Prodigy, when are you going to jail again?

I'm fully aware that this going to sound absolutely horrible, but historically I've never had a single ounce of pity for any of my black brothers who were deservedly incarcerated - that's why I refuse to send people letters while they are in jail, periodically visit, or ever plan to attend any hamfisted "Welcome Back" celebrations where I'm pressured to toast a fucking ex-con. Now if you find yourself incarcerated under false pretenses, sure, I will protest, pressure my local congressman, my state senator - your favorite pre-ejaculating scribe will do whatever he has to in order to help blind lady justice right what I feel is an obvious wrong. Other than that, fuck you.

Which reminds me: I know that I shouldn't celebrate a black man going to a state run institution, a place where his chances of having his prostate mercilessly treated like a pinata at least triple - but when I saw this video of Prodigy clumsily praising Ron Paul last week, for the first time in my life I didn't mind another black man about to expand the already packed prison population. OK, maybe I'm injecting a bit of hyperbole here, I really don't wish the brother any harm - but black folks routinely look like a geriatric pair of tits every time they blindly support Ron Paul on some "hey look, I'm different" shit. The guy has unseemly racist ties that I've already pointed to here, and I know that I'm possibly placing the knowledge bar too high for the Queens MC - but every time I'm lectured about Ron Paul from some random black person, I think of that famous Einstein quote: "Never underestimate the predictability of stupidity." I'm saying, being an independent thinker and "blazing your own trail" is only cool if you already have knowledge about your alternative route - doing otherwise makes you look like, well, Prodigy.

Hip Hop Violin - Paul Dateh and inka one

My daily attempt to resurrect Hip Hop: Chubb Rock - Ya Bad Chubbs

Hip Hop Post Coital: Queen Latifah

Queen Latifah - "Wrath of My Madness"

Not being a free agent any more is just fucking strange man. Gone are the days of not having anyone to answer to, coming and going as I damn well please - some weeks revelling in playing the "Ted Kazinsky" recluse role(minus the penchant for bomb making), growing a wildly unmanageable beard and not having any contact with the outside world to the point that my family and friend's have to break into my house and hope that they don't discover any rotting corpse smells. No longer can I feel proud about my universal stance of never calling anyone back, I've learned that throat-punching every asshole just because he says something sideways to me only impresses classless broads - and by the way, dalliances that don't consist of "how much for a half hour" inquiries and receipt-less sex is quite nice. Speaking of sex, for a guy who's post coital conversations usually range from "What in the fuck are you still doing here?" to "Stop acting disgusted, its only protein for Christs sake!" - talking about something substantive after sex is such a new endeavor to me that I constantly get the feeling that her utterly interesting chatter is a way of segueing into a break up. Here's the kicker, after the both of us complete a steady diet of some rather dirty fucking, her wondering why I openly weep when I climax and me thanking god that I no longer have to wear 4 condoms and riot gear during sexual encounters - most our conversations are Hip Hop related. I recently called my mother and said, "Well mom, you were right, you always said that I'd end up fucking someone just like myself" in which she quickly replied - "No, I simply told you to go fuck yourself!" Oh.


(The "girlfriend" rolls off of your favorite blogger, grabs a cigarette off the nightstand and smokes it while staring at the ceiling)

HumanityCritic:(looking over) Smoking a cigarette after sex is so fucking cliche.

The Girlfriend:(Reaching over checking my pulse) ..so are fat guys who have heart attacks! You don't worry about my after-sex routines, and I won't remind you that you haven't seen your dick since the third season of "A Different World" - Ok buddy?

HumanityCritic: Fuck you, I work out!

The Girlfriend: Masturbation doesn't count, but seriously, you have to cut down on the late-night snacking and go on a occasional walk now and then - you dying on top of me would severely affect my future social calender.

HumanityCritic: In a "I'm not coming within a square mile of that broad's vagina" sort of way?

The Girlfriend: No, in a "I can't believe she was actually fucking that crazy, chubby reclusive writer" sort of way.

HumanityCritic: You act as if I'm bed-bound or some shit, needing a construction crew to knock-down entire walls in order to get my gelatinous ass out - besides, we just started dating so something drew you to my stocky physique.

