If there is one thing that I love, what makes my world go round, is the sight of breasts, thighs, and legs. No I'm not talking about options on a KFC menu, I'm talking about the delicious sight of a woman's naked body. Even though I love seeing women in their birthday suits whenever possible, I have grown to despise strip-clubs and have expressed that fact on this blog before.(here) A friend of mine asked me how could I possible hate strip clubs, so I told him it is the same way you have religious people who hate the "going to church" aspect. I am simply a dude with a lecherous appetite for juicy backsides who hates strip-clubs. With all that being said, the following story is a true account of what happened Monday Night, from the hours of 11:00 to 12:30. I'm going to run this down like an episode of "24"(10:59:58,10:59:59, 11:00:00)
After having Mexican food with Danny and his wife, Danny drops her off and informs her that we are going out to have a few drinks. As we are driving down the street he asks me where do I want to go and I reply with the ever so friendly, "I don't fucking know!" When we hang out and look for someplace to drink we always act like we have a shitload of options, when in all actuality we frequent the same three or four bullshit dive bars. After a few minutes of driving around he suggests that we go to a strip club called "Aces". I tell him how much I hate stripclubs and lay out a well thought out and articulate argument proving my point. The funny thing about being a passenger is that articulate arguments are basically worthless, so off to "Aces" we go.
When we arrive at "Aces" I immediately tell that this is one of the better strip clubs in the area, from the overall look of the club it seemed respectable, for a stripclub that is. Danny and I proceed to order a couple of beers ,and as we sat at the bar and turned our chairs to the dancers we see two of the most posterior gifted ladies I have ever seen in my life. I immediately thought of the Sir Mixalot line "Even white boys have to shout!!!" when Danny said "Motherfucker man, look at that ass Critic!!" It seems that my lifelong friend, Fox News watcher, Rush Limbaugh listener, George Bush supporter is a fan of phat asses. There is hope for him yet.
(11:20:03. 11:20:04, 11:20:05)
We quickly sat down like kids playing a game of musical chairs, and pulled out shitloads of dollar bills. I talk shit about stripclubs all the time, but the two ladies on the runway had "car accident" asses. Meaning, you know that you shouldn't rubberneck but you can't look away, like that. The stripper who danced for me was a Puertorican girl named "B.J", she was cool but she talked my fucking ear off. At one point I wanted to tell her, "I just want to see you titties, not be given a stripper dissertation!". The stripper who danced for Danny was a white girl named "Carla" and lets just say she was definitely blessed "below the belt". I kept wanting to say something Highly stereotypical like "Do you have black in you?", making her say "No,why??", then forcing me to come back with the utterly repulsive "Do you want some?" So I just smiled and threw money her way.
Surprisingly the DJ was playing classic Hip Hop like EPMD, Dougie Fresh, and Tribe, I shit you not. Some dudes kept going over to his booth, suggesting lil' John or some shit like that, so I gave the DJ a twenty and said "Ignore those motherfuckers". As I sat back down, "B.J", while she was dancing for me, said "Talk dirty for me baby.." "Really?", I said and she nodded in agreement. Then I said, "OK. You dirty ass bitch, could you have washed your crotch before you decided to shove it in my face. I can literally taste that stench!" B.J stopped mid dance and said, "Not like that!". I knew what she was talking about but I just giggled to myself, not letting her know that I was joking. I can be a prick sometimes, but I'm sure she knew I was joking. I hope.
I glimpse over at Danny and his eyes are wider than Gorge W. Bush's were when he pulled all night coke binges circa 1975. Suddenly, as soon as the song was over, B.J and "Carla" got up and collected their money, then left the stage. I guess their "Stripper shift" was over and it was time for two new girls to take their place. By this time I am getting a good buzz and the music is making me chair dance, a sad site I know. My buzz was totally killed when I saw the strippers that came on next. One was OK, but the other looked like a skeleton with a thong on. I mean, this girl was so skinny that Sally Struthers should be on T.V pleading for her boney ass. I know I'm being harsh, but there is absolutely nothing sexy about a chick who's weight is probably south of 100, getting on a stage and doing anything half naked.
