Wednesday, December 31, 2008

4 Days/4 people I've assaulted in Barack Obama's name - #2

Not for nothing, but I'd bet you dollar to donuts that if some mysterious, black suited stranger happened to emerge out of thin air to show my 17 year old self a video montage of what I'd be doing circa 2009 - I'd probably break down right then and there, rendering myself utterly inconsolable in my cross-colors attire. I mean, I always figured that I'd have a considerably different life by now - 3.5 kids, having some job I loathed that required me to carry a briefcase, stolen moments with my wife where the both of us play 80's era Hip Hop and reminisce while the kids are fast asleep on some new millennium "Cosby Show" shit. Alphabetizing my extensive pornography collection, penetrating women that I hardly know in the backseat of my muscle car while wearing three condoms, beating assassination fantasy enthusiasts senseless thus resulting in me being barred from the 3rd watering hole in four months - these aren't exactly the type of things that I thought I'd be putting on my resume at the advanced age of 35. Anyway, speaking of inbred bastards who happened to be on the business end of a beating for wishing the President-Elect harm - I thought I'd begin to wrap up my blog series "4/Days/4 People I've assaulted in Barack Obamaan>'s Name".(Here are the first two installments) Granted, I'm cheating since this happened post-election - but fuck it. Again, hattip to Lee Stranahan.

Dispatched Asshole #2:Don't get it twisted, I don't have it in for all republicans. Even though I live amongst a rogues gallery of social knuckle-draggers and a stones through away from Pat Robertson's residence, I've engaged in enough debates with republicans to know that a respectful disagreement on public policy is indeed possible. I was certain that the young man who I assaulted with reckless abandon the other night belonged to said group, based on the reasonable conversations that we've historically had about politics. He voted for Bush twice, was a John McCain supporter who seemed to have more of a crush on Sarah Palin than an actual belief that she could govern responsibly - but there was never any Pat Buchanan in his rhetoric, and he didn't seem to subscribe to the Karl Rove school of politics. He seemed like a pretty decent guy, that was until Barack Obama was actually elected president that is.

Actually I hadn't seen him since one of the last debates, so when he walked into one of the only bars in the area that I wasn't banned from I just knew that we would wax poetic about the presidential road bumps that Barack Obama would face in a rather peaceful, bi-partisan fashion. Instead, I got a bunch of "I have a feeling he'll get assassinated in his first term" rhetoric - so, since I know many well intentioned people who love Obama that share that same sort of fatalism, I took it as such. So I proceeded to tell him what I've told many civil rights era black folks concerned with Obama's safety over the last year, that the security around him is tighter than nun vagina - and that secret service precautions that I've read about have put a naturally paranoid soul like me at ease. That's when he got strange, uttering something like "..but if a person is crazy enough and doesn't care about dying, they can certainly get to him!" I was calmly persistent, but added a little bit of asshole seasoning to my response since I got the inkling that he wouldn't let go off this rather uncomfortable topic: "Being crazy just means that a mentally unstable person will be the one, quoting Biggie, who will get "swiss cheesed up" if they get within a square mile of Obama! I'm not worried." Unfortunately, that's when he revealed himself to be the piece of shit that he really was, basically hinting that he hoped that our 44th President would be snatched from the mortal coil in a rather untimely fashion. He commonly sprinkled the words "It will be a sad day" on top of his demented shit sandwich of hate that he was offering me, and I didn't know whether to beat him because of it or to beat him because he belonged to a long list of racists who somehow felt the need to confide their racism to me. So while he was talking, I grabbed his plate with two slices of pizzas still on it and attempted to smother that motherfucker to death. It must have looked comical to the people in the bar because everyone laughed at first, but as I continued to neglect him of air while crushing his ribcage with punishing knee strikes - it was apparent to everyone in eyeshot that entertaining strangers wasn't particularly on my agenda.(Unless they have a strange thing for dead assholes) Anyway, a bunch of guys pulled me off of him while he screamed something silly like "He's trying to kill me!!" - an accusation that was quickly interrupted by me running over and headbutting that bastard as hard as humanly possible. That's when the bouncers physically carried me out of the club as I screamed "You're nothing but talk and a badge. You're nothing but talk and a badge!"("Untouchables" reference) Oh well, another day another bar that I'm banned from. In some alternate universe somewhere my 17 year old self is shaking his head in disgust.

Johnson&Jonson - "J&J"

You know, I never know that a short video snippet of a song could invoke so much anger. See, I've been giving a good friend of mine some well deserved shit because what was once his impeccable taste in music has now regressed to something pretty unrecognizable to a music snob like myself. But he is one of the only friends that I have left, and I love the guy like a brother - so I thought it would be best for me to just look the other way as he poisoned his ears with music that I feel is truly beneath him. I mean, I know that its only music, but my silent consent over the past months was akin to me ignoring a friend's deadly heroin addiction just so I wouldn't make waves. Anyway, I very innocently sent him this clip with the message - "This is real Hip Hop in case you didn't know." I didn't mean it as some sort of taunt, just a public declaration to a friend that Blu is what I consider to be a true MC. That is when he sent me a blistering screed about me being stuck in the past and not readjusting my tastes for the new Millennium. After re-reading the message twenty times, he simply re-affirmed something that I've quietly believed for some time now - that I'm stuck in some Hip Hop version of "Invasion of the Bodysnatchers" where all my friends' tastes in quality music is replaced with melodic autonomous mindlessness. Even though he was right there beside me as I held my Adidas in the air at a Run DMC concert in 1987, he now unfortunately has the misguided notion that Lil Wayne is the greatest rapper that ever lived. I have a friend named Jean who was the biggest Hip Hop fan imaginable when we were growing up, we went to a Whodini show together and we were part of the same breakdance crew - so why on the fuck is a Plies song on her myspace page. My cousin, the person who introduced me to the sounds of EPMD and Big Daddy Kane - currently has a fucking Rick Ross song as his ringtone. I give up.

Jaysmooth: "Hip-Hop Wargames: Ransom vs. Budden"

Via JSmooth

Jsmooth is definitely on point with this video. Coming from a guy who has championed senseless violence for as long as I can remember, its really saying something if even I feel that the fuckery between Joe Budden and Randsom was getting out of hand. That said, and I'm not trying to give anyone any ideas here - but if someone went beyond the call of duty and not only smacked a civilian but said innocent party was my brother, I'd have to respectfully ignore Joe Budden's peace treaty and beat seven shades of shit off of the aforementioned slaphappy coward. But then again that's just me, the asshole.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Bush and the flying shoes

I know that I'm a few days late with this, but I just had to weigh in - especially since my gut reaction to George W Bush almost getting brained by a couple of shoes runs so counter to what everyone else that I know feels about the incident. I mean, for the last eight years I've ranted and raved to the high heavens about Bush's corrupt presidency like everybody else - so much in fact that when John Kerry(A candidate that I wasn't too excited about) lost to Bush, I physically couldn't get myself out of bed for about a week. The last thing you'd expect from someone who wished him both impeachment and to be charged with war crimes is sympathy, but that's exactly the emotion I felt as I saw two shoes go buzzing by our current president's dome. I mean, the guy is the fucking Barney Fife of Commanders in Chief's and I want him evicted from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue as soon as humanly possible - but I just find that sort of blatant disrespect hard to applaud. Yes, Bush is a pair of tits and I hope that the history books see him the same way - but the guy is leaving soon and his approval ratings are in the toilet. That particular display was like seeing a clearly beaten man get kicked in the face by a random bystander, enough. That being said, lets just hope the Secret Service pulls their collective heads out of their asses and reacts to situations faster when Obama is the President. Jesus Christ.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Oh Campbell, just shut the fuck up

Listen, I like Campbell Brown, she really seems to be finding her voice on a cable news channel littered with utterly forgettable personalities that I couldn't pick out a police line-up. More times than not I found myself nodding in agreement as she articulated something that I may have thought about a thousand times before - but she completely missed the mark here. Since last weeks press conference where President-Elect Obama named Hillary Clinton Secretary Of State, the media seemed awkwardly obsessed with the fact that Obama quickly diffused a question concerning the contemptuous rhetoric between him and Hillary during the primary season - an obsession Ms. Brown obviously shares. The clueless petulance of the press in this case is rather giggle-worthy, "How dare he cavalierly disregard a question solely intended to cause him public discomfort?!!" Are you fucking kidding me? The same way its the media's job to ask fair and penetrating questions about a primary season that had our President-Elect constantly question the legitimacy of Hillary Clinton's foreign policy credentials, its also Obama's job to rather calmly brush that question off as if its a piece of lint on his black suit and keep it fucking moving. Ms. Brown's commentary is pretty transparent, she incorrectly characterizes Obama as annoyed when it is her who clearly feels that way. Jesus Christ, if this mild display of Obama's political jui jitsu is going to get her feathers ruffled in such a manner, I suggest that she invest in nothing but protective cups for the next 4 years.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

