Thursday, December 30, 2004

"Lets Get Ready To RUUUMBLE!!!" How I got a Girl Beat the Fuck up!

I have come to realize ever since my 21st birthday that I am everyone's "Bar Buddy". Let me explain: For some reason I am a guy that people feel compelled to talk to in a bar. I can't begin to tell you how many strangers in bars have started just unloading their deepest secrets upon me. I don't know what it is, but I guess I have one of those faces.

Anyway, there is a neighborhood bar that I go to, not because it is a particularly good bar, but because it is close to my house and the fear of me getting a D.U.I. decreases greatly.(I have come to understand from women that I've dated that my butt is rather pleasing to the eye, but having such a attribute makes a straight brother want to avoid jail at all cost.)

Around the election time I was in my local watering hole talking about politics with some republican asshole, but what stuck out about the confrontation was that his girlfriend was by his side really getting mad at me. She kept spouting out typical right wing idiocies(i.e John Kerry is a pussy/ Bush will make us safer/Bush is taking care of those sand niggers!) "Sand Niggers?" I said. I proceeded in calling her a racist piece of shit and telling the gentlemen I was having the original conversation with that he should proceed and "put a leash on his bitch." I just knew that he would take offense but I guess he realized the ignorant things that came from his girlfriends mouth and began apologizing for her. I shook his hand, and that was that.

Since then I have seen(her name is Chrissy) Chrissy a few times and each time she gives me the ice grill like she wants to kill me. I usually ignore her and go about my business. That was until Christmas Night!

Let me introduce Suzy to you: Suzy is one of those "bar buddies" that I have known for quite a while now. Suzy is a 35 year old Latina women who thinks she's 20. I swear, 95% of our conversations have something to do with her "beating some bitch's ass". The other 5% of our conversations are about her bi-sexuality, and how many more chicks she could get than me. She's a bunch of laughs, but when she gets hammered she becomes belligerent.

Apparently, Chrissy and Suzie had exchanged words earlier in the evening. Suzy came over to me and said, "HumanityCritic, that bitch don't know me!! She's lucky I'm trying to be good!"

(Suddenly a devil appeared on my shoulder)

Devil: Hey Critic, why don't you gas up Suzy so she goes over there and punch that bitch in the face?? She called Iraqi's "sand Niggers" for Christ sakes! Plus, she has been grilling you for months!!

Me: But I'm 31 devil, isn't that Immature?? I have made efforts to grow as a man, wouldn't instigating a fight undermine that growth??

(HumanityCritic waits for a Angel to appear on his other shoulder, but a second devil appears)

Devil #2: Did you expect a Angel to pop up?? Hell, didn't you know that after a few drinks that motherfucker is A.W.O.L?? I agree with my devil brethren, lets all get that Bush loving racist beat the fuck up!!

"HumanityCritic!!, you are zoning out!!", Suzy said. "My Bad" I replied, "What were you saying again??" She then proceeded in telling me how Chrissy bumped her and called her a bitch, and that Chrissy was lucky the she didn't smack her. Then I said, "That girl has a history of disrespecting people in here". I went on and said, "Yeah, last week she got into it with this puertorican girl and said that all Latina girls were sluts! Suzy replied, "No that bitch didn't, No she didn't!" "Yep" I replied, "There is something else I want to tell you but, ahh forget it". "What", she said, "Tell me!!" I paused for a second, trying to search for that Angel to pop on my shoulder and stop me, but it was apparent that his ass wasn't showing up. Knowing that I was going to be disappointed with myself later, I told Suzy, "Last week your ex was here and she was trying to get with him. All over that dude." I knew that I had lit the fuse, but the funny thing about my plot to get that girls ass kicked was that I didn't really lie that much. Chrissy did get into it with a puertorican girl before and called her a slut(I exaggerated that story no less, but not that much) and she DID try to hit on her ex boyfriend..

Suzy, began taking her rings off, I knew it was on. She walked over to the girl who had referred to Iraqi's as "sand Niggers" a few months before and belted her in the face.(**POW!!**) "Ohh Shit!!" I yelled out. Drinks were flying, Suzy was beating the brakes off this girl. The bouncer quickly pulled Suzy off the girl, and escorted Suzy out. There wasn't any cop involvement so I was happy about that. Minutes later Chrissy sat down and asked anyone that listened, "Did any of you see me beat that bitch's ass?" I said, "I witnessed you getting your ass BEAT! Next time, try not to block so many punches with your face."

Looking back, like many of my impulsive decisions in my life, I felt bad that I instigated that altercation.

(angel appears)

Angel: What have you done?

Me: Now you show up?? Where was your ass an hour ago?

Angel: Did you not learn anything from your boy dying in a club altercation a couple of months ago..

Me: I know, I know..Shit

Angel: But I know it felt good to see that racist piece of trash be on the business end of a beating, huh??

Me: Yeah, it felt pretty good..

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

In Defense of Kobe Bryant

Court T.V Anchor: Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, we are outside the courtroom of public opinion where the HumanityCritic will defend the public perception of Kobe Bryant. This won't be like his victorious freestyle battle against Bush months ago, because experts say that the HumanityCritic has a uphill battle, being that the world has seemed to turned against the one time media darling. Plus, the HumanityCritic accidentally erased his blog the other day, so he hasn't really been in top form lately. (clutching earpiece) I'm getting word that the court session is beginning. Lets watch the proceedings take place.

(Inside the Courtroom)

Judge:(banging gavel) Order in the court! Order in the court! Public opinion Vs. Kobe Bryant. Can we hear opening arguments. Prosecution?

Prosecution: Thank you your honor. Ladies and Gentleman, you will see today how one man singlehandedly brought down a dynasty. From rape allegations, selfish play, the alienation of teammates, running his mouth to police, and being responsible for getting rid of a Hall of Fame coach and arguably the Best center to ever play the game. His public "fall from grace", as I will prove today, is entirely his fault. Thank you.

Judge: Defense?

HumanityCritic: Ladies and Gentlemen, I will systematically poke holes in many of the flimsy claims from the prosecution today. I admit, that many of Mr. Bryants problems are ones that were brought upon himself, but there is blame to be shared by all here. I believe that Kobe Bryant has been the fall guy for a guy that couldn't back away from the buffet table when he was in L.A, and a coach who really didn't want him around in the first place, and a media that is irresponsible and treats black men like life-long criminals. Thank you.

Judge: Prosecution call your first witness

Prosecution: Thank you your honor. The prosecution calls Phil Jackson(Jackson is sworn in) Mr Jackson, can you briefly tell me some of the problems you had with Kobe?

Jackson: Sometimes he would undermine my authority and we were engaged in a kind of intellectual warfare. Coaching him became a nightmare.

Prosecution: So Kobe would openly question your authority?

Jackson: Yes, plus he never wanted to run the triangle offense in the first place. He handled the ball too much, and I know for a fact that he was responsible for me being let go.

Prosecution: Thank you.

(HumanityCritic begins to question Jackson)

HumanityCritic: Mr. Jackson, you have mentioned today and in previous statements that Kobe questioned authority, shot the ball too much, and pretty much set his own rules. Is that correct?

Jackson: Yes, that's correct.

HumanityCritic: But by reading various accounts of many of your ex-players from the Bulls days, it seems that another player that you coached behaved in the same exact way. I guess Kobe's actions were unacceptable because his name wasn't MICHAEL JORDAN!!

Prosecution: I object! He's badgering my witness

HumanityCritic:(in best Nino Brown Voice): Sit your 5 dollar ass down before I make change!! . .

Judge: I'll allow it

Jackson: Okay, I did show preferential treatment to Jordan but..

HumanityCritic: But what?? Why is it different now?? How about Dennis Rodman!!??

Jackson: Well, that is irrelevant. Kobe is responsible for having me let go!

HumanityCritic: Good, I'm glad you brought that up. I have been reading articles dating back 5 years ago, and talked to many people who know the interworkings of the Lakers, and I have learned that you tried to have Kobe traded many times. Is that true??

Jackson: Well, yeah. But only because he wasn't my type of player and I thought we could get a lot for him.

HC: The mere perception that Kobe got anyone "let go" is silly because Kobe doesn't own a team, but lets just say he was influential in getting you canned. Did you really think he would have your back after you tried to have the man traded time and time again?? This is how I feel that conversation went between Kobe and the Lakers owner Jerry Buss..(HumanityCritic re-enacts conversation)

<<Buss: Hey Kobe, since you are a perenial all-star, first team all-NBAer, franchise player that's not even in his prime yet, I think we might want to resign you.
Kobe: OK, but can you do me one favor first?
Buss: Name it.

Kobe: Can you get rid of the guy who has been trying to trade me for the past five years?
Buss: You mean the guy who couldn't win a championship last year with an All-Star team?
Kobe: Uh-huh.
Buss: Gee Kobe, that's a tall order can I think about that?
Kobe: Sure. (two seconds later)
Buss: OK, Phil is gone.
Kobe: Thanks.>>

HC: Do you blame the guy??

Jackson: I guess you have a point

HC: Get your zen master ass off the stand!

Judge: Next up, Shaquille O'Neal

(Shaq is sworn in)

Prosecution: Shaq, because this blog is getting way too long can you briefly express your frustrations towards Mr. Bryant.

Shaq: Kobe and I were never friends and he alienated teammates. He didn't understand that I was the man in L.A.. He ran Phil out, ran me out, distracting the team because of all his "legal trouble", then when he got arrested he blabbed to the cops and said that I cheated on my wife!! The media hates this guy now and I'm loving it, plus I am in a better situation in Miami.

(HumanityCritic approaches the stand)

HC: Shaq, isn't it true that you left when you found out that Phil wasn't coming back

Shaq: Thats right

HC: But you just said that Kobe ran you out, which one is it motherfucker??!!

Shaq:He inadvertently ran me out?

HC: Huh?? Anyway, you claim that Kobe wasn't a team player, but couldn't you say that you weren't a team player either? Coming to camp out of shape, taking your time to have surgery, and ballooning to weights that would qualify you to be the fourth member of the Fat boys.. Come on Mr. O'Neal!!

Shaq: Ok, I love cake, what can I say? But I'm in shape now and I try my best not to even talk about Kobe. I have Class!