The Girlfriend: Yeah, the first night we met you paid for all the drinks - so view letting you clumsily thrust inside of me as "working off a bar tab".

HumanityCritic: You should really consider penning a Lifetime movie.

The Girlfriend: Oh, and we have the same tastes in Hip Hop - speaking of Hip Hop, what do you think is the greatest female album of all time is?

HumanityCritic:(Thinking) That's a good question, ummm...

The Girlfriend:(Rapping) "Can't you see the music pumping hard like I wish you would - so push it!"

HumanityCritic: You aren't going to tell me that Salt & Pepa's "Hot, Cool & Vicious" is the best female Hip Hop album ever?

The Girlfriend: No, just commenting on your hamfisted love-making style - but really, what is your pick?

HumanityCritic: I'd have to go with Queen Latifah's "All Hail the Queen" - as strongly as I feel that she should never recite poetry over beats again, I'm pretty confident that her debut album is the best female Hip Hop album of all time.

The Girlfriend: Damn, good choice - "Wrath of my Madness", "Mama Gave Birth to the Soul Children", "Dance For Me" - you don't get much of an argument here.

HumanityCritic: I knew there was a reason I liked you.

The Girlfriend: If you liked me so much, you'd stop reciting Kool G Rap lyrics in my ear while we're fucking.

HumanityCritic: I don't like you that much.

Pat Buchanan: The "Statler & Waldorf" of Political Punditry(Vibe.com)

Poor David Shuster. The man is having his livelihood carelessly toyed with by a political campaign seemingly more interested in scoring cheap political points than getting their candidate's message out to the masses. With entire news cycles bombarding our collective consciousness with State of the Union snubs, Obama's Ronald Reagan fan-club, Kindergarten era presidential aspirations, Crying on cue, campaign shake-ups, and a Tony Rezko non-scandal being promoted from a campaign headquarters made completely out of glass - forgive me for not being able to tell when the outrage is live or when its Memorex. Even though I completely agree with the point that David Shuster was making, how unseemly it seems for the Clinton campaign to shamelessly send Chelsea out there to woo super-delegates - his remarks that she was being "pimped out" were both wrong and reprehensible, absolutely deserving of a suspension. That being said, the guy apologized, twice, and doesn't have a history of insensitivity to speak of - but the Clinton campaign's eagerness to keep this story alive is either just an example of them "working the refs" so to speak, or making David Shuster a scapegoat for Chris Matthews' history of making clearly sexist remarks about the New York Senator.

But what is lost in Shuster-gate, Chris Matthews' lockeroom talk, and Hillary Clinton supporters the world over feeling as if MSNBC as a whole has some sort of hidden agenda against their respective candidate - is that Barack Obama has it the worst of all since he has the Statler & Waldolf of political punditry constantly attacking him. You remember Statler & Waldolf don't you? The two old and ornery bastards on "The Muppet Show", hating on everything with reckless abandon from the comfort of their balcony seats - this is the image that immediately comes to mind every time Pat Buchanan criticizes Obama ad nauseum. I'm fully aware that Buchanan is an old school conservative, so waiting for him to shower the junior Senator from Illinois with obscene amounts of praise would be a moot point - but his rhetoric is filled with so many Clinton talking points, you'd think that the decrepit fuck worked for the campaign. During Super-Tuesday, before any of the exit polling started coming in - Buchanan was saying that Obama was the "black candidate" and that if he couldn't get over 20 percent of the white vote he was finished. When Obama outperformed Pat's hamfisted expectations of the white vote, he didn't do the journalistically responsible thing and admit his mistakes - he just shifted his venom to another talking point about Obama garnering too much of the black vote was problematic, or something utterly nonsensical like that. The funny thing is, when all else fails and the facts completely abandon his piss poor, agenda driven arguments - he plays dime-store psychic and stuff like "The Republican Attack machine will tear Obama apart!!" comes oozing out the sides of his mouth.

