HumanityCritic and his run-ins with THE LAW

In all my 31 years I consider myself fortunate that I have maintained a squeaky clean criminal record. In no way am I bragging about that since a person shouldn't have a record to begin with, but I feel lucky because I have done some things that probably should have had my butt put in jail. I don't mean city jail, but "try not to become anyone's bitch and keep my soap tied around my neck" jail.

Avenging a friend: I have a friend named Mark who has to be the nicest guy in the world, and truly a gentle soul. Have you ever had a friend that you never had a argument with, a friend that wouldn't hurt a fly? OK, that's Mark. So you can understand my extreme anger when I found out that this douchebag named Terry had pulled a gun on Mark. Apparently Terry said it was all a joke, but maybe it's me but I don't find being in front of a 357 Magnum as "humorous". Looking back, I'm embarrassed to say, I actively began looking for Terry. One night I saw him in a club that I used to go to. I step to him and say, "How in the fuck are you going to pull a gun on Mark you bitch ass motherfucker?" He gave me a mean look and said, with a fake New York accent(the guy lived in New York for a year and all of a sudden he is "representing Brooklyn", fronting jackass) "I know you ain't trying to step to me Critic, if you don't step off I..." Before he can finish his sentence I chop him in the throat and say, "Shut the fuck up!" As Terry is hunched over grasping for air I bend down beside him and say, "That shit looked like it hurt, it sucks to be you right now. Don't fuck with Mark anymore, OK tough guy" What I didn't know is that some cops were working the club that night and they rushed me, put handcuffs on me, and hauled me to a cop car. While I am in the backseat of the cop car I noticed that we were driving for about half an hour. Fearing that they were going to take me somewhere and kill me, or try to anally penetrate me, I clinch my buttcheeks and say, "Where in the fuck are we going?" The cops inform me that they won't arrest me, that they hate Terry because he is a known drug dealer, and that they wanted to make my "arrest" look believable. That is the first time where I enjoyed being in the presence of police officers.

I rock spots like a Crackhouse: I used to be cool with a drug dealer named Paul. I knew better than to hang with him but I was young and foolish. He wanted to hang out one night so we went down to the beach to meet some girls. Before that Paul informs me that he has to stop by his friends house, which I thought seemed completely harmless. As I sit on the couch of this unfamiliar apartment I get a strange feeling, and I smell a awful burning smell coming from upstairs. All of a sudden it hits me, "I'm in a motherfucking crackhouse!!" I quickly go outside and prepare myself to curse Paul the fuck out because I am pretty sure that Paul was a crackhead.. All of a sudden Paul gets thrown out the door, maybe by a customer that didn't want to pay. I start to help Paul out but the guy takes off. Here I am, chasing some guy down the strip on a crowded Friday night. I had no beef with him but my anger was fueled by the mere fact that his ass had me running over 10 blocks. I tackle him, kick him, and right when I'm about to hit him cops grab me. It seems that I had tackled this crackfein in front of the beach police station, how stupid. Good thing is nothing really happened, and the cops let me go after a while.

Let it flow: Another beach story. At one time, when hanging at the Oceanfront in Virginia Beach Va, there was absolutely no place to urinate after 2 AM. So I decided to relieve myself behind a Bush, where I thought I was totally secluded. I was wrong, as a female officer tapped me on my shoulder mid-stream. She said, "Aren't you going to stop?" I replied, "Hell naw, I'm already caught and I had like 10 beers. You can shake it when I'm finished though." I learned quickly that you don't say that shit to a female cop, and after I was finished she threw me against her cop car. I kind of liked it though, but that's just me. Again, cuffs were applied but at the end of the day I just got a ticket. From that point on it is my fantasy to have a woman dress in a police uniform.

Slow Down: I was at a party near my house where I got totally inebriated. I knew that I shouldn't of been driving, but since my house was like 3 miles away I decided to risk it.(Don't drink and drive, please!) Apparently I had a lead foot because when the officer pulled me over he informed me that I was doing 85 in a 45. I am certain that the cop knew I was drunk, but possibly let me go with a reckless driving ticket because I was about a few blocks from my house. Since that cop gave me a break the last thing he would expect would be for me to fight the ticket, but I got the best lawyer money could buy. When he saw me in court with legal representation I could see his anger, but fuck him because who wants a reckless driving charge on their record and insurance? The first time I lost, and I was going to just pay it and call it a day. But my lawyer, Bill Maclanon told me that I should "fight for your rights brother, show them that they can't hold a brother down." Which made me giggle because a) I knew he wanted another 500+ dollars from me and b)My lawyer is a 70 year old white guy. We go back to court with a few aces in my pocket. Not only did I bribe a mechanic to write a written form saying that my speedometer was off by 35 miles an hour, but when we walked in my lawyer got the utmost respect from the judge and the other lawyers. "It's good to see you Bill" they said and I knew I had this in the bag. The judge ruled "not guilty" and I looked over at the cop and steam was coming from his scalp. Dressed in a overpriced suit I looked at the cop, put a toothpick in my mouth, and gave him a quick wink. It was definitely my "John Gotti" moment.

Saving a republicans ass: The last time I had cuffs on me was about the same time that me and my childhood friend had reconnected after not seeing each other for 8 years. My friend Danny had called me and said that he was drunk, he needed a ride home, and about 5 guys wanted to beat his ass. I rush over right before Danny became a human punching bag. The cops must have been called because as soon as I squared up to punch a dude the cops showed up. They hauled a few of us in the cop car, but the funny thing was all of the guys in the cop car that got arrested with me were telling the cops that I was innocent. At the end of the day I was released without anything on my record, so I was lucky. But when we first got to the police station one of the officers wanted to beat me with his nightstick. Why did he want to beat me you ask, here are a few reasons:

1. When I was in the backseat of the cop car I kept saying, "I smell bacon!! I smell bacon!!" I was inebriated by that point so my judgment was off.
2. I kept quoting Robert DeNiro in "The Untouchables" when he said, "You're nothing but a gun and a badge! You're nothing but a gun and a badge!"
3. I started singing that KRS One song.. "When they arrest a black man, they need 30 cops or mooooore well now!
4. Along with a whole bunch of other songs dedicated to cops. "Black Cop", "The sound of the police", and "Fuck the police"

HumanityCritic's guide to being on TV

I'm not the biggest fan of talk shows or reality TV, but I have caught my fair share of them over the years. Sometimes I sit there in amazement because of the blistering idiocy people on these shows display. Here are a few helpful hints, if you ever find yourself on one of these shows.


Cheaters: OK, your girl thinks you are cheating so she hires the investigative team of this show to basically monitor your every move. They have followed you around, took surveillance of you on dates with other women, filmed you going inside the "other woman's" house making out..Brother, your monkey ass is officially caught

Helpful hint: If the crew of the show "Cheaters" rolls up on you while you are with your mistress and your wife/girlfriend is acting hysterical, don't do the following: Man: But baby, I love you! Who is this you say?? This is my friend, nothing is going on. I love you baby, wait. Wait! You have surveillance of me having sex?? That wasn't me! Please baby, please". My advice: If you get ambushed you should just take off immediately. Don't say a word, run to your vehicle as fast as you can. You save face, and you can beat your girlfriend home and salvage your belongings that she planned to burn.