HC: I have heard you say this before, that you have "class". But class is something that you can't really assign to yourself, it is as foolish as calling yourself "sexy". You claim that you don't talk about Kobe but every interview you do is about Kobe. When you don't talk about Kobe you are taking subliminal shots, like when you say, "The teammates I have now share the ball, and they are REALLY team players." What kind of crap is that?? If you are going to talk about someone don't be a pussy, call them out. You haven't shown any class Mr. O'Neal. I didn't see any class when you refused to meet Kobe and the other team captains in the center of the court, which is customary before each game. Just because you have a fucking grudge!

Shaq: What a minute!! How dare you talk to me like that? For one thing, Kobe's image is damaged because he cheated on his wife! Don't you think his image is damaged forever?

HC: It didn't seem to hurt Bill Cosby, Michael Jordan, and Bill Clinton that much..

Shaq: Wow, good examples! Ok, but what about him blabbing to the cops about me?

HC: I agree, that was a bitch move. But it is public knowledge that Kobe isn't street smart. Writers go on and on about how Kobe isn't "from the streets". I feel that the media is making too much of this because the man was being accused of rape for Christs sake!! I might get a little chatty myself if some cops in colorado accused me of raping a white woman..

Shaq: Whatever, I'm out of here. You are lucky I don't whip your ass HumanityCritic

HC: You won't do shit, especially since this is my blog and in this motherfucker I will beat your ass. Can I give you advice? Put the mic down you wack non-rapping son of a bitch! By the way, Kazzam sucked ass!

Judge: Closing Statements?

Prosecution: I think the evidence speaks for itself. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, Kobe has proven to not only be a selfish player, but a backstabber. He is the reason for Shaq leaving, Phil leaving, and his public image taking a hit is well deserved. Don't have any pity on this accused rapist and serial ballhog. Thank you.

HC: Ladies and Gentlemen, what have we learned today? We have learned that a former teammate of Kobe is saying that he isn't a team player, when he himself couldn't stay in shape and always came to training camp overweight. We have learned from a ex-coach of Kobe that he had him canned, but we also learned that that same coach had tried to have Kobe traded time and time again. It is my assesment, that Kobe didn't owe these men any type of loyalty at all. The media is acting like Kobe Bryant is a bad person, who eats babies in his spare time. Give me a fucking break..

Judge: Jury, it is on you? Has the HumanityCritic made a legitimate defense or is he full of shit like always. Through your comments from the blogisphere, we will get a verdict in this case. Don't worry, you won't hurt HC's feelings, just tell it like it is.. Let the comments begin!

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Dear Mama, I ain't mad at ya, but I'm not a big fan of Tupac

As I write this, I understand that I have a lot of opinions that aren't shared by many people. For example, I don't think Ron Artest is a animal, I think that Tupac is overrated, and I think that Shaquille O'Neal is just as much of a bitch as Kobe is.(For someone who says that they aren't thinking about Kobe, why is every interview Shaq does about Kobe. Shaq, you are equivalent to a scorned lover. One who still calls regularly, drives by the house, and can't keep your ex lover's name out of your mouth. I keep expecting Kobe to say, "Didn't I break up with you motherfucker??!!)

Anyway, the mere fact that I think that Tupac is overrated angers people, and it seems as if I have spoken ill about God. I'm sorry, I think the man was a good artist but he just is totally overrated. I won't go into why I think that but a very interesting thing happened a few days ago. A friend of mine named Derek and I were talking about Hip Hop. Derek and I have been friends since we were kids, but over the past few years we have grown apart. During our conversation I mentioned how I thought that Tupac was overrated. A look of frustration came over his face and he said, "You are crazy! What kind of bullshit are you on??" I said, "I just don't think he was that great, that's all. I just think that his death made him greater than he actually was in the public eye." Growing increasingly angrier he said, "That's why you like that bullshit. Everyone you like can't hold a candle to Tupac!" With an asshole smirk I answered, "Krs one, Rakim, Public Enemy, Tribe?? Are you kidding me? Tupac was a great artist, but he left a lot to be desired when it came to raw lyricism.

"This was the straw that broke the camel's back, he then tried a different angle. He said, "The reason you don't feel Tupac is because you never had to struggle. You were never homeless. You don't understand the streets!! He rapped about shit you can't understand. You had two parents, education, that is why your dumb ass can't comprehend Tupac."

He looked at me like he put me in my place, and by him slipping that "dumb" in there I realized that it was getting personal. I think he expected me to retreat, but instead I erupted with a big gust of laughter. My rant in response went a little like this: "Ha, ha, ha,ha. You are joking right? Motherfucker, for one thing you and I come from the same area, same high school, and your miserable ass had two parents also. When did you need to be from the same background as a artist to understand their music. Do I have to be from the trailer park to understand Eminem? Do I have to be from Brooklyn to get Biggie? Do I have to be from Seattle to understand Nirvana lyrics?? Exactly, your point was the stupidest thing I heard since Bush got re-elected. By the way, you had a supportive family but you chose to go to the ghetto, you chose to be homeless because you wanted to prove to people that "you were down", so don't give me any of your fucking sob stories.." He promptly said "Fuck You" and stormed out of my house. As he left I thought two things. 1)That people sure get pissed off when you criticize Tupac and 2)If I keep this up, I won't have any friends left.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

The "What in the Fuck were you thinking" Awards of 2004

These awards are given out to individuals that have done things in 2004 that were "questionable". Whether it be quotes they have made, career moves, regrettable actions..These people have been awarded the "What in the fuck were you thinking" Award of 2004.

Halle Berry: Halle, I love, I really do. But I have to ask you, what was that catwoman debacle you put out earlier this year. For one thing, the movie was a 2 hour music video, just embarrassing. Plus you overreacted so much I thought I was watching Shaquille O'Neil's performance in Kazzam. Listen, you are a respectable actress, albeit overrated, but don't go back to the days when you released garbage like B.A.P.S. I have to ask you, what in the fuck were you thinking??

Bill O'Reilly: It is no secret that I think this man is human excrement, but Billy Boy had a huge faux paus in 2004. With all his talk about "moral values" and how Ludacris is ruining America, it came out that FOX news' major star has a habit of sexually harassing coworkers by calling them on the phone at all hours. The following is a excerpt of a Bill O'Reilly phone call that he made to his executive producer Pamela Mackris: <<"You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and I'd join you and you would have your back to me and I would take that little loofa thing and kinda soap up your back... rub it all over you, get you to relax, hot water... and um... you know, you'd feel the tension drain out of you and uh you still would be with your back to me then I would kinda put my arm -- it's one of those mitts, those loofa mitts you know, so I got my hands in it... and I would put it around front, kinda rub your tummy a little bit with it, and then with my other hand I would start to massage your boobs, get your nipples really hard... 'cuz I like that and you have really spectacular boobs...">> Bill, you smooth seducer you, you had me at "loofa". This just proves that you are not only a steaming pile of fecal matter, but a hypocrite to boot. Bill, What in the fuck were you thinking??

John McCain: Mr. McCain, out of all the low class republicans that I can name, you are one of the only republicans that I respect. You have a history of going with your conscious and not your party. But, how in the hell could you endorse Bush?? Listen, I'm not saying that you had to endorse Kerry, but George Bush's campaign staff spread rumors about your wife being a drug addict and you fathering a "black child" during the 2000 primaries. They even went as far as to question your patriotism, a man of your military respectability. It has been said that their underhanded tactics caused your family a lot of stress and turmoil at the time. So what do you do?? You embrace this Coke snorting, draft dodging son of a bitch! John McCain, what in the fuck were you thinking??

John Kerry: I love you man, but I have to be honest. I respect everything that you were about and you are a all around better person than George Bush. If you were president, you would get us out of the mess we are in now. But I have to say this: The past 6 months showed what happens when you run a clean and honest campaign, you get beat. I admire you wanting to run a respectable campaign, but the other side slung so mud it was hard for people to see your message clearly. It is like going into a fight, with the intentions of fighting fair, and your opponent keeps hitting you in the nuts. If you run again, remember that, and aim for the testicles.

Rudy Guiliani: Ok, he hasn't really done anything this year but I have to vent. This sack of shit has to be the most overrated politician outside of George W. Bush. People think he was "so brave" during 9/11, but I think that is giving him too much credit. Remember that Chris Rock joke when he was talking about not giving people credit for things they are "supposed to do"? If you are mayor of a major city you are supposed to be visible during a disaster, and give the city encouragement and leadership. Have we in America lowered the bar so low that we praise people for doing their job?? By the way Rudy, I remember how you were thought of on September 10, 2001: A philandering jackass, that targeted all black men as suspects. On your watch, the occasional greeting that a black man would get from police would be 5 warning shots in the back, or a plunger in your ass. You are a disgrace, you don't fool me.

Sports media:(Ron Artest): Ok, Ron Artest has a history of behavioral problems. Ron Artest isn't the smartest brother in the world. Ron Artest shouldn't have attacked that fan and he was definitely wrong for doing that. But sports media, Ron Artest isn't Scott Pederson!! You guys act like Artest killed a dozen school children. I know it is the media's job to paint black men as mentally unstable animals, but your coverage on Artest was mind numbingly stereotypical. Ron Artest has problems, but don't we all?? Sometimes I drift off and have imaginary conversations with my dead father, and I think that hip hop will be good again, so I have my own issues.

Sports Media(Barry Bonds): I know that Bonds recently admitted that he used steroids, and I know that it is wrong. But I am tired of hearing sportswriters trying to make fans hate Barry Bonds. The sad truth Mr. Sportswriter, fans don't give a fuck about steroids, they just want to see Barry hit that little white ball over the fence. It might sound foul(pun intended) but that's the truth. Sportswriters want you to hate Bonds because apparently he isn't that kind to sportswriters. So what, he dissed you not me..

News Media(politics): The news over the past 6 months has to be the most cowardice I have seen in all my 31 years. You let constant Bush misinformation slide, even though you knew he was factually inaccurate. You let those Swift Boat clowns get about 2 weeks of publicity, even though many of their claims against John Kerry were flat-out lies. I have equate the news media to my history with black cops. Some people would think that a black cop would treat me fairly, being that he is a fellow African American. But what happens is, because they are so conscious of showing preferential treatment towards you, they overcompensate and mistreat you. The news media, is so conscious of being labeled "liberal", they overcompensate and have a conservative tilt..

