I know that this will be the most hated post I have ever written, especially from the females who view this blog. Let me apologize beforehand. OK, lets get down to business:
This post is dedicated to all the men who have ever cheated and been stupid about it. In no way do I condone cheating, and now that I'm older I see the cowardice in it. But I have had friends, 3 to be exact, come to me and tell me that they got caught recently. They shouldn't of cheated in the first place, but how stupid they were inspired me to write a guide for all the men who have ever been caught because of their utter stupidity..
1. I Don't want to meet your homegirl: If you are having a fling, meet as little of her associates/family as possible. It is one thing trying to avoid seeing the other woman when out with your main squeeze, but you don't want to worry about a shitload of siblings and yacking ass girlfriends.
2. Avoid any photo ops: For Christs sake, avoid being photographed with your "side thang". It is a small world, and for all you know she could be friends with your main girlfriends coworker, who happened to go to her house and see a picture of your dumb ass on the mantle. Avoid camera's.
3. Your brother is cool and all..: This goes to the main girlfriend or the fling..Don't be suckered in and befriend her brother, its a waste of time. I don't care how cool they are, because that one time at the club that you hang with him and you innocently flirt with a waitress he will go back and "dry snitch" that information quicker than Kobe Bryant snitched on Shaq.
4. Take both women to entire different places. This one is pretty obvious, but you would be surprised how many men take women to the exact same spots. I used to take dates to this restaurant that I liked. I took this one women there and the waiter comes back and says, "I'm glad that the both of you are back, its good to see you both." Problem with that is I had never taken her there before.
5.Keep your friends in the loop: When men are questioned they always blurt out some random friend that they were hanging with, assuming that his girl wouldn't check it out. But when she does check it out, your ass is officially caught. Plan shit out, inform your friend what the lie is in case she wants to verify your excuse. Women are better at this than men.
6.Different social circles: If your current girlfriend loves going to poetry slams, you might want to stay away from any fling that also loves going to poetry events.. They might have the same social circles and you will get caught quick-fast..
7.Keep you behavioral habits the same: Women can sense when her man is cheating, try to maintain the same routine that you have always kept. Any change in said routine and immediate red flags go up.
8.Think about changing your identity: If you have a common name like Joe or John it isn't really problematic. But if your name happens to be something uncommon like "Aluwishus" you might want to go by something more simple, in case your name is uttered someplace.(For example, when I was in college I was dating two Girls. One of the women went to buy me some jewlery from the other woman I was dating. They had a conversation about how funny it was that they both had a boyfriend named James, and I heard that same story from both of them later. If my name was "Aluwishus" I would of been caught..)
9. Keep the same sexual habits: If you are a pretty standard love maker, but all of a sudden you start pouring hot wax on chicks and bringing toys to the bedroom, your girlfriend will know something is up. Keep it the same and keep suspicions low.(Always, Always strap up!)
10.By all Means, Keep your mouth Shut!: The Biggest mistake guys have is they want to blab all of their sexual exploits to their buddies. This is problematic simply because your friends will go tell their girlfriend about your dirty deeds and you are as good as caught. Also, if your friend has a secret crush on your current girlfriend he will find a way to fuck your shit up..
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25 comments:
I don't hate you for this post... *takes out notebook and moves Humanity Critic's name from #2673 to #1 on my hit list*
LMAO@ the photo ops. That is SO true tho. Females are good for taking, carrying around and pulling out pictures!!
also, keep the lies simple. the more elaborate the lie, the more quickly you get caught.
also, keep the lies simple. the more elaborate the lie, the more quickly you get caught.
I agree with the other posters and of course with you. I'd be quite disturbed if I found out my man was cheating, and no doubt his ass would be out, but it would be a hell of a lot worse to also realize that I have been wasting time dating a dumb-ass.
There is nothing exciting about cheating, so if you really want to play games, break it off with the main girlfriend and be as freaky as you want to be. It's not worth it in the end.
Umm, yeah cheating whatever. I wouldn't do it... and off topic i've read that you're a devote hip-hop head so wanted to drop this link for you to check out if you haven't seen it. Oh ya, don't cheat!
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/awesomebreakdancer.html
i got cheated on - never would i thought it would happen. i guess i'm not like most girls - i don't monitor phone calls/bills, didn't have the same social circle, didn't notice any changes/or thought it was 'us'. shit - i was an easy target!
cheating is so not necessary.
this post was both funny, true and informative - I'm glad you stopped by so I could hit ya back.