The Real World: This show gets wacker by the year, but there is one thing I have noticed over the tenure of this show. There are always a couple of cast members that "get together" immediately and that is a big mistake:

Helpful hint: If you are on this show and there is someone on the cast that you want to get close to, it is in your best interest to wait! The reason is because if you get with somebody immediately and things go south you will have a bitter ass, player hating roommate that is constantly talking shit about you for your entire time there. My advice is to wait until the last couple of weeks of the show to, and I quote a classic Ice Cube line, "knock those boots from here to Albuquerque". It will save you a shitload of trouble.

Fear Factor: I don't have any advice for being on this show but something funny just came to mind. I had a friend whose girlfriend went on this show last season. The reason why this is relevant is because he is always telling me when he gives her "oral pleasure" that she doesn't reciprocate. According to him, she says that fellatio is disgusting and that she will never provide him with that pleasure. When he told me that I said, "Wait a minute. Your girl won't go down on you but she feels comfortable eating monkey testicles on national television for money?? Dude. you seriously have to re-evaluate your relationship" We all laughed, but I saw him thinking about what I said. What kind of shit is that??


Maury Povich: Just think there was a time and place when this guy was considered a serious journalist. This show makes me mad simply because of the bottom feeders that appear on this program. The funniest thing is when you have a woman who doesn't know who the father of her child is.

Helpful hint: Ladies, you know damn well that you were fucking like 12 guys when your child was conceived. Don't act all shocked when the first group of guys you hauled out on stage isn't the father of your brat. My advice is to keep that shit private because when you are on the show for the 5th time, and you are on your 15th possible father, that shit isn't sexy.


Ricky Lake: This show is another example of the decline of civilization as we know it. This show has so many clueless people on it I often wonder if they hired actors, because people can't be that stupid. A great example is when men are on the show that are accused of cheating.

Helpful Hint: I don't know if the men on this show are aware that they are on the show for cheating or not, but come on fellas.. When you are in the green room and a beautiful woman starts flirting with you don't you think that you are being set up? I mean, most of these guys look like Biz Markie so what makes you think that a beautiful stranger would let you fondle them within five minutes?? But these guys fall for the bait, and they show the footage to their wife while she's on stage, ignorant motherfuckers.

Judge Judy: I'm sorry but I absolutely hate all judge themed shows. Primarily because the judge tends to grandstand because the camera is on, which is understandable because it is entertainment, but it is irritating because they wouldn't say half the shit they say if it was a actual courtroom.

Helpful Hint: Judge Judy is the worst because you can be respectful to her, and her ass will call you stupid or find another way to disrespect you. My advice: When she comes out her mouth wrong at you just say the following "Bitch, who in the fuck are you talking to?? I might be in here because I owe my ex some rent money, but I am into some thug shit for real. How would you like it if I beat you and your bailiff with your gavel? (Ripping off shirt, quoting Denzel from Training Day) King Kong ain't got shit on me!" Granted, it would get you kicked out of court and the show might not even air it, but just imagine how good you would feel.

Jumping out of the Closet

A few months ago I mentioned in a post that I am one of those guys who people feel that they can just open up to, express their deepest feelings. Well, besides being a person that certain individuals have felt obliged to come out of the closet to, I have also been present to some very public displays of people expressing their new found gayness. From day one, since I started my blog, I have shared very personal stories for the world to see. Here are a few examples of real life situations that I have gone through.

My cousin Sean: I got a call from my mother about 4 oclock one morning. When you get a call that early you figure that someone died, or some national tragedy just happened. She says, "Critic, guess what??" Half asleep I say, "What mom?? Do you know what time it is?" She informs me that my cousin Sean just came out of the closet, with a sort of disbelief in her voice. I say to my mom, "Ma, I knew Sean was gay from the time he was 10 years old!!" She asks me to explain because she never noticed and I say the following: "Mom, when we were playing basketball he was playing double dutch. When we were playing with G.I. Joe he was collecting Pound Puppies. Remember when he used to wear his mother's dresses and high heels? He only had friends who were girls growing up, and when I paid a stunningly beautiful woman 60 bucks to "make the moves on him" when he was 20 he acted as if she had a contagious disease. Mom, Sean is gayer than Ru Paul at a gay pride parade singing show-tunes."

Homophobic Dad: Growing up, my friend Mitch had a dad that was a huge homophobe. When we would play football and someone made a mistake you could hear him in the distance saying, "What are you a fag??" For the past 20 years I came to realize his hatred for homosexuals, even expressing how he wanted to see all of them killed. His extreme views always made me uncomfortable, because I always felt that he possibly felt the same way about African Americans. As time passed, and I got bigger and more of an asshole, I used to challenge his very homophobic views. I used to tell him that I thought he was gay since 80% of his conversations were about homosexuals, which made him furious. I used to say, "Look at the stretch marks around your lips, your fruity ass isn't fooling anybody!" That used to get him irate. Fast forward to 2003 at his 60th birthday party where he told everyone in attendance that he had a announcement to make. He gathers everyone together, brings his lover out, and informs all of us that he is gay. I have to admit that he seemed at peace with himself and a big burden was lifted from his shoulders. But I couldn't let it go. I told him, in front of the crowd "Wait a minute, I had to hear the most hateful homophobic shit ever uttered and your ass is gay? What the fuck? I am glad that you came out the closet but let me be the first to say that you are a motherfucking asshole! You sorry son of a bitch!" OK, I was kind of drunk, but the intent was pure. He talked to me later and ironed things out, but when someone that you know is highly homophobic they might just play for the pink team.

Ex-girlfriend: In college I was in a intense relationship with a woman name Juanita. Even though I was in the middle of my "whore" phase, I tried my best to maintain the monogamy and treat her with the utmost respect. Along the way I made my mistakes like cursing out her dad when he told me that he was a black republican, throwing a drink in her homegirls face when she said that Juanita should leave me, and beating up her male friend when he said the wrong shit to me. That isn't that bad is it?? Youthful indiscretions is how I would categorize it. We dated a while but after about a year she broke up with me. I was crushed because I actually saw a future with her. About 3 years later I see her at a club with her "life-partner". She tells me that she always knew that she was gay and that she had recently came out of the closet. A feeling of relief came over me, and I said: "Wow, so you always knew you were gay?? That means that the reason our relationship ended wasn't because of me but because of your suppressed lesbian feelings. It is good to know that it wasn't my fault" Then she quickly put me in my place with the following rant: "Critic, we broke up because you were a first class asshole, my "gayness" had nothing to do with our separation. Come to think about it you were such a piss poor boyfriend that it's my theory that you drove me to my alternate lifestyle!" A few moments of discomfort passed and she said, "I'm kidding, you didn't make me gay but you were a asshole" Damn..