Pat, you are the Jim Kelly of political pundits so just shut the fuck up already - we all know that Hillary Clinton would be an easier general election candidate for people who share your political affiliation. At least now I know that the hand up your ass, making your mouth move that is - happens to be controlled by the RNC.

My daily attempt to resurrect Hip Hop: Kool G Rap & DJ Polo - Road To The Riches

Hey Bill, "Jesse Jackson" my ass...

When I think about my current obsession with cable news, I now understand the kind of dilemma regular gossip magazine readers are faced with - the inner turmoil of knowing that something is complete and utter horseshit and still feeling compelled to indulge. The regurgitated talking points, the nonsensical political analysis from people who have been in politics longer than I've been alive, how pundits continuously swear by historically unreliable polls as if they were the absolute gospel - despite all that, I still find myself watching and admittedly feeling dirty afterwards, like sleeping with a woman's hideous friend for the sole purpose of giving your buddy a clear pathway to vaginal glory. But despite my lack of confidence in the news media, its pretty easy to wade through the muck and mire that is political punditry depending on the source - for example, take MSNBC. Chris Matthews' hyperbolic diatribes force viewers to take whatever he says with a gigantic grain of salt. Pat Buchanan, the Jim Kelly of political talking heads, almost sounds convincing as he tries to come across as objectively criticizing Barack Obama - if he didn't feel that Martin Luther King was a "divisive figure" and once characterize the Southern Strategy as a "good idea" that is. Not to mention the smorgasbord of "Democratic Strategists" brought out to give an objective assessment of the presidential race who always seem to curiously expose themselves as Clinton apologists. I get it, I have no problem with people who proudly wear their respective agenda's on their sleeves akin to that gossip magazine reader who doesn't mind some editor leaving their journalistic integrity at the door as they publish a story about a Midwestern housewife giving birth to a litter of kittens.

But what I don't particularly appreciate is when a journalist/pundit eagerly tries to mask their clear agenda with a rather hacky feigned concern for the person said agenda is against - enter Craig Crawford. This guy is basically a white Jason Whitlock, presenting himself as a "I don't have a dog in this fight", "Breath of fresh air" media contrarian posing as the sole voice of reason among thousands of opinion givers - but if you look close enough you see that Crawford's agenda is a self-serving one, being a camouflaged Clinton shill. This man has been on cable more than hotel porn as of late, either petulantly complaining that the media is to blame for the national narrative that the Clinton campaign injected race or claiming that Obama injected a racial element by simply having Oprah stump for him - charges that I find both clumsily ham-fisted and psychotically delusional. I mean, as much as the Hillary's campaign is nicknamed "The Clinton Machine", a well oiled 30 year apparatus that supposedly crushes all those who dare impede its progress, an organizational stronghold with a second-to-none ground game and political loyalties lasting for decades - you mean to tell me that she was unable to control what came out the collective mouths of her surrogate's? Bill Shaheen, Bob Kerrey, Bob Johnson, Mark Penn, Andrew Cuomo, Charlie Rangel - if you think all of these unfortunate comments weren't all masterfully orchestrated to turn Barack Obama in the "black candidate", either you are conveniently naive or conveniently on the fucking payroll. Mr. Crawford, I prefer the latter.

But the smoking gun to how criminally lame Craig Crawford is happened more than a week ago when you tried to explain away the video posted above, where an unprompted Bill Clinton out of nowhere blurted out "Jesse Jackson won South Carolina in '84 and '88. Jackson ran a good campaign. And Obama ran a good campaign here." - he claimed that Clinton was just "stating a historical fact", but the "fact" that he didn't cite John Edwards(a person who won South Carolina but failed to be the nominee) and chose to use Jackson as a reference is pretty telling. Dude, you're just embarrassing yourself now.

Oh Bill, by the way, Jackson never broke the 20 percent ceiling in terms of the white vote when he was running - but I want to quote this slate.com piece for you: "Even if you don't count Obama's caucus victories in Alaska, Colorado, Idaho, Kansas, Minnesota, and North Dakota, he shattered his previous white-vote ceiling in 11 other states. In eight states, he crossed the 40 percent threshold. In Connecticut, he tied Clinton among whites. In California, he beat her. In Utah and Illinois, he won commanding majorities." So, for lack of better phrasing, you can shove that Jesse Jackson shit up your ass.

