Friday, July 31, 2009

Helping America become post racial, one brutal beating at a time: Episode One

A few months ago I promised my therapist that I would actively work on my anger issues. Usually I would ignore such silly suggestions of civility and high-mindedness, primarily because I'm of the sincere belief that the ability to exercise ones demons with a well placed throat-chop or a soul crushing clothesline will literally add years to an otherwise miserable existence. But I agreed to temper my behavior. Keep my penchant for backhanding complete strangers to a minimum. Do away with an old pastime of mine where I threaten to mercilessly beat an innocent man just because his significant other lacked the ability to keep her mandible in the closed position. Solely because the horror in my therapist eyes as I told him about the time I pulled one of my enemies out of his car during a funeral procession jarred me back to reality. I mean, my therapist treats murderers, truly psychotic fucks who were probably torturing puppies and setting fires before they could read, black republicans - if one of my more pedestrian tales of violence shocks a person who has heard just about everything, an abrupt change of behavior may be needed.

Besides, it was easy to rationalize a rather Gandhi-like existence from this point forward: I'm almost 36 years old, and a man of my age breaking chairs over people's backs doesn't exactly make me a prime marriage prospect. Despite the fact that I'm my mother's third favorite child(Out of 3), and my mere existence on this earth is based on a lie(My father told her that he had a vasectomy), I'm pretty sure my untimely demise by the hands of a gun wielding person I once throat-chopped would probably suck for her. Also, the prospect of jail time scares the shit out of me. I mean, I could never see a scenario where I commit suicide, I simply love myself too much. But while in jail, if I'm faced with the prospect of being someone's human pin cushion, occasionally holding one of their pockets as a sign of ownership and the other option is killing myself - Goodbye cruel world!

So for a while I had kept my promise, shocking friends as I laughed off sideways comments from drunk assholes, my mother was surprised that I didn't attempt to strangle an incessant talker with my shoe string when we were in a movie theater - to "turn the other cheek" to me usually meant forcefully kicking or punching a motherfucker in the face, but karma-wise I was in an extremely good place. A peaceful HumanityCritic was a good fit, so I thought.

I've decided, based on the weeks of racism that we've all been bombarded with on our television screens, and the unflinching bigotry that I've seen up close and personal since the election - that I'm going back to fucking people up. I'm sorry, the old me is back. Sure, the tea-parties weren't about taxes, it was about spineless mouth-breeding bigots unable to accept a black man in the White House. Texas Governor Rick Perry wanting to secede from the union, we all know what that's about. The birthers, who have been around since the election, are nothing but a bunch of inbred knuckle-draggers who are unsuccessfully trying to hide their vile, lecherous hatred of a black president behind the flimsiest of arguments. But the last two weeks have been my tipping point. The Sotomayor hearings. Legitimate news organizations flirting with the birther movement. The racial fires that media bloviators have no problems fanning. That warm and fuzzy feeling I had when Barack Obama was elected, the visions of United Colors of Benetton commercials of racial unity playing in my head - are officially dead. It's time to make this nation truly post racial, one kick in the chest at a time. Let me tell you what happened on Monday..

Episode One: "Potholes in my lawn"

Because I'm getting back into the "fucking people up" business, excuse me if this story isn't as colorful as I know future reenactments of people getting their racist asses handed to them will be. So hold on to your fucking hat. Anyway, I was driving home the other day when I noticed a man putting a rather gaudy sign in his front yard. The wording on the sign wasn't legible from the distance I was at, but when I got closer it clearly read "Where's the Birth Certificate?" - this son of a bitch lives only a block away for heavens sake! So I backed up my car about 50 meters, drove my car on to the man's lawn with reckless abandon, then proceeded to do donuts like I was Bo and Luke Duke on that extremely offensive sign that I had just obliterated with my car bumper. When the man ran back out of his house, calling me everything but the son of god, I hopped out my car and choke slammed him into his own bushes. To carry the wrestling motif even further, and because I like to make myself laugh during physical altercations - I threw a nasty figure four leglock on that bigoted son of a bitch. It was funny, he kept screaming "Please, for the love of god, my kids will be home soon!!" In which I responded, "You'd think a person who pushes debunked conspiracy theories in the most public of fashions couldn't be embarrassed." Anyway, after I threatened to come back and beat him senseless if he put that sign up, with cotton candy and popcorn to give his kids when they have a front row seat to the mauling of their father - I left. But as I was leaving, his next door neighbor came by and said to the gentleman "I told you what would happen if you put that sign up, that black guy is crazy!" I like when my reputation precedes me.