Everybody Loves Raymond: While in college I had a few things that I lived by. 1)That Hip Hop will never die 2) I have a obsession with breasts and think thighs 3) That black republicans should be slowly tortured and 4) That my friend Raymond was a bad motherfucker. For one thing, the guy could talk the drawers off a nun, totally unbelievable. Also, he was the toughest guy that I have ever known. One night I saw him take on two big bouncers and had them on the ground in less than a minute. This other night I was about to get my ass kicked by 4 frat guys that had me surrounded, until Ray saved my black ass by beating all of them with a pool stick. Maybe its because he was a couple of years older than me, but he was definitely a person that I looked up to. Ray was also the most popular guy on campus, I used to call him "Norm from cheers" because everybody seemed to know his name. One night he called me over to his apartment because he had something to tell me. When I get there he has tears streaming down his face, asking me to sit down. He sobbingly tells me that he has been living a lie and that he was indeed gay. At the time I remember thinking that I was honored that he would confide in me with that information. But then I asked, "But your a pimp Ray, what about all the girls you talk to?" He informs me that that was just a ruse, and that he never was intimate with any of the girls I saw him with. I was shocked, but I was proud of myself because my opinion of Ray never changed.

On This Day..

On this day in 1877, Emile Berliner came up with a invention that would be the most important piece of equipment for the almighty MC. That invention was the MICROPHONE.

Sexcapades Gone Wrong

During the tenure of my time writing in this blog I have discussed some of the most intimate details of my personal life from painful memories, my love for Hip Hop, embarrassing moments, and things that I need to correct about myself. The following post will continue my tradition of airing out my dirty laundry, which at the end of the day could prove to be quite embarrassing. Fuck it, here are examples of some embarrassing moments in my sexual history.

Say my name, Say my name: I dated this one woman named Rosa and she thought I was the funniest person on earth. I am not that funny, but when I cracked the simplest joke she would burst out in laughter for about two minutes. It was kind of irritating. Another problem with our "relationship" was she always thought I was kidding, which was frustrating in itself. One night, right in the middle of "bumping ugly's", I called Rosa by the wrong name. I immediately stopped and waited for her to go ballistic, looking in her eyes preparing for the onslaught. Then she said, "Boy you are so crazy, stop playing around." What are the chances of a woman not getting mad at being called the wrong name?? Even though I got lucky, I still felt ashamed that I disrespected her with my faux paus.

If the glove don't fit...: At one time I was involved with a woman whose boyfriend had left her and moved across country. We dated for a while, and I was actually happy that we had waited before we consummated the relationship. We get back to her house after a night on the town and we get hot and heavy. I realize that I don't have any condoms and tell her that I'm going to the store to get some. She tells me that her ex had a drawer full and to reach in and grab one. I do just that, but apparently her ex was hung like a horse on steroids. It says, "Magnum Supreme" or some shit on the side and I tell her that I have to use the bathroom. I tried the condom on and lets just say that a man shouldn't go for the "baggy look" when using a prophylactic. This condom was so big I bet you money that her ex had to have a team of tailors to make this motherfucker. I am happy with my size, but I have never felt so inadequate in my life. I must have been in that bathroom for five minutes, trying to figure out how I can finesse this situation. The best I could come up with as I left the bathroom was to tell her, "I'm going to the store because this kind of latex breaks me out." As the words left my lips I realized that it was the weakest thing ever said in history. I get back from the store and we do our thing, if this was a basketball game I would say that I put up a double-double. Not bad, but minutes later ole girl starts giggling and I ask her what in the fuck is she laughing at. She said, "I wanted to see what you were going to do when I gave you those huge condoms, my ex was like 11'and I didn't expect you to be the same size as he was." I then said," He was 11'?? That guy didn't have a penis he had a kickstand!!."

You-can't-be-me-I'm-a pornstar: When I was in college, I dated a girl who had serious aspirations of becoming a pornstar. The same way people talk about becoming a architect or a doctor, she would tell me that her goal in life was to be one of porn's premiere stars. At the time I thought it was a joke since she had a very odd since of humor. But during our sexual episodes I noticed some evidence that made me believe her goal of becoming a porn star. For one thing, her moans and screams seemed so theatrical that many times I had to say to her in a polite way, "Shut the fuck up!" Then when she was on top she would turn around and look at a "imaginary camera" as if someone was filming the whole thing. Even more hilarious would be the fact that she would use strictly porn terminology like "cock", "rod", "shaft", "man-meat" and "beefstick". There was one good aspect of that whole situation though, she always kept me giggling so it kept my mind off of "climaxing", lengthening my performance time. I wondered if she ever fulfilled her dreams..

What in the fuck is that smell?: This is a bit crass but here goes. I had a brief relationship with this girl who went to a neighboring High School when I was a Sophomore, but she moved away and we wrote letters to each other until we got to college. We both had planned to go to "college weekend" at Bush Gardens so we can meet up, catch up on old times, maybe a little extra. We both had rooms in the same hotel so after a day at Bush Gardens we went to our rooms to freshen up, then do a little "late night whatnot". I go to her room and we get right into it, and she gives me passionate "mouth hugs" for minutes. When she was finished I felt that I should reciprocate. But there was a slight problem, when she took off her pants there was a smell that could of woke the dead. Remember when you were a kid watching cartoons, and the image of a bad smell would turn into a fist and hit someone over the head? That's what happened to me, and I didn't know how to tell her that her shit wasn't quite right. But one thing was certain, I don't care if you numbed my tongue, gave me a gas mask, and got me high as a Kite I wasn't going nowhere near THAT. I tried to make some excuse about how I suddenly didn't feel well and that I had to lay down. She blocked my exit and kept asking me why I was leaving and I still couldn't tell her the truth. She interrogated me for a few more moments until the truth came out, and I will always regret that I said the following: "You want to know the truth?? OK, you ain't fresh down there, how's that?? You don't smell that?? I have smelled better scents from week old road kill. The stench is so bad I actually think that I can taste it!" Lets just say that is the last time I saw that High School flame.

Quote of the Month

Nas, when asked if he would respond to 50 cent's diss track entitled "Piggy Bank"

"I need a good opponent to go after, then it's all good. The game is looking terrible. It's a lot of guys out here, 'CB4' gangstas, making the rap game look bad.

HumanityCritic holds a Mirror up to Himself

I have spent a considerable amount of time criticizing black republicans, wack MC's, women who disagree with premarital sex, and a plethora of other victims during the tenure of my blog. Well, it's about time that I hold the mirror up to myself because my excrement stinks too. Here are some examples of some bad habits/tendencies that I have:

I am a snob: Its the truth, and a hard thing to admit. During a conversation, if you expose to me that you like a wack form of entertainment(i.e Jah Rule fan, your favorite movie is "Diary of a mad black woman") I wrongly assume that you should never be trusted when it comes to your opinion on anything. I was talking to a woman that seemed to be rather intriguing, but when she informed me that "Jah Rule was the best rapper ever" she started sounding like Charlie Brown's teacher to me.(Whah-Whah) I shouldn't be so judgmental.