(11:45:33, 11:45:34, 11:45:35)
Me and Danny immediately get up and sit at the bar. I thought we did it in a respectable fashion until he let out an uncharacteristic "Hell Naw!" as we left the stage. The girl was pissed that we left, probably because we must of gave the previous dancers like 20 bucks each, so she screamed at us "That's fucked up!" I ignored her and continued getting shitfaced. They danced a few songs and the girl comes in my direction screaming like I had hit her or something. She is waiving her hands all over the place yelling, "Fuck you two punk motherfuckers! I don't need your money, Fuck yall! Fuck yall!" I politely smile and hope that this 5'6, 92 pounds of anger cools down sometime soon.
She pauses briefly and says, "Didn't you go to Kempsville High School, class of 91?." I said yes and then she said the following: "Your black ass used to torment me every day in school! You bullied my friends, you called me names, you ruined my self esteem for years!" Then I said, "I turned you into an anorexic stripper? Shit, what did I say exactly??"" She said, "Fuck you(exposing her middle finger) Look at me now! You couldn't break me asshole. Look at me now!" I then replied, "You are a fucking stripper who looks like crack cocaine is your drug of choice. I wouldn't really sell the rights to your biography as a "feel good story". Plus, I never bullied you, you got the wrong guy" Angrily she said, "Your name is Travis right?" I then angrily said, "no, my name isn't "Travis" and the mere fact that you fucked that up, being that our school had about 8 black people total kind of gives weight to my "you are a crack-head theory!"
The yelling caught the attention of the bouncers and other patrons. When I saw the bouncers approach me they didn't have a "lets see whats going on and peacefully end this" stance about them, they had a "lets beat this black motherfuckers ass just because" stance about them. I briefly tell them what happened but I notice that one of the bouncers is giving me an extremely evil look and he is inching behind me. I tell him "Don't you fucking get behind me" and position myself to where they are both in front of me. Danny is talking shit to them, and to the other "regulars" that are talking shit, but Danny couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag so I am alone in this. I grab a bottle, ready to smash it over the head of anyone that steps up, preferable the black "regular" wearing an extremely tight shirt.(I hate that shit) The owner comes out of no where and says that we should leave before there is any trouble, so I don't put up a fuss and leave.
As we are leaving we pass "B.J" and "Carla" as they are about to get back on stage. Having a stronger buzz than before, plus an adrenaline rush from almost getting my ass kicked, I had a lapse in judgment and asked Carla "Hey, do you have any black in you??" She said, "Can't a white girl have a phat ass?? Why do you ask?" Before I could give the response she smiled and said, "Don't you say it motherfucker!!", then the bouncers pushed us out the door. Walking to Danny's car backwards waiting for anybody to try and fight us I yell out, "I fucking Hate stripclubs!!!"
(12:29:58, 12:29:59, 12:30:00)
(*Disclaimer: Whenever I talk about religion on this blog, like I have witnessed in real life, people get totally bent out of shape. Look, I want an open discussion and your coments, positive or negative are always welcomed. But before taking things out of context, or seeing my post as a damnation to hell, just rememeber that you are reading the blog of a man that talks about "mouth hugs", "throatchgoppping dudes", and once wrote a post entitled "An idiots guide to cheating", so keep my previous behavior in mind when reading my daily ramblings: Thank you.)
Dennis Miller(1992)To new self: Wow, how the mighty have fallen. Look, I've never been the biggest star in the world, but I was a successful comedian who was a star on Saturday Night Live. I also had a respectable weekly talk show on HBO that ran for many years, how did you fuck all that up? It says here that you had a short stint on Monday Night Football. Football?? Who's bright idea was that? When I was on SNL, Farley and Sandler used to give me shit because I threw like a girl when we had work related events, I know squat about sports. What is this shit about you drastically changing your political beliefs and becoming a big George Bush cheerleader?? We always hated that douchebag, what gives? Not to be mean or anything, but your political talk show on CNBC sucks ass. I was once mentioned in the same breath with SNL greats like "Chase", "Belushi", and "Radner". Now I am mentioned in the same breath with the assholes like "Scarborough", "O'Reilly", and some bottom feeder named "Hannity".(Looking around for the person in charge) Can I kill myself, being that I am an earlier version of this prick, and stop this career debacle from happening? Look dude, even though your cinematic high point is "Bordello of Blood", that doesn't mean that you should pack it in and fuck our career up.