President-Elect Obama, keep Guantanamo Bay open for wack ass rappers.(

The last few days, watching the liberal blogosphere act like a bunch of whining malcontents as they clumsily hyperventilate over Obama picking Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State, and the President-Elect's decision to let Joe Lieberman keep his chairmanship despite the Connecticut Senator's nasty general election habit of questioning Obama's patriotism and calling him a Marxist - my dear cousin Rose suddenly comes to mind. See, Rose's current boyfriend is a world class guy in my honest opinion, an extremely hard working and unassuming fellow who loves my cousin with every fiber of his being - he would gladly sacrifice his rather interesting life just to extend the tenure of her less than stellar existence. But to hear her tell it, the fact that he occasionally chews with his mouth open, occasionally leaves his socks in sporadic places, and is obsessed with Fantasy Football has made life simply not worth living for my fifth favorite cousin. Listen, Rose's particular gripes aren't all that unreasonable, I'm currently single because I have a penchant for announcing my bowel movements and putting every girlfriend that I've ever had on the business end of a "Dutch Oven". But when you consider the fact that her last boyfriend beat her so routinely that you would have thought he was doing so to a metronome, extracted large sums of money out of her purse, and proceeded to consensually penetrate all of her closest girlfriends - thus providing her entire crew with a delightful case of gonorrhea at exactly the same time. It makes the gripes about her current boyfriend akin to someone bitching about the color of a Maybach that was given to them, or taking issue with the slight stutter your voluptuous porn star girlfriend with Daddy issues has. After 8 years of suffering under a man that can be accurately described as the Barney Fife of Presidents, the prematurely incessant groans about an Obama presidency possibly not living up to some liberal standard seems like a bunch of wasted fucking energy to me.

Besides, for anyone paying attention, Obama has always been more of a pragmatist and less of an ideologue. Despite the fact that Hillary ran a gutter campaign littered with xenophobia and dog whistles, she's extremely qualified to be Secretary of State, and Obama's impressive campaign has momentarily rendered me mute in terms of questioning his decisions for a while. Besides, keep your friends close and enemies closer I say, the last thing he wants is Hillary Clinton causing absolute havoc for him in the Senate. I despise Joe Lieberman as much as the next guy, I wanted Obama to put the smack-down on Lieberman so bad that my right hand shakes every time his pathetic name is mentioned. But Joe Lieberman votes with the Democrats 90% of the time and Obama needs that vote. Besides, when a person goes out of their way to betray your trust and you forgive them without batting an eye, that person usually spends the remainder of their existence kissing your ass. The recent "concerns" from some of the Anti-War left just proves that they weren't paying attention to his campaign over the past 2 years - sure he wants to get out of Iraq as soon as humanly possible, but what part of increasing troop levels in Afghanistan and bombing al qaeda in Pakistan whether their government likes it or not didn't people understand?

But there is one impending Obama action that has the collective hearts of the Netroots going all aflutter, and that is the closing of Guantanamo Bay - an Executive order the President Elect has signaled he will issue the moment he's sworn in. Obviously I agree with this, no logical American who cares about our moral standing in the world can be against the closing of Gitmo - that's whats great about having a President who was once a law professor, a place that represents the blatant disregard for habeas corpus and the Geneva conventions must thoroughly offend his sensibilities. But being that this election was an electoral rebuke of ignorance - Americans gave the proverbial finger to "Drill baby Drill", Joe the Plumber, Guilt-by-Associations, Tito the Builder, and Sarah Palin's Folksy "I feel like she's one of us" shtick - now is a better time than ever for all of us true Hip Hop aficionados to do away with sub-par lyricism that has unfortunately become an accepted part of the music we all love. Aren't you absolutely horrified every time you turn on your radio and find yourself subjected to knuckle-dragging minstrelsy posing as Hip Hop? Don't you cringe every Jim Jones, or some other entertainer of his ilk, tries to convince the populace that "swagger" is a sufficient replacement for actual mic skills? Despite people desperately trying to convince me that he is the second coming of the long haired dude who died for our sins, I've heard nothing but unimpressive 16's from Lil Wayne thus far. How many times have you witnessed some rapper with a gaudy diamond encrusted smile, heard the pedestrian wordplay that escaped his blissfully ignorant mandible and thought - "A monkey could do that!"?

This might sound kind of harsh but I truly feel that people who don't respect Hip Hop as an artform should be treated like enemy combatants and dealt with accordingly. Its this writers humble opinion that Barack Obama should keep Guantanamo Bay open and only house wack ass rappers there. As for recommended torture techniques: 1)Being forced to listen to "Paid in Full" for 48 hours straight. 2)Daily Vocabulary tests given at gunpoint 3)Learning the words to Kool G Rap's "Men at Work" verbatim 4)Forcing the detainees to build a DJ Premier shrine and make them worship at it 5)An Electric shock every time something incredibly stupid is uttered( ala Soulja Boy thanking Slave Masters and DMX now knowing who Barack Obama was) and 6)Random beatings that involve the detainees being hit with a pillowcase full of "WiId Style" VHS tapes.

4 Days/4 people I've assaulted in Barack Obama's name - #3

With only four days until the biggest election of my lifetime, I took it upon myself to take a page out of Lee Stranahan's book. Instead of giving 30 very well thought out reasons to vote for Barack Obama every day until November 4th like he did, I decided to accurately describe four of the most vicious beatings that I've administered while defending the now President-elect. I started off pretty strong, relaying to my readers a rather heartwarming tale where I mercilessly clotheslined some asshole who felt the need to make his assassination fantasies public - but I immediately got sidetracked by the enormity of the election. You know, canvassing for Team Obama, making phone calls, convincing my republican friends that Barack Obama was the better candidate and that Sarah Palin was an incoherent twit, election night excitement that cause me to tongue-kiss women with questionable moral standards(I literally throw up in my mouth every time I think about the walking petri dishes I swapped spit with that night) - the three week celebratory drinking binge that followed. But unlike the scores of scorned lovers that I've had in my lifetime, feverishly getting themselves off in the bed beside me as I quietly nap in pre-ejaculatory bliss - this time I intend to finish what I start.

Dispatched Asshole #3: I don't claim to be the smartest man in the world, every time I've encountered someone with an I.Q that obviously dwarfs mine I have no problem deferring to them with a quickness - even though I'm an insufferable prick, traces of humility can actually be found if you look hard enough. That said, being that the closest watering holes from my house happen to be of the "Dive Bar" variety, I've seriously considered finally putting the bottle down and living a fruitful life of sobriety. Not because I want to save my liver mind you, but because the people who usually frequent these establishments are so fucking beneath me. It sounds elitist, I know, but if you had been subjected to the same amount of nonsensical conversations over the years that I have - you too would occasionally ask people whether their parents were siblings or not. If its not some culturally insensitive question about my hair wrapped in a delightful child-like wonderment tone, or the ever pleasing compliments like "You're pretty smart for a black guy" that I absolutely love - more times than not I've found myself on the business end of the dumbest political arguments known to man. Unfortunately, I was once again subjected to the latter by this female bartender at a horseshit bar called "Parlays".

Anyway, the bartender in question was off of work the night that a friend and I decided to talk about Obama's campaign. As she getting drunk off of her ass a few chairs down, she decided to interject - "Who are y'all talking about? Obama? Let me tell you, he is a Muslim, a Muslim I tell you! If that son of a bitch is ever elected he'll have his al qaeda buddies moving into the White House, watch him give Bin Laden and his followers satellite Television in their caves! If he's elected, we're all doomed!" I usually would have laughed it off and kept drinking, but this particular night I was hardly amused. More times than not I would have argued with the simpleton to simply correct the record, but debating this pint-sized hate monger seemed as pointless as debating the civil rights struggle with Fairuza Balk's character in "American History X". Unfortunately I had to let her slide, if she was a man I could have easily just walked up and chop him in the throat, but that night I was forced to let that brand of ignorance go unchecked. That's until my neighbor Julie walked through the door.