I suffer from road rage: It's not as bad as you think, I feel that my fits of road rage are basically a vehicular version of turrets. If the light turns green and the person doesn't immediately go, I honk my horn and yell "Hurry the fuck on!". If a person is in front of me and fails to turn because they are busy making a phone call, I may simply yell "Get off your cell phone Jackass!" Those aren't really bad examples, here come the kicker. I was taking my mother to church one Sunday and I very innocently honked my horn when a couple were busy talking at a green light. The couple were enraged and pulled beside me, both of them sticking up their middle fingers as the man says "Fuck you asshole". I quickly blurted out, "Fuck you and your dirty whore of a wife!" I slowly turned to my mother and the look of horror on her face not only made me quickly apologize, but to be honest it was priceless. Sorry mom.

I am argumentative: Maybe this comes from being the youngest child, trying to get a word in. Maybe it comes from me defending myself from my father's "You ain't shit" rants growing up. I don't know, but it's hard for me to let shit go. My friend Danny, who I have mentioned before is a die hard republican, but he hardly discusses politics because he knows how passionate about it I am. But that doesn't stop some of his friends from talking about it. One night out one of his friends started spouting Republican racism, approaching topics like welfare and implying that all black folks were lazy. Danny looked at me, knowing that I was going to tear his friend a new one. After citing facts and figures debunking all of his idiocy, I implied that his parents were siblings and compared him to a steaming pile of excrement. Lets just say that Danny doesn't have him hang around us anymore.

I am a hypocrite(part 1): I always say that I don't care what people think, I say this with pride. For the past few years that has pretty much been my motto. A few months ago it snowed here in Va, closing many bars that me and Danny wanted to go to. The only bar that was open was a gay bar that was up the street from our neighborhood. I didn't even think about going there, but Danny had suggested that we go. Anyone that knows me knows that I am the furthest thing from a homophobe, but I was totally against going. Danny asked why, even saying "What's wrong Mr. Liberal, I thought you were about inclusion." My point, at the time, wasn't about not wanting to be around gay people. I explained that if I saw someone in there that I knew, possibly some girl who might go in there occasionally, I couldn't simply say I was in there getting a drink because she would think I was lying. I felt that way because I used to frequent a lesbian club, because I liked seeing chicks make out.(I am a typical guy) When I used to see girls in there that I knew to be straight and they said that they were "just getting a drink", i always thought they were full of shit. We never went to get a drink, but it just shows that I DO care what some people think. That sucks.

I am a hypocrite(part 2)- Now that I am getting older, I feel that violence is unnecessary. Years ago I used to fight every weekend, willing to knock some clown out that said the wrong thing. I constantly say how "I am 31, and that part of my life is over", and it is but I noticed that sometimes I am a big phony. One night I went to a function where this dude was starring at me the whole night, looking intense. After about 2 hours of him giving me constant stares, I walked over to him and said "Do you want my number motherfucker? I am just wondering since you have been looking at me like I am a home cooked meal!" Come to find out the gentlemen was a friend of my father's, and he was trying to figure out if I was who he thought I was. I felt like a thug, and I hope that I can work on my anger problems.

I curse way too much: Truth is I love curse words. People tell you that cursing is used by individuals who lack vocabulary, but let me tell you that that theory is bullshit. I feel confident in the plethora of words in my mental Rolodex, it's just that swear words are the proper seasoning to put on a sentence. But sometimes, I question my allegiance to my beloved curse words. One day I was playing one on one with some guy at the YMCA. As I played him, I would block his shot and say "Get that shit out of there!". I would shoot a three pointer and say, "Your bitch ass can't guard me! Who in the fuck is guarding me?" Along with a occasional "shit" and "fuck" when I would miss a shot. After we finished I was embarrassed when the gentlemen I was playing with introduced himself as "Father Richard Green". He gave me a flyer to his church and laughingly said that I need Jesus.

5 Flicks on top of my Cluttered movie Collection

If people didn't already know I am a certified movie fanatic. It doesn't matter the genre, if it looks interesting to me you better believe I will go out of my way to see it. Admittedly, I am somewhat of a movie snob. A snob meaning that I will openly question your I.Q if you hate a movie that I love, and I will openly wonder if your parents were siblings if you love a movie that I hate. Some asshole tendencies are hard to get rid of. There are a stack of DVD's that are in my entertainment center, so I decided to write about the first five that were on the top of stack. Here goes.


Clerks(1994)- Kevin Smith's first movie about the life and times of "Dante Hicks" and "Randal Graves", two 20 something slackers who work as convenience store clerks. This movie is totally hilarious, from situations ranging from Dante's girlfriend saying that she had intercourse with two men only to reveal that she had given oral "pleasure" to 37 men, Dante and Randal closing the store to attend a wake where Randall accidentally knocks the coffin over, and for all you Star Wars fans there is a plethora of references just for you. This movie displays Smiths gift of writing witty dialogue, and everytime I see it I laugh my ass off.

High Fidelity(200)- Starring John Cusack, who plays the owner of a record shop who recently got dumped by his girlfriend. He wanted to see where his relationships went wrong, so he tries to contact every girlfriend he ever had and try to figure out where he went wrong. Sometimes when the main character talks to the camera it can be a disaster, but it works wonderfully here. Jack Black is also in this movie, and personally I think that his role in this flick is his funniest performance he has given by far. This movie hits home for me personally, because through all his troubled relationships you see where he went wrong and I can relate.

Beat Street(1984)- I remember having my mother take me to see this movie and she was so foreign to the Hip Hop culture she probably would have had a better time at a dentist appointment. But being from Virginia, every bit of Hip Hop culture that I could soak in was important. I had cousins from Queens who would call me and relate stories to me about the blossoming Hip Hop scene in NY, and I was always kind of jealous that I didn't have any "..and then we had a street jam in the park" stories. The break-dancing, the culture, the music of beatstreet left me in awe as a kid. To this day, for no reason at all, I will be with some friends and scream "Ramo!! Ramo!!!". Classic.


Fight Club(1999)- Fight Club is my personal barometer to finding out whether a person is a idiot. When I hear people say, "I didn't get that movie" I automatically want to put a dunce cap on them because the flick wasn't difficult to figure out. It was pretty self-explanatory. On the surface, someone would simply say that "Fight Club" was about a bunch of dudes who started beating each others ass in a basement. But if you pay attention, it is a pretty good commentary about materialism and how things you own "end up owning you". David Fincher's directing style is just awesome, and I personally think that Brad Pitt is one of the most underrated actors because of the medias focus on his looks.


