Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Hey You!! Put that Microphone Down!(A handful of the wackest MC's)

Besides girls who suddenly find religion and become celibate, republican stalkers who are swinging from the jockstrap and get the bitchslap(thanks for the love everyone) and a incompetent president who makes the U.S look stupid, there is nothing more pathetic than the Wack MC. He has been around since Hip Hop began and will be around until the end of time. I pointed out a few obvious ones, but if some others come to mind please add your input.


Vanilla Ice: Vanilla Ice is definitely tagged with the "wackest of all time" title but I think people overreact a bit. Yes the man was absolute garbage and he should of never picked up a microphone apparatus, but when you look at acts like Lil' John and the Ying Yang twins it makes vanilla Ice look somewhat lyrical. The funniest thing about this particular artist is that I know people who were big fans of his when he first came out and now when I bring it up they change the topic faster than a republican when Bush's national guard service is brought up. The wackest part of this unworthy microphone holder is that his biggest hit, "Ice Ice Baby", was most likely written by a ghostwriter.


Gerardo: Even though the song "Rico Suave" was his only hit, it is so incredibly cheesy that he had to be added to the list. There isn't much I can say about this artist that hasn't been said from Hip Hop critics world wide. Your honor, I present exhibit A.

Well, it's ten o'clock and I'm two hours late
I never said I was a prompt date
But you kept persisting that I meet your parents
Hah, they're going to love my appearance!


I think you see my point.

Freedom Williams: Back in the 90's you have what I call a "just add water" rapper. A R&B artist would have a song, so since they wanted some rap in their song they didn't hire a legitimate artist, just anybody who could rhyme words. Obviously you could easily point out one of these individuals by their lack of rhyming skills. C&C Music factory had one of these rappers in their group, and he went by the name of Freedom Williams. With his slicked back hair and his corny rhyme flow, he abused listeners with a grade school lyrics that truly hurt the ears. The other day I was driving and heard the forgettable "Things that make you go hmm" and I decided to add him to my list. Sounds of wackness.

Benzino: Full disclosure. I hate this motherfucker. The same way you hate the drug dealer who moves in your upscale neighborhood and starts dealing, the same way you hate the priest in your town that was found to be touching kids, the same way you hate our jackass president and the idiotic minions that follow him. I know, that's a lot of hate. Besides being a horrible lyricist, whether it be with his group "made Men" or his solo work, he is also co-owner of The Source magazine. I am in no way a Eminem apologist, but when Benzino had beef with the Detroit rapper he turned the magazine into a propaganda piece against Eminem. I thought the magazine was supposed to be objective? Shit, the magazine was crap before his beef with Eminem, who am I kidding. From his idiotic ramblings or his tough guy posturing, this guy needs to get his ass kicked in the worst way. He had the nerve to say, "I'm the greatest thing since Pac's been alive!" Negro Please.

Snap: I know it seems that I am picking on one hit wonders, but the poor quality of this artist is clearly evident. Even though I have uttered the words "I will attack and you don't want that" after throat chopping some douchebag I had a conflict with, that doesn't excuse the wackness of the song. Beside the fact that the lyrics were sub-par and the video was garbage, the guy rapping looked and sounded like a ugly version of Ving Rhames.(thats saying alot) There was a better version of this song performed by a MC named Chill Rob G, but I still don't understand what the deal was with them sharing the same beat.

Kobe/Shaq: What can i say about the rapping careers of these two that hasn't already been said. Shaq was definitely better than Kobe in the skills department, and he was pretty successful record sales wise. But his "Cat in the Hat" rhyme style took me back to the days of finger paints and mid afternoon naps. Kobe was just pitiful, sounding like a person who just learned English who suddenly decided that they wanted to be a rapper. A friend of mine let me listen to a sample of Kobe's album a few years ago, and when I heard it I was shocked on how wack a human being could be. I feel that 5 minutes of my life was wasted and I can never get them back. Kobe, you owe me motherfucker!!

Marky Mark: Mark Wahlberg has become somewhat respected when it comes to his acting career. But his rapping career is a totally different story. There is a dark cloud that follows Mr. Wahlberg, and that dark cloud is the Funky Bunch. I have to admit that I find joy in some aspects of his music. Ex: When making love I like to quote the song "Good Vibration" by saying to my lover, 'Come on-Come on, Feel it Feel it!!". There is always a horrified look on my lovers face when I blurt that out but it always makes me chuckle. Looking back on some of his videos it makes you cringe because A)The music is horseshit B)The guy had his shirt off more than LL Cool J C)The rhymes were elementary and D)He always had his crew consist of "tough guys" to make him look tougher. His brother Donnie has the right attitude, when asked about New Kids on the Block he is open and always says "We sucked ass". Mark should follow his lead, because every time someone mentions his musical career there is a unmistakable uneasiness on his face. Lighten up Marky!

33 comments:

melette said...

I loved it. Great post. Vanilla Ice was and still is wack.

IL Lake Effect said...

Man, HC'

Do you know how long we been waitin'for this post? Been hintin' around it and *ish...But finally, I feel vindicated.

Feelin this......

DaKelzz said...

*applause*

Could not have formulated a better list my damn self!!

I had even forgot about Gerardo and that Rico Suave bullshit, and he is proof that fame by association does not equate to real talent...LOL

Breez said...

Now I remember why I read your posts AFTER I've finished with my coffee. LOL. But uh, how did Young MC miss the cut? lol

Nikki said...

You are sooooooo on point with this post. Too bad Snow didn't make the list, because Lawd knows he should have.

IsLifeLame said...

good call nikki, i always wondered what category Snow would be in. maybe just the straight up wack department. Being from the Toronto area I've heard my fair share of his crap.

the kid said...