My daily attempt to resurrect Hip Hop: De La Soul - Roller Skating Jam

Barack Obama: "Girls Gone Wild"(Vibe.com)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Jim Webb: 2008's "Man of the Year"(Vibe.com)

Despite my unwavering support for Barack Obama ever since the junior senator first announced his candidacy before the Old State Capitol building in Springfield, Illinois almost a year ago, if Hillary Clinton winds up being the democratic nominee for president, to me she will automatically become the human embodiment of the Michelle Pfeiffer, "Save-a-Negro" character in "Dangerous Minds" - hoping that my vote would help a blond white woman sweep in and save the day once again, from both republican rule and any more horrific Coolio remakes where he butchers the fuck out of a Stevie Wonder classic. Granted, my vote would be a painful one to make based on the Clinton campaign's penchant for smears, distortions, and race baiting over the past few months - but when cooler heads prevail like Eskimo blow-job contest winners, I clearly understand that she is better for the country than any republican in the race.(Even though I sincerely believe that Barack Obama would be a stronger general election candidate) I mean, really - Mike Huckabee? The former Arkansas Governor seems like a nice enough guy despite his love for the Confederate Flag, but he is an absolute Jesus freak who not only thinks that homosexuality is akin to bestiality, but he also feels that we should amend the Constitution to be in lockstep with the bible - oh, did I mention that all he feels that we all should have firearms to defend ourselves against our own government? Mitt Romney? The man will literally say anything to get elected, a plastic politician who looks like Ward Cleaver and what someone said to have "the soul of a game-show host" - in this youtube video that outlines how liberal he was when he was Governor of Massachusetts, the narrator says "Mitt Romney, catch him on the right day and he's Che 'fricking' Guevara!" Word. Ron Paul? Well, you all know how I feel about Ron Paul. John McCain? I'm well aware that the man is a war hero with an extensive record of public service, and I respect the fact that it took absolute courage to withstand 5 years as a P.O.W - but when did the ability to endure an asswhipping automatically make you an authority on everything foreign policy? John McCain is the 50 Cent of politics. Besides, with his recent comments about the possibility of america being in Iraq for another 100 years, his habit of trying to perpetuate the falsehood that the "surge is working", and the sentiment that there will be in fact "more wars" - it is this writers opinion that a "President McCain" would be extremely hazardous to all of our health.

Suffice it today, if the Democratic nominee is either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton, I feel pretty good about our chances come November - based on the proverbial clown-shoes on the republican side posing as politicians that is. Which brings me to the title of this post. There is one man we should all be thanking for the lackluster candidates the republicans have inundated us with over the past year. One person that we should be showering nothing but praise upon if the democrats take the White House in 08'. That man ladies and gentlemen, is Jim Webb.

See, Jim Webb narrowly defeated incumbent George Allen in the 2006 Senate race of Virginia - a man who had not only served as Governor for my home state, but was supposed to be a shoe-in for being the republican nominee in this years election. That's why I consider Mr. Webb to be 2008's "Man of the Year", because George Allen's conservative credentials makes it seem like the man comes out of central casting when it comes to republican candidates. He's no Mitt Romney, with liberal stances like pro-choice and gun control that he doesn't want you to remember now that he's running for president - George Allen has toed the party line from day one, I think he voted with George Bush 99% of the time. He's no John McCain, no one can accuse George Allen of being a "maverick" - while right-wing radio openly bristles at the idea of a McCain nomination, they'd all come together in a political circle jerk if Allen were the nominee. Sure, I find his love for the confederate flag, nooses, and his affiliation with one of the largest white supremacist groups in the country(Council of Conservative Citizens) rather unsettling - but to Republicans, such indiscretions would be considered to be "suring up his base".

"Be Smart. Vote Obama '08"

Since my state(Virginia) won't be voting in a primary for another week, I urge all of you out there to vote if you live in a state included in the Super Tuesday clusterfuck - an Obama vote would be nice, but as long as you vote for someone that's cool with me too.