Julie is my Mexican Neighbor from California who I usually get baked with, the mere fact that she lets me get away with speaking in an insulting Mexican accent while dropping Kid Frost "La Raza" references forever puts her in my good graces. She is fine as hell, and I would have made my move a long time ago, but an extremely rough 32 years of life has made her exude the toughest of exteriors. Not for nothing, but I always felt that if we ever got together I'd probably find myself overcompensating because how tough Julie is - sporadically punching strangers in the face and snatching Police Officers' guns for the fuck of it. No thanks. Anyway, I slid Julie a few bucks and she proceeded to beat seven shades of shit out of that mouthy bartender who believed Sean Hannity's lies and clumsy smears. (It was sort of like watching a cartoon fight, where all you see is a big dust cloud with random fists emerging from it) Ok, so I didn't fight anyone this particular time - but I set the ball in motion so that has to count for something)

Johnson&Jonson "Up All Night"

You know that a song is pretty good when you completely forget what you were doing before the tune started. Moments after witnessing my old man snatched from the mortal coil, to this day I can still hear that flat-lining sound in my quietest moments, tears still racing down my face from uncontrollable sobbing - A Tribe Called Quest's "Scenario" came on my car radio and I proceeded to enthusiastically rap every MC's part. For a brief moment I forgot why I was balling like an adolescent. One of my first girlfriends had the audacity to break up with me the same day Public Enemy's "It takes a Nation of Millions.." came out - after two days of completely dissecting and devouring that work of art, I vaguely remember having a conversation with my girlfriend about how much of an asshole I was and some other guy she had met.

The other day my Aunt wanted me to talk to my 20 year old cousin about his excessive marijuana use, which I sort of found odd, because that's sort of like asking Gary Busey to counsel someone about their peculiar behavior. It was obvious that my mothers sister had exhausted all other options. Anyway, I went over to his apartment with my best 80's era, Nancy Reagan-esque anti-drug rhetoric - despite the fact that I had to smoke a fatty before even engaging in such a hypocritical endeavor. When I got there, Johnson&Jonson's "Up All Night" played the background - moments later we were sharing a tightly rolled joint while waxing poetic about Hip Hop. It took an entire day for me to remember what my original agenda for that day was.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

My thoughts on the election, and what took me so long.(

For once in my life I wish I was like everyone else, journalistically able to sum up my innermost feelings in such a succinct fashion - immediately after a country with a history of contempt for African descendants elected the son of a Kenyan to the highest office in the land. Some truly beautiful things have been written online and in print about November 4th 2008, I sincerely tip my hat to the plethora of wordsmiths out there who have the god given ability to corral so many emotions at light speed. Even though I'm the human embodiment of speed, an impatient pre-ejaculator with an ornery hair trigger - the bitter irony of my snails pace approach when waxing poetic about our first black president isn't lost on me. To be completely honest, between the absolute shock that our country electorally did the right thing, the joy of the McCain Campaign being on the business end of an embarrassing defeat, and all of the life altering encounters concerning this election that I've been privy to - that mind-numbing clusterfuck of emotions rendered me virtually useless blogging wise.

I couldn't find the words to express the extreme pride I felt when my best friend in the world, lifelong republican who voted for Bush twice and listens to that proverbial ass-hat Michael Savage - decided to cast his vote for Barack Obama after Sarah Palin pushed him over the edge. I didn't particularly think that a simple blog post could contain the overwhelming joy I felt when the American people let out a gigantic "Fuck you" concerning Sean Hannity's persistent dedication to slime and that dirty secessionist from Alaska and her tired guilt-by-association shtick. I just couldn't find a way to blog about my mother, a woman so strong that she very cavalierly blew smoke rings at my grandmothers funeral and cursed my old man for not taking proper care of himself mere moments after he flat-lined - the way she sobbed uncontrollably when it became apparent that Barack Obama would be our next president is something that will be with me until my dying day. There were no creative segues available for the elderly black man I met at an election watching party at a nearby bar. After I shook one of his weathered hands that I'm sure has seen a half century of hard work, he pulled me in close for an embrace and choked up as whispered "I can die now." into my right ear.

Articulating the various ways that I've been an insufferable prick to the knuckle-dragging hillbillies in my hometown is damn near impossible, causing grown men to soil themselves after being caught trying to steal my Obama yard sign - even grabbing the faces of local Mein Kampf readers so they can mouth the words "President Obama" along with me has made my life worth living again. There's no way a silly online rant could accurately describe the pain in my heart I will always feel, wishing that my father was here to see who became our 44th President. Despite the fact that cancer ravaged his body at the very end, the only times that I ever witnessed my old man cry were the two times that he retold the story of his shipmates celebrating when Martin Luther King was assassinated - I always say that that killed him years before the cancer did. I'm sure that if he had lived long enough to see Barack Obama become President, that would have made the most painful memories of his life an afterthought. There's no way I could have sat down and blogged about that. Shit, I guess I just did.

Friday, October 31, 2008

..and playing the role of "Mike Tyson", Karl Rove.(

Regardless of how many political winds are at Barack Obama's back right now, the manner in which the McCain campaign seems to be imploding right in front of our very eyes, and the daily poll numbers that look so good to a pervert like me that I want to dim the lights, download them, and proceed to give myself a well deserved "fist assist" - I find myself being the human embodiment of a famous Dave Chappelle quote: "What is a black man without his paranoia?" I mean, I'm the same guy who still ended up wearing two condoms after I forced a local stripper to get an AIDS test, this election is far from over and my readers should really follow my mentally unstable lead this time and proceed cautiously.That being said, regardless who winds up winning this election, the one thing thing that I am confident in announcing is that Rovian-style politics died a miserable fucking death this election cycle. Don't get me wrong, dirtball politics of some level will always be around. But in a day and age when every schmuck with a computer thinks he's a legitimate reporter, with the truth only a few measly keystrokes away - it becomes increasingly difficult to stick the proverbial landing on Karl Rove's patented bullshit tactics nowadays.

Even though Karl Rove claims that he isn't working with the Republican Nominee, it would be a Bob Beamon-esque leap of faith to think that he hasn't given the McCain Campaign some unsolicited advice. Not only that, he might as well work for McCain with all the Rove protegees slithering around the now flailing 72 year old. That being said, the way that the Rovian tactics have either failed to catch on this election, either because of the current political climate or the Obama campaign's utterly effective counter-punching - I'm wondering if the man that George W. Bush affectionately refers to as "turd blossom" is beginning to look more and more like Mike Tyson. Let me explain:

Despite his disappointing boxing career, legal troubles, the truly reprehensible comments that he's made, a life that seems to be in the midst of a downward spiral, and the misguided face tattoos - I still find myself being a big Mike Tyson fan. But the one nagging question that honest fans of the Brownsville native are forced to ask themselves, despite his impressive highlight reel consisting of either grown men figuratively wetting themselves in fear or a vast array of examples of some schmo having his skull forcefully detached from their spine, is the "Is Mike Tyson overrated?" question. Maybe the jail time robbed him of more than his freedom, switching around trainers like a human shell game can't be helpful to your career, and possibly Mike Tyson's fragile mental state made it damn near impossible for him to remain a focused fighter - but after the Buster Douglas defeat, no-name journeymen and proverbial tomato cans started giving the champ serious troubles in the ring. His rapid decline made me think, was he ever the tornadic force of nature that I thought that he was? Or was the brutal perception that preceded him more of a factor in defeating his opponents than the actual fighter was?

That's kind how I view Karl Rove right about now, especially after seeing how ineffective his bullshit is when faced with Democrats willing to trade with him in the middle of the ring. Sure, he's perceived as an evil genius, and you can't deny that some of his underhanded sleaze has won many an election. But his misguided predictions for the 2006 elections proved that he's no clarvoyant, and the way that the American people have rejected his politics of division when a good dosage of Democratic push-back is thrown in the mix - it makes one wonder, was the fear of Karl Rove's tactics more the undoing of Democrats than the actual man?

4 Days/4 people I've assaulted in Barack Obama's name

Because of my hair trigger temper and a fundamental lack of tact, simply canvassing for Barack Obama has proven to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life - outside of the time I clumsily thrusted my pelvis on top of a female body builder one alcohol fuelled night.(Not for nothing, but I now know what it feels like to fuck a stack of 2x4's) Despite the fact that the residents occupying my mental Mayberry of a town have been unbelievably perceptive to Obama's message of change and restoring the middle class, which is definitely a good thing, but the blissful ignorance and subtle racism I've also experienced definitely had tested my overall resolve. But because I support a unifying candidate who would probably look down on one of his canvassers slamming a registered voter's head into their own mailbox or shoving a McCain/Palin yard-sign up some garden variety racists ass - I've proceeded to grit my teeth and politely correct the record whenever some bottom-feeding Pat Buchanan fan implies that Obama is either a Muslim or that he will singlehandedly destroy Israel. Sometimes both. The unflappable demeanor that I've temporarily exhibited has absolutely fooled some of the older women who I've been canvassing with, many of them effortlessly offering up their innocent daughters to a reprehensible asshole like me - all because my winning smile and endless stream of Eddie Haskell-esque bullshit has them incorrectly thinking that I'm some sort of upstanding citizen who teaches Sunday School to underprivileged children in my spare time. Sometimes I wish that I could momentarily give these lovely sexagenarian's the same powers that Johnny Smith had in "The Dead Zone" and force them to momentarily touch my hand to get a glimpse of my tortured soul - the carnage, destruction, gratuitous violence, and miscellaneous women that I've made sweet love to in the back seat of my muscle car would have them running for the hills.

