Saturday, October 23, 2004

George W. Bush: America's Abusive Boyfriend

People would disagree with me, but I'm a firm believer that some things transcend opinion.Michael Jordan being one of the greatest basketball players ever is no longer opinion, it is fact. Rakim being on of the best lyricists to ever grab a mic is no longer opinion, it is a undeniable fact. George W. Bush being a miserable, incompetent president is also one of these facts that I find hard for anyone to refute.

The past four years, I have sat and increasingly lost respect for republicans that I know, desperately trying to defend this "President in clown shoes". Some of these people are intelligent and bright, so their defense of Bush is mind boggling. It reminds me of a friend that I had years ago named Kathy. Kathy had a abusive boyfriend, who always beat her ass. When I would try to get her to leave him she would always say, "When he hits me it just means that he loves me".Or she would say, "I know deep down he has a great heart". I would point out that if he truly loved her, he wouldn't send her out in public with black eyes..

Even though her boyfriend didn't have a job, never did anything for her, and beat her ass, she stayed with him anyway. There are several reasons why a woman would stay in a abusive relationship, even though I am not a expert on the subject I would guess a few factors would be. a) Low self-esteem b)History of abuse in her family c)Lack of love as a child d)Co Dependant personality, or a plethora of other issues. I am also under the impression that some people just like being abused, kind of a masochistic nature to them. This is where my comparison to George W. Bush comes in.

Our president has been a monumental failure on so many fronts. Whether it be environmental issues, the war, economy, jobs, you name it. It is frustrating finding so many people who support him, even though voting for Bush would be basically voting against their own self interests. If I ask someone why they are voting for Bush and they say, "He is making America safer, and he is the right man to fight terrorism", I point out that 9/11 happened on his watch and 15 of the 19 hijackers were from Saudi Arabia. I point out that even some of Bush's people(Richard Clarke) told Bush that Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11. I even echo what many experts say that the war in Iraq has energized terrorist groups, thus not making us safer.

With all the mounting evidence supporting my argument they say I'm wrong, with no legitimate retort, and say they will proudly vote for Bush. I can hear Kathy's voice in my head, "When he hits me it just means that he loves me". Sometimes people will tell me, "Bush is great for the military". I point out that not only has Bush cut veterans benefits, and closed many VA Hospitals, there are rumblings from Washington insiders about bringing back the draft. They usually utter some lie about Clinton being bad for the military, but never offer a legitimate argument. More of Kathy's words come to mind, "I know deep down he has a great heart". There are even people who say to me, "The economy is booming, and it's all because of Bush". I quickly point out that Bush turned a record surplus to a record deficit, record unemployment, and that he is the first president since Herbert Hoover to not of gained one net job. Again, there isn't a respectable answer and they maintain their blind love for Bush.

It is my feeling that history will shed the proper light on Bush, showing the individuals blinded by his "aww shucks" routine that he is the worst president in recent memory. If you watch the news they will always bring up the "likability factor", showing some poll where Americans would rather "have a beer" with George W. Bush than John Kerry. I don't know about you but I want a PRESIDENT not a fucking beer buddy. There are some professions where I want the person to be considerably smarter than I. If I'm having surgery I want the doctor to level with me, but talking to him I want to be assured that he has the knowledge to do the job. No joking, no "likability factor", save my damn life. The President of the United States is another profession where I want him/her to be a intellectual, and have the testicular fortitude to make tough decisions. The mere fact that when I hear Bush speak I can't stop thinking about Barney Phife from the 'The Andy Griffith Show". Johnny Depp got into a lot of trouble when he called Americans "dumb", but if we are going to vote for president based on "Who I want to have a beer with" then we are a nation full of blistering idiots.

Kathy ended up leaving her abusive boyfriend, after gathering up the courage to do so. As Americans, you can either follow her lead and get rid of that abusive relationship(Vote John Kerry Nov 2) or continue getting abused and making excuses for you abuser. The choice is definitely yours..

My State of the Union Address

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of the 105th Congress, distinguished guests, my fellow Americans:

For 215 years, it has been the president's duty to report to you on the state of the union. Because of terrorism and the high cost the American people have paid, these are bad times for America, which my presidency will change. I will make that change by making health care free for all Americans. I will make that change by rapidly lowering the unemployment throughout the United States. I, unlike my blatantly incompetent predecessor, will make America safer by joining with the international community so we can work together and not put the burden of fighting terrorism on one country.

