Tuesday, March 08, 2005

HumanityCritic's guide to being on TV

I'm not the biggest fan of talk shows or reality TV, but I have caught my fair share of them over the years. Sometimes I sit there in amazement because of the blistering idiocy people on these shows display. Here are a few helpful hints, if you ever find yourself on one of these shows.

Cheaters: OK, your girl thinks you are cheating so she hires the investigative team of this show to basically monitor your every move. They have followed you around, took surveillance of you on dates with other women, filmed you going inside the "other woman's" house making out..Brother, your monkey ass is officially caught

Helpful hint: If the crew of the show "Cheaters" rolls up on you while you are with your mistress and your wife/girlfriend is acting hysterical, don't do the following: Man: But baby, I love you! Who is this you say?? This is my friend, nothing is going on. I love you baby, wait. Wait! You have surveillance of me having sex?? That wasn't me! Please baby, please". My advice: If you get ambushed you should just take off immediately. Don't say a word, run to your vehicle as fast as you can. You save face, and you can beat your girlfriend home and salvage your belongings that she planned to burn.

The Real World: This show gets wacker by the year, but there is one thing I have noticed over the tenure of this show. There are always a couple of cast members that "get together" immediately and that is a big mistake:

Helpful hint: If you are on this show and there is someone on the cast that you want to get close to, it is in your best interest to wait! The reason is because if you get with somebody immediately and things go south you will have a bitter ass, player hating roommate that is constantly talking shit about you for your entire time there. My advice is to wait until the last couple of weeks of the show to, and I quote a classic Ice Cube line, "knock those boots from here to Albuquerque". It will save you a shitload of trouble.

Fear Factor: I don't have any advice for being on this show but something funny just came to mind. I had a friend whose girlfriend went on this show last season. The reason why this is relevant is because he is always telling me when he gives her "oral pleasure" that she doesn't reciprocate. According to him, she says that fellatio is disgusting and that she will never provide him with that pleasure. When he told me that I said, "Wait a minute. Your girl won't go down on you but she feels comfortable eating monkey testicles on national television for money?? Dude. you seriously have to re-evaluate your relationship" We all laughed, but I saw him thinking about what I said. What kind of shit is that??

Maury Povich: Just think there was a time and place when this guy was considered a serious journalist. This show makes me mad simply because of the bottom feeders that appear on this program. The funniest thing is when you have a woman who doesn't know who the father of her child is.

Helpful hint: Ladies, you know damn well that you were fucking like 12 guys when your child was conceived. Don't act all shocked when the first group of guys you hauled out on stage isn't the father of your brat. My advice is to keep that shit private because when you are on the show for the 5th time, and you are on your 15th possible father, that shit isn't sexy.

Ricky Lake: This show is another example of the decline of civilization as we know it. This show has so many clueless people on it I often wonder if they hired actors, because people can't be that stupid. A great example is when men are on the show that are accused of cheating.

Helpful Hint: I don't know if the men on this show are aware that they are on the show for cheating or not, but come on fellas.. When you are in the green room and a beautiful woman starts flirting with you don't you think that you are being set up? I mean, most of these guys look like Biz Markie so what makes you think that a beautiful stranger would let you fondle them within five minutes?? But these guys fall for the bait, and they show the footage to their wife while she's on stage, ignorant motherfuckers.

Judge Judy: I'm sorry but I absolutely hate all judge themed shows. Primarily because the judge tends to grandstand because the camera is on, which is understandable because it is entertainment, but it is irritating because they wouldn't say half the shit they say if it was a actual courtroom.

Helpful Hint: Judge Judy is the worst because you can be respectful to her, and her ass will call you stupid or find another way to disrespect you. My advice: When she comes out her mouth wrong at you just say the following "Bitch, who in the fuck are you talking to?? I might be in here because I owe my ex some rent money, but I am into some thug shit for real. How would you like it if I beat you and your bailiff with your gavel? (Ripping off shirt, quoting Denzel from Training Day) King Kong ain't got shit on me!" Granted, it would get you kicked out of court and the show might not even air it, but just imagine how good you would feel.


Nikki said...

As far as The Real World goes, the only good seasons to me were the very first season in New York and the one in San Francisco.

Danja said...

I have to admit that I am a notorious fan of reality television. In fact, Im one of the few in my circle who loves to watch people look really fucking stupid on TV. Better them than me.

When I take a day off from work, I admit that I sit in front of the TV and watch court shows. Divorce court, judge hatchett, judge judy, texas justice, people's court, judge mathis, everything. These people are on serious grades of crack-cocaine and given the work I do, I am always interested in seeing crackheads on television.

Maury "You're Not The Father" Povich's career has gone straight to hell. And to think, they are bringing Current Affair back.

Jerry Springer is another one who has slipped into this cesspool of debauchery and nonsense, but watching trashy folks swing chairs at each other feeds some deep appetite inside of me.