But when I get back home, take off the Obama pins and put away the campaign literature, all bets are off. Which means, basically, that I no longer feel tethered by the high mindedness of the candidate that I passionately support. Usually finding myself mercilessly chin checking some garden variety asshole who says anything remotely reprehensible about the junior senator from Illinois. I'm not talking some random person questioning Obama's economic package or his plan to end the war in Iraq, I'm talking about examples of overt racism and even assassination fantasies - actions that I believe deserve swift and abrupt metacarpal attention. I'm aware that this isn't exactly the image that the Obama campaign wants out there, and deep down I know better than to verify peoples "angry black male" stereotypes. But the luxury of being crazy is that I don't particularly give a shit. Besides, my humble opinion is that my random acts of violence actually save lives, because if I kept all that anger bottled up, anger brought on because of all the proverbial knuckle-draggers I find myself surrounded by - I'd probably go on a goddamn killing spree.

That being said, I'm huge fan of Lee Stranahan's brilliant video series "30 Days/30 Days: Why I'm Voting for Barack Obama" - where, as the title suggests, he gives daily reasons why he is voting for Obama up until November 4th. Definitely check it out, its dope. So, to take a page out of his book, I'm dedicating the next four days to 4 despicable motherfuckers I've punched in the face while defending Barack Obama. Enjoy.

Dispatched Asshole #4: Right after Barack Obama had sewn up the Democratic nomination, around the time he did his first unity rally with Hillary Clinton, I was at my favorite watering hole looking for low self esteem having women while rapidly ruining my liver. At the other end of the bar I overheard two men talking about Barack Obama. I couldn't really make out what they were saying, but I've been around enough drunk racists in my day to know that the vibe they were giving off didn't particularly inspire me to go over there and talk about the decline of "Real" Hip Hop. I did my best to ignore them, lord knows that I did, but when I heard one of them talk about Obama "not making it to election day" and how he wanted someone to "step up and take him out" I had heard enough. So I slowly walked over to the men and said, "Listen, I know that it is a free country and all, but publicly addressing assassination fantasies at a bar is even unseemly for you two backwards ass, "Deliverance" extras. Cut-it-out. Thank you." As I slowly walked back to my seat to reacquaint myself with my Guinness, the same guy that was talking all that shit said "Yeah know, I'm an excellent shot!". Shit, the next thing I know I'm clotheslining him out of his chair. As he laid on the ground choking from the clothesline, I kept screaming "What did I tell you!!" - as I stomped on him in such a fashion that curious onlookers probably assumed that I was making bigot flavored wine. His friend looked at me in extreme horror and said, "Hey man, he said all that racist shit - I'm voting for Obama!" Somehow I don't believe him, but it saved his ass from a beating though.

Two New ads presenting Obama's closing argument

With all the clumsy whisper campaigns, pundit spewing xenophobia, John McCain and Sarah Palin calling Obama a "socialist" despite most of their supporters not knowing what the word means, and the insistence that he's a terrorist sympathizer - nothing puts those allegations to bed like playing the Buffet and Powell card.

Has anyone seen an Obama commercial showing the image of McCain and Bush in that awkward embrace yet? I'm waiting for it, but if it never comes its OK, because this ad hogtying Bush and McCain together is the next best thing. Having Bush and McCain in the rear view mirror is a brilliant message to voters.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Last Night's Debate: "Beat Biter, Dope Style Taker"(

MC Lyte: "10% Diss"

Three weeks is an eternity in politics, you never know what unforeseen event could shake up the race until its utterly unrecognizable to even the most seasoned political pundits. Letting poll numbers lull you into a false sense of security is the type of complacency that we can ill afford, especially when a functioning illiterate secessionist creationist may possibly be a 72 year old heartbeat away from the presidency. In short, this race is far from over. That being said, like a seasoned poker player who notices another player's "tell", John McCain's campaign manager Rick Davis exposed a fatal flaw in their campaign's logic a few months ago. Regurgitating Hillary Clinton's playbook. Remember in late July when the McCain Campaign accused Barack Obama of playing the race card from "the bottom of the deck" as campaign manager Rick Davis put it, simply because Obama said this: "What they're going to try to do is make you scared of me. You know, he doesn't look like all those other presidents on the dollar bills." Sentiments Obama had said many times before, but the McCain Campaign decided to pounce on that particular instance as him "playing the race card" - a tactic often used by your garden variety knuckle-draggers who themselves want an unobstructed path to use racism. But one thing that really caught my attention around that time were the interviews that Rick Davis was giving, saying with righteous indignation that they wouldn't let the race card be played on them the same way it was played against Hillary Clinton. Not only did I find that to be a rather peculiar thing to say because of the factual inaccuracy of it all, the media were the ones who highlighted the shitload of Clinton Campaign verbal miscues concerning race, but also that the McCain Campaign was using the defeated Clinton Campaign as some sort of campaign cheat-sheet of sorts.

Nothing made me think of the chorus of MC Lyte's "10% Diss" more than John McCain's performance in last nights debate, the words "Beat Biter, Dope Style taker" pounding my temples like a hangover migraine - if wasn't obvious that McCain's presidential run was a cheap knockoff version of Hillary Clinton's failed campaign, it was surely crystal clear last night. The parallels are striking: Both made "Experience" a centerpiece of their campaign only to abandon it and awkwardly co-opt "Change" while trying to maintain a straight face. Both campaigns leaked like a proverbial sieve. Both had supporters who were openly critical of their campaign. Both seemed to let Barack Obama get under their skin. While running relatively negative campaigns, both tried to convince the public that their opponent was truly the negative one. Hillary Clinton's campaign was seriously outclassed in terms of the electoral map, and it looks like the general election is headed in the same direction. Not to mention the unseemly attacks on Barack Obama that John McCain is performing without the proper sample clearance from Hillary Clinton - which brings me to the debate last night.

Barack Obama is now 3 for three in these debates. Last night he exhibited the same sort of intelligent calm that has been expected of the Junior Senator amidst all the petulant sighing, eye-rolling, and interrupting from a person who I feel is the most immature 72 year old known to man. My father always liked to say "You always have to fear someone who doesn't have anything to lose", obviously Barack Obama didn't get that message as his figuratively palmed John McCain's forehead while avoiding wildly thrown punches that hit nothing but air. ACORN? Swing and a miss. Tax and Spend Liberal? Slipped that punch and gave McCain a jab for his trouble. Abortion? Usually a politically dangerous issue for Democrats, Barack made origami out of it while John McCain will forever regret that he put the word "Health" in the phrase "health of the mother" in air quotes. Health care? For the first time ever, a Democrat has successfully defined his opponents plan to the American electorate. John McCain playing the victim via John Lewis? Barack basically told McCain to stop being a bitch, saying "I think the American people are less interested in our hurt feelings during the course of the campaign than addressing the issues that matter to them so deeply." John McCain said "Sen. Obama, I am not President Bush? Obama pretty much said that they were indeed twins with this statement: "If I occasionally mistaken your policies for George Bush's policies it's because on the core major issues that matter ot the American people ... you have been a vigorous supporter of President Bush."

But John McCain's arguing about William Ayers in last nights debate, after it has shown itself to be a failing tactic, brings his plagiarism of Hillary Clinton's campaign full circle. It was silly during the primaries and its even sillier now, and with Obama breaking it down for 10's of millions of Americans to see, lets just hope that John McCain stops embarrassing himself with these regurgitated smears. I just hope that Hillary Clinton gets a phat royalty check from John McCain after his campaign comes to a halt, fucking "Beat Biter, Dope Style Taker"

2008: The Year of the House Negro(

Despite the fact that being a germaphobe makes reminiscing about girlfriends past become a rather vomit inducing endeavor, one thing is for certain - the most interesting woman that I've ever been with was this black hippy chick named Starr. I've been told that grown women absolutely hate being referred to as "adorable", I can see why, any adjective that makes a person instantly think about toddlers and puppies can hardly make your garden variety woman feel sexy - but that seems to be the only suitable word that describes the only ex of mine that had a lifetime supply of flower dresses. I mean, she always sounded completely stoned to the point that a cancer diagnosis coming from her would invoke child-like chuckles, her apartment stayed smelling like sage or frankincense, and she was so phenomenally upbeat about life that she even turned my intimacy issues into her allowing me to use her body as a "vessel" before finding the true meaning in life. Besides a love for organic toothpaste that for some reason I found objectionable at the time, and an unfortunate disdain for razor blades that prompted me to sometimes refer to her as "Harry and the Henderson's" whenever we made love, looking back she seems more like a character in a book to me than an actual person. But what I remember the most about the young lady, besides her goofy ritual of reading my "energy" and desperately wanting to always align my chakras, was her tireless dedication to knowing as much as humanly possible about the Chinese Zodiac. I vividly remember her telling me that I was born in "The Year of The OX"(1973), and even though there are characteristics attributed to a person born under said sign that are absolutely foreign to an asshole like me (Dependable, calm, Patient) - there are other qualities that I feel match me to a tee.(Systematic, stubborn, individualistic, critical)

