Friday, October 31, 2008

..and playing the role of "Mike Tyson", Karl Rove.(

Regardless of how many political winds are at Barack Obama's back right now, the manner in which the McCain campaign seems to be imploding right in front of our very eyes, and the daily poll numbers that look so good to a pervert like me that I want to dim the lights, download them, and proceed to give myself a well deserved "fist assist" - I find myself being the human embodiment of a famous Dave Chappelle quote: "What is a black man without his paranoia?" I mean, I'm the same guy who still ended up wearing two condoms after I forced a local stripper to get an AIDS test, this election is far from over and my readers should really follow my mentally unstable lead this time and proceed cautiously.That being said, regardless who winds up winning this election, the one thing thing that I am confident in announcing is that Rovian-style politics died a miserable fucking death this election cycle. Don't get me wrong, dirtball politics of some level will always be around. But in a day and age when every schmuck with a computer thinks he's a legitimate reporter, with the truth only a few measly keystrokes away - it becomes increasingly difficult to stick the proverbial landing on Karl Rove's patented bullshit tactics nowadays.

Even though Karl Rove claims that he isn't working with the Republican Nominee, it would be a Bob Beamon-esque leap of faith to think that he hasn't given the McCain Campaign some unsolicited advice. Not only that, he might as well work for McCain with all the Rove protegees slithering around the now flailing 72 year old. That being said, the way that the Rovian tactics have either failed to catch on this election, either because of the current political climate or the Obama campaign's utterly effective counter-punching - I'm wondering if the man that George W. Bush affectionately refers to as "turd blossom" is beginning to look more and more like Mike Tyson. Let me explain:

Despite his disappointing boxing career, legal troubles, the truly reprehensible comments that he's made, a life that seems to be in the midst of a downward spiral, and the misguided face tattoos - I still find myself being a big Mike Tyson fan. But the one nagging question that honest fans of the Brownsville native are forced to ask themselves, despite his impressive highlight reel consisting of either grown men figuratively wetting themselves in fear or a vast array of examples of some schmo having his skull forcefully detached from their spine, is the "Is Mike Tyson overrated?" question. Maybe the jail time robbed him of more than his freedom, switching around trainers like a human shell game can't be helpful to your career, and possibly Mike Tyson's fragile mental state made it damn near impossible for him to remain a focused fighter - but after the Buster Douglas defeat, no-name journeymen and proverbial tomato cans started giving the champ serious troubles in the ring. His rapid decline made me think, was he ever the tornadic force of nature that I thought that he was? Or was the brutal perception that preceded him more of a factor in defeating his opponents than the actual fighter was?

That's kind how I view Karl Rove right about now, especially after seeing how ineffective his bullshit is when faced with Democrats willing to trade with him in the middle of the ring. Sure, he's perceived as an evil genius, and you can't deny that some of his underhanded sleaze has won many an election. But his misguided predictions for the 2006 elections proved that he's no clarvoyant, and the way that the American people have rejected his politics of division when a good dosage of Democratic push-back is thrown in the mix - it makes one wonder, was the fear of Karl Rove's tactics more the undoing of Democrats than the actual man?

4 Days/4 people I've assaulted in Barack Obama's name

Because of my hair trigger temper and a fundamental lack of tact, simply canvassing for Barack Obama has proven to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life - outside of the time I clumsily thrusted my pelvis on top of a female body builder one alcohol fuelled night.(Not for nothing, but I now know what it feels like to fuck a stack of 2x4's) Despite the fact that the residents occupying my mental Mayberry of a town have been unbelievably perceptive to Obama's message of change and restoring the middle class, which is definitely a good thing, but the blissful ignorance and subtle racism I've also experienced definitely had tested my overall resolve. But because I support a unifying candidate who would probably look down on one of his canvassers slamming a registered voter's head into their own mailbox or shoving a McCain/Palin yard-sign up some garden variety racists ass - I've proceeded to grit my teeth and politely correct the record whenever some bottom-feeding Pat Buchanan fan implies that Obama is either a Muslim or that he will singlehandedly destroy Israel. Sometimes both. The unflappable demeanor that I've temporarily exhibited has absolutely fooled some of the older women who I've been canvassing with, many of them effortlessly offering up their innocent daughters to a reprehensible asshole like me - all because my winning smile and endless stream of Eddie Haskell-esque bullshit has them incorrectly thinking that I'm some sort of upstanding citizen who teaches Sunday School to underprivileged children in my spare time. Sometimes I wish that I could momentarily give these lovely sexagenarian's the same powers that Johnny Smith had in "The Dead Zone" and force them to momentarily touch my hand to get a glimpse of my tortured soul - the carnage, destruction, gratuitous violence, and miscellaneous women that I've made sweet love to in the back seat of my muscle car would have them running for the hills.

