Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Prodigy, when are you going to jail again?

I'm fully aware that this going to sound absolutely horrible, but historically I've never had a single ounce of pity for any of my black brothers who were deservedly incarcerated - that's why I refuse to send people letters while they are in jail, periodically visit, or ever plan to attend any hamfisted "Welcome Back" celebrations where I'm pressured to toast a fucking ex-con. Now if you find yourself incarcerated under false pretenses, sure, I will protest, pressure my local congressman, my state senator - your favorite pre-ejaculating scribe will do whatever he has to in order to help blind lady justice right what I feel is an obvious wrong. Other than that, fuck you.

Which reminds me: I know that I shouldn't celebrate a black man going to a state run institution, a place where his chances of having his prostate mercilessly treated like a pinata at least triple - but when I saw this video of Prodigy clumsily praising Ron Paul last week, for the first time in my life I didn't mind another black man about to expand the already packed prison population. OK, maybe I'm injecting a bit of hyperbole here, I really don't wish the brother any harm - but black folks routinely look like a geriatric pair of tits every time they blindly support Ron Paul on some "hey look, I'm different" shit. The guy has unseemly racist ties that I've already pointed to here, and I know that I'm possibly placing the knowledge bar too high for the Queens MC - but every time I'm lectured about Ron Paul from some random black person, I think of that famous Einstein quote: "Never underestimate the predictability of stupidity." I'm saying, being an independent thinker and "blazing your own trail" is only cool if you already have knowledge about your alternative route - doing otherwise makes you look like, well, Prodigy.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Hip Hop Post Coital: Queen Latifah

Queen Latifah - "Wrath of My Madness"

Not being a free agent any more is just fucking strange man. Gone are the days of not having anyone to answer to, coming and going as I damn well please - some weeks revelling in playing the "Ted Kazinsky" recluse role(minus the penchant for bomb making), growing a wildly unmanageable beard and not having any contact with the outside world to the point that my family and friend's have to break into my house and hope that they don't discover any rotting corpse smells. No longer can I feel proud about my universal stance of never calling anyone back, I've learned that throat-punching every asshole just because he says something sideways to me only impresses classless broads - and by the way, dalliances that don't consist of "how much for a half hour" inquiries and receipt-less sex is quite nice. Speaking of sex, for a guy who's post coital conversations usually range from "What in the fuck are you still doing here?" to "Stop acting disgusted, its only protein for Christs sake!" - talking about something substantive after sex is such a new endeavor to me that I constantly get the feeling that her utterly interesting chatter is a way of segueing into a break up. Here's the kicker, after the both of us complete a steady diet of some rather dirty fucking, her wondering why I openly weep when I climax and me thanking god that I no longer have to wear 4 condoms and riot gear during sexual encounters - most our conversations are Hip Hop related. I recently called my mother and said, "Well mom, you were right, you always said that I'd end up fucking someone just like myself" in which she quickly replied - "No, I simply told you to go fuck yourself!" Oh.

(The "girlfriend" rolls off of your favorite blogger, grabs a cigarette off the nightstand and smokes it while staring at the ceiling)

HumanityCritic:(looking over) Smoking a cigarette after sex is so fucking cliche.

The Girlfriend:(Reaching over checking my pulse) are fat guys who have heart attacks! You don't worry about my after-sex routines, and I won't remind you that you haven't seen your dick since the third season of "A Different World" - Ok buddy?

HumanityCritic: Fuck you, I work out!

The Girlfriend: Masturbation doesn't count, but seriously, you have to cut down on the late-night snacking and go on a occasional walk now and then - you dying on top of me would severely affect my future social calender.

HumanityCritic: In a "I'm not coming within a square mile of that broad's vagina" sort of way?

The Girlfriend: No, in a "I can't believe she was actually fucking that crazy, chubby reclusive writer" sort of way.

HumanityCritic: You act as if I'm bed-bound or some shit, needing a construction crew to knock-down entire walls in order to get my gelatinous ass out - besides, we just started dating so something drew you to my stocky physique.

The Girlfriend:
Yeah, the first night we met you paid for all the drinks - so view letting you clumsily thrust inside of me as "working off a bar tab".

HumanityCritic: You should really consider penning a Lifetime movie.

The Girlfriend: Oh, and we have the same tastes in Hip Hop - speaking of Hip Hop, what do you think is the greatest female album of all time is?

HumanityCritic:(Thinking) That's a good question, ummm...

The Girlfriend:(Rapping) "Can't you see the music pumping hard like I wish you would - so push it!"