Bobby Brown(circa "Don't Be Cruel")To new self: Yooo! I know that I have always been a wild man, doing whatever I want, but I'm a fucking crackhead? Not only was I part of a popular teen group, then breaking out on my own being adored by women the world over, now I am simply known as Mr. Houston? How degrading. Current Bobby, why is the file that I'm holding have nothing but a shitload of mugshots in it? Have you lost your fucking mind? Also, why is it that the last hit we had was during the Bush administration, not "W" but his sorry ass daddy. You are a fucking embarrassment, and coming from me that is saying something. Cocaine, heroin, alcohol, you are a walking lab experiment man! I saw that "Behind the Music" special recently and I have to ask you this pressing question: What in the fuck have you done to my bottom lip?? Did we have a stroke or something? Man, this shit is depressing so I'm about to bounce. Shit, while you shoot up that lethal dose of Heroin between your toes, I will be backstage with a couple of hot groupies, knowing that in 16 years I am going to be a bona fide loser.
George W. Bush(1974)To new self: Run this by me again, I become president of the United States? No fucking way!! Is America stupid enough to elect a alcoholic coke head, who was also a C student at Yale to the presidency of the United States? Man, the country must really had a lapse of judgment to elect me to anything(sniffing cocaine off of a small mirror). It says here that your people made a war hero named John Kerry look like a coward during my presidential run in 2004. Didn't people know that we ran like a coward in 1973 and used my father's influence so I could get out of Vietnam, the mere fact that my people were able to paint a true blue vet as weak is amazing! People always said that our brother Jeb was the one that was destined for the White House, not me. (Taking a shot of Yeager, looking at file) What is this shit about our daughters being drunken whores? That ain't cool man. Besides the fact that you ignored terrorist warnings pre 911, invaded a country illegally, and turned record surplus' into a record deficit, who cares I become president! Yee-Haw!
If anyone of you ever finds yourself living in Virginia beach Va. like I do, a few things become evident. That being in a commonwealth state sucks ass, Chuck D referenced my town in his song *"Welcome to the terrordome", the city is pretty republican, and Pat Robertson is a miserable bastard. Sounds kind of harsh I know, but growing up here I have all this built up anger and frustration towards the host of the 700 club. CBN is literally a few miles away, so when I drive by I am tempted to do something immature yet political, like defecating on the lawn of the CBN building. I always think otherwise, not for fear of arrest, but fear of 4 or five bullets lodged in the deepest regions of my backside.
The Big Wheel: As a kid I was a master of the big wheel, beating my other friends whenever we raced. Whether it was skidding out with it or racing over bumpy terrain, people knew that I wasn't to be fucked with when it came to the almighty Big Wheel. I loved this toy, but there was a downside to it also. For one thing, when the big wheel wore out the plastic wheels would cave in and you would have one irritating ride whenever you used it. Also, when you realized that you weren't going that fast, you began to use it as a glorified skateboard. Holding on to the handlebars, putting one foot on the seat, and pushing off with the other foot gave you 3 times the speed.
Stretch Armstrong: One Christmas I got this toy and I was totally psyched. Stretch Armstrong was a simple toy, like his name suggests he has the power to stretch in every direction that you pull him in. Personally, If I was Stretch Armstrong there would only be one body part that could stretch to ungodly lengths, but hey that's me. The problem with this toy, as I found out on that fateful Christmas day, is that the Stretch Armstrong toy was a piece of crap. I found out that if you stretch the toy too much that the toy tears, and this toxic blue goo comes oozing out of it. My old man was so freaked out over the blue goo that after he wrapped the toy up tightly in a trash bag he threw it away in a nearby dumpster, not in our garbage can.
