Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Men over 60 who could beat your motherfucking ass!!

I have come to the conclusion that getting old truly sucks. The reason I say this is because I was in a club a few weeks back and this gentlemen in his mid 60's was having a drink. He had got into it with a couple of guys that had to be 30 years his junior, they were truly giving the guy a hard time. Being the asshole I am I told the two guys that the gentleman was my father and if they kept talking shit that I would "break their heads open".(Even though the man was Jewish) As the two guys left the man said, "If I was 20 years younger I would have beaten their asses". It just made me realize that I want to be a tough son of a bitch when I get in my twilight years, similar to the men on this list.

Jim Brown(69): Here is a man that left football on top of his game and hasn't expressed any regrets yet. That is a bad man in my book. One of the first athletes to speak out concerning civil rights, make love to white women on the silver screen, and never gave a PC answer like so many black athletes do nowadays. Not only that, we all know that Jim Brown had a habit of throwing women off of balconies so its evident that the brother doesn't give a fuck. I was listening to a reporter who said that when you speak to Jim Brown that you have to chose your words carefully, because you never know if Brown will get in your ass or not. Want to get your ass beat by a Hall of Famer?? Ask him how he throws women like javelins, or say that Emmit Smith was a better running back. The downside is the internal bleeding part, the upside is that you caught a bad one from arguably the best football player ever.

Ike Turner(73): I know that Ike was a woman abuser and that is no laughing matter. Any man that puts his hands on a woman should be dealt with accordingly. That being said, I still think that Ike could whip your ass. When I watch him in interviews you can see him hanging on every word, just waiting for the interviewer to say some wrong shit. Not only that, the guy is a very talented musically, but is somewhat ignorant which increases the "crazy as fuck" factor significantly. Take my advice, if you see Ike just give a quick nod and get your ass out of there. If you bring up how "he is a bastard", and "the way he treated Tina was fucked up", don't come crying to the HumanityCritic when he puts a boot in your hind parts.

Clint Eastwood(74): "Dirty Harry", "The Outlaw Josie Wales", "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly", this guy has surely played a bad ass on screen. I Don't really know if he is a tough guy in real life, but word is that he doesn't take shit from anyone. Regardless, true life or fiction, you have to be a bad motherfucker to deliver the following cold blooded line: "I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya punk?" Geez, he isn't playing.

Chuck Norris(65): Besides having a corny as fuck T.V show(Walker Texas Ranger), and having a shitload of Karate Schools across America, I still feel that Chuck Norris is a guy that would have no trouble pummeling you in front of your girl. He is 65 and his reflexes are a bit slower, but this guy was a karate champion for years. Not only that, he is the only guy that gave Bruce Lee a legitimate test.(albeit in a movie) Testing him probably wouldn't be a wise move on your part. If you don't want a ass whipping don't say the following: "Hey Chuck, Walker Texas Ranger sucked ass!! Plus, your ass had a stunt double! Not just for the difficult stunts, you use a stunt man to make simple kicks and shit! What kind of kung fu expert are you??" Say those words and you might be eating your meals out of a straw for a few weeks. Respect your elders!

Richard Roundtree(64): I don't care how old he gets, I find it hard to believe that anyone could beat "Shaft's" ass. People look down on Blaxploitation flicks, but when "Shaft" came out it was refreshing to many people because there were hardly any black hero's on the silver screen. In those flicks he beat ass, womanized, and talked shit to "the man". I'm not really sure how Mr. Roundtree is in his personal life, for all I know he could live a Gandhi-like lifestyle. But I'm sorry, I still think that if you get on this guys bad side he would whip your ass while singing the "Shaft" theme song.

"Who is the man/

That would break the neck of his brother man?


Can ya dig it?"

Sean Connery(74): A man who I think is the best James Bond ever, he is definitely old school. Besides being a grave digger and joining the British Navy at the age of 16, he also took dancing lessons for 11 years.(now thats tough) He was once taking martial arts lessons for a movie and angered the instructor so much that the instructor broke his wrist(The instructor was Steven Seagal) He worked with that broken wrist for years thinking it was a minor injury. He has been involved in altercations on the sets of his movies and in public as recently as a couple of years ago.(Ladies will love this) In a interview with Barbara Walters some years back he said it was "OK to give a woman a slap". You want to be on the business end of a "Connery beating", just remind him that he turned down the role of "Gandalf" in the Lord of the Rings movies. Good luck!

