Why are you so mad at me??

I was talking to my mother the other day and she said something that was rather interesting. She said that either people love me or they love to hate me, there is no middle ground when it comes to me. She also said that it wasn't natural the way I enjoy infuriating people over the years. She is half right, I do enjoy pissing people off who deserve it but there have been times where I didn't find any enjoyment in doing so.

My Bandmates: I mentioned before that I am a absolute ham when it comes to performing with my band. They are patient with me, and they simply giggle when I do something that your classic egomaniac would do. From cursing out hecklers, from pouring a drink on a girl who called me "a liberal porch-money" at one of my shows and after-wards throat punching her boyfriend who took offense, and threatening to clothesline a club owner who wanted to stiff us 200 bucks, the band has been patient with all of my antics. Until last month. During one of our songs we have a lengthy guitar solo that I have mastered, so taking(stealing) a page out of Prince's play-book I do the following. 1)I go to the edge of the stage and play the solo 2)I turn my back to the crowd and have a guy that I know prop me up mid fall as I play the solo, the crowd liked that. 3)At the end of the song I toss my guitar in the audience(the guy that I knew caught it) and I walk off stage. Lets just that my bandmates weren't impressed and it is the first time that they were openly pissed. I guess i need to tone it down.

My Bandmates #2: We were struggling for a name early on and we couldn't decide on one. So I thought about using the name "Dirty Sanchez" and the band loved the name. We used the name for a little while, even doing shows under the name "Dirty Sanchez". About a month later one of my bandmates comes to my crib and bangs on the door. I open the door and he says, "I found out what "Dirty Sanchez means you silly son of a bitch! We are changing the name immediately!" See, the name "Dirty Sanchez" is a slang term for a deviant sex act. They wanted to kick my ass when they found out we were actually doing shows under that name. I won't discuss the act on this blog, but for a description of it go here.

New York Ex: We were dating for a little while and our relationship was dysfunctional. We cursed at each other, she cheated on me, it was a disaster. I made the mistake of dating one of her friends, let me explain. I have told this story before but I was dealing with a girl who worked alongside of my girlfriend at the time. I knew this for months and continued to see both of them, even though they were becoming fast friends, I knew that this was going to end badly. When they discovered that they were having sex with the same person my girlfriend called me from work in a "I'm going to stab you" tone. She told me to meet her in front of the building at a specific time, but I knew that was a trap for both women to confront me at the same time. Well fuck that, so I waited for the side fling to vacate then I picked up my girlfriend. The look that she gave me still haunts me to this day, and she continuously pounded me in the chest screaming "You son of a bitch!" Even though I was young and stupid, I regret that I hurt somebody that much.

My Father: My father had the unsettling habit of telling me that I wasn't shit in front of people. I love him, and see a lot of good qualities about him, but that solitary fact I outright despise. On top of it he used to do it in front of some of his friends who used to frequent his auto repair shop. This navy gay named Barry made the unfortunate choice of saying the following to me, "Your father said that you weren't shit, I kind of agree." What the fuck was that? I decided that he had to be dealt with. I had seen Barry in a pool hall where I made sure that the back of his skull became intimately acquainted with a pool-stick. I beat him bloody which infuriated my father to the point that he didn't speak to me for a while. Which was weird because out of all the fucked up shit that I did he was pissed that I beat the ass of a guy who wasn't really a close friend.

Brian: Brian was a friend of mine that I had known for years. He was a cool guy and we had been through a lot together. Anyway, I had gone to a club with my republican friend Danny that I am always going on about. He is my best friend, so if something goes down I have his back. Danny had gotten into a scuffle with some knucklehead that he was arguing with and surprisingly he was handling his business. Apparently Brian was a friend of the guy Danny was fighting so he took it upon himself to kick Danny while he was on the ground. Being the "punch happy" guy that I an I dashed over and rocked Donnie in the face three times, knocking one of his teeth out. As Brian laid on the floor he said, "I thought I was your boy??" Then I replied, "You are but Danny has seniority you silly bastard!" To this day Brian won't speak to me but I understand why.