Eminem - "The Warning" (Mariah Carey diss)

When I was a kid I lived a couple of houses down from a guy that we nicknamed "Crazy Roger", a reclusive Vietnam veteran who my father told me to stay away from because he had "that thousand yard stare". I pretty much obeyed my old man's wishes, kept clear of our anti social neighbor, but the guy was so damn intriguing. Trashy women would come by his house at all hours of the night which meant that he was a fan of tax deductible ass. He was a raging alcoholic, a trash man once dropped his garbage can and a million booze bottles came rolling out. He also hated being seen so much that he would literally run out, snatch his newspaper, and run back in - like a vampire who didn't want to be barbecued in the most public of fashions. Anyway, one Halloween some friends and me thought it would be a laugh riot if we toilet papered Roger's house. I mean, the guy never comes out, what exactly is the risk? Well, I soon found out. Roger came out of his house with a big bamboo stick, something I'm sure Samurai's practiced with - and proceeded to rock our feeble little worlds before the first roll was thrown. Sometime you gotta let sleeping dogs lie.

That's sort of how I view this new Eminem song dissing Mariah Carey. I mean, I saw this verbal dismantling coming a mile away when Mariah dropped that "Obsessed" video.(Mariah, you aren't fooling anyone, that was about Em) Maybe because of the rehab, or the more measured tone he's been exhibiting in interviews, but I guess Team Mariah thought that Eminem was suddenly that dude to fuck with. Stupid. Listen, I have many criticisms of Marshall Mathers: He should stop producing. He shouldn't rely so much on Dr. Dre so much because the man can't carry an album any more. Regurgitating themes from earlier albums. But don't get it twisted, the dude can still rhyme his ass off. Yeah, Mariah deserved this.

Hat tip to RapRadar

President Obama: No apologies

If Barack Obama was one of your weed buddies, he'd be the the extremely inventive one turning a universal remote and a teddy bear into a serviceable bong. I'm sure the president truly regrets even answering the "Skip Gates" question honestly at all, primarily because of the focus that it took off of health care - but as we learned about the President from the race speech he gave in Philadelphia, the man sure is adept at turning a shit sandwich into fine cuisine. Despite the scripted nature of it all, the "Beer Summit" went off without a hitch: It was a great photo-op, the Sergeant expressed some warm sentiments for the president afterwords, and it gets this health care distraction off the front pages. But throughout this whole clusterfuck that just proved to us what we already knew, that this country is "Ramo" and the subject of race is the third rail(Beat Street reference)- I take extreme pride in the fact that the President never apologized. I love him for that. I mean, what exactly did he have to apologize for? Arresting a cane wielding middle aged man in his home after his identity had already been established IS fucking stupid, there's no two ways around that. Maybe Professor Gates could have handed things differently, but I know a lot of white people who would have been irate if some cop was in their home questioning whether they lived there of not.

As for Sergeant Crowley, I have no reason to think that the man is racist. Granted, the "he's not racist" talking points that his defenders trotted out had me throwing up in my mouth just a little bit: "He's not a racist, he tried to resuscitate a dying Reggie Lewis once!!"(As I've said earlier, that doesn't prove that he's not a racist, it just proves that he's not Satan) - "He's not racist because he taught a class on racial profiling for five years!"(I know a priest right now who is vaginally baptizing women with his "holy water". Enough said) But again, I have no reason to believe that the Cambridge Sergeant is a racist. I'm just of the firm belief that the officer made an improper arrest. I don't know what's in his heart so I would never suggest that the arrest contained a racial element, just a very stupid one.

That said, if there is one thing that I have learned from "Gates-Gate" and the masturbatory material racial arsonists like Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck used it as - is that an intelligent black man scares the digested food out of a lot of white folks. That's what all the vitriol spewed by Limbaugh, Beck, and FOX news was all about these past few weeks, all they saw were two highly educated black men ganging up on a white "everyman". Said perception just added gasoline on top of their already smoldering insecurity about the fact that our black President, more times that not, is the smartest person in any room he walks into.

Black people have a shameful history of easing the fears of white bigots. My father was nowhere near being an Uncle Tom, but I noticed that he exhibited a rather accommodating tone whenever he dealt with one of his white customers at his car repair shop. Shit, I've done it! I've found myself in an elevator with a purse clutching white woman many times, and I've flashed a disarming smile and asked "How are you doing to day" just to make her feel comfortable - and I fucking hated myself for it afterwords. That's exactly why I'm glad the President didn't apologize, refusing to continue said shameful practice. People like Rush Limbaugh and Bill Kristol weren't mad at Obama because he didn't apologize for correcting what they perceived to be a wrong, but because he refused to go out of his way to make bigots feel better about themselves. To quote Ice Cube, "Take that motherfuckers!"

Monday, July 27, 2009

The Top 5 "Tell us how you really feel about Sarah Palin" rants..