HumanityCritic: You aren't going to tell me that Salt & Pepa's "Hot, Cool & Vicious" is the best female Hip Hop album ever?

The Girlfriend: No, just commenting on your hamfisted love-making style - but really, what is your pick?

HumanityCritic: I'd have to go with Queen Latifah's "All Hail the Queen" - as strongly as I feel that she should never recite poetry over beats again, I'm pretty confident that her debut album is the best female Hip Hop album of all time.

The Girlfriend: Damn, good choice - "Wrath of my Madness", "Mama Gave Birth to the Soul Children", "Dance For Me" - you don't get much of an argument here.

HumanityCritic: I knew there was a reason I liked you.

The Girlfriend: If you liked me so much, you'd stop reciting Kool G Rap lyrics in my ear while we're fucking.

HumanityCritic: I don't like you that much.

Pat Buchanan: The "Statler & Waldorf" of Political Punditry(

Poor David Shuster. The man is having his livelihood carelessly toyed with by a political campaign seemingly more interested in scoring cheap political points than getting their candidate's message out to the masses. With entire news cycles bombarding our collective consciousness with State of the Union snubs, Obama's Ronald Reagan fan-club, Kindergarten era presidential aspirations, Crying on cue, campaign shake-ups, and a Tony Rezko non-scandal being promoted from a campaign headquarters made completely out of glass - forgive me for not being able to tell when the outrage is live or when its Memorex. Even though I completely agree with the point that David Shuster was making, how unseemly it seems for the Clinton campaign to shamelessly send Chelsea out there to woo super-delegates - his remarks that she was being "pimped out" were both wrong and reprehensible, absolutely deserving of a suspension. That being said, the guy apologized, twice, and doesn't have a history of insensitivity to speak of - but the Clinton campaign's eagerness to keep this story alive is either just an example of them "working the refs" so to speak, or making David Shuster a scapegoat for Chris Matthews' history of making clearly sexist remarks about the New York Senator.

But what is lost in Shuster-gate, Chris Matthews' lockeroom talk, and Hillary Clinton supporters the world over feeling as if MSNBC as a whole has some sort of hidden agenda against their respective candidate - is that Barack Obama has it the worst of all since he has the Statler & Waldolf of political punditry constantly attacking him. You remember Statler & Waldolf don't you? The two old and ornery bastards on "The Muppet Show", hating on everything with reckless abandon from the comfort of their balcony seats - this is the image that immediately comes to mind every time Pat Buchanan criticizes Obama ad nauseum. I'm fully aware that Buchanan is an old school conservative, so waiting for him to shower the junior Senator from Illinois with obscene amounts of praise would be a moot point - but his rhetoric is filled with so many Clinton talking points, you'd think that the decrepit fuck worked for the campaign. During Super-Tuesday, before any of the exit polling started coming in - Buchanan was saying that Obama was the "black candidate" and that if he couldn't get over 20 percent of the white vote he was finished. When Obama outperformed Pat's hamfisted expectations of the white vote, he didn't do the journalistically responsible thing and admit his mistakes - he just shifted his venom to another talking point about Obama garnering too much of the black vote was problematic, or something utterly nonsensical like that. The funny thing is, when all else fails and the facts completely abandon his piss poor, agenda driven arguments - he plays dime-store psychic and stuff like "The Republican Attack machine will tear Obama apart!!" comes oozing out the sides of his mouth.

Pat, you are the Jim Kelly of political pundits so just shut the fuck up already - we all know that Hillary Clinton would be an easier general election candidate for people who share your political affiliation. At least now I know that the hand up your ass, making your mouth move that is - happens to be controlled by the RNC.

My daily attempt to resurrect Hip Hop: Kool G Rap & DJ Polo - Road To The Riches

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Hey Bill, "Jesse Jackson" my ass...

When I think about my current obsession with cable news, I now understand the kind of dilemma regular gossip magazine readers are faced with - the inner turmoil of knowing that something is complete and utter horseshit and still feeling compelled to indulge. The regurgitated talking points, the nonsensical political analysis from people who have been in politics longer than I've been alive, how pundits continuously swear by historically unreliable polls as if they were the absolute gospel - despite all that, I still find myself watching and admittedly feeling dirty afterwards, like sleeping with a woman's hideous friend for the sole purpose of giving your buddy a clear pathway to vaginal glory. But despite my lack of confidence in the news media, its pretty easy to wade through the muck and mire that is political punditry depending on the source - for example, take MSNBC. Chris Matthews' hyperbolic diatribes force viewers to take whatever he says with a gigantic grain of salt. Pat Buchanan, the Jim Kelly of political talking heads, almost sounds convincing as he tries to come across as objectively criticizing Barack Obama - if he didn't feel that Martin Luther King was a "divisive figure" and once characterize the Southern Strategy as a "good idea" that is. Not to mention the smorgasbord of "Democratic Strategists" brought out to give an objective assessment of the presidential race who always seem to curiously expose themselves as Clinton apologists. I get it, I have no problem with people who proudly wear their respective agenda's on their sleeves akin to that gossip magazine reader who doesn't mind some editor leaving their journalistic integrity at the door as they publish a story about a Midwestern housewife giving birth to a litter of kittens.