Dan Rather: Dan, Dan, Dan. Don't you know that you should verify your sources, you know better. Granted, even though the documents were suspect, the content behind them is pretty accurate. Bush DID have connections to get him in the National Guard. Bush WAS disciplined for mischievous behavior. Bush WAS AWOL from his duties for a considerable amount of time. But because the documents were questionable, people on FOX News who couldn't hold your journalistic jockstrap, are questioning your journalistic integrity. Dan, your career is exemplary, but What in the Fuck were you thinking??

Pat Robertson: {Since I live in the same town where his headquarters are at(Virginia Beach), I feel that I will be taken out after I write this. But screw it, it will be worth it.} This miserable excuse for a human being has been on my proverbial shitlist for a while, but most notably he has spent most of 2004 promoting disgusting right-wing ideologies and hinting at the fact that God prefers Bush. Not only that he said that "Kwanza is an absolute fraud". Besides the fact that Robertson has the habit of speaking out of a hidden orifice, everything about him sickens me. For one thing, the 700 club has to be the most vomit inducing show, rivaling fear factor. The hate-filled, racist things that come out of Robertsons mouth informs me that he is not a man of God. Hey Pat, if Jesus is as caring and considerate as I think he is, you will have some explaining to do when your time-card is punched.

HumanityCritic: Yes, I'm calling myself out. Sometimes I feel that I have tourette's or something, because the shit that comes out of my mouth is so troubling. My biggest problem is that I lack the ability to ignore people when they are rude, and I usually strike back with some unnecessary retort. Case in point: The other day I went to Blockbuster to get some videos and I handed the Clerk my money. He looked at my money and in a sarcastic voice said "Somebody needs a wallet", because the bills weren't facing the same direction. Immediately I said, "Somebody needs to keep their fucking comments to themselves, and serve their purpose." As soon as I left I felt bad because that wasn't called for. My New Years resolution: Be less of a prick in 2005.

Rush Limbagh: Limbaugh Quote:"There's nothing good about drug use. We know it. It destroys individuals. It destroys families. Drug use destroys societies. Drug use, some might say, is destroying this country. And we have laws against selling drugs, pushing drugs, using drugs, importing drugs. And the laws are good because we know what happens to people in societies and neighborhoods, which become consumed by them. And so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up." Really, you pill popping, drug addicted motherfucker! Look at you, hooked on Hillbilly heroin, fired from your sportscasting gig, the feds are breathing down your throat because you bought prescription drugs illegally, and Donavan McNabb is having a MVP caliber season. What do you have to say for yourself, you miserable bastard?? I know, his drug news broke in 2003 but I couldn't resist.

For the love of the "Nappy Dugout".

Nappy Dugout:(slang) Slang term used to describe a woman's genitalia. Vagina

As I was thinking back on my life the other day, it occurred to me that I have done some amazingly stupid things all in the pursuit of the "Nappy Dugout". What I have gone though just to receive a momentary feeling of pleasure would make people shake their head in disbelief. Here are some examples.

1. North Carolina!!!!!! I had a girlfriend that was originally from North Carolina, and she had moved back there at that time. During a very lonely Friday night, I asked if I could come over even though her new location was 3 hours away. Even though I hinted that I want some "affection", she never guaranteed anything. I drove all the way to her house, arriving at her house at 2 in the morning. It was clear early on that she wasn't trying to have sex, so like a five year old child I immediately left and drove back home. That action, almost proved to be fatal. On the way back home I had fallen asleep at the wheel and woke up with my car is some bushes alongside the highway.

2. Its getting hot in Herre: I don't know about anyone else, but I hate a hot ass house. I dated this girl who didn't want to come to where I was at, but said it was OK for me to come by her residence. Problem was it was early August, it was 90 degrees in the shade, and she didn't have AC. Once again, my "little head" was making all the decisions that night. I stepped inside her house and it was like walking inside a oven, to the point that I immediately nicknamed her crib "Little Africa". As we "did the do", the sweat was just pouring off our bodies like a waterfall.(There is good sweat and bad sweat, this my friends, was bad sweat) After we finished we laid in a literal pool of our own perspiration. It was so sad that we filled spray bottles with water, and sporadically shot it in the air so it would land on our smoldering bodies.

3.Runs House: As any of you may have guessed I love Run D.M.C. I had went to one of their shows a few years back with a young lady I was with at the time. We were enjoying the show, basking in the glow of legitimate Hip Hop when she whispered in my ear, "Lets get out of here. I want you right now!" I smiled and said, "That's great and all, but they are in the middle of doing "Runs House". I don't care if your vagina shot out 100 dollar bills, I ain't leaving!!" She grabbed me in a undisclosed location and slowly kissed my neck. I looked at her and said, "OK, lets go!." Even though she turned out to be rather "spirited" in the bedroom, you NEVER leave classic Hip Hop when its going on!

4. Don't stress it, get tested: I had a relationship going on with a lovely woman, who informed me that we weren't having sex until I got a Aids test. I respected that, no fault in that. So she took me to the local clinic and got a Aids test done because she wanted to be there every step of the way. I've had them done before, but before it was with a personal doctor who gave you the results immediately. With the free clinic, it takes like 2 weeks for your results to come in. For 14 days I agonized over each and every questionable piece of ass I had "been in" during the tenure of my sex life. Condoms are a must for me, but you never know about test results. Obviously I was disease free, and me and the young lady in question finally went on to have sex. I have admitted that I'm a piss poor lay, but she was absolutely horrible. For all the trouble I went through for shorty, I expected her to have porn star skills.

5. I love Reggae, I swear!!: This isn't going to be a very popular statement but I have to be honest, I kind if hate Reggae. I like Roots Reggae, Bob Marley, Peter Tosh, Third World, that stuff I can deal with. But I absolutely despise Dancehall. I know, how can a brother with dreadlocks hate dancehall?? I just do, I can't explain it. Anyway, I met this Jamaican chick named Marlene that loved Dancehall, it was her life. She had a backside that you could put a drink on, and...OK, you get the point. So, for about two months I led her to believe that I liked Dancehall also, even attending dancehall concerts to get a chance to see her naked. It worked, but the dishonesty was deplorable, and I spent all that time dancing to music that I despise. But it was educational though, through that experience I felt that I could be a great undercover cop, infiltrating organizations, pretending to be somebody else.

Monday, November 22, 2004

I Considered getting a Vasectomy!

A couple of weeks ago I was invited to my friend Calvin's house for a birthday party he was having for his sister. Well, it wasn't exactly a "party" it was more like a birthday gathering. The Birthday Girl in question, Karen, I have known for the better part of 16 years, through High School until now. She has always had a crush on me, always inquiring to Calvin about my whereabouts or girlfriend I might have at the time. She's a cute girl, with a shitload of intelligence, but dating her was out of the question. It wasn't a possibility for me because I value my friendship with Calvin, and the chances of me eventually being a asshole to her were pretty great. So I always tried to look at her like family, even though she doesn't view me the same way.

Anyway, I went to her "gathering" for a couple of reasons. 1) Because I knew that Calvin would have free alcohol and boy do I love free alcohol! 2) Since my boy Buddy died I felt like I've been a pretty shitty friend, so I wanted to hang out with Calvin 3) Karen is book smart but she lacks common sense.(one time she was watching videos with Calvin and I a few years ago and she said, "Look at them, you can tell they are lip-syncing!!" Then I said, "It's a video jackass!!) So she is always good for a few laughs.

I arrived at Calvin's house about 8:00. Karen was already there so I wished her a Happy Birthday and mentioned something about her ass looking delicious nowadays. She smiled, then we all(Calvin, me , Karen, and Calvin's girlfriend Jenn) proceeded to talk about everything from pop culture to politics. I hear the bathroom door open and in walks a girl that I automatically envision making amateur porn movies with. It is a pretty safe bet to say that I was probably drooling. As my saliva hit the floor like a waterfall Karen grabs my arm and says, "HumanityCritic, this is my friend Sheila." Sheila said, "hey, how are you doing?" I said, "Fine, are you a friend of Karen's?" Karen said, "I just said she was my friend Jackass!." I felt rather small, but Karen got me good.

Sheila jumped in the conversation, and that is where my amateur porn fantasies were all but a distant memory. For one thing she is married, to a drug dealer, and she brags about him being a drug dealer. Secondly, she got his name tattooed on her neck, arm and back.(When I heard this I said, "Are you his wife or cattle??) She also told me that it was her "dream" to be a video girl in a rap video.Then she was telling me why she voted for Bush, and miraculously this voluptuous sexual goddess that I had pictured in my mind suddenly turned into the neighborhood crackhead. In the end I am glad, because even though I will never date Karen, I didn't want to hurt her feelings by staring at her friend's breasts all night.( I ain't going to lie, I still took the occasional peek now and then)

Calvin gets a phone call from his brother Kevin, saying that him and his kids will be over soon. When Calvin tells Karen that their brother is on his way with his kids, Karen says, "Not those bad ass kids!!" I thought to myself that those kids couldn't be that bad, boy was I wrong. As soon as those crumb-snatching bastards walked in they hit the house like a adolescent tornado, taking out everything in sight. I sat there and politely smiled, waiting for their parents to control them. I mean, these kids were yelling, screaming, throwing things, jumping on me, doing cartwheels. I kept waiting for someone to say something, but nothing happened.

That is when I couldn't take anymore and said, "Kevin, can't you control these motherfuckers!!? Jesus man!!" Kevin said, "HumanityCritic, they're just playing".I said, "They aren't playing, that is what I call criminal mischief!" Then Kevin said, "You don't have kids so you don't understand." Right away I pointed out, "Everybody understands the universal language of "bad ass kid". You don't have to be a parent to know when a kid needs their ass beat." As I sat down and watched these kids do things that would get most adults locked up in some countries, I thought about the advantages of getting a vasectomy. No unruly kids, no discipline, no hassle. Plus, if I ever get famous and a woman that I have given horrible sex to claims that I am the father of her love child, at least I know that there is a 95 percent chance that she is full of shit.