I have to apologize to the American people, for the 4 years of having George "Forrest Gump" Bush as your Commander -in-thief. We will no longer be the laughing stock of the world, having such a blistering idiot as President.

This is a new day my fellow Americans, and with a new administration you also face a different direction from this Commander in chief. For one thing, Marijuana will be legalized in the United States. We all know that the only reason it has been illegal is because the Government can't get their "cut". No more! If you are a adult, and want to get "lifted", that is now a legal option to you. Also, from this moment forward, prostitution is now legal also. I mean, what right do I have in getting between one consenting adult with money, wanting to have sex with another consenting adult?? By all means, get your screw on!

The arts are very important to me and my incoming administration. Under George Bush, funding for arts programs were drastically cut, but that deplorable trends stops now. Not only will this administration increase funding for these programs, but will start a "Know your shit" program. The "know your shit" program is one that systematically teaches every child about the true origins of Hip Hop, and let kids know that artists such as Nelly and the Ying Yang Twins are whack as hell. My administration feels, when this program starts, if will lessen the role of bullshit Hip Hop on our radio stations and T.V programs.

As we speak, lawyers for my administration are going after Rush Limbaugh for illegally purchasing prescription drugs, and for being a total piece of shit over the last twenty years. When in prison, I will make sure he will be placed in a cell with a inmate named "Sweetness", who promises my staff that he will make Rush his "cell block bitch".

Lastly, my fellow Americans, I will launch a thorough investigation on the entire news channel. For years they have been distorting the truth, sometimes outright lying to the American people. Objective Americans want a unbiased news source, not a channel that only spews a right-wing point of view. Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Brit dare you pretend to be objective when it is obvious that you have been sucking from George bush's tit for the past 4 years? I will spend my entire time as president, bringing you lecherous son of a bitches down!!(huge applause)

Thank you America!! God Bless you all!!

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Adults say the Darndest Things!!

Hello America, I Welcome you to this weeks episode of "Adults say the Darndest Things"!! (Audience applause) Thank you.. On this show myself, the studio audience, and you at home get a kick out of how (Audience yells) "Adults say the Darndest things!!" We have three people backstage who I think that all of you will find hilarious. First we have Mary. Mary is a stay at home mom from Denver, Colorado. How are you doing today Mary?

Mary: I'm fine Humanity critic. Thanks for having me.

HumanityCritic: No problem. Tell America what statement you said that got you on this show.

Mary: OK. I said that I was voting for George W. Bush because he is a man of faith.

(audience roars with laughter)

Mary. What is so funny!!??

HC: Well Mary. By saying that you are making the idiotic assumption that Kerry is not a man of faith. Just because Bush constantly claims that he is religious doesn't make him religious. Hell, I can "claim" that I have wings but my ass won't be flying any time soon. I read somewhere that Bush doesn't go to church, what do you think about that??

Mary: I didn't know that.

HC: No shit.

Mary: You know, I didn't come on this show to get mistreated. Let me tell you..

HC: Yeah, Yeah.. Audience!

Audience: "Adults say the Darndest Things!!"

HC: Next we have Bob from Richmond, Virginia. Bob is a 3rd grade teacher. Bob, can you tell us what you said to get you on this show?

Bob: Sure. I said that I was voting for George W. Bush because he has made us safer.

(Audience chuckles)

Bob: What??

HC: It seems that the audience finds your claim to be pretty amusing. George W. Bush claims to be "tough on terror", but did you know that many of our ports are unguarded, mass amounts of cargo gets unchecked, many of our nuclear facilities are unguarded, and recently a independent group of 21 people in various states were able to get on airplanes carrying firearms?

Bob: OK. But what about Bush's "War on terror"?

HC: What about it? 15 of the 19 hijackers were Saudi's and we attack Iraq? The handling of the war just highlights Bush's incompetence. Plus, Osama bin Laden is still roaming free and that son of a bitch killed 3000 of our own. Shit, he has more tapes out than Ron Jeremy.