But when I get back home, take off the Obama pins and put away the campaign literature, all bets are off. Which means, basically, that I no longer feel tethered by the high mindedness of the candidate that I passionately support. Usually finding myself mercilessly chin checking some garden variety asshole who says anything remotely reprehensible about the junior senator from Illinois. I'm not talking some random person questioning Obama's economic package or his plan to end the war in Iraq, I'm talking about examples of overt racism and even assassination fantasies - actions that I believe deserve swift and abrupt metacarpal attention. I'm aware that this isn't exactly the image that the Obama campaign wants out there, and deep down I know better than to verify peoples "angry black male" stereotypes. But the luxury of being crazy is that I don't particularly give a shit. Besides, my humble opinion is that my random acts of violence actually save lives, because if I kept all that anger bottled up, anger brought on because of all the proverbial knuckle-draggers I find myself surrounded by - I'd probably go on a goddamn killing spree.

That being said, I'm huge fan of Lee Stranahan's brilliant video series "30 Days/30 Days: Why I'm Voting for Barack Obama" - where, as the title suggests, he gives daily reasons why he is voting for Obama up until November 4th. Definitely check it out, its dope. So, to take a page out of his book, I'm dedicating the next four days to 4 despicable motherfuckers I've punched in the face while defending Barack Obama. Enjoy.

Dispatched Asshole #4: Right after Barack Obama had sewn up the Democratic nomination, around the time he did his first unity rally with Hillary Clinton, I was at my favorite watering hole looking for low self esteem having women while rapidly ruining my liver. At the other end of the bar I overheard two men talking about Barack Obama. I couldn't really make out what they were saying, but I've been around enough drunk racists in my day to know that the vibe they were giving off didn't particularly inspire me to go over there and talk about the decline of "Real" Hip Hop. I did my best to ignore them, lord knows that I did, but when I heard one of them talk about Obama "not making it to election day" and how he wanted someone to "step up and take him out" I had heard enough. So I slowly walked over to the men and said, "Listen, I know that it is a free country and all, but publicly addressing assassination fantasies at a bar is even unseemly for you two backwards ass, "Deliverance" extras. Cut-it-out. Thank you." As I slowly walked back to my seat to reacquaint myself with my Guinness, the same guy that was talking all that shit said "Yeah know, I'm an excellent shot!". Shit, the next thing I know I'm clotheslining him out of his chair. As he laid on the ground choking from the clothesline, I kept screaming "What did I tell you!!" - as I stomped on him in such a fashion that curious onlookers probably assumed that I was making bigot flavored wine. His friend looked at me in extreme horror and said, "Hey man, he said all that racist shit - I'm voting for Obama!" Somehow I don't believe him, but it saved his ass from a beating though.

Two New ads presenting Obama's closing argument

With all the clumsy whisper campaigns, pundit spewing xenophobia, John McCain and Sarah Palin calling Obama a "socialist" despite most of their supporters not knowing what the word means, and the insistence that he's a terrorist sympathizer - nothing puts those allegations to bed like playing the Buffet and Powell card.

Has anyone seen an Obama commercial showing the image of McCain and Bush in that awkward embrace yet? I'm waiting for it, but if it never comes its OK, because this ad hogtying Bush and McCain together is the next best thing. Having Bush and McCain in the rear view mirror is a brilliant message to voters.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Last Night's Debate: "Beat Biter, Dope Style Taker"(

MC Lyte: "10% Diss"

Three weeks is an eternity in politics, you never know what unforeseen event could shake up the race until its utterly unrecognizable to even the most seasoned political pundits. Letting poll numbers lull you into a false sense of security is the type of complacency that we can ill afford, especially when a functioning illiterate secessionist creationist may possibly be a 72 year old heartbeat away from the presidency. In short, this race is far from over. That being said, like a seasoned poker player who notices another player's "tell", John McCain's campaign manager Rick Davis exposed a fatal flaw in their campaign's logic a few months ago. Regurgitating Hillary Clinton's playbook. Remember in late July when the McCain Campaign accused Barack Obama of playing the race card from "the bottom of the deck" as campaign manager Rick Davis put it, simply because Obama said this: "What they're going to try to do is make you scared of me. You know, he doesn't look like all those other presidents on the dollar bills." Sentiments Obama had said many times before, but the McCain Campaign decided to pounce on that particular instance as him "playing the race card" - a tactic often used by your garden variety knuckle-draggers who themselves want an unobstructed path to use racism. But one thing that really caught my attention around that time were the interviews that Rick Davis was giving, saying with righteous indignation that they wouldn't let the race card be played on them the same way it was played against Hillary Clinton. Not only did I find that to be a rather peculiar thing to say because of the factual inaccuracy of it all, the media were the ones who highlighted the shitload of Clinton Campaign verbal miscues concerning race, but also that the McCain Campaign was using the defeated Clinton Campaign as some sort of campaign cheat-sheet of sorts.

