Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Men over 60 who could beat your motherfucking ass!!

I have come to the conclusion that getting old truly sucks. The reason I say this is because I was in a club a few weeks back and this gentlemen in his mid 60's was having a drink. He had got into it with a couple of guys that had to be 30 years his junior, they were truly giving the guy a hard time. Being the asshole I am I told the two guys that the gentleman was my father and if they kept talking shit that I would "break their heads open".(Even though the man was Jewish) As the two guys left the man said, "If I was 20 years younger I would have beaten their asses". It just made me realize that I want to be a tough son of a bitch when I get in my twilight years, similar to the men on this list.

Jim Brown(69): Here is a man that left football on top of his game and hasn't expressed any regrets yet. That is a bad man in my book. One of the first athletes to speak out concerning civil rights, make love to white women on the silver screen, and never gave a PC answer like so many black athletes do nowadays. Not only that, we all know that Jim Brown had a habit of throwing women off of balconies so its evident that the brother doesn't give a fuck. I was listening to a reporter who said that when you speak to Jim Brown that you have to chose your words carefully, because you never know if Brown will get in your ass or not. Want to get your ass beat by a Hall of Famer?? Ask him how he throws women like javelins, or say that Emmit Smith was a better running back. The downside is the internal bleeding part, the upside is that you caught a bad one from arguably the best football player ever.

Ike Turner(73): I know that Ike was a woman abuser and that is no laughing matter. Any man that puts his hands on a woman should be dealt with accordingly. That being said, I still think that Ike could whip your ass. When I watch him in interviews you can see him hanging on every word, just waiting for the interviewer to say some wrong shit. Not only that, the guy is a very talented musically, but is somewhat ignorant which increases the "crazy as fuck" factor significantly. Take my advice, if you see Ike just give a quick nod and get your ass out of there. If you bring up how "he is a bastard", and "the way he treated Tina was fucked up", don't come crying to the HumanityCritic when he puts a boot in your hind parts.

Clint Eastwood(74): "Dirty Harry", "The Outlaw Josie Wales", "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly", this guy has surely played a bad ass on screen. I Don't really know if he is a tough guy in real life, but word is that he doesn't take shit from anyone. Regardless, true life or fiction, you have to be a bad motherfucker to deliver the following cold blooded line: "I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya punk?" Geez, he isn't playing.

Chuck Norris(65): Besides having a corny as fuck T.V show(Walker Texas Ranger), and having a shitload of Karate Schools across America, I still feel that Chuck Norris is a guy that would have no trouble pummeling you in front of your girl. He is 65 and his reflexes are a bit slower, but this guy was a karate champion for years. Not only that, he is the only guy that gave Bruce Lee a legitimate test.(albeit in a movie) Testing him probably wouldn't be a wise move on your part. If you don't want a ass whipping don't say the following: "Hey Chuck, Walker Texas Ranger sucked ass!! Plus, your ass had a stunt double! Not just for the difficult stunts, you use a stunt man to make simple kicks and shit! What kind of kung fu expert are you??" Say those words and you might be eating your meals out of a straw for a few weeks. Respect your elders!

Richard Roundtree(64): I don't care how old he gets, I find it hard to believe that anyone could beat "Shaft's" ass. People look down on Blaxploitation flicks, but when "Shaft" came out it was refreshing to many people because there were hardly any black hero's on the silver screen. In those flicks he beat ass, womanized, and talked shit to "the man". I'm not really sure how Mr. Roundtree is in his personal life, for all I know he could live a Gandhi-like lifestyle. But I'm sorry, I still think that if you get on this guys bad side he would whip your ass while singing the "Shaft" theme song.

"Who is the man/

That would break the neck of his brother man?


Can ya dig it?"

Sean Connery(74): A man who I think is the best James Bond ever, he is definitely old school. Besides being a grave digger and joining the British Navy at the age of 16, he also took dancing lessons for 11 years.(now thats tough) He was once taking martial arts lessons for a movie and angered the instructor so much that the instructor broke his wrist(The instructor was Steven Seagal) He worked with that broken wrist for years thinking it was a minor injury. He has been involved in altercations on the sets of his movies and in public as recently as a couple of years ago.(Ladies will love this) In a interview with Barbara Walters some years back he said it was "OK to give a woman a slap". You want to be on the business end of a "Connery beating", just remind him that he turned down the role of "Gandalf" in the Lord of the Rings movies. Good luck!

Burt Reynolds(69): I don't know what it is but I just feel that Burt Reynolds could whip your ass, that simple. Most people my age primarily know him for the Smokey and Bandit flicks, the Cannonball Run movies, or those younger than myself you might know him as "Jack Horner" in Boogie Nights. This guy is a legitimate bad-ass though, legendary bar brawls and manhandling directors has earned this gentleman quite the reputation. Even in the twilight of his life he is still getting into physical altercations with motorists, or any other garden variety jackass that crosses his path.

(Want to download a podcast of this post? It's an excellent way to listen to it whenever you wanted to. Go here and check it out)

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Mommy Dearest

I have spent a great amount of time talking about my father, dissecting every aspect of our relationship and how that has turned me into the man that I am today. Reading over those posts I feel that possibly I am a bit too harsh on the guy, he had the ability to be a wonderful man. But then when I curse somebody out I realize that I am an asshole, and his constant ridicule has made me a pretty defensive man. I definitely have issues that need to be worked out. My mom on the other hand is definitely a gift from god, the only person that stood behind me when others refused. She is a genuine piece of work, as you will find out in a few moments. She's the only person that I would gladly give my life for, no doubt about that. Here are some examples of why I love my mother so much.

Queer Eye for the Black guy: My mother is the only person that didn't know my cousin Sean was gay. As if the playing with dolls and his pound puppy obsession as a kid wasn't a dead giveaway. When Sean came out of the closet and visited Virginia, my mom had a chance to be around Sean. Soon after I talked to her and she said the following: "Oh yeah, that boy is gay. He is gayer than Leroy from Fame" What the Fuck?

Calling me Out: My mother had learned that I had beat the shit out of the son of one of her friends. When she asked me what happened we were walking through a mall. I told her that he was getting mouthy and he had to learn a lesson. She asked me "you couldn't just ignore him and walk away?" I guess my response wasn't good enough because she gently grabbed random shoppers and said, "Hi! My son's an Asshole!"

Cursing like a Sailor: Like my father, my mother also has mastered the wonderful art of the expletive. In short, she curses like a longshoreman. That's probably why curse words come out of my mouth so freely, from years of my parents finding different ways to incorporate the word "fuck" in a conversation. The other day my mother and I were talking about Bush and at the end of the conversation she said, "that guy's a fucking asshole". My sentiments exactly. See, cursing can be used for good and not evil.

Grandma's Funeral: I Remember being at my grandmother's funeral and we were all hysterical. Me, my cousins, everyone I recall were balling their eyes out. I turned to my mother and she hadn't shed a tear, she is looking off in the distance as she smoked a cigarette. Here we are burying her mother and she is the epitome of strength, knowing that she has to hold the family down. Of course nothing is wrong with crying, and I'm sure she shed tears when she was alone, but the image is still burned in my memory forever of her looking like the strong black woman she is.

In the face of Loss: I was with her the exact moment my father died. I stated before that I hadn't visited my father as much as I should have at the end because I was trying to avoid any "You Ain't shit" death bed rants. I decided to visit him on that fateful day, and soon after I arrived he passed away. I remember walking with my mother to a waiting room in the hospital as I hugged her, her head resting ever so gently on my chest. Even losing her husband it seemed that she was consoling me, not the other way around. She kept saying, "Goddamn you Jim! God Damn you!!" I never asked her what she meant about that, but I think it had something to do with my father not taking proper care of himself. Or maybe she was expressing anger at him for leaving her. She told me to go home and that she would be alright. As I left her, and her 5'2 frame get further and further away I realize that my mother is stronger than I will ever be.

Chemo and Conversations: When my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer I took her to her doctor appointments, which were like everyday. She has this life threatening disease and she was so upbeat, damn near defiant. The Chemo, the surgeries, she always maintained a sense of humor and undeniable strength. Me and my mother have a great relationship, but hanging with her every day I learned a great deal more. The conversations we would have during the long drives to Portsmouth general Hospital included Politics, Music, and in her words "a time when my son will be less of an bastard". Love ya mom.