Burt Reynolds(69): I don't know what it is but I just feel that Burt Reynolds could whip your ass, that simple. Most people my age primarily know him for the Smokey and Bandit flicks, the Cannonball Run movies, or those younger than myself you might know him as "Jack Horner" in Boogie Nights. This guy is a legitimate bad-ass though, legendary bar brawls and manhandling directors has earned this gentleman quite the reputation. Even in the twilight of his life he is still getting into physical altercations with motorists, or any other garden variety jackass that crosses his path.

(Want to download a podcast of this post? It's an excellent way to listen to it whenever you wanted to. Go here and check it out)


DaKelzz said...

Man this was an EXCELLENT post!!

Fun-nee LOL!!

This has to be my favorite line out of the whole thing ...

" When I watch him in interviews you can see him hanging on every word, just waiting for the interviewer to say some wrong shit. "

that shit is priceless!!!

peachy said...

Sean Connery can give me a slap. Yum-my.

I love Jim Brown.

Belle said...

Burt Reynolds looks horrible. He needs to go kick his plastic surgeon's ass.

Good stuff, Critic.

MacMarv said...

Nice blog, making it a favorite. I think I can take Chuck Norris

Joey said...

Awesome post. I don't think he qualifies yet, but when Gary Busey makes it over 60, he should be on this list, too. Dude's not all that intimidating or tough, but he's fucking crazy, and I think he'd be capable of almost anything.

Nikki said...

Sean Connery is one of the coolest dudes out there. Still holdin' it down after all these years.

And Jim Brown, I saw the documentary about him that Spike Lee directed. Homes was a bad mofo 2 times over.

Fran said...

Daaang, I never knew how old these men were. They're really gettin up there in age! LOL @ chuck norris.....and that last dude looks pretty...bad.

Me said...

OK, the Ike story had me rollin.

Sean Connery is a bad ass, and he's hot. Yeah, I said it, Sean Connery is hot.

Jdid said...

shaft will kick your ass, can you dig it!

E to the dwige said...

Sean Connery is the hotness...

kiesha said...

when I saw Ike on the list I was too through with you. LOL funny post

Danja said...

Might I add my grandfather (Aage 81)...

Thank you, thank you very much

*cowering in fear at the thought*

Danja said...


Don Tate II said...

That has to be the funniest post I've read since...well since I started bloggin 3 months ago! Plus there's something laugh-out-loud histerical about the words "motherfucking ass!!" Guess 'cause I can't say those words on my blog.

Reza said...

Sean Connery is a bad mutha@#$%$

Ike Turner is just damn scary. (definitely wouldn't want to offer his ass some pound cake)

Chuck Norris' pants are too tight to fight.

Richard Roundtree is somebody I definitely wouldn't want to piss off.

Clint Eastwood and Burt Reynolds, are legends on screen, but I don't think they could stay awake long enough to whoop somebody's ass.

Jason said...

I used to be a big fan of Richard Roundtree until I heard him speak at the 2000 Republican Convention. That's right, Shaft has sold out all the way and joined the man.

Zantiferous3 said...

LMAO you are hilarious.

I am so mad at you thinking Burt can beat anybody but Loni's ass. LOL

Boooooo at you thinking Sean Connery was the best James Bond. I'm a HUGE Roger Moore fan... Nobody Does it Better... LOL

Richard Roundtree... well if he can whip breast cancer's ass... then I'm sure he could beat mine.

Great post. =)

Anonymous said...

i'm with rbg and peachy, and the rest - Sean Connery is just plain hot!

and Burt, it's a shame he went and missed himself up - but there is something about him - carefree with a 'don't mess with me' attitude.

Dayrell said...

When you added Burt Reynold to the list, that just about did it for me. Lmao! I was cracking up.

Burt's angry ass "stare" ALONE let's you know that he can whoop some serious ass. lol. Scary.

And seriously. If I ever seen Jim Brown walking towards me...I'd run.

Very funny post Critic. I likes...

Brother OMi said...

Back in the day Burt Reynolds was gangsta. he was known for being a bad ass.