But then I snapped out of it. Listen, I love children, I really do. But people have to understand the importance of discipline so their kid doesn't grow up to be a piece of shit, or even worse, a black republican. I don't believe in child abuse but I believe that you should start laying down the ground rules early on. Looking back, I didn't get a lot of spankings. My father would just have to mention a beating and I would straighten up, that is because he laid the groundwork early. When I am a parent, my form of discipline will be more cerebral, not just spankings.(Unless the future mother of my children wants to be "disciplined", but that is a entirely different story. Boy, do I hope that she is into that!) I am tired of seeing some unruly kid whose parents find their behavior "cute". Newsflash: That shit isn't cute, and you look like a delinquent parent for not handling your business. Lastly, I'm tired of seeing kids that know the words to a rap song and the little fucker can't spell their name. Note to parents: You don't want your kids becoming Bobby Brown..

Friday, November 19, 2004

"Do the Ladies run this motherfucker"? Hell Yeah

**Originally posted on November 19, 2004**

Because of the fact that we can't hop into a 85' Dolorean and go back in time, many of are stuck with the consequences of our actions. But in the blog world, where you can go back into your archives and go through an opinion you once had, you can see where your ideas and writing style has either progressed or regressed. Anyway, another blogger had linked this old post of mine, comparing it to the female MC's that he considers to be the best of all time. He was in no way dissing me, he had a pretty good list to be honest with you. But his post made me read this archival post again, and it sparked off an idea that I had. Like I said this is an old post, but under each entry I will comment on how my opinion has changed or strengthened over the past year. My new commentary will be in italics.

1. MC Lyte- Hands down, my favorite female rapper of all time. Ever since "Paper Thin" she has been holding it down for not only females, but for any human being that enjoys pure Mic skills. People say that there aren't any great female Mc's nowadays, and I agree, but maybe its because Lyte set the bar so fucking high. Brilliant writer, classic delivery, razor Sharp voice, and she is royalty when it comes to the diss track. She is the first female to let me know that a woman can be as good as or better than a man at anything. She was the first rapper to perform at Madison Square Garden, and she is first on my list.

I still agree with this, she was revolutionary and she had something that not many people have nowadays, good albums. I had a friend of mine blurt out all of these underground Female Mc's as his opinion of the greatest of all time. I openly reject his choices because some of them are overrated for their lyrical prowess because of the horrible shape that Hip Hop is in, and most people don't know they fucking exist. The issue of them having sub-par albums doesn't help matters. Lyte, had solid albums unlike a slew of underground female MC's. So, if you have a "underground MC's that are OK, and you might have never heard of" list, then I will listen to you.

2. Queen Latifah- The first time I heard her was on her first single "Princess of the Posse" and her performance on that track proved that she was a force to be reckoned with. Her album "All Hail the Queen" is a Hip Hop classic with some of my personal favorites like "Queen of Royal Badness", "Ladies First", and her collaboration with De la Soul called "Mama gave birth to the Soul Children". She was the first female rapper to really push Female empowerment in her lyrics. She pushed that agenda on classic albums like "Black Reign" proving her place in Hip Hop history. She has moved on to be successful in television and films, but we all know that she started with a Mic in her hand.

I still agree with this, even though she has turned into the Queen of Rap into a wanna-be Ella Fitzgerald. She held it down, providing the masses with two quality albums, always promoting a positive influence in the world of Hip Hop.

3. Lauryn Hill- Mostly known as a gifted songstress, many fans have seen her grow lyrically throughout her years spent as a member of the Fugees. In my personal opinion she would be my number one choice if rhyming was her priority, and if she had more of a catalog of Hip Hop songs to her credit. Versatile rhyme flow, unmatched vocabulary, dazzling voice, and a delivery that epitomized precision. Looking back, I can see that she carried 90% of the lyrical workload on The Fugees album "The Score". She is a great singer, but if she concentrated more on being a MC she would be the best female rapper by far.

I love Lauryn, I really do, but she can't be ranked higher than # 3 because she doesn't have one solo Hip Hop album under her belt. You can point out her verses on "Fugees" albums, guest appearances on other people's songs, mixtape rhymes, book signings, bar mitzvah's, bake sales, but until she has one CD displaying her rhyming skill where she doesn't mostly sing on it,, she can't be no higher that #3. She is kind of like a basketball player with all the skill in the world, who settles for 3 point shots instead of driving to the whole and dunking on a motherfucker. She is lyrically gifted, but she needs to see a fucking shrink and put out a god-damned Hip Hop record already!!

4. Da Brat- People will question this choice but let me explain. When the Brat's career first started many complained that she was trying too hard to be a female Snoop. But one thing was evident, even early on, that the Chicago native had a flawless delivery and rhyme skills to boot. You can question her song concepts, her image, but you can't question her skills. Out of everyone on my list, she is the only person that I know of that has impeccable freestyle skills, adding to her arsenal. She is the first solo female MC to go platinum which is quite the accomplishment. Her career has suffered, primarily because she fell victim to what many female artists are pressured to do, "sexy up" their image. But at the end of the day her skills are undenyable.

Yeah, I was bugging when I typed this, I know. I just think that Da Brat has a world of untapped lyrical skill that will never be realized because of the current state of Hip Hop, her misguided attempts to come off as sexy when all I care about are her skills, and having a midget albatross like Jermaine Dupree around her neck contributing to the wackness. A year later, she doesn't belong on this list.

5. Roxanne Shante- She is the Harriet Tubman of females in Hip Hop. Of course she isn't the first female rapper in history, but she is the first female MC that mattered. From her classic battles with UTFO, she has proven that she is fearless and commanded the utmost respect. Part of the legendary Juice Crew which included the likes of Big Daddy Kane, Kool G Rap, and Biz Markie, she wasn't any sort of "female sidekick" but she was a equal part of the crew. She is the model for what every female rapper should aspire to be.

I still agree with this choice, you can't front on Roxanne. I agree with the rest of this list as well.

6. Bahamadia- This Philadelphia bred M.C first made her mark on cameo appearances on tracks with The Roots, but she soon proved that she could rock the Mic all by herself. Like Lauryn, Bahamadia has a enormous vocabulary, excellent delivery, and a hypnotic rhyme flow. Even though she has one noteworthy album, she has proven herself worthy of being on this list because of her lyrical capabilities.

Honorable Mention

*Monie Love- Debuted on Queen Latifah's "Ladies First", this London M.C showed America that England wasn't all tea and crumpets. She displayed a quick delivery, and lyrical prowess that female rappers today would be hard pressed to deal with. The reason she isn't on my favorite list is because she had mediocre albums, and wasn't in the game very long.

*Boss- When she first came out I thought she was the best thing since sliced bread. Her song "Deeper" is still one of my personal favorites, displaying her gritty rhyme flow about street life. She was lyrical, with a aggressive rhyme style, and a take no prisoners persona. Her debut album was her only noteworthy album, after which she virtually disappeared from the hip hop scene.

*Heather B- She should win the "Most improved M.C" Award, because when she was a member of BDP she was garbage. But when she left BPD, did The Real World and waited a few years, she came back a new lyricist and made me a believer. The reason why she isn't on my favorite list because she doesn't really have any noteworthy albums, and possibly because I just didn't hear enough of her.

*Lady of Rage- She was the First Lady of Death Row Records, first showcasing her skills on Dr. Dre's "Chronic" album. She went solo and hit the world with "Afro puffs" which many people that I knew liked. She had a simple rhyme structure, but was lyrical and had a dynamic voice. She suffered from 1)Image issues that many females fall victim to 2) Lackluster production 3) She simply wasn't a priority for Dr. Dre and Death Row.

Glaring omissions? Let me explain.

Salt & Pepper- They were a legendary group, no doubt about that. But the sheer fact that Herbie Lovebug wrote their lyrics disqualifies them from my list. I love you ladies, but Sorry.

Foxy Brown- She is just "ok" to me, but I find her rather boring. Not only that, she doesn't have any songs that I would personally recommend. How many times can you rap about being a female thug who loves money??

LiL Kim-How do I hate thee, let me count the ways..But seriously, she is automatically disqualified because she hardly writes her own lyrics. She doesn't have any songs that stick with me, and she is basically all image. This is going to sound weird coming from me, being that I love porn and other filth more than the next guy, but I feel that her raunchy image hurts females who want to gain respect because of their skills. Again, how many times can you rap about getting money for sex, Versache, and your Vagina??

Eve- I think eve is legitimate, she just bores the piss out of me. That simple.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

101 Things that I Hate about YOU!

Even though I try to stay upbeat and maintain a positive attitude, there are a lot of things that piss me off. Some of these things might seem petty to some of you, but I wouldn't feel right if I wasn't honest about some of the things that irritate me. These are various examples of things that get me upset during any given day. Here we go..

People that eat with their mouth open- I know this irritates a lot of people, but I hate when people do this. Its not so much the sight but the sound of it that makes me want to slap the shit out of someone. Close your mouth you fucking barbarian!

People who make a "Ahhh" sound after taking a drink- This is really petty but this truly irritates me. What in the hell is the "ahhh" for?? My theory is, if you haven't just finished running a marathon, completing a vigorous work-out, or trekking through a desert, there shouldn't be any damn "ahh" sounds!!!!

Serena's outfits- I don't really mind what Serena wears and I feel that she is a awesome tennis player.(not to mention a backside that you could bounce a quarter on, Sweet Jesus!) The problem I have is that she seems more concerned about what she wears on the court, and not about actually winning matches. Message to Serena: Nobody cares what you wear if you are getting your ass handed to you in the first round.

Black Republicans- I have written about this before but it has to be readdressed. Not only do I feel that many black republicans are delusional in thinking that their party embraces them, they have turned their back on their own people. Whenever I see any of them on T.V, for some reason I can't stop thinking about them being a modern day minstrel show. Truly pathetic. Message to them: Your party uses you to say that they are "diverse" then they hide your black ass away until the next election cycle. Shame on you, House Negro peasant..