Knowledge and Wisdom
Amen Sister: I was in the hospital one day that I just knew my dad was going to die. I call my then girlfriend and tell her that she should come to the hospital immediately. Her stinking ass gave me every excuse why she couldn't make it, talk about support. My mother, hearing the phone discussion said the following: "Critic, if her ass lacks the compassion to visit her boyfriend's dying father then you don't need to be with her ass". Amen

Silenced by a Giggle: My mother has unfortunately been witness to my temper against others. My cousin and I had got into it to the point that we were almost at blows. It was a while ago but I was still old enough to know better. I grabbed him by the throat and said some dumb shit like "Motherfucker, I will paralyze you". My mother, who just heard what I said giggled. By simply giggling she left me powerless. Powerless because she was showing me what kind of prick I was being. Mother's have that Jedi-like power sometimes.

Back in the Day: My mother has a wonderful talent for telling stories, especially about musicians she met back in her day. See, her uncle(my great uncle) was a trumpet player in Count Basie's band. He was a respected musician, and my mother would tell me stories of meeting Count Basie and various stars of the 50's and 60's that would see them play. She should write a book, I swear. (Sidenote: In the "Autobiography of Malcolm X", Malcolm talks about the years that he was a hustler and the jazz musicians that he would sell weed to. He actually names my great uncle as one of those musicians. His name was Joe Newman. )

But seriously, my mother is everything to me and I just hope she knows how much I love her. She was the only person that defended me when my father released his verbal onslaught upon me. I sincerely think that her love and compassion is the only reason that I'm not a complete psychopath, smacking the shit out of random black republicans.(I only smack the shit out of black republicans when provoked.) I am so glad that I have her as a mother.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

First Things First

The other day I ran into Nikki, she is the first girl that I kissed. She was shopping in the grocery store and we reminisced about old times and the childhood mischief that we went through. Our lives are rather different these days, I am unmarried and a bona fide asshole. She is married and has 6 kids.(I mistakenly said that she didn't have a few kids, she had a litter. Somehow she didn't find that amusing) But thinking about our kiss made me think about other "firsts" in my life.

First Kiss: Being a Navy Brat and living in Navy housing at one point in my life I was surrounded by kids of all types. I quickly became best friends with a kid named Kevin and through our friendship I learned things that a 8-10 year old shouldn't be learning.(i.e watching their parents smoke weed, watching his father and his friends beat a man within a inch of his life, hear loud moaning sounds from the mother's bedroom from having sex with a man that was not Kevin's father) If my parents knew what I was being subjected to they would of went batshit. Besides all of that, Kevin had a sister named Nikki. We were the same age, she was cute, but I never paid her any attention. Until it was revealed to me that Nikki had a crush on me. Everyone kept telling me that I should kiss her but I was scared shitless because I had never kissed a girl before. So one evening, tired of all the pressure and adolescent ridicule, I take Nikki to the side of her house. Heart racing, hand shaking, and lips quivering I touch Nikki's face like I had seen in a million movies and I gently kiss her. I still remember my boys applauding like I had scored a touchdown or some shit.

First Fight: I was 7 years old and for a few months I was being bullied by this guy named Tyrone. Tyrone was about 13, and you just knew that this motherfucker was destined for the penitentiary. The bullying was tame at first, but one day he smacked me around to the point that I was crying uncontrollably. I went to my house and my dad was standing in the doorway and asked, "Why in the fuck are you crying?" Sobbing, I told him that Tyrone had just slapped me. He said, "You aren't getting in this house until you fight back".I tried to get in the house anyway but he had locked the door, I dropped to my knees begging him to open it but he ignored me. When I realized that I had to fight him I went back, mainly to receive an ass whipping. As I approached Tyrone he called me a sissy and pushed me down. In a classic "fight or flight" moment, knowing that my dad was watching and me wanting the whole ordeal to be over, I picked up a brick that was in someones yard and threw it at Tyrone with all my might. Luckily it landed right between his eyes, and he was screaming for what seemed for an eternity. I hear my father scream, "Now kick that motherfucker" and I did. I love my father(R.I.P), and his lesson made me tougher, but that memory is definitely a uncomfortable one.

First time I had Sex: I have always been a notorious shit talker, even when I was young. Everybody thought that I wasn't a virgin from all the made up sex stories I always told people. But the truth is, in Junior High, I was a Big old virgin. No doubt about that. I had seen girls naked, touched breasts, seen other private parts, but I never experienced the ultimate prize. Anyway, there was a girl in my math class named Joann. I wasn't the most popular guy in school but Joann was a bona fide nerd, a band geek as some like to say. The funny thing about her, like the character in American Pie, she actually told me "band-camp" stories. Suddenly Joann began to flirt with me, telling me how cute I was, and saying that she would like to see my house one day. Boy was I scared, because I knew that she was talking about "bumping ugly's"! After a while I took her up on her offer and invited her to my house after school. We arrived at my house and quickly went to my bedroom. I took one of my brother's condoms and started with the four-play. I knew that I would have problems finding the "designated area" so I told her my back was hurting and that she should "ride me". As soon as she got on I liked what I was feeling. I probably liked it too much because a couple minutes later I was "done". Joann was cool about it and she promptly left. Then I noticed that some girls in my school started calling me "speedy". Since I ran track I thought the nickname was a compliment. I didn't learn until later that it wasn't complimentary at all.

First time I got High: As a kid I was so anti-drug that Nancy Reagan could have had my black ass in a commercial or something. Every opportunity that I had to get high I strongly refused. It got to the point that friends of mine stopped asking, and their friends who didn't know me knew ahead of time not to ask. That all changed one hot spring day. I was cool with this girl name Rhonda, we would go to her house after school and raid the fridge, watch videos, and get into all sorts of mischief. One day her mother comes from upstairs with a vanilla envelope and said three words that will stick with me forever, "Wanna get high?". She reached into that envelope and pulled out a lime green marijuana bud straight from a Cheech and Chong movie. She starts rolling the weed in rolling papers and my heart is racing because i know that I am about to smoke what some call "The Chronic". The mere fact that I was about to smoke with someone's mom made me feel like I was in a John Hughes movie. I kept expecting to see Molly Ringwald or Anthony Michael Hall appear and smoke with us. I started smoking and I got high as a kite, so high in fact that I told Rhonda's mom the following: "Mrs. Jones, I always wanted to tell you that you had some beautiful titties". Geez, what a jackass. I still feel to this day that if my mother knew half of the shit that adults subjected me to that she would be looking to beat someones ass.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Another Douchebag moment in History: George W. Bush

In the September 1999 issue of Talk Magazine Tucker Carlson(Conservative) was interviewing then Governor Bush and they were discussing Death Row inmate Karla Faye Tucker. During their interview Bush went into the following rant. "I watched his(Larry King) interview with [Tucker], though. He asked her real difficult questions, like 'What would you say to Governor Bush?' 'What was her answer?' I wonder.

'Please,Please,' Bush whimpers, his lips pursed in mock desperation, 'don't kill me.'

Makes you proud to have a president that shows so much class and decorum.

That was another Douchebag moment in History..

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Hey You!! Put that Microphone Down!(A handful of the wackest MC's)

Besides girls who suddenly find religion and become celibate, republican stalkers who are swinging from the jockstrap and get the bitchslap(thanks for the love everyone) and a incompetent president who makes the U.S look stupid, there is nothing more pathetic than the Wack MC. He has been around since Hip Hop began and will be around until the end of time. I pointed out a few obvious ones, but if some others come to mind please add your input.

Vanilla Ice: Vanilla Ice is definitely tagged with the "wackest of all time" title but I think people overreact a bit. Yes the man was absolute garbage and he should of never picked up a microphone apparatus, but when you look at acts like Lil' John and the Ying Yang twins it makes vanilla Ice look somewhat lyrical. The funniest thing about this particular artist is that I know people who were big fans of his when he first came out and now when I bring it up they change the topic faster than a republican when Bush's national guard service is brought up. The wackest part of this unworthy microphone holder is that his biggest hit, "Ice Ice Baby", was most likely written by a ghostwriter.

Gerardo: Even though the song "Rico Suave" was his only hit, it is so incredibly cheesy that he had to be added to the list. There isn't much I can say about this artist that hasn't been said from Hip Hop critics world wide. Your honor, I present exhibit A.

Well, it's ten o'clock and I'm two hours late
I never said I was a prompt date
But you kept persisting that I meet your parents
Hah, they're going to love my appearance!

I think you see my point.

