"At the Movies" with HumanityCritic(Vibe.com)

Just because I happen to alphabetize my pornography and know the government names of my favorite adult actresses, that in no way reflects on my knowledge of regular movies - I always tell people that if "Jeopardy" only had Hip Hop and movie questions to offer, I'd win so frequently that Alex Trebek would fully understand that me calling him a "Canuck fuck" was a term of endearment. It's true, I know the sexual strengths and weaknesses of many of my favorite stars of hardcore smut as if I was a deviant version of a talent scout - I can't tell you how many times I've looked at an erotic DVD cover and said things like: "That girl doesn't have a gag reflex!!," "I can't buy this one because she has a trick knee that gives out whenever she gets fucked against a wall," and "I have to buy this one, I saw her please four guys at the same time - neither orifice nor hand went unused!!" But don't let that sway you. Besides sexual gratification following the exchange of American currency and my ritual of ruining my liver most nights - the only time I venture outside of my house is to catch the latest MPAA-certified movie, usually of the Independent variety just so I can feel superior to everyone else on a topic besides Hip Hop. So yeah, I'm addicted to porn, so much in fact that I can't achieve a proper erection unless my lover takes on a suitable stage name and cheap '70s funk music plays in the background - believe it or not, my love for regular flicks is much greater than the variety where a women is getting a fist or a horse penis shoved inside her.

Ever since I was a kid sitting next to my old man as he got some well deserved sleep, one of my favorite things in the world was seeing a movie in the theater - for a chubby kid with a stutter and midget levels of low self-esteem, being engrossed at a gigantic movie screen was the best kind of escapism imaginable. But over the last 30 years, now that my self-esteem is through the roof based on me accepting my inner asshole and my stutter is only noticeable when I'm excited or during ejaculation - I still have the same love of going to the theaters that I always have. The one thing that has changed though, is how I tend to deal with the rude behavior of others at said theater. Back when I was a kid I'd simply ignore it and desperately hope that the unwanted disturbance would stop - now I take a completely different approach.(Read more here)