Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Sexcapades Gone Wrong

During the tenure of my time writing in this blog I have discussed some of the most intimate details of my personal life from painful memories, my love for Hip Hop, embarrassing moments, and things that I need to correct about myself. The following post will continue my tradition of airing out my dirty laundry, which at the end of the day could prove to be quite embarrassing. Fuck it, here are examples of some embarrassing moments in my sexual history.

Say my name, Say my name: I dated this one woman named Rosa and she thought I was the funniest person on earth. I am not that funny, but when I cracked the simplest joke she would burst out in laughter for about two minutes. It was kind of irritating. Another problem with our "relationship" was she always thought I was kidding, which was frustrating in itself. One night, right in the middle of "bumping ugly's", I called Rosa by the wrong name. I immediately stopped and waited for her to go ballistic, looking in her eyes preparing for the onslaught. Then she said, "Boy you are so crazy, stop playing around." What are the chances of a woman not getting mad at being called the wrong name?? Even though I got lucky, I still felt ashamed that I disrespected her with my faux paus.

If the glove don't fit...: At one time I was involved with a woman whose boyfriend had left her and moved across country. We dated for a while, and I was actually happy that we had waited before we consummated the relationship. We get back to her house after a night on the town and we get hot and heavy. I realize that I don't have any condoms and tell her that I'm going to the store to get some. She tells me that her ex had a drawer full and to reach in and grab one. I do just that, but apparently her ex was hung like a horse on steroids. It says, "Magnum Supreme" or some shit on the side and I tell her that I have to use the bathroom. I tried the condom on and lets just say that a man shouldn't go for the "baggy look" when using a prophylactic. This condom was so big I bet you money that her ex had to have a team of tailors to make this motherfucker. I am happy with my size, but I have never felt so inadequate in my life. I must have been in that bathroom for five minutes, trying to figure out how I can finesse this situation. The best I could come up with as I left the bathroom was to tell her, "I'm going to the store because this kind of latex breaks me out." As the words left my lips I realized that it was the weakest thing ever said in history. I get back from the store and we do our thing, if this was a basketball game I would say that I put up a double-double. Not bad, but minutes later ole girl starts giggling and I ask her what in the fuck is she laughing at. She said, "I wanted to see what you were going to do when I gave you those huge condoms, my ex was like 11'and I didn't expect you to be the same size as he was." I then said," He was 11'?? That guy didn't have a penis he had a kickstand!!."

You-can't-be-me-I'm-a pornstar: When I was in college, I dated a girl who had serious aspirations of becoming a pornstar. The same way people talk about becoming a architect or a doctor, she would tell me that her goal in life was to be one of porn's premiere stars. At the time I thought it was a joke since she had a very odd since of humor. But during our sexual episodes I noticed some evidence that made me believe her goal of becoming a porn star. For one thing, her moans and screams seemed so theatrical that many times I had to say to her in a polite way, "Shut the fuck up!" Then when she was on top she would turn around and look at a "imaginary camera" as if someone was filming the whole thing. Even more hilarious would be the fact that she would use strictly porn terminology like "cock", "rod", "shaft", "man-meat" and "beefstick". There was one good aspect of that whole situation though, she always kept me giggling so it kept my mind off of "climaxing", lengthening my performance time. I wondered if she ever fulfilled her dreams..

What in the fuck is that smell?: This is a bit crass but here goes. I had a brief relationship with this girl who went to a neighboring High School when I was a Sophomore, but she moved away and we wrote letters to each other until we got to college. We both had planned to go to "college weekend" at Bush Gardens so we can meet up, catch up on old times, maybe a little extra. We both had rooms in the same hotel so after a day at Bush Gardens we went to our rooms to freshen up, then do a little "late night whatnot". I go to her room and we get right into it, and she gives me passionate "mouth hugs" for minutes. When she was finished I felt that I should reciprocate. But there was a slight problem, when she took off her pants there was a smell that could of woke the dead. Remember when you were a kid watching cartoons, and the image of a bad smell would turn into a fist and hit someone over the head? That's what happened to me, and I didn't know how to tell her that her shit wasn't quite right. But one thing was certain, I don't care if you numbed my tongue, gave me a gas mask, and got me high as a Kite I wasn't going nowhere near THAT. I tried to make some excuse about how I suddenly didn't feel well and that I had to lay down. She blocked my exit and kept asking me why I was leaving and I still couldn't tell her the truth. She interrogated me for a few more moments until the truth came out, and I will always regret that I said the following: "You want to know the truth?? OK, you ain't fresh down there, how's that?? You don't smell that?? I have smelled better scents from week old road kill. The stench is so bad I actually think that I can taste it!" Lets just say that is the last time I saw that High School flame.