Freedom Williams: Back in the 90's you have what I call a "just add water" rapper. A R&B artist would have a song, so since they wanted some rap in their song they didn't hire a legitimate artist, just anybody who could rhyme words. Obviously you could easily point out one of these individuals by their lack of rhyming skills. C&C Music factory had one of these rappers in their group, and he went by the name of Freedom Williams. With his slicked back hair and his corny rhyme flow, he abused listeners with a grade school lyrics that truly hurt the ears. The other day I was driving and heard the forgettable "Things that make you go hmm" and I decided to add him to my list. Sounds of wackness.

Benzino: Full disclosure. I hate this motherfucker. The same way you hate the drug dealer who moves in your upscale neighborhood and starts dealing, the same way you hate the priest in your town that was found to be touching kids, the same way you hate our jackass president and the idiotic minions that follow him. I know, that's a lot of hate. Besides being a horrible lyricist, whether it be with his group "made Men" or his solo work, he is also co-owner of The Source magazine. I am in no way a Eminem apologist, but when Benzino had beef with the Detroit rapper he turned the magazine into a propaganda piece against Eminem. I thought the magazine was supposed to be objective? Shit, the magazine was crap before his beef with Eminem, who am I kidding. From his idiotic ramblings or his tough guy posturing, this guy needs to get his ass kicked in the worst way. He had the nerve to say, "I'm the greatest thing since Pac's been alive!" Negro Please.

Snap: I know it seems that I am picking on one hit wonders, but the poor quality of this artist is clearly evident. Even though I have uttered the words "I will attack and you don't want that" after throat chopping some douchebag I had a conflict with, that doesn't excuse the wackness of the song. Beside the fact that the lyrics were sub-par and the video was garbage, the guy rapping looked and sounded like a ugly version of Ving Rhames.(thats saying alot) There was a better version of this song performed by a MC named Chill Rob G, but I still don't understand what the deal was with them sharing the same beat.

Kobe/Shaq: What can i say about the rapping careers of these two that hasn't already been said. Shaq was definitely better than Kobe in the skills department, and he was pretty successful record sales wise. But his "Cat in the Hat" rhyme style took me back to the days of finger paints and mid afternoon naps. Kobe was just pitiful, sounding like a person who just learned English who suddenly decided that they wanted to be a rapper. A friend of mine let me listen to a sample of Kobe's album a few years ago, and when I heard it I was shocked on how wack a human being could be. I feel that 5 minutes of my life was wasted and I can never get them back. Kobe, you owe me motherfucker!!

Marky Mark: Mark Wahlberg has become somewhat respected when it comes to his acting career. But his rapping career is a totally different story. There is a dark cloud that follows Mr. Wahlberg, and that dark cloud is the Funky Bunch. I have to admit that I find joy in some aspects of his music. Ex: When making love I like to quote the song "Good Vibration" by saying to my lover, 'Come on-Come on, Feel it Feel it!!". There is always a horrified look on my lovers face when I blurt that out but it always makes me chuckle. Looking back on some of his videos it makes you cringe because A)The music is horseshit B)The guy had his shirt off more than LL Cool J C)The rhymes were elementary and D)He always had his crew consist of "tough guys" to make him look tougher. His brother Donnie has the right attitude, when asked about New Kids on the Block he is open and always says "We sucked ass". Mark should follow his lead, because every time someone mentions his musical career there is a unmistakable uneasiness on his face. Lighten up Marky!

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Journalistic Wanted Poster(boring Sunday post)

I have posted some of this before. All this talk about Dan Rather really had me thinking. Thinking about what kind of hypocrites Republicans are. You have a man, Rather, who had venom spewed in his direction about some questionable documents.(that were true no less and hasn't been proved to be forgeries) The Right has this "fake outrage" thing going on. Some examples of that include: Sandy Berger "supposedly" sneaking documents in his socks(turned out to be horseshit), John Kerry "outing" Dick Cheney's daughter during the debates(she has been "out" for years), and the Rather story are prime examples of "fake outrage" by low grade republicans.

But seriously, they have to be consistent when it comes to journalistic credibility. Right? I mean, if you are strong in your convictions about Rather's misdeeds as a journalist then you have to feel the same way when someone does something twice as bad. To think otherwise would make you a hypocrite, and founding member of the "fake outrage" club.

FOX news is in violation of many incidents far worse than anything Dan Rather could of done. Below are some examples of a Fox News Anchor, Fox News reporter, Fox Host, and all around douchebag Robert Novak. If the same people who criticize Rather can't see any fault in the following examples, then their argument is nothing but "fake outrage". Not to mention, Fox News as a whole is a scam and the people their couldn't hold Dan Rather's journalistic jockstrap. If you see any of these men do not apprehend them, their lack of journalistic credibility will catch up with them. Hopefully.

Brit Hume:
*Mischaracterized a Franklin Delano Roosevelt quote by splicing together portions of the ex-presidents words to wrongly show that Roosevelt was for the privatization of Social Security
*Called John Kerry's concession speech "a load of crap"
*Continuosly touted the claims of the anti_Kerry documentary "Stolen Honor" even though it was found to have "prominent factual errors."
* Hume cited ambiguous stats to support claim that AIDS sufferers "bring it on themselves"
*Hume defended Cheney with lie about Kerry weapons-system cuts
*Hume falsely claimed Bush fulfilled Guard service
*Hume claimed: "Hastert never said Soros was receiving funds from drug cartels" but he did indeed say just that.

Carl Cameron
*Carl Cameron: Kerry quotes poet who "praised communism". A line Senator John Kerry frequently used on the campaign trial was written by award-winning Harlem Renaissance poet Langston Hughes, who, Cameron claimed, "often" attacked religion and God and made pro-communism remarks. Notably, President George W. Bush praised Hughes as one of the writers "that inspire us" in a proclamation celebrating Black History Month in February 2001.
*Cameron doctored a Kerry quotation to cast him as flip-flopper
*Carl misstated the facts about Kerry rallies. He falsely claimed that people who wish to attend Kerry-Edwards campaign rallies "have to go pick them [tickets] up from Democratic pick-up spots" which was totally false.
*Cameron forwarded the lie that Bush never said "mission accomplished" when he did.
*Carl Cameron tried to spin Kerry speech, falsely claimed Kerry called Bush a "warmonger". At no point did Kerry call Bush a "warmonger," nor did he "basically" say that Bush "wants a perpetual state of war around the world."
*Cameron put out a fake news story about John Kerry getting manicures. Fox later retracted the story.

Sean Hannity:
*Hannity has referred to Jeff Gannon as "a terrific Washington bureau chief and White House correspondent for Talon News..even though it turned out the Gannon had no journalistic credibility and was a gay male escort.
*Hannity falsely claimed that everyone got the same amount from Bush's tax cuts
*Hannity denied unprecedented increase in minority appointments under Clinton.
*Hannity falsely claimed that "Al Gore brought Willie Horton to the American people" which was ridiculous because the ad was produced by Larry McCarthy, a former employee of then-Bush campaign media consultant and current FOX News Channel President Roger Ailes.

Robert Novak
*Novak falsely claimed that during an appearance at Cornell University, Dean said that Social Security is "going to lose about 80 percent of the benefits" over time. Knowing
*On the February 21 edition of CNN's Crossfire, Novak announced: "USA Next has hired the same consultant who mobilized the brilliantly effective and honest Swift Boat Veterans for Truth ads." even though official Navy records and other evidence refute the discredited group's accusations, and the Navy's chief investigator concluded that all of the decorations Kerry received for his service in Vietnam were "properly approved."
* Novak Continously touts the SwiftBoat book despite disclosing his conflict of interest. His son, Alex Novak, is director of marketing for its publisher, Regnery Publishing, Inc. In addition, Robert Novak is a trustee of The Phillips Foundation, along with Thomas L. Phillips and Alfred S. Regnery. Phillips is chairman of Eagle Publishing, Inc., of which Regnery is a subsidiary. Alfred Regnery is a director of Eagle Publishing and, according to Eagle's website, is "president of Regnery Publishing, Inc." Eagle publishes the Evans-Novak Political Report, which Novak edits.
*Novak called Texas Dems "scumbags"
*Released the name of a CIA operative

"Rathergate"? Are you shitting me?

Friday, March 18, 2005

Psychopathic Girlfriend 101

It has come to my attention while scanning my blog that a lot of my recent writings have been about looking into myself and my insecurities, faults, and overall mistakes. I must admit that it has been cathartic, sharing my personal faux paus with you good people out there in the blogisphere. But todays post isn't about self analyzing, just good old fashion blame. That's right, Blame. I have admitted that I have been distant, a prick, a conniving asshole, and all around lecherous son of a bitch when it came to my relationships with the opposite sex. But believe it or not, not all my relationship woes were my fault. Hard to believe? Check this out.

