HumanityCritic's guide to being on TV

I'm not the biggest fan of talk shows or reality TV, but I have caught my fair share of them over the years. Sometimes I sit there in amazement because of the blistering idiocy people on these shows display. Here are a few helpful hints, if you ever find yourself on one of these shows.


Cheaters: OK, your girl thinks you are cheating so she hires the investigative team of this show to basically monitor your every move. They have followed you around, took surveillance of you on dates with other women, filmed you going inside the "other woman's" house making out..Brother, your monkey ass is officially caught

Helpful hint: If the crew of the show "Cheaters" rolls up on you while you are with your mistress and your wife/girlfriend is acting hysterical, don't do the following: Man: But baby, I love you! Who is this you say?? This is my friend, nothing is going on. I love you baby, wait. Wait! You have surveillance of me having sex?? That wasn't me! Please baby, please". My advice: If you get ambushed you should just take off immediately. Don't say a word, run to your vehicle as fast as you can. You save face, and you can beat your girlfriend home and salvage your belongings that she planned to burn.

The Real World: This show gets wacker by the year, but there is one thing I have noticed over the tenure of this show. There are always a couple of cast members that "get together" immediately and that is a big mistake:

Helpful hint: If you are on this show and there is someone on the cast that you want to get close to, it is in your best interest to wait! The reason is because if you get with somebody immediately and things go south you will have a bitter ass, player hating roommate that is constantly talking shit about you for your entire time there. My advice is to wait until the last couple of weeks of the show to, and I quote a classic Ice Cube line, "knock those boots from here to Albuquerque". It will save you a shitload of trouble.

Fear Factor: I don't have any advice for being on this show but something funny just came to mind. I had a friend whose girlfriend went on this show last season. The reason why this is relevant is because he is always telling me when he gives her "oral pleasure" that she doesn't reciprocate. According to him, she says that fellatio is disgusting and that she will never provide him with that pleasure. When he told me that I said, "Wait a minute. Your girl won't go down on you but she feels comfortable eating monkey testicles on national television for money?? Dude. you seriously have to re-evaluate your relationship" We all laughed, but I saw him thinking about what I said. What kind of shit is that??


Maury Povich: Just think there was a time and place when this guy was considered a serious journalist. This show makes me mad simply because of the bottom feeders that appear on this program. The funniest thing is when you have a woman who doesn't know who the father of her child is.

Helpful hint: Ladies, you know damn well that you were fucking like 12 guys when your child was conceived. Don't act all shocked when the first group of guys you hauled out on stage isn't the father of your brat. My advice is to keep that shit private because when you are on the show for the 5th time, and you are on your 15th possible father, that shit isn't sexy.


Ricky Lake: This show is another example of the decline of civilization as we know it. This show has so many clueless people on it I often wonder if they hired actors, because people can't be that stupid. A great example is when men are on the show that are accused of cheating.

Helpful Hint: I don't know if the men on this show are aware that they are on the show for cheating or not, but come on fellas.. When you are in the green room and a beautiful woman starts flirting with you don't you think that you are being set up? I mean, most of these guys look like Biz Markie so what makes you think that a beautiful stranger would let you fondle them within five minutes?? But these guys fall for the bait, and they show the footage to their wife while she's on stage, ignorant motherfuckers.

Judge Judy: I'm sorry but I absolutely hate all judge themed shows. Primarily because the judge tends to grandstand because the camera is on, which is understandable because it is entertainment, but it is irritating because they wouldn't say half the shit they say if it was a actual courtroom.

Helpful Hint: Judge Judy is the worst because you can be respectful to her, and her ass will call you stupid or find another way to disrespect you. My advice: When she comes out her mouth wrong at you just say the following "Bitch, who in the fuck are you talking to?? I might be in here because I owe my ex some rent money, but I am into some thug shit for real. How would you like it if I beat you and your bailiff with your gavel? (Ripping off shirt, quoting Denzel from Training Day) King Kong ain't got shit on me!" Granted, it would get you kicked out of court and the show might not even air it, but just imagine how good you would feel.