Eminem Albums- This pains me to admit because I was one of his biggest defenders early on. The simple fact is that he doesn't make great albums, as awesome a MC as he is. He has good songs in his overall catalog, but he hasn't made one solid, cohesive album. Not only that, he needs to stop producing because many of his beats are just downright pedestrian. Message to Eminem: You have a good following, you will go platinum no matter what, don't you think it's about time you stop pandering to the TRL crowd and make some classic Hip Hop??My

Mailman- I feel me and this postal clown are going to get into fisticuffs any day now. For a long time my mail came at 2:00, like clockwork. Now, since the arrival of the new mailman, he drags his ass to the point that the mail gets here at 4:30. That is 2 and a half hours later!! When he drops off the mail I give him a "its about damn time" look, and a few times have been close to confronting him about his piss poor service. I always chicken out though because you never know who has a automatic weapon nowadays. Hence the word "postal"..

Women who say that they "like thugs"- This has to be one of the most shallow comments that I hear from women. Maybe I am out of touch, but I don't see the glamor of being with somebody with a criminal record, bad manners, a person who promotes the bastardization of the English language, and someone who mistreats you. Not to mention, many of the same men that some of you women characterize as "thugs" are the same cowards that find me in the club and say, "Hey man, you got my back, I think this guy has beef me me??." You call them thugs, I say their heart pumps pure Kool-Aid.

People who are still racially unaware- As a die hard liberal that I am, I love all people of all colors. Sadly though, there are many that are still racially ignorant even if they have good intentions. Questions or statements that set me off include:- "You are cool for a black guy." "Wow, you are sooo articulate." "Do you wash your hair?" "I have plenty of black friends." "Black people say it, why can't I use the word "nigger"".-- People, it is 2004 for Christs sake, it pains me that I am having the same conversations with people that I had in 3rd grade..

Early morning "pillow talk"- whenever you are with someone in a "intimate" fashion it could be a beautiful thing. What is not so beautiful is early in the morning, when the other person wants to bombard you with non-stop conversation as soon as you wake-up. Can a brother get a minute to gather his thoughts?? Message to early morning babblers: Don't take this personally, but SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

Old School Rappers who mislead us- I love Chuck D, Krs One, Dougie Fresh, and other old school pioneers,but they piss me off sometimes. Whenever any of these cats are asked about the current state of Hip Hop they always say complementary things about modern rap, and they utter some garbage about "Hip Hop's growth." Chuck, Kris, Doug...Stop it, You all know damn well that the current state of Hip Hop is in shambles! I never thought a artist that once said "fuck Elvis", talked about kidnapping the governor of Arizona for not approving a MLK Holiday, and dissecting the history of black cops would be so politically correct.

Sensitive ass Local MC's- My motto is, if you don't like scary answers then don't ask scary questions. There is a local group that I flat-out think is wack, but I never made my belief public. A girl that I know asked me what I thought of said group and I proceeded in telling her what I thought, explaining to her how horrible this group was and that they need to reconsider their career options. Little did I know that she was a girlfriend of one of the guys in that group. Fast forward a few weeks and I see him at a show and he confronts me about my comments. I think that he thought that I would backtrack on my statements being that he was face to face with me. Being the asshole that I am I said, "Yeah, I said that yall were wack, pretty damn horrible come to think about it." He called me a "Hater" so I proceeded on quoting Common: "If its wack then its wack, it don't mean that I'm hating." Then I said, "Everyone in your group sounds like someone else. One dude sounds like Pharoahe Monch, one sounds like Mos Def, and your ass sounds like Jay-Z. If you want me to say positive shit about your group then I suggest you get your own fucking identity!!". Lets just say he wasn't too pleased with my point of view.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Eloquent ways to say "fuck you!" on a track: My favorite diss records..

From as long as I can remember, I have been a fan of the age old diss track. Some people love them because they say diss tracks are a essential part of hip hop history and display the competitive spirit of the genre. Some people hate diss tracks because they feel that they perpetuate everything negative about hip hop.(i.e bragging, inciting violence, ect.) Personally I love them because they are usually straight to the point, mean spirited, and it tests the true skills of your favorite MC. Here are a few of my favorites..

Artist: Boogie Down Productions
Song: The Bridge Is Over
Target:Juice Crew(MC Shan, Roxanne Shante, Marley Marl)
Classic lines:"Because Shan and Marley Marl dem-a-rhymin like they gayPickin up the mic, mon, dem don't know what to saySayin that hip-hop started out in QueensbridgeSayin lies like that, mon, you know dem can't live"

"I finally figured it out, Magic mouth is used for suckinRoxanne Shante is only good for steady fuckin""What's the matter with your MC, Marley Marl?Don't know you know that he's out of touch,What's the matter with your DJ, MC Shan?On the wheels of steel Marlon sucks"

Song: Shut The Eff Up!(Hoe)
Artist: MC Lyte
Target: Antoinette
Classic line:"Step back, let the Lyte shineDo not say shit till you write your own rhyme"

Song: Second Round K.O
Artist: Cannibus
Target: LL Cool J
Classic lines:

"I studied your background, read the book that you wrote/Researched your footnotes, bout how you used to sniff coke"

"You walk around showin off your body cause it sells/Plus to avoid the fact that you ain't got skills/Mad at me cause I kick that shit real niggaz feel/While 99% of your fans wear high heels"

"And if you really want to show off, we can get it on/Live in front of the cameras on your own sitcom/I'll let you kick a verse, fuck it, I'll let you kick em all/I'll even wait for the studio audience to applaud/ [cheers]Now watch me rip the tat from your arm/Kick you in the groin, stick you for your Vanguard award/In front of your mom your 1st, 2nd and 3rd born/Make your wife get on the horn call Minister Farrakhan"

Song: Ether
Artist: Nas
Target: Jay-Z
Classic lines:
"Is he Dame Diddy, Dame Daddy or Dame Dummy?/Oh, I get it, you Biggie and he's Puffy/Rockafeller died of AIDS, that was the end of his chapter/And that's the guy y'all chose to name your company after?"

"You a fan, a phony, a fake, a pussy, a Stan/I still whip your ass, you thirty-six in a karate class"

"So little shorty's gettin gunned up and clapped quick/How much of Biggie's rhymes is gon' come out your fat lips?"

Song: No Vaseline
Artist: Ice Cube
Target: N.W.A
Classic lines:
"First you was down with the AK,and now I see you on a video with Michel'le?"

"But if they were smart as me,Eazy E would be hangin' from a tree./With no vaseline, just a match and a little bit of gasoline./Light 'em up, burn 'em up, flame on...till that Jheri curl is gone."

Song: "The Bitch in yoo"
Artist: Common
Target: Ice Cube, W.C, Mack 10
Classic lines:
"Now what the fuck I look like dissing a whole coast/You ain't made shit dope since AmeriKKKa's Most""Hyprocrite, I'm filling out your Death Certificate/Slanging bean pies and St Ide's in the same sentence""Rap career is over, better off actingWhat trouble I see, you're managing WC and Wack 10"

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Don't Worry, I'm not moving to Paris

I woke up on November 3rd, 2004 hopeful that John Forbes Kerry would be our next President of the United States. I liked his chances because Iraq is a mess, people have lost their jobs, and Bush's administration is as corrupt as it gets. Not only that, I have the fundamental belief that Kerry is flat out a better person morally, intellectually, and when it comes to integrity. I jumped out of bed and turned on the t.v to find out that George W. Bush was the projected winner.

"What!! How can this be!!", I thought. On the news they were saying that it all came down to Ohio and Bush had gained more votes there."Ohio voted Bush?? Most of those motherfuckers lost jobs under that asshole. How stupid can you fucking get!", I yelled aloud. Overwhelmed by the bad news, the idiocy of the American people, and hard work I put in to get John Kerry elected I looked in the mirror and said, "My black ass is moving to France, fuck it!"

The first thing I did was I called my mother and told her I'm leaving. "Mom, you have been the best Mom a guy could of asked for. I love you, god bless you, but I'm moving to France.", I said. "What?", she replied. "I have to leave. Bush is a blundering idiot and the American people who voted for him should be beaten within a inch of their lives." "You're not going anywhere, stop playing boy!" she uttered. "Bye mom", I replied and hung up the phone.

Next I called every girlfriend that I ever had and not only told them that I'm leaving, but also apologized. Apologized for being distant, sarcastic, and probably giving them the worst sex of their lives. Suffice it to say I received various types of reactions. I then started frantically throwing clothes in a suitcase, gathering whatever I could find.

After that, I figured it was a good idea to find out how much money a one way ticket to France is. "7000 Dollars!! Jesus!", I shouted. "Screw it, its a small price to pay for freedom", I thought. I rushed out the door wearing a wife beater(which isn't too flattering for a brother that could stand to lose a few lbs.), boxer shorts with the image of Sade on them, and pink bunny slippers. I wasn't concerned with my appearance, I was focused on leaving this horrible country.

As I sped down the street, I was wondering what went wrong. Bush lied about the war. The economy is bad. People have lost their jobs. Kerry has the ability to complete a articulate sentence, something Bush can't do. Kerry bitch-slapped Bush in the debates. Halliburton. "How did we get here?", I wondered. I was half way to the airport when I saw a man driving a truck that had the words "Kerry is a liberal, and that's why he lost. He can't protect us" written on it. Enraged, I stopped my car, opened the trunk, and pulled out my tire iron. I jumped on the man's hood and proceeded in bashing the shit out of his truck. As I walked away from the battered car I shouted "Bush can't protect you either Motherfucker!!"

I jumped back in my car and anxiously raced to my destination. "France can't be so bad" I thought. "I'll get a chance to embrace a new culture, new cuisine, and I heard that women in France love "the brothers". Imagine the possibilities", I thought. When I got there, I kissed my car and said "Goodbye hooptie" and raced inside the airport. The lines were very long with people that had the same feeling that I did. This one lady was moving to Sweden, this Native American man was moving to England, and this guy I met named Rick told me that he was moving to Hawaii. Lets just say he was was disappointed and embarrassed when I politely informed him that Hawaii was part of the U.S. Got my ticket and raced upstairs to the gate that I was supposed to be at. The plane didn't take off for another hour so I waited patiently for my chance to escape this idiotic wasteland that I call my country. Next to me was a elderly black woman named Ella who sparked off the a conversation.

Ella: Hello young man, have you ever been to France.

Me: No ma'am, this is my first time. How about you?