Boy Toy: Her name was Sofia, and she was the pure essence of beauty and elegance. She looked like Dorothy Dandridge, with cleavage like the Holland tunnel. I met her through a mutual friend, and even though she was 20 years my elder we connected immediately. It didn't hurt that Sofia was filthy rich and didn't mind spending countless amounts of money on me. I'm not ghetto, I was raised in a middle class community and the only time I have been to a project is when I was picking up some unaware bastard's daughter to touch in a inappropriate manner...But, Sophia took me places that were of the highest quality. Fine Dining, clothes, dancing, for a college kid I was in heaven. What they say about women over 40 being at their prime is true, and since a man's prime is around 18 you can guess that the sex between us was damn near criminal. I had the time of my life until I noticed something rather strange. For one thing she started demanding that I be somewhere at a certain time and that I "better not" be late. Very demanding, I almost felt like I was being talked to like a disobedient pet. Then in public, she tried to talk to me like a child, which was embarrassing for the both of us because of the verbal venom that I can spew. To add insult to injury she didn't really listen to me when I talked. You know the way a busy parent addresses a child when the kid is asking them a plethora of questions?? "Uh huh..OK, yeah" OK, blame my late realization on the fact that I was 20 at the time, but a epiphany hit me like a sack of bricks. "I'm her fucking boy toy!!! After that realization I can kind of sympathize with women who feel objectified and wanted only for what they can do in the bedroom. Some guys might like the idea of being used for simply sex, but when you realize that your mind is irrelevant and you are only good for intercourse it can be rather demeaning. She had as much emotional attachment to me as a average woman has to her Dildo. Shortly after I came to my senses I cut it off with her, telling her that I am "No ones bitch". She looked amazed and classically said the following, "But what about all the money I have invested in you? What will you do without me? Oh well, you can be replaced." I smiled, placed her keys on the table and said, "you take care of yourself Sophia" and walked out of her overpriced apartment.

Simone: I met this Caribbean delight at a get together a college friend was having one summer night. She was gorgeous, brilliant, an ass that you can put a drink on, besides I am a sucker for accents. We hit it off and we were a couple almost immediately. We had a beautiful time, and like a person who takes their first hit of cooked cocaine I knew I was hooked. Slowly, as time went on, the fact that she was crazy as catshit began to show itself. From overwhelming jealousy, fits of rage, and when she got drunk she used to say crazy shit like "What would you do if I stabbed you right now". I used to reply, "Probably bleed you silly bitch!" It got downright scary, especially when I opened my eyes from a long sleep and she was standing over me with a menacing look on her face. It didn't help matters that my old man told me something about some Caribbean women putting period blood in food to control their man.(If I am wrong about this, please check me on it) Lets just say the only thing I ate at her house was popcorn, potato chips, anything that came in a sealed bag. When I did try to break it off with her it was ugly, she had actually said she was going to get a gun and "kill my Yankee ass". I have to be honest, even though I have never hit a woman, I have never came so close to beating a chicks ass during my lifetime. In my pathetic male mind I wanted to think that the way that I "put it on her" caused her to act in such a way, but I suspect that she has been nuttier than squirrel shit her entire life.

Mary: Again with the accents, but this is the British variety. This UK import and I had met at a bar in Downtown Norfolk. We discussed politics of the day, her Nigerian parents, Hip Hop, American women vs. English women, and other topics that are blocked out of my mind due to excessive alcohol and me staring at her thighs all night. We have a good time and we exchange numbers, that was that. About a week later I give her a call and we plan to spend the day together. We had a good time, shortly after that we began dating. She was sharp, and I swear she was the first woman that I have ever known that knows something about every topic you can imagine. From mechanics, music, the Final Four, Jim Brown's stats, comic books, fashion, obscure Hip hop..truly amazing. But like Sophia and Simone the cracks in Mary's armor began to show. Let me explain: She always used the term "taking a piss". Like if I was being sarcastic with her, or joking around, she would ask, "Are you taking a piss". That was her lingo. OK, we are sitting in bed and she turns to me and asks me, "You wanna take a piss on me?" So I reply, "Why would I want to joke you??" She said, "No, you don't understand. Do you want to URINATE on me??" "Urinate on you??", I said. She went on to say that she has a piss fetish and every boyfriend that she has had has done that to her. I don't get disgusted yet because I just knew that she is kidding, but after waiting for the punchline she says the following, "I also like for guys to take a shit on me also. Come on love, you will like it!" Suddenly my mind flashes back to when I licked every inch of her body, then I have visions of all the guys that shit on her and I get extremely nauseous. I run out of her apartment only wearing my boxers in 35 degree weather, vomiting my guts out. As I am hunched over, and the bile is dripping from my lips I turn my head and scream towards her second floor window and say "You nasty bitch!!" I wish I tried to understand her fetish and not judge her for it, but I simply couldn't get that shit out of my mind. To top it all off she had the nerve to tell me the following, "I though you Yanks were supposed to be so adventurous." I told her, "If we are talking about white water rafting, fucking in a public bathroom, or gambling 3 thousand dollars in Vegas then yeah, I'm up for the adventure. But eating someone feces is jut downright nasty."

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Like Father Like Son

When a person is going through the trials and tribulations of growing up they always say that they will never be like their parents. Even if someone's parents were fundamentally good people, there is a desire to separate yourself from the individuals that raised you. I am no different. I have mixed feelings on my father. Even though I found him amazing by being able to fix anything, becoming a Master Chief in the Navy, becoming a engineer that taught classes, all on a 6th grade education. The mere fact that he was self taught still blows my mind. Then there is the side of him when he would tell me that I wasn't shit and that I would never amount to anything. I acknowledge that there are things that are hard for me to look past.

I woke up the other morning, washed my face, and when I looked in the mirror I said to myself "I have become my father". Not totally, but there are some similarities that are hard to miss:

My Father was notoriously late: This is hard to admit but I am known for my late arrivals. Granted, if a check is involved my black ass is there early, but other than that people find themselves waiting on me. I know it isn't sexy. It's not that I am late on purpose, with some master plot to piss people off. The problem is I always miscalculate the time allotted to get somewhere, if my destination is 15 miles away and I have 5 minutes to get there I think I can make it. It's so bad at this point that my friends tell me to get somewhere super early, fooling me to be there on time.

My Father wasn't big on religion: OK, even though I hate Ghetto Gospel plays and think that most preachers are despicable bastards because their support for Bush this past election, I believe in God. I grew up Catholic, and most of my biblical knowledge came from my time in Catholic school. My problem with religion is that a lot of people become fanatical, damn near cult-like, and they allow their faith to alter ever opinion they ever had.

My Father said whatever he felt: OK, most of you guys who read this blog know this to be true, but it's sort of different. I tend to think that I use my powers for good and not evil. If you are a dear friend or a family member I try not to hurt your feelings and I am considerate with my outspoken nature. But if you are a black republican, or some garden variety jackass then I have no problem spewing venom in their direction. Fuck em'.

My father had a pretty bad temper: I actually think my temper is worse than his was, which legitimately scares me. The good part is that people I truly care about have never and will never see that side of me but knowing that rage is inside me is a bit unsettling.

My Father had a hatred for current music: I used to get so irritated when my father would criticize hip hop because I felt that he didn't know what he was talking about. But I realized early that good music is good music. When I was helping him one summer at his car shop, I had put in a mix tape with Rakim, EPMD, Big Daddy Kane, etc. He turned to me and said, "That stuff is pretty good. That hip hop I like!" My jaw hit the ground when I heard that. Now that I am a grizzled old man of 31, I totally detest 95%of what is played on the radio. When I reminisce about the "times when hip hop was pure" I start feeling like my father.

My Father could talk about Pu**y(slang for female genitalia) all day: Even though I have tried to come clean on my blog and express all of me, the one part of me that I have just showed a piece of is my nastiness. I have wrote about some pretty nasty topics, but I have tried hard not to be totally crass. But the truth is I have the mind of a nasty old man. Not as bad as my father though, he would have sex stories and anecdotes that would make me blush.

My Father was judgmental: Here is another thing that I would like to alter as I get older. Here is the deal: If I'm talking to you and during our conversation you say some seriously stupid shit, the rest of the time you sound like Charlie Browns teacher to me.(Whah-whah-whah..) I need to be patient with people and give them more of a chance.

