Friday, February 11, 2005

Embarrassing moments in my Marijuana History


Even though it has been a great while since I have smoked marijuana, I have embarrassing memories of things that I have done while under the influence of said drug. It's weird, when it comes to alcohol I am friendly and pretty jovial when I've had one too many. But there is something about marijuana that doesn't agree with me. Here are a few true stories concerning my deplorable marijuana history.

Speed Racer: A few friends and I were driving home from a concert that we had went to. We had gotten high at the concert but the marijuana didn't kick in until we were half way home. I felt that I was speeding, and my friends kept telling me to slow down. I ignored them, and continued to race down the street. Then the cops pulled us over. When the officer approached me he said, "Son, do you know how fast you were going?" I said, "I don't know, pretty fast huh?" The officer gave me a bewildered look and said, "You were going 7 miles an hour!!!"

You know I love your momma!!: My ex's mother would call all hours of the night and basically have nothing to say. I secretly despised her but we all know to keep those sentiments to yourself when you are in a relationship. I had smoked some weed with my homeboy and I came to our apartment high as a kite. Around 3:30 in the morning her mother calls again with no agenda as usual. I answered the phone in a marijuana haze and said, "What in the fuck do you want?? Get a fucking life already!" As soon as those words left my mouth I knew I was in trouble, and I was. But I must admit, it was pretty cathartic to get my true feelings off my chest. We all should do that more.

Is there a doctor in the House??: My friend Alex was having a party to celebrate the engagement to his current wife Susan. During the course of the festivities a bunch of us got high in Alex's back yard. Everything was cool until I felt my heart racing. I played it off for a while, hoping that the rapid heart palpitations would calm down but they never did. I started to freak out, asking everyone in the party to check my pulse. I kept saying, "Don't let me die in this motherfucker!!" I was bugging out. I had a group of people around me praying like I was going to die. I scared the shit out of everyone who was in attendance. To this day I feel bad because I ruined what was supposed to be a very special occasion. Alex, if you read this blog, I'm sorry.

Last call for alcohol: I used to go to this specific bar all the time and this girl used to work there named Olivia. She was Cuban and was by far the finest physical specimen I have ever seen. I'm not insecure,(ok, maybe a little) but this girl was definitely out of my league. I would talk shit to her and it never worked, until one day she had said that she wanted to go out with me. So we went to dinner, a little dancing, alcohol..it was a pretty cool night. Then we get to her apartment and she pulled out some weed. Something told me not to but my dumb ass did anyway. As we got into it she gave me, well, what I affectionately call "the neck and the scalp massage"(mouth hugs, add your own obscure reference). While she was doing her thing I fell asleep. That night I learned that I snore and I can't be woken up if I have smoked weed. She told me that she put a condom on me and rode me while I was asleep. I don't believe that. But just think, I might of had sex with the most beautiful woman that I have ever seen, and I don't remember one second of it because I was asleep!! Shit..

Cursing out the Rev: Ok, you know earlier when I said that I hadn't smoked weed in a while?? Well, that was a lie. The weekend after the election I was still sort of in a state of anger because the country had just re-elected the "Barney Fife" of presidents. I was invited to a dinner party that a friend of mine was having, but before I went there I stopped by a friends house and got high. I didn't intend to, but I did. When I arrived at the party we got into a conversation about politics. This preacher went on about 10 minutes on how the country "chose right" when they re-elected Bush. He was saying that John Kerry was for abortions and that is why he told everybody who came to his church to vote for Bush. As he went on and spewed this bile, my temperature started to rise until I just exploded. In yet another marijuana haze, I said the following: "That has to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard. OK, people in your church are struggling, have members of their family that are in Iraq, unemployed, don't have health care.. and you tell them to vote for Bush because of "abortion"? You are a jackass! You and all those other "sweaty Baptists" I see on television Sunday morning, misleading their own people. You betray our trust!" The night ended with him saying something about me going to hell and me responding with some witty expletive. Lord, even though I don't think he was a legitimate messenger of yours, please forgive me..

34 comments:

Bridging The Dock said...

sir, were u high when u wrote this?

sorry, i just couldn't resist ^_^

Liza Valentino said...

And this is why I don't smoke.

Alcohol is bad enough for me. I never want to see myself under the influence of the ganja.

Your stories are pretty funny though!

Kenya said...

LMAO @ the speedracer story! I'm at work and busted out laughing. I know everyone is probably wandering what the hell was so funny. It kinda reminded me of a story a friend of mine told me a couple days ago...
Him and his friend were driving while they were smoking what they considered to be some "bad weed" and the driver swerved and got pulled over. The cop walks up to the car and asks "Have you been smoking marijuana?" One of them said in a completely serious and aggravated tone "Yeah but it was some bunk shit though. I can't believe I wasted my money on this." The cop laughed and was so shocked by his honesty that he let him go and told them to just be careful.
Me personally, I won't fuck with it. Everytime I do I start getting a little too analytical about anything and everything and I always end up vomiting all over the place...not a pretty picture.

Lene said...

lol.. I love the Speed racer and the wedding story. I remember one time I did that, I asked people to stop my heart for me. No more weed for my ass, I will get high on life... or something...Actually, I will stick to booze, I love booze.