But what I don't particularly appreciate is when a journalist/pundit eagerly tries to mask their clear agenda with a rather hacky feigned concern for the person said agenda is against - enter Craig Crawford. This guy is basically a white Jason Whitlock, presenting himself as a "I don't have a dog in this fight", "Breath of fresh air" media contrarian posing as the sole voice of reason among thousands of opinion givers - but if you look close enough you see that Crawford's agenda is a self-serving one, being a camouflaged Clinton shill. This man has been on cable more than hotel porn as of late, either petulantly complaining that the media is to blame for the national narrative that the Clinton campaign injected race or claiming that Obama injected a racial element by simply having Oprah stump for him - charges that I find both clumsily ham-fisted and psychotically delusional. I mean, as much as the Hillary's campaign is nicknamed "The Clinton Machine", a well oiled 30 year apparatus that supposedly crushes all those who dare impede its progress, an organizational stronghold with a second-to-none ground game and political loyalties lasting for decades - you mean to tell me that she was unable to control what came out the collective mouths of her surrogate's? Bill Shaheen, Bob Kerrey, Bob Johnson, Mark Penn, Andrew Cuomo, Charlie Rangel - if you think all of these unfortunate comments weren't all masterfully orchestrated to turn Barack Obama in the "black candidate", either you are conveniently naive or conveniently on the fucking payroll. Mr. Crawford, I prefer the latter.

But the smoking gun to how criminally lame Craig Crawford is happened more than a week ago when you tried to explain away the video posted above, where an unprompted Bill Clinton out of nowhere blurted out "Jesse Jackson won South Carolina in '84 and '88. Jackson ran a good campaign. And Obama ran a good campaign here." - he claimed that Clinton was just "stating a historical fact", but the "fact" that he didn't cite John Edwards(a person who won South Carolina but failed to be the nominee) and chose to use Jackson as a reference is pretty telling. Dude, you're just embarrassing yourself now.

Oh Bill, by the way, Jackson never broke the 20 percent ceiling in terms of the white vote when he was running - but I want to quote this piece for you: "Even if you don't count Obama's caucus victories in Alaska, Colorado, Idaho, Kansas, Minnesota, and North Dakota, he shattered his previous white-vote ceiling in 11 other states. In eight states, he crossed the 40 percent threshold. In Connecticut, he tied Clinton among whites. In California, he beat her. In Utah and Illinois, he won commanding majorities." So, for lack of better phrasing, you can shove that Jesse Jackson shit up your ass.

My daily attempt to resurrect Hip Hop: De La Soul - Roller Skating Jam

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Barack Obama: "Girls Gone Wild"(

For all the ladies out there who are in the habit of reading my potty-mouthed diatribes, I have to give you credit - even though I sincerely feel that women are smarter than men and can do anything a man can do, I have hardly presented myself as a writer who has been overly sympathetic to the woman's movement. In one post I'll wax poetically about that one time I smashed a beer bottle over some miscellaneous bastard's temple because he had made the unfortunate decision of calling a woman out of her name - and in the very next blog entry, I'll go into crass detail concerning the young lady I consensually sodomized in a funeral home bathroom during my father's wake while whispering sweet nothings in her ear like "You'll be sitting on pillows for a week!!"(Ignoring her incessant eye-rolling) On one occasion I'll sound like a feminists best friend, amongst my drunk buddies I'll passionate declare that the government should stay out of a woman's vagina for good - but just last week when my girlfriend's sister told me that she was putting on a play consisting of all women, I just had to crack a joke and ask "What is it, a period piece?" Then I have to ask myself, am I a raging misogynist or just an equal opportunity asshole? Because even though my pillow talk as of late has consisted of statements ranging from "I'm going to fuck your tits off!", "Act like my penis has that "Cocoon' - fountain of youth pool water in it!" to "..yeah, but your mouth isn't bleeding is it?" - I've also pushed a wheelchair bound man into traffic for disrespecting Rakim, once prompted a priest to call me a "dirty cocksucker", and recently instructed a single amputee who wanted to fight me to "Put his best foot forward".

