I Considered getting a Vasectomy!

A couple of weeks ago I was invited to my friend Calvin's house for a birthday party he was having for his sister. Well, it wasn't exactly a "party" it was more like a birthday gathering. The Birthday Girl in question, Karen, I have known for the better part of 16 years, through High School until now. She has always had a crush on me, always inquiring to Calvin about my whereabouts or girlfriend I might have at the time. She's a cute girl, with a shitload of intelligence, but dating her was out of the question. It wasn't a possibility for me because I value my friendship with Calvin, and the chances of me eventually being a asshole to her were pretty great. So I always tried to look at her like family, even though she doesn't view me the same way.

Anyway, I went to her "gathering" for a couple of reasons. 1) Because I knew that Calvin would have free alcohol and boy do I love free alcohol! 2) Since my boy Buddy died I felt like I've been a pretty shitty friend, so I wanted to hang out with Calvin 3) Karen is book smart but she lacks common sense.(one time she was watching videos with Calvin and I a few years ago and she said, "Look at them, you can tell they are lip-syncing!!" Then I said, "It's a video jackass!!) So she is always good for a few laughs.

I arrived at Calvin's house about 8:00. Karen was already there so I wished her a Happy Birthday and mentioned something about her ass looking delicious nowadays. She smiled, then we all(Calvin, me , Karen, and Calvin's girlfriend Jenn) proceeded to talk about everything from pop culture to politics. I hear the bathroom door open and in walks a girl that I automatically envision making amateur porn movies with. It is a pretty safe bet to say that I was probably drooling. As my saliva hit the floor like a waterfall Karen grabs my arm and says, "HumanityCritic, this is my friend Sheila." Sheila said, "hey, how are you doing?" I said, "Fine, are you a friend of Karen's?" Karen said, "I just said she was my friend Jackass!." I felt rather small, but Karen got me good.

Sheila jumped in the conversation, and that is where my amateur porn fantasies were all but a distant memory. For one thing she is married, to a drug dealer, and she brags about him being a drug dealer. Secondly, she got his name tattooed on her neck, arm and back.(When I heard this I said, "Are you his wife or cattle??) She also told me that it was her "dream" to be a video girl in a rap video.Then she was telling me why she voted for Bush, and miraculously this voluptuous sexual goddess that I had pictured in my mind suddenly turned into the neighborhood crackhead. In the end I am glad, because even though I will never date Karen, I didn't want to hurt her feelings by staring at her friend's breasts all night.( I ain't going to lie, I still took the occasional peek now and then)

Calvin gets a phone call from his brother Kevin, saying that him and his kids will be over soon. When Calvin tells Karen that their brother is on his way with his kids, Karen says, "Not those bad ass kids!!" I thought to myself that those kids couldn't be that bad, boy was I wrong. As soon as those crumb-snatching bastards walked in they hit the house like a adolescent tornado, taking out everything in sight. I sat there and politely smiled, waiting for their parents to control them. I mean, these kids were yelling, screaming, throwing things, jumping on me, doing cartwheels. I kept waiting for someone to say something, but nothing happened.

That is when I couldn't take anymore and said, "Kevin, can't you control these motherfuckers!!? Jesus man!!" Kevin said, "HumanityCritic, they're just playing".I said, "They aren't playing, that is what I call criminal mischief!" Then Kevin said, "You don't have kids so you don't understand." Right away I pointed out, "Everybody understands the universal language of "bad ass kid". You don't have to be a parent to know when a kid needs their ass beat." As I sat down and watched these kids do things that would get most adults locked up in some countries, I thought about the advantages of getting a vasectomy. No unruly kids, no discipline, no hassle. Plus, if I ever get famous and a woman that I have given horrible sex to claims that I am the father of her love child, at least I know that there is a 95 percent chance that she is full of shit.

But then I snapped out of it. Listen, I love children, I really do. But people have to understand the importance of discipline so their kid doesn't grow up to be a piece of shit, or even worse, a black republican. I don't believe in child abuse but I believe that you should start laying down the ground rules early on. Looking back, I didn't get a lot of spankings. My father would just have to mention a beating and I would straighten up, that is because he laid the groundwork early. When I am a parent, my form of discipline will be more cerebral, not just spankings.(Unless the future mother of my children wants to be "disciplined", but that is a entirely different story. Boy, do I hope that she is into that!) I am tired of seeing some unruly kid whose parents find their behavior "cute". Newsflash: That shit isn't cute, and you look like a delinquent parent for not handling your business. Lastly, I'm tired of seeing kids that know the words to a rap song and the little fucker can't spell their name. Note to parents: You don't want your kids becoming Bobby Brown..