Hollywood Shuffle(1987)- Robert Townsends comedic look at Hollywood and the problems that a black actor has with finding a respectable role. This movie is 17 years old, but it is still relevant today since black actors still have the same problems as 1987. From the "Black Acting School" skit where white instructors teach African American actors how to "walk and talk black", too funny. Some scenes are uncomfortable, like when a casting director asks Townsend while he is auditioning to "poke your lips out" and "talk blacker", but art is supposed to provoke thought. One of my favorite movies, hands down. (I would also suggest that you watch "Bamboozled")

My Fond Sports Memories and a Bullshit Sports Media

For as long I can remember I have been passionate about sports. From the first time my father signed me up for pee-wee soccer I had a competitive drive for winning and annihilating the competition. Even though I had to be the worst soccer player to ever breath is beside the point, I learned a great deal about teamwork. From there I played pee-wee basketball, baseball, and football eventually developing into a pretty decent athlete. Track and Field was my first love in High School, specializing in the long jump where I was one of the best long jumpers in the city. Now that Thursday afternoon track meets are a distant 14 year memory, I still have a love for sports that is only surpassed by my love for my mother, hip hop, and loose women.

Now, I play basketball on a regular basis, even practicing new moves as if I am preparing to try out for a team or something. It's pretty sad shit now that I think about it. From reading the sports section of the paper, watching Sportscenter religiously and browsing sports sites online I have become well versed in most sports. Hell, I can even have a halfway decent conversation about Hockey. But something has become apparent to me over the past 10 years; our sports media is incompetent and racist. Let me explain:

Full Disclosure: I am a Lakers Fan. First we have Kobe Bryant. The sports media has been on a two year campaign to drag this guy’s name through the mud. People say, "But he deserves it, he was accused of rape and he broke up the Lakers." I respect that, but lets break it down. Michael Jordan was not only a cheater, he was hit with palimony suits, and his gambling addiction probably had his father killed (my theory). Still, Michael is beloved. If your problem with Kobe is his legal problems, then I quickly point you to Ray Lewis who was accused of killing two guys. Still, Lewis is one of the NFL's poster-boys. If your problem with Kobe is that he is a "jerk", then I bring up an incident where Michael Jordan viciously beat up John Paxson during one of their practices. I seriously believe, in my heart of hearts, that Kobe is villanized simply because he had sex with a white woman. Right or wrong, I think that if Kobe's accuser was black he wouldn't be under the same scrutiny. It's 2005 but there are still many people who don't like to see a black man with a white woman and the media has gone out of their way to publicly castrate him. The problem, similar to the media myth that John Kerry was a "flip-flopper", is that the sports media proceeded in duping many black folks into hating Kobe in the process. Lastly on the subject of Kobe, I hate when I hear people say "Kobe had a squeaky clean image and he turned out to be something different." I ask, when in the world did this nation become a bunch of whining fucking 5 year olds? Newsflash fuckers: The Easter Bunny and Santa Claus don’t exist either. Lebron James seems to be a very well rounded young man…but if it came out that he had a weed addiction and starred in a porno it wouldn't surprise me. It wouldn’t surprise me because I am a adult who understands that someones "public image" just might be bullshit.

Randy Moss is another example. When he walked off the field during the last seconds of a game that was totally inexcusable. The media coverage that followed was belligerent and wildly idiotic. When he mock "mooned" the crowd you had announcers acting like he had just murdered somebody. There was this one ESPN anchor that was so "outraged" that he refused to say Randy Moss' name. He has had off field problems, but so have about 50% of the NFL. Moss will be traded to the Oakland Raiders, apparently because the Vikings had it with his "behavior". This might be good for Moss, to play for an owner that has a long history of having functioning testicles, something that the sports media and other NFL owners tend to lack.

Barry Bonds' coverage also annoys me to death. I am kind of torn on whether he actually took steroids. But one thing is true, as long as the league doesn't have a positive Steroid test from Bonds, all the speculations and "black clouds" surrounding Bonds'legacy is irrelevant. I don’t care if they produce a picture with Barry Bonds juggling steroids in front of the Balco Labratories; it doesn’t mean shit if you don’t have a positive test. My specific problem with the Sports Media concerning Bonds is when people suggest that an asterisk be put beside Bonds' name because of the steroids speculation. Not only is this ridiculous from the jump because of the speculation but may I suggest that they put an "asterisk" beside every championship and record before 1946 because there weren't any black players in the league? How can those accomplishments be legitimate if they didn't compete with black talent?

Terrel Owens and the Super Bowl come to mind, simply because I have noticed that sports announcers play the "adjective game" whenever they get the chance. When Owens rehabbed his ankle and expressed how he desperately wanted to come back and help his team in the Super Bowl announcers called him "selfish" and "arrogant". That infuriates me, because I remember when Bret Farve came back from an injury faster than he should have to help his team, announcers praised Farve and being "brave" and a "true warrior". What in the fuck did I miss here??

Lastly, let me take this time to bash black sports reporters. There are definitely qualified and exceptional black sports reporters out there so excuse me for the generalization. But for all you weak willed, hand trembling variety of black sports reporters that may read my blog, the next few sentences are directed at you. I feel that many of you are similar to black police officers that I have encountered in my lifetime. At first glance a person would think that you would at least be fair to someone that looks like you. But simply because you don't want to be thought of as giving preferential treatment to a black person you go out of your way to mistreat and disrespect. That is what the black sportscaster does. Concerning Kobe, Owens, Moss and Bonds the ones screaming the loudest tend to be the black sports reporter. I miss the days when sports was so simple and I didn't how how incompetent the media was. Ignorance sure is bliss.

My Long Trek to Orlando..On a BUS!!

(Act 1)Spring 2001: I was in a very dangerous place, scary in fact. My father had just died, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, and I had just been dumped after being in a relationship for five years. Disregarded for another man, which made matters even worse. I felt a combination of hurt feelings and foolish pride. Hurt because something that was a daily routine was coming to a end, and I had a hurt male ego because another man was going to make the woman that I love moan and scream while I contemplate throwing myself off a bridge. Looking back those feelings were so unlike me, possibly because I didn't really care about anyone until that point so the new feelings of hurt and betrayal were foreign to me. Sitting around constantly thinking about it was driving me crazy so I knew that I had to get out of town.

I had a friend name Jill who lived in Orlando Florida and I thought it was a great idea to check her out. OK, she wasn't really a friend, she was someone that I had met a a while ago but I kept it platonic simply because I was in a relationship. But now that I was single again, what better way to make myself feel better then to escape V.A and possibly get some unadulterated "out of town" sex. The trip to Orlando was unplanned, so unplanned in fact that I didn't reserve a hotel room or a rental car. So unplanned that I didn't go by plane, I decided to go by bus. I bought the bus ticket as I clinched a suitcase full of unfolded clothes, money, boxes of condoms, and about 20 little bottles of booze that would make the pain go away(albeit momentarily). I asked the cashier how many hours it was from Norfolk, Virginia to Orlando. She said, "with all the layovers and bus changes it's about 24 hours."

Jesus, 24 hours!!?? Well, I figured it would be therapeutic to have some time to myself and work some things out. As I looked out the window and as different scenery passed in front of my eyes, I silently wondered if this incredible pain would ever vanish. Between staring out of the window and sneaking sips of liquor, I had many interesting conversations with complete strangers. I don't know if the simple human interaction made me feel better, or the miserable state of affairs some of these individuals were in, but they definitely put my problems in the proper perspective.