My Father had a handful of friends: I am exactly the same way. I have about 5 good friends, the rest are in the category of "motherfuckers that I just know". The weird part is most of those people consider me their friend but I just consider them my acquaintance. My definition of friend is: A person that you can call 3 in the morning, tell them that you have a dead hooker in your hotel room, and they ask you if they should bring a shovel. That is a friend.

Hopefully I will be different in the way I treat my child, when and if I ever have one. I really don't want to repeat the history of verbal abuse that I was a victim of, but maybe since I am aware of it I can stop the cycle in its tracks.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Barbershop..Nothing like the movie

A few days ago, when I had ran out of perverse activities to partake in, I sat and watched the movie "Barbershop" when it came on cable. Of course I have seen the movie before but this particular viewing was important because I realized how different my "Barbershop" was. In the movie version they try to show you how honest and frank discussion happens in most barbershops, and I'm sure that is the case in many barbershops that you all go to. Not at my Barbershop, I have heard some of the most ignorant and asinine conversations ever uttered by man. After going to this particular barbershop after a year I had to start wearing headphones to mask the incoherent ramblings that were going on around me. But I quickly learned that idiocy can penetrate any Walkman, my last defense was to stage a aggressive dialogue. People there hate me because I lack the ability to close my mouthpiece when I hear someone say some dumb shit. Here are a few examples.

"George W. Bush is the best president ever!"- This gem came from my barber, so I really had to struggle with this one. I know you don't want to fuck with a man that is shaping up your beard, but I couldn't resist. I asked him why he thought Bush was the "best president ever" and he said something about him "having character" and him being "resolute". The following rant is probably the reason why I have been getting sub-par beard trims of late. "Jamal, did you recently get a position with FOX news and you didn't tell me?? Bush is a bastard, being "resolute" doesn't mean shit if your ignorant ass is always wrong. "Character"? The man reminds me of Milli Vanilli, only this time Dick Cheney is really singing the songs and his piss poor record is the equivalent to a record skip. Don't come at me with that shit." Jamal gave me a slight grin. Not a "HumanityCritic sure is a character" grin, but a "Motherfucker who are you talking to "grin. Oh well.

"Lil Wayne is better than Rakim"- Believe it or not someone actually said this. I was actually on my way out of the door, drinking a soda, when I spit it out when I heard this nonsense. I didn't know the guy who said it but I had to say something. "What in the fuck are you talking about? Lil' Wayne? That jackass is horrible, and you are old enough to know better. Man, I would of been less surprised if you said that you ate your own fecal matter, at least that wouldn't have been as stupid. That is just retarded.(I quickly put my hand on his shoulder and say) Are you actually mentally handicapped? If you are, excuse me for the "retarded" line. Rakim is the greatest artist to ever touch a microphone, Lil Wayne shouldn't be in the same discussion. Are you shitting me!??" I guess I struck a nerve because dude was highly upset, quoting Lil' Wayne verses. When he was finished I said, "That's exhibit A your honor, proof of the wackness. I rest my case!" My barber told me that I better leave because apparently the guy that I was arguing with carried a gun, even more evidence of his vaginal nature and poor decision making. I obliged and left.

"SoulPlane is the best movie to come out this year"- This was the equivalent to fingernails scraping against a chalkboard to a movie lover like myself. That quote was uttered by the owner, a woman named Patty who owns the Beauty Shop next door. I talked to her a few times before so I knew her style. Ghetto gospel plays, horrible movie selections, every song she likes is about some "baby's momma", you get the picture. Not only that, she acts like she went to the Monique school of Drama(The Parkers) so I knew the following rant wouldn't earn me any love: "Soulplane? That was a two hour minstrel show, and I totally question the mental stability of anyone who liked said flick. That movie was so ghetto, I wouldn't be surprised if they handed out chicken and Kool Aid at the theaters. If there was a movie to set black folks back one hundred years, Soulplane is it. Tom Arnold, Snoop Dogg, Monique, ingredients that add up to box office poison." She rolled her eyes and gave me a hand wave, but ever since then she gives me a evil look when I enter her establishment.

"I'm dating your ex, what do you think about that?"- It was a beautiful summer afternoon when I was getting my beard trimmed up. I felt no hostility that day, I was at peace with myself. This guy walks in and looks at me like he knows me, but I didn't know who he was. He starts talking loudly about his girlfriend, and as he is talking I realize that he is talking about my ex. OK, he knows who I am and he is trying to get a rise out of me, I'll ignore him. After about 10 minutes of him talking about his "girlfriend" he says the following, directly to me this time: "I'm dating your ex, what do you think about that?" I arose from the barber-chair, paid my money, and said the following: "So you are dating my ex, so fucking what? That was like a year ago, you want a gold ribbon or some shit?? That is like me having a car for a few years. I put most of the miles on that motherfucker, the dent in the door was made by me, I was the one that broke the car in.. Then you get the same car and brag about a vehicle that I have finished using, how stupid do you look??" After I said that he had mentioned how he would tell my ex that I compared her to a car and I called him a bitch for it. Nothing like a Barbershop.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Dan Rather

Over the past few years I have come to the conclusion that our media is bullshit. Evidence of that is the shabby way the media covered the run up to the Iraq war by not questioning anything. Or the way that every media outlet became a virtual Bush mouthpiece during the 2004 election. With Fox news being #1, and the other stations trying to imitate by becoming Fox-lite, it is hard to find a respectable journalist out among the plethora of incompetent boobs out there. One of the last relics still around from a time when journalism still mattered was Dan Rather.

Dan Rather stepped down from his CBS anchor chair this week and it is a shame that his farewell had to be a unpleasant one. From republicans constantly criticizing him from what they consider a "liberal bias" by Rather over the years, or the documents they claim were fraudulent exposing George W. Bush's "service". What the media misses about the documents are 1)It's true that they were never authenticated, but they were never proved to be false either. 2)Even though the wife Lt. Col. Jerry Killian, the author of those memos, didn't know if they were authentic but she confirms that the memo was consistent with his feeling at the time. Fuck it, lets break down Bush's service:

Media reports found Bush didn't fulfill obligation to the Guard
*According to a September 20 U.S. News & World Report article, Bush didn't fulfill the "military service obligation" that he signed. He still didn't attend enough drills to meet requirements. Bush also failed to comply with time limits on making up missed drills. The U.S. News article reported: "[D]uring the final two years of his obligation, Bush did not comply with Air Force regulations that impose a time limit on making up missed drills." In addition, Bush never made up five months of missed drills.

Bush flew planes for 22 months, not for "several years as Bush claimed
*Joe Conason pointed out, "[I]n May 1972, only 22 months after he completed pilot training, he [Bush] stopped flying. Twenty-two months, hardly constitutes the "several years" that Bush claimed.

Bush got preferential treatment
*Former Texas Speaker of the House Ben Barnes swore under oath that he helped Bush get into the Air National Guard.
*Bush's Harvard Business School professor Yoshi Tsurumi said Bush admitted his father's friends got him into the Guard.
*Records examined by the Boston Globe, and interviews with military specialists of that era, prove that Bush's attendance was so irregular that he could have been disciplined or ordered to active duty in 1972, 1973, or 1974

Bush never made up five months of missed drills
*In a U.S. News article, Bush "apparently never made up five months of drills he missed in 1972, contrary to assertions by the administration.

Bush twice signed documents pledging to meet requirements; twice violated that oath
*According to a article in The Boston Globe: "Bush fell well short of meeting his military obligation, a Globe reexamination of the records shows: Twice during his Guard service -- first when he joined in May 1968, and again before he transferred out of his unit in mid-1973 to attend Harvard Business School -- Bush signed documents pledging to meet training commitments or face a punitive call-up to active duty. He didn't meet the commitments, or face the punishment, the records show. The 1973 document has been overlooked in news media accounts. The 1968 document has received scant notice."

Bush skipped a required physical, and was grounded from flying
*The Globe article continued: "While Bush was in Alabama, he was removed from flight status for failing to take his annual flight physical in July 1972. On May 1, 1973, Bush's superior officers wrote that they could not complete his annual performance review because he had not been observed at the Houston base during the prior 12 months."

So now you understand where I'm coming from. Even if the documents were totally falsified there is no doubt that Bush not only got in the National Guard because of family connections, but also there is proof that he was a miserable soldier that missed a significant amount of time.

