Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Praise the Lord! Can I Get a Witness?

Over the past few years I have had friends and family members that have dedicated themselves to the Lord. Even though I went to catholic school, the only thing that i gained from my attendance were the early-teen erections that I used to get from seeing girls in plaid skirts. Overall, I believe that finding Jesus is a good thing if you aren't fanatical about it. The following are some examples of individuals that took their faith on a cult-like level.

Christy: We all know someone that was rather promiscuous back in high school, Christy was the epitome of neighborhood freak. Everyone that I knew had a piece of her at one time, and she had absolutely no shame about all the guys she ran through. This behavior continued up until her late twenties, a couple of years ago, when she found the Lord. I am happy for her, I really am, but every time i see her its like she is giving me a sermon. Not only that, she is very judgmental and talks about how I am a sinner and that I am going to hell if I don't fully embrace our lord and savior. I had been pretty patient to her for the longest time, somewhat proud that she had ceased being a fuck doll for miscellaneous men. I saw her in the store a couple of months ago an when she began to criticize my lifestyle my mouth got me in trouble once again. I reminded her about the time that she slept with the entire football team, had sex with a teacher at our high school, stint when she was a escort, and all of the B Level rappers that she slept with.(Wrecks n effect, MC Brains, etc) I hated to put her in check, but sometimes you need to bring the self righteous types back to earth with their high and mighty routine.

Reggie: I know that I have documented many scrapes and scuffles that I have been in on this blog. But Reggie was so violent and malicious that he made me look like mother Theresa. The guy has shot, stabbed, and maimed people for life and the mere fact that I am still around and didn't get a stray bullet that was meant for him is a small miracle. Honestly, I would bet good money that Reggie has actually killed people, not particularly a guy that you would want around your mother. Fast forward more than a decade and that bastard is a deacon in a church in my town. You would think that he would mask his violent past to the people in his church, but to his credit he embraces it and uses it in his sermons. I mistakenly went to hear him preach one day and he called me out in the front of the crowd, telling the people that he used to cause mischief with me back in his sinning days. No shit, it reminded me of the scene in Malcolm X when his old friend Shorty goes to see him speak and Malcolm tells the people that Shorty represents his hoodlum past. Now that I write this I can't find too much fault in Reggie's transition into religion, but there is one thing. OK, Reggie apparently reads this so here we go. He called me the other day and told me that I should calm down and control my temper. I told him that I found that strange since he is the same person that 1)Threatened a female bartender with a broken bottle because she made him a weak drink. 2)Had to be restrained by me because he was about to beat up his girlfriends mom when she called him ignorant 3)He once chased a guy for 20 Miles on the highway because he cut him off, I was in the car begging him to slow down like a bitch. Come on reg, I know you are a preacher now but save that shit for someone else.

Terry: Terry is a dude i have known for most of my life, and we share a love for hip hop. At least we did until recently, now his new found faith rejects anything Hip Hop related. We were in my car on a Sunday and i was playing some Tribe called Quest. Anyone who knows their music can tell you that they are far from vulgar, and rarely used curse words in their rhymes. When I started playing it Terry took the CD out and said something like "This is the Lords day, don't play that." I not only told Terry "Fuck you", I informed him that he could get out of my car and walk it with his T.D. Jakes wannabe ass. A few weeks later I went to his church and it freaked me out, it was some David Koresh-branch davidian shit. People wearing sandals and beads, chanting and shit, the only thing that stopped me from leaving was this woman that had told me that she would cleanse me of all my sins. Since she had a body that wouldn't quit, I mistakenly said "You can cleanse me alright!" For some reason she didn't find that humorous. All of a sudden they got in line and the preacher was laying hands on everyone and they were falling the fuck out. As I stood in line I wondered, "What if nothing happens when old dude touches me, would that mean that I am some sort of demon child or something??" I got out of line and said to myself, 'Fuck that, I practice catholicism, I have my own fucked up religion to deal with!"

Olivia: She was a manager that I had back in my rapping days. I was with a rap group, and we really started off with a bang and got some citywide love early. She wanted to be our manager, so soon after that we were under her "tutelage". In hind sight she didn't know shit, hired the wackest producers for us, and kind of stumbled her way through the whole process. Did I mention that everybody in my group slept with her except for me. Not saying that i took the moral high ground by not sleeping with her, I was just kept in the dark about the sexual activities of my band-mates and my manager. What resulted was a overall lack of respect for her when she ran through my crew, and our group eventually disbanded. I saw her a few years ago and she is a bona fide Jesus freak. She handed me pamphlets to her church, and a shitload of literature concerning biblical teachings.(Did I just use the word shitload in the same sentence that I used the word "biblical teachings"? Someone please pray for me) As she lectured me about turning my life around, I couldn't get the image out of my mind of 3 of my band-mates filling her from both ends like a pair of fucking Chinese finger-cuffs* in the back of a musty ass van. Praise the Lord!

*fingercuffs is a reference from the movie "Chasing Amy"

29 comments:

Jdid said...