Nothing made me think of the chorus of MC Lyte's "10% Diss" more than John McCain's performance in last nights debate, the words "Beat Biter, Dope Style taker" pounding my temples like a hangover migraine - if wasn't obvious that McCain's presidential run was a cheap knockoff version of Hillary Clinton's failed campaign, it was surely crystal clear last night. The parallels are striking: Both made "Experience" a centerpiece of their campaign only to abandon it and awkwardly co-opt "Change" while trying to maintain a straight face. Both campaigns leaked like a proverbial sieve. Both had supporters who were openly critical of their campaign. Both seemed to let Barack Obama get under their skin. While running relatively negative campaigns, both tried to convince the public that their opponent was truly the negative one. Hillary Clinton's campaign was seriously outclassed in terms of the electoral map, and it looks like the general election is headed in the same direction. Not to mention the unseemly attacks on Barack Obama that John McCain is performing without the proper sample clearance from Hillary Clinton - which brings me to the debate last night.

Barack Obama is now 3 for three in these debates. Last night he exhibited the same sort of intelligent calm that has been expected of the Junior Senator amidst all the petulant sighing, eye-rolling, and interrupting from a person who I feel is the most immature 72 year old known to man. My father always liked to say "You always have to fear someone who doesn't have anything to lose", obviously Barack Obama didn't get that message as his figuratively palmed John McCain's forehead while avoiding wildly thrown punches that hit nothing but air. ACORN? Swing and a miss. Tax and Spend Liberal? Slipped that punch and gave McCain a jab for his trouble. Abortion? Usually a politically dangerous issue for Democrats, Barack made origami out of it while John McCain will forever regret that he put the word "Health" in the phrase "health of the mother" in air quotes. Health care? For the first time ever, a Democrat has successfully defined his opponents plan to the American electorate. John McCain playing the victim via John Lewis? Barack basically told McCain to stop being a bitch, saying "I think the American people are less interested in our hurt feelings during the course of the campaign than addressing the issues that matter to them so deeply." John McCain said "Sen. Obama, I am not President Bush? Obama pretty much said that they were indeed twins with this statement: "If I occasionally mistaken your policies for George Bush's policies it's because on the core major issues that matter ot the American people ... you have been a vigorous supporter of President Bush."

But John McCain's arguing about William Ayers in last nights debate, after it has shown itself to be a failing tactic, brings his plagiarism of Hillary Clinton's campaign full circle. It was silly during the primaries and its even sillier now, and with Obama breaking it down for 10's of millions of Americans to see, lets just hope that John McCain stops embarrassing himself with these regurgitated smears. I just hope that Hillary Clinton gets a phat royalty check from John McCain after his campaign comes to a halt, fucking "Beat Biter, Dope Style Taker"

2008: The Year of the House Negro(

Despite the fact that being a germaphobe makes reminiscing about girlfriends past become a rather vomit inducing endeavor, one thing is for certain - the most interesting woman that I've ever been with was this black hippy chick named Starr. I've been told that grown women absolutely hate being referred to as "adorable", I can see why, any adjective that makes a person instantly think about toddlers and puppies can hardly make your garden variety woman feel sexy - but that seems to be the only suitable word that describes the only ex of mine that had a lifetime supply of flower dresses. I mean, she always sounded completely stoned to the point that a cancer diagnosis coming from her would invoke child-like chuckles, her apartment stayed smelling like sage or frankincense, and she was so phenomenally upbeat about life that she even turned my intimacy issues into her allowing me to use her body as a "vessel" before finding the true meaning in life. Besides a love for organic toothpaste that for some reason I found objectionable at the time, and an unfortunate disdain for razor blades that prompted me to sometimes refer to her as "Harry and the Henderson's" whenever we made love, looking back she seems more like a character in a book to me than an actual person. But what I remember the most about the young lady, besides her goofy ritual of reading my "energy" and desperately wanting to always align my chakras, was her tireless dedication to knowing as much as humanly possible about the Chinese Zodiac. I vividly remember her telling me that I was born in "The Year of The OX"(1973), and even though there are characteristics attributed to a person born under said sign that are absolutely foreign to an asshole like me (Dependable, calm, Patient) - there are other qualities that I feel match me to a tee.(Systematic, stubborn, individualistic, critical)

I find myself thinking about Starr a lot nowadays, especially the many times I've caught a black conservative on some random cable news program passionately arguing the case for a John McCain presidency - I'm certain that she would have gotten a kick out me calling 2008 "The Year of the House Negro". I'm not going to lie, for the longest time I held the firm belief that any black person who called themselves a conservative was the moral equivalent to an enemy combatant - sincerely believing that such an illogical political philosophy had to be born out of a painful childhood experience on some "Were you abused as a child, scared to smile, they called you ugly?" Nas "Ether" shit. Now that I'm older, wiser, and have met many well intentioned black conservatives who wouldn't readily give up my address if a race war ever broke out - I now see the error in my ways, so nowadays I just leave the knee-jerk reactions to harmless bar banter and women who don't give head. I'll never be completely sold on black conservatism but I respect many of them - the same way a clairvoyant could rattle off 50 accurate facts about me and I'll still leave wondering if she's completely full of shit or not.

