Sexcapades Gone Wrong

During the tenure of my time writing in this blog I have discussed some of the most intimate details of my personal life from painful memories, my love for Hip Hop, embarrassing moments, and things that I need to correct about myself. The following post will continue my tradition of airing out my dirty laundry, which at the end of the day could prove to be quite embarrassing. Fuck it, here are examples of some embarrassing moments in my sexual history.

Say my name, Say my name: I dated this one woman named Rosa and she thought I was the funniest person on earth. I am not that funny, but when I cracked the simplest joke she would burst out in laughter for about two minutes. It was kind of irritating. Another problem with our "relationship" was she always thought I was kidding, which was frustrating in itself. One night, right in the middle of "bumping ugly's", I called Rosa by the wrong name. I immediately stopped and waited for her to go ballistic, looking in her eyes preparing for the onslaught. Then she said, "Boy you are so crazy, stop playing around." What are the chances of a woman not getting mad at being called the wrong name?? Even though I got lucky, I still felt ashamed that I disrespected her with my faux paus.

If the glove don't fit...: At one time I was involved with a woman whose boyfriend had left her and moved across country. We dated for a while, and I was actually happy that we had waited before we consummated the relationship. We get back to her house after a night on the town and we get hot and heavy. I realize that I don't have any condoms and tell her that I'm going to the store to get some. She tells me that her ex had a drawer full and to reach in and grab one. I do just that, but apparently her ex was hung like a horse on steroids. It says, "Magnum Supreme" or some shit on the side and I tell her that I have to use the bathroom. I tried the condom on and lets just say that a man shouldn't go for the "baggy look" when using a prophylactic. This condom was so big I bet you money that her ex had to have a team of tailors to make this motherfucker. I am happy with my size, but I have never felt so inadequate in my life. I must have been in that bathroom for five minutes, trying to figure out how I can finesse this situation. The best I could come up with as I left the bathroom was to tell her, "I'm going to the store because this kind of latex breaks me out." As the words left my lips I realized that it was the weakest thing ever said in history. I get back from the store and we do our thing, if this was a basketball game I would say that I put up a double-double. Not bad, but minutes later ole girl starts giggling and I ask her what in the fuck is she laughing at. She said, "I wanted to see what you were going to do when I gave you those huge condoms, my ex was like 11'and I didn't expect you to be the same size as he was." I then said," He was 11'?? That guy didn't have a penis he had a kickstand!!."

You-can't-be-me-I'm-a pornstar: When I was in college, I dated a girl who had serious aspirations of becoming a pornstar. The same way people talk about becoming a architect or a doctor, she would tell me that her goal in life was to be one of porn's premiere stars. At the time I thought it was a joke since she had a very odd since of humor. But during our sexual episodes I noticed some evidence that made me believe her goal of becoming a porn star. For one thing, her moans and screams seemed so theatrical that many times I had to say to her in a polite way, "Shut the fuck up!" Then when she was on top she would turn around and look at a "imaginary camera" as if someone was filming the whole thing. Even more hilarious would be the fact that she would use strictly porn terminology like "cock", "rod", "shaft", "man-meat" and "beefstick". There was one good aspect of that whole situation though, she always kept me giggling so it kept my mind off of "climaxing", lengthening my performance time. I wondered if she ever fulfilled her dreams..

What in the fuck is that smell?: This is a bit crass but here goes. I had a brief relationship with this girl who went to a neighboring High School when I was a Sophomore, but she moved away and we wrote letters to each other until we got to college. We both had planned to go to "college weekend" at Bush Gardens so we can meet up, catch up on old times, maybe a little extra. We both had rooms in the same hotel so after a day at Bush Gardens we went to our rooms to freshen up, then do a little "late night whatnot". I go to her room and we get right into it, and she gives me passionate "mouth hugs" for minutes. When she was finished I felt that I should reciprocate. But there was a slight problem, when she took off her pants there was a smell that could of woke the dead. Remember when you were a kid watching cartoons, and the image of a bad smell would turn into a fist and hit someone over the head? That's what happened to me, and I didn't know how to tell her that her shit wasn't quite right. But one thing was certain, I don't care if you numbed my tongue, gave me a gas mask, and got me high as a Kite I wasn't going nowhere near THAT. I tried to make some excuse about how I suddenly didn't feel well and that I had to lay down. She blocked my exit and kept asking me why I was leaving and I still couldn't tell her the truth. She interrogated me for a few more moments until the truth came out, and I will always regret that I said the following: "You want to know the truth?? OK, you ain't fresh down there, how's that?? You don't smell that?? I have smelled better scents from week old road kill. The stench is so bad I actually think that I can taste it!" Lets just say that is the last time I saw that High School flame.