You know, I used to have some very definitive thoughts on cheating - it's wrong, that's for sure. But now that I'm older, I've learned to never say what a person will or will not do. But I will say, if you are gonna do wrong, do it right... LOL
so see, these are just things that i will look for if my guy is cheating or something...interesting post tho...
I agree with the watching the scents and phone calls.
I once had a friend get suspicious over her man cheating because he came home, took off his shoes and the bottom of his socks were dirty. Fresh CLEAN socks in the morning don't just get dirty if you have your shoes on all day.
Funny thing is.. That suspicion led her to dig deeper into other things and she was RIGHT!
*Shaking my head*
OMG!! Well what are we waiting for? Why don't we just tell them EVERY way we have to find out that their cheating??? Hell, why not just write the book for them. That way it'll be even harder to catch on and we won't know until we're up in the Dr.'s office infested with something or some female (or male for that matter) walks up on us and tells us how your man is in bed.
*LOL*!
I swear, sometimes we women can be a little TOO helpful.
LOL...I couldn't help but notice the ratio of men versus women who responded to this post...Almost all were women...just goes to show you which gender seems to be on top of this more...LOL....
Heres one to add too:
Never ever, never ever come home with ripped clothing, scratch marks, bite marks, or suckie bites all over your axe and then try to pass it off as "I was playing b-ball with the boys!"...duh!!!
lol boy that one about keeping your friend in the loop? doesnt help if your boy is a dedicated weed smoker and suffers memory loss. Like come to your yard to visit a few hours after you've told dude to style like you'll be hanging out with him all night.
peace critic
Mmmmhmmm, so your the one giving the pointers huh? Pshhh, you should leave them to their own demise though! :oÞ
*xoxo*
Yo this was a very dope blog BUT:
1. i expected a good number of women to blast human critic to kingdom come. instead, i see a good number of women actually ADD on to what he said.. what is the world coming to?
2. One person even commented that most folks won't read it anyway. I agree that alot of people just don't read in this country BUT when the title reads "An Idiot's guide to cheating" believe me you, they will read...show and prove? well check human critic's last post when only THREE people posted comments (the one about the Bush administrations inconsistencies when i comes to objective journalism)! but he posts this one and gets a record amount of comments..
3. has cheating become acceptable?
Excellent post man. THis is better than the 10 crack commandments. lol
Oh and remember guys lie convincingly. remember it aint a lie if you believe it. dont be switching stories when the first lie dont work. as someone said make it believable and stick to your guns.
on another note had a homie who took both his women to the same boat cruise . dont know how he managed it but he survived without being thrown overboard. TO this day I think he's the man but its like stunts on tv dont try this at home.
Really..the key to the ultimate sucessful cheating experience is partnership.
If you can find someone who is knows you got a man then PERFECT! Let it be known up front you are only looking for "companionship" and you are good to go.
If not then you need I feel the most critical element to cheating sucessfully is rules and boundaries. If you lay down rules across the board that NOBODY can violate then you are in the clear. For example....NEVER COME BEFORE YOU CALL! EVER! My excuse..I am not going to answer the door. Period.
One good time of beating him with a newspaper after breaking this rule quickly frees you up.
Two: Switch cars when creeping. Always puts you in the right place at the right time.
Three: INVEST IN TINT and STAY AWAY FROM PERSONALIZED PLATES...this gets you caught up more times that you ever could realize...
Four:...Still Waters Run Deep. In other words...the less you talk the less you have to get caught about. Just learn to be laid back and dont speak much if you know you are trifling.
Five: PUT IT DOWN AND REPRESENT....it adds crediabilty to your name if you are the bomb in bed when it comes to a "challenge" to your whereabouts. Romance before, not after, the deed is done.
Yes...as a woman is it sad that I can say such things..but...to each his own...
This is plain irritating. Those who violate their partners through deception not only threaten their hearts, but gamble with their lives. Being caught is the best thing that could happen to everyone involved. Why are we all so terrifed of the truth? Life would be so much easier if we simply owned up to our desires.
LADIES!
LADIES!
LADIES!WHY are we offering more tips on how to cheat effectively? i won't lie, i found this post just as amusing as the next gurl, but i damn sho ain't about to give a brother another tip on how to step out on his woman without getting caught...
shame on y'all!