But the reason why I've described 2008 as "The Year of the House Negro" is for video like the one I've provided above. James T. Harris, a conservative who attended a McCain rally in Waukesha, WI last week, playing himself like Bobby McFerrin after reportedly being rushed to the front row by McCain aides who jumped at the opportunity to mix some color in with their lillywhite hate rallies. Not only do I think that Mr. Harris' "take it to him" pleas are a bit nonsensical since John McCain's campaign has been one gigantic slime-fest, but for a black man to urge a presidential candidate to smear another black man with phony smears intended to instill fear in people - well, that's a self loathing even foreign to a low self-esteem having pre-ejaculator such as myself. Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with black people supporting a republican ticket. But supporting a ticket that has willingly participated in forms of xenophobia and race baiting so rampant that the Secret Service had to get involved after provoked supporters screamed things like "Kill Him" and "Off with his head" is absolutely unconscionable. But my wrath isn't only directed at the proverbial Stepin Fetchit that is Mr. James Harris, shit, you can't throw a rock this campaign season without hitting some black conservative on cable passionately supporting John McCain and his empty pant-suited running mate whose careless rhetoric could possible get Barack Obama killed. I guess Chuck D was right, "Every brother ain't a brother cause of color!"

Monday, October 13, 2008

The Trials and Tribulations of a man and his Obama yard sign(

From the moment he announced his candidacy on the steps of the old capitol building in Springfield, Illinois until now, my unwavering support for Barack Obama has absolutely shocked some of my closest friends and family members. See, being an unrepentant asshole has its fair share of perks along with your garden variety opportunity for sheer comedic gold. Like the time I decided to reward a malnourished stripper by placing a sandwich at her feet, a few months ago when I became so irritated by the nonsensical melodrama at the funeral of my cousin's boyfriend that I felt the urge to blurt out "Chalk it up as an occupational hazard, the guy was a fucking drug dealer for Christs sake!" - or like last week when my friend's two domesticated male monkeys started to have sex and I very casually said "Man, they are literally going ape shit, aren't they?" But being an asshole also has some serious drawbacks as well. For example, until recently foreplay for me was sharing the most disgusting double penetration video in my possession with my lover right before blessing her with a memorable pelvic thrusting that would invoke both over-exaggerated eye-rolls and comedic fodder for her friends. Sure, if you ever need me to back you up in a bar fight I'm more than a willing participant, usually taking it upon myself to explain what a good friend I am while administering one hell of a beating on the asshole in question. But to tell the truth, I'm not exactly the best guy in the world to be friends with. For one thing, I have a penchant for letting my telephone ring when I know that they need me for some sort of manual labor, I'm not particularly interested in attending any function that I'm invited to that doesn't involve alcohol, and if I do make my presence known I'm habitually late and tend to make extremely lame excuses to explain said tardiness. For example, I actually said, "Listen, I spent 5 years in catholic school and I can't go into a church nowadays without my asshole hurting." - who else do you know that would put themselves on the business end of a fictitious clergy molestation reference just to explain an absence at a baptism? So suffice it to say, my ex-girlfriends who discovered that I was an emotional cripple after they found themselves on the wrong side of a glory hole, along with my family and friends who are all too familiar with my flighty nature - are all overwhelmingly surprised by my commitment to Obama in terms of me canvassing around my backwards ass city and the overall vocal support I've shown for the man. Until now I haven't shown any consistent commitment to anything, outside of Kevin Smith movies, a strange obsession with Janeane Garofalo, and deviant forms of pornography that would even make Larry Flint's skin crawl.

But now that I think about it, the last paragraph was nothing but decorative window dressing for my cowardice - refusing to be a reliable friend is just a protective shield in case someone I'm cool with turns out to be a complete dick, being an emotional cripple who treats intimate encounters with the same passion one would a dental check-up is just an invisible force-field formed after years of having my heart pulled out of my chest. My lack of commitment is born out of one innate fear, witnessing a downside to completely putting your heart into something. "With great sacrifice comes great rewards" they say. Now that I've finally put my heart into something, the candidacy of Barack Obama, I'm now unfortunately starting to see a serious downside to that endeavor. No, the candidate himself hasn't disappointed me in any way, shape, or form - what I'm talking about is the 24 hour job guarding my Obama yard sign has become. Not to mention the frequent vehicular debates I find myself in over a simple Obama sticker.