Rocka said...

Remind me not to get high with you... lol ... cute post...

Rocka (rockaonline.com)

Tha G Perspective said...

7 miles an hour. That's funny. Oh and "Earlier, when I said I hadn't smoked in a while...That was a lie." Hillarious.

Me said...

as much as i hate drugs i have to admit that post was pretty funny and i laughed. i use to know some people who did marijuana and they acted like complete idiots. i'm glad i knew them because that made me not ever want to get high for nothing.

btw, thanks for stopping by my blog. :)

LB said...

I almost felt high when I read this. This was a funny ass post.

Mar said...

I love that post, it sounds like, uh, me. . .One time my friend Alex and I smoked up and went into a grocery store to buy munchies but he just grabbed a box of cinnamon chex off the shelf, opened it, and started eating, and just walked out. A security guard stopped him and he said, "Officer, I'm sorry I just had the munchies real bad and I saw the cereal and I just couldn't help myself." The security guard let him go, on the condition that we smoke him up on his lunch break. We did.

Sankofa said...

Hummmm, are you sure that you aren't still getting high? You know it tends to make you forgetful. It also leads to bad decision-making. Hurts the ones you love yada yada yada. Who am I kidding? I'm high right now....ROFL

Sankofa said...

JK

Jdid said...

Hilarious! just hilarious

Brother OMi said...

mad mad funny. yo son, i am crying.. this is too funny. oh gawd. I am glad you told that preacher wrong, i can't stand them. don't be afraid to go to hell,they can't send you...

you konw what i tell them when they tell me that ? : "good as long as you and i are not in the same place for eternity, i am good."

but the speed racer joint is hilarious. you a funny dude.

SMW said...

Damn. I really felt like I was high while I was reading this.

You did a great job!

Thinkerbelle said...

You got high after the election? That is news to me. Going off on the rev? Priceless!

E to the dwige said...

Now that was too funny..*smh* dude you're hilarious..

plotty said...

don't worry, the rev needed to hear that.. lol

as much as i smoke weed, i don't have any embarassing story's to tell. now get me to talkin about some "drunken" stories..lawd ham jesus!

Schatzi said...

That's some funny shit! BWAH @ Speed Racer.. 7 mph? Priceless!

melette said...

The message from this post is to never smoke weed.

summer m. said...

this might be the funniest shit ever.

Mariposa said...

Your stuff is great and as always makes me laugh that loud, kinda dorky chuckle kind of laugh. Right on!

Ms. Blaize said...

Wow now that's some funny junk! I'm not a smoker but I had a friend who was high as the sun and decided to call me as he drove home. According to him, he had to cut the smoking session short when his boy said some really ridiculous shyt... the kind that makes you wonder what you're really smoking!
He said that he was about to go because he was hungry but dude kept trying to keep him there and even said that he ordered some food. An hour later he asks him where he ordered the food from because it wasn't showing up. His boy said," Waffle House."
(Waffle house is like a scaled down IHOP and DOES NOT deliver!). He decided that if messing with that stuff would have him talking like his boy then he needed to stop smoking right then and there. He left with the quickness!

*junglefevAh* said...

LMAOcan't say that i can relate because i smoke the ganj every day :o)
but it's not for everyone, i know quite a few people who don't smoke because it makes them a little crazy o_O

Anonymous said...

I know I'm late reading this, but I had to say, the preacher deserved that s***.

victoria said...

you are a pretty funny dude. i used to drive incredibly slow, too. i stopped smoking cuz i get all weird and think too much and stuff...but it used to make for some hilarious times.

Black Ambition said...

Oh my goodness. I can't believe you cursed out a preacher. Too funny.

Sean said...

dude, you don't get happy high, you get freaked out high man, that ain't cool

Anonymous said...

speed racer story is fuckin hilarious and anybody who doesent smoke weed is a bitch

Anonymous said...

The pot did not get you high at the concert?...what kind of trash were you smoking?...I can get you some great pot that will get you high in a toke or 2! Pot is much safer than booze....booze ruins more lives than any other drug....in fact its at the top of the worst ten drugs.....mary jane is near the bottom of that list...all you drunks should quit drinking and start smoking pot....less car deaths....less violence...less liver problems and fattness etc.etc...ps...you also sound like a loser

The Humanity Critic said...

"ps...you also sound like a loser "

PS, your mother's a fucking loser - cock smoking clown. Don't let this blog shit get your ass whipped, or have a gentleman with a writing prowess slice your Achilles tendon while stuffing a sock in your mouth..

episiarch said...

Yeah, you made all this shit up. And you probably never smoked very much at all.

Don't lie to make friends. It doesn't work.

HTH HAND

The Humanity Critic said...

"Yeah, you made all this shit up. And you probably never smoked very much at all."

Well, you would be wrong - I can tell that hasn't been the first time for you..

"Don't lie to make friends. It doesn't work."

It worked on your mother, so I know I'm doing something right.

Anonymous said...

You suck at getting high only a dumb ass would do what you did in your "story's" r-tard

The Humanity Critic said...

"You suck at getting high only a dumb ass would do what you did in your "story's" r-tard"

Actually, your mother happens to be a retard who sucks - explains the outrageously sloppy blowjobs..