One of the things that absolutely baffled my mind a few weeks ago, whenever some news commentator would bitch about the incessant Michael Jackson coverage, is how that same whining malcontent would then go and wax poetic about Sarah Palin with a straight face. Regardless of what you thought about Michael Jackson, whether your reactions to some of the decisions he made in his personal life range from a simple raised eyebrow to throwing up inside your own mouth, the man's musical talent was above reproach. The records books are an excellent star witness. His pop culture influence, and the overall influence that he has had on the musical artists that came after him, is one hell of a closing argument. Even the staunchest Michael Jackson haters who believe the worst about him, if they are honest with themselves for even the briefest of moments, can probably rationalize the coverage based on an overwhelmingly impressive musical catalog. Besides, people who voiced their opposition to the Michael Jackson news coverage acted as if the media was a beacon of journalistic integrity before the gloved one met his untimely demise. Get the fuck out of here.

It's the Sarah Palin news coverage that I don't particularly get. Now, full disclosure here, her speech at the RNC scared the ever loving shit out of me. In a utterly vitriolic address that I'm sure Hitler masturbated to in hell, I saw a Washington Generals-esque presidential ticket become pretty viable before my very eyes - a republican electorate that found John McCain rather shrug-worthy got a much needed shot of adrenaline that night from a hunting and gathering Hockey mom. But my fears quickly subsided. See, before her penchant for lying was exposed, all the ethics complaints, cringe-worthy interviews, laughable debate performance, the incoherent ramblefest of a farewell address, the second incoherent ramblefest of a farewell address - I noticed early on that she was a blank canvass by the fact that she kept giving that same fucking RNC speech almost a month later. See, that's what I don't get about the constant Sarah Palin coverage that we are currently bombarded with. Respected newsmen/women camping out in Wahsilla. Pundits being able to sing her praises without being called out on promoting unflinching anti-intellectualism. I'm actually ashamed to live in a country where a person who didn't know what the Bush Doctrine was, or what the duties of a Vice President were, could seriously have their name mentioned as a future presidential prospect.

What I also don't get is how the media has let her get away with being a professional victim. She often complains that her family was viciously attacked, which is bullshit: A family values candidate who preaches abstinence with a knocked up kid is news, sorry. Also, the only people I saw claiming that Trig was actually her baby were bloggers, I never saw a reputable news outfit say anything of the sort. I also reject the off key "the media is out to get me" chorus she has been singing as well. More times than not she's treated with kid gloves, if some panelist even subtly questions her intellectual curiosity they are gently reprimanded - and lets not forget that she has to be the only Vice Presidential candidate in history who never held any sort of press conference. But I do think the former Governor of Alaska feels that criticism directed at her of any form is "unfair", and because some of those fair critiques have been some of the most scathing diatribes that I've ever witnessed - I can see how its easy to have one hell of a persecution complex. Here are 5 of the Most Scathingly Fair Anti-Sarah Palin rants.

5: Matt Damon:

Quotable: "I need to know if she really thinks dinosaurs were here 4000 years ago, I want to know that, because she's going to have the nuclear codes."

4: Fareed Zakaria:

Quotable: "Alaska itself is a very unusual state, 85% of its budget comes from oil revenues. Basically your just distributing oil revenues that have been provided for you by digging holes in the ground. This is good training to be President of Saudi Arabia, not the United States."

3:Keith Olbermann:

Quotable: "Governor? Bill Ayers? Your hubby was in this secessionist hate group for which you recorded a video this year? Governor? Jeremiah Wright? That pastor you credit with helping you become Governor is either a con-man or a psycho, who believes he can tell which woman in the village is the witch and which woman is the Governor!!"

2: Jack Cafferty:

Quotable:(To Wolf Blitzer) "I'm 65 and been covering politics as you have for a long time, that is one of the most pathetic pieces of tape I have ever seen for someone aspiring to one of the highest offices in this country."

1:Carl Bernstein:

Quotable: "She's a demagogue. She's ignorant. She's a flake, and I think that there is a kind of obeisance that the conservative movement has payed to this person. If a liberal democrat were to be in a similar position, conservatives would rightly run her out of town as well as sensible democrats."

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Now THAT'S a skateboarding commercial!

Being that I'm almost 36, the last thing in the world I should be doing is desperately trying to turn the clock back. Don't get it twisted, I'm not talking about botox, facelifts, or submerging my unseemly man boobs in some sort of "Cocoon" fountain of youth pool water. I should be embracing father time, gleefully ushering in each grey pubic hair that makes my nether region resemble a cigar in an ashtray, the day long hangover time I experience whenever I have one too many drinks. But here I am, summoning my teenage yeas like a clairvoyant relaying messages from deceased loved ones - only my Ouija Board happens to have four wheels on it. Skateboarding is my 85' Delorean, and my flux capacitor are the complex tricks that someone of my age has no business trying. This commercial is great motivation.