Hot Wheels and the race track with it: Collecting hot wheels is as American as apple pie and invading a country illegally. I used to collect all kind of cool cars, all type of exotic types, and it was always cool to compare your cars with the ones your friends had. Hot Wheels eventually came with a race track so you could compete against your friends to see whose cars were the fastest. There was a downside to those race tracks when all was said and done: 1) The race tracks were a parents nightmare because if you had a decent sized track that would mean more clutter at the end of the day. 2) If you fucked up, and your parent was about to beat the brakes off of you, that race track was a legitimate ass whipping object. So the toy that you love and adore was also imprinted on your hind-parts.
He-Man: "By the Powers of Greyskull, I have the Power!!" I used to love that shit, along with the toys that cartoon produced. It seemed like I had every He-Man action figure out whether it was "He-Man", "Man at arms", this green guy who actually smelled like pine, you name it I had it. As a kid I was hooked to the cartoon because He-Man was not to be fucked with, and I liked that. But I must admit that my affection for the show changed when my mother bought me the toy version of Castle of Greyskull for me one day. The commercial for said toy made it look like it had all these features that a kid could spend hours enjoying. The truth was that it was a 25 dollar piece of plastic crap. It was flimsy as shit, and I knew that the toy was shit when my own mother said, "What a piece of shit this is!" She was right. Also, as an adult I kind of see He-man in a different light. It seems like a very homo-erotic cartoon to me now that I'm older. See the outfits he was wearing, straight from a gay pride parade. But then again, I have that same theory about many cartoons. I'm not homophobic, but the Smurf colony was all gay because only a select few tried to get with smurfette. Velma from Scooby-Doo was a card carrying lesbian, so was Peppermint Patty from the Charlie Brown cartoons. They aren't fooling anybody. I think that Fat Albert had some sugar in his tank as well, but I don't feel the need to "Out" him at this particular time.
Nerf Products: The other day some college friends and I were playing a game of football in a park near my house. It surprise me that they were playing with a Nerf Football, something that I hadn't seen in years. For those of you who don't know, the Nerf football isn't a regulation football, it is made out of a foam type substance. You could literally throw that thing for miles, and if you could catch a Nerf football you were branded a bona fide "pussy" by all of your friends. It was a great product, but there were also some downsides to it. First off, after some time it would wear down and pieces started coming out of it, thus affecting the velocity of it when thrown. Also, if you fucked up and threw the football in some water it would become water-logged and be heavy as shit.
Bee-Bee Gun: Some genius in my family gave me a be-be gun for my birthday one year. I forgot who gave it to me, but I knew automatically that the fact that I had a weapon that could hurt people totally went undetected by my folks. How did this fly under the parental radar? I guess they thought it was a water gun, or maybe they weren't paying attention, but I wasn't going to ask them about it. This wasn't the rifle type of be-be gun, this was of the pistol variety. Granted, it wouldn't puncture your skin by no means but it would definitely leave a mark. I used to hide in some bushes assassin style and shoot people I didn't like. Watching them scream and wonder where the shot came from was priceless. If a bully fucked with me, they were getting shot. If a grown up gave me shit, they were getting shot. If a store owner kicked us out of his store, he was getting shot. It all came to an end when a friend of my dad caught me in some bushes about to take someone down. So he took my gun and I begged him not to tell my dad. It is good that he intervened, because who knows what kind of life that would have led to.
Most people have fond memories of their prom, from spending a wonderful evening with your classmates to having lustful teenage sex afterwords in a cheap hotel, this should be an important night for any High school student. Well, my prom experience was a absolute nightmare so let me share my pathetic experience with all of you.
Inside the Actors Studio: If you aren't really a movie fan then this show might bore the shit out of you since it is a one hour interview, and a rundown of an actors career. But I love this show because you get to hear your favorite actors talk about their method, and discuss movies that might be close to your heart. I admit, it can get tiring hearing someone go on and on about themselves, but you learn some pretty interesting things. Like Jack Lemmon's life long struggle with alcoholism, Gene Hackman breaking down when recalling the day his dad left his family, and that Will Smith turned down the starring role in "The Matrix" to do "The Wild Wild West". Even though the shows host James Lipton asks the same list of questions at the end of each show, I am still curious to see what people's "Favorite Curse Word" is.(If you were wondering, mine is "motherfucker", or "douchebag", depending on the day.)
