Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Bush vs. HumanityCritic: Rap Battle on the White House Lawn Pt. 2

(HumanityCritic is at the cleaners, picking up his Superhero Costume)

HumanityCritic: Yall do a great job, got Rush Limbaugh's blood stains out and everything!

Lee: We Aim to please HumanityCritic!

(HumanityCritic's phone rings)

HumanityCritic: Hello

Bill Clinton: Critic!! Long time no hear from, why haven't you returned my calls?

HumanityCritic: What am I your girl?? Plus, you tried to make a pass at my girlfriend last time..

Bill: Now Critic, how was I supposed to know she was your girlfriend??

HumanityCritic: Ohh I don't know??.. Probably the part where I said to you "Bill, let me introduce you to my girlfriend ." Motherfucker, What do you want??

Bill Clinton: My bad..Well, Bush told me to tell you that he wants a rematch of the battle you had months ago. He has scheduled it at the White House in a few days

HumanityCritic: But I already took his ass out last time, why should I even bother?

Bill Clinton: Well, he has gotten a lot better and claims he will wipe the floor with you. Not to mention that he has memorized "Beat Street" and "Krush Groove" by heart. He is not playing.

HC: Cool, I'll be there. By the way, how are you enjoying Harlem??

BC: Critic, I have seen so many juicy asses in the past few days..I mean, the only reason why I even messed with Monica was because she had a black girl's booty, and now I am surrounded by many well manicured "backyard's"..

HC: Hillary isn't around is she?

BC:(laughing) Of course not!!

(A few Days Later on the White House Lawn)

Ted Koppel: Well Ladies and Gentlemen, we are back on the White House Lawn where George W. Bush will try to avenge his previous loss to the HumanityCritic. But this time it's quite different, Bush got re-elected and probably has a new bag of tricks. Rumor has it that HumanityCritic has been drinking, watching porn, writing in his blog, and hanging with loose women. He might not be in the best possible condition.

Brian Williams: But he was doing all those things when he beat Bush's ass the first time.

Ted Koppel: Oh..

Michael Buffer:(grabbing the Mic suspended in the air) Ladies and Gentlemen, coming from the beautiful White House Lawn in Washington DC, we have a battle of the century! Leets Get Reaaady To Ruuuumble!!! In this corner, wearing a Brooks Brother suit and sporting a shit eating grin on his face, George W. Bush!(crowd applauds. Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, and Bill O'Reilly throw up W's) And in this corner, wearing a "I Like Bush-The vagina not our asshole President" T-shirt, HumanityCritic!!(crowd applauds, Sean Penn pumps his fist, Micheal Moore screams "Get em' Critic!", Hillary Clinton flashes her breasts that say "I love You Critic" on them.) Gentlemen, we flipped a coin and Bush goes first. Keep it clean!

George W. Bush: Hit it DJ!

(DJ puts on the "T.R.O.Y" instrumental by Pete Rock and CL Smooth)

George W. Bush: Check it, check it.. Here we go

I'll start this ill ass rhyme flow kind of slow/
WMD's I didn't find though, America didn't mind though/
I'm fucking out of sight similar to a blind hoe/
I have the right mind bro, to backhand you and remind those/
That through all your efforts, I got re-elected/
Even though I was disrespected, I broke election records/
Look at the map, nothing but red states/
I have a mandate, watch me raise med. rates/
You'll claim that I'm a racist, save your breath kid/
I have more minorities on my staff than Clinton did/
"Kidnap the President's wife without a plan"/
I'm the fucking man, watch me go bomb Iran/
You want to try and hurt me but you lack the maturity/
I have the power, watch me privatize Social Security/
John Kerry was more worthy, but we painted him like a sucker/
HumanityCritic gets no wins, how you like me now motherfucker??

Ted Koppel: Bush throws his hands up in Victory!! The crowd goes crazy!! Laura Bush gives HumanityCritic the finger. Ann Coulter and Newt Gingrich start doing a breakdance routine. HumanityCritic is, well, he has his hands on the Bush twins breasts. How could he not be concerned with Bush's outstanding performance??

Michael Buffer: Critic, your up next..

HumanityCritic: DJ, do you thing..

(DJ throws on the Instrumental to Nas' "Thief's Theme")

HumanityCritic: One-two, One-two..Here we go..

Are you kidding me?? Your re-election is a mystery/
How does it feel to have the highest deficits in history?/
The world gives you the long stare, Iraq-we shouldn't of gone there/
Why does our president have the I.Q of a lawn chair?/
A drooling incompetent, plus you can't get your plans straight/
Besides, 51% is not a fucking mandate/
You got the most votes in history and that is pretty scary/
Do you know who got the second most, jackass? John Kerry/
You have black folks on your staff, but you understand how that goes/
Everybody knows that you can't trust House Negro's/
You were a cocaine abuser, can I ask you something man?/
Have you started "using" again to want to attack Iran?/
Your like Vanilla Ice, lying about your hood/
Your originally From Connecticut, douchebag up to no good/
Plus Cheney is the real Pres, you can't bust my groove/
Wack ventriloquist: While you rapped I saw his mouth move./
Social Security: You plan is beyond belief/
Countries have tried it and its failed. You're our Imbecile-in-Chief!/

Ted Koppel: HumanityCritic throws his Mic in the crowd and goes over and mushes Bush in the face! It seems that HumanityCritic has done it again!! Ted Kennedy is doing the crip walk!! Bill Clinton and Al Gore are doing the Cabbage patch as the HumanityCritic walks by. Hillary is embracing HumanityCritic and she is slipping him her number)

Hillary Clinton: Call me! I heard that Bill tried to get with your girlfriend. Plus I have been trying to get even since the Monica Lewinsky mess..