Bob: Whatever, I'm still voting for Bush

HC: By all means, don't let facts cloud your judgment. Audience!

Audience: "Adults say the darndest things"!!!

HC: Lastly we have Tyrone Wilson. Tyrone is a baptist minister from Columbia, South Carolina. Nice to meet you Sir.

Tyrone: Thanks for having me.

HC: Can you tell America what it was that YOU said to get you on this show?

Tyrone: I said that I was voting for Bush because he is against abortion.

HC: I was reading your file, and it says here that you oppose Bush on education, the economy, Iraq, his treatment of African American issues, affirmative action, his environmental policies, and the Patriot Act. You are voting for Bush only because his stance on abortion?

Tyrone: Don't take that tone with me young man! I have been spreading the good word for 50 years now, and any man that is for abortion does not get my vote.

HC. Sir, no disrespect, but you are a jackass. You are old enough to have seen people get lynched, sprayed with fire houses, not be allowed to go to school with white kids, the assassination of MLK, and racism in general throughout your life. Many republicans, I believe, probably wish went back to those deplorable times. John Kerry isn't "for" abortions, he is "for" a woman's right to choose. Would you like it if we went back to the times when people were having back-alley abortions?? Why are you so concerned about the vagina's of women you will never meet??

Tyrone: OK, that's it. I'm not taking this anymore, I'm leaving.(pulls of his microphone)

(Humanity Critic stops him from leaving)

HC: Sir, you do your community a disservice by voting for a man that doesn't have the best interests of African Americans. I understand that you are against abortion, but for that to be the only reason you are voting for Bush is pretty idiotic. People come to hear your sermons every Sunday, as you rant about "hard economic times" and "people not being able to find jobs". To the the people who are members of your church, people like me that respects the Clergy, and African Americans that find comfort in going to hear someone speak that will give them hope and inspiration..YOU BETRAY OUR TRUST!

(Audience applauds)

(Humanity Critic looks at the camera) Well Ladies and Gentlemen, we saw today that people do say the "Darndest things". Be sure that you are all informed so you don't embarrass the shit out of yourselves like Mary, Bob, and Tyrone did. Its been a great show, see ya next week.


Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Beck:"I'm a Loser Baby, so why don't you kill me"

The saga continues. The saga for a single "thirty-something" is difficult enough, but it gets even worse when my extremely bad judgment gets thrown into the mix. Picture this:

A couple of weeks ago a old friend and I went to a sushi bar to grab a bite to eat and have a few drinks. We started talking about everything from politics to the declining state of hip hop. As we were talking, I couldn't help but noticing a beautiful woman eavesdropping on our conversation. I looked over and said, "Hi", since I figured it was better than saying "What!!!"..She said, "I'm sorry, but I was listening to your conversation and I agree with everything that you said". I said, "Really? What in particular?". She gave a slight grin and said, "The part about Hip Hop. I miss the old days of Public Enemy, EPMD, and old school M.C Lyte". My eyes got extremely wide because I always said to myself that a woman who loves Public Enemy might own the keys to my heart. I said, "So, what's your name?". She looked in my eyes and said, "Journee, with two E's. I think my parents were black hippies". I said, "Cool. My name is Humanity Critic."(Of course I gave her my real name) I looked over to my friend and told him that if he left that I would pay his bill. Since he is a cheap bastard he nodded, gave me a pound, and promptly left. What a great friend.

Usually I would never diss a friend for a girl, but you have to understand what I was dealing with. She was about 5'6, had a wealth of knowledge about Hip Hop, dazzling smile, dreadlocks, legs like she was a world class sprinter, and cleavage that made looking into her eyes a great accomplishment. We continued to talk about our families, George W. Bush being the anti-Christ, dread lock stories, and our love for playstation.(This girl is a keeper) Then she asked me this question: "If I was to ask your ex girlfriends to describe you, what would they say." I said, without missing a beat, "They would say that I am a insensitive asshole, who happens to be a terrible lay." She laughed and said, "Boy you are crazy!!" I laughed too, but only because I was telling the
The sushi bar closed and we exchanged numbers. She said, "you call me first, you are the man!" I thought to myself, "And she's a wise ass!! Fuck the pre-nup!".