What makes "Rathergate" even more laughable is that there were journalistic misdeeds which made anything that Dan Rather did seem small in comparison. You had a journalist who leaked the identity of a CIA operative just because her husband came out against the Bush administration. You had a White House plant whose main purpose was to throw softball questions at Bush and his staff.(He turned out to be a gay escort by the way) You have Fox news with their misinformation, 65% of their viewers still think that Saddam was linked to the 9/11 attacks. Lastly, you have a handful of journalists who were paid to push George W. Bush's pathetic agenda. "Rathergate"?? Give me a fucking break.

Since 1961 Rather has covered the Kennedy assassination, Vietnam, Watergate, the fall of the Berlin Wall, Tianemen Square, you name it he's has been the first to cover it. He has had a long and respectable career, and its sad that he is being torn down by fellow colleagues who couldn't hold his journalistic jockstrap.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

HumanityCritic and his run-ins with THE LAW

In all my 31 years I consider myself fortunate that I have maintained a squeaky clean criminal record. In no way am I bragging about that since a person shouldn't have a record to begin with, but I feel lucky because I have done some things that probably should have had my butt put in jail. I don't mean city jail, but "try not to become anyone's bitch and keep my soap tied around my neck" jail.

Avenging a friend: I have a friend named Mark who has to be the nicest guy in the world, and truly a gentle soul. Have you ever had a friend that you never had a argument with, a friend that wouldn't hurt a fly? OK, that's Mark. So you can understand my extreme anger when I found out that this douchebag named Terry had pulled a gun on Mark. Apparently Terry said it was all a joke, but maybe it's me but I don't find being in front of a 357 Magnum as "humorous". Looking back, I'm embarrassed to say, I actively began looking for Terry. One night I saw him in a club that I used to go to. I step to him and say, "How in the fuck are you going to pull a gun on Mark you bitch ass motherfucker?" He gave me a mean look and said, with a fake New York accent(the guy lived in New York for a year and all of a sudden he is "representing Brooklyn", fronting jackass) "I know you ain't trying to step to me Critic, if you don't step off I..." Before he can finish his sentence I chop him in the throat and say, "Shut the fuck up!" As Terry is hunched over grasping for air I bend down beside him and say, "That shit looked like it hurt, it sucks to be you right now. Don't fuck with Mark anymore, OK tough guy" What I didn't know is that some cops were working the club that night and they rushed me, put handcuffs on me, and hauled me to a cop car. While I am in the backseat of the cop car I noticed that we were driving for about half an hour. Fearing that they were going to take me somewhere and kill me, or try to anally penetrate me, I clinch my buttcheeks and say, "Where in the fuck are we going?" The cops inform me that they won't arrest me, that they hate Terry because he is a known drug dealer, and that they wanted to make my "arrest" look believable. That is the first time where I enjoyed being in the presence of police officers.

I rock spots like a Crackhouse: I used to be cool with a drug dealer named Paul. I knew better than to hang with him but I was young and foolish. He wanted to hang out one night so we went down to the beach to meet some girls. Before that Paul informs me that he has to stop by his friends house, which I thought seemed completely harmless. As I sit on the couch of this unfamiliar apartment I get a strange feeling, and I smell a awful burning smell coming from upstairs. All of a sudden it hits me, "I'm in a motherfucking crackhouse!!" I quickly go outside and prepare myself to curse Paul the fuck out because I am pretty sure that Paul was a crackhead.. All of a sudden Paul gets thrown out the door, maybe by a customer that didn't want to pay. I start to help Paul out but the guy takes off. Here I am, chasing some guy down the strip on a crowded Friday night. I had no beef with him but my anger was fueled by the mere fact that his ass had me running over 10 blocks. I tackle him, kick him, and right when I'm about to hit him cops grab me. It seems that I had tackled this crackfein in front of the beach police station, how stupid. Good thing is nothing really happened, and the cops let me go after a while.

Let it flow: Another beach story. At one time, when hanging at the Oceanfront in Virginia Beach Va, there was absolutely no place to urinate after 2 AM. So I decided to relieve myself behind a Bush, where I thought I was totally secluded. I was wrong, as a female officer tapped me on my shoulder mid-stream. She said, "Aren't you going to stop?" I replied, "Hell naw, I'm already caught and I had like 10 beers. You can shake it when I'm finished though." I learned quickly that you don't say that shit to a female cop, and after I was finished she threw me against her cop car. I kind of liked it though, but that's just me. Again, cuffs were applied but at the end of the day I just got a ticket. From that point on it is my fantasy to have a woman dress in a police uniform.

Slow Down: I was at a party near my house where I got totally inebriated. I knew that I shouldn't of been driving, but since my house was like 3 miles away I decided to risk it.(Don't drink and drive, please!) Apparently I had a lead foot because when the officer pulled me over he informed me that I was doing 85 in a 45. I am certain that the cop knew I was drunk, but possibly let me go with a reckless driving ticket because I was about a few blocks from my house. Since that cop gave me a break the last thing he would expect would be for me to fight the ticket, but I got the best lawyer money could buy. When he saw me in court with legal representation I could see his anger, but fuck him because who wants a reckless driving charge on their record and insurance? The first time I lost, and I was going to just pay it and call it a day. But my lawyer, Bill Maclanon told me that I should "fight for your rights brother, show them that they can't hold a brother down." Which made me giggle because a) I knew he wanted another 500+ dollars from me and b)My lawyer is a 70 year old white guy. We go back to court with a few aces in my pocket. Not only did I bribe a mechanic to write a written form saying that my speedometer was off by 35 miles an hour, but when we walked in my lawyer got the utmost respect from the judge and the other lawyers. "It's good to see you Bill" they said and I knew I had this in the bag. The judge ruled "not guilty" and I looked over at the cop and steam was coming from his scalp. Dressed in a overpriced suit I looked at the cop, put a toothpick in my mouth, and gave him a quick wink. It was definitely my "John Gotti" moment.

Saving a republicans ass: The last time I had cuffs on me was about the same time that me and my childhood friend had reconnected after not seeing each other for 8 years. My friend Danny had called me and said that he was drunk, he needed a ride home, and about 5 guys wanted to beat his ass. I rush over right before Danny became a human punching bag. The cops must have been called because as soon as I squared up to punch a dude the cops showed up. They hauled a few of us in the cop car, but the funny thing was all of the guys in the cop car that got arrested with me were telling the cops that I was innocent. At the end of the day I was released without anything on my record, so I was lucky. But when we first got to the police station one of the officers wanted to beat me with his nightstick. Why did he want to beat me you ask, here are a few reasons:

1. When I was in the backseat of the cop car I kept saying, "I smell bacon!! I smell bacon!!" I was inebriated by that point so my judgment was off.
2. I kept quoting Robert DeNiro in "The Untouchables" when he said, "You're nothing but a gun and a badge! You're nothing but a gun and a badge!"
3. I started singing that KRS One song.. "When they arrest a black man, they need 30 cops or mooooore well now!
4. Along with a whole bunch of other songs dedicated to cops. "Black Cop", "The sound of the police", and "Fuck the police"

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

HumanityCritic's guide to being on TV

I'm not the biggest fan of talk shows or reality TV, but I have caught my fair share of them over the years. Sometimes I sit there in amazement because of the blistering idiocy people on these shows display. Here are a few helpful hints, if you ever find yourself on one of these shows.

Cheaters: OK, your girl thinks you are cheating so she hires the investigative team of this show to basically monitor your every move. They have followed you around, took surveillance of you on dates with other women, filmed you going inside the "other woman's" house making out..Brother, your monkey ass is officially caught

Helpful hint: If the crew of the show "Cheaters" rolls up on you while you are with your mistress and your wife/girlfriend is acting hysterical, don't do the following: Man: But baby, I love you! Who is this you say?? This is my friend, nothing is going on. I love you baby, wait. Wait! You have surveillance of me having sex?? That wasn't me! Please baby, please". My advice: If you get ambushed you should just take off immediately. Don't say a word, run to your vehicle as fast as you can. You save face, and you can beat your girlfriend home and salvage your belongings that she planned to burn.

The Real World: This show gets wacker by the year, but there is one thing I have noticed over the tenure of this show. There are always a couple of cast members that "get together" immediately and that is a big mistake:

Helpful hint: If you are on this show and there is someone on the cast that you want to get close to, it is in your best interest to wait! The reason is because if you get with somebody immediately and things go south you will have a bitter ass, player hating roommate that is constantly talking shit about you for your entire time there. My advice is to wait until the last couple of weeks of the show to, and I quote a classic Ice Cube line, "knock those boots from here to Albuquerque". It will save you a shitload of trouble.