See, even though I've always supported Obama, when he first started running I sincerely felt that he didn't have a snowballs chance in Lil Kim's crotch of winning. That mainly had to do with the city I live in, Virginia beach Virginia, a mental Mayberry masquerading like its an up-in-coming Metropolis. The same way a war veteran probably wouldn't be phased if he witnessed some asshat getting his brains plastered on some dive-bar wall, racism of any kind hardly causes me to flinch based on my wealth of experience provided by the bottom feeders in my city. Everything from Overt racism, fist fighting two neo-Nazi's at a gas station who wanted to kill me solely because I was born with melanin. Subtle racism, "I would have never imagined that YOU were a writer. Wow!" Also weird racism, like the time a local drunk who I was sort of friendly with interrogated me with questions concerning me "not having his back" during a bar altercation that he was in - an altercation that started because he had called the other guy a "nigger" no less. But after Barack Obama won lillywhite Iowa my eyebrows began to raise, as he racked up primary victory after primary victory I started to believe, and when he beat Hillary Clinton to become the Democratic Nominee for President I unbelievably viewed his path to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue with rose colored glasses. Nothing brings you back to earth like a black candidate leading in the polls with less than a month to go, let tell you. There is no larger reality check than the thought of a black man holding the highest office in the land creeping into consciousness of the scared bigots of my area. There is no colder splash of cold water on your face like having to guard your Obama yard sign as if your life depended on it, and almost engaging in traffic altercations over an innocent campaign sticker. Here are a few examples:

Obama 08' Bumper sticker Drama: The moment that I placed the bumper sticker on my car I'd either get those "Ahh, you're supporting because he's black" epiphany inspired looks on people's faces or they did their best to get in front of my car to display their ironically warn Bush/Cheney bumper stickers. But as the possibility of an Obama presidency gets closer to becoming a reality, the more people's passive aggressive responses become a distant memory. For example, when some jackass pulled up beside me and called Barack Obama a "terrorist" and I simply replied "You're mother's a terrorist" - after that, the man took it upon himself to follow me home. As he pulled up in my driveway to passionately explain his fear of "black people taking over" if Obama is elected, I proceeded to go inside my residence only to come out a few moments later to show the kind gentlemen 357 reasons why you never follow someone home.

*While I was in rush hour traffic this older gentleman actually tried to peel my Obama sticker off of my car. He would have succeeded too, if a kind lady cab driver didn't whistle to get my attention. So I reached for the metal pipe that I keep under my seat, rushed to the back of my car and yelled "What in the fuck do you think you're doing?" He had a look of absolute horror on his face, maybe it was because I caught him in the act, maybe because a burly black guy with long dreadlocks clutching a metal pipe in a menacing fashion doesn't exactly inspire peace and tranquility. Who knows? But the most that the old guy could utter was, "He will ruin this country!", in which I responded "Well, if you touch my Obama sticker I'm going to permanently ruin your motherfucking equilibrium!" As he ran back to his car and I went back to mine the cab driver said, "Threatening an old man with a pipe over a bumper sticker? The penalty doesn't exactly fit the crime!", in which I immediately responded "Those rules don't particularly apply when you're crazy!"

Defending my Obama Yard Sign: A day after I placed my Obama yard sign in my front lawn, I noticed some fat redneck staring at my sign as his car idled. As I was retrieving my paper, hungover from the night before, I walked up to the gentleman and said "Hey Larry the Cable guy, what are you staring at? There aren't any snacks in there for you!" - thinking that the portly gentleman had his eyes fixed on my house.(That joke now strokes me as ridiculous, being that I haven't had a clear view of my penis since 2000) After that the man angrily drove away. A few minutes later I peaked out of my window and noticed that same man getting out of his car, heading straight to my Obama yard sign. Listen, I haven't been on a football field in years, but the way I bolted out of my door only to run full speed and dive tackle that freedom of expression hating bastard - it made me reminisce about the days when I had a six pack, and I didn't perspire when I ate. The old lady next door told me that I looked like the Captain Morgan's logo as I stood proudly with one foot on top of that asshole's belly.

*Because I have abysmal sleeping habits that have me either writing at odd hours of the night or smoking tightly rolled joints while most Americans are fast asleep - I was doing the latter one night on my dimly lit porch as I noticed a gentleman creeping into my yard while clutching a spray paint can. After I put down my joint and crept with the nimbleness of most ninjas, I waited for the young man to ready his artistic instrument by shaking it before I attacked. As I lunged at him he let out a bitch-like scream, which made me momentarily giggle as I headbutted him before lighting his ass up with body shots. That's when I grabbed his spray can, painted his entire face black, then angrily told the would-be campaign yard-sign defacer "Come on Al Jolson, say Mammy mother fucker! Say Mammy!" There's nothing like pummeling someone while rocking their feeble world with obscure references.

Before you sprain your wrist patting John McCain on the back..

