Vanity 6: "Nasty Girl"

Nasty Girl

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You would think that an insufferable prick like myself, a person who has been known to play Russian roulette with his cock when the opportunity presents itself - wouldn't discriminate based on a woman's age, welcoming scores of various women into my bedroom on some Statue of Liberty, "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses" shit. But despite how fine a younger woman might be, how supple the butt-cheeks are, and the many delusions of grandeur are in my head of sexually teaching them something - at the end of the day the age factor becomes an issue. Shit like, "How in the fuck have you never heard of the Smurfs??!", "You didn't just ask me who Africa Bambaataa was did you?", and awkward mid-coital epiphany's like "Did you know that you were born the same year that I saw "16 Candles" in the theater?" fly out of my mouth with reckless abandon. With older women it doesn't get much easier, no matter how well they've aged and look like they could possibly pass for my age - my mouth always gets in the way of me possibly getting pleasured by a woman who once got her yearbook signed by Josephine Baker. But seriously, like with the younger women, the most inappropriate shit comes out of my mouth only during intimate moments - like, "You were probably fucking when I was born!", "I'm old enough to be your son, if you were fucking before junior high that is" and "Are you sure you should on your knees so long, I know arthritis can be a motherfucker!!"

That being said, there is a group of older ladies that I'd have no problem getting to know in the biblical sense - they are the same women that I've had a crush on growing up, Sheila E, Lisa Lisa, and Vanity. These women are still very lovely and I doubt that I'd have any type of sexual dysfunction if they were foolish enough to let me see them naked - but just in case, the mass amounts of ejaculatory material stored in my memory Rolodex over the last 20 years or so, my unimpressive penis would transform into the indestructible "baby arm". Just thinking about Sheila E in that "Glamorous Life" video, pounding those drums so aggressively, letting me know that her forearms are a force to be reckoned with - there's something sexy about a woman having the ability to rip your penis clean off if she wanted to. Lisa Lisa, the mere thought of how her breasts looked in that "I wonder if I take you home" video, puertorrican scoops of flesh that had me spending many prepubescent hours in the bathroom with the fan on - if she gave me the proper opportunity, I'd "knock those boots from here to Albuquerque" as Ice Cube once so succinctly put it.

As for Vanity, this video alone will make the Viagra people duplicate my DNA and put it in a caramel colored pill form - I still say that the first women who sings "Pretty Mess" after I climax will be Mrs. HumanityCritic as soon as humanly possible. Granted, apparently Vanity is all religious now - giving up fulfilling her every sexual desire and her cocaine habit for a life dedicated to Christ - and I sincerely respect that. But I'm saying, the real Vanity has to come out sometimes though - I can see myself screaming "That's the Vanity I was looking for" every time she did anything mildly freaky in the bedroom.