I find myself thinking about Starr a lot nowadays, especially the many times I've caught a black conservative on some random cable news program passionately arguing the case for a John McCain presidency - I'm certain that she would have gotten a kick out me calling 2008 "The Year of the House Negro". I'm not going to lie, for the longest time I held the firm belief that any black person who called themselves a conservative was the moral equivalent to an enemy combatant - sincerely believing that such an illogical political philosophy had to be born out of a painful childhood experience on some "Were you abused as a child, scared to smile, they called you ugly?" Nas "Ether" shit. Now that I'm older, wiser, and have met many well intentioned black conservatives who wouldn't readily give up my address if a race war ever broke out - I now see the error in my ways, so nowadays I just leave the knee-jerk reactions to harmless bar banter and women who don't give head. I'll never be completely sold on black conservatism but I respect many of them - the same way a clairvoyant could rattle off 50 accurate facts about me and I'll still leave wondering if she's completely full of shit or not.

But the reason why I've described 2008 as "The Year of the House Negro" is for video like the one I've provided above. James T. Harris, a conservative who attended a McCain rally in Waukesha, WI last week, playing himself like Bobby McFerrin after reportedly being rushed to the front row by McCain aides who jumped at the opportunity to mix some color in with their lillywhite hate rallies. Not only do I think that Mr. Harris' "take it to him" pleas are a bit nonsensical since John McCain's campaign has been one gigantic slime-fest, but for a black man to urge a presidential candidate to smear another black man with phony smears intended to instill fear in people - well, that's a self loathing even foreign to a low self-esteem having pre-ejaculator such as myself. Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with black people supporting a republican ticket. But supporting a ticket that has willingly participated in forms of xenophobia and race baiting so rampant that the Secret Service had to get involved after provoked supporters screamed things like "Kill Him" and "Off with his head" is absolutely unconscionable. But my wrath isn't only directed at the proverbial Stepin Fetchit that is Mr. James Harris, shit, you can't throw a rock this campaign season without hitting some black conservative on cable passionately supporting John McCain and his empty pant-suited running mate whose careless rhetoric could possible get Barack Obama killed. I guess Chuck D was right, "Every brother ain't a brother cause of color!"

Monday, October 13, 2008

The Trials and Tribulations of a man and his Obama yard sign(

From the moment he announced his candidacy on the steps of the old capitol building in Springfield, Illinois until now, my unwavering support for Barack Obama has absolutely shocked some of my closest friends and family members. See, being an unrepentant asshole has its fair share of perks along with your garden variety opportunity for sheer comedic gold. Like the time I decided to reward a malnourished stripper by placing a sandwich at her feet, a few months ago when I became so irritated by the nonsensical melodrama at the funeral of my cousin's boyfriend that I felt the urge to blurt out "Chalk it up as an occupational hazard, the guy was a fucking drug dealer for Christs sake!" - or like last week when my friend's two domesticated male monkeys started to have sex and I very casually said "Man, they are literally going ape shit, aren't they?" But being an asshole also has some serious drawbacks as well. For example, until recently foreplay for me was sharing the most disgusting double penetration video in my possession with my lover right before blessing her with a memorable pelvic thrusting that would invoke both over-exaggerated eye-rolls and comedic fodder for her friends. Sure, if you ever need me to back you up in a bar fight I'm more than a willing participant, usually taking it upon myself to explain what a good friend I am while administering one hell of a beating on the asshole in question. But to tell the truth, I'm not exactly the best guy in the world to be friends with. For one thing, I have a penchant for letting my telephone ring when I know that they need me for some sort of manual labor, I'm not particularly interested in attending any function that I'm invited to that doesn't involve alcohol, and if I do make my presence known I'm habitually late and tend to make extremely lame excuses to explain said tardiness. For example, I actually said, "Listen, I spent 5 years in catholic school and I can't go into a church nowadays without my asshole hurting." - who else do you know that would put themselves on the business end of a fictitious clergy molestation reference just to explain an absence at a baptism? So suffice it to say, my ex-girlfriends who discovered that I was an emotional cripple after they found themselves on the wrong side of a glory hole, along with my family and friends who are all too familiar with my flighty nature - are all overwhelmingly surprised by my commitment to Obama in terms of me canvassing around my backwards ass city and the overall vocal support I've shown for the man. Until now I haven't shown any consistent commitment to anything, outside of Kevin Smith movies, a strange obsession with Janeane Garofalo, and deviant forms of pornography that would even make Larry Flint's skin crawl.

But now that I think about it, the last paragraph was nothing but decorative window dressing for my cowardice - refusing to be a reliable friend is just a protective shield in case someone I'm cool with turns out to be a complete dick, being an emotional cripple who treats intimate encounters with the same passion one would a dental check-up is just an invisible force-field formed after years of having my heart pulled out of my chest. My lack of commitment is born out of one innate fear, witnessing a downside to completely putting your heart into something. "With great sacrifice comes great rewards" they say. Now that I've finally put my heart into something, the candidacy of Barack Obama, I'm now unfortunately starting to see a serious downside to that endeavor. No, the candidate himself hasn't disappointed me in any way, shape, or form - what I'm talking about is the 24 hour job guarding my Obama yard sign has become. Not to mention the frequent vehicular debates I find myself in over a simple Obama sticker.

See, even though I've always supported Obama, when he first started running I sincerely felt that he didn't have a snowballs chance in Lil Kim's crotch of winning. That mainly had to do with the city I live in, Virginia beach Virginia, a mental Mayberry masquerading like its an up-in-coming Metropolis. The same way a war veteran probably wouldn't be phased if he witnessed some asshat getting his brains plastered on some dive-bar wall, racism of any kind hardly causes me to flinch based on my wealth of experience provided by the bottom feeders in my city. Everything from Overt racism, fist fighting two neo-Nazi's at a gas station who wanted to kill me solely because I was born with melanin. Subtle racism, "I would have never imagined that YOU were a writer. Wow!" Also weird racism, like the time a local drunk who I was sort of friendly with interrogated me with questions concerning me "not having his back" during a bar altercation that he was in - an altercation that started because he had called the other guy a "nigger" no less. But after Barack Obama won lillywhite Iowa my eyebrows began to raise, as he racked up primary victory after primary victory I started to believe, and when he beat Hillary Clinton to become the Democratic Nominee for President I unbelievably viewed his path to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue with rose colored glasses. Nothing brings you back to earth like a black candidate leading in the polls with less than a month to go, let tell you. There is no larger reality check than the thought of a black man holding the highest office in the land creeping into consciousness of the scared bigots of my area. There is no colder splash of cold water on your face like having to guard your Obama yard sign as if your life depended on it, and almost engaging in traffic altercations over an innocent campaign sticker. Here are a few examples:

Obama 08' Bumper sticker Drama: The moment that I placed the bumper sticker on my car I'd either get those "Ahh, you're supporting because he's black" epiphany inspired looks on people's faces or they did their best to get in front of my car to display their ironically warn Bush/Cheney bumper stickers. But as the possibility of an Obama presidency gets closer to becoming a reality, the more people's passive aggressive responses become a distant memory. For example, when some jackass pulled up beside me and called Barack Obama a "terrorist" and I simply replied "You're mother's a terrorist" - after that, the man took it upon himself to follow me home. As he pulled up in my driveway to passionately explain his fear of "black people taking over" if Obama is elected, I proceeded to go inside my residence only to come out a few moments later to show the kind gentlemen 357 reasons why you never follow someone home.

*While I was in rush hour traffic this older gentleman actually tried to peel my Obama sticker off of my car. He would have succeeded too, if a kind lady cab driver didn't whistle to get my attention. So I reached for the metal pipe that I keep under my seat, rushed to the back of my car and yelled "What in the fuck do you think you're doing?" He had a look of absolute horror on his face, maybe it was because I caught him in the act, maybe because a burly black guy with long dreadlocks clutching a metal pipe in a menacing fashion doesn't exactly inspire peace and tranquility. Who knows? But the most that the old guy could utter was, "He will ruin this country!", in which I responded "Well, if you touch my Obama sticker I'm going to permanently ruin your motherfucking equilibrium!" As he ran back to his car and I went back to mine the cab driver said, "Threatening an old man with a pipe over a bumper sticker? The penalty doesn't exactly fit the crime!", in which I immediately responded "Those rules don't particularly apply when you're crazy!"

