Wednesday, April 27, 2005

HumanityCritic See's Dead People!

The other day I was watching "Crossing Over with John Edward", it had to be a rerun because I think it has been canceled. For those of you who don't know, this is a show where the Host, John Edward, has the ability to relay messages from the deceased loved ones of the audience members. I realized immediately that he was a absolute fraud. Not a fraud because i don't believe in a persons ability to contact spirits, but because every time a persons deceased loved one talks to John Edward they always have a positive message to give. You mean to tell me that there aren't any pissed off people that want to curse people the fuck out who are still living. Here is how a day in my life would go if I had the ability to hear voices from beyond, or "See Dead People."

(Alarm clock goes off, HumanityCritic hits the snooze button and goes back to sleep)

(HC's old track coach appears with a sweatsuit on, and a whistle)

Coach: HC, get your black ass up!! (Blows whistle in HC's ear)

HumanityCritic: What! What! Ok, I'm getting up, shit

Coach: Son, you were one of my best long jumpers from 89-91, damn you have gotten chubby son. Couldn't stay away from the buffet table huh?

HumanityCritic: Fuck you! What are you doing here anyway? What do you want?

Coach: When I found out that your lazy ass had the ability to see people like me, I had to come visit. Why didn't you come to my funeral? That hurt me man.

HumanityCritic: I'm sorry, I hate funerals. But I drove by when it was taking place, just couldn't gather enough courage to go inside. Plus, there were so many pick-up trucks and confederate flags outside I thought I would be walking into a ambush.

Coach: Ha-ha. I see your point. Well, I'm off.(Disappears in thin air)

(HumanityCritic takes a shower, then begins to brush his teeth)
(Deceased Girlfriend Sheila gives HumanityCritic a warm embrace from behind)

Sheila: Hey sexy, long time no hear from.

HumanityCritic: What the..Damn girl, I know you are dead but your deceased ass is giving me the stiffest morning wood ever.

Sheila: Still a pervert I see. I thought you would be married by now with a few kids. What happened? Don't answer that, I know you, I know what happened.

HumanityCritic: Yeah, you know me too well. What are you doing here?

Sheila: Well, I am visiting all my ex-boyfriends this week but your ass is the only one that could see me, ain't that some shit? I miss you so much, and I feel that if I hadn't taken that stupid cross-country trip to California we would still be together. You told me not to go.

HumanityCritic: Yeah, I miss you too. I cried like a baby at your funeral and..

Sheila: I know.(begins tearing up) I can't deal with this now.(Disappears)

(HumanityCritic throws on some clothes and heads downstairs to eat breakfast)

(Grandmother appears)

Grandma: Hey you little shit! How is my 4th favorite Grandchild doing? Have any beer?

HumanityCritic: Top shelf to the right. This month I'm the "4th" huh? Seems like I am moving up in the rankings. Hey Grandma. What's up?

Grandma: Why does anything have to be up you dread-locked motherfucker? Look at your hair, you look like a thick black mop!

HumanityCritic: Hey take it easy!

Grandma: But seriously, I have been brought here to tell you something rather important and that is you need to let your dad's death go and stop feeling guilty.

HumanityCritic:I don't feel guilty, you don't know what you're talking about:

Grandma: OK kid, so you are telling me that the information that I received from the almighty himself is wrong? Do you want to be the one that calls God fallible? You want to deal with those consequences?

: (with a look of horror on face) OK, I have been a little guilty.

Grandma: Good, now cut that shit out and move the fuck on with your life. Can't live your life looking in the rear view mirror. I love you, but your regret and feeling responsible for something that isn't there is taking years off of your life.

HumanityCritic: OK, I feel what you're saying. I thought you wanted a beer?

Grandma: (looking down at her body) How exactly am i going to pick that motherfucker up HC? I am a goddamned hologram! I'm outta here. Love you!

HumanityCritic: OK, I'll see you later. Love you too.

(HumanityCritic get in his car to run some errands, suddenly his father appears in the passenger seat)

Father: Hey Son, surprised to see me?

HumanityCritic: I saw my track coach. ex girlfriend, and grandmother in the course of a few minutes, I figured you were next. How are you doing?

