Sunday, December 12, 2004

The "What in the Fuck were you thinking" Awards of 2004

These awards are given out to individuals that have done things in 2004 that were "questionable". Whether it be quotes they have made, career moves, regrettable actions..These people have been awarded the "What in the fuck were you thinking" Award of 2004.

Halle Berry: Halle, I love, I really do. But I have to ask you, what was that catwoman debacle you put out earlier this year. For one thing, the movie was a 2 hour music video, just embarrassing. Plus you overreacted so much I thought I was watching Shaquille O'Neil's performance in Kazzam. Listen, you are a respectable actress, albeit overrated, but don't go back to the days when you released garbage like B.A.P.S. I have to ask you, what in the fuck were you thinking??

Bill O'Reilly: It is no secret that I think this man is human excrement, but Billy Boy had a huge faux paus in 2004. With all his talk about "moral values" and how Ludacris is ruining America, it came out that FOX news' major star has a habit of sexually harassing coworkers by calling them on the phone at all hours. The following is a excerpt of a Bill O'Reilly phone call that he made to his executive producer Pamela Mackris: <<"You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and I'd join you and you would have your back to me and I would take that little loofa thing and kinda soap up your back... rub it all over you, get you to relax, hot water... and um... you know, you'd feel the tension drain out of you and uh you still would be with your back to me then I would kinda put my arm -- it's one of those mitts, those loofa mitts you know, so I got my hands in it... and I would put it around front, kinda rub your tummy a little bit with it, and then with my other hand I would start to massage your boobs, get your nipples really hard... 'cuz I like that and you have really spectacular boobs...">> Bill, you smooth seducer you, you had me at "loofa". This just proves that you are not only a steaming pile of fecal matter, but a hypocrite to boot. Bill, What in the fuck were you thinking??

John McCain: Mr. McCain, out of all the low class republicans that I can name, you are one of the only republicans that I respect. You have a history of going with your conscious and not your party. But, how in the hell could you endorse Bush?? Listen, I'm not saying that you had to endorse Kerry, but George Bush's campaign staff spread rumors about your wife being a drug addict and you fathering a "black child" during the 2000 primaries. They even went as far as to question your patriotism, a man of your military respectability. It has been said that their underhanded tactics caused your family a lot of stress and turmoil at the time. So what do you do?? You embrace this Coke snorting, draft dodging son of a bitch! John McCain, what in the fuck were you thinking??

John Kerry: I love you man, but I have to be honest. I respect everything that you were about and you are a all around better person than George Bush. If you were president, you would get us out of the mess we are in now. But I have to say this: The past 6 months showed what happens when you run a clean and honest campaign, you get beat. I admire you wanting to run a respectable campaign, but the other side slung so mud it was hard for people to see your message clearly. It is like going into a fight, with the intentions of fighting fair, and your opponent keeps hitting you in the nuts. If you run again, remember that, and aim for the testicles.

Rudy Guiliani: Ok, he hasn't really done anything this year but I have to vent. This sack of shit has to be the most overrated politician outside of George W. Bush. People think he was "so brave" during 9/11, but I think that is giving him too much credit. Remember that Chris Rock joke when he was talking about not giving people credit for things they are "supposed to do"? If you are mayor of a major city you are supposed to be visible during a disaster, and give the city encouragement and leadership. Have we in America lowered the bar so low that we praise people for doing their job?? By the way Rudy, I remember how you were thought of on September 10, 2001: A philandering jackass, that targeted all black men as suspects. On your watch, the occasional greeting that a black man would get from police would be 5 warning shots in the back, or a plunger in your ass. You are a disgrace, you don't fool me.

Sports media:(Ron Artest): Ok, Ron Artest has a history of behavioral problems. Ron Artest isn't the smartest brother in the world. Ron Artest shouldn't have attacked that fan and he was definitely wrong for doing that. But sports media, Ron Artest isn't Scott Pederson!! You guys act like Artest killed a dozen school children. I know it is the media's job to paint black men as mentally unstable animals, but your coverage on Artest was mind numbingly stereotypical. Ron Artest has problems, but don't we all?? Sometimes I drift off and have imaginary conversations with my dead father, and I think that hip hop will be good again, so I have my own issues.