But what I do know is, despite my less than respectable actions and the fact that I own enough double-penetration pornography to fill up an average-size New York City apartment - I always found something wildly inappropriate about those "Girls Gone Wild" videos. Sure, the guy who created said phenomenon(Joe Francis) comes across as creepy as your garden variety pedophile. Also, speaking as a person who has turned down many drunken advances from women for fear of one day being someones bitch in jail and clutching their pockets as a sign of ownership - there seems to be something morally reprehensible about coercing inebriated women to do anything. But whenever I've seen those late night "Girls Gone Wild" infomercials, the ones where the women flash their breasts with a graphic of a smiley face covering them up - I always feel bad for them, especially when I think about them trying to explain themselves whenever they become respected members of society. I guess at the end of the day, one could chalk it all up to simple youthful indiscretions - but I see a parallel between the young girls who don't see the future repercussions of their actions, and some of the fanatical opposition Barack Obama has gotten from women just because he threatens Hillary Clinton's chances of becoming the first woman president. I mean, especially for lifelong progressives who have are in the habit of smearing Barack Obama at every turn - what are you going to say if the man becomes the Democratic Nominee?

Gloria Steinem: While I respect Ms. Steinem's tireless work for women's rights in the country, I don't particularly respect her New York Times piece - an article that not only plays the historically lame "who's had it worse" game, clumsily adds Hillary Clinton's time as first lady in the "experience" column, but it also insults the intelligence of all the young women who happen to support Barack Obama. To add insult to injury, when she uses this particular line: "Besides, to clean up the mess left by President Bush, we may need two terms of President Clinton and two of President Obama." - it smacks of what so many black folks of my parents generation heard while fighting for Civil Rights, to "wait your turn". As a black man supporting Barack Obama, let me state clearly that people shouldn't vote for the junior Senator from Illinois based on the fact that he has melanin - but regardless of your choice, at least have well thought out political reasons to back up your respective choice.

N.O.W: Recently when Ted Kennedy decided to support Barack Obama on his journey to become the democratic nominee, the New York Chapter of N.O.W(The National Organization for Women) decided to tear old Teddy a new one - with a vitriolic screed characterizing Senator Kennedy's deceision as the "greatest betrayal!" and charging him as picking "the new guy over us." I'm glad that N.O.W as a whole has distanced themselves from the petulant nonsensical hissy fits from the New York Chapter - outside of the fact that Mr. Kennedy has been on the right side of women's rights longer than I've been alive, why can't he support who in the fuck he wants? I thought the feminist movement was about proving that women were just as good as men and should be judged upon their merits - not because someone owes them a fucking favor or solely based on their gender, doing so spits in the face of the feminist movement in my opinion.

Roseanne Barr: Maybe I should start this topic with a slogan, "I read Roseanne Barr's blog so you don't have to!" - because nothing is more of a clearer example of a woman slowly slipping into madness than her Obama, invective-filled diatribes that seem to be heavily influenced by Chrystal meth and too much time on her hands. She now supports Hillary, many people do and I don't take issue with that - but if you simply follow the woman's January archives alone, you get the sense that this is an emotionally tortured individual who feels guilty that she infected all of us with the disease that is Tom Arnold. On her blog first she is a big Edwards supporter who lumps Obama and Hillary in the same "establishment candidate" category. When it became abundantly clear that Edwards didn't have a chance in hell of winning, on top of some asshole who held up a "iron my shirt" sign at a Clinton Rally - she suddenly became an unwavering Hilary supporter. From that point forward it becomes an interesting read, the same way you rubberneck during an accident to see if there are any limbs scattered on the city street - everything from blatant distortions, half-truths, her telling Hillary "A black male president should come after your presidency" - along with entertaining attacks on Oprah, an apology to Oprah, disingenuous support of Obama, her calling Barack "lurch" and his wife Michelle "Shrek"(which was later erased) then back to attacking Oprah. Roseanne, I thought using "Hussein" when discussing Obama was a right wing tactic - you fucking washed up psycho you.