Defending my Obama Yard Sign: A day after I placed my Obama yard sign in my front lawn, I noticed some fat redneck staring at my sign as his car idled. As I was retrieving my paper, hungover from the night before, I walked up to the gentleman and said "Hey Larry the Cable guy, what are you staring at? There aren't any snacks in there for you!" - thinking that the portly gentleman had his eyes fixed on my house.(That joke now strokes me as ridiculous, being that I haven't had a clear view of my penis since 2000) After that the man angrily drove away. A few minutes later I peaked out of my window and noticed that same man getting out of his car, heading straight to my Obama yard sign. Listen, I haven't been on a football field in years, but the way I bolted out of my door only to run full speed and dive tackle that freedom of expression hating bastard - it made me reminisce about the days when I had a six pack, and I didn't perspire when I ate. The old lady next door told me that I looked like the Captain Morgan's logo as I stood proudly with one foot on top of that asshole's belly.

*Because I have abysmal sleeping habits that have me either writing at odd hours of the night or smoking tightly rolled joints while most Americans are fast asleep - I was doing the latter one night on my dimly lit porch as I noticed a gentleman creeping into my yard while clutching a spray paint can. After I put down my joint and crept with the nimbleness of most ninjas, I waited for the young man to ready his artistic instrument by shaking it before I attacked. As I lunged at him he let out a bitch-like scream, which made me momentarily giggle as I headbutted him before lighting his ass up with body shots. That's when I grabbed his spray can, painted his entire face black, then angrily told the would-be campaign yard-sign defacer "Come on Al Jolson, say Mammy mother fucker! Say Mammy!" There's nothing like pummeling someone while rocking their feeble world with obscure references.

Before you sprain your wrist patting John McCain on the back..

When I saw John McCain putting his foam-mouthed supporters in place I was relieved, not because I felt like the Arizona Senator finally showed an ounce of common decency - but because I literally thought that the chances of Barack Obama getting assassinated greatly decreased simply by John McCain correcting the record. I've witnessed both cable pundits and bloggers alike opine about the return of ".the John McCain they knew", as if some political beacon on light who has been unfortunately forced against his will to wade into the muck and mire of Rovian-style gutter tactics decided to listen to his tortured conscious and return to civility. Bullshit I say. Listen, I don't think that John McCain is an inherently evil man, but he had to sign off on everything from those crummy "Who is the real Barack Obama?" ads, the Bill Ayers talking points, and the violence inciting rhetoric coming out of his illiterate rube of a running mate. Forgive my cynicism, but John McCain attempting to calm down some of his hateful supporters is like a person suddenly trying to domesticate their pitbull after years of entering the animal in a shitload of dogfights. Besides, how else could he have possibly answered the "Obama is an arab" woman or the expecting father who claimed to be scared of an Obama presidency? If he agrees with the misinformed old woman about Obama's background or the notion that an Obama presidency is something to be feared then the election is over, cancel Christmas. You shouldn't be commended for showing a modicum of decency. So please, consider the campaign he has run before you sprain your wrist patting John McCain on the back.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Obama Surrogate All-Star Team(

Yesterday in Florida, for the first time that I can recall, Bill Clinton gave a rather passionate endorsement of an Obama presidency. It was pretty good to hear, especially after the past few weeks after the man who once famously treated a grown woman's vagina like his own personal humidor has offered nothing but impersonal faint praise for Obama and effusive praise for a man that once called his daughter "ugly". To say that I was mildly irritated by the behavior of the 42nd president is a gross understatement akin to me saying that I'm a fan of triple penetration pornography. I mean, I understand that he's still licking the fresh wounds of a brutal primary season that his wife was on the business end of, and being labeled a "racist" by a community that you thought would have your back for an eternity has to sting a little - but his refusal to give Obama anything remotely resembling a full throated endorsement has him coming across like a whining malcontent, or a scorned teenager lover in ex-presidential clothing. Bill Clinton is a guy that you definitely want on your side, a supremely skilled politician with oratorical abilities hovering around Obama's, his ability to communicate with those working class voters still unsure about Obama could prove to be invaluable come election day. But if he can't duplicate his performance yesterday, and continues his dreadful habit of being a political analyst while cheerleading the character of John McCain and not an Obama advocate - someone in Team Obama should tell Mr. Clinton, in the best way possible mind you, to "kick rocks motherfucker!"

But then again, compared to four years ago, Barack Obama has nowhere near the same surrogate problem that John Kerry had. John Kerry is a good man who I respect, he outclasses George Bush in every category imaginable and we wouldn't be in the mess we are in right now if he was currently our president. That being said, his campaign was ran rather shabbily, letting the republicans set the agenda at every turn like some high school bully while taking extremely too long to attack those SwiftBoating knuckle-draggers. Utter incompetence like that coming from a presidential candidate can only trickle downwards, it seemed as if I'd witness extremely weak campaign surrogates getting their asses handed to them by Bush surrogates on a daily basis. Responding to slanderous attacks in a timely fashion isn't the only lesson that Barack Obama learned from John Kerry, the junior Senator from Illinois actually has effective campaign surrogates(both official and unofficial) which is in stark contrast to the inept public defenders John Kerry had during his campaign. Here is Barack Obama's campaign surrogate All-Star Team.

Claire McCaskill
Day Job: Senator(MO)
Claire McCaskill first endorsed Obama back in January, which many credit with his narrow win in the state of Missouri, and ever since she has probably been his most passionate advocate outside of his wife Michelle. The thing that I truly like about Ms. McCaskill, something she wasn't even afraid to exhibit back when Obama's opponent was Hillary Clinton, is her impressive ability to proverbally stick the knife in while having a gigantic grin on her face.(See Video, she brings up John McCain's melanoma and his chances of dying in office - while grinning) She also chews up opposing surrogates with ease, if Joe Biden hadn't been picked as the Vice Presidential Nominee, I wouldn't have been mad if Obama picked the junior Senator from Missouri.

Chris Kofinis
Day Job: Political Consultant, worked on Wesley Clarke's and John Edwards' campaign.
He's not officially with the Obama campaign, but the guy is truly a hatchet man - more times than not he's dismembering republican surrogates by way of ridicule, sarcasm, or outright mocking. Its truly a sight to be seen. He can be seen most night's on "Countdown with Keith Olbermann", where he is quite good - but he is truly brilliant when he is on some random MSNBC show making a republican operative look like a silly pair of clown shoes. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a video of that, so this will have to do.

Ari Melber
Day Job: Writes for The Nation, Politico, covers the Obama Campaign for the Washington Independent

Even though he's not an official surrogate for Team Obama, the guy should be, every time I've caught a glimpse of him going against some right-winger spouting nothing but daily approved talking points carnage usually ensued. He's an articulate attack dog who never lets the host or his opponent talk over him, and mixes in enough well placed elbows while factually making his case to make him the gold standard when it comes to campaign surrogates. You can check out this clip where he decimates that house negro Joe Watkins, or this clip below where he proceeds to show all the young pimps out there what making someone their bitch looks like. Poor Brad Blakeman.

Debbie Wasserman-Schultz
Day Job: Congresswoman(FL)
There were many Hillary Clinton surrogates during the primaries that said some rather questionable things about Barack Obama who are now very supportive of the Senator, Mrs. Wasserman-Schultz included, but out of all the Hillary people she is by far the most passionate advocate for Obama. She sort of reminds me of Dennis Rodman, boy you hated that motherfucker with a passion, but when that cross-dressing freak joined your team, you couldn't be happier.

John Kerry
Day Job: Senator(Mass)Yes, I know, I spent a great deal of time in this very post bashing John Kerry and his poorly run campaign. But what is up with defeated Democratic Nominees for president emerging out of nowhere with a shiny new pair of balls? Al Gore lost, grew a fucking beard, publicly ripped the bark off of George W. Bush whenever possible, and won himself a noble prize. As much as I criticized the man for acting too slowly after he was smeared by the Swiftboat Vets, feeling as if he was just another Democrat who was scared to hit his opponent in the throat, he emerges as one of Barack Obama's toughest surrogates. Gone are the Herman Munster-esque rhetorical snooze-fests when speaking, a possible Obama presidency has lit such a figure under his ass that he often comes across as a justifiably angry every man.Whether its tearing into Bill O'Reilly, advocating for Obama on "This Week with George Stephanopoulos, or taking apart Joe Lieberman(below) - John Kerry would have won in 2004 if he had the temperament that he now displays..

If Joe Biden was Muhammad Ali and I was Angelo Dundee..