24: I have been a fan of this show since day one, but the one of the problems that I have with it is if you miss a day you are royally fucked! Keifer Sutherland's character "Jack Bauer" is great because the guy simply doesn't give a fuck, and he will do what it takes to get the job done.(i.e Electric shock his current girlfriends estranged husband to get information, break 4 fingers of a guy to get information even though he got orders from the president not to do so, etc..) The guy would kick your grandmother in the forehead just to get some information. Granted, you have to remember that it is strictly a TV show, because no guy can have so many days where he saves the country. What I also like about the show is that the writers aren't scared to kill off a popular character, so my advice to you is to not to get attached to any character not named "Jack Bauer". Lastly, you have to love a show that had a black President.
Pardon the Interruption: I am like any other red blooded, porn loving, George Bush loathing, sports fan who watches ESPN on a continuous basis. But the problem with some sports coverage is that it can be as irresponsible as the nightly news is, reporters blurring the line between actual facts and their piss poor opinion. This show consists of two guys, Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon, who definitely express their opinions but they don't blur the line between that and the facts. What I also like about the show is that you never know what their stance might be. For example, some commentators you know hate Bary Bonds, hate Kobe, so every story about those individuals that is presented to them is going to be met with a negative reaction. Not these guys, they judge sports issues on a individual basis, you can't peg these guys down. Instead of hearing some ex-NBA player who was absolute garbage rant about how horrible Kobe is, or Michael "coke and whores" Irvin talk about what a disgrace Randy Moss is, I rather hear legitimate arguments from legitimate journalists.
"The Office": The verdict really isn't in concerning the American version of said show, but the past few episodes have shown some promise. Usually when shows that were originally British become americanized it doesn't really translate because I think that Americans don't really have the same sense of humor as the British. For example, what made the British version so great were the awkward pauses when someone told a unfunny joke, or the expressions on people's faces that spoke volumes. I didn't think those subtleties would translate being that us Americans are as subtle as a prison raping. But hopefully I'm wrong and the American version of "The Office" catches on. Better yet hopefully it can be half as funny as the original.
VH1's 'Behind the Music": Isn't it great to see your favorite singer or band reminisce about how they almost overdosed, or how their manager happened to steal 5 million dollars from them? Like "Inside the Actors Studio", you learn details about certain artists that you wouldn't regularly learn.(i.e I don't say this about anybody but I feel the Professor Griff would kick my ass./ Biggie shouldn't of taken the high road and dissed the fuck out of Tupac/ Bobby Brown is a goddamned crackhead!!-but I guess everyone has known that for a while huh?..) Definitely a good show, so good in fact that you sit there glued to the television watching artists that regularly you wouldn't give two fucks about.
Real Time with Bill Maher: I believe in absolutely knowing your enemy, so sometimes I will watch FOX news just to sharpen my debating skills against your garden variety bottom feeders:(i.e, Republicans, Black Republicans, Uncle Toms who support Condi Rice because of her skin color, any black person who voted for Bush strictly because of the gay marriage issue-Peasant) Well, even though Bill Maher I think considers himself libertarian, he indeed has many republicans on his show so its good to see how they think. He's pretty funny, and tends to get to the core of an issue and not let any guest get away with bullshitting him. Granted, this season kind of sucks because he has been on some "Lets get a more conservative audience" crap because of the heat he is getting from the right. I hope he lets that go because you don't hear right-wing hosts talking about having a more "liberal" audience.
Paris Hilton/Nicole Richie: I never knew that being a rich, obnoxious slut was a talent. Every time I see either of these two on a entertainment news show I keep waiting to see what their specific talent is. So far, we know that Nicole Richie is Lionel Richie's Daughter, no marketable skills, and she likes drugs. Paris Hilton is part of the Hilton fortune, no marketable skills, and she has the I.Q of a toddler. I once heard Paris say that she didn't want to take a certain movie role because it would damage her image. I immediately said to myself, " Image?? There is a porno tape of you banging some loser in a hotel room, people already have the fact that you are a slut ingrained in their mind." Nicole Richie, besides being a major druggie, once said that she wanted to "Have sex with Kobe Bryant" while being inteviewed on national television at a Lakers game.(Did I mention that she said that while his rape case was going on? Smart move) These two just show that celebrity is easier to obtain nowadays when you are virtually talentless.