My daily attempt to resurrect Hip Hop: Big Daddy Kane - Smooth Operator

Bill and Hillary, thanks for the Wake-up call..(Vibe.com)

(To my faithful readers, as much as I hate to quote an author who once introduced the world to a character named "Nigger Jim" - but "the rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated"(Hence the blog inactivity) - it would seem that a certain gelatinous chimney hopper put a girlfriend in the stocking of your favorite neighborhood pre-ejaculator. Well. sorta. I have yet to maneuver my mandible and the lips attached to it to actually form the words "Girlfriend", so right now I refer to the lady in question as "The only woman in three years that I offer post coital conversation to" - that being said, on with the show.)


Historically I'm a light sleeper, a person who can be easily awakened by something as subtle as a television channel being changed or the vibrations a bed makes when a lover decides to make an early morning bathroom stop - that's why some of the harshest curse words exit my urban pie-hole whenever a person takes it upon themselves to interrupt my nocturnal emissions in a rather violent fashion. My guess is that my hatred of said practice started in the early 90's, I'd be nestled so snugly in my Michael Jordan bedsheets trying to take advantage of every ounce of sleep I could get before going through the daily minutiae of High School. My mother, a woman's who's voice was severely damaged due to a heart surgery 40 years prior - would pound on my door like she was a member of L.A.P.D's gang unit and would proceed to absolutely screech the following: "HumanityCritic!!!! Get your nappy-headed ass out of bed before I tell your friends that the mailman is your father! Just ask yourself why we get our mail before anyone else?" My "non letter carrying" father wasn't much better, his way of waking me up either had to do with him threatening me with "I'll strangle you with your small intestines motherfucker!" violence or having my face mushed into my pillow the way Ice Cube did that young woman in the "It was a Good day" video. Suffice it to say, the better part of 20 years have been spent angrily growling like a rabid dog at whoever dare wake me up with anything north of a gentle whisper or slight nudging - so lets just say that the past two weeks have prompted your favorite blogger to let out an expression of anger that only members of PETA and bestiality enthusiasts the world over could recognize.(Read more here)

My daily attempt to resurrect Hip Hop: Doug E. Fresh & The Get Fresh Crew - "Keep Rising To The Top"

Keep Rising To The Top - Doug E. Fresh & The Get Fresh Crew

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Not to tug on anyone's emotional heartstrings here, but I get the sneaking suspicion that I will go through my entire life without ever knowing what it feels like to gleefully jump a broom with my soul-mate - and it has nothing to do with my addiction to strippers and emotionless sex against my muscle-car either. I just think, before I get on one knee to propose to the love of my life, or I have some waiter figure out a n innovative way to fit an overpriced ring into a fortune cookie - I'm certain that I will scare her off with my Hip Hop idiosyncrasies. For example, every time I've ever been to an "all you can eat" buffet - I flashback to the Fat Boys in the movie "Krush Groove" and start pointing at food while beat-boxing: "Give me a poo-poo-pat-poo-poo-poo-pat, and a poo-hahahahaha-poo-poo" Every time I hear Big Daddy Kane's "Set it off", regardless where I'm at - when he gets to the part where he says "..so lets all sing the Big daddy anthem", I put my hand on my heart and stand at attention for the remainder of the song. Thanks to this Doug E Fresh video, every time I'm in a dance club I find myself doing his signature "hand-swipe around the head" move - and you better believe when I give someone a pound, I yell out "Shalom"

"Call me Naive, but I sorta believe!"(Vibe.com)

"Call me Naive, but I sorta believe" sounds like a campaign slogan an indecisive politician might adopt, but those were the exact words that escaped my hairy mandible as I talked to my friend DanTres immediately following Barack Obama's win in Iowa - a statement in stark contrast to my previous belief that there wasn't a snowballs chance in Lil Kim's vagina that America would ever elect a black man to the highest office in the land. Since I come from a state that almost re-elected a known bigot who manufactures innovative slurs for black folks in his spare time, I'm fully versed on the doctorate degree that many Americans hold in Racism 101 - I, like so many others, felt that the spark that was Obama's presidential campaign would fizzle out faster than Taylor Hicks' career. Also, to be quite candid - my main concern was for the brother's safety - every time I'd see him greeting enthusiastic crowds I found myself yelling "Get him the fuck out of there!" as if his secret service team could actually hear me. It was akin to watching a showering blond in a 2nd rate horror flick.(Read more here)