47 comments:

Panama said...

Son...that Magnum Supreme shit KILLED me!!! I'm still over here laughing at that.

I used to date this "practicing" porn star too. Similarly, the shit was irritating as the f*ck. No pun intended.

Me said...

LOL ... too funny. All I could think about is Martin, You So Crazy. "Smell dat, girl. Smell dat. I ain't been out the house in a week. That's you."

"... Rosa and she thought I was the funniest person on earth. I am not that funny..."

Bullshit.

Sunnchine said...

Okay, first of all, you girl was a dayum fool for laughing when you said the wrong name. I'm so mad she was amused by that *smh*

The Magnum condom episode was hilarious!
The best I could come up with as I left the bathroom was to tell her, "I'm going to the store because this kind of latex breaks me out." As the words left my lips I realized that it was the weakest thing ever said in history. ROFLMBO!

The fake "porn star" - no comment

I feel so bad for your girl in high school. That has to be the worst! I know she was embarassed, but I bet she took care of that from then on, lol!

Nikki said...

LMMFAO@the last story. Yeah, bad smells can put a halt on the mood.

lindsay-lee said...

LMAO!!!! Oh my goodness, I am still laughing. I am sure that girl knew she wasn't so fresh and so clean and I am sorry you had to endure that.... too funny!

Dee said...

You are sooo funny...great post!! I have some funny "sexcapades" maybe one day i'll post about them...I'm glad you told stinky poo cause she needed to know....she probably knew she wasn't "right" cause you as a woman...you just have to smell any lil thing....even with your nose stuffy...you just know....LOL

Belle said...

ahahahaha! That magnum supreme dilemma whoo boy! Priceless.
Your high school friend..,how embarrasing...but I bet she got it straight. Good post.

the kid said...

*lmao* at the whole post *slapping knee*

ROTF

Lene said...

Best. Post. Ever.

summer m. said...

where do you find thses women?

Jems said...

Hahaha, hilarious.

E to the dwige said...

This is too funny..isn't it great when you're able to laugh at yourself.

The Magnum episode is priceless..

Tha G Perspective said...

This kind of latex breaks me out. That's funny. The smell one reminded me of one of my own situations. What I didn't understand was that I was waiting in her house for like ten minutes while she was bathing. I was thinking do they not have soap or water in your tub?

Fran said...

LOL!!! Exactly, where DO you find these chicas? Maaaaan! I hope that girl learned her lesson and now scrubs her choochiewoo EXTRA EXTRA hard. Pffft!

LB said...

Lawd help me....this was funny. I would say that your second and last stories were top blog material on their own, lol.

jonetsu said...

VERY FUNNY! Yeah, any chick should know what's goin on down there. Sorry you had to go through that, but thanks for sharing!

grayse said...

Yeah this whole post had me laughin for real. I cant think of anything evenly remotely close in my sex life... *sigh* I need some excitement LOL

Jdid said...

funny. that magnum supreme story is the best. i'm betting you put in a franchise player type performance because you were afraid you werent measuring up, lol.

Berry said...

ROFLMAO

Sasu...aka Balsera said...

Ok you know what..i am going to stop reading your bog when i am at work.....YOU ARE INSANE!!!!
VRAITMENT.

asdfasdfasd said...

bruh, i'm so fukkin glad i wait till the end of my workday when nobody's around to read ur shit cuz if i had people near my cubicle they'd be duckin their heads in to see what i was laughin at.

Toya said...

wow, just wow@the smell and the condom....

Bridging The Dock said...

i'm too flabbergasted to comment - YIKES!

Mary said...

I was going to quote the lines that made me literally L.O.L but then I realized I'd be putting your whole post in the comments. Hilarious from beginning to end. Whooo.

Now I'm wondering if any ex "partners" have a blog....

Liza Valentino said...

LMAO@ kickstand...11"...gawddamn...how tall was she? That's the type of shit that breaks a girl in half.

Funny as hell, as usual...

Sivad said...

ROFLMAO. that's it.

gonebabygone said...

LOL...kickstand! That's great!

plotty said...