Anna Nicole Smith: I know that she was once a model, but come on. She married a guy damn near on his death bed in hopes to collect some fat cash and so far that hasn't worked out for her. She had a reality show where all she did was stay medicated 24/7 and acted like a complete jackass. Every time I see her she looks completely high off her ass, struggling through simple sentences and embarrassing the shit out of herself. Now she peddles this stuff called "Trimspa" after losing a shitload of weight. 'Trimspa" must have crack in it because her ass lost that weight really fast, with crackfein-type accuracy. Again, she has no recognizable talent besides being a pill popping chick with extremely big boobs.
Anyone on a reality Show: Message to anyone ever on a reality show: The reason why your acting career hasn't taken off after your appearance on that reality show is because casting agents know, like me, that you are talentless. I mean, Omaroso is a woman that proved herself to be a backstabbing incompetent witch, why would I want to hire her for my new sitcom?? I respect people who do the reality show, go back to their old lives and keep it moving. To suddenly think you are a acting commodity because you were simply in front of a camera is ridiculous to me. 
Bishop Don Magic Juan: This is going to sound weird coming from a guy who can call out a shitload of porn-stars by name, but this guy bothers me on a social level. When did being a pimp become marketable in the entertainment world? Not only is this guy somewhat offensive with his ugly suits and horrendous pimp cups, but the guy butchers the English language whenever he opens his mouth. At least be a articulate pimp! every time he appears on T.V he sets the civil rights movement back 100 years, seriously. When people ask him what role he plays in his entourage Snoop says that this guy is his "spiritual adviser". My question to Snoop is what exactly is he advising you in, better and more accurate ways to "smack your bitch"? Come on. The mere fact that this jackass is famous for being a pimp, and not having one marketable entertainment skill is beyond me.
Over the past few years I have had friends and family members that have dedicated themselves to the Lord. Even though I went to catholic school, the only thing that i gained from my attendance were the early-teen erections that I used to get from seeing girls in plaid skirts. Overall, I believe that finding Jesus is a good thing if you aren't fanatical about it. The following are some examples of individuals that took their faith on a cult-like level.
Mad Max: Max is a friend of mine who I went to a club with recently. We were having a great time, checking out women and causing absolute mayhem. I saw a girl there that I new named Laurie that I introduced him to. They hit it off and they were all over each other by the end of the night. When he was driving me home I gave him some words of wisdom: "Hey man, Laurie is cool but you might want to reconsider messing with her. For one thing it is kind of unsettling when you know 20 guys personally that have slept with her. Plus, a guy was once killed over her so you better watch your step. Also, she seems so unclean to me that after I come in contact with her I feel like I need to take a shower." Max laughed it off, thanked me for the heads up, but informed me that he was a big boy and could handle himself. I replied, "Fuck it, I warned you". About a month later I am playing pool with Max and I notice that he is very silent the whole time. I asked him what's up and he says the following. "Dude, you were right. For one thing I got jumped by one of Laurie's boyfriends and a couple of his friends, they beat my ass good." He then informed me that Laurie gave him a venereal disease damn near immediately. Usually when I was proved right I would gloat, but I just simply responded with a "that's messed up" and continued to play pool.
Three's Company: The brother of one of my band-mates was hanging with us one night. He is kind of a scumbag, but he doesn't bother me so its OK. He had brought up the fact that he was going to bring a second woman into the bedroom to have a three-way with his wife. Everyone was telling him how that was their fantasy, and basically gave him encouragement. I disagreed with the following rant: "Fuck that, that is probably the most overrated fantasy out there. For one thing, I wouldn't do it because having one unsatisfied woman is enough, imagine two mad chicks at you. No thanks. Plus, what if the other woman turns your wife out? Then you my friend, are officially fucked!" He laughed off my comments and quickly changed the subject. Fast forward about two months later and what I said had actually came true. His wife had fallen in love with the woman that he had brought into the bedroom, leaving him alone and regretting that he ever thought of the words "Three-way".