The next night my good friend Rob was having a bachelor party that he invited me to. I wasn't going to go since it was on a Thursday, but he is a good guy so I went anyway. It was a typical bachelor party: Naked Girls, liquor, beer, screaming guys, Naked Girls, and more Naked Girls. Even though I told myself that I wasn't going to drink that much, I got hammered. This is where my bad decision making comes in. Apparently, when I got home around 2:30 I "drunk called" Journee..I know, I know, what a mistake. I hardly remember doing it, but I do recall getting her voice mail and leaving her a drunken message. When I woke up and recalled what I did, I was extremely angry at myself. I don't recall what I said, and I was terrified that I had once again fucked up.. I waited until about 8 o'clock that night and called her..nothing. I called the next day..nothing. I waited a couple of days and called again..nothing..I felt that it was official, she isn't going to call because I made the idiotic mistake of drunk calling her. "What a asshole I am" I thought. It has been about two weeks from this debacle, and every day I have been cursing myself various time a day. Right when the agonizing, torment, and second guessing began to fade, she called!! Last night she called and said that she accidentally broke her cell phone and didn't have my number. She was cleaning out her car and found the original piece of paper that I wrote my number on.

Wow, and to think that I thought I had messed that one up. My "player card" has officially been revoked.

The StripClub Chronicles

When I was in college I used to go to strip clubs like it was going out of style. The amount of money I spent during any given week was astronomical. From sitting at a runway, or getting lap dances, it was one of my favorite places to be. I also knew all the dancers' names and their life stories. When I would walk in certain strip clubs, I felt like Norm from "Cheers". People would say, "Jaaaames" in unison. I felt special.

Fast forward 10 years, now as a 31 year old man I see my behavior back then as wasteful. Some of you might think that I see my past strip club obsession also as shameful, but unfortunately the "pervert" in me is so ingrained in my D.N.A that I don't see it that way. But I will concede that it was indeed a waste of time.

The other night I went to a strip club with my friend and it is amazing how I have changed. Don't get me wrong, my love for lips, hips, thighs, breasts(fake or real), and alcohol is still intact. It is just that my overall view of strip clubs has drastically changed. For one thing, I understand that the girls have to flirt with you to get your money, but come on. This one young lady said to me, "I haven't seen you here before. I would of remembered somebody as fine as you. I might end up giving you my number after work". Maybe this isn't the response that she wanted, but I replied," Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha. Right. You're cute but you're also full of shit. But thanks". She gave me a bewildered look and walked away.

About 10 minutes later I was at the bar getting a drink and a girl who dances sparked up a conversation. She said, without being asked, "I am only dancing to earn enough money for college. I thought to myself that it was possible, then I asked her "Have you tried applying for grants, or school loans? Was stripping you last choice?". In a angry tone she uttered "Are you trying to be funny motherfucker?? Fuck you!" Man, this isn't as fun as it used to be..

Later, as me and my friend play pool another dancer comes by. She has a plastic cup in her hand and says that she needed money for the jukebox. The first time I gave her 2 dollars. The second time I gave her 3 dollars. The third time I gave her 2 more dollars. Then I noticed that they weren't even using their jukebox and they had a D.J in the corner of the club. If she wanted to just get extra tips from the guys there then just say that. Why the deception? Maybe I am thinking too much, maybe the logic of a stripper isn't something that I should try to dissect. When she came around for the fourth time I said to her "I mean this in the best possible way.. Go away!!" She chuckled and went about her business.

Before I left I thought that I should at least sit at the runway and pay for a dance. I sat down, put some money down, and a young lady proceeded in shaking her newly purchased breasts in my face. As she shook what her mama gave her, I sat there thinking that this isn't nearly as exciting as it was when I was 20. Maybe it is because I am getting older, maybe its because I know that there isn't a chance in hell that I was taking any of those girls home, who knows? As I left, I thought to myself how glad I am that I have left my strip club days behind me. Not to mention all the money that I am saving, to buy hip hop and porn.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Live from the White House: Rap battle: Bush vs. Humanity Critic

Ted Koppel: Good evening America, we bring you the first White House rap battle. The Humanity Critic has been challenged by George W. Bush to a rap battle, because of the "critic's" public criticism of the president. This is shaping up to be a venomous confrontation, with both men having a strong distaste for each other. The two men are now stepping into the rap battle ring, they are shaking hands so were are going down to ring announcer Michael Buffer.