Ella: This is my first time also. My son lives there with his wife and my grandkids. My husband couldn't make it because we can't afford another ticket. This is my husband John.(she motions to John)

John: Hello young man:

Me: Nice to meet you sir.

Ella: Why are you going to France.

Me: Because I can't take it anymore. Bush has just been re-elected and he was by far the inferior candidate. I put in so many hours volunteering for Kerry, trying to explain to people how he was the better choice. I constantly pointed out Bush's incompetence with facts and evidence to people I knew. He is a nightmare and people couldn't see that. It was decided in Ohio and most of those miserable bastards are jobless because of this president. I feel that my only choice is to leave the country.

Ella: Son, I don't mean to be rude but, that has to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard!

Me: What?

Ella: Listen, I agree that Bush isn't worthy of being president, but you leaving the country is just stupid.

Me: In what way?

Ella: "In what way"?? Kid, I am 72 years old. I have lived through segregation, lynchings, minstrel shows, not having the right to vote, deaths of family members by members of the Klan, sitting on the back of the bus, MLK being murdered, Malcolm being murdered, JFK being murdered, Bobby Kennedy being murdered, Medgar Evans being killed, Emmit Till being murdered. Did you know that Emmit Till was murdered because he whistled at a white woman??

Me: Yes ma'am, I knew that.

Ella: Did you know that they shot, stabbed, castrated.. They did everything to that boy. His mother had a open casket at his funeral so people would realize how serious things were and to make more people aware.

Me: I knew that too, and I totally respect what you are saying Ella, but what does that have to do with me leaving the country.

Ella: you aren't too bright are you? Through all of those trying times that I explained, people never gave up. What you are doing is giving up. Hell, if people would of given up we would still be slaves. Everything that is worth having(i.e freedom) involves a struggle. I got into politics because my people were being mistreated and I felt that I could help change things. Isn't that why you're into politics?

Me: Sure. Looking at it as a struggle puts it into perspective.

Ella: How did you first get into politics?

Me: Something my father said to me. First you have to understand that my father lived through a lot of the same things that you did, and he was a Vietnam veteran that did two terms there. I saw him cry ONE time. Not at funerals, or a movie, or even during the last days when he struggled with prostate cancer. The one time I saw him cry is when he told me that when he was in the Navy, men on his ship actually cheered when John F. Kennedy was shot. That must of been a painful memory for him. Hearing that not only outraged me, but it motivated me to get involved and make a difference.

Ella: Exactly. What would your dad say if he knew that you were abandoning the struggle? Leaving when you can do good for your country, your people, and future generations?

Me: He wouldn't be too pleased. Wow, you are right. The battle continues and I am now more motivated than ever. Thanks Ella!

Ella: No problem. I have to ask you a question: What in the hell are you wearing??

Me: Lets just say I was in a rush. Thank you so much.(HumanityCritic reaches over to embrace Ella) Take care.

Ella: May god bless you child

Me: Oh, this is so your grandkids can enjoy both their grandparents.(Humanitycritic hands John his ticket)

John: Thank you son!! This is going to be a great thanksgiving!!

As I walked back to my car I knew that the struggle continued and that we must all fight everyday for our rights. Is Bush still a idiot? Are Americans still stupid? You bet. But I drove home thinking three things. 1) That I will continue to fight the good fight, and hold this administration's feet to the fire as well as our "President" 2) I hope that the guys whose car I smashed didn't get my license plate number and 3) I would have to cut down on buying beer, porn, and hip hip being that I just gave away a $7000 dollar ticket.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

George W. Bush: America's Abusive Boyfriend

People would disagree with me, but I'm a firm believer that some things transcend opinion.Michael Jordan being one of the greatest basketball players ever is no longer opinion, it is fact. Rakim being on of the best lyricists to ever grab a mic is no longer opinion, it is a undeniable fact. George W. Bush being a miserable, incompetent president is also one of these facts that I find hard for anyone to refute.

The past four years, I have sat and increasingly lost respect for republicans that I know, desperately trying to defend this "President in clown shoes". Some of these people are intelligent and bright, so their defense of Bush is mind boggling. It reminds me of a friend that I had years ago named Kathy. Kathy had a abusive boyfriend, who always beat her ass. When I would try to get her to leave him she would always say, "When he hits me it just means that he loves me".Or she would say, "I know deep down he has a great heart". I would point out that if he truly loved her, he wouldn't send her out in public with black eyes..

Even though her boyfriend didn't have a job, never did anything for her, and beat her ass, she stayed with him anyway. There are several reasons why a woman would stay in a abusive relationship, even though I am not a expert on the subject I would guess a few factors would be. a) Low self-esteem b)History of abuse in her family c)Lack of love as a child d)Co Dependant personality, or a plethora of other issues. I am also under the impression that some people just like being abused, kind of a masochistic nature to them. This is where my comparison to George W. Bush comes in.

Our president has been a monumental failure on so many fronts. Whether it be environmental issues, the war, economy, jobs, you name it. It is frustrating finding so many people who support him, even though voting for Bush would be basically voting against their own self interests. If I ask someone why they are voting for Bush and they say, "He is making America safer, and he is the right man to fight terrorism", I point out that 9/11 happened on his watch and 15 of the 19 hijackers were from Saudi Arabia. I point out that even some of Bush's people(Richard Clarke) told Bush that Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11. I even echo what many experts say that the war in Iraq has energized terrorist groups, thus not making us safer.

With all the mounting evidence supporting my argument they say I'm wrong, with no legitimate retort, and say they will proudly vote for Bush. I can hear Kathy's voice in my head, "When he hits me it just means that he loves me". Sometimes people will tell me, "Bush is great for the military". I point out that not only has Bush cut veterans benefits, and closed many VA Hospitals, there are rumblings from Washington insiders about bringing back the draft. They usually utter some lie about Clinton being bad for the military, but never offer a legitimate argument. More of Kathy's words come to mind, "I know deep down he has a great heart". There are even people who say to me, "The economy is booming, and it's all because of Bush". I quickly point out that Bush turned a record surplus to a record deficit, record unemployment, and that he is the first president since Herbert Hoover to not of gained one net job. Again, there isn't a respectable answer and they maintain their blind love for Bush.

It is my feeling that history will shed the proper light on Bush, showing the individuals blinded by his "aww shucks" routine that he is the worst president in recent memory. If you watch the news they will always bring up the "likability factor", showing some poll where Americans would rather "have a beer" with George W. Bush than John Kerry. I don't know about you but I want a PRESIDENT not a fucking beer buddy. There are some professions where I want the person to be considerably smarter than I. If I'm having surgery I want the doctor to level with me, but talking to him I want to be assured that he has the knowledge to do the job. No joking, no "likability factor", save my damn life. The President of the United States is another profession where I want him/her to be a intellectual, and have the testicular fortitude to make tough decisions. The mere fact that when I hear Bush speak I can't stop thinking about Barney Phife from the 'The Andy Griffith Show". Johnny Depp got into a lot of trouble when he called Americans "dumb", but if we are going to vote for president based on "Who I want to have a beer with" then we are a nation full of blistering idiots.

Kathy ended up leaving her abusive boyfriend, after gathering up the courage to do so. As Americans, you can either follow her lead and get rid of that abusive relationship(Vote John Kerry Nov 2) or continue getting abused and making excuses for you abuser. The choice is definitely yours..

My State of the Union Address

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of the 105th Congress, distinguished guests, my fellow Americans:

For 215 years, it has been the president's duty to report to you on the state of the union. Because of terrorism and the high cost the American people have paid, these are bad times for America, which my presidency will change. I will make that change by making health care free for all Americans. I will make that change by rapidly lowering the unemployment throughout the United States. I, unlike my blatantly incompetent predecessor, will make America safer by joining with the international community so we can work together and not put the burden of fighting terrorism on one country.

I have to apologize to the American people, for the 4 years of having George "Forrest Gump" Bush as your Commander -in-thief. We will no longer be the laughing stock of the world, having such a blistering idiot as President.

This is a new day my fellow Americans, and with a new administration you also face a different direction from this Commander in chief. For one thing, Marijuana will be legalized in the United States. We all know that the only reason it has been illegal is because the Government can't get their "cut". No more! If you are a adult, and want to get "lifted", that is now a legal option to you. Also, from this moment forward, prostitution is now legal also. I mean, what right do I have in getting between one consenting adult with money, wanting to have sex with another consenting adult?? By all means, get your screw on!

The arts are very important to me and my incoming administration. Under George Bush, funding for arts programs were drastically cut, but that deplorable trends stops now. Not only will this administration increase funding for these programs, but will start a "Know your shit" program. The "know your shit" program is one that systematically teaches every child about the true origins of Hip Hop, and let kids know that artists such as Nelly and the Ying Yang Twins are whack as hell. My administration feels, when this program starts, if will lessen the role of bullshit Hip Hop on our radio stations and T.V programs.

As we speak, lawyers for my administration are going after Rush Limbaugh for illegally purchasing prescription drugs, and for being a total piece of shit over the last twenty years. When in prison, I will make sure he will be placed in a cell with a inmate named "Sweetness", who promises my staff that he will make Rush his "cell block bitch".

Lastly, my fellow Americans, I will launch a thorough investigation on the entire news channel. For years they have been distorting the truth, sometimes outright lying to the American people. Objective Americans want a unbiased news source, not a channel that only spews a right-wing point of view. Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Brit dare you pretend to be objective when it is obvious that you have been sucking from George bush's tit for the past 4 years? I will spend my entire time as president, bringing you lecherous son of a bitches down!!(huge applause)

Thank you America!! God Bless you all!!

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Adults say the Darndest Things!!

Hello America, I Welcome you to this weeks episode of "Adults say the Darndest Things"!! (Audience applause) Thank you.. On this show myself, the studio audience, and you at home get a kick out of how (Audience yells) "Adults say the Darndest things!!" We have three people backstage who I think that all of you will find hilarious. First we have Mary. Mary is a stay at home mom from Denver, Colorado. How are you doing today Mary?

Mary: I'm fine Humanity critic. Thanks for having me.

HumanityCritic: No problem. Tell America what statement you said that got you on this show.

Mary: OK. I said that I was voting for George W. Bush because he is a man of faith.

(audience roars with laughter)

Mary. What is so funny!!??

