Wednesday, October 01, 2008
The Debate Drinking Game(The McCain edition)- Vibe.com
(This was posted on Vibe hours before the debate, I personally think that you'd be quite fucked up if you played this drinking game)
Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm HumanityCritic and I'm an alcoholic. Granted, my alcoholism is not nearly as bad as it was eight years ago when my old man passed and my mother was diagnosed with cancer. Every single night throwing back the strongest liquor available as if I was Nick Cage's character in "Leaving Las Vegas", later waking up on some strange park bench, in some strange woman's bed, or on some miscellaneous bar floor after a stranger didn't particularly appreciate my dry wit and sarcasm. Even though I now only imbibe alcohol on the weekends, the words of an otherwise forgettable 7th grade health teacher haunt me every time I put a bottle to my soup-coolers: "If you find yourself drinking on schedule, constantly planning when you're going to indulge in the spirits - you're an alcoholic!" Boy, if Mr Chowns could see me now. I mean, its one thing to be an alcoholic when you're a wildly successful writer like Ernest Hemingway, people buying into that "tortured artist" bullshit as your bank account expands and you suddenly find yourself swimming in so many panties from women who openly reject PETA that you could open up your a chain of "Lane Bryant's". But nothing is sexy about a struggling alcoholic writer. I'm some person held a memory close to their heart concerning the time they heard one of Truman Capote's drunken boasts first hand until their dying day. I wonder how many Cubans told their closest family and friends about the time they got shitfaced with Ernest Hemingway half a century ago? There is no such allure attached to a guy who once threw up on a woman during sex, drunkenly admitted at a friends wedding that I slept with his mother when I was a teenager, or any other shenanigans for that matter - not when you're a struggling writer who blogs about people who are inferior based on their musical tastes and my penchant for alphabetizing my pornography collection.
I'm aware that graveyards are filled with the skeletons of people who were disingenuous when they were alive, claimed that they'd stop drinking years before their livers finally gave out, I know - but I truly plan on stopping after the New Year. I would stop sooner, but like billions of drunks that came before me, I wrestle with the fact that I intensely love something that is absolutely killing me at the same time. I mean, when I rolled that handicapped man into traffic after he said "Rakim sucks" - I would have never done something that heinus if I was sober. Last week, as I argued with some racist republican who claimed that blacks would riot in the streets if any harm ever came of Obama because "that's all you guys know!" - I commenced in punching him in the face 5 good times with sniper-like accuracy. See If I was sober I would have realized that assaulting him was simply proving his point, and would have probably stuck to breaking him down verbally. But what fun is that exactly? I never would have found the courage to battle a local MC at his own show and openly question the sanity of his 14 fans if stuck to drinking soda.
But for health reasons, and for the fact that I haven't had a clear view of my penis since Cross Color jeans were fashionable, I'm going to have to incorporate more asshole moments that aren't alcohol induced. That being said, I plan on finding new and innovative ways to get absolutely plastered between now and the end of the year - like a drinking game inspired by John McCain's verbal ticks in tonight's debate.
Take a shot of your favorite liquor every time..
John McCain brings up his POW experience: John McCain's time in a Hanoi Hilton should never be denigrated, and even people like me who are his staunchest critics have to admire his heroism during his time in captivity. That being said, not only do I reject the notion that somehow being a POW is a qualification to be president, but also the flimsy claim regurgitated by the press that John McCain is uneasy to use it for political gain. Bullshit, he uses it all the time - his campaign has uses it every time they don't have a sufficient enough comeback to an Obama campaign charge. When the Obama campaign pounded McCain about him not knowing how many houses he owned, the countered with "This is a guy who lived in one house for 5 and a half years, in prison!" Jesus Christ. Rudy Giuliani has 9/11, John McCain has his POW experience. Take a shot every time Mr. McCain brings up this sad chapter in his life.
John McCain utters the phrase "Country First": One thing that I wish Obama would point out is how John McCain "the soldier" is a hero while John McCain "the candidate" is a spineless coward. Whenever John McCain uses the term "Country First", it is directly questioning Barack Obama's patriotism. No doubt about it. But when interviewers have directly asked McCain whether he's attacking Obama's love of the country or not, he feigns outrage - as if you are accusing him of the unthinkable. Because of his POW experience people give him a pass on this steaming pile of bullshit. Anyway, tonight throw one back every time he uses the phrase "Country First".
John McCain talks about "The surge": To mask the fact that he was a cheerleader of one of the biggest foreign policy disasters in our nations history, he's spent the better part of his campaign championing the "success" of the surge and his correct judgement in supporting it. Lobotomized journalists have even fallen for John McCain's butchering of the facts and asked Obama why he can't bring himself to admit that the surge worked. Expect the surge to be talked about with great emotion and pride by John McCain tonight, despite the fact that the Sunni Awakening and the Shiite government going after the militias well before the surge helped reduce the violence. Not to mention that the success of the surge hinged on a changing political landscape in Iraq, that hasn't happened. That being said, take one to the head every time John McCain mentions "The Surge" tonight.
John McCain uses the phrase "My friends" in a sentence: This is for hardcore alcoholics only.