When I saw John McCain putting his foam-mouthed supporters in place I was relieved, not because I felt like the Arizona Senator finally showed an ounce of common decency - but because I literally thought that the chances of Barack Obama getting assassinated greatly decreased simply by John McCain correcting the record. I've witnessed both cable pundits and bloggers alike opine about the return of ".the John McCain they knew", as if some political beacon on light who has been unfortunately forced against his will to wade into the muck and mire of Rovian-style gutter tactics decided to listen to his tortured conscious and return to civility. Bullshit I say. Listen, I don't think that John McCain is an inherently evil man, but he had to sign off on everything from those crummy "Who is the real Barack Obama?" ads, the Bill Ayers talking points, and the violence inciting rhetoric coming out of his illiterate rube of a running mate. Forgive my cynicism, but John McCain attempting to calm down some of his hateful supporters is like a person suddenly trying to domesticate their pitbull after years of entering the animal in a shitload of dogfights. Besides, how else could he have possibly answered the "Obama is an arab" woman or the expecting father who claimed to be scared of an Obama presidency? If he agrees with the misinformed old woman about Obama's background or the notion that an Obama presidency is something to be feared then the election is over, cancel Christmas. You shouldn't be commended for showing a modicum of decency. So please, consider the campaign he has run before you sprain your wrist patting John McCain on the back.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Obama Surrogate All-Star Team(

Yesterday in Florida, for the first time that I can recall, Bill Clinton gave a rather passionate endorsement of an Obama presidency. It was pretty good to hear, especially after the past few weeks after the man who once famously treated a grown woman's vagina like his own personal humidor has offered nothing but impersonal faint praise for Obama and effusive praise for a man that once called his daughter "ugly". To say that I was mildly irritated by the behavior of the 42nd president is a gross understatement akin to me saying that I'm a fan of triple penetration pornography. I mean, I understand that he's still licking the fresh wounds of a brutal primary season that his wife was on the business end of, and being labeled a "racist" by a community that you thought would have your back for an eternity has to sting a little - but his refusal to give Obama anything remotely resembling a full throated endorsement has him coming across like a whining malcontent, or a scorned teenager lover in ex-presidential clothing. Bill Clinton is a guy that you definitely want on your side, a supremely skilled politician with oratorical abilities hovering around Obama's, his ability to communicate with those working class voters still unsure about Obama could prove to be invaluable come election day. But if he can't duplicate his performance yesterday, and continues his dreadful habit of being a political analyst while cheerleading the character of John McCain and not an Obama advocate - someone in Team Obama should tell Mr. Clinton, in the best way possible mind you, to "kick rocks motherfucker!"

But then again, compared to four years ago, Barack Obama has nowhere near the same surrogate problem that John Kerry had. John Kerry is a good man who I respect, he outclasses George Bush in every category imaginable and we wouldn't be in the mess we are in right now if he was currently our president. That being said, his campaign was ran rather shabbily, letting the republicans set the agenda at every turn like some high school bully while taking extremely too long to attack those SwiftBoating knuckle-draggers. Utter incompetence like that coming from a presidential candidate can only trickle downwards, it seemed as if I'd witness extremely weak campaign surrogates getting their asses handed to them by Bush surrogates on a daily basis. Responding to slanderous attacks in a timely fashion isn't the only lesson that Barack Obama learned from John Kerry, the junior Senator from Illinois actually has effective campaign surrogates(both official and unofficial) which is in stark contrast to the inept public defenders John Kerry had during his campaign. Here is Barack Obama's campaign surrogate All-Star Team.

Claire McCaskill
Day Job: Senator(MO)
Claire McCaskill first endorsed Obama back in January, which many credit with his narrow win in the state of Missouri, and ever since she has probably been his most passionate advocate outside of his wife Michelle. The thing that I truly like about Ms. McCaskill, something she wasn't even afraid to exhibit back when Obama's opponent was Hillary Clinton, is her impressive ability to proverbally stick the knife in while having a gigantic grin on her face.(See Video, she brings up John McCain's melanoma and his chances of dying in office - while grinning) She also chews up opposing surrogates with ease, if Joe Biden hadn't been picked as the Vice Presidential Nominee, I wouldn't have been mad if Obama picked the junior Senator from Missouri.

Chris Kofinis
Day Job: Political Consultant, worked on Wesley Clarke's and John Edwards' campaign.
He's not officially with the Obama campaign, but the guy is truly a hatchet man - more times than not he's dismembering republican surrogates by way of ridicule, sarcasm, or outright mocking. Its truly a sight to be seen. He can be seen most night's on "Countdown with Keith Olbermann", where he is quite good - but he is truly brilliant when he is on some random MSNBC show making a republican operative look like a silly pair of clown shoes. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a video of that, so this will have to do.

Ari Melber
Day Job: Writes for The Nation, Politico, covers the Obama Campaign for the Washington Independent

Even though he's not an official surrogate for Team Obama, the guy should be, every time I've caught a glimpse of him going against some right-winger spouting nothing but daily approved talking points carnage usually ensued. He's an articulate attack dog who never lets the host or his opponent talk over him, and mixes in enough well placed elbows while factually making his case to make him the gold standard when it comes to campaign surrogates. You can check out this clip where he decimates that house negro Joe Watkins, or this clip below where he proceeds to show all the young pimps out there what making someone their bitch looks like. Poor Brad Blakeman.