Father: Fine: You know hell isn't that bad at all, plus they have better ladies there. What yall hear about hell is just holy propaganda.

HumanityCritic: (with terrified look on face) You mean you're in.. You're in..

Father: Got Ya!! hahahahaha. The look on your face was priceless, no I'm not in hell jackass. Jesus your ass is touchy today!

HumanityCritic: Very funny! OK, everyone had an agenda today, what's yours.

Father: Can't a father see his son? Plus, you really need to get over my death, if you knew the fun I was having you wouldn't feel so bad. Look, I wasn't the best father..

HumanityCritic: ..and I wasn't the best son.

Father: All I'm saying is that no matter what I love you with all my heart and I don't want you to make the same mistakes with your kis that I made with you. Speaking of children, why don't you have any kids yet? Are you shooting blanks, because it isn't common for Critic men to not come with the heat!!!

HumanityCritic: I'll have kids someday, don't you worry.

Father: Anyway I have a crap game to be at with Red Foxx, Johnnie Cochran, Joe Louis, and that motherfucker who hosts that show "Crossing Over", John Edwards.

HumanityCritic: John Edwards? I thought he was a fraud.

Father: Hell no, he's the real deal. Stop hating! (Vanishes)

The end


Brother OMi said...

humor works all the time brother. another dope post.

DaKelzz said...

That was Great Critic....

Never disappointed when I come thru here..

Ghagged said...

I smell tea in the room!!!!!!!!!!Brilliant!

Lene said...

I want to see dead people too! Another brilliant post... KUDOS!!

princessdominique said...

Your hilarity is beyond words! Where do you think up this stuff?

Mahogany Elle said...

*picking myself up off the floor* This was lovely, just lovely!! Especially the grandmother bit :) I will be back here often. (And, p.s. thanks for the shout out)


BronxGrlnVA said...

Very funny stuff.

Nikki said...

Hahaha, that Grandma part was classic!! Fiesty as ever.

melette said...

I love it.

MiniMee said...

I swear. You're the only person that can make me crack up while fighting back tears from something you've written.

Quit making me want to cry, dammit!

But great post. For real. :-)

Amadeo said...

Ah yes another wonderful diversion from my horrid work day...

E to the dwige said...

hmmm Critic first a post about god/religion now about folks talking to you from the grave or heaven...

As usual very entertaining.

Sunnchine said...

No your Father didn't tell you to stop hating??!! ROFL!!!

Nice post HC. And I just got word that you're coming to Chicago for the big party. Woo hoo!!

lindsay-lee said...

This was great once again! The grandma part had me on the floor!

SunShyn said...

You are sooooo funny HC...are the rumors true, tell me, you're coming to Chi???

Brownsoul said...

that was mad funny, critic...

I don't think I'd want to see dead people cuz my grandma Annie would be giving me the hardest time about finding a husband....I'm only 22!

Breez said... usual.

coley said...

Wassup HC...On a serious note, Ima have to remember that line about not living your life looking through the rear view mirror! Take care :)

Rashid @ Old Gold Soul said...

Phenomenal entry....amazing, even.

ShellyP said...

Sheila sounds like a love lost.

I hope you get over the guilt you feel about your father. Time...

greggy said...

I'm thankful I don't have that ability anyway...something like that would freak me out. Anyway, its too easy for fakes to use a persons grief to conjure up just about anything a person wants to hear about someone who passed by using hints and prompts...

Miss Rei said...

Love this post...but not John Edward...I DON'T love his fakin' ass!!! He's a fraud!

Fran said...

"Can't live your life looking in the rear view mirror"

I really liked that line and will have to remember it whenever I start feeling those feelings....ya know.

Fran said...

"Can't live your life looking in the rear view mirror"

I really liked that line and will have to remember it whenever I start feeling those feelings....ya know.

Dayrell said...

You always tell the best stories. LOL.

Goldi said...

John Edward - he may have it. THC sounds like you have some *ahem* karma to clean up.

Toya said...

someone said it earlier that you made them laugh and cry...boy i was about to cry reading this too...i'm too sensitive, but this was a funny post though :-)

josie said...

this was deep

Cynthia said...

Loved it... I see dead people too (just kidding), I only feel them...

sj-the-infamous said...

loveded it!!