Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of the 105th Congress, distinguished guests, my fellow Americans:
For 215 years, it has been the president's duty to report to you on the state of the union. Because of terrorism and the high cost the American people have paid, these are bad times for America, which my presidency will change. I will make that change by making health care free for all Americans. I will make that change by rapidly lowering the unemployment throughout the United States. I, unlike my blatantly incompetent predecessor, will make America safer by joining with the international community so we can work together and not put the burden of fighting terrorism on one country.
I have to apologize to the American people, for the 4 years of having George "Forrest Gump" Bush as your Commander -in-thief. We will no longer be the laughing stock of the world, having such a blistering idiot as President.
This is a new day my fellow Americans, and with a new administration you also face a different direction from this Commander in chief. For one thing, Marijuana will be legalized in the United States. We all know that the only reason it has been illegal is because the Government can't get their "cut". No more! If you are a adult, and want to get "lifted", that is now a legal option to you. Also, from this moment forward, prostitution is now legal also. I mean, what right do I have in getting between one consenting adult with money, wanting to have sex with another consenting adult?? By all means, get your screw on!
The arts are very important to me and my incoming administration. Under George Bush, funding for arts programs were drastically cut, but that deplorable trends stops now. Not only will this administration increase funding for these programs, but will start a "Know your shit" program. The "know your shit" program is one that systematically teaches every child about the true origins of Hip Hop, and let kids know that artists such as Nelly and the Ying Yang Twins are whack as hell. My administration feels, when this program starts, if will lessen the role of bullshit Hip Hop on our radio stations and T.V programs.
As we speak, lawyers for my administration are going after Rush Limbaugh for illegally purchasing prescription drugs, and for being a total piece of shit over the last twenty years. When in prison, I will make sure he will be placed in a cell with a inmate named "Sweetness", who promises my staff that he will make Rush his "cell block bitch".
Lastly, my fellow Americans, I will launch a thorough investigation on the entire news channel. For years they have been distorting the truth, sometimes outright lying to the American people. Objective Americans want a unbiased news source, not a channel that only spews a right-wing point of view. Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Brit Hume..how dare you pretend to be objective when it is obvious that you have been sucking from George bush's tit for the past 4 years? I will spend my entire time as president, bringing you lecherous son of a bitches down!!(huge applause)
Thank you America!! God Bless you all!!