Barack Obama: "The Chicago Way"

Barack Obama this morning: "I think that Senator Clinton, obviously, is a formidable and tough candidate, and we have to make sure that we take it to them just like they take it to us. I come from Chicago politics. We're accustomed to rough and tumble."

That's exactly what I've been waiting for, I'm down with him giving inspirational speeches about unifying the electorate because its surely a vote getter - but sometimes you just have to chin-check a motherfucker to keep them honest. If it isn't Bill shamelessly lying about Obama's stance on the war, his claim that Hillary is tougher than Nelson Mandela, Hillary suggesting that a vote for Obama will provoke terrorist attacks - or her insulting people's intelligence by giving LBJ most of the credit for the Civil Rights movement - a full frontal political assault is long overdue. Lets see if he learned anything from his days in Chi-town, having Sean Connery giving you political advice can't be the worst thing in the world.

Man, FUCK Ron Paul!(Vibe.com)

It never fails. Every time some buddy of mine waxes poetic about some new girlfriend of his, making it seem as if she utters nothing but Winston Churchill quotables, and resembles Sade back in the days when the leading men in her videos were predominately Eurotrash - what I usually find is a woman that I actually lose I.Q points just standing besides, who would be a shoe-in for the role of "Sloth" if they ever decide to make a "Goonies" sequel. The same thing goes for music as well, hearing someone carry on about some Hip Hop group that they absolutely adore is nothing but a recipe for disaster - a delectable dish that I mercilessly devour as soon as I sample the artists music and realize that I've heard more ear-pleasing bowel movements in my day. For the past 6 months, my email inbox has been inundated with questions from my loyal readers concerning Ron Paul - they either asked my overall feelings about his candidacy or whether I planned to support him or not. Being that most of my correspondence with readers either consists of me trying to score some online booty, or chopping it up with a reader about some miscellaneous Hip Hop group - the last thing on my agenda was Ron Paul, primarily because I've never been in the business of throwing my vote in the proverbial circular file. But having done some research on the Texas Congressman, I finally have a clear opinion of the politician:(Read more here)

My daily attempt to resurrect Hip Hop: EPMD feat. K-Solo & Redman - Head banger

Album of the Year: Blu & Exile "Below the Heavens"(Vibe.com)

Every year, specifically around the final days of December, I always find myself concocting some rather unattainable list of resolutions - lofty goals so amazingly ambitious, that following a small fraction of said resolutions would make your favorite pre ejaculating blogger qualified for sainthood. My days of thriving to be a more patient person are over, virtues of that nature are reserved for Kindergarten teachers and journalists who interview Lil Wayne - not for ornery 30-something writers whose life's blood happens to be exuding bitter hatred whenever possible and welcoming confrontations from drunk strangers. No longer will I attempt to fool myself into thinking that I will become a more considerate lover in the name of some cliched list - who am I bullshitting, timing my sexual exploits with a stopwatch as if I was a track coach then lovingly whispering into my lady's ear "It's sandwich time!" are some of my more appealing qualities. I've completely abandoned the concept of eating healthy as well, it would be rather hypocritical of me to eat tofu during the day and imbibe nothing but grain alcohol at night - besides, I've kind of grown used to my ever expanding gut, not only has it become my trademark like Linus' blanket but it also shields me from the sobering reality that god didn't anatomically bless me. As for some grand illusion of me exhibiting more tact in 2008, forget about it - just last night I mistook a young lady's nationality, prompting her to angrily state: "I'm not puertorrican, I'm Filipino!!" - in which I very casually responded "Shit, you should have taken that as a compliment!"(Read more here)

My daily attempt to resurrect Hip Hop: The Coup - Fat Cats and Bigga Fish