Right-wing Buddy: I have talked about my republican friend Randy time and time again, he is one of my closest friends. I have to admit something. When it comes to the beautiful family that he has, I am kind of envious. When people say, "I am single and loving it" I always want to punch them dead in the face because they are fooling themselves. Being married and having kids is definitely the way to go, hands down. That is why it angers me that Randy is fucking up royally and he is going to sabotage his family. OK, he has been married about 9 months and along with a 5 year old son from a previous relationship, he has a daughter that was born about two months ago. I have noticed a few things over the past few months. 1) For one thing Randy has had women meet him in places that we frequent. From his sons baby sitter, to a friend of his sister. He always claims that nothing is going on and i drop it. 2) About a month before him and his wife first got married, we had went out to have a few drinks. This girl that he knew was there so we all hung out. Danny then drove me home, but I noticed that the girl in question had followed us there. I went into the house to crash since i was shitfaced and left them outside. I woke up about an hour later and something told me to look outside. When i did I see Randy and this chick kissing and hugging on top of his car.(Even worse is the fact that Randy lives only one street behind me.) I have love for Randy, and want to believe that he hasn't been unfaithful to his wife but a lie he once told me makes me question anything he says on the subject. The Lie: He once dated a girl that was named Kate and she looked like the actress Kate Hudson, no lie. They were dating for a few months and Randy swore up and down that he never had sex with her. Well, he told another group of my friends that he was always having sex with her. Who was he lying to, me or them? And, why lie to any of us? Anyway, the final verdict isn't in on this one, I just hope that Randy makes the right decision.
Neighborhood Bar: For years this bar's theme has been a redneck shithole that consistently loses money. A new owner will come along, have a country and western theme, and it turns into an all out dive bar. Fast Forward a few months ago when a new owner took over the place who I thought was going to save the day. He changed the scenery, played more R&B and Hip Hop, and gave the place more life. It was also making a lot more money, so I thought the curse was finally lifted from this establishment. It all started to go downhill with a quickness, and i think I was present when it began to fall apart. See, he can't get rid of the older, redneck, I have one tooth, I used to sleep with my sister, why don't you play more Toby Keith and Waylon Jennings crowd. So some of those dudes were in there one night when i was there and argued with the owner about playing more country and western. I could see them swaying the owner so i said the following: "Dude, you are making more money with the new direction of the bar, why would you change it back now? Plus, take a good look at the individuals giving you this stupid advice.(Grabbing one of the gentleman's head) This motherfucker has two teeth in his mouth!! I wouldn't take advice from any man that doesn't have the good sense to Brush and floss.(Sniffing) Also, the other guy giving you advice smells like a baboons asscrack, come one dude!" OK, maybe i was a bit harsh but I had to sell my argument. Fast Forward about a month and I walk in there and see a group of sorry motherfuckers line dancing. He had changed the format, and withing weeks they are losing money faster than a hooker with a bad cough. Man, does anybody listen to me?
Mariah Carey: This isn't going to be a bulletin or anything but Mariah is crazy as batshit. For one thing she takes like 25 showers a day, her ass has issues. Not only that she has about 10 "yes women" who compliment her, agree with her, and laugh at all of her jokes. Her main topics of conversation is how great she is, how no other singer can touch her, and how in 20 years her movie "Glitter" will be considered a theatrical masterpiece. I shit you not, she made me and her staff watch that movie at least twice a day. I would call our intimate moments in the bedroom "10 Commandment Sex" because her ass had so many rules. "Don't smack my ass", "Not too hard", "You are wearing 2 condoms right?", "Tell me how great Glitter was", the shit got ridiculous. While we were together she would say silly shit like, "I really can't believe I'm with a black guy. I mean, I have black folks in my videos and producing my music, but to actually have one as a boyfriend is something that I don't do." When I would remind her that she is half-black she would say, "That's right, I keep forgetting about that." When I tried to break it off with her she made me sign a confidentiality agreement saying that I would never speak about our relationship. For good measure she had a few of her goons rough me up outside her place of residence as her and her staff laughed uncontrollably. As I walked off bloody I screamed "Glitter sucked ass bitch!!"(taken from chapter 18 entitled "Nuttier than Squirrel shit". Page 126)