You need to read Jim Brown's autobiography... it is FUNNEEE but dope...

Bruce LEe took his kicks from Chuch Norris. At that time Chuck had the fastest kick in the world, i believed it clocked at 90 mph..

greggy said...

Who? Sean Connery IS the best Bond ever! Ike and Burt? I'm faster than thrm, I can take both right now while I'm eating cereal...The others? I'll cross the street and wave at them as I go past...LOL

Mahogany Elle said...

Ha! This is great. I'd add Isaac Hayes, Ron Isley and "Mister Mayagi" (his real name escapes me) to the list too :)

Kelly said...

Chuck Norris kicked my ex-boyfriends dad's ass. Lol, funny shit.

Sean Connery said...

***SEAN CONNERY IS MY LIFE IDOL!!! GOOGLE "Sean Connery's Soldiers" and click the gamespot link to see the OFFICIAL SEAN CONNERY UNION!!!

Sean Connery was the original Master Chief in Halo, but the games producers wanted the war between the humans and covenant to last three games, not one.

Sean Connery makes a mountain out of a molehill. He then scales the mountain with his bare hands, kills whoever he finds at the top, and detonates a ten megaton bomb as he hanglides away.

Mr. T once tried to pity Sean Connery. Sean Connery then proceeded to pistol whip Mr. T into a hundred golden bullets that he now uses in his Walther PPK to kill communists.

There are only three horsemen of the apocalypse because Sean Connery is going to drive his Aston Martin V12 Vanquish.

Sean Connery was once cut by an assassin’s blade. Upon his skin opening, a third arm came out of the wound and pistol whipped the assassin to death. If asked about this, Sean Connery will not remember, because it all happened while he was asleep.
Sean Connery let the dogs out. He then forced them back in with an intense eyebrow raise, a few pistol whips, and later pistol whipped all of the Baha Men for questioning Sean Connery.

Sean Connery once blew up the periodic table of elements. He later said, “The only element Sean Connery knows is surprise.”

Sean Connery does not eat food. He pistol whips it until it surrenders its nutrition to Sean Connery.

When life gives Sean Connery lemons, he holds his Walther PPK to its head and tells it to make him some ****’in lemonade.

Sean Connery once had an STD. It eventually left him, and detonated in Hiroshima.

If you’ve ever been assassinated in halo, you know what fighting Sean Connery is like.

Sean Connery does not catch colds, he captures them.

Sean Connery does not sleep. He waits.

23,000. That is the number of people Sean Connery has pistol whipped in the time it has taken you to read the first three words of this sentence.

Sean Connery is allergic to doors. This is why he only uses C4 to blow through them.

If you ask Sean Connery for the time, he will check his watch, and say “Time to die,” as he burns your eyes out with the watches phosphorescent laser.

Sean Connery does not blink. Whoever looks him in the eye will imagine him blinking out of fear.

Sean Connery’s hair isn’t actually black. The sun is just afraid to shine on his head.

Sean Connery uses lemon juice for eye drops.

Igor Sikorski invented the helicopter, but Sean Connery invented one hundred thirty nine ways to blow one up.

Sean Connery is his own bodyguard.

Sean Connery is the reason Sam Fisher tries to hide.

Sean Connery was once attacked by Chuck Norris. Sean Connery gave him three things. His autograph, calling card, and personal advice. All three were bullets to the head.

Sean Connery means death in six different languages. English is one of them.

Neil Armstrong may have been the first person on the moon, but Sean Connery was the first man.

Sean Connery was once bitten by a rattlesnake. Shortly thereafter, the poison caused the snake to explode.

Sean Connery does not have a blood sugar level. He has a blood C4 level.

Sean Connery does not pay the government a cost of living tax, the government pays him a cost of survival tax.

Sean Connery can sneeze without closing his eyes. He can also see without opening them.

Sean Connery can watch “60 Minutes” in fifteen minutes.

When in Rome, Sean Connery does not do as Romans do. He does as Sean Connery does, and kills some commies.

Darth Vader may be Luke Skywalker's father, but Sean Connery is Darth Vader's father.

George Bush found no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq cuz Sean Connery was on vacation from hunting terrorists there... his vacation was hunting commies in Russia.

Sean Connery knows where the beef is.

The only condoms bigger than magnums, are Sean Connerys.