Anonymous said...

i just don't even get why people go on those programs (Maury,etc.). why? would you want the whole television watching world, to know that you were cheated on, lied to, used, etc.? man, i'd just let who ever it was that cheated on me, etc., go and go 'bout my business, quietly.

Jdid said...

what can I say! Ecellent use of a classic cube line. Good point you made to your friend about his girl and fear factor. What about the 'sexy decoy' on Maury. chick is not good looking at all. Oh and doesnt Maury just make you lose any faith i women if you eve had any. Yes Maury I'm 100% sure he's the father, he's the only man I ever slept with. then when it turns out he's not the father you comeback with three other guys. what da f?

GeckoGirl said...

You've got me cracking up over here. I would LOVE to see someone go off on Judge Judy!

Anonymous said...

The monkey balls? That was hilarious.

Brother OMi said...

>>>>Wait a minute. Your girl won't go down on you but she feels comfortable eating monkey testicles on national television for money?? Dude. you seriously have to re-evaluate your relationship" <<<<

gar ha ha ha ha haha ha , too funny homie

I am a big fan of reality TV (when i can watch TV...) ...

but i dislike the Real world beacuse of how they treat brothers... real sad..

I would love to be on Fear Factor, dude.

Raycita said...

Cheaters is the best!

summer m. said...

cheaters and maury povich are two of my favorite shows.

i'm very proud of this.

Fran said...

LMBO @ "King kong ain't got sh*t on me."

Judge judy gets on my last nerve, I just feel like getting her lil stick there and smacking her with it. Argh!

You forgot to mention jenny jones with the "DOOOOOOON HAAAATE, SHOOOOOOO'" girls. ;D

I love coming here, you always got me laughing so hard, but I'm just always lazy to comment. Ehhhhh! *xoxo*

Dayrell said...

Lmao @ what you said about the monkey balls! If that ain't true in a crazy, weird, and twisted way, I don't know what is...lol!

I'm like Danja, I can be a sucka for becoming somewhat of an addict to reality TV as well. I really enjoy it, but honestly I only enjoy it most when random acts of violence take place...lol...I don't know why? I guess like most Americans I just like TV w/ lot of violence...lol.

Only thing I can't stand about reality TV, is when they try to make a "character" out of everyone casted...then that's when I feel like it becomes somewhat of a hoax at that point...however it's funny how I still stay a sucka though...lol. :)

And about Cheaters...I STILL don't understand how undeniably stupid some of the people who get caught cheating, can be...lol. Don't think I'd ever get that ish.

G. Cornelius Harris said...

Judge Judy is the jump off...I'll keep you posted

peachy said...

I am a true fan of Judge Judy. I never miss an episode. The only people that hate her show are the ones that are wrong. She really is a smart cookie, and she makes you look stupid if she catches in a lie, or you are just plain dumb. Can't fault her for that.

I like the Apprentice and a few of the other reality shows. I never saw Cheaters and can't stand Maury or Jerry Springer. Ricki Lake still airs? hee hee.

ShellyP said...

Aah, Critic, you are too much! lol

gonebabygone said...

I hate all of these shows but I especially hate Maury. He thinks he's doing these women a favor by bringing them on tv and figuring out who their "baby daddy" is but he's really using them as fodder. If he really wanted to help them he would start a program to send them to school, place them in jobs and get them counseling to up their self-esteem and learn how to get along without a man. Oh and a shopping spree would be good too because there is a gross misuse of spandex amongst his guests.

SunShyn said...

funnny...Ricki Lake is still on the air...?

Sunnchine said...

You remember that old dude from last season's Chappelle's show who was in the camera saying: "Hollahollaholla...hollahollahollla....hollahollahollahollaholla!!" and Dave Chappelle was cracking up?

I saw that dude in some outrageous episode of Maury from like 98. hmmm, seems to me that Jerry Springer ain't the only one using actors!

josie said...

i understand your point with Maury. Plus, what gets me vex with him also is when the women run off the stage from lie detector results, he follows them and just keep pouring the bad news.

man, i would run maury from me.

Anonymous said...

Why it's OK for judge Judy to call poeple stupid on the show? She need someone to tell her the truth about herself. I'll do it.


0nlyt1m3us3r said...

Judge Judy is fake by the way... same with Jerry Sienfield, i dunno bout those other shows like Cheaters, but.... America blah blah blah plus some law shit, prohibits anyone being on video, pictures etc... being posted on TV or the internet, this protects the citizens plus some shit. So in order for Cheaters to broadcast the "cheater", the film studio would need his consent, or else they could be liable for a class action lawsuit. =) dont believe everything u watch on TV

0nlyt1m3us3r said...

LOL i mean Jerry Springer damm all this weed smoking is makin my intelligence the equalivant of a black man

I am Jack said...

"LOL i mean Jerry Springer damm all this weed smoking is makin my intelligence the equalivant of a black man"

Was that even a coherent sentence jackass?? You might need to smoke more weed, to be as smart as the black man.