HC: Well Mary. By saying that you are making the idiotic assumption that Kerry is not a man of faith. Just because Bush constantly claims that he is religious doesn't make him religious. Hell, I can "claim" that I have wings but my ass won't be flying any time soon. I read somewhere that Bush doesn't go to church, what do you think about that??

Mary: I didn't know that.

HC: No shit.

Mary: You know, I didn't come on this show to get mistreated. Let me tell you..

HC: Yeah, Yeah.. Audience!

Audience: "Adults say the Darndest Things!!"

HC: Next we have Bob from Richmond, Virginia. Bob is a 3rd grade teacher. Bob, can you tell us what you said to get you on this show?

Bob: Sure. I said that I was voting for George W. Bush because he has made us safer.

(Audience chuckles)

Bob: What??

HC: It seems that the audience finds your claim to be pretty amusing. George W. Bush claims to be "tough on terror", but did you know that many of our ports are unguarded, mass amounts of cargo gets unchecked, many of our nuclear facilities are unguarded, and recently a independent group of 21 people in various states were able to get on airplanes carrying firearms?

Bob: OK. But what about Bush's "War on terror"?

HC: What about it? 15 of the 19 hijackers were Saudi's and we attack Iraq? The handling of the war just highlights Bush's incompetence. Plus, Osama bin Laden is still roaming free and that son of a bitch killed 3000 of our own. Shit, he has more tapes out than Ron Jeremy.

Bob: Whatever, I'm still voting for Bush

HC: By all means, don't let facts cloud your judgment. Audience!

Audience: "Adults say the darndest things"!!!

HC: Lastly we have Tyrone Wilson. Tyrone is a baptist minister from Columbia, South Carolina. Nice to meet you Sir.

Tyrone: Thanks for having me.

HC: Can you tell America what it was that YOU said to get you on this show?

Tyrone: I said that I was voting for Bush because he is against abortion.

HC: I was reading your file, and it says here that you oppose Bush on education, the economy, Iraq, his treatment of African American issues, affirmative action, his environmental policies, and the Patriot Act. You are voting for Bush only because his stance on abortion?

Tyrone: Don't take that tone with me young man! I have been spreading the good word for 50 years now, and any man that is for abortion does not get my vote.

HC. Sir, no disrespect, but you are a jackass. You are old enough to have seen people get lynched, sprayed with fire houses, not be allowed to go to school with white kids, the assassination of MLK, and racism in general throughout your life. Many republicans, I believe, probably wish went back to those deplorable times. John Kerry isn't "for" abortions, he is "for" a woman's right to choose. Would you like it if we went back to the times when people were having back-alley abortions?? Why are you so concerned about the vagina's of women you will never meet??

Tyrone: OK, that's it. I'm not taking this anymore, I'm leaving.(pulls of his microphone)

(Humanity Critic stops him from leaving)

HC: Sir, you do your community a disservice by voting for a man that doesn't have the best interests of African Americans. I understand that you are against abortion, but for that to be the only reason you are voting for Bush is pretty idiotic. People come to hear your sermons every Sunday, as you rant about "hard economic times" and "people not being able to find jobs". To the the people who are members of your church, people like me that respects the Clergy, and African Americans that find comfort in going to hear someone speak that will give them hope and inspiration..YOU BETRAY OUR TRUST!

(Audience applauds)

(Humanity Critic looks at the camera) Well Ladies and Gentlemen, we saw today that people do say the "Darndest things". Be sure that you are all informed so you don't embarrass the shit out of yourselves like Mary, Bob, and Tyrone did. Its been a great show, see ya next week.


Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Beck:"I'm a Loser Baby, so why don't you kill me"

The saga continues. The saga for a single "thirty-something" is difficult enough, but it gets even worse when my extremely bad judgment gets thrown into the mix. Picture this:

A couple of weeks ago a old friend and I went to a sushi bar to grab a bite to eat and have a few drinks. We started talking about everything from politics to the declining state of hip hop. As we were talking, I couldn't help but noticing a beautiful woman eavesdropping on our conversation. I looked over and said, "Hi", since I figured it was better than saying "What!!!"..She said, "I'm sorry, but I was listening to your conversation and I agree with everything that you said". I said, "Really? What in particular?". She gave a slight grin and said, "The part about Hip Hop. I miss the old days of Public Enemy, EPMD, and old school M.C Lyte". My eyes got extremely wide because I always said to myself that a woman who loves Public Enemy might own the keys to my heart. I said, "So, what's your name?". She looked in my eyes and said, "Journee, with two E's. I think my parents were black hippies". I said, "Cool. My name is Humanity Critic."(Of course I gave her my real name) I looked over to my friend and told him that if he left that I would pay his bill. Since he is a cheap bastard he nodded, gave me a pound, and promptly left. What a great friend.

Usually I would never diss a friend for a girl, but you have to understand what I was dealing with. She was about 5'6, had a wealth of knowledge about Hip Hop, dazzling smile, dreadlocks, legs like she was a world class sprinter, and cleavage that made looking into her eyes a great accomplishment. We continued to talk about our families, George W. Bush being the anti-Christ, dread lock stories, and our love for playstation.(This girl is a keeper) Then she asked me this question: "If I was to ask your ex girlfriends to describe you, what would they say." I said, without missing a beat, "They would say that I am a insensitive asshole, who happens to be a terrible lay." She laughed and said, "Boy you are crazy!!" I laughed too, but only because I was telling the
The sushi bar closed and we exchanged numbers. She said, "you call me first, you are the man!" I thought to myself, "And she's a wise ass!! Fuck the pre-nup!".

The next night my good friend Rob was having a bachelor party that he invited me to. I wasn't going to go since it was on a Thursday, but he is a good guy so I went anyway. It was a typical bachelor party: Naked Girls, liquor, beer, screaming guys, Naked Girls, and more Naked Girls. Even though I told myself that I wasn't going to drink that much, I got hammered. This is where my bad decision making comes in. Apparently, when I got home around 2:30 I "drunk called" Journee..I know, I know, what a mistake. I hardly remember doing it, but I do recall getting her voice mail and leaving her a drunken message. When I woke up and recalled what I did, I was extremely angry at myself. I don't recall what I said, and I was terrified that I had once again fucked up.. I waited until about 8 o'clock that night and called her..nothing. I called the next day..nothing. I waited a couple of days and called again..nothing..I felt that it was official, she isn't going to call because I made the idiotic mistake of drunk calling her. "What a asshole I am" I thought. It has been about two weeks from this debacle, and every day I have been cursing myself various time a day. Right when the agonizing, torment, and second guessing began to fade, she called!! Last night she called and said that she accidentally broke her cell phone and didn't have my number. She was cleaning out her car and found the original piece of paper that I wrote my number on.

Wow, and to think that I thought I had messed that one up. My "player card" has officially been revoked.

The StripClub Chronicles

When I was in college I used to go to strip clubs like it was going out of style. The amount of money I spent during any given week was astronomical. From sitting at a runway, or getting lap dances, it was one of my favorite places to be. I also knew all the dancers' names and their life stories. When I would walk in certain strip clubs, I felt like Norm from "Cheers". People would say, "Jaaaames" in unison. I felt special.

Fast forward 10 years, now as a 31 year old man I see my behavior back then as wasteful. Some of you might think that I see my past strip club obsession also as shameful, but unfortunately the "pervert" in me is so ingrained in my D.N.A that I don't see it that way. But I will concede that it was indeed a waste of time.

The other night I went to a strip club with my friend and it is amazing how I have changed. Don't get me wrong, my love for lips, hips, thighs, breasts(fake or real), and alcohol is still intact. It is just that my overall view of strip clubs has drastically changed. For one thing, I understand that the girls have to flirt with you to get your money, but come on. This one young lady said to me, "I haven't seen you here before. I would of remembered somebody as fine as you. I might end up giving you my number after work". Maybe this isn't the response that she wanted, but I replied," Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha. Right. You're cute but you're also full of shit. But thanks". She gave me a bewildered look and walked away.

About 10 minutes later I was at the bar getting a drink and a girl who dances sparked up a conversation. She said, without being asked, "I am only dancing to earn enough money for college. I thought to myself that it was possible, then I asked her "Have you tried applying for grants, or school loans? Was stripping you last choice?". In a angry tone she uttered "Are you trying to be funny motherfucker?? Fuck you!" Man, this isn't as fun as it used to be..

Later, as me and my friend play pool another dancer comes by. She has a plastic cup in her hand and says that she needed money for the jukebox. The first time I gave her 2 dollars. The second time I gave her 3 dollars. The third time I gave her 2 more dollars. Then I noticed that they weren't even using their jukebox and they had a D.J in the corner of the club. If she wanted to just get extra tips from the guys there then just say that. Why the deception? Maybe I am thinking too much, maybe the logic of a stripper isn't something that I should try to dissect. When she came around for the fourth time I said to her "I mean this in the best possible way.. Go away!!" She chuckled and went about her business.

Before I left I thought that I should at least sit at the runway and pay for a dance. I sat down, put some money down, and a young lady proceeded in shaking her newly purchased breasts in my face. As she shook what her mama gave her, I sat there thinking that this isn't nearly as exciting as it was when I was 20. Maybe it is because I am getting older, maybe its because I know that there isn't a chance in hell that I was taking any of those girls home, who knows? As I left, I thought to myself how glad I am that I have left my strip club days behind me. Not to mention all the money that I am saving, to buy hip hop and porn.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Live from the White House: Rap battle: Bush vs. Humanity Critic

Ted Koppel: Good evening America, we bring you the first White House rap battle. The Humanity Critic has been challenged by George W. Bush to a rap battle, because of the "critic's" public criticism of the president. This is shaping up to be a venomous confrontation, with both men having a strong distaste for each other. The two men are now stepping into the rap battle ring, they are shaking hands so were are going down to ring announcer Michael Buffer.

Michael Buffer: Ladies and Gentleman, coming to you from the White House lawn in beautiful Washington D.C. In the red corner we have Bush, he avoided Vietnam, falsely won a election, and lied about a war. GEORGE W. BUSH!!(applause) In the blue corner we have The Humanity critic..He hates the president, has dreadlocks, talks a lot of shit, loves hip hop, and is sexually frustrated..THE HUMANITY CRITIC!!!(applause) Men, LETS GET READY TO RUUUMBLLE!! Each man has a minute to state their case in rap form, Bush goes first and critic goes second. Good luck men. Kid Capri, drop that beat!!

