Upon further review: LL Cool J's "I'm bad"

In honor of LL Cool J's classic stiff arm of Sarah Palin and that monstrosity of a television show FOX News clumsily tried to peddle, I thought that I'd dedicate the inaugural episode of "Upon Further Review" to the Queens MC by waxing poetic about the "I'm Bad" video. "Upon Further Review" will simply be posts documenting the different perspective I have on various aspects of Pop Culture now that I'm adult. I know, I should have put the word "adult" in quotes. Here are a few things about "I'm Bad" that I wasn't thinking about in 1987.



Thought #1: Police Dispatcher: "Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Be on the lookout for a tall, lightskinned brother with dimples." Not for nothing, but any description that involves dimples has me questioning your hetero street cred. Why didn't he alert his fellow police officers of the way LL's ass looks in his jeans, or the sweat glistening on his chest? I'm no homophobe, but did LL have so many yes men in the studio that they were afraid to point out a dispatcher who obviously wanted to treat his prostate like a pinata?

Thought #2: Not undercover cops infiltrating their drug operation. Not a rival drug kingpin trying to take over their territory. The biggest threat to an organized narcotics ring is a tiny black woman handing out poorly crafted anti-drug fliers? Really?

Thought #3: OK. Now that the mob guys kidnapped LL's girl for handing out anti-drug fliers, what in the world do they plan on doing with her? Slowly torture her until she tells them what Kinko's she had them made at? "Tell me what machine you used!! You will tell me what font you went with!" What the fuck?

Thought #4: That reminds me, what was up with stereotypical mob guys anyway? By this time "Miami Vice" had been out for three years, showing America's unenlightened that drug trafficking scumbags come in all shapes and sizes. If I was an Italian American I'd be pissed that the director lazily went the mob approach. Second thought, Italian Americans are too busy being embarrassed by "Jersey Shore" to worry about a 23 year old video.

Thought #5: I know that the misogyny in current day Hip Hop videos can be somewhat unseemly, I'll give you that - but at least the women being objectified nowadays are attractive. The 80's era rap video landscape is littered with questionable choices in eye candy, and this video is no exception. The woman who plays LL's girlfriend is attractive, but what is up with the random chicks in the warehouse? Its as if the director pulled a couple of homeless crackheads off the street, promptly bathed them, and the proceeded to throw them in front of the camera.