Hello America, I Welcome you to this weeks episode of "Adults say the Darndest Things"!! (Audience applause) Thank you.. On this show myself, the studio audience, and you at home get a kick out of how (Audience yells) "Adults say the Darndest things!!" We have three people backstage who I think that all of you will find hilarious. First we have Mary. Mary is a stay at home mom from Denver, Colorado. How are you doing today Mary?
Mary: I'm fine Humanity critic. Thanks for having me.
HumanityCritic: No problem. Tell America what statement you said that got you on this show.
Mary: OK. I said that I was voting for George W. Bush because he is a man of faith.
(audience roars with laughter)
Mary. What is so funny!!??
HC: Well Mary. By saying that you are making the idiotic assumption that Kerry is not a man of faith. Just because Bush constantly claims that he is religious doesn't make him religious. Hell, I can "claim" that I have wings but my ass won't be flying any time soon. I read somewhere that Bush doesn't go to church, what do you think about that??
Mary: I didn't know that.
HC: No shit.
Mary: You know, I didn't come on this show to get mistreated. Let me tell you..
HC: Yeah, Yeah.. Audience!
Audience: "Adults say the Darndest Things!!"
HC: Next we have Bob from Richmond, Virginia. Bob is a 3rd grade teacher. Bob, can you tell us what you said to get you on this show?
Bob: Sure. I said that I was voting for George W. Bush because he has made us safer.
HC: It seems that the audience finds your claim to be pretty amusing. George W. Bush claims to be "tough on terror", but did you know that many of our ports are unguarded, mass amounts of cargo gets unchecked, many of our nuclear facilities are unguarded, and recently a independent group of 21 people in various states were able to get on airplanes carrying firearms?
Bob: OK. But what about Bush's "War on terror"?
HC: What about it? 15 of the 19 hijackers were Saudi's and we attack Iraq? The handling of the war just highlights Bush's incompetence. Plus, Osama bin Laden is still roaming free and that son of a bitch killed 3000 of our own. Shit, he has more tapes out than Ron Jeremy.
Bob: Whatever, I'm still voting for Bush
HC: By all means, don't let facts cloud your judgment. Audience!
Audience: "Adults say the darndest things"!!!
HC: Lastly we have Tyrone Wilson. Tyrone is a baptist minister from Columbia, South Carolina. Nice to meet you Sir.
Tyrone: Thanks for having me.
HC: Can you tell America what it was that YOU said to get you on this show?
Tyrone: I said that I was voting for Bush because he is against abortion.
HC: I was reading your file, and it says here that you oppose Bush on education, the economy, Iraq, his treatment of African American issues, affirmative action, his environmental policies, and the Patriot Act. You are voting for Bush only because his stance on abortion?
Tyrone: Don't take that tone with me young man! I have been spreading the good word for 50 years now, and any man that is for abortion does not get my vote.
HC. Sir, no disrespect, but you are a jackass. You are old enough to have seen people get lynched, sprayed with fire houses, not be allowed to go to school with white kids, the assassination of MLK, and racism in general throughout your life. Many republicans, I believe, probably wish went back to those deplorable times. John Kerry isn't "for" abortions, he is "for" a woman's right to choose. Would you like it if we went back to the times when people were having back-alley abortions?? Why are you so concerned about the vagina's of women you will never meet??
Tyrone: OK, that's it. I'm not taking this anymore, I'm leaving.(pulls of his microphone)
(Humanity Critic stops him from leaving)
HC: Sir, you do your community a disservice by voting for a man that doesn't have the best interests of African Americans. I understand that you are against abortion, but for that to be the only reason you are voting for Bush is pretty idiotic. People come to hear your sermons every Sunday, as you rant about "hard economic times" and "people not being able to find jobs". To the the people who are members of your church, people like me that respects the Clergy, and African Americans that find comfort in going to hear someone speak that will give them hope and inspiration..YOU BETRAY OUR TRUST!
(Humanity Critic looks at the camera) Well Ladies and Gentlemen, we saw today that people do say the "Darndest things". Be sure that you are all informed so you don't embarrass the shit out of yourselves like Mary, Bob, and Tyrone did. Its been a great show, see ya next week.