Ask HumanityCritic

A couple of years ago, when people would take it upon themselves to confide in the only blogger that lesser bloggers masturbate to - I took it as a joke at first, you know, who in their right mind would ask legitimate advice from a guy who once physically threatened a man of the cloth? I've always imagined my future kids skipping their dear old dad for some good old fashioned fatherly advice with no hesitation, and whenever I'd angrily protest said decision with the obligatory "Hey Son, why in the hell are you asking your mother about jock itch? I'm the parent with a functioning pair of testicles here!!" - my kid would slowly shake his head in disapproval, walk me over to the computer where he'd go to my blog, and then he'd very matter-of-factly say "What rational person fucks midgets and has them refer to him as "Papa Smurf"?" But I proceeded to answer every question seriously, openly wondering if the woman who asked for my advice on her cheating husband would find the irony in a career adulterer playing Dear Abby - but I figured that the questions would die down after a while, since getting sound advice from me is as akin to Stephen Hawkin performing even the most elementary of break-dance move. But surprisingly, after 3 years people keep hitting me with questions - so here are my best attempts to answer them as honest as humanly possible.

HumanityCritic, my husband has made me uncomfortable over the past few years by constantly suggesting that I lose weight. According to my doctor I'm a healthy size, what should I do? Karen

I'm no expert, but one thing that has always worked on me are veiled threats - you know, the kind that suggests that you get all three of your holes adequately filled like a bowling tournament by someone else if he continues with his incessant bitching. Unfortunately, our society has an obsession with being thin in this country - I'm sure many men have attempted to get their wives down to the size of their favorite actress, a broad who probably gets knocked down by mild winds in her spare time and shit. Also, whenever he makes one of those ultra rude requests to shed a few pounds - immediately request that he add some inches to his dick. That being said, if you ever leave him you can run into my welcoming arms baby - I love a healthy chick, one who doesn't frown upon 8 trips to the buffet line, or eating Mac and Cheese off of your buttcheek.

HumanityCritic, I'm starting to grow dreadlocks and was wondering, since you've had them for over a decade - what kind of obstacles will I face if any? Sheila

Be prepared to be asked for your marijuana prices, to have people assume that you somehow have your PHD in Reggae - and to be asked asinine questions like "Do you wash your hair?", "Isn't it heavy?", and to have people call them braids as if they just got finished masturbating to Stevie Wonder's "Talking Book" album. Not to mention the rampant tugging, petting, and stroking as if you were some sort of fucking domesticated animal - but my problem as of late, based on how long they've gotten, is adjusting them so they don't get in the way of any busy bowel movements I might have.

HumanityCritic, my wife claims that I can have a "freebie"(a sexual encounter with someone else, no punishment involved) based on us being married 15 years. Should I do it? Chris

Wasn't this a storyline on "Curb your enthusiasm"? Nevertheless, don't do it dude , regardless how tempting the offer might be. I mean, what if she just wants you to fulfill your fantasy so she can go and fulfill hers? I can see myself doing that(if I was married that is) and having a rather forgettable tryst with some local chicken-head that I usually wouldn't give incorrect directions to - but with my luck my old lady would hook up some musclebound dude who looks like a walking hard-on if you squint your eyes. A dude who's job it is to have sex with pregnant women, only to make the upcoming birth a virtual breeze due to his gigantic phallus. No thanks, I'm insecure about my cock as it is, rattling around a hole like a spoon in a coffee cup isn't exactly my idea of a good time.

HumanityCritic, a lady at my job has had fun at my expense for the past several months. At first I played along but now I'm annoyed, what should I do. Rebecca

Smack the shit out of her! Next Question!! Okay, seriously - just go up to the woman and nicely tell her that you don't appreciate the jokes and that you'd like them to stop as soon as possible. See, what this does is it sets the ground-work - any joking at your expense from this point forward securely positions her in "Beat-down Territory" So if it happens again, whether she is at her desk or walking to her car after work - walk up to her and just repeatedly punch her in the face, as if her nose was a pinata and you were anxiously awaiting sugary treats to come falling out of it. Listen, I know that we are too grown to be fighting and all that jazz - but I've learned that the only thing some people understand is abrupt violence, you won't be the butt of her jokes any more with her two front teeth embedded in your fist.

HumanityCritic, has anything surprised you as of late? Ben

Yeah - I had no idea that people had such a soft spot in their hearts for Erykah Badu? Jesus fucking Christ..

HumanityCritic, what was the last concert that you went to? Kesha

A Jill Scott show a couple of weeks ago, she was great. Based on her newly single status, and seeing her sing ever so beautifully on stage with breasts so massive that titty men everywhere should at least pilgrimage to them once in their lifetime as if they were Mecca - I wanted to declare my love for her right then and there. But after some consideration I decided against it, only because I'm realistic - I know that my alcoholism and penchant for penetrating strippers wouldn't go over too well if her and I were ever together.

HumanityCritic, have you ever said anything that instantly ended a relationship? Dawn

Dude, I have a library of things that I've uttered that has assassinated relationships. Lets see: "A chick that I cheated on you with is going to call you and say that she's pregnant by me, don't worry she's lying. Unless I'm extremely bad at anatomy, and what I thought were tonsils were actually ovaries" - "Yeah, I took a shit in your trunk - but I couldn't hold it any more" - and my personal favorite "I'm not trying to ruin your day or anything, but your mother just gave me a hand-job"

HumanityCritic, what bothers you nowadays? Manny

Strippers on who act all outraged when you ask them if they whore on the side - I'm not saying that all strippers automatically take dick for cash transactions, but I think that my inquiries are absolutely legitimate. I've gotten some pretty hostile "I'm no whore!!" responses, and I respect that - but I just feel that the lap dance you just gave me where you indiscreetly beat me off through my pants suggested a penchant for getting penetrated in backseats for U.S currency. There should be outrage if the people at a blood drive all of a sudden ask you for a kidney, or if you ask some car wash workers to change your breaks - but stripping is the gateway profession paid penetration. So just say "No" if I asked for head, despite the costume it's not like I asked a nurse to go down on me.