Friday, February 11, 2005

HumanityCritic's Superhero Confirmation Hearing

News Reporter: I am standing outside of the Justice League Headquarters, where the confirmation hearing of the HumanityCritic will take place. Some people think that the humanitycritic has a uphill battle since he doesn't have any obvious superpowers. It should be an interesting day, lets go to the hearing:

Superman:(banging gavel) All right everyone settle down!! HumanityCritic, welcome!

HumanityCritic: Thanks

Superman: I'm not going to beat around the bush here. We don't think that you are qualified to be a superhero. Listen, when you bitchslapped Rush Limbaugh and made him weep we all applauded you for that. When you paid those ghetto chicks to beat the brakes off of Ann Coulter, we all had a huge laugh around the office. When you battled Bush on the White House lawn we all gave you mad love. But come on, those aren't superpowers..

HumanityCritic: Why not??

Superman: Well, it says here that your powers are "Dismantling black conservatives, promoting Real hip hop, loving loose women, and having the ability to leap strip clubs in a single bound." Is this a joke? These are not superpowers!

Spiderman: I agree. Superman can fly and has super strength. I can climb walls, shoot webbing and a ton of other shit. Batman, Wonderwoman, all bring something to the table. Reading your blog, the only thing you bring is your love of Hip Hip, hate for Bush, and you have been in a shitload of bar fights. Big fucking deal!

HumanityCritic: If I become a superhero, I think that I can offer a service to the community that none of you can. See, I'm a asshole, and I think that through my influence I can make people see that venting their true feelings can be very therapeutic, thus making their lives better..

Wonderwoman: Go on..

HumanityCritic: Not only that, these conservatives must be stopped. Most of you have tried to be non-partisan when fighting crime and I applaud that, I really do. But, I would work tirelessly to systematically show the pimp hand to whoever needs it. Bill O'Reilly getting out of control? I will go to his show and beat him in front of his viewers. A black conservative making you ill? Not only would he be on the business end of a pounding, I would tie his ass to a chair and force him to watch "Roots" on a 24 hour loop.

Batman: Not bad..

Wonderwoman: Pretty good.

Spiderman: Wait a minute!! Don't let him sway you.. You don't have any real superpowers!! We could make you a special suit, but you would just be a regular guy inside the suit. Then what would you be?


Batman: Hey, take it easy..

Spiderman: Cute. Plus, if we make you a superhero you would just abuse your power in the first place..

HumanityCritic: True, I would a little. But you must admit, saying "You know I'm a superhero" has to be a instant panty dropper!

Aquaman: Works all the time bro!

Spiderman: Ok, I feel you on that. If we make you a superhero you would be even more mischievous than you are now. I am sure that you would cost the city millions of dollars due to your shenanigans!

Wonderwoman: You would be a embarrassment!

Superman: Think of all the lives you would risk..

HumanityCritic: Hold on! Spiderman, you have the audacity to talk about "costing the city millions." I'm not the one that leaves his webbing all over town, costing the city a fortune to clean that mess up. Plus it is disgusting, it looks like sperm that a giant might leave.

Spiderman:(clearing throat) Well..

HumanityCritic: Wonderwoman, I'd be a embarrassment? I'm not the one who moonlights at a job that clearly makes you the embarrassment of this entire group. I'm not going to say what job you do in your spare time, but the hooker boots and the skimpy outfits are a dead giveaway.

man in audience:(yelling) I thought she looked familiar, she works at The Flaming Vagina as a Dancer!!

Wonderwoman:(looking nervous): I'm not a dancer..

Batman: Well your ass does come to work with glitter all over your body, and certain days you do smell like a bums nutsack..

Wonderwoman: Your ass didn't complain about the "smell" last night!!

HumanityCritic: Superman, you are the most hypocritical of all

Superman: In what way??

HumanityCritic: You talk about me risking lives, but how about all the women you have killed over the past few years because you keep trying to fuck non-superhero women. The government has covered up hundreds of women that you have killed because you can't keep it in your pants..