Michael Buffer: Ladies and Gentleman, coming to you from the White House lawn in beautiful Washington D.C. In the red corner we have Bush, he avoided Vietnam, falsely won a election, and lied about a war. GEORGE W. BUSH!!(applause) In the blue corner we have The Humanity critic..He hates the president, has dreadlocks, talks a lot of shit, loves hip hop, and is sexually frustrated..THE HUMANITY CRITIC!!!(applause) Men, LETS GET READY TO RUUUMBLLE!! Each man has a minute to state their case in rap form, Bush goes first and critic goes second. Good luck men. Kid Capri, drop that beat!!

(Instrumental of "Ice Ice Baby" begins to play)
Bush: Yo check it, check it!

Radio, T.V, and even the press
I'm George W. Bush, the president of the U.S
My opponent will try to paint me as a card carrying racist
He doesn't want to face us, he won't even replace us
Under my watch I've made America a safer place
Terrorist have no escape, stopping threats from state to state.
Under my watch the economy is booming
Protecting hard working Americans because terrorists are looming
"The Critic" will say that my treatment of blacks is "evil"
But let the truth be told, I love colored people
Don't even try to play me, with tactics that are shady
How could I be racist? I've kissed a Negro baby!
Saddam is in prison, and that is a fact
So naturally my next step was to attack Iraq
You send mixed messages saying the war is wrong
We have to "stay the course" and show the world we are strong.
The war is hard work, its really hard work
Did I ever mention, the war is hard work?
You made a grave mistake every trying to step to me
George W. Bush for the 2004 Presidency!!

Ted Koppel: George W. Bush fans go crazy! Rush Limbaugh is screaming, "You got in that ass George!!" Ann Coulter screams at The Critic, "You've been served Sucka!!" The klu klux breakdance squad is popping and locking to support Bush. Laura Bush and Dick Cheney are in the front row throwing up their "W's" to show support. The critic really has a lot of work to do. Critic, you're up..

(The instrumental of O.C's "Times Up" comes on)
Humanity Critic: Yo, yo..Here we go..

La-Di-Dai, the republican Party
You just cause trouble, harming everybody
You're, just a man that thinks he's right
I'm going to show America that your not wrapped too tight
Your not a racist? That's hard to believe
Since your the first pres in years to diss the NAACP
Number of more blacks in poverty: 700,000
Not to mention the figures on public housing, that's astounding.
Bob Jones University has a rule against interracial dating
And you gave a speech there, so obviously you don't care.
Let me pull back the curtain, for those who are uncertain
Your White House is so Corrupt. One word, Halliburton.
More than a thousand lives lost based on your lies about the war.
I've heard it all before, your nothing but a corporate whore.
Even members of your staff said you lied about Iraq
That's a absolute fact, no wonder the world doesn't have our back
Record unemployment, more troop deployment
While you give a tax cut to the rich, for their enjoyment
The U.S is safer? You can kiss my black ass!
The President of the United States: A incompetent Jack-ass!
The economy is Booming? You are so full of shit
You turned a record surplus into a record breaking deficit
You cut 33 billion from 'No child left behind'
Your supporters are blind, and I question if they have a mind.
Some blacks still support you, but I ain't hearing it
I've learned long ago that you can't save the ignorant.
You avoided Vietnam, like your vice president did
I guess you are a strong leader, as long as you send other peoples kids
Bush keeps America scared, with all the hype and the drama
I've got a question for your bitch-ass: Where the fuck is Osama!

Ted Koppel: The Humanity Critic has thrown the mic down, with his arms in the air screaming "What!! What!!" Bill Clinton screams, "You handed Bush his ass Humanity Critic!!" Ted Kennedy raises his glass full of rum and says, "This is to you kid". John Kerry gives "The Critic" a pound and says, "That was dope! Can I be your hype man?" Humanity Critic has done it, he has beat Bush in the first White House battle! Wait a minute, is George W. Bush sobbing?? Oh, what a bitch! This concludes our broadcast tonight..