*bwahahahahah* Doubling over with laughter!

rockonlock said...

Oh Critic! How could you forget the piece of crap that Allen Iverson put out 16 bars??

That was pure booty!

tamrock

Anonymous said...

What about Coolio? Garbage!

Lene said...

best list ever. Snow should be an honourable mention. I had to laugh at the "Come on, come on" line. I would be shocked if my man said that too. That's just creepy.

Dee said...

great post...they are all WHIGGEDY WHIGGEDY WHACK!!!

Luke Cage said...

LMAO!! Hey Critic! That ish you said about dude looking like a ugly version of Ving Rhames had me in tears yo! Come to think of it, wasn't that VING RHAMES???

Sankofa said...

"We like da cars, da cars dat go boom. We're Tigra and Bunny and we like DA BOOM!"

HC, how can you forget Le'Trim???

Otherwise, brilliant list Papi.

Jdid said...

Shaq is the greatsest rapper of all times NOT! lol. i still remember that whats up doc song with him and fu-schnickens and i shudder.

woodrow241 said...

We dont see anything wrong with those MCs. They all put it down in there own respective way.

sincerely,
Rappin4tay & The Fat Boys

Sankofa said...

Lord, give me a break Woodrow241...you are either Gerado's mother or some rich, fat, bastard living off off their earnings while they are now washing your windows. Wack is wack is wack is wack. My deaf grandmother evwn knows they are wack. The first step is acceptance. If you can't handle that (not that I am against free speech), then SHUT THE HELL UP.

Sankofa said...

I love you Woodrow :-)

Dayrell said...

LOOOL! Ok, I'm literally dead with laughter over here! I'm with you all the way on this post. Oh and DAY-UM did you bring back some memories with Freedom. LOOOL!

Ok. Along with Kobe and Shaq, I'd like to offically nominate ALL professional altheltes turned rappers to your list HC. Therefore in turn I'd like to (also) add the following: Chris Webber, Ron Artest, Deon Sanders, JR Rider, and of course, like rockonlock said...the all mighty Allen Iverson aka Jewels (I think was his alias, lol). Funny post man. You had a sista almost crying over here.

Oh yea, and damn Benzino for saying that he's the best since 'Pac was alive. You know that nugga was smoking. I can't STAND him! lol. He knows his ass is wack. lol. I never liked Benzino, and have always thought he was a cocky sob. His confidence overpowers his 'true' skill, and we all know that that shit can be deadly combination...as you so kindly exemplified in your post today...lol. Nice post man.

Keish said...

LMAO! Love this post! Did you catch Benzino with LISA RAYE when they released a single last year? You talk about horrible with a capital C! Lord that was the worst video I'd ever seen.

ESP said...

Hey, Coolio's first album is actually pretty decent.

I saw Snap in concert once (introing someone or other). The whole time, we were all asking each other "who the [expletive] is this assclown?" Then he came out and said "I'm gonna finish with my hit The Power" and suddenly we all knew.

Brother OMi said...

ha ha ha
cool picks.
although you did mention the Ying Yang Twins you forgot to add Nelly, 50 Cents, DMX, Eazy E, Ice Cube (Westside Connection and everything else after that), and Coolio (for Gangsta's Paradise alone!)

jirzygurl said...

this is the best damn whack ass rapper list ever!! hilarious... I have to get everyone I know to read this.

Ms. Blaize said...

Ohhhhh boy! I got one for you....

Can anyone say JJFAD? You know.....
(*Tearing up with laughter*) The one that did "SUPERSONIC"????

Now that was a smackdown waiting to happen....

and I'm still waiting!!!!!

Positively Cheryl said...

C'mon C'mon Feel It Feel It. That can't possibly be what you truthfully say to your lover?! LMAO!! Now THAT is whack!! LOL..Lawd chile...my side.

Jdid said...

van damn iselfra picked one that I dont know how we missed. Tell me you're just waiting to do a complete post on Nelly.

BronxGrlnVA said...

Did Woodrow sign off Sincerely, Rappin4tay and the Fat Boys??? LMAO.

An all time wackest rapper list is never complete without MC Hammer.

saga said...

whew - thank you for getting that Benzino thing off MY chest. I've been dislike the Source pre-Benzidiocy, and str8 hatin it post-Benzidiocy.

oh, and msblaize has a point with JJFad, although u'd have to create a whole new post to catch all the whack females...

Safire said...

Hammer was a wack mutha fucka, no doubt, but he had a helluva stage show. You can't front on that.

Anonymous said...

You forgot Will Smith. Ja rule is shit too.

Anonymous said...

I really think BENZINO is the wackest rapper of all time. Did you know his album only sold 75,000 units and he put himself on the cover of the source? and gave himself a two page centerfold??? If you do some research on this guy you will end up hating him a million times more than Vanilla Ice and The Funky Bunch together!!!

The Humanity Critic said...

Theres enough hatred to be spread around equally throughout all of these subpar rappers.

mucho macho said...

THE FAT BOYS WAS NOT WACK...I GREW UP TO THEM, AND THEY WAS THE SHIT BACK THEN, YEAH TIMES CHANGE AND SO DO PEOPLE...THE FAT BOYS ARE OLDER HEADS NOW, AND R.I.P. TO BUFFY THE HUMAN BEATBOX....NOW WHO SHOULD REALLY PUT DOWN THE MIC IS EMINEM....KOOL ROCK SKI AND PRINCE MARKIE D HAD WAY MORE FLAVA THAN YA BOY EMINEM

Anonymous said...

Whoever said "Will Smith" is whack better not be talking about the Fresh Prince. He was the man back in the day and him and DJ Jazzy Jeff were hip hop poineers. Even later he put out a timeless classic in Summer Time.