Ted Koppel: Good evening America, we bring you the first White House rap battle. The Humanity Critic has been challenged by George W. Bush to a rap battle, because of the "critic's" public criticism of the president. This is shaping up to be a venomous confrontation, with both men having a strong distaste for each other. The two men are now stepping into the rap battle ring, they are shaking hands so were are going down to ring announcer Michael Buffer.
Michael Buffer: Ladies and Gentleman, coming to you from the White House lawn in beautiful Washington D.C. In the red corner we have Bush, he avoided Vietnam, falsely won a election, and lied about a war. GEORGE W. BUSH!!(applause) In the blue corner we have The Humanity critic..He hates the president, has dreadlocks, talks a lot of shit, loves hip hop, and is sexually frustrated..THE HUMANITY CRITIC!!!(applause) Men, LETS GET READY TO RUUUMBLLE!! Each man has a minute to state their case in rap form, Bush goes first and critic goes second. Good luck men. Kid Capri, drop that beat!!
(Instrumental of "Ice Ice Baby" begins to play)
Bush: Yo check it, check it!
Radio, T.V, and even the press
I'm George W. Bush, the president of the U.S
My opponent will try to paint me as a card carrying racist
He doesn't want to face us, he won't even replace us
Under my watch I've made America a safer place
Terrorist have no escape, stopping threats from state to state.
Under my watch the economy is booming
Protecting hard working Americans because terrorists are looming
"The Critic" will say that my treatment of blacks is "evil"
But let the truth be told, I love colored people
Don't even try to play me, with tactics that are shady
How could I be racist? I've kissed a Negro baby!
Saddam is in prison, and that is a fact
So naturally my next step was to attack Iraq
You send mixed messages saying the war is wrong
We have to "stay the course" and show the world we are strong.
The war is hard work, its really hard work
Did I ever mention, the war is hard work?
You made a grave mistake every trying to step to me
George W. Bush for the 2004 Presidency!!
Ted Koppel: George W. Bush fans go crazy! Rush Limbaugh is screaming, "You got in that ass George!!" Ann Coulter screams at The Critic, "You've been served Sucka!!" The klu klux breakdance squad is popping and locking to support Bush. Laura Bush and Dick Cheney are in the front row throwing up their "W's" to show support. The critic really has a lot of work to do. Critic, you're up..
(The instrumental of O.C's "Times Up" comes on)
Humanity Critic: Yo, yo..Here we go..
La-Di-Dai, the republican Party
You just cause trouble, harming everybody
You're, just a man that thinks he's right
I'm going to show America that your not wrapped too tight
Your not a racist? That's hard to believe
Since your the first pres in years to diss the NAACP
Number of more blacks in poverty: 700,000
Not to mention the figures on public housing, that's astounding.
Bob Jones University has a rule against interracial dating
And you gave a speech there, so obviously you don't care.
Let me pull back the curtain, for those who are uncertain
Your White House is so Corrupt. One word, Halliburton.
More than a thousand lives lost based on your lies about the war.
I've heard it all before, your nothing but a corporate whore.
Even members of your staff said you lied about Iraq
That's a absolute fact, no wonder the world doesn't have our back
Record unemployment, more troop deployment
While you give a tax cut to the rich, for their enjoyment
The U.S is safer? You can kiss my black ass!
The President of the United States: A incompetent Jack-ass!
The economy is Booming? You are so full of shit
You turned a record surplus into a record breaking deficit
You cut 33 billion from 'No child left behind'
Your supporters are blind, and I question if they have a mind.
Some blacks still support you, but I ain't hearing it
I've learned long ago that you can't save the ignorant.
You avoided Vietnam, like your vice president did
I guess you are a strong leader, as long as you send other peoples kids
Bush keeps America scared, with all the hype and the drama
I've got a question for your bitch-ass: Where the fuck is Osama!
Ted Koppel: The Humanity Critic has thrown the mic down, with his arms in the air screaming "What!! What!!" Bill Clinton screams, "You handed Bush his ass Humanity Critic!!" Ted Kennedy raises his glass full of rum and says, "This is to you kid". John Kerry gives "The Critic" a pound and says, "That was dope! Can I be your hype man?" Humanity Critic has done it, he has beat Bush in the first White House battle! Wait a minute, is George W. Bush sobbing?? Oh, what a bitch! This concludes our broadcast tonight..