I had a conversation with a woman named Gloria who had just had a sex change operation and her family was so furious that she claimed that they were trying to kill her(Her birth name was Gary). On a layover, I was in a freestyle session with a couple of Native American dudes who told me that they were trying to get a record deal and they were on their way to Miami.

A woman named Tracy sat beside me and through our conversation I learned that she had been a prostitute for 10 years. She said she had recently "stopped whoring" and it was her main ambition to get into the "pimping game." She even offered me a "mercy blow" because of my recent breakup. Tempting as it was, I politely declined.

There was a hour layover in some town in South Carolina, where I struck up a conversation with a woman named Diane. Diane was a sex therapist and she proceeded in asking me extremely personal questions about various topics. After about 15 minutes of intense interrogation, she told me that I was a sex addict and that sex is constantly on my mind. I responded, as nicely as I could, "No shit doc, You didn't need a PHD to tell me that!"

The last person that I met on my long journey was a 65 year old man named John. John looked just like Willie Nelson, no lie. He told me that he was active in the civil rights movement in the 50's and 60's, and that he was a Vietnam vet. When I told John that the only time I saw my father cry was when he told me how some white guys on his navy ship "cheered when JFK was killed", John also began to tear up. John was going to Orlando to visit his son, he seemed like a very nice man.


(Act 2)I arrived in Orlando, tired and irritated from the long ass bus ride that I had just taken. Jill said that she was going to pick me up so I waited at the bus station. After about a half hour she arrives and we were on our way. I told her that I needed to get a hotel so we searched for a vacant room, but apparently something was going on that weekend and everything was booked. Everything but the shittiest hotel room I have ever witnessed. No lie, the hotel that I stayed at was called "Howard Jones", not Howard Johnson but "Howard Jones". You get the idea, I wasn't exactly staying at the Ritz Carlton.

As soon as me and Jill entered my room it smelled like vintage ass and mildew, and a pimp was literally beating the shit out one of his "girls" next door. Jill says to me, "Critic, I have to tell you something." Looking rather frustrated due to the miserable state of affairs the room was in I said, "What is it??" She then informed me that she had a boyfriend, and she felt bad that she mislead me. "A boyfriend!", I said, "Why didn't you say something earlier, like before I got here!" She shrugged and give an insufficient response. In need of a drink, I pulled out some of my alcohol that I had in my bag. After about an hour we both got totally shit faced, and Jill was making advances toward me. I know that she had a boyfriend, but I figured since I will never see him face to face anyway then who cares. It was tye wrong thing to do, but I forgot about morals after me and Jill had a sweat induced hour of sin. She did things to me that would make a porn star brush, I have been crass on my blog before but even I can't specifically go there.

As Jill was leaving she tells me that her and her home-girl will be over at 9pm so we can go clubbing. It sounded good to me since I was definitely curious about the nightlife in the city. Around 9:30 the next evening I am dressed and ready to go and I hear someone honking the horn outside my room. I see its Jill so I venture out to her car, just knowing that this night will be one for the record books.

As I enter the automobile I immediately notice that a man is driving, then Jill says, "Critic, this is my boyfriend Mark." As I shook his hand I immediately felt like shit, knowing that I would be hanging with the boyfriend of a girl that 24 hours earlier I had her folded up like origami. On top of that, the guy ended up being one of the coolest guys on earth, which made me feel even more like a shit heel.

That night we went to various nightclubs and had a fantastic time. Avoiding a physical altercation that night was a must, not because I am grown and I know better, but because someone told me that if you get caught fighting in Orlando that they handcuff you to a tree until the bars close and the the cops take you to jail. I doubted the legitimacy of that claim, but I wasn't trying to find out.

I stayed in Orlando a few more days, seeing the city and conversing with the townspeople. Looking back it was so cathartic, it's like I was getting out of my own way. As I took the long bus ride back I felt so much better, even though I knew that the pain and the hurt would remain for some time. All the people that I talked to, the stories ranging from hope to despair, I realized what I experienced was a simple road bump on the roadway of life. Since then I keep my eyes on the road, and I drive anxiously awaiting what I will encounter next.

Beware of Killer Biscuits

(I got this from my friend Y. Massey)


KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER

AP-(Don't know if this is true)Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws. While there they went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. After grocery shopping, Linda stayed in the car while her in-laws went into another store. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

The NBA - "I hate this Game!"

Charles Barkley- “This is a hip-hop weekend not a NASCAR race.”

I have been a fan of basketball for as long as I can remember. I wasn't good enough or tall enough to play in High School so I stuck to track. But that didn't stop me from playing as much as possible, imagining I was Michael Jordan as I took it strong to the hoop. Currently I have a membership to the YMCA where I play at least three times a week, and I exhibit the same intensity and love for the sport as I did as a teen. Even though the average age of my opponent at my local YMCA is about 45 years of age or older, that doesn't stop me from blocking their shot and screaming "Get that weak shit out of here motherfucker!!" Man I love this game.

Also, for as long as I remember, I have been a fan of the NBA's All Star Game. Nothing beats seeing your favorite player participating in the dunk contest, or wondering who was going to dunk on who in the All Star Game. But sadly, the All Star Game has lost much of its luster due to my slipping interest in the NBA in general and the lack of big names that actually enter the Dunk contest

But this year I decided to watch the All Star festivities, not to reconnect with a pastime that I once enjoyed, but because I didn't have shit else to do. It was a pretty uneventful All Star weekend, the Dunk Contest lacked any Big names and the Three point contest was just as boring. But last night's All Star Game is what really caught my attention. The game itself was alright, nothing to write home about. Those games are pretty much summed up with no one playing any real defense, your favorite player not playing more than 15 minutes, sloppy passes, and someone being dunked on at least 5 times. My criticism is the music selection that the NBA used the entire weekend.

First off, they had R&B singer Tamia sing the Canadian National Anthem and she did a pretty good job. After that you'd expect them to bring out Patty Labelle or some other strong voiced R&B icon to sing the American National Anthem Right? Wrong. They had some Military Chorus Group sing the national Anthem. Listen, I know that we all support our brave men and women who risk their lives daily, but I don't want see their ass in a Chorus group making the National Anthem as boring a experience as listening to Queen Latifah's latest jazz album. I mean, Vanessa Williams sang the National Anthem at the Datona 500 for Christ sake! Even though they had Destiny Child as one of the featured performers, that didn't stop the musical catastrophe that would be the lineup for the entire night.

Destiny's Child performed, but every time I hear their song "Soldier" I want to to go out in public and brutally assault any man that considers himself a thug. To quote Sticky Fingers in the song "Slam", "but, but, but, but, wait it gets worse!!" The entire weekend consisted of performances from Leann Rimes, The Goo Goo Dolls, American Idol Kelly Clarkson, and a country group called Big and Rich. I know that the NBA is trying to reach out and get a broader fan base but Big and Rich?? I don't have any problems with each act specifically, but when a league is 92% black you would think that they would have musical talent that was more fitting with the make-up of the league. Hell, yesterday was the first time that I can think of where I wouldn't have minded if Nelly had performed.