Halle Berry: She was extremely cool at first, a stark contrast from Mariah "Glitter-flop" Carey. She seemed like the perfect girlfriend until her jealousy reared its ugly head. First it was the phone calls, at least one hundred a day. Then she would drive by my house at 3 in the morning to see if I had a woman over. She constantly asked me if I was cheating on her, she shockingly sniffed my genitalia and said, "I know you have been with someone else, don't fucking lie to me!" What in the fuck is that? She was spirited in the bedroom, but I had to laugh when she recited the line from "Monster's Ball" by yelling out "HumanityCritic, Make me feel guuuud!" The sexual experiences aside, I had to let her ass go because she was too possessive and jealous. The last straw was when I called her from my moms house and she didn't believe me so I put my mother on the phone. When my mother said "hello" Halle screamed, "I know this isn't Critic's mother, you fucking my man bitch??" After a thorough cursing out I ended it, she then said that she would trash me in the press and imply that it was all my fault, making her look like spotless. Oh well, what ya going to do?(taken from chapter 20 entitled "Sorry, but B.A.P.S sucked ass" Page 149)
Erykah Badu: Where do I begin? Erykah was highly opinionated, and she thought she was right and everyone else was wrong.(reminds me of myself) Early on she displayed rather weird behavior that was somewhat troubling. In the bedroom she was rough as hell using chains and whips and shit. She also got off on punching the shit out of me at the exact moment that I climaxed. She walked around with incense in her hand 24/7 and when she read that coffee-shop piece I did she thought I was taking a shot at her. She also kept trying to make me wear extremely weird clothes, ugly ass colors, and true coffee-shop wear. That all stopped when she realized that she wasn't going to change a brother. But let me tell yall something, her vagina has special powers that scientists have to research because without me noticing I was indeed wearing those clothes and doing whatever she said. I now see how she got Common and Andre. I broke away from her evil spell but I still have dreams of her telling me, "You can't escape me HumanityCritic..Hahahahaha". Thats some scary shit.(taken from chapter 23 entitled "Magical Vagina" Page 170)
Whitney Houston: OK, OK, Bobby was in Jail and I was desperate, what can I say? But there were some good things about going out with Whitney though. For one thing, Whitney has the best weed in the United States of America, just watch her ass when she rolls it though. Also, Whitney taught me of various places you can shoot up and it not be too obvious.
Serena Williams: I have to admit that when I started dating this cutey I was excited because she had a booty that should be on a soul food menu. She was mad cool, she even appeared in one of my music videos, we had a great time until her family intervened. For one thing I was constantly confronted by Venus and she would accuse me of trying to cause a riff between her and her sister. Her mother would tell me that I wasn't shit so much that I had a flashback of when my father said the same things to me, so mistakenly I mushed her in the face and said "Shut your stupid ass up!" Serena didn't talk to me for a week because of that. She also wasn't pleased that I had to punch her father because he wouldn't pay me the 500 dollars he owed me from a card game.(His ass tried to pull a blade on me!) The last straw was that sex tape that I had secretly made for my personal collection. I didn't know that someone would steal it, and when it went public Serena dumped my ass quick-fast. There is a silver lining though, that porn entitled 'Serve it as Hard as you can" is the biggest selling porn ever.(taken from chapter 27 entitled "Big Butt and a Smile" Page 193)
Mark Wahlberg has came out publicly against Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, and Eminem for apparently fronting about having rough upbringings. He slams Damon for romanticizing a tough upbringing in the film "Good Will Hunting" by saying "If I make a film about my upbringing it's going to be about more than a f**king kid doing math, like in Good Will Hunting, you know what I mean?" He continued on Eminem: "My childhood wasn't like some 8 Mile bulls**t where you go and have a rap-off. Or like West Side Story, where you all start dancing and s**t." I guess these sentiments come from his feeling that he had a rough childhood, and the assault conviction that he got 17 years ago is to blame for said childhood.
I was talking to my mother the other day and she said something that was rather interesting. She said that either people love me or they love to hate me, there is no middle ground when it comes to me. She also said that it wasn't natural the way I enjoy infuriating people over the years. She is half right, I do enjoy pissing people off who deserve it but there have been times where I didn't find any enjoyment in doing so.