I don't know what's funnier. You or the shit that happens to you. lol

and i have been a victim of the "what's the hell that smell" too.. it's one thing to "not be so fresh", but damn as soon as I unzip your pants? HELL NAW!

Golden... said...

" He was 11'?? That guy didn't have a penis he had a kickstand!!."HILARIOUS! Boss almost caught me! lmao!

josie said...

man, you life has had to been interesting, that post was the best.

kashata said...

Hahaaa!.You keep in coming always!.Rosa was a dumbass for falling for that.
p/s:with that whole"i am not that funny"bit boy..you know you're fishing.

Yolie said...

Oh no to the hell you didn't. This whole thing was hilarious. And the last one did me in. I.cannot.read.you.at.work. I need my job. LOL

Zantiferous3 said...

ROFLMAO I'm mad at the porn star looking at the imaginary camera... ROFLMAO... that was really hilarious.

I'm EXTRA mad at the smelly chick (and the N.E.R.D. reference LOL). LOL... terrible. just horrible.

Positively Cheryl said...

I can hardly write i'm laughing so hard. *dead*
Punani road kill!!! LOL!!!

c-breezy said...

Hilarious!!! If a scent hits you in the face like that...there is something else going on that soap and water ain't gon fix. Good thing you did walk out, you might have went down there and came back with a disease. Gross.

Safire said...

Man, the cooter box is like an ice box. When it starts smelling bad, take the time, clean that mutha fucka out.

Luke Cage said...

I woke the dead this morning brah. I laughed so hard that I had tears. They almost had to escort me out of the building from disturbing my fellow employees. Good mix of humility and laughter for a Friday morning buddy.

"He didn't have a penis, he had a kickstand!" - lmao

Danja said...

"That guy didn't have a penis he had a kickstand!!."

OH MY GOD

I am so glad I came across your blog. I will be sure to come back and continue reading

Breez said...

OMG!!!! I don't think I've laughed this hard at a blog in all my days!!!! KICKSTAND!!! YOU DON'T SMELL THAT!!!!! Priceless.

Brother OMi said...

personally, i would have stayed in the bathroom dude. lol

another banger (literally) from one of the best bloggers out there

mindful said...

but no, wait? she couldn't smell that shit? ugh... this is pure comedy, from beginning to end...

Anonymous said...

you are are too honest, so funny and on the money at the same tiime . . .

On the other side of the spectrum . . . My ex he shouldn't be buying magnums and I hint to him I'm not into the condoms that he has yet it re-appears . . . sorry-- ill fitting condoms is a HUGE turn off for me . . . and if that girl was playin w/u -- it's just wrong . . . As for the stench thang . . . it's about self awareness and common courtesy to the person who is doing the deed unless she is dating a a guy who's into that sh*t then , . . so all be it.

Anonymous said...

you are are too honest, so funny and on the money at the same tiime . . .

On the other side of the spectrum . . . My ex he shouldn't be buying magnums and I hint to him I'm not into the condoms that he has, yet it re-appears-- sorry-- ill fitting condoms is a HUGE turn off for me . . . and if that girl was playin w/u -- it's just wrong . . . As for the stench thang . . . it's about self awareness and common courtesy to the person who is doing the deed unless she is dating a a guy who's into that sh*t then , . . so all be it.

Anonymous said...

you are are too honest, so funny and on the money at the same tiime . . .

On the other side of the spectrum . . . My ex he shouldn't be buying magnums and I hint to him I'm not into the condoms that he has, yet it re-appears-- sorry-- ill fitting condoms is a HUGE turn off for me . . . and if that girl was playin w/u -- it's just wrong . . . As for the stench thang . . . it's about self awareness and common courtesy to the person who is doing the deed unless she is dating a a guy who's into that sh*t then , . . so all be it.

Olderman said...

Sounds like my ex-wife (smelly), the odor could be sensed when she walked in the room, dressed. She worked in an office. She wore a dress, a slip, pantyhose and panties to work. You put on all that synthetic fabric and sit on a vinyl chair of eight hours a day and that thing is gonna need cleaning. She always refused to bathe at night, liked to shower fresh for work. Gave me urinary infections over and over. Man am I glad she left me.

Anonymous said...

who really gives a f*** so you got laid by some drunk/blind/insane women at some point during your sad life..

The Humanity Critic said...

"who really gives a f*** so you got laid by some drunk/blind/insane women at some point during your sad life.."

I thought you would care, it being your mother that was on the business end of my throbbing cock.