The performance of Big and Rich took the cake. Sadly, I knew who Big and Rich were prior to their performance last night. To get a few cheap laughs, I will watch the country channel because Country and Western videos are as cheesy as Gospel Hip Hop videos. I am easily entertained. Anyway, I watched them perform last night and couldn't believe that the NBA would pick such horsehit talent.

After the performance Charles Barkley said that the country better get over the Janet Jackson "incident" because the talent that the NBA picked was horrible. He went on to say “This is a hip-hop weekend not a NASCAR race." Even though Barkley has a history of putting his foot in his mouth, occasionally he gets it right. Amen Charles.

A Idiots Guide To Cheating..

I know that this will be the most hated post I have ever written, especially from the females who view this blog. Let me apologize beforehand. OK, lets get down to business:

This post is dedicated to all the men who have ever cheated and been stupid about it. In no way do I condone cheating, and now that I'm older I see the cowardice in it. But I have had friends, 3 to be exact, come to me and tell me that they got caught recently. They shouldn't of cheated in the first place, but how stupid they were inspired me to write a guide for all the men who have ever been caught because of their utter stupidity..

1. I Don't want to meet your homegirl: If you are having a fling, meet as little of her associates/family as possible. It is one thing trying to avoid seeing the other woman when out with your main squeeze, but you don't want to worry about a shitload of siblings and yacking ass girlfriends.

2. Avoid any photo ops: For Christs sake, avoid being photographed with your "side thang". It is a small world, and for all you know she could be friends with your main girlfriends coworker, who happened to go to her house and see a picture of your dumb ass on the mantle. Avoid camera's.

3. Your brother is cool and all..: This goes to the main girlfriend or the fling..Don't be suckered in and befriend her brother, its a waste of time. I don't care how cool they are, because that one time at the club that you hang with him and you innocently flirt with a waitress he will go back and "dry snitch" that information quicker than Kobe Bryant snitched on Shaq.

4. Take both women to entire different places. This one is pretty obvious, but you would be surprised how many men take women to the exact same spots. I used to take dates to this restaurant that I liked. I took this one women there and the waiter comes back and says, "I'm glad that the both of you are back, its good to see you both." Problem with that is I had never taken her there before.

5.Keep your friends in the loop: When men are questioned they always blurt out some random friend that they were hanging with, assuming that his girl wouldn't check it out. But when she does check it out, your ass is officially caught. Plan shit out, inform your friend what the lie is in case she wants to verify your excuse. Women are better at this than men.

6.Different social circles: If your current girlfriend loves going to poetry slams, you might want to stay away from any fling that also loves going to poetry events.. They might have the same social circles and you will get caught quick-fast..

7.Keep you behavioral habits the same: Women can sense when her man is cheating, try to maintain the same routine that you have always kept. Any change in said routine and immediate red flags go up.

8.Think about changing your identity: If you have a common name like Joe or John it isn't really problematic. But if your name happens to be something uncommon like "Aluwishus" you might want to go by something more simple, in case your name is uttered someplace.(For example, when I was in college I was dating two Girls. One of the women went to buy me some jewlery from the other woman I was dating. They had a conversation about how funny it was that they both had a boyfriend named James, and I heard that same story from both of them later. If my name was "Aluwishus" I would of been caught..)

9. Keep the same sexual habits: If you are a pretty standard love maker, but all of a sudden you start pouring hot wax on chicks and bringing toys to the bedroom, your girlfriend will know something is up. Keep it the same and keep suspicions low.(Always, Always strap up!)

10.By all Means, Keep your mouth Shut!: The Biggest mistake guys have is they want to blab all of their sexual exploits to their buddies. This is problematic simply because your friends will go tell their girlfriend about your dirty deeds and you are as good as caught. Also, if your friend has a secret crush on your current girlfriend he will find a way to fuck your shit up..

Fear of a Black Owner..

If the other NFL owners OK the sale of the Minnesota Vikings to Reggie Fowler, he will be the first African American owner in NFL history. Do your thing brother.

White House Shill Exposed, Literally..

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Embarrassing moments in my Marijuana History

Even though it has been a great while since I have smoked marijuana, I have embarrassing memories of things that I have done while under the influence of said drug. It's weird, when it comes to alcohol I am friendly and pretty jovial when I've had one too many. But there is something about marijuana that doesn't agree with me. Here are a few true stories concerning my deplorable marijuana history.

Speed Racer: A few friends and I were driving home from a concert that we had went to. We had gotten high at the concert but the marijuana didn't kick in until we were half way home. I felt that I was speeding, and my friends kept telling me to slow down. I ignored them, and continued to race down the street. Then the cops pulled us over. When the officer approached me he said, "Son, do you know how fast you were going?" I said, "I don't know, pretty fast huh?" The officer gave me a bewildered look and said, "You were going 7 miles an hour!!!"

You know I love your momma!!: My ex's mother would call all hours of the night and basically have nothing to say. I secretly despised her but we all know to keep those sentiments to yourself when you are in a relationship. I had smoked some weed with my homeboy and I came to our apartment high as a kite. Around 3:30 in the morning her mother calls again with no agenda as usual. I answered the phone in a marijuana haze and said, "What in the fuck do you want?? Get a fucking life already!" As soon as those words left my mouth I knew I was in trouble, and I was. But I must admit, it was pretty cathartic to get my true feelings off my chest. We all should do that more.

Is there a doctor in the House??: My friend Alex was having a party to celebrate the engagement to his current wife Susan. During the course of the festivities a bunch of us got high in Alex's back yard. Everything was cool until I felt my heart racing. I played it off for a while, hoping that the rapid heart palpitations would calm down but they never did. I started to freak out, asking everyone in the party to check my pulse. I kept saying, "Don't let me die in this motherfucker!!" I was bugging out. I had a group of people around me praying like I was going to die. I scared the shit out of everyone who was in attendance. To this day I feel bad because I ruined what was supposed to be a very special occasion. Alex, if you read this blog, I'm sorry.

Last call for alcohol: I used to go to this specific bar all the time and this girl used to work there named Olivia. She was Cuban and was by far the finest physical specimen I have ever seen. I'm not insecure,(ok, maybe a little) but this girl was definitely out of my league. I would talk shit to her and it never worked, until one day she had said that she wanted to go out with me. So we went to dinner, a little dancing, alcohol..it was a pretty cool night. Then we get to her apartment and she pulled out some weed. Something told me not to but my dumb ass did anyway. As we got into it she gave me, well, what I affectionately call "the neck and the scalp massage"(mouth hugs, add your own obscure reference). While she was doing her thing I fell asleep. That night I learned that I snore and I can't be woken up if I have smoked weed. She told me that she put a condom on me and rode me while I was asleep. I don't believe that. But just think, I might of had sex with the most beautiful woman that I have ever seen, and I don't remember one second of it because I was asleep!! Shit..