: P
Figured out my lying-ass, cheating-ass, ex-boyfriend was cheating because of #7 and #9. Then, I caught him by hacking (into everything). Men, you will eventually get caught. Even if its years later, you will get caught...and nobody likes that part of the game.
I'm a guy, and I read through this post. I've no idea how ANY guy can pull anything over on you girls. Or maybe it's just my girl. Not that I would cheat, but even if I wanted to, I can't think of any fool-proof way to do it. Guess there really isn't one though. I mean... the biggest thing is unexplained absence. Where were you? The old "workin late" thing is lame. And all they gotta do is say.. umm "i called your work and you weren't there". And the extra cellphone for IT/oncall people doesn't work if you actually HAVE a 2nd cellphone for work. that means you'd have to have 3 phones. that just gets to be insane. And if there's anything I've learned over the years, is everyone knows everyone somehow. Connections are bound to be made.
I guess the one MANDATORY element would be the "other woman" would have to know the whole deal, and be fine with it. You can't scam two at once. 2 vs. 1 you gonna lose every time. too much to juggle. if you sidegirl is up on your whole story, and you're completely honest with her, then it can happen. but then it's like... why can you be totally honest with your sidegirl and not your maingirl.
The bottom line is wanting to cheat just indicated you're unhappy in your relationship, or you are just an idiot. Either way you owe it to your "maingirl" to let her go. Cheating can seem exciting, and the prospect of a new piece seems like christmas morning to most guys, but it fades. And you'll end up old, lonely, with a laundry list of STDs in the process.
Having cheated before most of these rules do apply however i disagree with most of your respondents. It takes a very smart peron to cheat regardless of gender and it takes an even smarter person to end said relationship. I have found it easiest to cheat or creep if you will. With people that i know very well preferably in my circle of friends I was married for 10 years before my first affair and found that most of my wifes friends were wanting me. Funny realy i wanted them to but thought it was just fantasy. If the girl friend knows the rules and you trust her it can be very good all of the woman that i have been with are still very good friends with my wife. what we know is between us. my #1 rule is tell no one all parties involved take it to grave dont tell your buddies they will fuck your shit up the first time something goes wrong. make sure the participant does the same loose lips sink ships. remember tell no one. its nobodys buisness.
I have cheated alot.
Only been busted once, and that was years ago.
My tips for successful cheating are.
1 - always use a prepaid number on your cellphone. When you want to break up with the piece of ass just dont use this number anymore.
2 - never tell them where you work, live or what your surname is. Make each conversation about them rather than about you. Most women respond well to a man that can listen, and funnily enough, turn on the mind and the body follows
3 - if you do have the woman in your car, check the seats for any hair, womens hair falls out all the time, you dont want to have a blonde hair on your seats headrest when your wife is a brunette
4 - always keep your women in different parts of the city
5 - if travelling for work go on to adult dating sites to meet comeone, no point going to a bar and wasting a lot of time trying to pick up, better to have something arranged.
6 - dont meet the friends, family or significant others of you piece of ass
7 - dont leave your car parked out front of the piece of ass's house or workplace
8 - dont pay for things on credit card
9 - never tell your wife how much you actually earn, always under quote, that way you have some "free" cash to spend
10 - do suggest to your wife to have joint bank accounts, then have your emplyer pay in say 85% of your wage to one ( remember the under quote rule) and 15% to your own private one.
11 - always have an accountant do your taxes, they dont question things like split payments or total gross earnings. ( gotta have some money to spend on the piece of ass)
12 - never buy you piece of ass jewelry.
13 - dont vary your routine at all
14 - when your phone rings always answer the same no matter who is calling. eg " hello john speaking"
15 - when your piece of ass calls and your next to your wife simply say " i cant talk right now, I am with someone, can i call you back"
then to your wife blame the office, to the piece of ass say it was a business client.
hi I guess you could say im a cheater. I mean i don't mean to be but my wife of 10 yrs hasn't even touched me in 2 yrs i've cheated on her about 3 times she caught 2 of them one of which was actual sex the other was me trying to cheat. anyway i agree with alot of the rules and to be honest im actually impressed I had considered writing a guide with stories and experience as well as tips and such but also as a way the men and women can better understand all the reasons y us guys cheat and the men can try to understand the hurt and pain that there hormones can cause in an instant. i don't want to list all my extra rules just yet but i would love collborate some things with other guys or perhaps even women on how we can make a good ultimate guide to this very realistic problem that seems to be taking the world by storm and cheating is just growing more and more common. Maybe with the help of the web, we can solve it.
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