Debbie Wasserman-Schultz
Day Job: Congresswoman(FL)
There were many Hillary Clinton surrogates during the primaries that said some rather questionable things about Barack Obama who are now very supportive of the Senator, Mrs. Wasserman-Schultz included, but out of all the Hillary people she is by far the most passionate advocate for Obama. She sort of reminds me of Dennis Rodman, boy you hated that motherfucker with a passion, but when that cross-dressing freak joined your team, you couldn't be happier.

John Kerry
Day Job: Senator(Mass)Yes, I know, I spent a great deal of time in this very post bashing John Kerry and his poorly run campaign. But what is up with defeated Democratic Nominees for president emerging out of nowhere with a shiny new pair of balls? Al Gore lost, grew a fucking beard, publicly ripped the bark off of George W. Bush whenever possible, and won himself a noble prize. As much as I criticized the man for acting too slowly after he was smeared by the Swiftboat Vets, feeling as if he was just another Democrat who was scared to hit his opponent in the throat, he emerges as one of Barack Obama's toughest surrogates. Gone are the Herman Munster-esque rhetorical snooze-fests when speaking, a possible Obama presidency has lit such a figure under his ass that he often comes across as a justifiably angry every man.Whether its tearing into Bill O'Reilly, advocating for Obama on "This Week with George Stephanopoulos, or taking apart Joe Lieberman(below) - John Kerry would have won in 2004 if he had the temperament that he now displays..

If Joe Biden was Muhammad Ali and I was Angelo Dundee..

If last weeks presidential debate didn't finally provide smoking gun evidence to the American electorate that cable news pundits don't know what in the fuck they are talking about, then nothing will wake them from their low information induced slumber. While people were right to obsess over McCain's refusal to look Barack Obama in the eye during the debate and his overall irritable nature, because voters tend to act negatively to such behavior. But all the insistent hand-wringing concerning Obama not going on the attack and his conciliatory nature was misguided at best. Obama's game plan that night wasn't to stick the proverbial landing on more zingers than John McCain, matter of fact winning the debate was more of an afterthought for him last Friday - his main goal that night was to make people comfortable with the possibly of him being their president. That he did masterfully. Obviously he'll never sway the pockets of people who think he's a Muslim no matter how many facts you hit them with, or the folks who masturbate to Mein Kampf and play "Birth of a Nation" on their respective movie nights. But I'm certain that there is are a shitload of white people who were simply on the fence because they didn't know much about Obama, and that debate last week was the first step in locking those people up. What these pundits don't understand, every time they wax poetic about some inane strategic "failing" of Barack Obama, is that he's running a campaign within a campaign. He has to be Jay Z, purposely dumbing down his genius just so everyone can get aboard his "Change" express. He has to be Joe Louis, black enough for black folks and gracious enough in battle to win over millions of white people. He had to do all that while proving that he had serious foreign policy chops. No small feat, let me tell you.

Now on to tonight's debate, Joe Biden vs. Sarah Palin. During the Republican convention we saw a Vice Presidential candidate who could effective deliver convincing attack lines that were dripping with utter contempt and sarcasm. As long as a teleprompter was handy that is. Since then she has flailed around like a fish out of water in the few interviews that she's given, proving that the amount of foreign policy that she knows could fit on the tip of a pen - exposing the fact that John McCain's attack dog doesn't have any fucking teeth. You better believe that tonight she will be fully stocked with scathing attack lines against Joe Biden and Barack Obama that have been ghostwritten by some garden variety Reagan worshipper, dripping with the same contempt and sarcasm. But Joe Biden can't be suckered, getting into any testy exchanges with her would be disastrous - not because she's a formidable opponent, because Team McCain would just claim that Biden was bullying her. Whenever the person with a resume so thin that it inspired Howard Fineman to joke, "Sarah Palin makes Barack Obama look like John Adams", decides to viciously attack Joe Biden's record - I know he'll be tempted to say, "Bitch, you don't even know what the Bush Doctrine is!" but he can't. Joe Biden would be better served to simply ignore her personal attacks. Simply parry each one with a wide smile before going on to the next topic. Avoid sarcasm and condescension at all cost. Spend most of the time ripping the bark off of John McCain. He has to keep his answers as concise as humanly possible. He needs to resist the urge to go overboard when citing his vast experience. Ok, I did my Angelo Dundee "She's dropping her left hand champ, soften up the body!" routine - go in there and get em' Joe!