Fear Factor: I don't have any advice for being on this show but something funny just came to mind. I had a friend whose girlfriend went on this show last season. The reason why this is relevant is because he is always telling me when he gives her "oral pleasure" that she doesn't reciprocate. According to him, she says that fellatio is disgusting and that she will never provide him with that pleasure. When he told me that I said, "Wait a minute. Your girl won't go down on you but she feels comfortable eating monkey testicles on national television for money?? Dude. you seriously have to re-evaluate your relationship" We all laughed, but I saw him thinking about what I said. What kind of shit is that??

Maury Povich: Just think there was a time and place when this guy was considered a serious journalist. This show makes me mad simply because of the bottom feeders that appear on this program. The funniest thing is when you have a woman who doesn't know who the father of her child is.

Helpful hint: Ladies, you know damn well that you were fucking like 12 guys when your child was conceived. Don't act all shocked when the first group of guys you hauled out on stage isn't the father of your brat. My advice is to keep that shit private because when you are on the show for the 5th time, and you are on your 15th possible father, that shit isn't sexy.

Ricky Lake: This show is another example of the decline of civilization as we know it. This show has so many clueless people on it I often wonder if they hired actors, because people can't be that stupid. A great example is when men are on the show that are accused of cheating.

Helpful Hint: I don't know if the men on this show are aware that they are on the show for cheating or not, but come on fellas.. When you are in the green room and a beautiful woman starts flirting with you don't you think that you are being set up? I mean, most of these guys look like Biz Markie so what makes you think that a beautiful stranger would let you fondle them within five minutes?? But these guys fall for the bait, and they show the footage to their wife while she's on stage, ignorant motherfuckers.

Judge Judy: I'm sorry but I absolutely hate all judge themed shows. Primarily because the judge tends to grandstand because the camera is on, which is understandable because it is entertainment, but it is irritating because they wouldn't say half the shit they say if it was a actual courtroom.

Helpful Hint: Judge Judy is the worst because you can be respectful to her, and her ass will call you stupid or find another way to disrespect you. My advice: When she comes out her mouth wrong at you just say the following "Bitch, who in the fuck are you talking to?? I might be in here because I owe my ex some rent money, but I am into some thug shit for real. How would you like it if I beat you and your bailiff with your gavel? (Ripping off shirt, quoting Denzel from Training Day) King Kong ain't got shit on me!" Granted, it would get you kicked out of court and the show might not even air it, but just imagine how good you would feel.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Jumping out of the Closet

A few months ago I mentioned in a post that I am one of those guys who people feel that they can just open up to, express their deepest feelings. Well, besides being a person that certain individuals have felt obliged to come out of the closet to, I have also been present to some very public displays of people expressing their new found gayness. From day one, since I started my blog, I have shared very personal stories for the world to see. Here are a few examples of real life situations that I have gone through.

My cousin Sean: I got a call from my mother about 4 oclock one morning. When you get a call that early you figure that someone died, or some national tragedy just happened. She says, "Critic, guess what??" Half asleep I say, "What mom?? Do you know what time it is?" She informs me that my cousin Sean just came out of the closet, with a sort of disbelief in her voice. I say to my mom, "Ma, I knew Sean was gay from the time he was 10 years old!!" She asks me to explain because she never noticed and I say the following: "Mom, when we were playing basketball he was playing double dutch. When we were playing with G.I. Joe he was collecting Pound Puppies. Remember when he used to wear his mother's dresses and high heels? He only had friends who were girls growing up, and when I paid a stunningly beautiful woman 60 bucks to "make the moves on him" when he was 20 he acted as if she had a contagious disease. Mom, Sean is gayer than Ru Paul at a gay pride parade singing show-tunes."

Homophobic Dad: Growing up, my friend Mitch had a dad that was a huge homophobe. When we would play football and someone made a mistake you could hear him in the distance saying, "What are you a fag??" For the past 20 years I came to realize his hatred for homosexuals, even expressing how he wanted to see all of them killed. His extreme views always made me uncomfortable, because I always felt that he possibly felt the same way about African Americans. As time passed, and I got bigger and more of an asshole, I used to challenge his very homophobic views. I used to tell him that I thought he was gay since 80% of his conversations were about homosexuals, which made him furious. I used to say, "Look at the stretch marks around your lips, your fruity ass isn't fooling anybody!" That used to get him irate. Fast forward to 2003 at his 60th birthday party where he told everyone in attendance that he had a announcement to make. He gathers everyone together, brings his lover out, and informs all of us that he is gay. I have to admit that he seemed at peace with himself and a big burden was lifted from his shoulders. But I couldn't let it go. I told him, in front of the crowd "Wait a minute, I had to hear the most hateful homophobic shit ever uttered and your ass is gay? What the fuck? I am glad that you came out the closet but let me be the first to say that you are a motherfucking asshole! You sorry son of a bitch!" OK, I was kind of drunk, but the intent was pure. He talked to me later and ironed things out, but when someone that you know is highly homophobic they might just play for the pink team.

Ex-girlfriend: In college I was in a intense relationship with a woman name Juanita. Even though I was in the middle of my "whore" phase, I tried my best to maintain the monogamy and treat her with the utmost respect. Along the way I made my mistakes like cursing out her dad when he told me that he was a black republican, throwing a drink in her homegirls face when she said that Juanita should leave me, and beating up her male friend when he said the wrong shit to me. That isn't that bad is it?? Youthful indiscretions is how I would categorize it. We dated a while but after about a year she broke up with me. I was crushed because I actually saw a future with her. About 3 years later I see her at a club with her "life-partner". She tells me that she always knew that she was gay and that she had recently came out of the closet. A feeling of relief came over me, and I said: "Wow, so you always knew you were gay?? That means that the reason our relationship ended wasn't because of me but because of your suppressed lesbian feelings. It is good to know that it wasn't my fault" Then she quickly put me in my place with the following rant: "Critic, we broke up because you were a first class asshole, my "gayness" had nothing to do with our separation. Come to think about it you were such a piss poor boyfriend that it's my theory that you drove me to my alternate lifestyle!" A few moments of discomfort passed and she said, "I'm kidding, you didn't make me gay but you were a asshole" Damn..

Everybody Loves Raymond: While in college I had a few things that I lived by. 1)That Hip Hop will never die 2) I have a obsession with breasts and think thighs 3) That black republicans should be slowly tortured and 4) That my friend Raymond was a bad motherfucker. For one thing, the guy could talk the drawers off a nun, totally unbelievable. Also, he was the toughest guy that I have ever known. One night I saw him take on two big bouncers and had them on the ground in less than a minute. This other night I was about to get my ass kicked by 4 frat guys that had me surrounded, until Ray saved my black ass by beating all of them with a pool stick. Maybe its because he was a couple of years older than me, but he was definitely a person that I looked up to. Ray was also the most popular guy on campus, I used to call him "Norm from cheers" because everybody seemed to know his name. One night he called me over to his apartment because he had something to tell me. When I get there he has tears streaming down his face, asking me to sit down. He sobbingly tells me that he has been living a lie and that he was indeed gay. At the time I remember thinking that I was honored that he would confide in me with that information. But then I asked, "But your a pimp Ray, what about all the girls you talk to?" He informs me that that was just a ruse, and that he never was intimate with any of the girls I saw him with. I was shocked, but I was proud of myself because my opinion of Ray never changed.

Friday, March 04, 2005

On This Day..

On this day in 1877, Emile Berliner came up with a invention that would be the most important piece of equipment for the almighty MC. That invention was the MICROPHONE.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Sexcapades Gone Wrong

During the tenure of my time writing in this blog I have discussed some of the most intimate details of my personal life from painful memories, my love for Hip Hop, embarrassing moments, and things that I need to correct about myself. The following post will continue my tradition of airing out my dirty laundry, which at the end of the day could prove to be quite embarrassing. Fuck it, here are examples of some embarrassing moments in my sexual history.

Say my name, Say my name: I dated this one woman named Rosa and she thought I was the funniest person on earth. I am not that funny, but when I cracked the simplest joke she would burst out in laughter for about two minutes. It was kind of irritating. Another problem with our "relationship" was she always thought I was kidding, which was frustrating in itself. One night, right in the middle of "bumping ugly's", I called Rosa by the wrong name. I immediately stopped and waited for her to go ballistic, looking in her eyes preparing for the onslaught. Then she said, "Boy you are so crazy, stop playing around." What are the chances of a woman not getting mad at being called the wrong name?? Even though I got lucky, I still felt ashamed that I disrespected her with my faux paus.

