Embarrassing moments in my Marijuana History

Even though it has been a great while since I have smoked marijuana, I have embarrassing memories of things that I have done while under the influence of said drug. It's weird, when it comes to alcohol I am friendly and pretty jovial when I've had one too many. But there is something about marijuana that doesn't agree with me. Here are a few true stories concerning my deplorable marijuana history.

Speed Racer: A few friends and I were driving home from a concert that we had went to. We had gotten high at the concert but the marijuana didn't kick in until we were half way home. I felt that I was speeding, and my friends kept telling me to slow down. I ignored them, and continued to race down the street. Then the cops pulled us over. When the officer approached me he said, "Son, do you know how fast you were going?" I said, "I don't know, pretty fast huh?" The officer gave me a bewildered look and said, "You were going 7 miles an hour!!!"

You know I love your momma!!: My ex's mother would call all hours of the night and basically have nothing to say. I secretly despised her but we all know to keep those sentiments to yourself when you are in a relationship. I had smoked some weed with my homeboy and I came to our apartment high as a kite. Around 3:30 in the morning her mother calls again with no agenda as usual. I answered the phone in a marijuana haze and said, "What in the fuck do you want?? Get a fucking life already!" As soon as those words left my mouth I knew I was in trouble, and I was. But I must admit, it was pretty cathartic to get my true feelings off my chest. We all should do that more.

Is there a doctor in the House??: My friend Alex was having a party to celebrate the engagement to his current wife Susan. During the course of the festivities a bunch of us got high in Alex's back yard. Everything was cool until I felt my heart racing. I played it off for a while, hoping that the rapid heart palpitations would calm down but they never did. I started to freak out, asking everyone in the party to check my pulse. I kept saying, "Don't let me die in this motherfucker!!" I was bugging out. I had a group of people around me praying like I was going to die. I scared the shit out of everyone who was in attendance. To this day I feel bad because I ruined what was supposed to be a very special occasion. Alex, if you read this blog, I'm sorry.

Last call for alcohol: I used to go to this specific bar all the time and this girl used to work there named Olivia. She was Cuban and was by far the finest physical specimen I have ever seen. I'm not insecure,(ok, maybe a little) but this girl was definitely out of my league. I would talk shit to her and it never worked, until one day she had said that she wanted to go out with me. So we went to dinner, a little dancing, alcohol..it was a pretty cool night. Then we get to her apartment and she pulled out some weed. Something told me not to but my dumb ass did anyway. As we got into it she gave me, well, what I affectionately call "the neck and the scalp massage"(mouth hugs, add your own obscure reference). While she was doing her thing I fell asleep. That night I learned that I snore and I can't be woken up if I have smoked weed. She told me that she put a condom on me and rode me while I was asleep. I don't believe that. But just think, I might of had sex with the most beautiful woman that I have ever seen, and I don't remember one second of it because I was asleep!! Shit..

Cursing out the Rev: Ok, you know earlier when I said that I hadn't smoked weed in a while?? Well, that was a lie. The weekend after the election I was still sort of in a state of anger because the country had just re-elected the "Barney Fife" of presidents. I was invited to a dinner party that a friend of mine was having, but before I went there I stopped by a friends house and got high. I didn't intend to, but I did. When I arrived at the party we got into a conversation about politics. This preacher went on about 10 minutes on how the country "chose right" when they re-elected Bush. He was saying that John Kerry was for abortions and that is why he told everybody who came to his church to vote for Bush. As he went on and spewed this bile, my temperature started to rise until I just exploded. In yet another marijuana haze, I said the following: "That has to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard. OK, people in your church are struggling, have members of their family that are in Iraq, unemployed, don't have health care.. and you tell them to vote for Bush because of "abortion"? You are a jackass! You and all those other "sweaty Baptists" I see on television Sunday morning, misleading their own people. You betray our trust!" The night ended with him saying something about me going to hell and me responding with some witty expletive. Lord, even though I don't think he was a legitimate messenger of yours, please forgive me..