ESPN Classic Presents.. HumanityCritic's sports tales

For the past few months I have shared my most personal memories, whether it be concerning sex, my history with marijuana, songs that affected me, or how Condi Rice is a incompetent "Aunt Tomasina", injecting my personal experiences in blog form has been a huge part of the content on this site. Sports is also a big part of my life, so here are a few of my favorite sports memories.


Basketball Diaries: A friend of mine used to be in the Navy so he would always take me with him on base to play some ball. The competition was always fierce, each time there was always a scuffle that almost resulted in a all out brawl. This one time we were playing 3 on three against some pretty good ballers. One of the guys on the opposing team was like 6'6, and during the game he kept trying to dunk on people. I told him flat out, "Dude, you are not dunking on me. Sorry" Granted, I was damn near a foot shorter than him, but I wasn't being dunked on. I wouldn't get dirty and undercut him while he was in the air, risking serious injury, but I would do what I could to stop him from grabbing that rim. I guess he took it as a personal challenge because the whole game his focus was to slam it in my face. The first time he came down the lane full speed in front of me, and as soon as he began to elevate I stripped the ball. Strike one. The second time he came off of a screen, his eyes got big, and as soon as he began to plant his feet I put my elbow in his chest. Strike two. The third time he almost got me because I had turned my head just in time. He approached the rim and got a little bit off of the air as I wrapped my arms around his waste and football tackled him. He was pissed to the point that he kicked me in the face as we were on the ground. I quickly got up and threw a extremely wild punch that luckily landed very cleanly, stunning him a bit. As he stood up I have to admit I was shook because old boy was "Green Mile Negro" big, I knew that I was in store for a major beating.

Not me, my Male Ego: What do you wanna do?(hands in the fighting position)
Green Mile Negro: I ain't trying to fight up in here.
Not me, my Male ego: Yeah, thats what I thought
Humanitycritic(talking to self): Thank god, that motherfucker was about to beat my ass.

Pele I'm not: My first sports experience was when my father signed me up for recreational soccer. I must of been 6 or 7, but I was the worst soccer player ever. It was funny, even though my father was openly supportive I could tell that he wanted me to be better than I was. I never scored any goal, and most of my time on the field consisted of falling down or getting pushed around. Then all of a sudden the last game of the season I caught fire. With my old man watching my luck changed and I scored my first goal of the season. With his eyes open wide, my dad screamed in from of the coach, parents, and a shitload of toddlers, "There you go goddamn it!! Its about fucking time!" Somehow I managed to score two more goals, making my father go absolutely ballistic. When the game ended he rushed me and said the following, "Where was this talent before?? You are better than any of these motherfuckers!!."

Jump!: When I was in High School I ran Track. I was pretty quick but my specialty was the long jump, but one meet my coach needed me to high jump because we were down by a few points. I had done high jump in practice but I had never done it in a actual meet. Since I'm not the tallest guy in the world a member of the other team said, "We won now! Look who they have doing long jump". In a straight up cocky move, and a decision that angered my coach, I passed on all my attempts until they reached 6'2 because I knew that was my opponents best jump of the season. Looking back it was so stupid, not only because I had never high jumped in a competition before, but also because the height I was attempting was inches above my actual height. My opponent didn't make it to 6'2, but if I missed my attempt he would win since I didn't have a clean jump. The first attempt I missed horribly, the second attempt hit the bar. The third attempt, as my coach was fuming at my tactics, I approach the bar. I jump with all my might, and my back barely touches the bar but I successfully make it over. I run over to my opponent and yell, "Yeah motherfucker", which didn't make the principal happy. Its all good though, I was the hero that day.


Basketball Diaries 2: I was dating a girl who wanted me to go to a work function that she was going to. She always told me how her boss always acted inappropriate towards her, smacking her on the ass, calling her "Sugar", and making suggestive comments. Before we went to her function she begged me not to confront him about it so I hesitantly obliged. When we arrived they had most of the men play a pick up basketball game where her boss was on the opposite team. Early on I noticed that they were trying to take it easy ion the guy, not guarding him and giving him a clear path to the basket. "Fuck that" I thought, so I guarded him like it was the NBA championship. I'd steal the ball from him, I would forcefully back him down when I was in the low post, I'd constantly block his shot, I showed no mercy. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy but I didn't give a fuck. Looking humiliated he came up to me with a bewildered look and said "Good Game", then I smacked him on the ass and said "Good Game Sugar".