Hat tip @ Belvedere

Saturday, July 04, 2009

HumanityCritic's DJ Premier Barbecue Playlist

If I'm reminded of one thing on this holiday weekend, it's how my selfishness and fundamental laziness prohibits me from standing by my principles. I fully embrace all the anti-Christmas arguments concerning the historical inaccuracy of it, the rampant commercialism, how billions of people have their hard earned dough embezzled by greedy monuments of consumerism - making the holiday that falls on the 25th of December as impersonal as your local glory hole. Knowing all that, I disregard reasonably well thought out arguments for my unwavering love of receiving free shit. Its the same thing with the 4th of July. Sure, I'm a proud American, but my friends who claim that there is nothing to celebrate based on the historical mistreatment of the black man have a valid point. They really do. Sadly, the aforementioned beliefs will never weaken my love of eating shit-loads of barbecue at impromptu social gatherings - holiday celebrations of this sort that usually lead to me penetrating some low self esteem having out-of-towner who falls for my "self loathing, chubby guy" shtick. I'm sure the mere of sight of me makes true revolutionaries the world over vomit inside of their collective mouths a little bit.

Anyway, while many of you are at someones barbecue, trying to figure out if its a sane decision to eat the food of someone whose laissez faire approach to hygiene has flies circling their person like "Pigpen" from the Charlie Brown cartoons.. Feeling perplexed at how many food dishes are left uncovered.. Grossed the fuck out, taking a mental count of all the grubby, miscellaneous hands that have touched any given food in a ten minute time span.. The stripper who you refused to fuck solely because she was the owner of a nefarious southward smell, well, she's the one who brought the potato salad.(If she neglects her vagina, just imagine the state of affairs her potato salad must be in)

So, if you find yourself in any of those situations, I have the perfect remedy my friend - "HumanityCritic's DJ Premier Barbecue Playlist" - there is nothing like your germaphobia and overall paranoia having its own booming soundtrack. Enjoy.. Be safe out there

HumanityCritic's DJ Premier Barbecue Playlist
(All tracks produced by DJ Premier of course)

Deposit Files

1: KRS-ONE - "Krs-one Attacks"(Intro)
2: Gangstarr - "All 4 The Cash"
3: Macy Gray feat Guru & Mos Def - "I've Committed Murder"
4: Rah Digga - "Lessons Of Today"
5: Nas - "New York State of Mind"
6: The Lox - "Recognize"
7: Buckshot Lefonque - "Breakfast @ Dennys"
8: D'angelo feat AZ - "Lady"
9: Gangstarr feat Nice & Smooth - "Dwyck"
10: Royce da 5'9 - "Boom"
11: KRS-One - "MC's Act Like They Don't Know"
12: Jeru the Damaja - "Come Clean"
13: Gangstarr - "Just To Get a Rep"
14: Jay-Z - "D'Evils"
15: Gangstarr feat M.O.P - "Half & Half"
16: Gangstarr - "BYS"
17: Nas - "Memory Lane"
18: Rakim - "When I Be On The Mic"
19: Gangstarr - "Code of the Streets"
20: Notorious B.I.G - "Unbelievable"
21: Mos Def - "Mathematics"
22: D'angelo - "Devils Pie"
23: Nas - "Nas Is Like"
24: Showbiz and AG - "Next Level"
25: Notorious B.I.G - "Ten Crack Commandments"
26: Bahamadia - "True Honey Buns"
27: Gangstarr - "Check the Technique"
28: Royce da 5'9 - "Hip Hop"
29: M.O.P - "Downtown Swinga 95'"
30: Crooklyn Dodgers '95 - "Return of the Crooklyn Dodgers"
31: KRS-One - "Outta Here"
32: Jay-Z - "So Ghetto"
33: Janet Jackson - "Together Again"
34: Nas - "2nd Childhood"
35: Notorious B.I.G - "Kick in the Door"
36: Bahamadia - "3 Tha Hard Way"
37: Craig David feat Mos Def - "7 Days"
38: Gangstarr - "Full Clip"
39: Torae feat Skyzoo - "Click"
40: Pitch Black - "Its all Real"
41: Cee-Lo Green - "Evening News"
42: Christina Aguilera - "Thank You"(Outro)

Friday, July 03, 2009

Its been a long time..

I know, I know.. I've neglected this site for so long that all of my loyal reader have all but disappeared, the only steady stream of traffic my site sees nowadays comes from miscellaneous deviants who happen to google words like "throat yogurt" and "complimentary reach around". But I'm back, and I would say "with a vengeance" but as someone who has historically underachieved mid-coitus - I'd hate to proverbial "shoot my waad" and fail to deliver the proverbial "money shot".(Sorry) Why the layoff? I guess I didn't really have anything intensely personal to say. Besides, after 4 straight years of emotional vomiting concerning my father issues, and waxing poetic about every story surrounding my black myth ruining, unimpressive penis - I sort of thought that this blog had run its course. Boy was I wrong.