HC: Nah, Bill ain't shit but I couldn't do that.

Bush Twins:(batting eyelashes) We Love you HumanityCritic!! We'll do anything!!

HC: Do you know what a "Mouth Hug" is?

Bush Twins: Whats that??

HC: hahahahahaha

Fade To Black


Lene said...

hahahaha. i never knew you could throw it down like that. your rhyming skills are top notch. Favourite line..."Why does our president have the I.Q of a lawn chair?" hahahaha. "mouth hug" is the new "brains". i'm using that word in toronto fo' real.

Lambchop said...

LOL! Very talented!

Reza said...

LOL! I am dying over here!

On a serious note, your rhyming skills are top notch.

Toya said...

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, hecky naw! you are a fool! i would want to see this on stage....lol@Ted Kopple...i was reading this imagining their voices in my head, lol...

Jdid said...

I was with you till Hillary flashed you and I needed to call the medics.

By the way ill rhymes but why'd you give bush the illest line "I'm fucking out of sight similar to a blind hoe"

Liza Valentino said...

LMAO@ this entire blog. Hilarious. But where was Bush's main hoe, Condi?

Sankofa said...

HC, you have soooooo many issues. But that shyt was hot. Not the crip walk and the cabbage patch!!!

And you besta leave them Bush twins alone, Kobe.

LB said...

OMG, this was hilarious. I could actually picture it goin' down, DAYUM. LMAO @

Your like Vanilla Ice, lying about your hood/
Your originally From Connecticut, douchebag up to no good/
Plus Cheney is the real Pres, you can't bust my groove/
Wack ventriloquist: While you rapped I saw his mouth move./

Funny shyt, on the realla..."mouth hug"...still LOL

Belle said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Belle said...

That's niceeeee!
LMAO at your t-shirt. I knew you couldn't let that speech go by without gettin' at him.
Gotta agree with Sankofa-leave those twins the hell alone.

E to the dwige said...

Too funny! tks for the laughs.

G. Cornelius Harris said...

What to represent son!
I'll keep you posted

Di said...

Shit, that was hilarious!

Take on Ann Coulter next. That bitch.

Me said...


You are crrrrazy! Something about Ann Coulter's bitch ass, Rush Limbaugh, and Bill O'Reilly throwin up the W makes me much hyper than I planned it to. This was the best battle I have ever witnessed ... and I've seen many. So much respect for you right now.

Jazz said...

Now, you know you should be making some money off of this.

miss you.

Tha G Perspective said...

Bush was out of his mind thinking he could step to a man influeneced by the likes of Posdanus and Q Tip. Next time you roll to the white house holla at me and I'll do the Beat Boxing.

Brother OMi said...

yo i can't front, Bush killed it when he said :

"I'll start this ill ass rhyme flow kind of slow/
WMD's I didn't find though, America didn't mind though/"

that shit is real right there.

man i missed it. sorry i didn't make it. i will next time though

Will said...

I'm sitting here picturing a House Party-type setting with Martin Lawrence on the 1s and 2s! LMAO!

That was great!!!!!


Stoney said...

Dats some funny shit.

Jamille said...

Unique and very entertaining.

IL Lake Effect said...

Bravo! ROFL...."Kidnap the President's wife without a plan"/


I Just finished listenin' to MUMS(poet from OZ') cut of the same title. Damn, timing lika mutha.. Visuals lika mutha! Great Minds..... Got some quests. that may get at cha. Peep latest entry. Holla. Damn good Entry!

Damn Good!

Luke Cage said...

LMAO!! I wish I'd been around for the first round dawg. That was too funny. By the way, did you get the superhero costume out of the cleaners yet. It's time to get the League assembled!

Safire said...

Classic. Hilarious.

deborah said...

Love it!

ESP said...

Sweet. Nice props to Poet in Em City.

Bijan C. Bayne said...

That was the baddest post I ever read on a blog. Great imagination, yet points well-made.

Shasta MacNasty said...

"HumanityCritic throws his Mic in the crowd and goes over and mushes Bush in the face!"

The funniest line of the whole damn thing. GREAT post.

Aneka said...

First off, thanks for your comments in my blog.

I have to say this was one of the funniest things i have ever read in a long time.lol

Shan said...

(to 911 is a joke -PE beat)

allow shan to drop my 2 cents
bush vs. HC, it dont make no damn sense!!!

its harder than chewing steak with baby teeth
cuz B-U-S-H that shit spells defeat!!

so what you fuckin won the election
HC been winning battles since his day of conception!!

Boom Pow SURPRSIE!!ohh!!!

Chele said...

You are definitely an Enemy of the State lol