Superman: Listen Jackass, I will break you like a twig. Who in the hell are you talking to? I am the strongest man in the world and you try to embarrass me? You know what, I'm going to end you now!!

(Superman begins to get up, but then HumanityCritic reaches in his pocket and tosses a piece of Kryptonite at him)

Superman:(nervously bobbling the Kryptonite, screaming like a bitch)

HumanityCritic: That's what I thought tough guy, sit your ass down!

Superman:(Breathing heavily, recovering from the Kryptonite): Ok, enough of this, we will deliberate and come back with our final decision:

(20 minutes later)

Superman: After a vigorous debate, one that I have lost, we Herby make HumanityCritic a honorary Superhero, Congrats HumanityCritic!!

(crowd erupts)

(Superman walks over to HumanityCritic and shakes his hand. Smiling, he whispers in HumanityCritics ear)

Superman:(whispering): If you ever try to play me for a fool again I will tear you to shreds mother fucker..

HumanityCritic: Ok

Superman: Say a few words to the good people of this city.

(HumanityCritic appraoches the podium)

HumanityCritic: I want to thank all the superhero's who voted me in, the people of this city who supported me, and my family. I want to thank Ray-Ray, little Suge, Big Hank at the barber shop..

Batman:(whispering to Wonderwoman) This miserable bastard is giving shout outs!

HumanityCritic: I plan to protect this city from the ills that plaugue it. Uncle Tom Negro's, Hip Hop detractors, women who don't give it up on the first date, shit like that. Also,..

Man in crowd:(standing up yelling) Get your damn hand out of my pocket!!

(HumanityCritic dives behind the podium.)

Superman:(helps HumanityCritic up) What is wrong with you??

HumanityCritic: Nothing, Don't worry about it..(goes back to the podium) Thank you everyone, I will do the best job possible.


News Reporter: It's official, HumanityCritic is now a legitimate superhero. Black republicans, Jah Rule fans, and all around republican scum have something new to worry about... and that something, is the HumanityCritic!!!


IsLifeLame said...

once you reveal to the world that Bush Jr. IS infact Lex Luther, you will def be on the fast track to the JLA hall of fame!! Good luck in your quest.

tamrock said...

Damn, Spiderman was hating on your ass big time. Gahdamn webslingin wuss.

Aquaman seems to be your only supporter in the hall...but watch your back, he could be easily manipulated!

Belle said...

Congratulations! Wonder Woman always looked skankish.

Jdid said...

congrats man but yo what happened to the other post. You know the one. I was bawling at the barmaid story.

melette said...

Hilarious!! I'm digging your blog!!!

deborah said...

All these inner voices HC... is the blog acting a medium for therapy. Cute and original nonetheless. Keep it up.

Oh and by the way... what is your cereal of choice?

Sankofa said...

I'm glad somebody finally put Batman's poser-ass out there! A rich guy with cool toys...

BUT...I take offense to you disrespecting my girl WW!!!
Those aren't hooker boots...they are specially made to protect her legs...we all know that!!!

But I still love you...

I am dying at the X reference...

Brother OMi said...

yo homie. dug the story, BUT as a true comic afcionado, Spiderman and the Super friends do not live in the same universe. get it right homie...

you should write fiction dude.

SunShyn said...

HC...too you gotta get us a pic of your superhero costume...

summer m. said...

i sleep better now that you've been confirmed. thanx for protecting the world, critic. haters like me need you.

Sam said...

Here's my thing. While I'm a big fan of the League, why wasn't Grean Lantern John Stewart there, or Black Lightning? You wouldn't have had any problems getting on then. I'm glad you ade it on the team, though. Ja Fool needs a good bitchslap once in awhile.

kozmic_cocoa said...

- Geez, what was Spiderman's problem. His old hating ass should go back with his Marvel Comics buddies. The Justice League is with the DC Comics Crew. You wouldn't have this problem trying to join the Hellfire Club. Damn...did I just geek out?