Screw it, Don't take my advice then!

For some reason people over the years have confided in me when it comes to asking for advice. It's funny because most of the time I will go against my best judgment and fuck things up, showing that I can't follow my own advice. It used to make me feel important when people would seriously take what I said with importance, but lately my words of wisdom has fallen of deaf ears. Whats going on?

Mad Max: Max is a friend of mine who I went to a club with recently. We were having a great time, checking out women and causing absolute mayhem. I saw a girl there that I new named Laurie that I introduced him to. They hit it off and they were all over each other by the end of the night. When he was driving me home I gave him some words of wisdom: "Hey man, Laurie is cool but you might want to reconsider messing with her. For one thing it is kind of unsettling when you know 20 guys personally that have slept with her. Plus, a guy was once killed over her so you better watch your step. Also, she seems so unclean to me that after I come in contact with her I feel like I need to take a shower." Max laughed it off, thanked me for the heads up, but informed me that he was a big boy and could handle himself. I replied, "Fuck it, I warned you". About a month later I am playing pool with Max and I notice that he is very silent the whole time. I asked him what's up and he says the following. "Dude, you were right. For one thing I got jumped by one of Laurie's boyfriends and a couple of his friends, they beat my ass good." He then informed me that Laurie gave him a venereal disease damn near immediately. Usually when I was proved right I would gloat, but I just simply responded with a "that's messed up" and continued to play pool.

Three's Company: The brother of one of my band-mates was hanging with us one night. He is kind of a scumbag, but he doesn't bother me so its OK. He had brought up the fact that he was going to bring a second woman into the bedroom to have a three-way with his wife. Everyone was telling him how that was their fantasy, and basically gave him encouragement. I disagreed with the following rant: "Fuck that, that is probably the most overrated fantasy out there. For one thing, I wouldn't do it because having one unsatisfied woman is enough, imagine two mad chicks at you. No thanks. Plus, what if the other woman turns your wife out? Then you my friend, are officially fucked!" He laughed off my comments and quickly changed the subject. Fast forward about two months later and what I said had actually came true. His wife had fallen in love with the woman that he had brought into the bedroom, leaving him alone and regretting that he ever thought of the words "Three-way".

Right-wing Buddy: I have talked about my republican friend Randy time and time again, he is one of my closest friends. I have to admit something. When it comes to the beautiful family that he has, I am kind of envious. When people say, "I am single and loving it" I always want to punch them dead in the face because they are fooling themselves. Being married and having kids is definitely the way to go, hands down. That is why it angers me that Randy is fucking up royally and he is going to sabotage his family. OK, he has been married about 9 months and along with a 5 year old son from a previous relationship, he has a daughter that was born about two months ago. I have noticed a few things over the past few months. 1) For one thing Randy has had women meet him in places that we frequent. From his sons baby sitter, to a friend of his sister. He always claims that nothing is going on and i drop it. 2) About a month before him and his wife first got married, we had went out to have a few drinks. This girl that he knew was there so we all hung out. Danny then drove me home, but I noticed that the girl in question had followed us there. I went into the house to crash since i was shitfaced and left them outside. I woke up about an hour later and something told me to look outside. When i did I see Randy and this chick kissing and hugging on top of his car.(Even worse is the fact that Randy lives only one street behind me.) I have love for Randy, and want to believe that he hasn't been unfaithful to his wife but a lie he once told me makes me question anything he says on the subject. The Lie: He once dated a girl that was named Kate and she looked like the actress Kate Hudson, no lie. They were dating for a few months and Randy swore up and down that he never had sex with her. Well, he told another group of my friends that he was always having sex with her. Who was he lying to, me or them? And, why lie to any of us? Anyway, the final verdict isn't in on this one, I just hope that Randy makes the right decision.

Neighborhood Bar: For years this bar's theme has been a redneck shithole that consistently loses money. A new owner will come along, have a country and western theme, and it turns into an all out dive bar. Fast Forward a few months ago when a new owner took over the place who I thought was going to save the day. He changed the scenery, played more R&B and Hip Hop, and gave the place more life. It was also making a lot more money, so I thought the curse was finally lifted from this establishment. It all started to go downhill with a quickness, and i think I was present when it began to fall apart. See, he can't get rid of the older, redneck, I have one tooth, I used to sleep with my sister, why don't you play more Toby Keith and Waylon Jennings crowd. So some of those dudes were in there one night when i was there and argued with the owner about playing more country and western. I could see them swaying the owner so i said the following: "Dude, you are making more money with the new direction of the bar, why would you change it back now? Plus, take a good look at the individuals giving you this stupid advice.(Grabbing one of the gentleman's head) This motherfucker has two teeth in his mouth!! I wouldn't take advice from any man that doesn't have the good sense to Brush and floss.(Sniffing) Also, the other guy giving you advice smells like a baboons asscrack, come one dude!" OK, maybe i was a bit harsh but I had to sell my argument. Fast Forward about a month and I walk in there and see a group of sorry motherfuckers line dancing. He had changed the format, and withing weeks they are losing money faster than a hooker with a bad cough. Man, does anybody listen to me?