I understand someone turning christian and thinking that they can spread the word to you but some folks go about it the wrong way and just come off like your girl christy. one of my boys from high school did that right after high school. I respected his change and didnt have a real problem with him but when you start dissing me about how much better you are than me because you made a change then thats just not the way to get me to convert and ya best stay out my way

Caren said...

Trying being someone who was raised Catholic, left the Church AND Christianity. People think it's their mission to get me back "on the straight and narrow." There was a woman in my office (who has since quit) who would tell me that one day I'd realize the error of my way and come back to Christianity. It would take my all not to rip her a new one.

Belle said...

I think everyone has at least one former fighter/freak/hoe/thief turned holy roller friend. Mine lives in another state so I can deal with her in small doses. If she were local I'd have to back away slowly.

Nikki said...

It's people like Christy who irk me to no end. They've once lived a wild lifestyle and now that they've gotten their lives together and are straight with the Lord, they now think everyone else is wrong and proceed to tell them why they're wrong. People have to want to accept Christ for themselves, not forced into it. Berating them won't draw them any closer.

Amadeo said...

Chinese finger cuffs, LOL...when confronted by people of this ilk I politely turn them down and then invite them to a "ritual" I'll be attending in the near future. Plus I'm the ignorant person that knows the bible and can quote verses to point out their where they are currently falling short.

Call 2 Arms said...

If the Gospel is hid it is hid to the lost. It takes someone who has been in the world to reach someone who is in the world.

These people are concerned about your eternity, that's love, not "I'm better than you."

I think God can get better use of people like Christy and the others. They were in the world doing their thing, and they've come to God and can truly say, he is so good they want YOU to share in it too.

Good thing about God, is unlike you, he's forgotten their past. Who wouldn't choose a God like that?

Lene said...

^^ if you want to convince a person of something, the worst way is to berate them and slander them. I dont care if it is in the name of Jesus, there is a better way to teach someone about religion than smothering them with rhetoric and misplaced "concern" about our damned souls.

Brother OMi said...

I feel you in so many ways. I cannot stand fanatical Xians. I have no problem with folks trying to preach the Gospel to me (please, i beg people to so i can show them the reality of the Xian religion.in my neighborhood the jesus freaks avoid me like the plaque even the jehovah wickedness). I actually thank the Goddess everyday when i see former hoodlums and freaks become saved cause then i don't have to worry about their misdeeds rushing through me and my peoples.

My problem with Xianity is that it is basically an imperialistic religion. Its adherents are urged to go out and seek new converts in most cases by any means necessary.
Ironically, it was used and still is used, to subjugate and immobilize poor people the world over.

I also have a problem with people encroaching your privacy. if i am in your car and you play gospel music, cool. If i am in your house and you want preach to me , cool. If i am outside and you want to do the same, cool. But if you are in my house and my car, button up your lip, i will kick you out. it has happened on many occasions.

the Bible: it comesfrom the greek Biblios which means many books, so you can use cuss words with it in the same sentence.

oh, humanitycritic, i am going to jump off and use this topic as well in my next entry? is that cool

Blaize said...

Oh yeah..... *LOL*! You're going to hell with gasoline draws on for those last two sentences!!! We might want to chip in for a AC backpack fo' your azzzzz!!!!! *ROFLMAO!!!!*

E to the dwige said...

LMAO! too funny...although I look like a goody two shoes..I guess they feel like I need jesus cause random folks I barely know invite me to their church all the time.

I am Jack said...

This is to one of the commentors before talking about "thank god is not like you"? What in the world is that about? HC eloquently was stating that he thinks its cool that someone finds religion, just don;t act all self righteous and condecending. Also, there pasts are important because they should be less judgmental being what they put themselves through.

Shan said...

Oh HC....LMAO!!!the line between blasphemy and comedy is blurry aint it!!
but, as a christian we should want to emulate jesus. and jesus hung with folks with some questionable pasts (e.g.mary magdalene/prostitute). so if jesus can embrace these people and not judge, then WHO AM I to judge someone else.....judgemental christians kill me, but (ususally) they mean well...

Anonymous said...

yeah

fran said...

I totally agree with nikki....who are we to judge others? You aren't going to win anyone for the Lord acting like that, ya know. So I can understand you getting mad at her for acting that way. Hmph!

blue2go said...

I think that type of christianity is more of a social thing. I know when I was a Jesus freak I was encouraged to bring friends and other people back to the church. It was like a competition of who could get the most! And in any way possible. The biblical ethics of nonjudgement, love the sinners not the sin, and many others didn't seem to be considered very much. It was the social, get together and get more people thing that was operating there. Lots of those groups seem to be like that.

Kozmic_Cocoa said...

Critic, you are such a devil! Visit my blog sometime. I would love to 'hear' your opinion about my entry on the top 10 bass players of all time. By the way, I love the movie Chasing Amy.

Sun said...

I love your blog. Im that person that tries to witness to others about letting their higher power take charge. I try not to be that insensitive "just pray about it" person. Sometimes I just see that people cant get advice or answers from other people and that they should let allah take control. I dont push it though. I have no right to judge, just speak from my own experience. Anyway, thanks so much for hitting up my site. i put you on my fav blog reads list. Your honesty is refreshing.

SMW said...