Taylor Marsh: I've got to pretty honest, Ms. Marsh's blog is pretty inconsequential - she's a discredited Clinton shill who does exactly what her masters tell her, to throw as much bile and shit against the wall concerning Obama and hope that something sticks. Everything from unsubstantiated Tony Rezko claims, ignoring Hillary's history of associating herself with some pretty unseemly characters, perpetuating the media embarrassment that was "snub-gate", the grasping of straws argument that Obama has become the "establishment candidate" simply based on who has endorsed him - not to mention her desperate assessment that he was injecting race by simply using the word "hoodwink", and the "Look, he's praising Reagan!" nonsense that has been debunked by anyone with a standard level of reading comprehension. Yes, she's a gigantic fucking hack who spends more time telling us what's wrong with Obama and hardly any viable reasons to vote for Hillary - but that's not my complaint. I just want to know how she got a gig writing for "The Huffington Post"? I mean, that's my dream gig and admittedly I'm a bit jealous - but if a miserable writer/smear merchant is penning articles for them, I know that my time has to be around the corner.

Update: I just found out that Rosanne Barr writes for "The Huffington Post" as well.. Jesus Christ..

Jim Webb: 2008's "Man of the Year"(

Despite my unwavering support for Barack Obama ever since the junior senator first announced his candidacy before the Old State Capitol building in Springfield, Illinois almost a year ago, if Hillary Clinton winds up being the democratic nominee for president, to me she will automatically become the human embodiment of the Michelle Pfeiffer, "Save-a-Negro" character in "Dangerous Minds" - hoping that my vote would help a blond white woman sweep in and save the day once again, from both republican rule and any more horrific Coolio remakes where he butchers the fuck out of a Stevie Wonder classic. Granted, my vote would be a painful one to make based on the Clinton campaign's penchant for smears, distortions, and race baiting over the past few months - but when cooler heads prevail like Eskimo blow-job contest winners, I clearly understand that she is better for the country than any republican in the race.(Even though I sincerely believe that Barack Obama would be a stronger general election candidate) I mean, really - Mike Huckabee? The former Arkansas Governor seems like a nice enough guy despite his love for the Confederate Flag, but he is an absolute Jesus freak who not only thinks that homosexuality is akin to bestiality, but he also feels that we should amend the Constitution to be in lockstep with the bible - oh, did I mention that all he feels that we all should have firearms to defend ourselves against our own government? Mitt Romney? The man will literally say anything to get elected, a plastic politician who looks like Ward Cleaver and what someone said to have "the soul of a game-show host" - in this youtube video that outlines how liberal he was when he was Governor of Massachusetts, the narrator says "Mitt Romney, catch him on the right day and he's Che 'fricking' Guevara!" Word. Ron Paul? Well, you all know how I feel about Ron Paul. John McCain? I'm well aware that the man is a war hero with an extensive record of public service, and I respect the fact that it took absolute courage to withstand 5 years as a P.O.W - but when did the ability to endure an asswhipping automatically make you an authority on everything foreign policy? John McCain is the 50 Cent of politics. Besides, with his recent comments about the possibility of america being in Iraq for another 100 years, his habit of trying to perpetuate the falsehood that the "surge is working", and the sentiment that there will be in fact "more wars" - it is this writers opinion that a "President McCain" would be extremely hazardous to all of our health.

Suffice it today, if the Democratic nominee is either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton, I feel pretty good about our chances come November - based on the proverbial clown-shoes on the republican side posing as politicians that is. Which brings me to the title of this post. There is one man we should all be thanking for the lackluster candidates the republicans have inundated us with over the past year. One person that we should be showering nothing but praise upon if the democrats take the White House in 08'. That man ladies and gentlemen, is Jim Webb.

See, Jim Webb narrowly defeated incumbent George Allen in the 2006 Senate race of Virginia - a man who had not only served as Governor for my home state, but was supposed to be a shoe-in for being the republican nominee in this years election. That's why I consider Mr. Webb to be 2008's "Man of the Year", because George Allen's conservative credentials makes it seem like the man comes out of central casting when it comes to republican candidates. He's no Mitt Romney, with liberal stances like pro-choice and gun control that he doesn't want you to remember now that he's running for president - George Allen has toed the party line from day one, I think he voted with George Bush 99% of the time. He's no John McCain, no one can accuse George Allen of being a "maverick" - while right-wing radio openly bristles at the idea of a McCain nomination, they'd all come together in a political circle jerk if Allen were the nominee. Sure, I find his love for the confederate flag, nooses, and his affiliation with one of the largest white supremacist groups in the country(Council of Conservative Citizens) rather unsettling - but to Republicans, such indiscretions would be considered to be "suring up his base".

"Be Smart. Vote Obama '08"

Since my state(Virginia) won't be voting in a primary for another week, I urge all of you out there to vote if you live in a state included in the Super Tuesday clusterfuck - an Obama vote would be nice, but as long as you vote for someone that's cool with me too.

My daily attempt to resurrect Hip Hop: Big Daddy Kane - Smooth Operator