Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Mr. HumanityCritic's Neighborhood

(HumanityCritic enter inside his place of residence, piano music starts to plays)

HumanityCritic sings the following:

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood
A beautiful day for a neighbor
Would you be mine
Could you be mine

It's a neighborly day so don't you act "hood"
A neighborly day for some booty
Would you be mine
Could you be mine

I never fucking wanted a neighbor just like you
If you cut through my yard again your sorry ass is through

So, don't make me treat you like your just a clown
because I'm next door your property value goes down
Would you be mine, could you be mine
Won't you be my neighbor
Won't you please, won't you please
Please won't you be my neighbor

HumanityCritic(putting on Tims, sitting on couch): Hey kids, today we are going to discuss my neighbors one by one and the grief that many of them give me. Some of them are wonderful human beings, and others are what I call "Pains in the ass". Or better yet kids, the word of the day for these individuals is "Hemorrhoids". Can you say that kids? "Pointing to a poster board with the word on it. H-e-m-o-r-r-h-o-i-d-s. Very good kids. Lets walk around the block so I can describe my neighbors to you.

Max and Sherry: This is the couple who lives to my immediate right. They seemed cool at first, but as time past on they have been a royal pain in the ass. First I almost beat Max's ass because a few times he began to build a fence that cut into my property line about three feet. We hired a surveyor to mark where his property ended, he did so by marking it with spray paint and a few wooden posts. This motherfucker had the audacity to move the posts, I know this because I saw his sorry ass do so. When I confronted him about it, in a civil manner I may add, he said, "What in the fuck are you going to do about it?" I laughed and said, "What am I going to do about it you say?? OK", then I put my hands up as if I was going to punch him. Lets just say he didn't want it. Then we have Sherry, who transformed her garage into a beauty shop. Apparently you can do so in your house if you only have one customer at a time. Which is hard for me to picture since she always has a shitload of cars in front of our house. Her customers always try to speak to me by saying, "How are you doing today?", and I always reply with "I'd be doing alot better if you sorry motherfuckers wouldn't park in front of the crib".

Mrs. Betty and Budd: Nice elderly couple who seem that they would do anything for you. Its weird, they are extremely nice to me, but I have the sneaking suspicion that they are extremely racist. Reason for my suspicion. 1) OK, being a white Bush supporter doesn't mean that you are a racist, but their main topic of discussion is "illegal aliens" and "affirmative action". Seriously, they always talk about these things. 2) One time I caught somebody trying to steal my crappy radio. I beat his ass and called the cops. When Betty and her husband came out they said, "You can't let these people get away with their actions". When I asked them what "these people meant" they backtracked and said that they meant "criminals". Their ass didn't mean that! 3) Confederate flags are always a dead giveaway.

Richard: He is a grade school principle who lives across the street. He means well, and I know he is a good person, but he does certain things that annoy the shit out of me. He uses me as his black encyclopedia when it comes to his social questions about black people. Which seems tame enough, but one time he asked me, "why black people get angry when they are called the N-word." I turned to him and said, "You're shitting me right?" Plus, he tries to throw slang in his conversations just because he is talking to me. He will end conversations like, "OK, dog", "peace out gee", or some sort of foolishness like that. When he does that I want to kick him squarely in the chest. The funny thing is that I call him "The Big U.N", because he will date anyone from any nationality. Fine black girls, white, puertorican, for a guy so socially ignorant about African American issues he sure does date some fine sisters. To be honest, because of his variety of women I'm trying to find a way that me and Rich can be friends.

Edward: When I was kid I had a real bad stutter, that diminished with time through practice and maturity. I talk too fast and stutter occasionally when excited, but it is no where as bad as when I was a kid. Because of this I am extremely patient when it comes to individuals who have a speech impediment. That takes me to my neighbor Edward. Ed is a 49 year old Jamaican fellow with a very bad stutter. It is one thing trying to understand a person with a stutter, but throw in a thick Jamaican accent with that and you have trouble. Being the only black folks on the block you would think that we have a lot in common, but we don't. Granted, he has a 25 year old daughter that I want to violate 85 ways till Sunday, but we are polar opposites politically. Besides having ultra conservative views that are vomit inducing, he has expressed some sentiments making it clear that he hates American blacks. That is the main reason why we don't talk as much as he would like. That is like a white person saying, "I hate niggers, but you're ok!". Fuck that.

Renee: Renee is a 43 year old woman who I used to get high with all the time. She is a lovely latina, who you could tell was a absolute knockout 20 years ago. 43 is still young, but a constant diet of alcohol, marijuana, and miscellaneous penis didn't serve her too well. She is cool to me, but her sexual advances even make me feel uncomfortable. She has said things like, "What if I made you my bitch", "I know you want me, drop those pants", and "After I put it on you, I want eggs and pancakes in the morning>" It was easy to simply laugh off her advances, but it quickly became troubling. Not only that, if I was stupid enough to indulge her in any sexual activity, the way she talks to her "boyfriends" is ridiculous. To say that she addressed them like they were children would be a understatement, and HumanityCritic wants no part of that. Now I simply wave to her, as if we never hung out. In a weird way its kind of sad.

HumanityCritic: Ok, that was a brief summary of my neighbors and the certain issues that they have. Me and "Mr.weepers" will see you next time kids.

Mr. Weepers(sock puppet): I might not see you next time kids, HumanityCritic hasn't paid a brother from last time.

HumanityCritic:(Whispering in an angry tone toward Mr. Weepers): I told you you'd get your money motherfucker, don't embarrass me on my blog. Ok kids, until next time!