Cursing out the Rev: Ok, you know earlier when I said that I hadn't smoked weed in a while?? Well, that was a lie. The weekend after the election I was still sort of in a state of anger because the country had just re-elected the "Barney Fife" of presidents. I was invited to a dinner party that a friend of mine was having, but before I went there I stopped by a friends house and got high. I didn't intend to, but I did. When I arrived at the party we got into a conversation about politics. This preacher went on about 10 minutes on how the country "chose right" when they re-elected Bush. He was saying that John Kerry was for abortions and that is why he told everybody who came to his church to vote for Bush. As he went on and spewed this bile, my temperature started to rise until I just exploded. In yet another marijuana haze, I said the following: "That has to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard. OK, people in your church are struggling, have members of their family that are in Iraq, unemployed, don't have health care.. and you tell them to vote for Bush because of "abortion"? You are a jackass! You and all those other "sweaty Baptists" I see on television Sunday morning, misleading their own people. You betray our trust!" The night ended with him saying something about me going to hell and me responding with some witty expletive. Lord, even though I don't think he was a legitimate messenger of yours, please forgive me..

HumanityCritic's Superhero Confirmation Hearing

News Reporter: I am standing outside of the Justice League Headquarters, where the confirmation hearing of the HumanityCritic will take place. Some people think that the humanitycritic has a uphill battle since he doesn't have any obvious superpowers. It should be an interesting day, lets go to the hearing:

Superman:(banging gavel) All right everyone settle down!! HumanityCritic, welcome!

HumanityCritic: Thanks

Superman: I'm not going to beat around the bush here. We don't think that you are qualified to be a superhero. Listen, when you bitchslapped Rush Limbaugh and made him weep we all applauded you for that. When you paid those ghetto chicks to beat the brakes off of Ann Coulter, we all had a huge laugh around the office. When you battled Bush on the White House lawn we all gave you mad love. But come on, those aren't superpowers..

HumanityCritic: Why not??

Superman: Well, it says here that your powers are "Dismantling black conservatives, promoting Real hip hop, loving loose women, and having the ability to leap strip clubs in a single bound." Is this a joke? These are not superpowers!

Spiderman: I agree. Superman can fly and has super strength. I can climb walls, shoot webbing and a ton of other shit. Batman, Wonderwoman, all bring something to the table. Reading your blog, the only thing you bring is your love of Hip Hip, hate for Bush, and you have been in a shitload of bar fights. Big fucking deal!

HumanityCritic: If I become a superhero, I think that I can offer a service to the community that none of you can. See, I'm a asshole, and I think that through my influence I can make people see that venting their true feelings can be very therapeutic, thus making their lives better..

Wonderwoman: Go on..

HumanityCritic: Not only that, these conservatives must be stopped. Most of you have tried to be non-partisan when fighting crime and I applaud that, I really do. But, I would work tirelessly to systematically show the pimp hand to whoever needs it. Bill O'Reilly getting out of control? I will go to his show and beat him in front of his viewers. A black conservative making you ill? Not only would he be on the business end of a pounding, I would tie his ass to a chair and force him to watch "Roots" on a 24 hour loop.

Batman: Not bad..

Wonderwoman: Pretty good.

Spiderman: Wait a minute!! Don't let him sway you.. You don't have any real superpowers!! We could make you a special suit, but you would just be a regular guy inside the suit. Then what would you be?

HumanityCritic:Batman??

Batman: Hey, take it easy..

Spiderman: Cute. Plus, if we make you a superhero you would just abuse your power in the first place..

HumanityCritic: True, I would a little. But you must admit, saying "You know I'm a superhero" has to be a instant panty dropper!

Aquaman: Works all the time bro!

Spiderman: Ok, I feel you on that. If we make you a superhero you would be even more mischievous than you are now. I am sure that you would cost the city millions of dollars due to your shenanigans!

Wonderwoman: You would be a embarrassment!

Superman: Think of all the lives you would risk..

HumanityCritic: Hold on! Spiderman, you have the audacity to talk about "costing the city millions." I'm not the one that leaves his webbing all over town, costing the city a fortune to clean that mess up. Plus it is disgusting, it looks like sperm that a giant might leave.

Spiderman:(clearing throat) Well..

HumanityCritic: Wonderwoman, I'd be a embarrassment? I'm not the one who moonlights at a job that clearly makes you the embarrassment of this entire group. I'm not going to say what job you do in your spare time, but the hooker boots and the skimpy outfits are a dead giveaway.

man in audience:(yelling) I thought she looked familiar, she works at The Flaming Vagina as a Dancer!!

Wonderwoman:(looking nervous): I'm not a dancer..

Batman: Well your ass does come to work with glitter all over your body, and certain days you do smell like a bums nutsack..

Wonderwoman: Your ass didn't complain about the "smell" last night!!

HumanityCritic: Superman, you are the most hypocritical of all

Superman: In what way??

HumanityCritic: You talk about me risking lives, but how about all the women you have killed over the past few years because you keep trying to fuck non-superhero women. The government has covered up hundreds of women that you have killed because you can't keep it in your pants..

Superman: Listen Jackass, I will break you like a twig. Who in the hell are you talking to? I am the strongest man in the world and you try to embarrass me? You know what, I'm going to end you now!!

(Superman begins to get up, but then HumanityCritic reaches in his pocket and tosses a piece of Kryptonite at him)

Superman:(nervously bobbling the Kryptonite, screaming like a bitch)

HumanityCritic: That's what I thought tough guy, sit your ass down!

Superman:(Breathing heavily, recovering from the Kryptonite): Ok, enough of this, we will deliberate and come back with our final decision:

(20 minutes later)

Superman: After a vigorous debate, one that I have lost, we Herby make HumanityCritic a honorary Superhero, Congrats HumanityCritic!!

(crowd erupts)

(Superman walks over to HumanityCritic and shakes his hand. Smiling, he whispers in HumanityCritics ear)

Superman:(whispering): If you ever try to play me for a fool again I will tear you to shreds mother fucker..

HumanityCritic: Ok

Superman: Say a few words to the good people of this city.

(HumanityCritic appraoches the podium)

HumanityCritic: I want to thank all the superhero's who voted me in, the people of this city who supported me, and my family. I want to thank Ray-Ray, little Suge, Big Hank at the barber shop..

Batman:(whispering to Wonderwoman) This miserable bastard is giving shout outs!

HumanityCritic: I plan to protect this city from the ills that plaugue it. Uncle Tom Negro's, Hip Hop detractors, women who don't give it up on the first date, shit like that. Also,..

Man in crowd:(standing up yelling) Get your damn hand out of my pocket!!

(HumanityCritic dives behind the podium.)

Superman:(helps HumanityCritic up) What is wrong with you??

HumanityCritic: Nothing, Don't worry about it..(goes back to the podium) Thank you everyone, I will do the best job possible.

(applause)

News Reporter: It's official, HumanityCritic is now a legitimate superhero. Black republicans, Jah Rule fans, and all around republican scum have something new to worry about... and that something, is the HumanityCritic!!!