If last weeks presidential debate didn't finally provide smoking gun evidence to the American electorate that cable news pundits don't know what in the fuck they are talking about, then nothing will wake them from their low information induced slumber. While people were right to obsess over McCain's refusal to look Barack Obama in the eye during the debate and his overall irritable nature, because voters tend to act negatively to such behavior. But all the insistent hand-wringing concerning Obama not going on the attack and his conciliatory nature was misguided at best. Obama's game plan that night wasn't to stick the proverbial landing on more zingers than John McCain, matter of fact winning the debate was more of an afterthought for him last Friday - his main goal that night was to make people comfortable with the possibly of him being their president. That he did masterfully. Obviously he'll never sway the pockets of people who think he's a Muslim no matter how many facts you hit them with, or the folks who masturbate to Mein Kampf and play "Birth of a Nation" on their respective movie nights. But I'm certain that there is are a shitload of white people who were simply on the fence because they didn't know much about Obama, and that debate last week was the first step in locking those people up. What these pundits don't understand, every time they wax poetic about some inane strategic "failing" of Barack Obama, is that he's running a campaign within a campaign. He has to be Jay Z, purposely dumbing down his genius just so everyone can get aboard his "Change" express. He has to be Joe Louis, black enough for black folks and gracious enough in battle to win over millions of white people. He had to do all that while proving that he had serious foreign policy chops. No small feat, let me tell you.

Now on to tonight's debate, Joe Biden vs. Sarah Palin. During the Republican convention we saw a Vice Presidential candidate who could effective deliver convincing attack lines that were dripping with utter contempt and sarcasm. As long as a teleprompter was handy that is. Since then she has flailed around like a fish out of water in the few interviews that she's given, proving that the amount of foreign policy that she knows could fit on the tip of a pen - exposing the fact that John McCain's attack dog doesn't have any fucking teeth. You better believe that tonight she will be fully stocked with scathing attack lines against Joe Biden and Barack Obama that have been ghostwritten by some garden variety Reagan worshipper, dripping with the same contempt and sarcasm. But Joe Biden can't be suckered, getting into any testy exchanges with her would be disastrous - not because she's a formidable opponent, because Team McCain would just claim that Biden was bullying her. Whenever the person with a resume so thin that it inspired Howard Fineman to joke, "Sarah Palin makes Barack Obama look like John Adams", decides to viciously attack Joe Biden's record - I know he'll be tempted to say, "Bitch, you don't even know what the Bush Doctrine is!" but he can't. Joe Biden would be better served to simply ignore her personal attacks. Simply parry each one with a wide smile before going on to the next topic. Avoid sarcasm and condescension at all cost. Spend most of the time ripping the bark off of John McCain. He has to keep his answers as concise as humanly possible. He needs to resist the urge to go overboard when citing his vast experience. Ok, I did my Angelo Dundee "She's dropping her left hand champ, soften up the body!" routine - go in there and get em' Joe!

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

The Debate Drinking Game(The McCain edition)-

(This was posted on Vibe hours before the debate, I personally think that you'd be quite fucked up if you played this drinking game)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm HumanityCritic and I'm an alcoholic. Granted, my alcoholism is not nearly as bad as it was eight years ago when my old man passed and my mother was diagnosed with cancer. Every single night throwing back the strongest liquor available as if I was Nick Cage's character in "Leaving Las Vegas", later waking up on some strange park bench, in some strange woman's bed, or on some miscellaneous bar floor after a stranger didn't particularly appreciate my dry wit and sarcasm. Even though I now only imbibe alcohol on the weekends, the words of an otherwise forgettable 7th grade health teacher haunt me every time I put a bottle to my soup-coolers: "If you find yourself drinking on schedule, constantly planning when you're going to indulge in the spirits - you're an alcoholic!" Boy, if Mr Chowns could see me now. I mean, its one thing to be an alcoholic when you're a wildly successful writer like Ernest Hemingway, people buying into that "tortured artist" bullshit as your bank account expands and you suddenly find yourself swimming in so many panties from women who openly reject PETA that you could open up your a chain of "Lane Bryant's". But nothing is sexy about a struggling alcoholic writer. I'm some person held a memory close to their heart concerning the time they heard one of Truman Capote's drunken boasts first hand until their dying day. I wonder how many Cubans told their closest family and friends about the time they got shitfaced with Ernest Hemingway half a century ago? There is no such allure attached to a guy who once threw up on a woman during sex, drunkenly admitted at a friends wedding that I slept with his mother when I was a teenager, or any other shenanigans for that matter - not when you're a struggling writer who blogs about people who are inferior based on their musical tastes and my penchant for alphabetizing my pornography collection.

I'm aware that graveyards are filled with the skeletons of people who were disingenuous when they were alive, claimed that they'd stop drinking years before their livers finally gave out, I know - but I truly plan on stopping after the New Year. I would stop sooner, but like billions of drunks that came before me, I wrestle with the fact that I intensely love something that is absolutely killing me at the same time. I mean, when I rolled that handicapped man into traffic after he said "Rakim sucks" - I would have never done something that heinus if I was sober. Last week, as I argued with some racist republican who claimed that blacks would riot in the streets if any harm ever came of Obama because "that's all you guys know!" - I commenced in punching him in the face 5 good times with sniper-like accuracy. See If I was sober I would have realized that assaulting him was simply proving his point, and would have probably stuck to breaking him down verbally. But what fun is that exactly? I never would have found the courage to battle a local MC at his own show and openly question the sanity of his 14 fans if stuck to drinking soda.

But for health reasons, and for the fact that I haven't had a clear view of my penis since Cross Color jeans were fashionable, I'm going to have to incorporate more asshole moments that aren't alcohol induced. That being said, I plan on finding new and innovative ways to get absolutely plastered between now and the end of the year - like a drinking game inspired by John McCain's verbal ticks in tonight's debate.

Take a shot of your favorite liquor every time..

John McCain brings up his POW experience: John McCain's time in a Hanoi Hilton should never be denigrated, and even people like me who are his staunchest critics have to admire his heroism during his time in captivity. That being said, not only do I reject the notion that somehow being a POW is a qualification to be president, but also the flimsy claim regurgitated by the press that John McCain is uneasy to use it for political gain. Bullshit, he uses it all the time - his campaign has uses it every time they don't have a sufficient enough comeback to an Obama campaign charge. When the Obama campaign pounded McCain about him not knowing how many houses he owned, the countered with "This is a guy who lived in one house for 5 and a half years, in prison!" Jesus Christ. Rudy Giuliani has 9/11, John McCain has his POW experience. Take a shot every time Mr. McCain brings up this sad chapter in his life.

John McCain utters the phrase "Country First": One thing that I wish Obama would point out is how John McCain "the soldier" is a hero while John McCain "the candidate" is a spineless coward. Whenever John McCain uses the term "Country First", it is directly questioning Barack Obama's patriotism. No doubt about it. But when interviewers have directly asked McCain whether he's attacking Obama's love of the country or not, he feigns outrage - as if you are accusing him of the unthinkable. Because of his POW experience people give him a pass on this steaming pile of bullshit. Anyway, tonight throw one back every time he uses the phrase "Country First".

John McCain talks about "The surge": To mask the fact that he was a cheerleader of one of the biggest foreign policy disasters in our nations history, he's spent the better part of his campaign championing the "success" of the surge and his correct judgement in supporting it. Lobotomized journalists have even fallen for John McCain's butchering of the facts and asked Obama why he can't bring himself to admit that the surge worked. Expect the surge to be talked about with great emotion and pride by John McCain tonight, despite the fact that the Sunni Awakening and the Shiite government going after the militias well before the surge helped reduce the violence. Not to mention that the success of the surge hinged on a changing political landscape in Iraq, that hasn't happened. That being said, take one to the head every time John McCain mentions "The Surge" tonight.

John McCain uses the phrase "My friends" in a sentence: This is for hardcore alcoholics only.

Fareed Zakaria lets loose on Sarah Palin

Friday, September 19, 2008

Barack Obama and the Bruce Lee Counterpunch(

Posted on on 9/11/08

Last week, in a post that I wrote for entitled "My Unsolicited Advice to Camp Obama: Sarah Palin", I suggested what a lot of Obama supporters were saying at the time. That Barack Obama would be much better served keeping his eye on the ball and solely attacking John McCain. My fear then was that even the most innocent reference of the Governor of Alaska, no matter how fair and politically legitimate, would induce clumsy cries of sexism from the McCain campaign. Nonsensical charges that the no account media would shamelessly devour the same way they always digest politics devoid of anything closely resembling substance. Well, I was about half right. Now that I've had some time to think about it, I was absolutely wrong about Obama's need to ignore Palin. As long as the media sat there with their collective thumbs up their asses as Sarah Palin tried to unfairly define herself as a "Maverick"(She originally supported the "Bridge to Nowhere", collected $27 Million in earmarks for her 6,000 person town in Wasilla) - if Obama had truly ignored her, Palin would have successfully transformed herself into a Moose hunting version of Norma Rae and shit. Obama couldn't let that happen. But when it came to my assessment that the McCain campaign would characterize any criticism as "sexsim", whether it had to do with Sarah Palin or not, was pretty spot on.(Even though it didn't exactly require a crystal ball or your garden variety clairvoyant to see that one coming.) We witnessed a bit of that over the last couple of days by Team McCain when Barack Obama used the phrase " can't put lipstick on a pig" while referring to John McCain unbelievable attempt to recast himself as an agent of change - charges of "sexism" came both fast and furious. Like my colleague Jeff Chang so succinctly put it yesterday, "The Silly Season is In".