Lene said...

hahahahahaha... funny post. where did those people come from? it's true about jamaicans though, my parents are so conservative, it doesn't seem real. they don't care about that "black unity" tip either...

blackgirliniowa said...

Wow...I'm impressed that you know your neighbor's names. Do people still do that?

Belle said...

Can you introduce me to Richard?
Just joking...kinda sorta.
Great post :)

Nikki said...

It's official.......you are a stone trip!! Boy do I have some hellafied neighbor stories as well. That Richard sounds like one of my neighbors who tries to throw in her occasional "girlfriend" or "you know what I'm sayin' girl" to interject when we speak.

BronxGrlnVA said...

The Mr. Rogers Remix....Hilarious

Jdid said...

my whole thing on neighbours is stay out of my way i'll stay out of yours

ShellyP said...

I liked this post! Some neighbors you have there. I was surprised too that you know their names.

Brother OMi said...

despite my neighbors in the back of my house, everyone else is cool

it sucks to be you at home. lol

coley said...

Thanks for the laughs.... I bought a house 8 months ago and have only met a few neighbors. Can't seem to remember their names, except for one cute guy. I wonder when people (me included) stopped being neighborly? Why is it that most of us don't take the time to get to know our neighbors...Oh, maybe you just explained that. :)

Sonia said...

My neighbors aren't that bad. I've had some uncomfortable moments with them though. I have a mexican neighbor who's best friend proposed to me not even a month after I moved into my place. And couple weeks after that...my neighbor made and advance..ignoring the fact that he has a girlfriend of 15 years living with them. Other than that they are very intertaining.

I wonder if your neighbors did a post about you what it would be like.

Zantiferous3 said...

^5 to Sonia... I wonder the same thing!!!

I am Jack said...

Cool Post HC, I have been reading you for a while. Someone had said that they wonder what your neighbors would say about you, I kow that answer. They wold say that you are a know-it-all loumouth, who probably comes home drunk on the weekends. Do you want to know how I know that? Because you have given us personal details about yourself, good and bad..lol Just read the blog to learn about the man...(I say that with respect)

Definitely digging the blog..

Ola said...

that was too much...LOL.

Its interesting the whole neighbor issue. Since i moved to the US i don't thing i've ever spoken to any of my neighbors..and i've moved 3 times since. that is sad.

I'm with So' on this also..maybe you should do a post from the perspective of each of your neighbors ::just a suggestion lol::

Dayrell said...

*mental note to self: never come back to Critic's site AGAIN with food or drink in mouth, or you'll be cleaning your computer screen for days*

Nice post Critic. Neighbors make life SO much more interesting, dont you agree? LOL. Love em!

upwords said...

Miscellaneous penis? Okay, you got me on that one.

Real bad.

Thanks for stopping by my spot.

melette said...

LOL!!! This was another classic post. My neighbors are cool. My upstairs neighbor's girl gets drunk and falls down the steps occasionally but he's cool.

PC said...

I got $10 on Budd was sexing down Renee behind Mrs. Betty's back. LOL

obifromsouthlondon said...

hmmm neighbours. strange people. I've given up. can never understand a word (maybe some) of what my Jamaican barber says. Just nod my head politely and keep convo minute. bwai nice wit him f-i-ade an' scissors game still.

ransom said...

NICE! my neighbor is a mutant nascar fan that likes to come over and tell me about my house... i think he likes to stare at my tits too, but that's just my opinion.

Goldi said...

Neighbors...peeping toms,hatahs and the nice-elderly-people-who-dig-me-cause-i-live-alone-and-have-a-job. Then there is the pack of youths who sling and don't live on my block - they are determined that this will not be a "nice working class neighborhood". I guess its because our block is more aesthetically appealing than theirs, so they choose to conduct their business here.

MikiFicki @the Yah OO said...

Have you written a script yet?

Ms. Audacity said...

you have got to be one of the last creative minds on the planet... I laugh to tears when I read your content... Keep up the good work and I look forward to your posts.

jirzygurl said...

there is something so severely wrong with you.... LMAOOOOOOO!

Myrah said...


My neighbors hate black people too. Don't know any of their names except when I get their mail by mistake and then I can't put the name to the house of to the face. I open it to see who they call or how much electric they use and in the trash it goes!! As long as they don't park in my parking space or step on my flowers I got nothing to say to them.

Great Entry

greggy said...

I don't mean no harm but my neighbors scare me to death most of the time...always creeping at all hours making noise like it's a party everyday....not feeling that vibe at all!...I also know a few non-minority co-workers who constantly sprinkles the convo with the same lame "waddup G?" and "hey Daddy-G!" or try to give all these mysterious handshakes when we split...*wtf?*

Jenne said...

i think us white people (not me of course :) ) sometimes do lame things like sprinkle a conversation 'whaddup g' remarks with black people because we're nervous. not nervous *of* black people but really nervous we're going to fuck up somehow, be immediately perceived as racist (we probably *all* are racist in some way to some extent), or not seen as 'down.' thus, the overcompensation. it's like a small dick complex ...

Mala said...

A jamaican with a stutter? Oh lord that's just as funny as a panamanian with a lisp.

J Wood said...

I used to live in Ireland, and in Cork, in the south of Ireland, their accent is just a step away from Jamaican --I don't know why. It's the same lilt, the same cadence, and even some similar dialectical tics, like the way they say "boy." (Almost like "buy.")

But my god, could the Irish stutter. It's almost a part of the language.

So good on ya, boy.