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

The Debate Drinking Game(The McCain edition)-

(This was posted on Vibe hours before the debate, I personally think that you'd be quite fucked up if you played this drinking game)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm HumanityCritic and I'm an alcoholic. Granted, my alcoholism is not nearly as bad as it was eight years ago when my old man passed and my mother was diagnosed with cancer. Every single night throwing back the strongest liquor available as if I was Nick Cage's character in "Leaving Las Vegas", later waking up on some strange park bench, in some strange woman's bed, or on some miscellaneous bar floor after a stranger didn't particularly appreciate my dry wit and sarcasm. Even though I now only imbibe alcohol on the weekends, the words of an otherwise forgettable 7th grade health teacher haunt me every time I put a bottle to my soup-coolers: "If you find yourself drinking on schedule, constantly planning when you're going to indulge in the spirits - you're an alcoholic!" Boy, if Mr Chowns could see me now. I mean, its one thing to be an alcoholic when you're a wildly successful writer like Ernest Hemingway, people buying into that "tortured artist" bullshit as your bank account expands and you suddenly find yourself swimming in so many panties from women who openly reject PETA that you could open up your a chain of "Lane Bryant's". But nothing is sexy about a struggling alcoholic writer. I'm some person held a memory close to their heart concerning the time they heard one of Truman Capote's drunken boasts first hand until their dying day. I wonder how many Cubans told their closest family and friends about the time they got shitfaced with Ernest Hemingway half a century ago? There is no such allure attached to a guy who once threw up on a woman during sex, drunkenly admitted at a friends wedding that I slept with his mother when I was a teenager, or any other shenanigans for that matter - not when you're a struggling writer who blogs about people who are inferior based on their musical tastes and my penchant for alphabetizing my pornography collection.

I'm aware that graveyards are filled with the skeletons of people who were disingenuous when they were alive, claimed that they'd stop drinking years before their livers finally gave out, I know - but I truly plan on stopping after the New Year. I would stop sooner, but like billions of drunks that came before me, I wrestle with the fact that I intensely love something that is absolutely killing me at the same time. I mean, when I rolled that handicapped man into traffic after he said "Rakim sucks" - I would have never done something that heinus if I was sober. Last week, as I argued with some racist republican who claimed that blacks would riot in the streets if any harm ever came of Obama because "that's all you guys know!" - I commenced in punching him in the face 5 good times with sniper-like accuracy. See If I was sober I would have realized that assaulting him was simply proving his point, and would have probably stuck to breaking him down verbally. But what fun is that exactly? I never would have found the courage to battle a local MC at his own show and openly question the sanity of his 14 fans if stuck to drinking soda.

But for health reasons, and for the fact that I haven't had a clear view of my penis since Cross Color jeans were fashionable, I'm going to have to incorporate more asshole moments that aren't alcohol induced. That being said, I plan on finding new and innovative ways to get absolutely plastered between now and the end of the year - like a drinking game inspired by John McCain's verbal ticks in tonight's debate.

Take a shot of your favorite liquor every time..

John McCain brings up his POW experience: John McCain's time in a Hanoi Hilton should never be denigrated, and even people like me who are his staunchest critics have to admire his heroism during his time in captivity. That being said, not only do I reject the notion that somehow being a POW is a qualification to be president, but also the flimsy claim regurgitated by the press that John McCain is uneasy to use it for political gain. Bullshit, he uses it all the time - his campaign has uses it every time they don't have a sufficient enough comeback to an Obama campaign charge. When the Obama campaign pounded McCain about him not knowing how many houses he owned, the countered with "This is a guy who lived in one house for 5 and a half years, in prison!" Jesus Christ. Rudy Giuliani has 9/11, John McCain has his POW experience. Take a shot every time Mr. McCain brings up this sad chapter in his life.

John McCain utters the phrase "Country First": One thing that I wish Obama would point out is how John McCain "the soldier" is a hero while John McCain "the candidate" is a spineless coward. Whenever John McCain uses the term "Country First", it is directly questioning Barack Obama's patriotism. No doubt about it. But when interviewers have directly asked McCain whether he's attacking Obama's love of the country or not, he feigns outrage - as if you are accusing him of the unthinkable. Because of his POW experience people give him a pass on this steaming pile of bullshit. Anyway, tonight throw one back every time he uses the phrase "Country First".

John McCain talks about "The surge": To mask the fact that he was a cheerleader of one of the biggest foreign policy disasters in our nations history, he's spent the better part of his campaign championing the "success" of the surge and his correct judgement in supporting it. Lobotomized journalists have even fallen for John McCain's butchering of the facts and asked Obama why he can't bring himself to admit that the surge worked. Expect the surge to be talked about with great emotion and pride by John McCain tonight, despite the fact that the Sunni Awakening and the Shiite government going after the militias well before the surge helped reduce the violence. Not to mention that the success of the surge hinged on a changing political landscape in Iraq, that hasn't happened. That being said, take one to the head every time John McCain mentions "The Surge" tonight.

John McCain uses the phrase "My friends" in a sentence: This is for hardcore alcoholics only.

Fareed Zakaria lets loose on Sarah Palin