If the glove don't fit...: At one time I was involved with a woman whose boyfriend had left her and moved across country. We dated for a while, and I was actually happy that we had waited before we consummated the relationship. We get back to her house after a night on the town and we get hot and heavy. I realize that I don't have any condoms and tell her that I'm going to the store to get some. She tells me that her ex had a drawer full and to reach in and grab one. I do just that, but apparently her ex was hung like a horse on steroids. It says, "Magnum Supreme" or some shit on the side and I tell her that I have to use the bathroom. I tried the condom on and lets just say that a man shouldn't go for the "baggy look" when using a prophylactic. This condom was so big I bet you money that her ex had to have a team of tailors to make this motherfucker. I am happy with my size, but I have never felt so inadequate in my life. I must have been in that bathroom for five minutes, trying to figure out how I can finesse this situation. The best I could come up with as I left the bathroom was to tell her, "I'm going to the store because this kind of latex breaks me out." As the words left my lips I realized that it was the weakest thing ever said in history. I get back from the store and we do our thing, if this was a basketball game I would say that I put up a double-double. Not bad, but minutes later ole girl starts giggling and I ask her what in the fuck is she laughing at. She said, "I wanted to see what you were going to do when I gave you those huge condoms, my ex was like 11'and I didn't expect you to be the same size as he was." I then said," He was 11'?? That guy didn't have a penis he had a kickstand!!."

You-can't-be-me-I'm-a pornstar: When I was in college, I dated a girl who had serious aspirations of becoming a pornstar. The same way people talk about becoming a architect or a doctor, she would tell me that her goal in life was to be one of porn's premiere stars. At the time I thought it was a joke since she had a very odd since of humor. But during our sexual episodes I noticed some evidence that made me believe her goal of becoming a porn star. For one thing, her moans and screams seemed so theatrical that many times I had to say to her in a polite way, "Shut the fuck up!" Then when she was on top she would turn around and look at a "imaginary camera" as if someone was filming the whole thing. Even more hilarious would be the fact that she would use strictly porn terminology like "cock", "rod", "shaft", "man-meat" and "beefstick". There was one good aspect of that whole situation though, she always kept me giggling so it kept my mind off of "climaxing", lengthening my performance time. I wondered if she ever fulfilled her dreams..

What in the fuck is that smell?: This is a bit crass but here goes. I had a brief relationship with this girl who went to a neighboring High School when I was a Sophomore, but she moved away and we wrote letters to each other until we got to college. We both had planned to go to "college weekend" at Bush Gardens so we can meet up, catch up on old times, maybe a little extra. We both had rooms in the same hotel so after a day at Bush Gardens we went to our rooms to freshen up, then do a little "late night whatnot". I go to her room and we get right into it, and she gives me passionate "mouth hugs" for minutes. When she was finished I felt that I should reciprocate. But there was a slight problem, when she took off her pants there was a smell that could of woke the dead. Remember when you were a kid watching cartoons, and the image of a bad smell would turn into a fist and hit someone over the head? That's what happened to me, and I didn't know how to tell her that her shit wasn't quite right. But one thing was certain, I don't care if you numbed my tongue, gave me a gas mask, and got me high as a Kite I wasn't going nowhere near THAT. I tried to make some excuse about how I suddenly didn't feel well and that I had to lay down. She blocked my exit and kept asking me why I was leaving and I still couldn't tell her the truth. She interrogated me for a few more moments until the truth came out, and I will always regret that I said the following: "You want to know the truth?? OK, you ain't fresh down there, how's that?? You don't smell that?? I have smelled better scents from week old road kill. The stench is so bad I actually think that I can taste it!" Lets just say that is the last time I saw that High School flame.

Quote of the Month

Nas, when asked if he would respond to 50 cent's diss track entitled "Piggy Bank"

"I need a good opponent to go after, then it's all good. The game is looking terrible. It's a lot of guys out here, 'CB4' gangstas, making the rap game look bad.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

HumanityCritic holds a Mirror up to Himself

I have spent a considerable amount of time criticizing black republicans, wack MC's, women who disagree with premarital sex, and a plethora of other victims during the tenure of my blog. Well, it's about time that I hold the mirror up to myself because my excrement stinks too. Here are some examples of some bad habits/tendencies that I have:

I am a snob: Its the truth, and a hard thing to admit. During a conversation, if you expose to me that you like a wack form of entertainment(i.e Jah Rule fan, your favorite movie is "Diary of a mad black woman") I wrongly assume that you should never be trusted when it comes to your opinion on anything. I was talking to a woman that seemed to be rather intriguing, but when she informed me that "Jah Rule was the best rapper ever" she started sounding like Charlie Brown's teacher to me.(Whah-Whah) I shouldn't be so judgmental.

I suffer from road rage: It's not as bad as you think, I feel that my fits of road rage are basically a vehicular version of turrets. If the light turns green and the person doesn't immediately go, I honk my horn and yell "Hurry the fuck on!". If a person is in front of me and fails to turn because they are busy making a phone call, I may simply yell "Get off your cell phone Jackass!" Those aren't really bad examples, here come the kicker. I was taking my mother to church one Sunday and I very innocently honked my horn when a couple were busy talking at a green light. The couple were enraged and pulled beside me, both of them sticking up their middle fingers as the man says "Fuck you asshole". I quickly blurted out, "Fuck you and your dirty whore of a wife!" I slowly turned to my mother and the look of horror on her face not only made me quickly apologize, but to be honest it was priceless. Sorry mom.

I am argumentative: Maybe this comes from being the youngest child, trying to get a word in. Maybe it comes from me defending myself from my father's "You ain't shit" rants growing up. I don't know, but it's hard for me to let shit go. My friend Danny, who I have mentioned before is a die hard republican, but he hardly discusses politics because he knows how passionate about it I am. But that doesn't stop some of his friends from talking about it. One night out one of his friends started spouting Republican racism, approaching topics like welfare and implying that all black folks were lazy. Danny looked at me, knowing that I was going to tear his friend a new one. After citing facts and figures debunking all of his idiocy, I implied that his parents were siblings and compared him to a steaming pile of excrement. Lets just say that Danny doesn't have him hang around us anymore.

I am a hypocrite(part 1): I always say that I don't care what people think, I say this with pride. For the past few years that has pretty much been my motto. A few months ago it snowed here in Va, closing many bars that me and Danny wanted to go to. The only bar that was open was a gay bar that was up the street from our neighborhood. I didn't even think about going there, but Danny had suggested that we go. Anyone that knows me knows that I am the furthest thing from a homophobe, but I was totally against going. Danny asked why, even saying "What's wrong Mr. Liberal, I thought you were about inclusion." My point, at the time, wasn't about not wanting to be around gay people. I explained that if I saw someone in there that I knew, possibly some girl who might go in there occasionally, I couldn't simply say I was in there getting a drink because she would think I was lying. I felt that way because I used to frequent a lesbian club, because I liked seeing chicks make out.(I am a typical guy) When I used to see girls in there that I knew to be straight and they said that they were "just getting a drink", i always thought they were full of shit. We never went to get a drink, but it just shows that I DO care what some people think. That sucks.

I am a hypocrite(part 2)- Now that I am getting older, I feel that violence is unnecessary. Years ago I used to fight every weekend, willing to knock some clown out that said the wrong thing. I constantly say how "I am 31, and that part of my life is over", and it is but I noticed that sometimes I am a big phony. One night I went to a function where this dude was starring at me the whole night, looking intense. After about 2 hours of him giving me constant stares, I walked over to him and said "Do you want my number motherfucker? I am just wondering since you have been looking at me like I am a home cooked meal!" Come to find out the gentlemen was a friend of my father's, and he was trying to figure out if I was who he thought I was. I felt like a thug, and I hope that I can work on my anger problems.

I curse way too much: Truth is I love curse words. People tell you that cursing is used by individuals who lack vocabulary, but let me tell you that that theory is bullshit. I feel confident in the plethora of words in my mental Rolodex, it's just that swear words are the proper seasoning to put on a sentence. But sometimes, I question my allegiance to my beloved curse words. One day I was playing one on one with some guy at the YMCA. As I played him, I would block his shot and say "Get that shit out of there!". I would shoot a three pointer and say, "Your bitch ass can't guard me! Who in the fuck is guarding me?" Along with a occasional "shit" and "fuck" when I would miss a shot. After we finished I was embarrassed when the gentlemen I was playing with introduced himself as "Father Richard Green". He gave me a flyer to his church and laughingly said that I need Jesus.