First Things First

The other day I ran into Nikki, she is the first girl that I kissed. She was shopping in the grocery store and we reminisced about old times and the childhood mischief that we went through. Our lives are rather different these days, I am unmarried and a bona fide asshole. She is married and has 6 kids.(I mistakenly said that she didn't have a few kids, she had a litter. Somehow she didn't find that amusing) But thinking about our kiss made me think about other "firsts" in my life.


First Kiss: Being a Navy Brat and living in Navy housing at one point in my life I was surrounded by kids of all types. I quickly became best friends with a kid named Kevin and through our friendship I learned things that a 8-10 year old shouldn't be learning.(i.e watching their parents smoke weed, watching his father and his friends beat a man within a inch of his life, hear loud moaning sounds from the mother's bedroom from having sex with a man that was not Kevin's father) If my parents knew what I was being subjected to they would of went batshit. Besides all of that, Kevin had a sister named Nikki. We were the same age, she was cute, but I never paid her any attention. Until it was revealed to me that Nikki had a crush on me. Everyone kept telling me that I should kiss her but I was scared shitless because I had never kissed a girl before. So one evening, tired of all the pressure and adolescent ridicule, I take Nikki to the side of her house. Heart racing, hand shaking, and lips quivering I touch Nikki's face like I had seen in a million movies and I gently kiss her. I still remember my boys applauding like I had scored a touchdown or some shit.

First Fight: I was 7 years old and for a few months I was being bullied by this guy named Tyrone. Tyrone was about 13, and you just knew that this motherfucker was destined for the penitentiary. The bullying was tame at first, but one day he smacked me around to the point that I was crying uncontrollably. I went to my house and my dad was standing in the doorway and asked, "Why in the fuck are you crying?" Sobbing, I told him that Tyrone had just slapped me. He said, "You aren't getting in this house until you fight back".I tried to get in the house anyway but he had locked the door, I dropped to my knees begging him to open it but he ignored me. When I realized that I had to fight him I went back, mainly to receive an ass whipping. As I approached Tyrone he called me a sissy and pushed me down. In a classic "fight or flight" moment, knowing that my dad was watching and me wanting the whole ordeal to be over, I picked up a brick that was in someones yard and threw it at Tyrone with all my might. Luckily it landed right between his eyes, and he was screaming for what seemed for an eternity. I hear my father scream, "Now kick that motherfucker" and I did. I love my father(R.I.P), and his lesson made me tougher, but that memory is definitely a uncomfortable one.

First time I had Sex: I have always been a notorious shit talker, even when I was young. Everybody thought that I wasn't a virgin from all the made up sex stories I always told people. But the truth is, in Junior High, I was a Big old virgin. No doubt about that. I had seen girls naked, touched breasts, seen other private parts, but I never experienced the ultimate prize. Anyway, there was a girl in my math class named Joann. I wasn't the most popular guy in school but Joann was a bona fide nerd, a band geek as some like to say. The funny thing about her, like the character in American Pie, she actually told me "band-camp" stories. Suddenly Joann began to flirt with me, telling me how cute I was, and saying that she would like to see my house one day. Boy was I scared, because I knew that she was talking about "bumping ugly's"! After a while I took her up on her offer and invited her to my house after school. We arrived at my house and quickly went to my bedroom. I took one of my brother's condoms and started with the four-play. I knew that I would have problems finding the "designated area" so I told her my back was hurting and that she should "ride me". As soon as she got on I liked what I was feeling. I probably liked it too much because a couple minutes later I was "done". Joann was cool about it and she promptly left. Then I noticed that some girls in my school started calling me "speedy". Since I ran track I thought the nickname was a compliment. I didn't learn until later that it wasn't complimentary at all.

First time I got High: As a kid I was so anti-drug that Nancy Reagan could have had my black ass in a commercial or something. Every opportunity that I had to get high I strongly refused. It got to the point that friends of mine stopped asking, and their friends who didn't know me knew ahead of time not to ask. That all changed one hot spring day. I was cool with this girl name Rhonda, we would go to her house after school and raid the fridge, watch videos, and get into all sorts of mischief. One day her mother comes from upstairs with a vanilla envelope and said three words that will stick with me forever, "Wanna get high?". She reached into that envelope and pulled out a lime green marijuana bud straight from a Cheech and Chong movie. She starts rolling the weed in rolling papers and my heart is racing because i know that I am about to smoke what some call "The Chronic". The mere fact that I was about to smoke with someone's mom made me feel like I was in a John Hughes movie. I kept expecting to see Molly Ringwald or Anthony Michael Hall appear and smoke with us. I started smoking and I got high as a kite, so high in fact that I told Rhonda's mom the following: "Mrs. Jones, I always wanted to tell you that you had some beautiful titties". Geez, what a jackass. I still feel to this day that if my mother knew half of the shit that adults subjected me to that she would be looking to beat someones ass.