YEah, some people may go about things the wrong way, but their heart is in the right place.

Sharing about Jesus' love is the BEST way to show someone you love them.

Peace...

G. Cornelius Harris said...

WOW...I'll keep you posted

Toya said...

hey hey hey! aint nothing wrong with being a Jesus fanatic! people are basketball and football fanatics, why cant ytou get excited about Jesus like you get excited at those sport games or concerts? i agree with call2arms and ms tee....but i sure hate it when people can't forget about a person's past...you brought that up to him, why? Thats the one thing i hate that if you're a christian, and you're trying to live right, people want to throw the past in your face...people do change....but that girl is wrong to be judgemental, and people like that give other christians a bad name, and they make people think that ALL christians are like that, when in actuality it's only a few...whatever you do in the open, and what she do behind closed doors, or whatever i do, or john and jane do, if it doesnt line up with God's word, then, it's wrong...she cant be acting like she's holier than thou...she should be striving to be better, that's what thats all about, because if you're a christian, you're not perfect, and i hate when people act like you're supposed to be...like there's no room to mess up....but her being judgemental is a sin, and she needs to take a look in the mirror and see what she's doing, because most of the time when people are like that, they're doing stuff in their life that's similar to that, or they're thinking about it...but just know that they really dont mean any harm, and i know you said it's a good thing, but sometimes people take it the wrong way, but if they're like that, i know that that's really a turn off to some people and they wont win souls that way...they need to find a better approach...and smothering people might not work...you show themt hat you're a Christian by your love and lifestyle...not by being judgemental...ok sorry for the long post! :-) nice post tho :-)

InfamousSkeptic said...

Iselfra i agree with u about xianity being a imperialist faith..but heres a question to the christians in here..and in if i offend any, i am truly sorry, just a question that irks me to death..Why do Black people believe in the same faith that their slave masters did.Adapting a idealogy that my oppressers fed to me, i dont know man, sounds alittle dodgy.Maybe im wrong.I mean, we dont need a history lesson, but we know after slavery our history was kinda wiped out. Would like to get some feedback on this, since we're on the topic.

ShellyP said...

Being a Christian myself, I have to say I agree that there are way too many preaching Christians. As with anything else, people don't want to be sold something. They want to see the benefits, the effects. The best sermon is a life well lived.

Brother OMi said...

TO InfamousSkeptic:

Good question. from my research, I learned that in the United States, slavemasters did not want to convert their slaves. they felt they had no souls (in other parts of the Americas however, this was different particularly in the predominantly Catholic areas where they wanted to convert the Africans and indigenous people). of course, the Africans brought here refused to convert anyway because many felt they would one day return to their homelands.

It was not until the 19th century in the United States where we see mass conversions of the descendants of Africans (usually 1st and 2nd and sometimes 3rd generation born here in the states). this was big during the great revival period of the early 19th century.

At first, slavemasters were appalled but many decided to use it to their own advantage. that was when the slave preacher was created. preachers were used to subjugate the masses.

of course, there were a few preachers who went against the grain and used the Bible to try to liberate the people on so many levels. in some cases being a preacher was one of the few ways to learn how to read and write and pass it on.

but it still trips me out that now in 2005, knowing what we know now, we still follow those imperialistic teachings...

InfamousSkeptic said...

thanks for the reply isal. but repeating what u said. one would assume, with the knowledge we have, things would be different. But we have black people running around talking about how jesus loves u lol. I mean i accept their faith, just do not understand it. Ive seen some black people speak of a "black jesus". I think thats wishful thinking, basically watering down a imperialistic oppressive faith. No offence people , but read the crusades. Xianity did not come in peace. I wonder where the vatican was during slavery, apartheid, the civil rights movement. hmmmm... and isalfra, did u notice how the most die hard black christians reside in the south? i bet there is a black church on every corner in birmingham,alambama. i wonder if there is any connection..

Anonymous said...

Great blog! I hate those hypocritical types. My sister is like that - bless her "beat-my-ass-with-a-wire-brush-kitten-killing-firestarting-pot-smoking-in-my-parents-house" heart. Now she tells me I need to find Jesus - to which I respond - NO THANKS. Just because you found him doesn't mean I have amnesia. Besides I believe Jesus is a verb not a noun - it is what you do everyday and how you treat people, without judgement, that ultimately seals your eternal fate!

SunShyn said...

Judge not lest ye be judged...isn't what the bible teaches..

That, and, let those who are without sin, cast the first stone...

I know I am not well versed on the bible, but I think I was close.

Point being if you are going to use something to teach with, you have to understand what it says.

lindsay-lee said...

I also cannot stand judgemental christians. There are plenty of people who do not recognize their fautls but love bringing other out on theirs. I hate that mess! However, I think some people are really just trying to help. I mean, we all have our faults but that does not mean we cannot try to help other people with their faults. Your friend Reggie owned up to his faults and probably knows he was wrong, but why does that mean he cannot try to help other people out? Like others have said, sometimes people feel so good from devoting their life to God that they just want to share it with others.

dotcomdiva said...

Dude, you need Jesus. LOL.

josie said...

i cant stand it when people want to push their beliefs down your throat. i bascially dont listen