Sports Media(Barry Bonds): I know that Bonds recently admitted that he used steroids, and I know that it is wrong. But I am tired of hearing sportswriters trying to make fans hate Barry Bonds. The sad truth Mr. Sportswriter, fans don't give a fuck about steroids, they just want to see Barry hit that little white ball over the fence. It might sound foul(pun intended) but that's the truth. Sportswriters want you to hate Bonds because apparently he isn't that kind to sportswriters. So what, he dissed you not me..

News Media(politics): The news over the past 6 months has to be the most cowardice I have seen in all my 31 years. You let constant Bush misinformation slide, even though you knew he was factually inaccurate. You let those Swift Boat clowns get about 2 weeks of publicity, even though many of their claims against John Kerry were flat-out lies. I have equate the news media to my history with black cops. Some people would think that a black cop would treat me fairly, being that he is a fellow African American. But what happens is, because they are so conscious of showing preferential treatment towards you, they overcompensate and mistreat you. The news media, is so conscious of being labeled "liberal", they overcompensate and have a conservative tilt..

Dan Rather: Dan, Dan, Dan. Don't you know that you should verify your sources, you know better. Granted, even though the documents were suspect, the content behind them is pretty accurate. Bush DID have connections to get him in the National Guard. Bush WAS disciplined for mischievous behavior. Bush WAS AWOL from his duties for a considerable amount of time. But because the documents were questionable, people on FOX News who couldn't hold your journalistic jockstrap, are questioning your journalistic integrity. Dan, your career is exemplary, but What in the Fuck were you thinking??

Pat Robertson: {Since I live in the same town where his headquarters are at(Virginia Beach), I feel that I will be taken out after I write this. But screw it, it will be worth it.} This miserable excuse for a human being has been on my proverbial shitlist for a while, but most notably he has spent most of 2004 promoting disgusting right-wing ideologies and hinting at the fact that God prefers Bush. Not only that he said that "Kwanza is an absolute fraud". Besides the fact that Robertson has the habit of speaking out of a hidden orifice, everything about him sickens me. For one thing, the 700 club has to be the most vomit inducing show, rivaling fear factor. The hate-filled, racist things that come out of Robertsons mouth informs me that he is not a man of God. Hey Pat, if Jesus is as caring and considerate as I think he is, you will have some explaining to do when your time-card is punched.

HumanityCritic: Yes, I'm calling myself out. Sometimes I feel that I have tourette's or something, because the shit that comes out of my mouth is so troubling. My biggest problem is that I lack the ability to ignore people when they are rude, and I usually strike back with some unnecessary retort. Case in point: The other day I went to Blockbuster to get some videos and I handed the Clerk my money. He looked at my money and in a sarcastic voice said "Somebody needs a wallet", because the bills weren't facing the same direction. Immediately I said, "Somebody needs to keep their fucking comments to themselves, and serve their purpose." As soon as I left I felt bad because that wasn't called for. My New Years resolution: Be less of a prick in 2005.

Rush Limbagh: Limbaugh Quote:"There's nothing good about drug use. We know it. It destroys individuals. It destroys families. Drug use destroys societies. Drug use, some might say, is destroying this country. And we have laws against selling drugs, pushing drugs, using drugs, importing drugs. And the laws are good because we know what happens to people in societies and neighborhoods, which become consumed by them. And so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up." Really, you pill popping, drug addicted motherfucker! Look at you, hooked on Hillbilly heroin, fired from your sportscasting gig, the feds are breathing down your throat because you bought prescription drugs illegally, and Donavan McNabb is having a MVP caliber season. What do you have to say for yourself, you miserable bastard?? I know, his drug news broke in 2003 but I couldn't resist.


R. Rochelle said...

I can't ignore it, either. But, I know how to 'correct' people without cursing or disrespecting them, but still making them feel dumb.

My biggest problem is that I lack the ability to ignore people when they are rude...

Safire said...

I don't know what type of politically correct BS Rosalind in on (Is she looking for gold stars because she doesn't curse? What is this? Fifth grade?), but I do know that these awards are on point, and that this year was what a film critic might call a "wild romp" with a cast of "zany characters" that, while they are amusing, show us just how fucked up a nation America has become.

Lots of luck, US, getting through 0-5 with nuts like this at the helm...

40til5 said...

I totally agree with you, esp. on McCain. Keep being a humanity critic. I think you're fabulous (and fabulously funny).