Listen, I'm pretty sure that Barack Obama receives so much Monday Morning Quarterbacking from folks like me and those of my ilk, that as soon as he hears the first syllable of the word "suggestion" he probably vomits inside his mouth just a little bit. But the other day, as I got completely baked while watching "Enter the Dragon" with a 40 something divorcee who lives down the street(don't ask), I was reminded of a common Bruce Lee characteristic that Obama should be exhibiting every time he is falsely accused of "sexism", or any other laughable charge for that matter. Have you ever noticed that Bruce Lee's most damaging punches are almost always when he was counter-striking? Using the other person's force against them, most of the time exposing their weaknesses. Wild right punches would be met with Bruce very cavalierly stepping to the side and smashing you in your snot box with a demoralizing left punch. Grabbing Bruce from behind without a particular game-plan to speak of would leave him the option of breaking some of his opponents ribs with some well placed elbows, even possibly backward headbutts or stomps to the instep to make his point that much clearer. I feel that Obama should implore the exact same strategy, pivot off of fundamentally baseless attacks, and effectively counterstrike with a substantively damaging arsenal.

For example:

1.Even though the legislation was not sponsored by Barack Obama, it never became law, and it was originally designed to warn children about sexual predators - McCain has a sleezy ad out saying that Obama wants to teach sex-ed to kindergarteners.

Suggested Bruce Lee Counter Punch: Have an ad blasting John McCain for lying, and at the end have the commentator ask "Why is John McCain siding with pedophiles?"

This whole lipstick on a pig business, or any other felonious attempt to cry sexism to mask Sarah Palin basically being Dan Quale with a ponytail..

Suggested Bruce Lee Counterpuch: A Campaign ad referencing John McCain's horrendous record when it comes to equal pay for women, the time he responded with "good question" after a woman who aked him "How are we going to beat the bitch?" referencing Hillary Clinton, the time he had said he was going to "beat Hillary like a drum", and the million other knuckle-dragging statements the Arizona Senator has uttered in his extremely lengthy lifetime.

3.Whenever John McCain, his campaign manager, or one his surrogates are asked about the nasty tone that the political campaigns have taken - more times than not they will blame Barack Obama for not accompanying John McCain in those phony joint townhalls he had proposed months ago. Suggesting that this political season would be a case study in civility if Obama had simply agreed to them. Is it me, or does this all have a creepy "I wouldn't have done it, if she wearing wearing such a tight skirt" rapist feel to it?

Suggested Bruce Lee Counterpuch: Go after Karl Rove. Despite the fact that he's been somewhat vague about his relationship with the McCain campaign, he is completely on board, do not get it twisted. Obama should directly target Karl Rove in campaign ads, flash images of what Karl Rove's handywork(getting Bush elected) has resulted in - Home forclosures, Abu Ghraib, Katrina, insert your favorite abomination. End the ad explaining that John McCain has chosen to hire the same rogues gallery of douchebags who smeared his family in 2000. Let americans come to their own conclusions on what that particularly says about John McCain's "character".

Thursday, September 04, 2008

My Unsolicited Advice to Camp Obama: Sarah Palin(Vibe)

*Posted on last night, before her Hitler Youth-esque speech*

After emerging from a four day drinking binge brought on by my 35th Birthday(August 31st), now having to deal with the fresh memories of tongue kissing strange women who I'd usually refuse innocuous hugs to, and other random acts of douchebaggery that will have me apologizing to my friends from now until Christmas time - I find that the main topic of conversation has shifted from Barack Obama's brilliant acceptance speech to John McCain's Vice Presidential Pick Sarah Palin. First of all, as an outside observer who has waited until right now to blog about the Alaska Governor, watching the unfavorable details of her life continuously drip out like a leaky faucet - it feels like I'm watching the 2008 version of "Married with Children". A ditsy wife(The Pledge of Allegiance hiccup, not knowing what a Vice president does) married to guy who has a penchant for throwing a "few back" every now and then(he had a DUI years ago), and a feisty daughter who undoubtedly likes to get her unadulterated fuck on. Real talk, if it turns out that one of her sons has a penchant for reciting malformed lyrics while referring to himself as "Grandmaster B", my fucking head is going to explode. I mean, Obama had it right yesterday when he emphatically said that family is off limits. As much as I want to win this election, I agree with Senator Obama, Bristol Palin's pregnancy is a family matter and shouldn't be meticulously picked over by the press the same way a vulture might pick over a rotting carcass. That being said, there will be no pity parties from me the likes of me though. Imagine for one moment that Obama was the one who had a pregnant teenage daughter. The same right wing bloviators who are crying crocodile tears when they aren't exhibiting other forms of histrionics over the media coverage of Bristol Palin, would openly question Obama's "Family values" and equate the unplanned pregnancy with his subpar parental abilities. Even dropping ads with the tag-line "If he can't properly lead his own daughter, how does he plan to lead the country?"

Another reason I'm not exactly the most sympathetic in terms of the media's watchful eye of the Palin's, is all the scrutiny Michelle Obama has received over the past year - and the nonexistent criticism thrown in Todd Palin's direction. Michelle Obama was called "unpatriotic" because of an inartful attempt to express her love for her country, and Todd Palin can be a card carrying member of AIP,(Alaska Independence Party)a radical group that advocates for Alaskan secession from the United States - and there isn't a fucking peep. Like I said, save the pity parties.

That being said, lets get the reason for the Palin pick and how to counter it. First off, forget about the steaming pile of spin coming from Camp McCain that they picked Sarah Palin because of her "intriguing story" and her appeal to working class voters. Their misguided and rushed choice was because they wanted to change the narrative off of Obama's brilliant acceptance speech, but more importantly, they made the deadly mistake of listening to too many of those inbred PUMA members and thought that they actually had a chance to woo the Hillary Clinton supporters who don't want to go back to a time when there were ritualistic cross burnings. Petulantly impulsive, like that girl you break up who proceeds to inform you a week later that she got her revenge on you by blowing 14 guys in a club parking lot - you're the one with, um, "egg" on your face! So now that it looks as though women aren't as hopelessly gullible as the McCain camp would have hoped, now they are going to try to make the argument that takes more sack than a Hall of Fame full of linebackers: That she has more experience than Obama. Even though her speech tonight will be a smashing success, based on the bar being as low as most midget limbo contests, Obama will still find himself residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. If he listens to my unsolicited advice that is.

"Cause people from a distance can't tell who is who": The whole Jay-Z quote from "The Takeover": "A wise man told me don't argue with fools, cause people from a distance can't tell who is who!" Barack Obama should simply ignore Sarah Palin, and for that matter the McCain camp as a whole, every time they make the Pilates reach of an argument that the Governor from Alaska has more experience than him. They need to keep their collective eyes on the ball, and continue to take every available opportunity to link John McCain to George Bush - because engaging in silly back and forth about Obama's experience as opposed to Palin's just gives relevance to their glass licking argument. No responses, no campaign commercials - let the surrogates, and responsible members of the media dismantle that flimsy claim.

"You are dead to me Fredo": How many times have we witnessed some wildly unpopular rapper desperately try to make a name for himself and diss an already established MC? I've always noticed that a non response is the most insulting, because it suggests that the new provocateur wasn't even worth their fucking time. Its not that Obama should disregard her in a condescending way, but a forceful counter-strike to any number of Pailn's future attacks could be turned around as they trying to bully a woman. Team Obama should either use female surrogates like Claire McCaskill, or possible Hillary Clinton(if she'd be on board) to brunt any attack - or either preface their rebuttal with what exactly Palin had stated.(So people would know that a response was warranted)

Debate: Biden vs Palin: The conventional wisdom is that Joe Biden will drink Sarah Palin's milkshake in a debate. It is also conventional wisdom that he could severely overplay his hand and appear condescending, thus winning her some sympathy points among millions of important American viewers.(Something that I feel won't happen since Biden had ample experience debating Hillary Clinton.) That being said, he does have to be careful. Let her trip herself up , and ever so often Biden should slip his impressive resume into the conversation: "Once, around the time I called Slobodan Milosevic a war criminal to his face...."

*Extra*: On MSNBC, Chuck Toddy, Mike Murphy, and Peggy Noonan criticize the Palin Pick while not knowing their mics were still hot.