(Instrumental of "Ice Ice Baby" begins to play)
Bush: Yo check it, check it!

Radio, T.V, and even the press
I'm George W. Bush, the president of the U.S
My opponent will try to paint me as a card carrying racist
He doesn't want to face us, he won't even replace us
Under my watch I've made America a safer place
Terrorist have no escape, stopping threats from state to state.
Under my watch the economy is booming
Protecting hard working Americans because terrorists are looming
"The Critic" will say that my treatment of blacks is "evil"
But let the truth be told, I love colored people
Don't even try to play me, with tactics that are shady
How could I be racist? I've kissed a Negro baby!
Saddam is in prison, and that is a fact
So naturally my next step was to attack Iraq
You send mixed messages saying the war is wrong
We have to "stay the course" and show the world we are strong.
The war is hard work, its really hard work
Did I ever mention, the war is hard work?
You made a grave mistake every trying to step to me
George W. Bush for the 2004 Presidency!!

Ted Koppel: George W. Bush fans go crazy! Rush Limbaugh is screaming, "You got in that ass George!!" Ann Coulter screams at The Critic, "You've been served Sucka!!" The klu klux breakdance squad is popping and locking to support Bush. Laura Bush and Dick Cheney are in the front row throwing up their "W's" to show support. The critic really has a lot of work to do. Critic, you're up..

(The instrumental of O.C's "Times Up" comes on)
Humanity Critic: Yo, yo..Here we go..

La-Di-Dai, the republican Party
You just cause trouble, harming everybody
You're, just a man that thinks he's right
I'm going to show America that your not wrapped too tight
Your not a racist? That's hard to believe
Since your the first pres in years to diss the NAACP
Number of more blacks in poverty: 700,000
Not to mention the figures on public housing, that's astounding.
Bob Jones University has a rule against interracial dating
And you gave a speech there, so obviously you don't care.
Let me pull back the curtain, for those who are uncertain
Your White House is so Corrupt. One word, Halliburton.
More than a thousand lives lost based on your lies about the war.
I've heard it all before, your nothing but a corporate whore.
Even members of your staff said you lied about Iraq
That's a absolute fact, no wonder the world doesn't have our back
Record unemployment, more troop deployment
While you give a tax cut to the rich, for their enjoyment
The U.S is safer? You can kiss my black ass!
The President of the United States: A incompetent Jack-ass!
The economy is Booming? You are so full of shit
You turned a record surplus into a record breaking deficit
You cut 33 billion from 'No child left behind'
Your supporters are blind, and I question if they have a mind.
Some blacks still support you, but I ain't hearing it
I've learned long ago that you can't save the ignorant.
You avoided Vietnam, like your vice president did
I guess you are a strong leader, as long as you send other peoples kids
Bush keeps America scared, with all the hype and the drama
I've got a question for your bitch-ass: Where the fuck is Osama!

Ted Koppel: The Humanity Critic has thrown the mic down, with his arms in the air screaming "What!! What!!" Bill Clinton screams, "You handed Bush his ass Humanity Critic!!" Ted Kennedy raises his glass full of rum and says, "This is to you kid". John Kerry gives "The Critic" a pound and says, "That was dope! Can I be your hype man?" Humanity Critic has done it, he has beat Bush in the first White House battle! Wait a minute, is George W. Bush sobbing?? Oh, what a bitch! This concludes our broadcast tonight..

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Can we get rid of ex-girlfriends already?

As a 16 year vet of the relationship game there are some things that have continued to annoy me since I was fifteen years old. That, not surprisingly, is the infamous "ex girlfriend".Looking back I feel that I have been rather gracious and considerate to my ex girlfriends, trying to avoid being nasty, taking the high road. But there are some unavoidable situations that one may face when dealing with an ex. Here are a few.

1)Familiar faces in public places - After a breakup, I always tend to run into a ex at a club or some social event. These encounters are always rather awkward, with both parties doing a lot of "frontin'", both trying to look like the breakup hasn't phased them in the least. The night always ends with each of us finding someone of the opposite sex to talk to, to make the other jealous. Yes, I'm 31 and I'm admitting that I can be childish.

2)Reach out and touch someone- Anyone who has had a ex in their lifetime can relate to the "feeler" call. A "feeler" is when a ex calls you to see how you are doing, but in all actuality it is to see if you have a new girlfriend. These calls are pretty obvious and undoubtedly pathetic. There are two responses, but it all depends on how you feel about that ex. If you despise the ground that they walk on, you can go on and on about your new girlfriend and leave it at that. But, if you still have feelings and think that you have a chance to get back together, say that you are single and haven't been looking.

3) I've got something to tell you: It seems that whenever a ex gets a new boyfriend, she always ends up calling me and telling me about it. Funny thing is, so far I haven't given a shit, and we are talking about 15 years now. I don't have clairvoyant abilities or anything, but it is a safe bet that I will never give a shit. But, because you want to look like it doesn't phase you, you tell her "that's great, I hope that you both are very happy". But you really want to say, "Who cares?? Why are you calling me with this crap?"

4)Booty call(not that monstrosity of a movie): This is always a bad idea, trust me. Sexual encounters between ex lovers just leads to unresolved issues and confusion. The conversations range from "why did we break up" and "I love when yhou wear that thong." Just a bad idea. But I must admit, it feels pretty good while you're doing it..

5) Get a better deal: This is going to sound petty, but here goes. If you are a ex-girlfriend of mine and you broke up with me, at least get with somebody better than me. You would never catch me trading in a Honda Accord just to get a Satrurn. That's stupid. I once had a girl break up with me to date a guy who was basically a bum. I didn't know how to take that. Should I be happy that she couldn't find anyone as good as me? Or should I take it as her saying, "I'd rather date a guy that is damn near homeless than be with you."

6)Spin Cycle: If you and you ex had a lot of the same friends, or ran in the same circles, you have to go into "Spin mode"."Spin Mode" is the explaining that you have to do to all the people who have been told that you're "a bastard" by your ex girlfriend. This one time, I had to clarify myself to like 20 people. I felt like I was running for president.

7)Family Feud: Nothing I hate worse than phony people. The mother of a girlfriend that I had hated the ground that I walked on. I didn't give her a reason to hate me, and she would do her best to hide it, but it was obvious. After me and her daughter broke up I saw her in a grocery store. She acted like I was her long lost son, giving me hugs and whatnot. I looked at her like she had just spit in my food, she then got the picture.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

10 Simple Rules for dating this 31 year old blogger

Dating can be a tricky and Frustrating ordeal. Dealing with Lies, deception, and personality conflicts can be a huge mountain that even the most eager dating participant won't want to deal with. My dating history, looking back, has been chaotic. Half of the time it has been their fault, half of the time it has been entirely my fault. It doesn't help that I, the man writing this today, can indeed be a complete asshole. I just turned 31 and I realized that there are just some things that I won't deal with. Here is a list of some traits that I wish my future wife has.

1. Have a working foundation is pop Culture(I am a big movie fan and a lover of all types of Music. Nothing is more irritating than hearing someone say, "I don't watch T.V". or "I don't watch movies" WHAT!! Exit Stage left)

2. Realize that silence is a good thing.(The is nothing worse than dating someone that blabs constanly. I love communication and it is important in a relationship. But we all know people who feel that they have to say something if too much time passes in silence. Don't take this the wrong way, but shut the fuck up!)

3. Don't let your friends run your life..(I was once in a relationship where the woman said, "But my friends think you're cheating on me". Huh? F*ck your triffling friends. Those "hating harlots" haven't had a man since the invention of the Hula-hoop, they aren't exactly credible in the "advice depatment". Listen, I respect my friends' advice, but if one of my felon friends tries to lecture me on the rising crime rate I will lose focus like George Bush in a spelling Bee..)

4. Must love Real Hip Hop(This is very important. Now, I would prefer a woman that didn't like Hip Hop at all as opposed to one that like utter bullshit. If a woman likes Nelly, the Ying Yang Twins, Lil John, or anything like that, it is a definite deal breaker. Some of you may say that is harsh. But I look at it as crime prevention because too much time listening to bad hip hop might make a brother violent.)

5. Don't be stingy with the "Nappy Dugout"(This looks bad, I know. Sex should never be expected. But after a considerable amount of time, when the trust is there and all the monogomy issues are established, lets hump like rabbits, shall we?

6. Understand that your male friends will not be trusted until further notice(Some would consider this a immature act of jealousy, but I think it works on all levels. I have female friends, who are ACTUALLY my friends, but platonic relationships between a man and a women are RARE. So if the woman I am dating has a friend, I won't be an ass to him, but I will hardly extend the proverbial olive branch either. This keeps him on his toes and makes him second guess his motives if they are indeed suspect"

7. PLEASE DON'T BE A RELIGIOUS FANATIC(I believe in god, and I even pray, but dating someone that is a religious nutbag is kind of scary. I once date a girl that hated when I cursed, spent a ungodly amount of time at chuch during the week, preached to me constantly, and outlined the reasons why i would spent a eternity in Hell. Not my idea of fun.)

8.Have a working knowledge about Current events and politics(You don't have to work for CNN or anything, just be able to carry on a 12th grade level conversation about politics and Current events. I once dated a girl who didn't know who the Vice President was. Whoah..)

9. Actually BE SINGLE when we start Dating.(Nothing is worse than dating someone and they say, "I broke up with my ex-boyfriend but he still thinks we are still an item, and occasionally I see him drive by my house". What??!! Listen, the last thing I want to get involved in is a heartbroken ex-boyfriend, who probably camps out in your bushes wearing a Ninja outfit..

10. When Dining Out, Don't be rude to the Wait Staff!(This is more of a pet peeve than anything. BUT, nothing is more irritating than a person that is rude to the waitress/waiter. I remember one time I was out on a date, and the person I was with gave the waitress major attitude and treated the young lady like she was inferior. It was so bad I had to find that young lady, slip her a 20, and told her that I ordered the steak and make she she didn't spit in that one..)